I got this email today from a friend. The subject line said "Happy Thoughts." Being the sarcastic smartass I am, I decided to sent them back to her with my rebuttals, which are in black.

ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Okay. Here goes…

TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
If you’ve met any "man/women," I think there’s something else about them they can make money off than their conversational skills!

THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz……..hm? Huh? What happen? Oh, wow, did I dose off? What did you say again?

FOUR.
When you say, "I love you", mean it.
I do. And that car of mine better appreciate it!

FIVE.
When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
What if I’m trying to console them for going blind?

SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Yeah. Plenty of time to plan the escape route.

SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.
I do. And man, was I right. That cheesecake was delicious!

EIGHT.
Don't ever laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
I know what you mean. I had that "showing up in a public place in your underwear" dream last night, and I sure wish I had much more!

NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
The alimony doesn’t hurt, either.

TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly. Please NO name calling.
What about hair-pulling, eye-gouging and fish-hooking?

ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Yeah, cuz, you never know…Hitler’s granddaughter might be a real hottie.

TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
Sure. But how long did it take you to type that?

THIRTEEN.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
I tried that. And the other guy said, "I just wanted to see if you wanted to answer the question."

FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Especially if you love bullfighting. Or the stock market.

FIFTEEN.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
I pretty much get by with "Dude, you have the BIGGEST glob of goo hanging out your nostril!"

SIXTEEN.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
What if the lesson is "winning is everything?"

SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
Mine are Remote Control, Rad Chicks, and Rum.

EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
What if the dispute is over who’s dumber?

NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Or make sure you place the blame on someone nobody likes.

TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
Either that, or my acting has been that good each time you’ve called me.

TWENTY ONE.
Spend some time alone.
I can assure you that responding to emails like this isn’t really a group activity, Einstein.

ROFL!!!!!

You sound like me, Luigi.:P

Let us know how she responds!

I just hope she isn't offended by my little rebuttals. The funny thing is, I also sent my version to everyone that she sent hers to. I don't expect responses from them, since my Inbox is on Exclusive, but I wonder which one they'd react better to.

Luigi,

TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly. Please NO name calling.
What about hair-pulling, eye-gouging and fish-hooking?

HAH! You are no prepared to face a bald guy with ANSI approved saftey glasses!!

You forgot an ANSI approved facemask!

ANSI?

Association for Non-Sighted Idiots?

(And btw, that wasn't a flame; I would've used a different word, but I couldn't think of another one that began with the letter "I". )

I don't know what ANSI actually stands for. I think they are under OSHA. My glasses are federally approved! I thank everyone for their financial support.

No. ANSI isn't under OSHA. ANSI is "American National Standards Institute". I can't remember if it's governmental or non-governmental.

Go ahead and judge my by my relatives. My family ran a swank cathouse in the 50s/60s.

So proud...

Thanks ScottN,

(Gee, I gotta save that so I can write it with one key stroke.)

>>Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

>>1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am
when I am with you.

And all this time I thought you loved.. ME!! WAHHHHH!!! Typical. Your gender is so self-obsessed *sniffle*

>>2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't
>>make you cry.

Is that man or woman worth my tears if I hold them dear, and they go and DIE on me, the ungrateful bastard?

>>3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I think I'm getting diabetes here...

>>4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

If they reach for my hand, they'll touch my hand. If they reach for my heart, um, I'd slap their hand away. Try and cop a feel, will you?

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

Oh, and I *so* want the idiots in my high school! They're so ••••••, it's...it's... why, it's dead sexy! And their mastery of the English language....Shakespeare, I tell you.

What do you MEAN I can't have them??!!!!!

>>6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who
is falling in love with your smile.

Well, pooh to them. I usually have a scowl on my face, even when I'm (unusual for me) in a good mood.

>>7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Yeah, and they'd best stay back! I don't need any stalkers...

>>8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

Y-y-you mean Timberlake of N'Sync DOESN'T really love me back??!!!!!!! MY Justy-Wusty? WAAHHHH!!!! MOMMYYY!!!!!!!!!!

>>9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be greatful.

And maybe we'll be so jaded about our past experiences we won't know it.

