Neon Genesis Evangelion
Charlie Brown: Grow a spine, Shinji!
Misato: I don't drink... alcohol!
Seventeeth Angel: Kill me and I'll only become more powerful!
The Westboro Church:
We are sorry for all the nasty things we said about homosexuals.
Doctor Strange movie by Disney
Ancient One replaced by Yensid.
The Dread Dormammu wearing Micky Mouse ears.
Dr. Strange being clean-shaven because of Disney's No Facial Hair rule.
commercial
"Can switching to Geico save you 15% or more on car insurance? Do we have way too many mascots?"
To Kill A Mockingbird
Atticus Finch: Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!
Instead of wasting your time clicking links for depraved, explicit & nasty pictures of drug addicted Hollywood bimbos find a nice person to settle down with.
Covert Affairs
Joan: Annie, your next mission is to protect a moose and squirrel.
Annie: AGAIN?????
Piper Perabo starred in the Rocky & Bullwinkle movie
Not mine, but I thought it was amusing.
Scooby Doo
---
Now for mine.
Lassie
Timmy's Mom: What's that? Timmy's stuck in the well?
Timmy's Dad: We don't have a well around here.
Timmy's Mom: No dear, it's a metaphor. Like when we say your uncle Bill "fell off the wagon again". It means Timmy's hopped up on goofballs.
Oddly enough Timmy never actually fell into a well in any episode of the series, so that "Timmy fell into the well" actually is something You'd Never Hear On Lassie.
1968 Batman:
Commissioner Gordon: Chief O'Hara, you're a bumbling buffoon! You couldn't catch a cold much less a crook! You are FIRED!
Also Adam West Batman:
Commissionor Gordon: You know Barbara-a single mother should spend more time with her children.(In the second season it is clearly stated that he has grandchildren, yet in the third it is also clearly stated that single Barbara is an only child, all I can say is oops!!!!)
'60s Batman TV show
Gordon: Barbara's an only child.
Batman: But what about your son, Tony?
Gordon: Dr. Retcon got him!
Robin: Holy dead butlers!
---
Gordon: Chief O'Hara, I'm replacing you with Inspector Henderson from Metropolis!
---
Gordon: Chief O'Hara, I'm replacing you with Lassie!
O'Hara: Faith & begorra, he can't even keep Timmy out of the well!
---
Gordon: Chief O'Hara, I'm firing you!
O'Hara: How can you do that after all my years of loyal service?
Gordon: Frankly my dear, I don't give a d@mn!
O'Hara: Oh, well, tomorrow is another day!
---
Gordon: Chief O'Hara, I'm firing you!
O'Hara: How can you do that after I arrested that squad of cordon bleu chefs?
Gordon: Your job is to arrest CROOKS not COOKS!
---
Gordon: The Joker's escaped from Arkham Asylum again!
---
Riddler: Riddle me this, caped cru...
SFX: Bang!
Batman (holding a smoking gun): Sometimes, the old ways are best.
Amr:I don't like the 74s tm.
Hello? Anyone listening?
Mod, dont delete this yet.
..sigh...
'60's Batman
Commissioner Gordon: Good news, Batman...Dick Grayson's Aunt Harriet nabbed the Joker.
From Cause and Effects tng,with a little Monty Python mixed in
-------------------------------
Picard: Kabooom!
Data: But That is my only line!
Dr. Crusher: I had this dream before! (Kaboom)
Laforge: Kaboooooom! (That's my only line this episode!
En Ro:I'm gonna die in 74.1 days! (Kabooom)
Data: But this is my only line!!!!
Picard: Kabooooommmmmm!
Data: The Number 3 seems to be.... (Kabooom!)
Cpt of the Uss Bozeman: Kabooooom!
All: But this is my only line! (Kabooooom!)
BLEECCHH! That was painfully unfunny. As the cliche goes, don't quit your day job, Sparky.
Sigh
Hawaii Five-O
Wo Fat: Now, Commander McGarret, I say unto you in the words of my uncle... Allez Cuisine!!!
Lassie
Lassie! What's that, girl? Timmy's stuck in a well? Again? That little dumb**** gets stuck in a ******* well every ****** week! Just let him rot there!
Lassie
Timmy's Mom: what's that, girl? We're all struck in a well & what we think we see is just shadows on the wall?
Keith --
I'm guessing that your version of Lassie has broad shoulders that look like dinner plates, and a nickname that reflects that claim.
(obscure trivia: Greek Philosophers division)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1442437/
MODERN FAMILY
Jay: I to organize want an away team to meet the new neighbors.
Gloria: I'll assign Dylan to lead the team.
Claire: That would be highly illogical.
Luke: Hey, everybody, I just fixed the circuit breakers by repolarizing the verteron cells and reinitializing the feinberg transtators!
