Not too bad, if you don't think about it too much. The mortality rate was pretty high, even for a novel; EVERYBODY but the Doctor and Co. dies!

Why did the Doctor feel it was neccessary to visit Taal's relatives and tell them he died? He's certainly never done that before, even when he's had better motives. I don't even think he exchanged more than a dozen words with Taal before he died.

Maybe this is a comment on my mental state, but did anyone else notice that the drawings of the Zamper on the cover made them resemble mobile penises? Very disturbing.

How did the Doctor fix his broken TARDIS? I don't recall him picking up any spare parts on Zamp.

I think this is the only NA where the author continually refers to Roz and Chris only by their last names. And they're Adjucators, not Enforcers.

In these early Roz and Chris books, Roz comes off as one lousy cop. It's only later that she becomes a combination of Columbo and Dirty Harry.

Who are Columbo and Dirty Harry?

You're pulling my leg.....

Columbo was a TV detective portrayed by Peter Falk. Columbo was always portrayed as this bumbling, wide-eyed, rumpled detective who, in the end, solved the mystery because his persona was a big put on (i.e., he was really smart).

Dirty Harry was a San Francisco cop played by Clint Eastwood in several films. The name has become synonymous with the type of cop that doesn't have a problem with shooting a suspect on the off chance they might be guilty. I'm sure even you have heard DH's most famous line, "Go ahead, make my day."

See http://www.imdb.com for more details.

What on Earth would I want more details for?

Yeah, if it's any consolation to you, I have heard the 'Make my day' line, albeit in The Also People.

Broaden your horizons, wow people at cocktail parties with mundane trivia, plain old curiosity--take your pick....

My horizons encompass the entire Whoniverse (what more could anyone possibly ask for?), I wouldn't be seen dead at a cocktail party, and indulging one's curiousity (not that I have any about cop shows) gets one locked in secret passageways. According to Black Orchid, anyway.

Oh, Emily......what am I going to do with you????

Matthew Jones in DWM: 'Gareth [Roberts] knows what we fans want and over seven books has selflessly given it to us. Gareth remains the only New Adventures author who writes books like four-part television stories, only better than the stuff we got on the box' - there is no DESCRIBING the wrongness of ALL of these statements (especially when you consider Zamper) but...somewhere buried under the insanity is a truth I just didn't spot. Given the brilliance of his New Who episodes, there MUST be a spark of genius somewhere in the dull pointless illogical things, there just MUST.

If Ivzid and his line are 'almost uniquely in bondage to [the First Family's] codes and principles', why he disobeying a direct order from Big Mother himself to treat the parasites with civility?

'More often than not, the Doctor would have their destination prepared, and might even throw in a quick lecture on what monsters to expect, which toilets to avoid, and the like' - sorry, since when did ANY Old Who Doc have a clue was a TOILET was? And isn't McCoy the original 'Rule One: The Doctor LIES!' Doc? Since when did he TELL his Companions what he's about to unleash on them?

'There's nobody aboard. No light, no air' - no AIR? You're TALKING and BREATHING and stuff, aren't you!

'The Doctor shook the sleeper gently...Bernice saw the head flop back grotesquely. The Doctor patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry. He's very dead." A thought appeared to strike him. "Oh dear. Disease?"' - OK, firstly the Doctor thought that telling Benny someone was DEAD would REASSURE HER and secondly he can't tell the difference between a MANIKIN and a CORPSE? After almost a MILLENNIA of experience with the corpses that inevitably pile up in his wake (plus quite a few Autons)?

'The heat and the lack of air weren't affecting him in the slightest' - the Doc shouldn't be TOTALLY immune, surely?

'The Doctor's unique ancestry endowed him, she knew, with enviable resilience' - UNIQUE ancestry? He hasn't blown up Gallifrey YET, y'know.

'The ship must have crashed by now, but the TARDIS should be fine. It's very robust for a phone box. Christopher and Roz will be quite safe.' 'Assuming they got back inside.' - Well, QUITE. Why the HELL does the Doctor casually make such assumptions? When for him and Benny, stuck on exactly the same ship as Roz and Chris - and with Benny passed out through lack of oxygen cos she's just human exactly like Roz and Chris there was 'No way back to the TARDIS, and the repairs would take a couple of hours at least'?! (The state of Sexy's (lack of) preparedness certainly indicated they wouldn't have an easy ride (i.e. CRASH) of it even if they DID get back inside. As Benny later vaguely admits to herself - 'Even if they had got back to the TARDIS, the impact of the crash wouldn't have done them any good.')