>>10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

Sure...I grin, hell, laugh, over all the things wrong in my life: my physical problems, my good friend's depression, not having an even half-way nice body...you get the idea.

>>11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

And I'll just trust everyone, even if they break my heart! And I guess that gentleman who made millions while working at home, e-mailing me about it--I should trust him, too? Cool.

>>12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

And if I'm happy with who I am? Screw my feelings on myself, and change for another person? Uh-huh.

>>13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

Yeah, there's a light shining at the end of the dark, miserable, pointless tunnel we laughingly call "life."

>>REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
>>
>>True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
>>
>>Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and
>>good
>>friends!!!
>>
>>You have been Tagged by the Green Dog!
>>
>>,-._,-.
>>\/)"(\/
>>(_o_)
>>
>>
>>ruff!!!!!!
>>
>>You will Have Good Luck For Two Years if you send this to 8 people
>>or more and if this is sent back to you then you are a true
>>friend......

Or maybe that's what *you* want me to think...

>>You must send it in 5 minutes or your good luck will run out.
>>
Ooh ooh!!!! I KNEW there was a reason I had an address book! Let me send this to everyone, and •••• them off for spamming them!!

Meh?

I was going to go even further with some of these, but my better judgment prevailed. Nuts.

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
You have Multiple Personality Disorder, and you’re blaming me for it?

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
‘Cept for that one skank I knew with the onion breath.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Bull. If she won’t go south on me, screw her.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
That’s a not a true friend. That’s a friend with •••• eyesight.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
Especially if you left your Ruffies at home.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
Yeah, like I should’ve been more concerned with scoring the last time I went to a funeral.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Yeah, that’s why I got that restraining order.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
If you’ve met many "man/women" then you’ve been watching too much specialty porno.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be greatful.
Or because he’s a •••• matchmaker.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
Not the best advice for a tragedy victim.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
While I plan my revenge.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
How ironic this advice is being given on an Internet message board.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
So does cancer.

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
So the caps lock key on your keyboard got pressed by Divine Intervention?

True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
Do blowup dolls count?

You will Have Good Luck For Two Years if you send this to 8 people or more
Great. I’ll have my dog send it and get fourteen years instead.

and if this is sent back to you then you are a true friend......
…whose friends’ email Inboxes are apparently over their limit.

You must send it in 5 minutes or your good luck will run out.
Cue the Final Jeopardy theme music.

Hanna,

#4. Yuck!

Luigi, you're a laugh-out-loud funny guy and I love reading your posts...but just a gentle reminder re: NitCentral being 'family friendly', OK?
Tone down the four-letter-word usage a bit, or use asterisks, or something.

Sorry! I must've been thinking of RM or PM, where MarkN has stated more lenient rules on language. If you want, you can replace the two instances of "s----y" with "lousy."

---

Quote:

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
How ironic this advice is being given on an
Internet message board.

---

I don't like playing censor, Luigi, so I've decided to go with the dots as a compromise. Thanks for being so understanding, anyway.

Mark has every right to loosen things up on his substantially very adult boards, but here in this multi-topic forum I don't think that's gonna be possible.

Some thoughts for people planning to get married on Valentine's Day:

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

"Marriage certificate" is just another word for "work permit."

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS
listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. [My personal favourite - So9]

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defence.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

Marriage is a 60/40 proposition. Both spouses put in 60 and get back 40.

Scott, tell your wife you think that.
Let me know how it turns out.

I think what? Or are you talking to Merat?

I don't bother with New Years' Resolutions.
I make New Weeks' Resolutions.
They don't work any better, but I keep trying.


Let's be glad celebrity journalists don't ask certain questions.
Like, whether Madonna is going through menopause yet or what brand of tampons Britney Spears uses or whether Christina Aguilera was having her period when she did her most recent video.
Or was Janet Reno suffering from PMS when she ordered the bombing of the Waco compound?

Let's be glad a lot of people are still against what Michael Jackson and Kenneth Lay are accused of.

Let's be glad not all Moslems approve of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.

Let's be glad John Ashcroft hasn't started going after the writers for Saturday Night Live and Mad TV.

Let's be glad Saddam Hussein and Marge Schott aren't considered sex symbols.