Although some woman ideas might be funny, let's face it; brides are insane. Frankly ladies you've been planning the PERFECT wedding since you were three and you may be a wee bit obsessive ("The flowers should be a different shade of PINK. MY special day is RUINED.")

To steal Dave Barry's idea skee ball at the reception is definitely a guy idea. I only steal from the best

50 Elvis impersonators as ushers is definitely a guy idea. If you see a TV thing about two scuba divers getting married underwater or skydivers getting married in freefall, those had to be guy ideas.

My idea is to get married after round # three of the Eastern Amateur chess team tournament. Others would be in tuxes and ugly bridesmaid dresses. I'd be on board #2 in a tux (best man on board #1). The bride would be in a rented white dress on #3. The Matron on Honor would be in a butt ugly dress on board #4. Everyone would think we were not really a wedding party. The Tournament Director (who'd be in on it) would get his JP and marry us after the third round. The fourth round would have the alternates (ushers or bridesmaids) play. Oh, the team would be called wedding party or something.

Of course the problem with this is finding a chick that plays chess well enough to pull it off. (Last I checked both of them were married.)

I posted this on the Catholicism page of RM, but I was asked to post it here, too.
If I ever get married again (fat chance) I'd like to do it in Vegas with an Elvis impersonator officiating. Also, I'd work the titles of Elvis songs into the vows.

I think I take exception to the assumption that all brides have been obsessively planning the picture perfect wedding since conception.

I sure as heck have not been. I had asked my best friend to make an appointment for me at the hair salon on the day I was married, but she called back to report they were first come, first serve. So I went in on that day, and they were booked up. Could not squeeze me in anywhere. Fine, says I. So I go to my parents' home, and just use my little brother's hair gel and do my hair myself. I have zero recollection of crying, sobbing, screaming, or whatever else it is that bridezillas do.

And besides, I hate pink flowers (exceptions: roses and carnations) .

But a lot of the brides who are like that have been...programmed? since birth like that. I mean, let's face. Women are still supposed to be vapid and pretty. Men are supposed to be macho and powerful businessmen. The only exception is when the woman gets married - then she gets to show off her planning and organizational details.

And have you even seen the bridal magazines recently? I avoid them at all costs, even when they're brought into work for every female's perusal.

The wedding industry is just dang scary.

Well, we can face.

Or we can face it.

Erg.

I mean, let's face. == I mean, let's face it.

Re: the Elvis wedding thing.

Yeesh, and people think I'm out to lunch for wanting my sister to be my Best Man at my wedding.

My dream wedding has my next ex-wife to be in a big church wedding and marrying some other guy when I start banging on the glass on the balcony and scream "Juliet! Juliet!" After she yells out, "My name is Margaret," we run out of the church and get in the back of a bus. (This is weird since her name is Janet.)

Of course if it is really my dream wedding then the Three Stooges are there and I try to fake my way around while no one notices I forgot my pants.

To Blue: Do you shoo off the encroaching mob with a crucifix, and then lock them in the church with that same crucifix?
My ex-wife was planning her wedding from when she was a little girl. The fact that her (younger) sister was married before she was probably added insult to injury. After the wedding, real life set in, something she was less than able to cope with.

Not all women are obsessive about weddings. When I was in Las Vegas last summer with my boyfriend, I pointed out as many chapels as he did, although we didn't get married, yet! He's the one who wants a "proper" wedding. I say $35 in Vegas is good enough for me! More money left for the honeymoon!

My next idea is ••••••. My new spouse •••••• •••••• •••••• •••••• and is ••••••. Then we •••••• •••••• ••••••. Then the cheese sauce is poured and •••••• •••••• ••••••. With the elephants we •••••• •••••• and the guest all •••••• jello ••••••.

All those red dots are for the word $tupid.

All I know about weddings is if it happens to me it's gonna be Presbyterian service.The end!

