erm, no. Sorry about this, but that is quite blatantly incorrect. Here is the true plot:

Some woman gets up and gets dressed. We then find out she's Ace, but she's lost her memory. It turns out that the Doctor has been fiddling with the TARDIS and has wiped her memory. He fixes it and they go to Sumeria for a bit and then they go back to the TARDIS for tea.

Oh yeah, and before they go to Sumeria, they get this message from the 4th Doctor about the Timewyrm. They don't find it in Sumeria, but they do find some stranded aliens, including one evil one called Ishtar who does lots of nasty things. The Doctor throws her into the vortex and destroys her. Or so he thinks, until she turns up saying she has now become the Timewyrm.

Joy! Joy! Joy! A brand new location, no more deciding which of our innocent babies, sorry, threads, will get thrown to the wolves. In honour of the move (and because our All-Powerful Moderator has seen fit to drop large hints) I reckon we ought to make one last push and polish off those accursed reviews. I shall take responsibility for Parasite (as I've finally worked out how to do a review without actually READING the thing, it won't kill me. Probably) Dreams of Empire (got it out of the library three weeks ago, but lost it. Oh well, it'll turn up) and The Ghosts of N-Space (got it out of the library yesterday, and despite what Luiner said about the audio, I have heroically abstained from vomiting on it, kicking it across the room, ripping it to shreds and stamping on the mutilated remains, etc etc. Actually READING it might be a bit harder, so if anyone else wants to volunteer...). Luke is the proud owner of Lords of the Storm, Eye of the Giant, Twilight of the Gods and The Crystal Buch...Bucc...er...thingamajig so he can do reviews for them. OK Luke? (I was about half-way through Twilight when I learnt you had the book, so if you can't face it I'm just about willing to polish it off - let me know.)

That just leaves A Device of Death, which I can't find anywhere, and the Benny NA Dragon's Wrath, which I can find in bookshops but not libraries for some reason...maybe CBC would like to volunteer to buy it and do the review?

I have Dragon's Wrath, so I can do the review. Unless CBC is just waiting for an excuse to get the book.

yeah, i'll do those MA reviews - but i'll have to post them, my email has been getting a bit dodgy on me at the moment. Look for 'Lords...' and 'Crystal...', the others will be a while (until I read them, I currently just read 'Turing Test' and am now reading 'Lord of the Rings' again).

So what, precisely, is so horrific about the Timewyrm that the Fourth Doctor takes the unprecedented step of warning his Seventh self about her? As far as villains are concerned, I'm more scared of the Nimon any day. He'd've done better to drop a few hints to his future selves about radio telescopes and snogging Rose Tyler...

Plus, what the hell's he doing in the burgundy get-up if he's projecting from Invasion of Time?

There are a bunch of bits in the book which clearly *aren't* McCoy!
"He turned away, bent down and, with regret, punched Ace in the jaw. She stopped screaming and rolled over, unconscious." The idea of the seventh Doctor punching someone out is a bit odd -- especially when you consider that in "Battlefield" and "Survival" he shows he can knock people out with a finger pressed against their forehead.
"When Ace didn't answer, he pulled a face. 'You don't know when you're well off, my girl.'" Granted, he'd just recently stopped channelling Pertwee -- but "my girl" is Hartnell!
The Doctor saying to Ace 'I've a good mind to leave you here, you ungrateful wretch.' I can picture Colin saying that to Peri, but Sylv? Not even as a joke.
"Bother! I had a suspicion it would be a mistake... I should have listened to myself - but I never do, do I?" Not only does that not sound like McCoy, McCoy is also the only Doctor who *does* seem to pay attention when he gets a note from himself!
And that's just on a quick flip through...

Wow. This was obviously a SERIOUSLY bad book (mercifully the passing decades had numbed my memory of the pain), AND you've just disproved what New Who writers are always saying about how you don't write for a specific actor, they're all the same person really...

'I had never liked the Seventh Doctor on television...I particularly disliked the Machiavellian aspect of his character' - well, a) you should have liked him in Season 24 then, and b) this makes Peel a somewhat odd choice to LAUNCH A RANGE OF SIXTY BOOKS ABOUT THE SEVENTH DOCTOR, doesn't it.

'The first New Adventures novel carried on seamlessly from the end of the last TV story...Survival includes the line "Bloomin' cats, it's the owners I blame"...Timewyrm: Genesys contains the line "Would you like me to pleasure you, my lady?" from a 13-year-old temple prostitute...' - Gareth Roberts in DWM. He may have a point...

'She was going to die in this barren, lifeless wasteland' - what on Earth makes her assume that the blue and white AND GREEN planet below is lifeless?

