Pokerhontas. (C'mon, why hasn't anyone else thought of this already? You guys are really slackin'!
)
Phil Farrand: There's an opening in the Kitchen Sink
Dumb Blonde: Of course. How else does the water drain out?
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes Whack! Dang! A bad skydiver goes Dang! Whack!
---
Q: How is a tornado in Texas like a divorce in Tennessee?
A: Somebody's going to lose a trailer.
---
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Exactly where you left him.
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad skydiver has a better chance of making a hole in one? ;-)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him he won't come anyway.
What do you call a dog with no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a dog with no legs on a porch?
Matt
What do you call a dog with no legs on a hillside?
Rolly
What do you call a dog with no legs on a hot dog bun?
Frank
What do you call a dog with no legs in the fireplace?
Blaze
What do you call a dog with no legs hung on a wall?
Art
How do you take a dog with no legs for a walk?
It's a drag
How do make a dog with no legs float?
A little soda, a little ice cream...
Why was the dog with no legs wearing sunglasses?
If people were telling all these jokes about you would you want to be recognized?
How did Donald Duck get drunk?
Somebody slipped him a "Mickey"
=================================================
What did Mickey say to Donald when he was walking into a low-lying branch?
"Donald! Duck!"
How did Donald Duck defeat Black Pete?
He used his "Mickey Mouse Club"
Q: What does a gangsta rapper want for Xmas?
A: Ho, ho, ho!
What do you call an Indian Princess with a tobacco problem?
SMOKAHONTAS
What do you call an Indian Princess that dances to accordian music?
POLKAHONTAS
What do you call an Indian Princess with no money?
BROKAHONTAS
What do you call an Indian Princess with a nasty cough?
CHOKAHONTAS
What do you call an Indian Princess that tells funny stories with snappy punchlines?
JOKAHONTAS
What do you call an Indian Princess that drinks soda?
COKAHONTAS
What do you call an Indian Princess who is also a barrista?
Mochahontas
What do you call an Indian Princess who has an atomic bomb?
Nukahontas
What do you call an Indian Princess who has been turned into a fish?
Pocahontbass
What do you call an Indian Princess who manufactures windows?
Pocahontglass
What do you call an Indian Princess who's a card shark?
Pokerhontas. (C'mon, why hasn't anyone else thought of this already? You guys are really slackin'! )
New element discovered - Governmentium
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons......
The greatest blonde joke ever!
Darnit, Mark - it too me way too long to figure it out, and I'm not even blonde!
Reminds me of the old moron joke...
Quote:Front side of card:
How do you drive a moron nuts?
For answer, turn over.
Quote:Back side of card:
How do you drive a moron nuts?
For answer, turn over.
SIGN:
| DO NOT READ THIS SIGN! |
| $500.00 FINE |
Q: What do you call a famous physicist who spits?
A: Stephen Hawking a Loogie.
What do you call a famous physicist who stares?
Stephen Gawking
==================================================
What do you call a famous physicist who does drywall touch-up work?
Stephen Caulking
==================================================
What do you call a famous physicist who lectures for hours?
Stephen Talking
*** TWO COWS ***
DEMOCRATIC
-You have two cows.
-Your neighbor has none.
-You feel guilty for being successful.
-Barbra Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
-You have two cows.
-Your neighbor has none.
-So?
SOCIALIST
-You have two cows.
-The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
-You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
-You have two cows.
-The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
-You wait in line for hours to get it.
-It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
-You have two cows.
-You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
-You have two cows.
-Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
-You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
-Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You go on strike because you want three cows.
-You go to lunch and drink wine.
-Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
-They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
-Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
-Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
-While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
-You break for lunch.
-Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You have some vodka.
-You count them and learn you have five cows.
-You have some more vodka.
-You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
-The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
-You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
-You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
-You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-They go into hiding.
-They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
-You have two bulls.
-Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
-You have one cow.
-The cow is schizophrenic.
-Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
-The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
-The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow'smilk.
-The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
-The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
-You have a black cow and a brown cow.
-Everyone votes for the best looking one.
-Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
-Some people vote for both.
-Some people vote for neither.
-Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
-Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of- state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
-You have millions of cows.
-They make real California cheese.
-Only five speak English.
-Most are illegals.
-Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
A pirate walks into a doctors office.
The doctor remarks: "There's a ship's steering wheel stuck to your pants!"
The pirate responds: "Yarrr! It's driving me nuts!"
Luigi Novi will, in fact, hunt me down and hurt me for this:
Q: Why don't New Yorkers believe in God?
A: They've seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's just New Jersey.
Hunt me down with dogs and firehoses.
You're dead.
Math and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive.
A Jungle Tribe wanted to build a throne for their Chief. When asked, he resquested a solid gold throne with silver stairs and ivory armrests.
Months went by and the throne was completed.
When the day of presentation arrived, the throne was stolen.
The Chief's guards begin making a hut to hut search.
Finally...they found the throne...it had landed on top of the thieves after they tried to hide it on the 2nd floor of their grass hut.
The moral of the story is:
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!
Definition of irony: The word to describe two or more consonant-sounding words itself begins with a vowel: alliteration.
What did the Jewish Rabbis yell when it was time to take back the Books of Moses from their enemies?
TORAH! TORAH! TORAH!
What do you call a lower-class Arabian that's only pretending to be poor?
A Fakir faker!
I've made a new form of government. It's kind of a republic based on invisible money.
Woodstock: |||| |||| ||||
Snoopy: Haw! Haw! Hoo! Haw! Haw!
(I agree---that was as funny joke!)
Marina Sirtis: "I want you John. John, I want you to hold me... and do whatever you feel like doing to me."
I think that should be on "Things you'll never hear"
no, its a joke on you because you'd get your hopes up only to be broken hearted and then we'd all laugh at you...
No, It's a joke on you cuz' neither will happen.
Some names for future military campaigns authorized only by a US President.
Operation Search and Caesar - obtaining phone records
Operation Texas Holdum - Patrolling the Southern Border
Operation Just Cuz - Could explain any recent policy unfortunately...
I know there's a political humor board, but I can't find it. Feel free to move it if its not appropriate for this one.
for Polls Voice-More military campaigns of the future
Romulan War
Orgainian Peace Treaty
Great tribble Hunt
Hellow, Hal, do you read me Hal?
Got Juice?
Domionion War
m-5 battle
Did you hear that they had to cancel the lepers' hockey game?
Yeah, there was a face off in the corner.
Here's one for Blue Berry, courtesy of Mrs. ScottN's Readers Digest.
Quote:
"I am a Yankees fan," a first-grade teacher explains to her class. "Who likes the Yankees?"
Everyone raises their hand except one little girl.
"Janie," the teacher says, surprised. "Why didn't you raise your hand?"
"I'm not a Yankees fan."
"Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?"
"The Red Sox," Janie answers.
"Why in the world are you a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are Red Sox fans."
"That's no reason to be a Red Sox fan," the teacher replies, annoyed. "You don't have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?"
"A Yankees fan."
There was a Daddy Balloon, a Mummy balloon and a Baby balloon.
One night they were getting ready for bed and Baby balloon wanted to sleep in his mummy and daddy's bed.
Daddy Balloon said "You are too old to sleep in our bed. It is time you started sleeping in your own bed. So off you go."
Sadly Baby balloon trooped off to his own bed. (AAAAAHHHHHH).
Later that night he crept into his parents’ room and tried to climb in with them.
But there was not enough room.
So very carefully he reached down and let a little air out of his Daddy.
He tried to get in but there was still not enough room.
So he reached down and let a little air out of his Mummy.
He tried again to climb in, but there still was not quite enough room.
So he reached down and let out a little of his own air.
He climbed back into the bed and fitted in perfectly between his parents. He was soon fast asleep.
In the morning when Daddy balloon woke up he was very very cross.
He turned to Baby balloon and said, "I told you that you are too old now to sleep in our bed and you have disobeyed me".
"You have let me down, you have let your mother down and worst of all you have let yourself down!"
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson and Commander Riker?
Frakes On A Plane
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson and Tim Allen
Rakes On A Plane (Tool Time, remember?)
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson, Joe Penny and Marley's Ghost?
Jakes On A Plane
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson and Betty Crocker?
Cakes On A Plane
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson and Milli Vanilli?
Fakes On A Plane
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson and an Irish funeral home director?
Wakes On A Plane
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson and Dracula?