(To be fair, Roz seems equally cavalier about the Doctor and Benny's survival: 'The Doctor!' 'What about the Doctor?' 'Right now, I want to kill him. If he isn't dead anyway.')

Why give Mr Jottipher all one hundred and eighty-five verses of the Chelonian anthem if their guests are only entitled to the opening three?

'"You'll find more unlocked doors in a totalitarian state than anywhere else," the Doctor said casually' - is that TRUE? (Just for humans, never mind alien civilisations?)

'Like a ragged teddy bear, [the Doctor] seemed much loved but exhausted' - just VERY VERY OCCASIONALLY during this waste-of-space, the TRUE Gareth Roberts - the one who's given us SO MUCH New Who-y joy - shines through.

'Chelonians. Once the masters of an empire that crossed seven star systems, fearsome destroyers of over a hundred and fifty colony worlds along the ninety-third galactic frontier' - seven systems doesn't sound that much, to be brutally honest. And what the hell would be the POINT of destroying a further hundred and fifty instead of conquering them?

'This'll sort the men from the boys' - they have expressions like THAT in the sixtieth century?

Why bother thoroughly researching Chelonian culture and then giving them guest rooms with stupid human-sized BEDS instead of hammocks?

'The Complex was vast but empty' - um, remind me why something so vast was built for a population of approximately four?

Why does Chris think that 'more adaptable machines at least' around the place must mean 'an automatic shipyard'? And why do Roz AND Chris promptly decide that the existence of an actual person proves HER wrong when this was HIS stupid assumption?

'The Doctor had been through some mementoes of previous adventures with her' - WHEN! And since when has he done ANYTHING of the sort (give or take Zoe's bizarre Evil of the Daleks repeat)?

'Cwej scissored his arms over his head in the recognized sign of galactic greeting' - since WHEN!

'Bernice was surprised to feel an odd pang of envy. She was used to being the Doctor's confidante on scientific matters' - did he not instantly pick up a local expert in the NAs the way he always does on-screen?

'I want to see how Chris and Roz are. May I borrow your buggy? If you give me directions I'm sure I can find my way to the Complex' - are Chris n'Roz even confirmed ALIVE yet? Why doesn't Benny just ask if there's a PHONE or something before trekking across the planet?

'The cool clean air of this planet increased the body's need for sleep' - it DOES?

Benny clambers into bed with a Chelonian (giant genocidal hermaphrodite tortoise, in case anyone's wondering) thinking that it's CHRIS CWEJ? Alright, the room's dark but shouldn't they SMELL different from humans or something?

Aha! A few pages later we're informed that 'the unmistakable odour of the Chelonians' is 'like old leather upholstery'. Well, er, maybe Chris smells like that too...?

'It stank like a pair of old leather shoes left out in the rain'...well, hopefully not...

INCREDIBLY linear. I have the horrible feeling it thinks that 'the broad's a fraud!' is a subplot but it really, really isn't.

To be continued...

'"You'll find more unlocked doors in a totalitarian state than anywhere else," the Doctor said casually' - is that TRUE?

No idea, but I could see a totalitarian state ordering everyone to leave their houses unlocked at all times so that the secret police can just stroll in whenever they like without the bother of breaking the door down.

But half the fun being a secret policeman in a totalitarian state must be kicking people's doors down!

Only the Great Leader is allowed to have fun. Everyone else is a mere drone, existing only to serve the Great Leader, and fun would be a distraction from that.

But they've gotta offer SOMETHING to keep their secret police loyal. I've NEVER heard of the Securitate/Young Pioneers/Tonton Macoute etc turning on their Great Leaders (unlike the occasional army)...and it's not like dictatorships can afford to PAY them THAT much, I mean, all those shoes and golden toilets and nuclear weapons REALLY COST and for some INCOMPREHENSIBLE reason their economies never seem to be going that well...

But they've gotta offer SOMETHING to keep their secret police loyal.

