I'm sure at least some of you have heard of and/or read these (culled from various sources). They're very funny, albeit yes, even a bit sexist as well.

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
Socks never constitute a gift.
Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
No, you can't have the remote control.
If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
Check your oil.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
Share the closet.
Share the bathroom.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
You have too many shoes.
You have enough clothes.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Dogs are better than cats.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat.
He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't make us guess.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet up when you're done.
If you're cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat; Fried; Beer; Red.
Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
Shopping is not fascinating.
When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking
* (Unless the answer is "yes")
* [In which case, can he videotape it ?]
If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking a-holes.
The man's always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
Money does not equate to love; not even in Nevada.
Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon her infant when it walks for the first time.
Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it !
He heard you the first time.
You know, you can ask him out, too. Let's spread the rejection around a little.
If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want answers to.
Of course he wants another beer.
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
If he has to sit through your favorite tear jerker, you have to sit through a porn movie.
"Fine !" is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
He was not looking at that other girl
* (Well, okay... maybe a little)
* [Okay, so he was. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy.]
He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met -- And all your friends think so too; especially the cute ones.
Your [select appropriate item: butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs] look fine.
* (As a matter of fact, it/they look damned good. Stop asking)
If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
Dirty laundry comes in several categories:
* Looks fine/smells fine
* looks fine/smells bad
* looks dirty/smells fine
Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
Yes, Britney Spears/Jennifer Love Hewitt/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than he is.
His bald spot/beer gut/thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
Don't hog the covers.
Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show (after the cheerleader shots) to do/say anything.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle".
Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
If you have to talk, wait until after the tv program/movie that he has been waiting to watch all week. If you do talk through a program, don't expect him to listen. You will only have to repeat it again after the program.
If a girl's night out involves strippers, don't come home and tell him how good they were.
Don't spend more than 5 minutes on the phone, especially when the girl you are calling only lives next door or you are going out with her tonight.
The last beer in the fridge is NOT yours.
Start to get ready at least 2 hours before, then we won't be late for once.
Let him go to the bar on Sunday afternoon.
When the alarm clock rings, let him stay in bed where it's nice and warm and only call him when his breakfast is ready.
If you are shouting at him, don't expect more than a polite smile and a nod.
Don't throw anything at him if you don't win the argument.
Pick up his pile of dirty socks and undies from the floor at the end of the bed and wash them.
Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
He does not want to be "Just friends".

LOL! I see my boyfriend and myself in a lot of those. Strangely enough, though, he was the one who took me into Victoria's Secret the other day!

margrie,

Did he ask what size you are or did he ask you how to convert those sizes into man sizes? ("Would a size 16 equal a 34 inch waist?")

Here's one I just thought of:

Men hang the toilet paper facing the toilet, women hang it facing the wall. It's an unwritten law of the bathroom. Deal with it.

I wrote this and posted it somewhere.

I will tell you what men are thinking in under 500 words.

Despite my potentially getting kicked out of the secret order the Y chromosome, a.k.a. the testosteronites, I have just heard “What are you thinking?” too much.

Men think about 4 things. In no particular order, let’s get to them

Number one: what is in front of him

If he is writing the check for the phone bill he is thinking:

“Those bank fees are terrible. I hate that bank.” or “Who is calling Austria? Why is our long distance carrier always charging us a ‘line fee’? Aren’t the wires paid for yet?” or “I’m a single, heterosexual man but these checks have kittens cavorting on them, why?”

In any case he is thinking about what is front of him.

Number two: Sports

This varies widely. It is doubtful a man in Cleveland is thinking about Manchester United needing a striker. It also is not limited to “conventional” sports. A man thinking about the 1945 radio chess match between the US and USSR and the guy reviewing in his head the gold medal basketball game in Munich 1972 are both thinking about sports. It may be a deeper than expected but still sports related. For example: “Good thing Grandpa, God rest his soul, passed away before Bucky ‘Bleeping’ Dent. I remember how Grandpa always carried butter scotch candy for us kids in his coat pocket.”

Number three: Sex

This can be more complicated than you think. (At least if it is done right.)

Seriously, a man can watch a lady writer being interviewed on a TV show and go off in thought about how another woman’s has similar hair around her face. In fact most great literature is tangentially about sex. (In case I get accused of plagiarism, Mark Knofler should get some credit here.)

So is this article. I’m writing it in the hopes you women will stop worrying what we are thinking and cut to the chase. (I’m writing in vain.)

Four: The other specific thing for that man

If he is a gear head, surprise, he may be thinking of cars. If he is a computer guy, surprise, he may be thinking of computers. If he is into politics, surprise, he may be thinking of politics. If he is an avid video game fan, surprise, he maybe thinking of a videogame. If he’s a jock, surprise, he may be thinking about his sport. (Note: there is a difference between playing and watching.) If he plays guitar in a band, surprise, he may be thinking of chord changes. You get the idea.

That is it. If you are wondering where you are, let me ask you a few questions. Are you ever in front of him? Do you ever have sex? Do you watch a “sport” (loose definition) that he is also interested in? Do you have any common interests? If you answered “Yes” to any of the above, then he thinks of you.

Blue,

No, he didn't, thankfully! He did point out things that he would like me to wear, but didn't try to choose a size. Of course, we had a difference of opinion on what to get, so I kicked him out of the store while I finished my shopping. He ended up in an electronics store. BIG surprise (not)!

More men’s rules (I didn’t write these, and apologies if there are any repeats to the ones given above):

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
comments become null and void after 7 days.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t
want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as football, the shotgun, or monster trucks.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but
did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Yes, a few, Callie, but not all. I can certainly relate to referring to round as being in shape.

Re "Men only see in 16 colours"

-Excuse me, I'm male, and I've exhausted the entire Dulux colour chart! Of course, writing sci-fi featuring archangelic beings all named after a signature colour will do that to you after you've introduced 50-odd of them...

(Dyggo the Blue and Wesklan the Red, OK, but eventually you get to Palvus the Chartreuse and it just gets darn silly)

It's not the jeans that make your rear look big.
(It was on a list of one-liners I found.)

Actually, I think it would be nice if guys could remember important days - your birthday, your anniversary. They should be important to him, too, after all. On the other hand, if he can't (won't) remember, I think you should start to work with it, rather than just complain. How many anniversaries can you claim in a year? ;)
I'm still working on getting my mom to accept the fact that my dad giving her roses is really nice. Yes, after 40+ years of marriage, it would be nice if he knew her favorite flowers were carnations. On the other hand, he's trying to be romantic, he knows that roses (red, no less) are romantic - and a vacuum cleaner is not (first Valentines Day gift: he's never repeated that mistake!). I keep telling her, at least he brings her flowers. No one brings me flowers. (Cats don't do things like that.)

No, but cats have been known to gnaw on flowers. (OK, that doesn't really help, does it?)