Are TARDIS roundels really six inches deep?

'"I've been editing a few of my useless memories and I seem to have set the field a bit too high. It didn't just erase my brain patterns, but all of yours as well." A lot of that didn't make much sense' - oh, YA THINK! For starters, the Doc didn't erase ALL of Ace's memories - she can still walk and talk and stuff - and secondly, why the HELL would Mr 'A Time Lord is the sum of his memories' do anything THAT stupid? He's never shown signs of having problems with too many memories (give or take Ten yelling 'I need a bigger head!' in a moment of Tennanty over-enthusiasm).

'How did you manage to wipe my mind anyway' - HE'S JUST EXPLAINED!

'We live for a vast length of years by your standards. And in that time, we get an atticful of useless memories. Every few thousand years, we like to clean them out, so to speak' - but you're not even a thousand years old yet! And you're not ASHILDR (or Captain Jack who apparently DID grow a bigger head), surely the Time Lord brain can COPE?

'For now he must placate her and conceal his true thoughts' - what, AFTER Agga's just compared Ishtar to the father of death and pestilence and told her 'it might be interesting to see if a mere man can destroy a goddess'? I think THAT horse has bolted, Sunshine.

'Timewyrm. At the core of the Matrix. Oldest input, from Ancient Gallifrey. A sort of future myth, end of the Universe, very apocalyptic' - yeah, RIGHT.

'So whenever anyone uses the Matrix to get any specific piece of information, anything else that they might accidentally stumble across is wiped from their minds' - since when!

'"I can't read that," she complained. "Of course you can't," he agreed, infuriatingly. "It's ancient High Gallifreyan. All the best computer programs are' - ignoring the bizarre claims of Time Lord computer-expertise (Troughton always got terribly excited/prejudiced around these strange exotic things), Companions CAN read Gallifreyan. It just takes a bit longer to kick in. (Um, well, they can in A Good Man Goes to War. Admittedly not so much in The Five Doctors.)

'Smell of blood, pounding of feet, the thrill of the hunt' - hmm. The fact that Genesys DOES actually remember the Cheetah people raises the question of why none of the other NAs or PDAs remembered that this planet was supposed to live on inside Ace.

Ace 'was at school, in the lab, mixing up a batch of nitro' when she was whisked off in a time-storm - except that the Doctor says in Curse of Fenric that 'she manages to create a time storm in her bedroom.'

'Ace thought about it for a moment. Not good, clearly. But then with the Doctor so few things ever were' - well, the NAs didn't waste much time getting down to Angsty Ace, did they. How different life might have been IF ONLY someone had thought up the crazy New Who idea that Companions might actually enjoy the lifestyle a bit sooner.

'"It's the TARDIS, trying to communicate with us." "Can't it do better than this? Or are we expected to play twenty questions to find out what the problem is?" The Doctor glared impatiently at her. "The TARDIS can't speak directly to us. Its intelligence is of a vastly different order to yours - or even mine. It's doing the best it can"' - really? Just ringing the Cloister Bell? When Sexy COULD have produced a perfectly talkative Interface, or at least have melted a few clocks. Give it some welly, as Capaldi would say.

'Brigadier Alastair Lethbridge-Stewart' - well, I suppose when even the Lethbridge-Stewart novels manage to misspell his first name occasionally, I shouldn't be too hard on a mere NA.

'"Doctor," the Brigadier said, in his precise, measured tones, "I need your help. Doctor?" Then the picture faded away into nothingness. "A cosmic distress signal?" she asked him. "Did the Brigadier get your number from interstellar directory enquiries?" "Very funny," the Doctor snapped..."No, there isn't any way that he could have done this"' - why not? The Space-Time Telegraph does MUTATE after all, according to Interference.

Didn't Neanderthals have incredibly squeaky voices? Why is there no mention of this with Enkidu?

Why would the (Brian Blessed-style) KING keep going on spying missions? Taking with him someone as incredibly conspicuous as Enkidu?

'"If we don't stop it, then there might not be an Earth as you know it. It'll just be dust blowing in the cosmic winds." As he fiddled with the controls, Ace tried to take it in. "But - I'm from the Earth Professor," she objected. "If it's destroyed in the past..." "You may very well cease to exist," he agreed..."Or your Earth will be confined to a sliver of the Universe, cut off from the rest."' - Shouldn't they have had this conversation MONTHS ago (preferably minus the hitherto unheard-of 'sliver of the Universe' claims)? And would ANY Companion REALLY 'struggle' to comprehend the Earth being in danger...after their first five minutes?