Claire: Fascinating.
Phil: What if the new neighbors try to hold Dylan hostage in exchange for weapons?
Dylan: I'll just give them the Vulcan neck pinch.
Gloria: Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Cameron: Personal log, date 1104.2292: I'm negotiating a new treaty with Mitchell regarding cultural exchanges.
Mitchell: Personal log, date 1104:2292. I've decoded Cameron's personal logs! Woo hoo!
Phil: Gan tan nu i ka tan ru.
Alex: (singing) I'll be back, though it take forever...
ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT
Live from Stockholm, the 2011 Nobel Awards!
Lassie
Lassie: Woof! Woof!
Timmy's mom: What's that, girl? Timmy's stuck in a well? Well let's go drop rocks on him & laugh!
---
Lassie: Woof! Woof!
Subtitle: I'm hungry!
Lassie's mom: What's that, girl? Timmy's stuck in a well? We'd better get help!
Lassie: Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Subtitle: Where you going? I'm still hungry!
---
Lassie: Woof! Woof!
Lassie's mom: What's that, girl? Jimmy's stuck in a well? Who's Jimmy?
Lassie: Woof! Woof!
Lassie's mom: Jimmy Olsen? Oh, he's Superman's problem!
---
Lassie: Meow!
I Get That A Lot
bank robber: This is a robbery! Everybody down on the floor!
victim: Aren't you Tom Hanks?
bank robber: I get that a lot.
Batman
(After the Wayne's have been killed)
Reporter: Other than that, Bruce, how was the movie?
All I can say here is--you have more faith in the tact of reporters than I do Keith.
No, that's my faith in the writers of Batman. ;-)
I have no faith in real life reporters being tactful, smart, or even ethical.
The Man With the Golden Gun
James Bond flies to Scaramanga's island.
Nick Nack: Boss! De plane! De plane!
Coming soon, the hilarious sequel to The Men Who Stare At Goats. The army's psychic soldier program continues and a stunning breakthrough is made when it's discovered that major advances in psychic ability occur when watching certain music videos. "Somebody That I Used To Know" is discovered to be particularly effective in...The Men Who Stare At Gotye.
Speed Racer
Speed: I would have won, but the weight of Spritle & Chim-Chim in the trunk slowed me down!
Inspector Detector: I have arrested Trixie for drug abuse!
Pops: What?!?
Inspector Detector: Yes, she was doing Speed.
Friday The 13 movie
Jason (with chainsaw): Mistletain kick!
The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
Haruhi: You know, I've really underestimated normal people. To heck with trying to find aliens, time travelers and espers!
The Legend Of Zelda
"Thank you, Link. But our princess is in another castle."
Golden Age Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman: Let's just kill 'em all and let the gods decide!
Modern Age Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman: Behead someone? But I believe in stopping people with a minimum of violence and making them understand the error of their ways!
A Seance
Medium: I have summoned the ghost of John F. Kennedy.
Client: President Kennedy, is there anything you regretted not doing?
Ghost of Kennedy: I, uh, I regret not seeing this Doctor Who all the young spirits are talking about.
James Bond
James turns to shoot the camera and a "BANG" flag pops out.
James turns to shoot the camera and hits it with a paintball.
James turns to shoot the camera and hits it with a NERF dart.
James turns to shoot the camera and sprays it with water.
James turns to shoot the camera. "Click"
James Bond
James turns to shoot the camera and the camera shoots first, killing Bond.
James turns to shoot the camera and says, "In all the excitement I forgot if I fired 6 shots or 5, do you feel lucky, punk?"
James turns to shoot the camera and he doesn't have a gun, just pretending his hand is a gun. "Bang! Bang!"
James turns, fires a warning shot in the air and dead birds fall from the sky.
Batman vs Superman
Batman appears on screen, Superman superspeeds up behind him and snaps Batman's neck.
Superman: Next!
Shot of the rest of the Justice League standing in a line each waiting their turn.
Two And A Half Men
Alan Harper: I'm gonna get a job, stop mooching off Walden, and get my own place.
Two Broke Girls
Anything remotely funny. ;-)
Jughead: Hamburgers? Yuck! Bring on the spinach.
Archie: Man, I'm done with that skank, Veronica.
Reggie: I'm giving up my old ways and becoming a priest.
Moose: E=MC2
Midge: I get off on watching Moosie beat the living cr*p out of guys that hit on me.
Betty: I'm deciding to go into the porn industry.
Mr. Weatherbee: How come none of our students has graduated for 73 years (Archie started in 1941)?
Archie: Kevin's hot!
Reggie: Hands off! He's mine!
Kevin: Sorry, guys, but I'm dating Betty!