During my wedding (not the marriage mind you) my ex was going nut because her wedding dress was not delivered on time and she had to "settle" for a different one.

You know, as long as she wore clothes I was happy.

Why did she have to buy the dress? Was she going to wear it again? How about the Bridesmaids? Will you wear the fuchsia dress with matching dyed shoes again? The Groom and Ushers rent their tuxes because they are sane.

Then there is the reception. Relatives I did not know (from both sides of the family). If I was in charge of invitations they would not be embossed silver on fuchsia cards with matching envelopes and for $17 a matching ink pen to address them. Of course I just nodded and said "Yes, Dear" to whatever she wanted instead of being told I didn't care if the wedding was RUINED. Heck, I'd be crazy enough to use normal envelopes and a 79-cent Bic{TM} pen.

Do gay guys having a civil union ceremony (or whatever you call it) have one person going nuts like that? (I assume lesbians do have at least one insane partner.)

I wish we could just rent the dress. Very few, if any, places rent wedding or bridesmaid dresses. Guys get off lucky, being able to return the tux and just pay a small rental fee.

If I was in charge of invitations they would not be embossed silver on fuchsia cards with matching envelopes and for $17 a matching ink pen to address them. Of course I just nodded and said "Yes, Dear" to whatever she wanted instead of being told I didn't care if the wedding was RUINED. Heck, I'd be crazy enough to use normal envelopes and a 79-cent Bic{TM pen.}

So I suppose you approve of the George Costanza route of getting the cheapest ones possible, regardless of whether the envelopes have toxic glue?

margie,

A wedding dress rental shop would be a good ecconomic opportunity if brides every got sane and were willing to go there.

I'd be first in line for the rentals - if I ever get married!

margie,

Of course you say that now. You are not getting married and are currently sane. I bet it'd be a short line.

Before I got married, my fiance and I bought a book called "Bridal Bargains: Secrets to Throwing a Fantastic Wedding on a Realistic Budget". It is a great read even if you're not planning to get married. One of the chapters discusses the how the bridal-gown designers and manufacturers have managed to crush almost every attempt to rent wedding gowns. (And the chapter exposing the whole scam with bridesmaid's gowns is simply halarious). So it is not just the insane brides who are behind it.

Blue Berry - are you sure I'm sane?!?

If I could get married in sweatpants, I'd be the happiest bride on Earth!

margie,

Anyone who studiously avoids capitalizing their name can't be all bad. Sweatpants you say. By chance would this be your first wedding? (I assume you'd get all the insanity out on the first one and not care if the J.P.'s breath smelled of peanut butter on the second one.)

Never been married, so, yup, it'd be my first! I'm basically a simple person-not into frilly stuff, and I think pantyhose (and girdles) were originally torture devices that some man decided women should suffer through all the time.

My boyfriend, however, keeps saying that we should have a real wedding. Of course, he hasn't asked me yet!

margie,

Corsets, pantyhose, high heels, and chocolate. Mmmmm... – in voice of censored name of yellow guy in popular Fox primetime cartoon

Tell your boyfriend the wedding is not nearly important as the marriage, and too much ceremony might put you out of the mood on the honeymoon.

Good idea! Thanks!

in case they change it weekly I'll copy details of the deal of the week that are pertinent

Here’s another deal…with at twist. We all know how expensive weddings can be. Well, The Occidental Grand Cozumel in Mexico is offering a wedding ceremony with lots of trimmings, free all this year if you book four or more of the hotel’s “Royal Club” guestrooms for 4 nights. Prices start at $180 per night per person.
You can get married on the beach, the hotel’s terrace or gazebo. Bouquets and other flowers are included, as is the judge, marriage license and even a dinner for 20 with wedding cake and four bottles of bubbly. Oh, and you get a full breakfast in bed the next morning, since you probably will be honeymooning there.

I think I take exception to the assumption that all brides have been obsessively planning the picture perfect wedding since conception.