'"If you vanish, we've made a mistake." "Somehow that's not very comforting, Professor." He glared at her again. "Must you address me like that, Ace?"' - because of course telling her she might wink out of existence any second is just fine, whereas addressing him as 'Professor' like she's been doing for the past months/years is just INTOLERABLE. Lolita's right. The Seventh Doctor's horribly off, especially in relation to Ace. Which is a bit of a shame, when Who had only just got the TARDIS crew RIGHT for the first time since Meglos.

'We seem to be heading for a crisis of unimaginable proportions here - something that could unravel the fabric of the Universe' - I always SAID the weaker novels desperately start screeching about the end of the universe, I just didn't expect it to start with the very first novel. And why the hell would THE DOCTOR find a threat to the entire universe 'unimaginable'? And, um, since when has the Timewyrm been anything of the sort? And if she IS then frankly it was a bit stupid of the Doc to deliberately preserve her life and hope for the best in Revelation...

'"Didn't you tell me that we can't change the way history's written?" "You can't change your past," he agreed..."But a Time Lord could"' - so he's NOT agreeing, then. And OF COURSE a mere human can change history, if the Doc takes her back into history.

'"You're giving me the shivers," Ace complained in a quiet voice. "I'm giving myself the shivers," he replied' - alright, I get the message! This is TOTALLY the SCARIEST ADVENTURE EVER!

'There was a moment of eerie silence. Swords were still in mid-air, spears halted in mid-thrust. Then, growing like a roll of thunder, an ear-splitting roaring sound filled the air. It sounded almost like an elephant hunt - the sound the dying behemoth made when it was being slaughtered' - OK, leaving aside the question of what's wrong with 'wheezing and groaning sound' - how come everyone froze BEFORE the noise started?

Ace didn't think to check the scanner before walking out into the middle of the battle?

'A small fire burned without consuming anything' - would that really be a prehistoric reaction to a white flashing lamp?

'"Ace." "Aya?" he repeated. The goddess of the dawn herself?' - are you DEAF?

'There wouldn't happen to be a temple in this city, would there?' - surely know-it-all Seven would know that OF COURSE there'd be a temple in a Mesopotamian city?

When the Princess asks Puabi if she knows any sacred harlots, the response is 'Ishtar's harpies? One or two, though not well' before casually mentioning that, oh yeah, 'One of my nieces works in the temple. Bright girl, name of En-Gula...She knows when to keep her peace...she's just the girl to talk to about those other matters that you're not yet interested in. From all accounts, she's got a few effective methods of giving pleasure to a man -' - but hey, APART from that Puabi barely knows her niece.

To be continued...

Companions CAN read Gallifreyan. It just takes a bit longer to kick in. (Um, well, they can in A Good Man Goes to War. Admittedly not so much in The Five Doctors.

I seem to remember it being specifically stated in A Good Man Goes to War that the TARDIS will not translate Gallifeyan.

Didn't Neanderthals have incredibly squeaky voices? Why is there no mention of this with Enkidu?

We don't really know what kind of voice Neanderthals had, for the good reason that they are all dead. We can make educated guesses based on they remains, but even that is a bit sketchy since none of THOSE are complete, and lets not forget that Homo Sapiens voices come in a wide range of tone and pitch, and that would also have been true of Neanderthal voices.

I seem to remember it being specifically stated in A Good Man Goes to War that the TARDIS will not translate Gallifeyan.

*Double-checks* Oh!

I was remembering the 'It's the TARDIS translation matrix. It takes a while to kick in with the written word. You have to concentrate' bit, I was totally forgetting (because, in the context of THAT sentence, it makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER) the 'I still can't read it.' 'It's because it's Gallifreyan and doesn't translate' bit.

'We're just travelling companions. And sometimes we're even friends' - Jeez, SOMETIMES Ace and the Doctor are EVEN FRIENDS? Don't strain yourselves.

'How old are you, child?' 'Thirteen...I became one of the [prostitute] priestesses only a year ago' - interesting. Adventuress of Henrietta Street couldn't spell out that Juliette was a 12-year-old prostitute, it just casually dropped in the occasional date so you could work it out. But then, the Doctor isn't planning on marrying this one. (Nope, it's the musician who marries the THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD in what the Doctor and Ace both bizarrely regard as a happy ending.) Unlike Juliette (what kind of lunatic JILTS the DOCTOR! I mean, we're talking Eight not Six here...) En-Gula certainly isn't shown to be DAMAGED by her experiences in any way.

'Her veins were drained of their blood, my lady - and her brains were missing from her skull!' - did they know about veins and brains and things in Gilgamesh's day? Even the child-whores?