Mr. Weatherbee: How come none of our students have graduated for 73 years?
Miss Grundy: What do I care? I'm union!
NCIS
Gibbs: Hail Hydra!
The Indianapolis 500
The winner takes his sip of milk and spits it out.
winner: This milk's gone bad.
1966 Iron-man
Pepper: Mr. Stark, Major Talbot is here to see you.
Talbot: Mr. Stark?
Stark: I'm Tony Stark, what can I do for you, Major?
Talbot: Are you making fun of how I talk?
Isis (either the TV or comic book version)
Isis: Stop shooting at me! I'm the good one!
Scooby Doo/Batman team up
Batman's tied up, Fred pulls off his cowl
Shaggy: Gasp! It was old Mr. Wayne!
Batman: And I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids!
Grimm
Nick runs into a room and spots a group of Wesen.
Nick: There they are.
Hank: There who are?
Nick: Don't you see them?
Wu: See who?
Nick: There! Evil PURE AND SIMPLE by way of ancient Germany!
Fast and Furious 6
Dominic and Letty race into a roundabout and get stuck there for hours.
Dominic: This is unbelievable! I just can't make left! There's Big Ben and Parliament. Ha ha ha ha!
Last Man On Earth
We flash back to Phil working a telethon for the plague.
Host: So contribute to our cause and this epidemic might be over soon.
Phil answers the phone.
Phil: Plague telethon.
Host: Currently, our total sits at three million dollars.
Caller: Phil, it's your cousin. Your mother's been infected.
Phil: OH NO!
Host: But we should keep reaching for those high numbers.
Caller: And your uncle's taken a turn for the worse.
Phil: OH NO!
Host: Because the more money we devote to research, the better the chances of a cure.
Caller: And your neighbor's died.
Phil: OH NO!
Host: Phil, do you mind?!
Cameraman: And we're clear.
Charlie Brown's Halloween Special
Something appears in the pumpkin patch.
Linus: It's the Great Pumpkin!
Billy Corgan: Actually, we're the Smashing Pumpkins.
Actually, the Great Pumpkin really appearing would be something we'd never see as well.
Charlie Brown's Halloween Special
Sally tied to a slab, Linus standing over her with a knife
Sally: Why are you doing this?
Linus: I have to summon the Great Pumpkin!
You need to see the Robot Chicken version of "It's the Great Pumpkin", KAM.
Deadpool (2016 movie)
Deadpool: "In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might Beware my power -- Deadpool's light!"
Peanuts
Snoopy: This is Joe Hitman waiting to be hired.
Lucy: Good grief, Charlie Brown, can't you even hire a decent assassin?
Charlie Brown: *sigh*
Saw an article where a former voice actor for Charlie Brown had been arrested for hiring a hitman, and well...
Supergirl
Supergirl inhales poison gas, flies outside and releases it... just as a flock of birds come by and they all fall down dead.
Jimmy James turning into a giant turtle man.
James turning into a werewolf.
James turning into Elastic Lad.
Supergirl
Cat: I wish Supergirl never came to National City.
Cassandra Chase turns to her with a demonic face.
Cassandra: Done.
Note: If you don't get it, remember who plays Cassandra.
Wouldn't that be CAMERON Chase instead?
Yes.
Supergirl
Cat: Don't call me Streaky!
What does that refer to?
Streaky the super-cat. *ducks from the thrown tomatoes*
Supergirl
Cat: Why does everyone keep calling me "Ally McBeal"?
Downy commercial
Announcer: What if we told you these sheets were washed seven days ago?
The guy holding the sheets drops them and starts wiping off his fingers on his shirt.
Tarzan
(Tarzan and Jane kissing when suddenly laughter fills the air)
Jane: Oh, no! He's found me!
Tarzan: What matter?
Jane: Before I came to Africa, I lived in Gotham under the name Harley Quinn...
I found out the actress playing Jane in the upcoming Tarzan movie also plays Harley Quinn in the upcoming Suicide Squad.
Jurassic World
Owen: So, it appears that the dinosaurs are breaking out of their pens and running amok. This looks like a job for...(quickly dons sunglasses) Burt Macklin, FBI.
Star Wars: Han Solo now that Donald Glover has been cast as Lando:
Han: Lando, where are you? Bring my spaceship back!
Lando: Uh, we appear to be forty light years outside the Buttermilk Nebula. Although I think that...(picks at the navigation screen and peels it) Yeah, it's a sticker.
Han: Do you happen to have a better plan?
Lando: I do happen. I happen very much.
Han and Lando shake hands by patting their right hands together while patting their chests with their left.
Any House renovation program...
Man buying house..."There's a dead body underneath the concrete in the basement
Crest White Strips commercial
woman: My teeth are so yellow. What do you use to whiten your teeth?
