Ever wondered about those stup¡d Warning Labels (http://rinkworks.com/said/warnings.shtml) you always see on various products? They're as funny as they are, well, just plain stup¡d.

And then you have some pretty Stup¡d Quotes (http://www.angelfire.com/sd/amandascoffeeshoppe/stup id.html), too.

Couldn't create the links cuz I'd get the message, "The formatting code link does not allow other formatting tags to be nested inside it." Also, if you copy and paste the quotes link then be sure to close the "stup id.html" part or else you'll get an error message when trying to use it as is.

My favorite is the one seen on Sun Maid Raisins...."Ingredients: Raisins"

"G'uh!" (Amy from Futurama)

Clickable Links from above:
Warning Labels and Stewpid Quotes

One I saw on TV a while back:
"Warning: People passing this point may be drowned, by order of the Council."

In a software licence:
"We know these terms are unconscionable, but so are our lawyers."

In an instruction manual:
"Thankyou for buying this product. It would give you years of trouble free service, except that you will undoubtedly destroy it through some typical boneheaded consumer manoeuvre. So please, please read the instructions before you open the box.

You opened the box, didn't you. You opened the box and installed the product and pressed all the buttons and even now your child (the same child who put a sausage in the video recorder and pressed 'fast forward') is playing with it."

The manual went on like this for a while, and mentioned that the instructions had been translated from Japanese by the office secretary, who didn't actually speak Japanese, but who had every episode of Shogun on video.

In London, we have recently introduce congestion charges for motorists. You can pay the charge by Internet. The web site was criticised, amongst other thinks, for being hard to use if you are visually impared.

I which case, why are you driving???

Sophie, it seems to me that the problem is the intrusiveness of the CCTV used for the congestion charges.

In an instruction manual:
"Thankyou for buying this product. It would give you years of trouble free service, except that you will undoubtedly destroy it through some typical boneheaded consumer manoeuvre. So please, please read the instructions before you open the box.

You opened the box, didn't you. You opened the box and installed the product and pressed all the buttons and even now your child (the same child who put a sausage in the video recorder and pressed 'fast forward') is playing with it."

The manual went on like this for a while, and mentioned that the instructions had been translated from Japanese by the office secretary, who didn't actually speak Japanese, but who had every episode of Shogun on video.

This is actually from a (screemingly funny) Dave Barry parody of electronics instruction manuals. I know 'cause it's one of my favourite columns from his Greatest Hits collection.

Thanks, Kerrie. With your help I located the full text:
http://thatsrich.com/manual.htm

(The unconscionable lawyer quote is real - I bought the software!)

((Or I thought I bought the software. I probably agreed for them to loan it to me until they want it back, and also agreed to perform cleaning duties on demand for the manufacturers.))

LOL, Sophie. And glad to be of service.

Couple of my favourites: On a bag of unshelled peanuts - 'Warning, remove shells before consuming nuts.'

On a packet of Nytol (sleeping pills): 'Warning, may cause drowsiness.'

There's also the story, which I understand is quite true, that many computer manufacturers have had to rewrite certain instructions because of too many confused people calling in to say they can't find the 'Any' key.

And finally, a too-good-to-pass-up-posting-here coincidence from a recent reread of Bill Bryson's Notes From a Big Country, a collection of his UK newspaper columns about life Stateside:

...I had a look through our cupboards and discovered with interest that nearly all household products in America carry a hotline number. You can, it appears, ring up for guidance on how to use soap and shampoo, gain helpful tips on where to store ice cream so that it doesn't turn to soup...and receive professional advice on which parts of your body you can most successfully and stylishly apply nail polish. ("So let me get this straight. You're saying not on my forehead?")

Just do a Google image search for "anykey".

Have a look at this:

http://www.engrish.com

Great stuff

Sorry, forgot to add:

It's not entirely pertinent to the thread, but it does have a warning label section and I thought this was the best place to put it.

A while ago, there were some stoopid signs mentioned and read out on a game show. The two ones I can remember were: A sign on the grounds of a hotel which said 'For Shooting Guests Only' and a board in a nature park that said, 'Do Not Throw Signs At This Noticeboard'.

What is wrong with me today?

That should have been, 'Do Not Throw Stones At This Noticeboard.'

Great site, Paul.
Been giggring all evening.

Just a question but why do mattress tags have that warning label about prosecuting if the tag is taken off or removed?Has anyone EVER in the history of modern law been prosecuted for taking the tag off of a mattress?Is there some hidden gulag somewhere where people who have been found guilty of taking the label off the mattress are forced to sew new tags on?

Warning: after heating, product may be hot.
(Apparently on some Marks and Spencer stuff.)

One that is often quoted but isn't stupid is:
"May cause drowsiness, if affected do not drive"
on childrens' cough medicine.

OK, so, you've got a bad cough. You go to the medicine cabinet and the only cough medicine is your kid's. The shops aren't open until after the weekend. Whatcha gonna do?

Scott, last I saw, they now read, "Not to be removed except by consumer" (emphasis mine).