'When I was a child, my mother told me that the reason my people died out is that we could not co-operate. These hairless humans took advantage of that folly, and managed to destoy [sic] my race. I've always been afraid that the same thing might happen to all humans one day' - Er, THAT'S not why the Neanderthals died out, surely? They can hardly be less cooperative than HUMANS. And how would Enkidu's mum know her race had gone extinct and why, anyway? And why, in these circumstances, is Enkidu so concerned about humanity, the Uncle Tom?

'"Trust me," Ace told him, "the human race will be around for a god long time yet"' - isn't the entire POINT of this book that THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE CASE?

'This girl seemed to be completely convinced that in this temple there was no need for an intermediary. He didn't know whether this was a good or bad sign' - er, BAD Doctor. It's ALWAYS bad when an alien super-power is squatting in a temple being worshipped as a god. (OK, maybe not in Legacy of Death when it was K9...)

'Extrapolating from the girl's lack of clothing, the Doctor could easily imagine the kind of service she was expected to perform' - he's the (Old Who) Doctor! He SHOULDN'T be able to imagine such things, easily or otherwise!

'You know what happens to mortals who sleep with the gods' Gilgamesh lectures Ace, right after trying to sleep with her EVEN THOUGH HE THINKS SHE'S A GOD.

'"I do magic," [Gilgamesh] growled. "I cut men in half." "And then put them back together in one piece?" howled another of the drinkers' - Ancient Mesopotamia had the old saw-a-person-in-half magic trick?

'It was one of her real talents, her voice' - well it's odd that she nearly got KILLED in Happiness Patrol for being unable to sing, then.

Why does Ace get no money/demands for an encore for ENRAPTURING the pub with her singing?

'People are not happy here. This does not give them a good spirit to listen to music' Avram the musician tells Ace after much laughter and smiling and applause for Ace's musical performance.

'I hate to speak of such an indelicate subject to a lady such as you' - Ace is mistaken for a LADY? Did THEY sing in pubs 4,000 years ago?

'More certain than ever that the temple of Ishtar must have drawn the Doctor to it like honey draws flies...' 'Ace was absolutely sure that the Doctor must have gone to the temple' - and what led to this brilliant deduction? The fact he said 'I'm just popping out to take a peek in the local temple', perchance?

'There was something very unwholesome about the man, but the Doctor couldn't quite put his finger on it' - yeah, cos he's SUCH a novice when it comes to spotting humans being possessed by aliens...

'He hated nothing quite so much as working in the dark' - oh, nonsense. Alright, Seven had more of a preference for foreknowledge than any of the other let's-just-dive-in-it's-fun! Doctors, but I doubt he HATED a mystery worse than cruelty or tyranny or bus stations...

'I always disliked hospitals' - what, throughout all seven bodies? Why did he become wildly enthusiastic about 'em when he was Ten, then?

'Be careful of this jacket! I had it dry-cleaned and pressed last century!' - but the Doctor regards 'Dry Clean Only' as a SUGGESTION!

'Okay, so Ace looked a bit outlandish, dressed in her leather jacket and jeans' - whatever happened to 'The Doctor had raided the TARDIS's wardrobes for all the clothing that would pass muster in Mesopotamia. They looked a little odd, but he was certain that the city guards would let them through'?

'Bloke? Umbrella? I do not know these words' - you'd think that at least Sexy would cope with BLOKE. And after years with McCoy she really should be able to translate 'umbrella' into TRILLIONS of different languages.

'Is he a friend of yours?' 'Sometimes he is' - surely we deserve to know at exactly WHICH point between Survival and Genesys Ace started hating the Doctor's guts. (If anyone can shoehorn the Seventh Doctor PDAs in that gap, presumably it would be that time pregnant Ace's boyfriend blew her brains out and the Doctor replaced her with a copy from another dimension? But let's not go there.)

'Enkidu was the only person Gilgamesh had ever met who could match him for strength' - ooh, were Neanderthals super-strong? How the hell did we wipe 'em out, then?

And hasn't evidence of interbreeding emerged, should the two races (well, one race and one Last Of His Kind) have been so distinct?

'All twelve of the patrol died within moments' - is that physically possible? For two strong men - armed with a sword and an axe, respectively - to kill a dozen well-armed soldiers QUITE that fast?

To be continued...

'Her veins were drained of their blood, my lady - and her brains were missing from her skull!' - did they know about veins and brains and things in Gilgamesh's day? Even the child-whores?

Oh sure. They may not have been too clear on how exactly these things worked, but they knew they were there.

ooh, were Neanderthals super-strong?