Richard Hammond: I have NOT had my teeth whitened!
American Ninja Warrior
Announcer: Now taking to the course...Mario!
Room 222
Student from Room 221: What's going on next door that has everyone so enraptured with awe?
1966 Batman
Gordon: Why does my credit card bill have a listing for a $5,000 motorcycle, a $20.00 wig, and $100 for cloth material?
Barbara: Don't ask me.
Gordon: I AM ASKING YOU!
Barbara: Gulp!
Frozen
Elsa freezes the landscape.
Voice from the sky: Sub-Zero wins.
Cable commercial
Technician: Here at (Cable provider), we work around the clock maintaining your service so you can do your online activities whenever you want. So, you can browse the web, chat with a friend, or write that important email.
cut to...
User(typing): Dear (Cable provider), you are the worst cable provider ever. My service went out after a tree fell on the line and it took you two hours to get it back up. I expect better from you.
The Guardians of the Galaxy/Holy Grail crossover you never knew you wanted.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. What...is your name?
Groot: I am Groot.
Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?
Groot: I am Groot.
Bridgekeeper: What...is the capital of Assyria?
Groot: I am Groot.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
The Bible
In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth in 4 days, so he could take a nice three-day weekend.
Geico commercial
Announcer: If you're Boys To Men you must be pretty desperate to do this cheesy commercial.
The Blacklist
Reddington: The man you are looking for is on my list. His name is Earl Hickey.
Later...
Elizabeth: You were identified by Raymond Reddington.
Earl: Really? I made this list and he happens to be on it. See? "Number 128: Crossed a crime lord."
The Terminator
Kyle: The T-800 was crushed in the hydraulic press when Sarah hit the button. It was taken from the hydraulic press and delivered somewhere else. And that, John, is how I met your mother.
Music: Ba ba ba ba...
The Fast and the Furious 10
Dominic: I can remember when this film series was about street racing.
Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar
Phone caller: Hello, Johnny, this is Bob Johnson of Dominoes. We think someone is abusing our pizza insurance policy.
Veronica Mars
Veronica discovers the identity of Lily's killer.
Veronica: Holy mother-forking shirt balls!
Ready Player One
Wade: There's going to be a massive battle in the OASIS.
Liam and Noel Gallagher: So what else is new?
Guardians Of The Galaxy 3
Starlord: While on Earth recently I found a site called Twitter. Wanna hear these jokes from James Gunn?
Jurassic World
Owen: Okay, Indominus rex, I'm challenging you to a dance off!
Spider-Man: Far From Home (Contains Spoiler for Infinity War! Highlight to read.}
Theme song: Spider-Dust, Spider-Dust, he can do what a spider must...
And the whole movie is how Peter still saves the day after being reduced to dust in Infinity War. ;-)
Ahem, some of us haven't seen "Infinity War" yet.
Sorry.
I haven't seen it either, but I've seen so many references, and YouTube videos about it I didn't realize it was avoidable.
Superman
Clark: Oh, I got something on my glasses. I guess I'll clean them.
He takes them off to clean them
Lois: WHAT THE F...
Peanuts
Linus: The Great Pumpkin has been bought out by the Great Apple???
Snoopy: This is Joe Apple on his way to tech support.
Charlie Brown: I have to use a Windows PC? Good grief!
WWI Flying Ace: Curse you Steve Jobs!
"In today's news, a local escape room is suing the mercenary group known as The A-Team for damages to one of their facilities. The suit alleges that the group rented one of the company's escape rooms, but instead of solving the puzzles, the group jury rigged a power saw out of the furnishings and cut through the door. More at eleven."
Headlines We'll Never See
Rock Band Refuses to Trash Hotel Room
Hot Dog Bites Man
Trump Goes Whole Day Without Tweeting
News
A team of reindeer and sleigh jackknifed on the interstate, spreading toys all over the place. Police arrested the driver for operating a vehicle without a license, and not having proper identification, they are also looking into his claims of having made the toys himself.
Avengers Endgame
(Captain America and Iron Man travel to the past. They walk into a bar and see Wolverine.)
Captain America: Logan!
Iron Man: We need you!
Wolverine: Go [bleep] yourselves!
(Captain America and Iron Man travel to Hogwarts.)
Harry Potter: Who are you?
Captain America: We're from the Avengers.
Iron Man: We're short a wizard, ever thought about being a superhero?
(Captain America and Iron Man travel to the DC Universe.)
Captain America: We really need your help!
Batman '66: Of course, old chum. I'll challenge this Thanos to a dance off and beat him with the Batusi!
Iron Man: Told ya this was a bad idea!
Captain Marvel
Billy Batson: Shazam! (Lightning strikes and Billy turns into Carol Danvers.)