Stakes On A Plane
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson and a bunch of male ducks?
Drakes On A Plane
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson and some noncommital people?
Flakes On A Plane
What's the new horror film starring Samuel A. Jackson, Eric Idle, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Graham Chapman (yes, I know he's dead; work with me here)?
Pythons On A Plane
What's a Bolian's favorite Earth musical act?
Blue Man Group.
"Walmart decided against putting shops in Iraq because there were too many Targets." ~Unknown
"The four phases of SimCity: Sim Frustration, Sim Success, Sim Boredom, Sim Genocide." ~Unkown
(someone sent these to me but the authors are unknown unfortunately...)
What's got 5 fingers and drives a tractor?
A farm-hand.
Polls, about a year and a half ago I saw a joke that was similar to yours about Wal-Mart and Target but I forget exactly how it went. Something about converting Wal-Marts into Targets, IIRC.
What actor is always covered by Workman's Comp insurance?
Ben AFLAC!
Silly Scott! You double posted! Well, easily taken care of.
Doh!
Polls, there's an old joke amongst defense contractors.
What's the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer?
ME's build weapons. CivE's build targets.
I've used that joke at school... it didn't fly that well when I told it to the chair of the civil dept, the humor sort of collapsed in on itself... 
Another joke I've used is similar to the comment in the movie "Big" whats so fun about playing with a building... but my comment was what's so fun about playing with rubble.
Why is Neville watching Woodstock, in the Omega Man?
There is nothing else playing in L. A.!
What do you call a candy factory staffed with underpaid illegal immigrants?
A Sweet Shop Sweat Shop
In the store I saw for sale an extended version DVD of The Lion, the Witch & The Wardrobe, so I was telling people it was "The Lion, The Witch, The Wardrobe & The Cupboard Down The Hall".
Why are Berman & Braga banned from appearing before network cameras?
You cannot show boobs on TV
Comic Book Fan: I hear Steve Rogers is going to open a fast food joint.
Another Fan: What's it called?
Comic Book Fan: Cap In The Box
What is the name of the lake where John A. Lang parks his boat?
Marina Sirtis
This joke is so wrong I'll just apologize for it in advance. Sorry!
Obituary notice: Singer Don Ho has passed away. He is survived by his daughter, Nappy-headed.
What's the name of the prostitution ring in Hawaii?
Don's Ho's
The assassination of the Rooster was found to be a COOP d’Etat
================================================
The assassination of K.I.T.T was found to be a COUPE d’Etat
Who supplies electricity for China?
Commie Ed
Oldie and a baddie...
Why couldn't the pirate kid see that latest movie?
It was rated ARRRRR!
Ducks and runs
Even older...
How do bachelors know when their food is done cooking?
The smoke detector goes off.
A fish comes into a bar and the bartender asks what he'll have.
The fish answers, "Water!"
So this pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Wow, that's really cool! Where'd you get it?"
And the parrot says, "The Caribbean."
A piece of rope comes into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't give drinks to pieces of rope". Therefore, the rope goes outside and unravels his fibers and messes them up. Then he ties himself up using those same fibers and re-enters the bar. The bartender asks, "Aren't you a piece of rope?" The rope replies, "No...I'm a frayed knot."
(I'm afraid not)
Phil Farrand: Weatherman
"Sun, wind and rain."
NEW...British Toilet Paper:
London Derrier
Michael Vick pleaded guilty to transporting dogs across state lines.
Apparently he violated the Mann's Best Friend Act.
At Kohl's, an old woman is arrested for walking around the store in her underwear. The policeman asked her, "Ma'am? Why did you do it?"
The old lady said, "The sign said, 'Senior Citizens Take 15% off!'"
(There is a current flyer in the paper that says just that!)
Santa (To elves) Make those toys and get the lead out.
Elf: How do you mean that?
A friend of mine I used to work with sent me this one:
A man riding his Harley was rolling along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Going wa-a-ay back to the He's Dead thread, my nephew just came up with this one:
Expendable Crewman Doughboy: He's toast, Jim.
You know you're a moron if you need a GPS system to find the GPS system inside your car.
Q: What did the Irish porn star say?