Your average Neanderthal was 2 to 3 times stronger than your average Homo Sapiens.

How the hell did we wipe 'em out, then?

Strength isn't everything. Superior tools, greater numbers, better adaptability all played a role in favor of Homo Sapiens. But it is speculated that the greater population of Homo Sapiens in Asia and Africa simply ended up overwhelming the smaller Neanderthal population in Europe.

'All twelve of the patrol died within moments' - is that physically possible? For two strong men - armed with a sword and an axe, respectively - to kill a dozen well-armed soldiers QUITE that fast?

I suppose that with the element of surprise it could be done.

'All twelve of the patrol died within moments' - is that physically possible? For two strong men - armed with a sword and an axe, respectively - to kill a dozen well-armed soldiers QUITE that fast?

I suppose that with the element of surprise it could be done.

But the dozen soldiers were ambushing THEM, not the other way round...

Oh, well then lets just say they're just that good.

Yeah, I suppose if Gilgamesh and Enkidu are 2-3 times stronger than any human...and the soldiers are slightly hampered by being remote-controlled by Ishtar...still, it would SURELY take more than a few moments to physically stick your sword/axe somewhere fatal and pull it out again SIX TIMES OVER? Unless Neanderthals are super-fast as well as super-strong?

'She hated to see people being used like this in the service of dull superstition' - in that case why stick to lecturing a Mesopotamian priestess? Why didn't Ace have a go at those vicars in Fenric and Remembrance and Ghost Light?

'"But it's not simply Kish that this goddess of yours might destroy. She may be endangering the whole planet." Ace was getting an attack of the creeps. "Do you really think she's some kind of goddess?" she asked, quietly' - cos of course Ace believes only DEITIES can destroy entire planets, it's not like she's met any big blue ALIENS with names like, ooh, say, THE DESTROYER, EATER OF WORLDS or anything...

'"Any idea what that is?" Ace asked. "None at all," the Doctor replied, examining it with interest. "It's some language I've never seen, and the picture's no help"' - but you implied earlier that the TARDIS/Time Lord Gift DID translate the written word, just not if it's Gallifreyan?

'She didn't bother mentioning that she'd appropriated [the thermite bomb]. Despite his affinity for dangerous situations, he didn't seem to possess any understanding of the usefulness of weaponry' - Oh yeah? What about all those times the Doc asked Ace for 'That Nitro-9 you haven't got' or simply said 'Ace, we need a hole'?

'Ace, these trips of ours are supposed to broaden your mind. Stop thinking in twentieth century terms for a while and try to see these people through their own eyes. I know you don't like Gilgamesh, but by the standards of his time he's actually quite a decent chap' - since when has the Doctor been prepared to judge societies by their own standards up to and including rapists? Not that Gilgamesh's own society judged him as a particularly decent chap ('There were plenty of grumbles about his behaviour of course. But such grumbles came mainly from the men whose women were either seduced or raped').

Oh, and by the end of the book Ace is (rather bizarrely) luxuriating in the happy ending and it's THE DOCTOR who's saying 'Agga's basically sold his daughter to Gilagamesh to cement an alliance. Nobody cares whether she wants to marry that lout. And it won't work, anyway. Gilgamesh will throw over the treaty, invade Kish and enslave the lot of them in a couple of years' - but Doctor, arranged marriages and invading-other-people's-cities is just NORMAL by the standards of the day! Stop thinking in twentieth-century terms!

Gilgamesh's latest mistress is wearing a 'robe'/'dress'? Why is Ace given two scraps of cloth to wear that make a bikini look respectable?

'He might leave me alone if you were flaunting your boobs in his face' Ace tells THE THIRTEEN YEAR OLD. Well, she's certainly getting the hang of this relativism concept, isn't she...

'Use your imagination, and what you know of the Universe through my tuition' - maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but in the Good Old Days Seven and Ace were best chums and he was broadening her horizons, I don't like seeing it spelt out that he just regards her as a pupil, and judging by the rest of the book a pretty tiresome one too.

'They were not keen on either women or commoners attending the sacred sessions. The Doctor didn't particularly care what they liked' - but Doctor why aren't you respecting their misogynistic convictions like you told Ace to do while Gilgamesh was groping her!

'It can't be a coincidence that there are two different starships from two unrelated races here in one small part of the Earth at the same time' - of course it can! If said space-and-time are late-twentieth/early-twenty-first-century England. Admittedly, Ancient Mesopotamia, not so much.

'I need someone to go with Gilgamesh who's used to dealing with aliens, who won't be overawed, and who won't overreact' - so, er, why send Gilgamesh in the first place?