If they're indoctrinated from early childhood, that doesn't take much. They'll consider it an honour to serve their Great Leader, even if all they get for their devotion is a bare concrete cell to sleep in, and a bowl of gruel to eat, once a day.

And don't worry. My interest in this subject is purely academic. I'm not secretly planning the training of the secret police who will enforce loyalty to you on the glad day when you're proclaimed the UK's Great Leader for life, the BBC is compelled to broadcast 16 hours of brand new Doctor Who every single day, and not showing cats appropriate respect is made a capital crime.

Nor have I secretly designed a mind control device which will make you my puppet if you attempt to decline that position, allowing me to rule from the shadows as the power behind your magnificent throne, honest.

Nor have I secretly designed a mind control device which will make you my puppet if you attempt to decline that position

DECLINE THAT POSITION?

Are you CRAZY?!

Why would ANYONE decline that position?? (Unless they believe in democracy a LOT more than I believe in democracy after the events of the last few weeks...)

Of course, the Doctor wouldn't approve, but any time he wants to turn up and drown my subjects whilst feeding me to an octopus he is SO SO WELCOME.

Though you might want to work out how EITHER of us would get any good dictatoring done with SIXTEEN GLORIOUS NEW HOURS OF WHO to watch EVERY SINGLE DAY...

Though you might want to work out how EITHER of us would get any good dictatoring done with SIXTEEN GLORIOUS NEW HOURS OF WHO to watch EVERY SINGLE DAY...

With the mind control technology I haven't secretly invented speeding up human thought processes would be trivial. I'd never tamper with the Doctor Who experience, of course, but for the remaining eight hours a day we could think at three times the normal rate, effectively adding an extra sixteen hours to each day.

Incidentally, I'm not planning to use the mind control technology to force Michael Grade to spend his days cringing at your feet either.

Also, an example for anyone wondering what I mean by showing cats appropriate respect: if you see a cat sleeping in the middle of the pavement, you should never disturb its rest. Cross the road instead, or pick an alternate route, if there's a cat sleeping across the road too.

Incidentally, I'm not planning to use the mind control technology to force Michael Grade to spend his days cringing at your feet either.

Honestly, there is JUST NO ACCOUNTING for some people.

You think THE DOCTOR'S above a little healthy revenge? Just ask Adam Mitchell. Or Colonel Runaway. Or Standartenführer Joachim Wolff.

Well, in that case, would you prefer Grade to be dressed as a poodle, a Vervoid, or Thatcher, complete with blue dress and matching handbag?

Having someone wearing a Thatcher mask cringing at your feet has obvious appeal but looking like a filthy dog would be more humiliating for Grade, and the Vervoid costume would have a certain level of ironic appeal, since it's a costume approved under his watch.

would you prefer Grade to be dressed as a poodle, a Vervoid, or Thatcher

I'll be a DICTATOR - why should I have to stick to one costume any more than Henry VIII had to stick to one wife? Grade can wear all three costumes on rotation, or perhaps one of my several Who Production Teams can design a costume for him combining the worst attributes of poodle, Vervoid and Thatcher (hopefully under-emphasising the Vervoid aspects cos, let's face it, Grade isn't the ONLY one embarrassed by the existence of such a creature...)

'Hello, Smith. You got down here very fast' - QUITE. How?

(Having a character called Smith is pretty confusing as I keep thinking for a moment that she's the Doctor using his favourite alias.)

'It might still fulfil its destiny as the great tool of vengeance' - still just not getting why ALL this Chelonian faction's hopes are pinned on this one parasite-ship when - hello! - they've already got an ENTIRE FLEET at their disposal, 'every one as big as a city'.

'You don't even know your way out of here. We should stick together' Roz tells Benny, five seconds after telling Benny 'I'll get [Chris]. You get away from here and get the Doctor. Meet you back at the TARDIS.'

'He had difficulty, she noted, in expressing emotions' - I thought Seven was JUST FINE about expressing emotions? HE didn't need any cue-cards.

'"That can't have been very pleasant," he said. "I'm sorry." She sensed the resentment in his voice' - so he CAN express emotions! But since when did he resent having to save the nearest human (well, unless it COSTS HIM HIS LIFE as in End of Time)? Also, it was his fault Smith fell into the slime in the first place.

Why risk your life climbing that shaft just to confirm that a shuttle you know is gone...is gone?