Me too. Except every time I go to daydream about the 'informal, relaxed' wedding I keep insisting I'll have - assuming I can ever find a guy to play the second lead - somehow I always end up in a big poufy cream-coloured dress with bows all over, surrounded by lots of pink roses (and ferns, and babies'-breath...) in an exquisitely decorated reception hall, etc, etc. I suspect it's just a gene we females are born with, all but a very lucky few.

I do have a couple personal innovations, though. For one thing, no syrupy wedding song; no fifty zillion bridesmaids (and the couple I do pick will wear not-ugly dresses they can recycle on many other occasions); no li'l tulle favours with Whatsourname and the date on for people to yank out of the drawer they've gotten stuck to a year later and go 'Ewwwww!'; no speeches 'cept from the parents and best man/maid of honour; and absolutely no stuffing cake in each others' mouths.

On the cake thing:

I told my ex for 2 years (long engagement [The horror, the horror.]) that I go second. I promised up and down that I would do as she did. For two years she said she was going to be nice. I snorted wedding cake. I reminded her that the groom goes second.

kerriem,

If you do not want cake smashed in your face do not smash it in his face. (Should I assume you are smarter than my ex?)

Question about people who write their own vows; why are they alwasy so sickeningly schmultzy they make Bridge of Madison County look like Paradise Lost? Just use the vows I wrote (re: stole from a TV show);

{Girls' name}, through all the tears and struggles, I always knew in my heart we'd make it here. I promise to love and respect you from this point forward, as your husband. As my wife, my lover, my friend, and my soul mate, all I am is yours.


25 cool points to anyone who knows where I got that from.

No idea, Brian, but it's beautiful nonetheless.

I understand that in Quincy, M.E.'s wedding ep, the bride actually sang her vows. Now, I don't care if you're Whitney Houston - OK, maybe her, but nobody else - that is pushing it.

Brian, maybe because they really are deeply in love?

Someday it'll happen to you, and you'll understand.

I was thinking of just having my friends stand around while I pulled the sword out of Acathala.

Is that what the kids are using as a euphemism these days?

Wedding vows

I swear to love you with all of my heart, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Yup.

A fellow I used to work with was going to be married and his bride-to-be considered singing as she walked down the aisle for a time. Thankfully she dropped the idea.

kerriem: Thanks for saying so. Maybe I'll actually get to use them someday eh? Well, the sad thing, it really only works if getting to the wedding part of the realtionship was an uphill battle. Otherwise...

Brian Webber,

With a little reworking it can be a great pick-up line.

Some friends of my parents combined a wedding with a Christmas party... the thing was, most of the guests only thought they were going to have a Christmas party. The party and wedding included a visit from Santa. During the party, Santa presided over a fake wedding with guests from the audience, which then became a real wedding with a real couple who were married by a real minister.

Kerrie: You mentioned Quincy. She really did sing her wedding vows in that ep (one of the series' last, BTW.)
Quincy's second wife looked just like his first wife (they were both played by Anita Gillette, who later would play the doomed wife of Dr. Westphall {the late Ed Flanders} on St. Elsewhere.)

There was a recent episode of the PBS series American Masters dealing with the life and career of Joni Mitchell. In an interview, she said that as she was walking up the aisle to marry her first husband, Chuck Mitchell, she was thinking about how she could get out of it.

Christ, and I thought *I* was cynical!

Adam, Berry, grow up. :p

More cynicism: (sorry, Hannah)
HBO is running the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding as I write this. If I were Ian (John Corbett) I would have run the other way after meeting Toula's (Nia Vardalos) family. Actually, in 1978, I dated this woman (overgrown child is a more accurate description) with a very overbearing mother, and I did run the other way.

Kerrie wrote:
Absolutely no stuffing cake in each others' mouths.

I think smashing wedding cake in each other's faces is immature, juvenile and totally undignified. However, these days, I think it's expected. My ex was expecting me to do it on our wedding day; you can tell on the video by her posturing as I fed her the cake.