'I've no idea where Utnapishtim's base is. I could never get the TARDIS there' - Sexy's stopped being able to scan for alien tech since The Visitation?!

'The Doctor put an arm about her shoulder. "I know how you feel about the king," he said, sympathetically. "He's not someone I'd choose to go on a hiking holiday with, either. But at the moment, he's out best chance to defeat Ishtar. Believe me, if I could think of any other way to do it, I wouldn't put you through this"' - great, the Doc only puts an arm round Ace and acts all sympathetic in order to manipulate her? And wouldn't Gilgamesh be more useful in his own city, close to Ishtar so he could invade her city if necessary, not trekking through the wilds to meet with potential alien allies he'll promptly try to slaughter? If Ace and Avram need protection on their journey, what's wrong with Enkidu?

'Life might be dangerous now, but it's never dull' says Ace, two pages after: 'It was the longest week of Ace's life. In the Doctor's company she had faced both danger and boredom often enough...'

'He's over a thousand years old, you know' - no of course Avram doesn't know! And, more importantly, neither do I! He was 953 in Time and the Rani, after all, and later NAs claim he had his 1,000th birthday while being tortured in a Kate Orman novel.

'It had been at the time the Sontarans and their gullible henchmen the Vardans had managed to invade Gallifrey' - they weren't the only gullible ones, you hypocrite!

'That last tea he had taken on Galifrey with his old companion Leela and that silly husband of hers' - yeah, SURE the Doctor popped back to Gallifrey for tea and scones with Leela and Andred...

'He'd managed to stave off Ace's doubts and get her out of the firing line for now' - trekking through this prehistoric world to negotiate with alien invaders is getting her out of the firing line?

Oh god, it's pushing that STUPID NA line of 'Adric, Katarina and Sara Kingdom are the three Companions who died and the Doctor still feels guilty about' rather than realising that the Doc won't have read Doctor Who: A Celebration and therefore won't have any reason to favour Katarina and Sara over, say, Bret Vyon, Toberman or Professor Waterfield.

'Perhaps you could explain a little more clearly what it is you want to know?' - which bit of 'Can you tell me what will happen to me?' wasn't clear enough for you?

'"I was happy, and I like to think that I was a good priestess." "Despite lying down on the job, eh?" he joked' - yes, hilarious, making sex-jokes to 13-year-old whores is TOTALLY what the Doctor's all about. And isn't it great to know that so young a child can have such a satisfactory career? Why have we got all those pesky LAWS against it?

To be continued...

Gilgamesh's latest mistress is wearing a 'robe'/'dress'? Why is Ace given two scraps of cloth to wear that make a bikini look respectable?

Maybe because she hasn't earned the privilege of better clothes yet?

'He might leave me alone if you were flaunting your boobs in his face' Ace tells THE THIRTEEN YEAR OLD. Well, she's certainly getting the hang of this relativism concept, isn't she...

I may be wrong on this one, but I doubt a thirteen year old would have had boobs in those times. General health, poor diet and the hardships inherent to that period caused girls to mature somewhat later than they do today.

Maybe because she hasn't earned the privilege of better clothes yet?

She's a ••••••• GODDESS isn't she!

General health, poor diet and the hardships inherent to that period caused girls to mature somewhat later than they do today.

Oh god, that's a point, I was just vaguely hoping that girls matured a LOT faster in hot climates four millennia ago but nope, that misbegotten scene just got EVEN ICKIER.

'Whatever you have done, it is with pure motives. I promise you that when Ishtar is defeated, you will be happy once again' - yeah, cos the Doctor is TOTALLY in a position to promise anyone with pure motives a happy ending. That's just the way the universe WORKS, isn't it.

'After the vast expanse of the flat plain, Ace was glad to see something that stood taller than a molehill' - she didn't spot the range of mountains BEFORE Avram pointed them out?

'Oh, I suspect she has grander aims than that. The world, probably. Maybe even the cosmos' - haven't we already established that *yawn* Ishtar is a threat to the entire universe? (Or was that the Timewyrm rather than Ishtar? Given that the Doctor is still in blissful ignorance that the SNAKE-WOMAN who's saying stuff like 'all of space and time will become mine' has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the Timewyrm, no sirree...Of course, Our Hero hasn't had the privilege of reading the blurb to this thing which helpfully spells out that 'To her followers in the city of Kish she is known as Ishtar the goddess; to the Doctor's forebears on ancient Gallifrey she was a mythical terror - the Timewyrm.')

'How far she had fallen! A few weeks ago, she had been a cheerful acolyte in the temple of Ishtar, enjoying her work, and desired by men' - alright, we get it! Thirteen-year-olds just LOVE being forced to have sex with hundreds of different men!