A: Erin go bragh-less
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
A: People take off their shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
Q: Ever hear someone say, "Hey, there's that mansion where that famous banjo player lives?"
A: No, and you never will
Did you hear about the banjo that was so far out of tune, even the banjo player noticed it?
Q: What do you call a banjo player with a pager?
A: An optimist
Q: When you drop an accordion and a banjo off of a skyscraper, which hits the ground first?
A: Who cares?
The accordian lands first. The banjo ends up in Alabama on someone's knee...
A local church needed painting. A painting contractor signed up to do the job. However, he decided to thin down the paint with turpentine so he would have to come back and repaint the church and exploit the pastor for more money.
So, later that week, when the painter is on the scaffold, a lightning bolt nearly hits him by knocking him off of the scaffolding.
Suddenly, a voice from above said:
"REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To fix the potholes.
(KFC is fixing potholes in Kentucky...provided that they can paint the KFC logo on it)
A couple of jokes that I read somewhere else. I'll post the other this afternoon.
Bob decided to build a new barbecue pit. After drawing up the plans, he determined the exact materials he would need. This included exactly ninety-nine bricks.
He went to the hardware store and started to buy the materials. He then went to order the ninety-nine bricks, but was told they were only sold in groups of ten. Figuring he might need an extra brick anyway, he ordered the hundred bricks.
Bob then went to build his barbecue pit. When he was finished, he still had the extra brick. He called the hardware store and asked what he should do with the extra. The store manager told him they couldn't accept the return, but since he owned the brick now, he could do anything he wanted with it.
Bob didn't have any other construction projects needing a brick and he couldn't think of a reason why a friend would want one, so he did the only thing he could think to do and threw it away...straight up.
Are [slightly off-color] Michael Jackson jokes acceptable?
Speaking of off-color, there was the musician who played "Rhapsody in Green"
And here's the other joke I mentioned.
Mary was taking a short flight on a plane. She brought her dog, but didn't have time to make arrangements for his transport. Luckily, the airline allowed her to let the dog sit with her.
In the middle of the flight, the man they were sitting with lit a cigar. Mary turned to the man and said "Uh, sir? You're not allowed to do that."
"So, you're not allowed to have that dog." he replied.
"I'm serious." said Mary. "There are other people on this flight who will be annoyed with that cigar. I think you should just throw it out the window."
"How does this sound?" asked the man. "I'll throw this cigar out the window if you throw that dog out the window."
Mary was taken aback by his request. She looked to her dog and said "Sorry, just like we arranged, okay?" She then openned the window and let the dog jump out.
Everyone else on the plane was shocked, especially the man next to her. But he had agreed to this and was forced to go along with it. He then tossed his cigar out of the window.
That was when Mary revealed that she still had a hold on the dog's leash. She then pulled on the leash until the dog was back at the window, then reached out and picked him up.
But when she brought him back inside, she was surprised to discover in his mouth...
...was Bob's brick.
And you thought the two jokes were unrelated, didn't you?
ScottN - Are [slightly off-color] Michael Jackson jokes acceptable?
Is that a comment on his skin condition? ;-)
Well, I did post a tacky joke on the Things You'd Never Hear On... board & I drew this cartoon so...
No, but they were tacky like the running kids...
On second thought, I won't post 'em, because Phil probably wouldn't like it.
In a similar vein...
Q: What has 8 legs and doesn't scare small children?
A: The Jackson Four
What do you call a crooner with flashy jewelry?
Bling Crosby
Menu item: Tiger Woods Club Sandwich
I read this as a (supposedly) true story in Reader's Digest. I'm posting it here for obvious reasons if you live in upstate New York:
A college professor was teaching a class when it started to snow. The students took note of the snowfall, especially an Indian exchange student named Raj.
"Is that snow?" asked Raj.
"Yes, it is." said the professor.
"This is the first time I've seen snow." said Raj. "To commemorate this occasion, I think I'll write a poem about snow."
The class continued and the students went home at the end of the day. The following morning, the professor discovered they had received six inches of snow.
As the professor was walking to class, he passed Raj in front of his house shoveling snow. The professor asked "How's the poem coming?"
"I gave it a start." said Raj. "After I hit a small case of writer's block, I realized I had to shovel some snow off of my front walk. I'll try to continue after class."
