-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when first found by other humans?
-Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
-On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the whole purpose.
-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
-Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
-It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.
-A hen is an egg’s way of making another egg.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.

"Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when first found by other humans?"

Haven't read Edgar Rice Burroughs' Tarzan of the Apes, I can answer that. Tarzan taught himself how to shave with his father's knife.

Ouch, that had to be a painful learning process....

Ruminations on those things to be considered:

-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
They must really love their job.

-War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
But two wrongs don't make a right. Then again, three rights make a left. (At 90 degrees, of course...)

-It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.
No. My sole purpose is to patronize and annoy.

-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
See "Raiders of the Lost Ark".

-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Don't do it, kids. Whatever it is.

• Why do we drive on the parkway, and park on the driveway?
• Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
• What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?
• If you shoot a mime, do you need to use a silencer?
• If you throw a cat out of your car window, does it become kitty litter?

Good ones, Scott.

And in a similar vein to your cat jokes, here's a dog question:

You break a mirror, you get seven years of bad luck. So if a dog breaks a mirror, does it get 49?

*How DO you clap with one hand?
*What IS the Sound of Silence?
*When is an extinct species NOT an extinct species?
*How many licks does it take to get to the
middle of a tootsie pop?
*Is Johnny Bravo the DUMBEST cartoon character
of all time?
*How come Carol Brady had all girls and Mike
Brady had all boys?
*If all those people were able to FIND their way
on to Gilligan's Island how come the Castaways
couldn't get OFF of it?
*Why do so many people hate Cindy Snow?
*Who was the worse President:Clinton or Carter?
*How come all those network sportscasters always
seem to root for the OTHER team when a Northwest
team is involved?
*Can science explain the popularity of Nitpicking?
*Are Brandon from Survivor 3:Africa and Jerri
from Survivor 2:The Outback made for each other
or what?(Despite the fact that Brandon's gay)

More to the point: what IS the sound of one hand clapping?

Where's the beef?

Consider the wisdom of Timbo...


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Then perhaps my family should open up a cappuccino shop. We’d make millions!)
*******************************************************
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the
energy of an atomic bomb.

(And you thought the city fathers of Hiroshima were mad at us BEFORE!)
*******************************************************
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(Unless you work for an H.M.O., in which case, you don’t have one.)
*******************************************************
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
*******************************************************
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Sure, because it can’t read a menu without eyes.)
*******************************************************
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home......maybe at work.)
*******************************************************
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
*******************************************************
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of
a football field.

(Maybe the Lions should recruit a few.)
*******************************************************
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
******************************************************
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
*******************************************************
Butterflies taste with their feet.

(I guess butterflies have their own version of the Heisenberg Principle. Tasting food causes the food to taste like their feet!)
*******************************************************
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(For some people.)
******************************************************
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
*******************************************************
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
*******************************************************
A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
*******************************************************
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*******************************************************
Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)
*******************************************************
Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
*******************************************************
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)


And the winner is... the pig!!!

*Why do teams who are ahead always seem to be
capable of self-destructing within the last five to ten minutes of a game?

*What exactly IS a Buckeye and why would you want to have it as your school mascot?

*And speaking of which why do Ohio State alum refer to their school as THE Ohio State,I mean
is there ANOTHER Ohio State somewhere we haven't
heard of before?I could understand if University of Miami(Fl.)alum and fans called their school
THE University of Miami since there is also a University of Miami in Ohio,but THE Ohio State?

*Why is marijuana nicknamed pot?

*How come the line always gets longer the minute you decide to step in?

*If you knock Potsie Webber on the head do you get an echo?

*How come the girls and Mrs.Howell all have such nice hairdos if their stranded on a desert island?

*Why does it seem they cancel the shows you really like without any notice?

*Why do teams who are ahead always seem to be
capable of self-destructing within the last five to ten minutes of a game?

It's called "Playing not to lose" as opposed to "Playing to win".

Why do teams who are ahead always seem to be
capable of self-destructing within the last five to ten minutes of a game?

The "prevent" defense is great at preventing you from winning.

On Gilligan's Island did you realize the Professor doesn't want to get off the island and keep the failures square on Gilligan? Look at his other competition? Mr. Howell and Skipper. "Little Buddy" is his only real competition to get Ginger.

How do you clap with one hand? Don't clap your *other* hand, clap something else!

Polar bears have black skin. And their fur is colorless. Some polar bears do have a dusky look to their fur, but not always. Why do some of them look totally white?

I haven't seen Johnny Bravo; what did he do?

Carol had all girls and Mike had all boys because it's symmetrical and aesthetically pleasing. It's not impossible. It's been known to happen in real life. Whether the two get married in real life is another matter.

Things you will find in an antimatter galaxy:

Anti-popes
Antimony
Antiquities
Anti-aircraft missiles

Actually, in an antimatter galaxy you would find anti-antimony.

Re: Brady Bunch, My grandmother had 4 girls and after her husbond died she married a man with 3 kids so it would be possible for that to happen.

Ccabe, Wouldn't that just be "mony"?

So, you'd also find:

anti-anti-tank weapons

Also, that famous play, Anti-Mame.

Speaking of which, I wish they'd do a Star Trek movie about Spock's eccentric Aunt T'Mame.

Actually there is a ohio university in Athens Ohio.

Oh God, I just had a though that I'm guilty about now. It's funny, but it's naughty. Just now I was at a site for celebrity photographs, and the updates listed for each day consist of links that are sometimes labeled according to both the celebrity and the movie the screencaps are from.

One link was of photographs of Anne Heche from Gus Van Sant's remake of Psycho. The link was listed as "Psycho: Anne Heche," and I thought that even with the colon removed from that phrase, it would still be accurate.

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

(Then again, even without the suggestion of the colon, it's still kinda funny. )

(WARNING: THIS SCENE HAS DIALOG WHICH MAY BE DISTURBING TO SOME. WELL, THAT'S JUST TOUGH!)

Kirk turned to face Sarek and Spock.

"It seems consistent. We can only conclude that the Orion ship was indeed working for the Vulcan Intelligence Agency. They were supposed to provoke the Andorians into breaking their treaty and declaring war on the Vulcans. Logically--"

Spock cut Kirk off with an anguished groan. His face grew red as he glared at Kirk.
"Logic! Logic! I'm sick to death of logic! Do you want to know how I feel about your logic?!"

"Emotional, isn't he?" Sarek asked with a bare glimmer of a smile.

"He has always been this way."

"Indeed. Tell me, why did you marry him?"

"At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do."