'"You are known to us as Sla - Ifrok - Yalkoz - Slan!" "Oh really? My Chelonian's a little rusty, but I assume that means fearsome and deadly enemy or some such?" Ivzid shook his head. "It is narrow dialect for 'interfering idiot.'"' - blimey, no wonder it didn't catch on like The Oncoming Storm. But since when does the Doctor LEARN LANGUAGES and GET RUSTY in them?

'I'm a little concerned about Bernice and the others' - interesting that Roz and Chris are just 'the others' to the Doc despite Benny already thinking that the Doctor was honest with Roz in a way he is with no one else in the universe. (Also, a LITTLE concerned? About your friends trapped on an arms-dealing planet overrun by monsters? Don't strain yourself.)

The Doctor's 'ashen-faced' at the thought of monsters taking over the universe since WHEN!

'"If Ivzid hadn't come along..." He waved a hand vaguely in the air. "You'd have been politely extolling the wonders of nature when the hatching started," Smith said bitterly' - yeah, welcoming the Zamps with open arms was EXTRAORDINARILY naive of the Doctor.

'"He cannot succeed," said Hezzka bitterly. "An unarmed parasite, asking Big Mother, godhead of the empire, to destroy his own fleet? It is impossible"' - yeah, so why exactly didn't the Doctor take Hezzka in the TARDIS to see Great Mother and persuade him of the danger?

'Guided by infallible instincts, the Doctor raced up through the tubeways' - how can anyone SERIOUSLY still believe that that guy has ANY sense of direction?

'Nobody saw the expression that settled over his rubbery features...an expression that combined rage, humiliation and deep concern' - yeah, you're really not pushing the Doctor-shows-no-emotion claim very well, are you.

'Thanks to the stupid Ivzid, the food had escaped' - but YOU let the food escape! YOU told the Doc he might as well swan off cos nozzing in ze vorld etc etc...(Is it just me or is EVERYONE in this book behaving in a manner designed to defy all logic but pad out the page-count...?)

'"Tell us. What became of the fellow in the apron of colours?" The Doctor sighed and shook his head. "Cut off in his prime, poor chap." He patted his mid-section. "At least I learnt never to exercise on a full breakfast."' - So basically going with the fell-off-his-exercise-bike rather than the murdered-by-Seven/saving-the-universe-from-the-Lamprey/saving-the-Time-Lords-from-the-Valeyard theory of Old Sixie's demise. But how could Mel have permitted him to exercise on a full breakfast, or indeed to EAT a full breakfast?

'The Doctor gnawed his knuckles. "If only there'd been more time"' - since when does the Doc do THAT when telling people to top themselves?

'The gold fittings of his exulted washroom' - Chelonians have WASHROOMS? They didn't earlier in this very book when sneering at the fact that 'parasites need regular sprinkling...Else they become infested by carrion insects.'

'Their crusade relied heavily on inspiring the citizens to join them; one ship alone, no matter how strong, could not win a war' - YOU'VE GOT AN ENTIRE FLEET YOU GIBBERING IDIOT.

'There would be time for him to debate the morality of his escape later. The fact remained that in the universal scheme of things he was important, and owed it to others as well as to himself to stay alive' - this has NEVER been Our Hero's attitude!

'Even a Time Lord would have difficulty surviving a warp reaction of this magnitude' - DIFFICULTY? In what way could he POSSIBLY survive an entire fleet blowing itself up with him aboard?

WHY jiggle a severed parasite's-head at Great Mother, exactly?

'Thankful for his infallible sense of direction' - will you just STOP spreading these ridiculous lies about his sense of direction!

'"In the end you were all mouth and no knickers, like the rest." She started to laugh. "What's the matter?" "I really am beginning to sound like you."' - I can't imagine the Doctor saying anything of the sort.

'Forrester felt for the first time some of the culture shock the Doctor had warned her time travel could bring' - FOR THE FIRST TIME?! She didn't feel any culture shock IN A DAVE STONE NOVEL?!

'Not for him the mindless games of Sub-continental whispers or leap-parasite' - look, there are some lovely moments (albeit rather repetitively ripping off Earth's cultures and religions) but...there just isn't a decent story to hang them on.

Bookwyrm:

'There would be time for him to debate the morality of his escape later. The fact remained that in the universal scheme of things he was important, and owed it to others as well as to himself to stay alive' - this has NEVER been Our Hero's attitude!