'"Do as I shall: get rest while you can. Who knows when we shall need our strength?" "Oh, very philosophical," the Time Lord muttered. "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we shall die - is that it?"' - er, no, what's SLEEPING TO CONSERVE YOUR STRENGTH FOR FUTURE BATTLES got to do with 'eat, drink and be merry', you moron?

'Ace could still recall the cold grip of the Cybermen she had faced quite recently. The end result of tissue replacement, they were grim, implacable, logical hell on two legs' - well, not THAT implacable (or logical) - just play 'em some jazz and catapult a few gold coins in their general direction...

If Qataka/Ishtar/the Timewyrm was gonna tip her executioners off about her intentions by threatening 'em, why bother with all that begging for mercy first?

'It was several minutes before he could bring himself to speak' - and Ace remained respectfully silent during all that time? A likely story.

'For the sake of the human race, she couldn't afford to mess this one up. She could only pray that the Doctor would have some idea what they could do with the virus...' - er, surely experience suggests that the Doctor WILL have some idea what they can do with an Ishtar-destroying virus (destroy Ishtar, perchance? Just a thought) without having to resort to anything as silly as PRAYER?

'Thankfully, his eyes were much more sensitive than those of his human companions' - since WHEN! (Alright, Christmas on a Rational Planet suggests he can switch between Time Lord super-senses and human-style senses but what I can take from Christmas I certainly won't take from GENESYS.)

'He was amazed at...how terribly beautiful she was' - how the hell would the Doctor know? Whatever happened to 'You're a beautiful woman, probably'?

Since when has any Doctor declared to the baddie that 'I won't allow you to destroy this by enslaving [humanity] to your depraved lusts'? I just can't picture ANY of the guys on TV saying THAT without cracking up.

The landscape whips past at tremendous speed - but it still takes the flitter ALL DAY to cover a week's walking trek?

'"Battles first! My axe is very thirsty." Ace rolled her eyes. Talk about one-track minds' - two-track, surely? Violence AND sex? Or has Ace already forgotten all that groping? Cos if a woman's unmolested for AN ENTIRE WEEK she just TOTALLY forgets about all that sexual harassment, right?

'Though he knew she was possessed by Ishtar, he could not bring himself to strike at his favourite child' - he couldn't? Wasn't he threatening to EXECUTE his favourite (i.e. ONLY) child earlier?

'"This time, you will feel my arms about you - crushing the life out of you." But instead of carrying out her threat she turned to survey the room, a smug smile on her face' - yeah, this seems to be happening A LOT. Longest climax EVER. Just kill everyone already. Me included. PLEASE.

'Struggling helplessly in the grip of two impassive guards' - whatever happened to 'a finger is a deadly weapon'?

'You have assembled all of my enemies for me to take my slow, slow revenge upon' - you mean your slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, SLOW revenge really, don't you.

'Another of his companions doomed, and nothing that he could do to stop it. Silent accusers, memories of Katarina, Sara Kingdom, Adric and others passed through his mind' - WHAT did I say about Katarina, Sara Kingdom, and Adric? And WHAT others do you have in mind?

'Kindly refrain from any comments on the size of the interior. I've heard them all before' - WHAT! But Our Hero NEEDS 'Bigger-on-the-inside' comments! He practically gets THREATENING when people take Sexy's interior for granted!

'Eyeing the contacts nervously, the Doctor explained: "We Time Lords achieve the near-immortality that Ishtar so desired by a process of bodily regeneration. I've undertaken it a few times myself. But each time [cuts rest of paragraph explaining ALL ABOUT REGENERATION TO PREHISTORIC PEOPLE INSTEAD OF JUST DEFEATING ISHTAR YOU CRETIN].'

'Look, we Time Lords have many personalities over the centuries. But they are all linked. Like the different faces of a multi-coloured cube. What he - I - [cuts rest of paragraph explaining ALL ABOUT REGENERATION TO PREHISTORIC PEOPLE OR A SECOND TIME INSTEAD OF JUST DEFEATING ISHTAR YOU CRETIN].'

And then the Doctor explains Chronovores to Ace, and Ace explains the Vortex to Utnapishtim, and basically a jolly good explanatory padding time is had by all (give or take the misfortunate reader).

'We've loosed this horror on the multiverse. It's up to us to destroy it' - leaving aside the Doctor's genocidal ways...MULTIVERSE? I can't take the word multiverse EVER AGAIN after Coming of the Terraphiles...

Since when could the Doc regress back into previous personas, anyway? Give or take a few moments of post-regenerative trauma in Castrovalva?