The professor went to class and went home at the end of the day. The following morning, he woke up to see that more snow had fallen.
On his way to class, the professor passed Raj shoveling his front walk again. "How's the poem coming?" asked the professor.
"I didn't get a chance to work on it last night." said Raj. "I was planning on working on it this morning, but I had more snow to shovel."
The professor went to class and went home at the end of the day. The following morning, he woke up to discover that even more snow had fallen.
He went to class and passed Raj shoveling his front walk again. "How's the poem coming?" asked the professor.
"I added a line last night." said Raj. "Then I got into my homework and put the rest aside for today. But then, I discovered I had to do more shoveling."
The professor went to class and went home at the end of the day. The next morning, he discovered that even more snow had fallen.
He went to class and passed Raj shoveling his front walk again. Before the professor could say anything, Raj said "Today, I tore up my poem."
Toyota's new corporate slogan.
Toyota: Moving Forward (whether you want to or not).
Toyota's new corporate slogan.
"Give us a brake!"
WARNING: POLITICALLY INCORRECT
San Francisco has seen a dramatic uptick in gang activity, mostly due to drive-by fashion insults.
Oh, Snap!
The first mate on a ship of the King's navy ran into the captain's office and yelled "We've spotted an enemy vessel! They've engaged us!"
"Now is not the time to panic." said the captain. "Have the men at the ready to attack when the vessel gets within range. Oh, and bring me my red jacket."
"Your red jacket, sir?" asked the first mate.
"Yes, go." said the captain.
The first mate brought the captain his red jacket after passing on his orders to the men. The enemy vessel attacked and the King's ship fought back. The King's ship sustained heavy casualties, but won the exchange. The captain gave his red jacket back to his first mate and gave a speech congratulating his men.
His first mate returned and said "That was quite a tough battle, captain. But one thing confuses me. Why did you ask for your red jacket?"
"Well, in any sea battle, there's a chance for boarders." said the captain. "If that happens, melee combat is inevitable and blood is sure to fly. If you get blood on a blue jacket, it will be immediately visible and unpresentable. But if you get blood on a red jacket, it will blend in and not be noticed."
"Oh, that makes sense." said the first mate.
"Captain!" yelled the lookout. "I've just spotted ten more enemy vessels! Each one is larger than the one we just fought!"
A look of angst crossed the captain's face.
"Shall I bring you your red jacket, sir?" asked the first mate.
"No." said the captain. "Bring my brown pants."
Q: What were Noah Webster's last words?
A: Zymosis, zymotic, and zymurgy.
Is the CEO of Westinghouse called a refrigerator magnate?
I realized the other day, that "The Wizard of Oz" was one of the first zombie movies. The Scarecrow was looking for ... BRAINS.....
From Yahoo:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
I must have seen a hundred versions of that joke 
Yeah, but I liked it anyway. Here's another (probably old) one I really like:
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears.
'Yes, I do,' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'
Benny Hill did a sketch with that one.
It's prom time and Kevin asks his girlfriend to go with him. Afterwards, he goes home and tells his parents. His father points out that he needs to get a tuxedo and a corsage.
So, Kevin goes to the tuxedo shop only to find his classmates have gotten there first and there's now a line. After waiting and waiting in the tuxedo line, Kevin finally gets into the shop and rents a tux.
After that, Kevin goes to the floral shop for the corsage and finds his classmates have gotten there before him as well. Now, he has to wait again. After waiting in the corsage line, he finally is able to acquire one.
After that, he tells his friends he's finished preparing for the prom, but his friends tell him they want to rent a limo for the prom and they ask him to book it. So, Kevin goes to the limo agency and finds that his classmates have had the same idea. Now, he waits and waits in the limo line and eventually is able to rent a limo.
Finally, it's prom night. Kevin dresses up in his tux, gets into the limo, picks up his friends and their dates, presents the corsage, and goes to the prom. After dancing for a while, Kevin's date tells him she's thirsty and asks him to get her some punch. So, Kevin goes to the refreshment table.
And there's no punch line.
A bear and a rabbit in the woods
The bear has a poo and asks the rabbit ‘do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?’
The rabbit said ‘no’
So the bear wiped his bum with the rabbit.
Thank you Eddie Murphy, circa 1982...