Carol Danvers: I really should talk to my cousins, Alex and Kara.
Carol Danvers: Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese on Hala?
Nick Fury: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?
Carol Danvers: Nah, man, they got the space metric system. They wouldn't know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Nick Fury: Then what do they call it?
Carol Danvers: They call it a Royale with cheese.
Nick Fury: What do they call a Whopper?
Carol Danvers: I don't know. I didn't go into Burger King on Hala.
J. K. Rowling
If I didn't include it in my story, I see no reason to tell people about it.
Avengers: Endgame
Thanos gets beaten up by Millie the Model.
;-)
Superman
Clark: This looks like a job for Superman.
(He jumps into a phone booth and it disappears.)
Bill: Dude, someone snaked our time machine.
Ted: Bogus.
Superman's Pals Bill & Ted
Bill: Dude, we've been turned into giant turtle men.
Ted: Bogus.
Bill & John Wick's Excellent Adventure
Bill: Dude, someone killed our dog!
John: *cocks gun* Bogus.
The Tick
Tick: Spoooooooooon!
British bobbies: All right, sir, put the dangerous weapon down and come along quietly!
(For those wondering British police had posted a picture of "dangerous weapons" they had confiscated and one of the items was a spoon. Yes, the Brits certainly don't want dangerous people to be stirring up trouble.)
"Stirring up trouble". That's a good one.
The Amazing Race
Phil: Teams now have to make their way to F---ing, Austria.
(Yes, there is a town in Austria by that name.)
The Little Mermaid
Ariel: But Eric, I've always been African-Atlantean. Why do you suddenly have a problem with it?
Disneyland
Security Guard: We were unable to stop that fight because we were managing the huge crowds at Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge. Really big crowd. Lots of people.
American Graffiti
Bob Falfa: This car did the Kessel Run in fourteen parsecs.
Bob Falfa: Deuce coupes. Why did it have to be deuce coupes?
John Milner: Can you race?
Bob Falfa: Race, yes! Stop, no!
Happy (belated) birthday, Mr. Ford.
Planet Of The Apes
(Instead of the Statue of Liberty, they come across a statue of Luke Skywalker)
George Taylor: Disney blew it up!
Batwoman
Vesper: Batman's disappearance was because of Russian interference!!!
(Vesper is played by so-called journalist Rachel Maddow.)
Fantasy Island
guest: My fantasy is to play with GWAR.
We see him playing with GWAR.
lead singer: You play a mean guitar. Such a shame that now you must DIE!
We see him getting eaten by a monster onstage.
Yes, I saw "Empire Records" recently.
Street Fighter
Blanka: Seeing you in action is a joke.
Guybrush Threepwood: Then seeing you in action must be a whole stand-up routine.
Twilight Zone
Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval, a young woman in a love triangle with a werewolf and a vampire who sparkles. Only in... The Twilight Zone.
;-)
Well it seems the Lines You Will Never Hear on Star Trek board has been shut down. (plays taps)
Sooo...
Star Trek Dagger Of The Mind
Kirk: What do you do in this room?
Dr. Adams: We show them cheesy movies, the worst we can find, and when they sit and watch them all we monitor their minds.
G.I. Joe
Kid 1: Let's go explore that abandoned house.
Kid 2: I don't know about that.
Snake-Eyes lands in front of them.
Kids: Snake-Eyes!
Snake-Eyes starts gesturing to them.
Kid 1: Okay, first word. Sounds like...
Final Fantasy IV
Elder: To become a Paladin, you must journey to Mount Ordeals.
Cecil: I don't like the sound of that place.
Palom: Don't worry, it's just a name.
twenty harrowing battles later...
Cecil: I thought it was just a name!
Porom: What he meant is that Mount Ordeals is a large hill.
Harry Potter
Harry: Oooh eee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang!
(Voldemort turns into a chipmunk, unable to perform magic)
Alien vs. Predator films
(Humans trapped in a corridor with a xenomorph on one side and a predator on the other)
Human: Prepare to fire!
Xenomorph: Is this because we're black?
Human: What? No, no, it's because you kill humans!
Predator: Yeah, well we only kill you humans because we're peacefully protesting you racists!
Yes, the mentally challenged are trying to claim that these two alien species represent black humans. *rolls eyes*
Peanuts movie or book title
It's Time To Put Snoopy To Sleep, Charlie Brown.
Peanuts
Charlie Brown (with a full head of hair): I'm not just a member of the Hair Club For Kids, I'm also the owner.
Lucy: No, Charlie Brown, you have to take a knee before you kick the ball.
Schroeder: Bach Lives Matter!
any given fighting game
After the fight begins, one of the background spectators calls the police and the two fighters are arrested.
Robocop
reporter: Any advice for the people at home?