Since besides the warning itself, the tags also describe the nature and purity of the filling (foam rubber, goose-down, etc.), presumably it is a warning against product tampering. Still, the old less specific warning did give a lot of stand-up comedians material.

On Christmas lights:
Warning: for indoor or outdoor use only

Warning: Not to be used internally.

That was on a bottle of shampoo. I had years ago. I guess they were worried I'd get really drunk and confused.

Sophie, did you listen to "Punt and Dennis: It's Been A Bad Week" on Radio 2 last week? I'm sure they were discussing this (including some of these very tags) on the first show of the new series.

Speaking of which, New Scientist once joked at a label on a bottle of Povidone Iodine surgical scrub which read "May cause irritation to meninges" (the outer covering protecting your brain and spinal cord - meningitis occurs when it gets inflamed) and wondered why someone would want to use Povidone over meninges. Well, in fact it is used a lot in minor and major procedures to disinfect areas of skin about to go under the knife. Thus, it can get through to the meninges via by a careless needle stuck into the spinal column when either performing a lumbar puncture (to investigate meningitis), or during the administration of spinal or epidural anaesthesia. So I don't know why they're laughing.

Yep, Sven. "It's Been A Bad Week" is one of my favourite radio shows. They even had the inflatable church, although I don't see what's bad about that.

My favourite 'bad week' this week - the girl who tried to escape an attacking squirrel ... by climbing .. a .. tree.

My favourite bad week story was the one about a law making it illegal to kill ants in Germany. [Cue music]

It that really true? Constanze, like to tell us? It sounds really daft.
(I've committed mass murder this year - the little blighters keep digging up my lawn.)

All-time favourite Bad Week was the guy who was knocked unconscious by a squirrel -
while walking through the woods -
wearing a hat -
with nuts hanging from it.

That was on a bottle of shampoo.

Don't use shampoo on your hair! Insist on REAL poo!!!!

ScottN,

That would be good for real manly scent.

("None of that Lavender cr__ for me.")

And now I will play up to the dumb southerner stereotype. While driving in Atlanta, Georgia the other day, my mother pointed out to me that the sticker on the back of the school bus in front of us read "Caution: Remian Back 50 Feet". I have since seen this tpyo on every bus in Georgia.

I know, Merat. Every Southerner knows 'back' is spelt 'bayck'.

Sven, ScottN, My favourite bad week story was the one about a law making it illegal to kill ants in Germany.

I've never heard of that one, but my guess is that certain species of ants (the big red forest ant, compared to the common black ant bugging you on your lawn) is endangered and plays an important role in the ecology of the forest, so nature groups try to help the ants by building wire cages to protect the ant-heaps from animals, start new heaps, and so on.

I guess if you are caught vandalizing one of those heaps, you might be fined or otherwise punished.

On your own lawn, that would be another matter.

Back on topic with some more funny things...


On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial Soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): "Do not turn upside down."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: keep out of children."

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

Uh, Sven, since you're a doctor, you should know better on this one. Speaking as the parent of a child with a drop-dead allergy to nuts... There is a difference between nuts (aka tree nuts) and peanuts (which are legumes).

My daughter happily eats peanut butter, but cannot eat anything with ANY other kind of nut in it. The warning label you mention probably indicates that the peanuts were processed on equipment that also processes other kinds of nuts.

Darn! Seems to be my morning for rants! \airplane{I knew I picked the wrong week to stop [drinking|smoking|taking amphetamines|sniffing glue]!}

I have a local street map which says on the cover, "For area covered, see map inside"!

I think the Superman costume warning was placed because some kid actually plummetted to his death trying to fly from a balcony, or something like that. That might be an urban legend, but I'm sure the costume manufacturer takes it seriously enough and wants to head off any potential frivolous lawsuits.

Uh, Scott... I'm not a doctor. (Yet.)

But I have seen product labels that make your later point clearer (about products made in a factory where other nut-containing products are processed).

[And as a nearly-doctor I can recommend some good drinking/smoking/amphetamine/glue cessation clinics. ]

(P.S. Sorry about my bluntness - I'm still reeling from last night's football match.)

Merat wrote: ...My mother pointed out to me that the sticker on the back of the school bus in front of us read "Caution: Remian Back 50 Feet".

Was Shinzon seen in your rear view mirror?
(runs and hides at warp speed.)

I used to see a lot of license plate frames with quotes on them. They used to be sold at any auto parts store. I don't see a lot of them too much any more. However, there are places on line where you can get them custom made, for between $15 and $20. Two Chicks is one such outfit. Anyway, I want to get one that says "Happiness Is Being Divorced." A bit of whimsy on my part. Good idea or not?

Winners of the 2004 Wacky Warning Label contest (pulled from Readers Digest):

Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.

Do not use snowblower on roof.

Do not use massage chair without clothing... and never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving.

from a neck wrap to be warmed in the microwave:
Warning - Do not microwave on the body.
(That's a BIG microwave.)

"Do not use on groin area"

Found on a chainsaw...

But other body areas are ok, then? (just checking )

Funny label warnings