Got my absentee ballot and at the bottom of the page it said, 'Remember! Vote both sides'.
I said, "Hey! I'll vote for whichever side I want to win!"
Ba-dum-bum!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, don’t know what they did up there but now they’ve got a daughter.
Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead .........It came with her to school next day between two bits of bread.
Mary had a little lamb... and also some mint jelly.
Did you hear that the LEGO(r) store reopened after being closed due to COVID? It was a huge event. People were lined up for blocks...
Groan.
How does one giraffe find another giraffe in the long grass?..........delightful
What do you get when a kangaroo and sheep are crossed...
A wool jumper.
what’s blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool? A baby with its floaties slashed
That last one is dark, egad!
what's a wock? A thing you throw at a wabbit....
Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the clutch.
Did you hear about the lepers' hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.
[OK, that one was definitely in bad taste]
From the seventies:
How will Canada solve its separatist problem?
Boiled frogs.
Ribbit
I’ve got a few books if anyone wants them
Rusty bed springs by I P Knightly
Bubbles in the bath by Ivor Windybottom
Running to catch a bus by Willy Makeit published by Betty Won’t
Falling off a cliff by Ilene Dover
Let me know
What's green, has six wheels and five windows?
Grass. (I lied about the wheels and windows!)
A man goes in for a job interview, and it's going fairly well until the interviewer asks him,
"Tell me what you think your strengths and weaknesses are?"
The man replies, "Well, I'd say my main weakness is not being able to separate fact from fiction. I'm a bit of daydreamer."
"And what is your strength?" asked the interviewer.
"I'm Batman."
Two friends are talking about a blackout in the city the previous night.
The first guy says, "Oh, man, without power, I had no access to anything I like to do! No internet, no video games, no TV, no radio, no power for my workshop in my garage, no way to read the Sports section of the newspaper, and no power at the bowling alley, or the bar next door to it, so I couldn't hang out with the guys, either."
The second guy asks, "So what did you do?"
The first guy shrugs his shoulders and tells him, "I talked to my wife for a couple hours. She seems like a nice person."
Have you heard about Waldheim's Disease?
It's when you get old and forget you were a Nazi.
The President is flying in Air Force One, and opens a window. Then he pulls out his wallet and a nice, crisp $100 bill.
The Vice-President asks him, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The President replies, "I'm going to drop this hundred dollar bill out the window and make somebody happy."
The Vice-President suggests, "Why not drop ten $100 bills out the window and make 10 people happy?"
The President's wife then suggests, "Why not throw a hundred $100 bills out the window? You can then make a hundred people happy?"
The Speaker of the House, sitting behind the President's seat sneers, "Why don't you just throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?!"
Let me tell u bout a story bout a man named jed
Didn’t have no toilet so went around the shed
Didn’t have no paper so he wiped it on the grass
And up can granny and shot him up the arse
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...Don’t sing!
quote:You're a daycare worker, watching over toddlers, when the imminent end of the world is announced. It becomes increasingly clear none of the kids' parents are going to show up as the end inches nearer.
FUNERAL ANNOUNCEMENT
Hello it is with deepest heartfelt condolences that I inform you about the death of our beloved friend and well known Mrs. 2020. She is survived by her 12 husbands , 52 children and 365 grand children. The funeral arrangements will take place on Thursday December 31st at 11: 59 pm. For more information contact Pastor January at phone number 01 01 2021
However, 2020 asked me to inform you that she died with ALL your problems, sickness, disappointment, frustration, untimely death, shame, disgrace, discouragement, failure, pain and rejection.
Her successor - Mrs. 2021 asked me to inform you that she is going to compensate you with: Long life, good health, abundant blessings, peace, joy, righteousness, promotion, uplifting, breakthrough, supernatural miracles, wealth and prosperity.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Dear user,
We appreciate your effort working on our "Game of Thrones" wiki, but we'd like to ask you to put the information you submit in the right place. For example, you listed Ned Stark's cause of death as "played by Sean Bean".
quote:I was a mobile D.J. playing music for the cocktail hour of a wedding reception. I just finished playing "Girl From Ipanema." Immediately, someone came up to the D.J. table and asked, "Could you play 'Girl from Ipanema?'"