Robocop: Don't be mean. We don't have to be mean because remember. Wherever you go, there you are.
Peter Weller also played Buckaroo Banzai.
Star Trek
Jack Webb: This is space. The final frontier. The story you're about to see is true only the alien race has been changed to protect the innocent.
Dragnet
William Shatner: This... is the city... the story... you are about to hear... is true... only the names... have been changed... to boldly go... where no story has gone before!
President Biden's first day in the Oval Office
Biden: What in the..? Trump peed in the chair!
Star Wars
Rey: That is just a sample of my powers.
person: Are you a god?
Rey: No, a Jedi. Not a god.
person: Then you must die!
They start firing on her and she takes cover with Finn.
Finn: Rey, next time someone asks you if you're a god, say "yes"!
911
Maddie: Sir, this is not the purpose of 911.
The Amazing Race
Phil: Teams must now head to Wakanda.
Phil: Teams must now head to Mypos.
Phil: Teams must now head to Kyrat.
Phil: Teams must now head to Panau.
Phil: Teams must now head to Arstotzka.
The Amazing Race
Phil: You will gain points for every person you run over.
Star Trek
Kirk: We've boldly gone were no man has gone before!
Spock: Captain, there's writing on that rock!
Kirk: What does it say?
Spock: Kilroy was here.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game
Leonardo: It's Shredder!
Donatello: And he's replicated himself!
Shredder: And now I have the numerical advantage to destroy you and conquer the world!
Shredder clone 1: No, you're not! I'm going to conquer the world!
Shredder clone 2: No, I'm going to conquer the world!
Shredder clone 3: I'm going to conquer the world!
Shredder: I'm the original, so I'm the one who's going to conquer the world!
Shredder clone 1: We'll see about that!
Shredder and his clones fight each other.
Raphael: So, uh, does anyone want to grab a pizza while this is going on?
Michaelangelo: Dude, you know it.
Arcades??
Those things still exist!?
Why would they not?
They not only still sell arcade machines, Tim, they sell mini-arcades that people can play on.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game
Announcer: With bonus Turtles Venus de Milo and Jennika!
In this age of the Internet, where games can be downloaded, I'd assumed that arcades had gone the way of rotary phones and analogue television.
I haven't seen an actual arcade in twenty years.
You've never been to a cineplex?
Trix commercial
Trix rabbit eats the cereal. Has an allergic reaction to something in the cereal. Swells up and dies.
Kids: Silly rabbit, that's why Trix are for kids!
Batwoman and Legends Of Tomorrow
Heroes (holding signs): Will fight crime for food!
Death Certificates
Country singer: Run over by a train while being shot at by his wife's lover... natural causes.
Comic book artist: Rubbed out.
Writer: Crushed by writer's block.
Nitpicker: An overlooked little problem.
Superman
Clark Kent (on GBS): This just in Mera of Atlantis has been found guilty of defaming Captain Jack Sparrow. When asked his opinion Aquaman said, "No comment."
Film at eleven!
News
Announcer: Today NASA crashed the DART probe into Dimorphos the moon of the asteroid Didymos in a spectacular crash. Of course, the people of Didymos declared this to be an act of war and have rallied the denizens of other asteroids into taking up arms against Earth. So good news: There is extraterrestrial life! Bad news: They don't like us very much.
Resident Evil games
Ada Wong uses her grapple gun and her arm rips off.
Ada: Ow. How unexpected.
The nuclear missile hits Raccoon City.
citizen: I've wasted my life.
A C-Virus infectee forms a chrysalis and emerges as Colin Hay from Men At Work.
Colin Hay: Do you come from a land down under? Where women glow and men plunder?
We see the video showing how the outbreak started.
Scientist: So, we've managed to create the T-Virus, which turns people into zombies. We have it in a solution that should keep it under control. Alex, can you hand me that T-Virus sample?
Alex: Sure. Think fast.
He throws the sample to the scientist and it shatters against the wall.
Godzilla movie
Godzilla: Rodan, Tokyo caught me destroying another city!
Rodan: You let her catch you?
Godzilla: What am I gonna do?
Rodan: Say it wasn't you.
Twisted Metal
We see the notice "Minion approaches". We then see a small yellow creature wearing goggles and denim overalls.
creature: Ba-na-na!
Stargate Atlantis
Weir: There's been a fundamental break in the laws of physics! The Pegasus Galaxy will be destroyed!!!
Rodney: Super easy, barely an inconvenience. Fixed.
Return of the Jedi
(Luke, Han, Leia & Chewbacca are there as Darth Vader is dying)
Vader: Luke, remove my helmet!
Luke: (takes off helmet) *gasp* It's old Mr. Skywalker!
Leia: Jinkies!