I've mentioned elsewhere how much I can't stand that "tradition." (It was over on one of the movie boards about things in movies that make you go "Noooo!") Some people justify it as "just having fun," but I can think of better ways to do so that don't waste food or ruin what should be a somewhat serious event. Same with throwing the bride and/or groom into a pool or some such nonsense. No, I'm not a stuffy old stick-in-the-mud, but that kind of childish slapstick is insulting to the families and ultimately, though they may not realize it, to the bride and groom, too.

Throwing the bouquet and then the garter gets all the single guys deciding if the boquet catcher was a looker. If she's not they sit out. I went to wedding where it was vice versa. Guys didn't go up incase the woman catching the boquet was Aunt Brunhilda or if the woman saw who the guy was and sat out. I say don't do the garter thing at all. Throw the bouquet and that's it.

Then I can have another beer, shake my head, and wonder why they screwed up a good thing by making it legal.

I don't think men should have strippers at their bachelor parties. It is incredibly disrespectful towards the future wife. Why is it entertaining to men to see such degrading things?

My friend and her husband had a together party combining the bachelorette and bachelor party wanna know where they held it? At a local strip club. If folks are wanting to go see it and spend money on it and everyone is a legal age then it aint your problem so get over it.

Whethe such things are degrading or disrespectful depends on the two spouses. Some would find these things to be thus, and some would not. Each couple should make these decisions individually, according to their personal feelings.

While I've personally been to two bachelor parties myself, I was not with anyone at the time, and I would not attend one if I were, nor would I have a bachelor party if and when I got married, nor be pleased with my fiancee having one.

Rona, what about when women have bachelorette parties where they are male strippers? What about women who think it's fun to go to the strip club?

Oh! That's very different.


Never mind.

I didn't really want a bachelor party when I took the plunge. But, I didn't really make my wishes known. So, back on a Friday in June 1988, I was coming home from seeing The Presidio, and I run into my brother, who scoops me up, and takes me to (IIRC) a Knights Of Columbus hall, where practicaly every guy I knew was waiting for me. A lot of beer flowed, but the actions were pretty laid back (my dad was there.) Afterward, my brothers and brother-in-law took me to a strip club - that I didn't even know existed. And, where absolutely nothing happened, by the way, except that the guys took me home after a while (and a few more beers.) They hung out at my apartment, while I just went to sleep (by then, it was about 6:30 a.m.) They did wake me up at 8:30 a.m. to leave. Since then, I have never set foot in a strip club, nor do I have any desire to. (I'm almost 51, and I think I'm too old for that stuff.)

You/re only as young as you act. Besides at 51 by now you should know what works and what doesnt.

No, you're only as young as you think.

Any woman who marries me will get a certificate of my celebacy. (Not kidding)

Yes, but what about your celibacy?

Sorry, John. Spelling quips are never funny.

No problem. Seeing you ignored what I said and went by what I meant.

Let me try that again....

Any woman who marries me will get a certificate of my celibacy. (Not kidding)

Would that be a validation of your purity up until then, or an oath for the future?

Is this guarantee independently verified and certified? Are you monitored?

RE: Influx & Snick...

Re: Influx...My purity ends on my honeymoon with whomever I marry.

Re: Snick...My oath of celibacy was made in the presence of my parents and the members of the church that I go to. The validation was signed by my Pastor...therefore verified & certified.

As far as "monitoring" goes, I'm watched by God...and if you can't trust His judgment, what good would having a chaperone do?

PS....If the woman who loves me wants "proof" of my celibacy, I would gladly submit to any physician for testing

John, I say this as a quasi-net-friend/acquaintance and fellow human-being, you are one weird mamma-jamma. :-)

Why, thank you.

I want the brides maids to wear a long skirt, long puffy sleeve dress with a high buttoned collar with a ladies bow kneck tie, and everyone else in shorts and shortsleeve dress clothes.