"Uh, yeah, sure.”
What would you title a crossover story between The Wild Wild West, Friends, Black Lighting and The Man From U.N.C.L.E.?
Night Of The One With The Book Of Dossier
Try saying beer can without sounding like a Jamaican saying bacon.
What is the point of reincarnation if you just come back as a tin of condensed milk?
What genre of music is the National Anthem?
v
v
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v
v
v
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Country music!
Remember the Star Trek episode, 'Spectre of the Gun', where the landing party found themselves in the Old West and had to learn how to use six-shooters instead phasers?
It's a good thing they weren't sent back to the Dark Ages, because that would be where no man had guns before.
So, In surgery for a heart attack, Helen has a vision of God by her bedside.
“Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it.
So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God.
“You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs and replies, “I didn’t recognize you.”
Dear Mr. Stone,
We regret to decline your kind offer of donating blood.
I always take a shortcut home from the barbers.
Just a thought.
If Apple made a car.
Would it have Windows?.
Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales,
Llysthwycyyrigridarbrewthh...
Sorry, hair in my mouth. I went to Swansea.
Salesman asked me if I had considered changing my energy supplier.
Told him I was quite happy with food.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Me:Vodka and coke please.
Barman:Will Pepsi do instead?
Me:Yeah that’s fine.
Barman:There you go, Pepsi and Coke!
Comic Sans walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your type!"
The pole vault champion of North Korea has just become the pole vault champion of South Korea.
One year ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart.... my best friend..and the most beautiful girl I've ever met to marry me........
All 3 said no
I saw an ironic vegan today. He was wearing a big mac.
(I’m punning on the mackintosh coat)
I saw a Greek play about a very fat king.
It was called “Adipose Rex”.
Reading my horoscope.
It says I'm an independent thinker.
I don't believe in horoscopes.
But then I'm a Libra and we're very skeptical about such things.
If a husband makes a sound but there is no wife to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why don't elephants have to have their trunks x-rayed when they go through airport security ? One rule for elephants and another for the rest of us.
I don't get it.
No, no joke, I don't get it. =8/
A man walks into a bar with a Mallard duck draped over his head, it's wings hanging over the man's ears. This garners stares from the other patrons, as the man sits down.
"Wow, that's weird! Where'd you get that?" asks the bartender.
"Outside!" says the duck. "There're thousands of them!"
I'm sick of these posters that say, "Missing: Have you seen this person?" with a telephone number underneath.
It's costing me a fortune to call them and say, "No, I haven't."
Another dated joke.
These days such notices are done by Social Media (Facebook and Twitter).
My liquid diet is going really well. After 6 glasses of wine I don't care how fat I am.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings then put money in a coin-operated telescope to look at things on the ground?
If they squeeze olives to get Olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
In the 1980s, I was under 10 years old, unemployed & broke. The struggle was real.
Things that make you say, "Hmmm...";
If eggs come from chicken, why don't eggs taste like chicken? Hmmmm...
In the 1980s, I was under 10 years old, unemployed & broke. The struggle was real.
I don't get it.
Daddy bear: "My porridge is too hot."
Mummy bear: "My porridge is too cold."
Baby bear: "Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?"
What's the difference between a smoker and Kermit the Frog?
A smoker craves a cig in the pack.
Tim, I think Natalie means that she didn't have a job at age 10 (like most of us) and didn't have an allowance, therefore she was broke.
The irony is that we were ALL broke at age 10, more or less, let alone have a bank account. Mom and Dad were the bank account.
she didn't have a job at age 10 (like most of us)
Unless you live in a country with a Nike manufacturer. *Bah dum bump*
I wonder what
‘DON’T TOUCH’
is in Braille.
The thought of Shatner’s girdle breaking and flinging itself into the sky with considerable force keeps our planet safe…
…that and his awful acting.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ah
Ah-who?
Werewolves of London!
Why are vegan farmers always so tired?
They have to get up at 4am to milk the soy beans.
My father was a pirate and extremely cheap.
He made me walk the plank...because we couldn't afford a dog.
If tomatoes are a type of fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?
Did you know that for centuries we've had Artificial Intelligence that talks to us?
Every time you look at a clock it tells you what time it is!
How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern?
With a Pumpkin Patch!