Chewbacca: Ruh roh!
Han: You got that right, Chewbie!
Winnie the Pooh
(A bag of cocaine falls out of a plane flying over the Hundred Acre Wood)
Pooh: Oh, bother. (bag breaks open hitting the ground turning him into Winnie the Cocaine Pooh Bear.)
Guardians of the Galaxy volume 3
Groot trips and falls into a woodchipper.
Rocket gets turned into a rug.
Mantis is killed by an exploding can of Raid.
Gamora is turned into a giant, flying turtle and moves to Japan.
Starlord dies and is reborn as an Italian plumber. "Hey, itsa me, Starlord!"
Gilligan's Submarine
In this special one-shot the Skipper & Gilligan are in charge of the Titan Minnow taking five passengers to see the Titanic.
Crime Scene Kitchen
contestant: There's a box from Sara Lee in the garbage.
Back To The Future 4
Doc Brown: Marty! I just learned that time travel gives you Parkinson's Disease!
Marty: Now you tell me!
Batman '66;
Batman; "Quick, Robin! To the Bat-Uber!"
Alfred to Bruce Wayne; "Sir, it's the Bat-iPhone!"
Riddler; "Riddle me this, Batman! What does a--"
Batman; "Excuse me, but you called me 'Batman'! How dare you mis-gender me!"
If Batman '66 was in 2023, Robin would need new catchphrases;
"Holy 5G Network!"
"Holy Uber Eats!"
"Holy Swiftie!"
"Holy Karen!"
"Holy climate change!"
"Holy emo-tional dam-age!"
"Holy 5G Network!"
That line's even funnier than you might realize. When AT&T took over the company that owned DC, Dan Didio dreamed up the Fifth Generation (5G) storyline as a way to kiss up to the new owners. They were not impressed and the storyline got squashed and redone as Future State.
Batman
Commissioner Gordon: This is a court order, Batman. You have to turn over all the crime evidence you've been collecting through the years. Because of your 'trophy collecting' the criminals have only been spending a few years in prison, at best!
Batman; "I had the first hybrid car before anybody else! It works on gasoline and it's nuclear-powered, as well!"
Gotham Gazette headline: Bruce Wayne Buys Twitter and Renames It Batter!
Lord of the Rings
Gandalf: None shall pass!
(Balrog slips Gandalf a fiver)
Gandalf: Very good, sir, you may pass.
Snow White remake
Evil Queen: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most obnoxious of them all?
Mirror: Although your obnoxiousness achieves great height, it is dwarfed by the one known as Snow White!
Evil Queen: What?!? Huntsman, contact Iger and have him Batgirl this film!!!
Batman 1966 TV show
Bruce & Dick slide down the wrong poles and Dick ends up wearing the Batman costume and Bruce wearing the Robin costume.
Now that would have been funny!
Grand Theft Auto V
Dave Norton: I heard about that plane crash near Sandy Shores. Did you have anything to do with that?
Trevor: Sure did! Got off Scott free!
Dave: How did you do that?
Trevor: I swam out into the Alamo Sea and waited for the cops to leave.
Dave: You swam into the Alamo Sea?
Trevor: Yeah, I did.
Dave: Do you have any idea how polluted the Alamo Sea is?
Trevor: Uh, I guess I didn't think of that.
Dave: Well, I think what you're about to go through will be punishment enough.
Godzilla vs Kong
Godzilla: But it's my only line!
Godzilla: Just stopped by to pick up my check.
Batman; "Holy chicken soup, Robin! It looks like our goose is cooked"
Robin; "Hang on, old chum! We'll get out of this trap, if I can only reach my Robin-arang!"
Robin; "We don't have a moment to spare, Batman! Let's race to the Robinmobile!"
Robin (on the Robin-phone); "We'll be there ASAP, Commissioner! (Hangs up) Let's go, Bruce...to the Robin-poles!
Alfred: Sir, it's the Robin signal!
Barbara Gordon: Now to switch to my secret identity... Robingirl!
Crooks: Look it's Robin and Batman!
Robin: Let's dance the Robintusi.
Kitchen Nightmares
Gordon Ramsey: And also these cans of tomato sauce! Why are all of these...wait, why are there thousands of dollars hidden in these cans?
Star Trek The Omega Syndrome
McCoy (scanning one of the crewmembers reduced to powder): My god, this man has been reduced to pumpkin spice!
Dune
Caption: Arrakis, the pumpkin spice planet.
It's The Omega Glory btw. 
Whoops! I even double checked the Star Trek board and still got it wrong. D'oh!
I remember 'The Omega Syndrome'. Good episode, but I prefer 'Where No Squire Of Gothos Has Gone Before' and 'For The World Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Mark Of Gideon'.