Though I'm still outraged when Bookwyrm says something of the sort - 'He promises to remain with the Chelonians as they kill themselves saving the universe but immediately runs away on the grounds that he believes himself to be too important. What a git.'

'What are they testing on this ship? When we crash-test cars, we do it with some means of learning what would happen to a human being in said crash, not just for fun...we're pretty sure that we can tell you what would happen to a human being who was starved of oxygen, fried and then splattered all over the landscape at Mach 16 without needing to resort to testing our hypothesis with crash-test dummies' - Well, you never know, Eight and that GIT he inexplicably topped himself for were surprisingly...intact...after THEIR spaceship-crash...(I mean, DEAD. But intact.)

'Despite not having heard about Chris and Roz since leaving them on a burning suicidal spaceship, [Benny] suddenly knows a) that they're fine and b) their location. Later on, she's completely up-to-date on the current political situation on Chelonia, despite not having seen the Doctor - the only person who might feasibly have told her - since before knowing that Chelonians were knocking around' - oops.

First of all, I just read through the previous comments and I want to know how Mike Konczewski survived telling Emily to "Broaden your horizons" back in 2003.
Come to think of it, has he posted anything in the last twenty years?
Don't worry, Emily, I jest. You wouldn't murder anyone. Trap them in a time loop maybe!

Okay, I liked this one. Despite my dislike of Gareth Roberts personal opinions (he's a transphobic ass, if you haven't heard yet), I have to admit he is a good writer, and this one kept me interested right to the end. Curiously, every "guest" character dies, making this the Horror of Fang Rock of the novels (not that they have anything else in common). Two of the woman, Christie and the Secunda, die very gruesomely, making me wonder if Roberts dislikes women as well as transgender people.

Referring to Roz, we are told on page 88, "The Doctor had been through some mementoes of previous adventures with her." This is only her third adventure with him, and the events of the three books in question follow after each other pretty rapidly. Exactly when did he collect these mementoes?

Page 109. "Her first few trips in the TARDIS had been almost fun, the Doctor the friend she'd always wanted." This is in reference to Bernice, whose first few trips in the TARDIS were Transit, The Highest Science, and The Pit. She found those events fun? I don't remember them being fun for the readers.

The TARDIS is described on page 121 as, "An upright oblong, two point six metres by nought point nine metres." So, it's only 0.9 meters wide? It looks much wider than that.

Recently, in my daily episode reviews, I pondered how in The Ambassadors of Death, the Doctor had managed to get the entire TARDIS console through the door and into his lab. Page 217 of this book provides an answer. The Doctor instructs Roz to push a "yellow and green-spotted button." When she asks what it does, he replies that it will, "Widen the door," to allow Hezzka to enter.
So that's how he did it! Interesting that we've never heard of this possibility before.

Don't worry, Emily, I jest. You wouldn't murder anyone. Trap them in a time loop maybe!

And that would be better because?

"The Doctor had been through some mementoes of previous adventures with her." This is only her third adventure with him, and the events of the three books in question follow after each other pretty rapidly. Exactly when did he collect these mementoes?

Could this have meant his pre-Roz adventures? Not that he's usually the memento-collecting type...

"Her first few trips in the TARDIS had been almost fun, the Doctor the friend she'd always wanted." This is in reference to Bernice, whose first few trips in the TARDIS were Transit, The Highest Science, and The Pit. She found those events fun? I don't remember them being fun for the readers.

If humanly possible, they'd've been EVEN WORSE for Benny, didn't she spend Transit possessed and Highest Science drugged? (Don't remember anything about what happened to her in The Pit, obviously I'm putting off the reread for as long as possible in the hope Nitcentral/the planet will collapse first, but it's the kinda thing you'd wish you HAD spent possessed/drugged out of your skull...)

The TARDIS is described on page 121 as, "An upright oblong, two point six metres by nought point nine metres." So, it's only 0.9 meters wide? It looks much wider than that.

She does look very skinny sometimes, especially in the Hartnell Era.

Emily stays strangely quiet on my comment about what she did or didn't do to Mike Konczewski. Perhaps I should tread more carefully in future.

Mike is JUST FINE but obviously I'm not gonna ADMIT that...