But nothing beats 'Spock's Brain Obsession'. Great Halloween episode!
Star Trek
Spock: Captain! There's some hairy creature perched on your head!
Batman
Robin: Who's that?
Batman: That's the Condiment King's hench-wench, Pumpkin Spice!
Batman (1966 series):
Excuse me, citizen, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. [executes the Bat-Neck Pinch]
Batman (1966)
Batman: What is with all these crazy criminals?
Robin: I'm a sidekick, not a psychiatrist.
---
Star Trek
Spock: Holy rings of Saturn, Captain!
Uhura: It's the Starfleet Signal!
Kirk: Warp speed, Mr. Sulu! (scene cuts to the nacelles which shoot out flames)
Kirk: Let's go down to the planet. (landing party walks into the transporter room which has firepoles leading through the floor to the planet)
Kirk: Warp speed, Mr. Sulu! (scene cuts to the nacelles which shoot out flames)
The early Gold Key comics did have flames shooting out of the warp engines.
Bele; "Riddle me this, Captain Kirk; what's black and white and red all over? Answer; Lokai, after I get my hands on him! Heeeheeeheeeheeeheee!"
Kirk (to Spock); "Better call Security."
McCoy; "Nearly 50% of his metabolism is geared for reproduction. Do you know what you get after you feed a Robin too much?"
Kirk; "A fat Robin?"
McCoy; "No. You get a whole bunch of hungry little Robins!"
Batman and Robin jump into the Batmobile and lock their seatbelts.
Robin; "Anti-matter to power; nacelles to speed!"
Batman; "Roger. Get ready to move out!"
Approaching the Metropolis Neutral Zone.
Superman; "Great Scott!"
Scotty; "Yes?"
The Doctor; "Who are you?"
Michael Keaton's Batman; "I'm Batman. And you are...who?"
The Doctor; "Yes."
McCoy; "I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!"
The Doctor; "That's odd. I'm a Doctor AND a miracle worker!"
Tenth Doctor, sensing impending regeneration; "I don't want to go!"
His body begins to glow, he starts to breath heavily, and spreads his arms out, accepting his fate.
Tenth Doctor; "BURRRRRRRRRRP! Oh, thank heavens! It was just a bit of indigestion! Well! Back to business as usual! Allons-y!"
That final one could definitely go in the Lines You'd Never Hear In Doctor Who board in the Dr. Who section. The earlier two could as well, but then you'd have to explain to Emily who those non-who characters are. ;-)
---
Spock: The planet appears to have been reduced to rubble.
Kirk: That's incredible! What could have done that?
Spock: Scanning. I've detected a moon sized object with life forms... Just a minute... That's no moon, that's a space station!
What a crossover that would have been.
Peanuts
Linus (in the pumpkin patch): It's the Great Pumpkin!
Jack Skellington: No, I'm the new king of Halloween!
Linus (in the pumpkin patch, looking up in the sky): It's the Great Pumpkin!
(Scene cuts to the Death Star in orbit firing beam)
Yikes!
A little too dark? ;-)
Too bright.
Gilligan's Island
Gilligan: Skipper! A millionnaire wants to buy the island and keep us on to work his resort!
Skipper: What's his name?
Gilligan: Jeffrey Epstein.
Ouch!
Harry Potter
Snape: By Grabthar's Hammer!
A Hatsune Miku Performance
Miku appears on a big screen TV on stage. Fans boo and demand their money back. Hatsune motions behind her and the girl from The Ring crawls out of the TV to deal with the complainers.
Now that is dark.
Star Trek;
What if Voyager writers wrote 'Where No Man Has Gone Before'...
Spock; "Deflectors say there's something there, sensors say there isn't. Density; somekinda negative trans-phasic plasma core! Radiation; somekinda subharmonic quantum-flux stream; Energy; somekinda negative trans-phasic ionic biometric warp conduit!"
Kelso; "Whatever it is...contact in 12 seconds."
Spock; "I just TOLD you what it is! Three kinds of 'somekindas'!"
I don't get it.
Techno babble. Voyager is infamous for it, using technical jargon that explains nothing but sounds sciency.
Right. Original Trek was short and sweet and to the point. The real scene is;
Spock; "Deflectors say there's something there, sensors say there isn't. Density; negative. Radiation; negative. Energy; negative."
Kelso; "Whatever it is...contact in 12 seconds."
Voyager writers would throw in some nonsensical fake science techno-babble, and of course the infamous 'somekinda'.
Haven't watched Voyager in years.
Voyager Producer: Well, if Tim isn't watching, we should just stop making episodes.
;-)
Hey! It worked!
Voyager has been dead and done with for 23 years.
See? Like I said, it worked!
BBC: Sod off, Mouse, Doctor Who is ours!