'If the link was lost, the cobalt bomb just inside the doors would explode - which might save the Earth, but wouldn't do the interior of the TARDIS the slightest bit of good' - since when haven't you been perfectly happy to sacrifice Sexy to save Earth? (See, for example, THE GALLIFREY CHRONICLES.)

'It's theoretically impossible, but so is the flight of the bumblebee, and he manages well enough' - oh gods, JUST DON'T. Tom Baker Himself couldn't get away with that godawful line about the TEHRAN bumblebee, so don't even TRY with your rubbish NA version of McCoy.

'I could slay you in a moment! All I need to do is turn off the life support systems inside this ship, and you and your friends will perish in agony! Slowly, achingly, despairingly' - that's an awfully long moment, then...

The Vortex is raw, uncontrolled STARSTUFF?

'It'll snuff her out like a candle in a hurricane' - since when has THAT been the Doctor's wild-grinned attitude towards an enemy?

'My third persona was a bit annoyed at what he was stuck with for an exterior' - no he wasn't! ALL Doctors invariably ADORE their own appearances!

So Ace has a hole drilled in her skull for things to burrow into her brain but - rather like the Doctor in Paradise 5 or Benny in The Draconian Rage - this is just never mentioned again?

Talk about one-track minds' - two-track, surely? Violence AND sex?

Perhaps Ace thinks they're the same thing for him.

And WHAT others do you have in mind?

All the UNIT soldiers killed by his many enemies, perhaps?

ALL Doctors invariably ADORE their own appearances!

They certainly seem to, but remember, 'the Doctor lies', and some of the recent ones have been heard wishing they could be ginger.

Perhaps Six secretly thought his nose and ears were unspeakably hideous, so he wore that coat to distract people from noticing them, something he'd obviously never admit to.

All the UNIT soldiers killed by his many enemies, perhaps?

Like Our Hero EVER gives a •••• about UNIT cannon-fodder. He wouldn't even visit THE BRIG when he was dying.

Perhaps Six secretly thought his nose and ears were unspeakably hideous, so he wore that coat to distract people from noticing them, something he'd obviously never admit to.

That's actually...quite plausible. Certainly the best explanation I've ever seen for That Coat.

'"I've been editing a few of my useless memories and I seem to have set the field a bit too high. It didn't just erase my brain patterns, but all of yours as well." A lot of that didn't make much sense' - oh, YA THINK!...why the HELL would Mr 'A Time Lord is the sum of his memories' do anything THAT stupid? He's never shown signs of having problems with too many memories (give or take Ten yelling 'I need a bigger head!' in a moment of Tennanty over-enthusiasm).

Also, Cat's Cradle: Time's Crucible helpfully informs us that 'his mind was awash with data, thought strands, contributors, subjects...There were ways of clearing his mind - certain techniques he had learned in his youth from a local mystic' so why resort to downloading into Sexy's telepathic circuits?

Bookwyrm: Volume I: The New Adventures 1991-1997 by Anthony Wilson & Robert Smith?:

'It's almost certain that the Doctor's line about "a week in Ancient Mesopotamia" in The Day of the Doctor is Steven Moffat's nod to the NAs in the anniversary year' - I was about to say HE WOULDN'T when I remembered this is the guy who gave us, in said story, a photo of Mike Yates with Sara Kingdom and, in novelisation of said story, the Doctor being a big fan of the Cushing/Dalek movies...referencing Timewyrm: Genesys would, alas, not be remotely beyond his pale.

'Ace remembers visiting Paradise Towers in precisely the way that she shouldn't. This will be fixed in Timewyrm: Revelation and will, bizarrely, be a hugely important plot point in The Gallifrey Chronicles, some 13 years from now' - I thought I was quite good at this nitpicking lark but these guys are PROFESSIONALS.

'So why the "y" in Genesys? Its not because it's more biblically accurate (in a "Jehovah is spelled with an 'I'" kind of way), nor is it because that's how the Mesopotamians would have spelled it because they wrote in Sumerian cuneiform. 28 years on, and still no answer' - ah well.

Re Sophie Aldred's Foreword: 'As well as providing a ringing endorsement of how interesting and exciting Genesys was (thus implying that she hadn't read it)' - yeah, that's the impression I get from her Set Piece Afterword as well - 'on the subject of the Doctor Who family, she comments "I have this strange feeling that it's one I shall never leave". At the time of writing, Aldred is 56 and still playing a teenager for Big Finish' - you say that like it's a bad thing. (Also, she's frequently probably also playing an early-twenties Ace only BF have really screwed up her timelines...and then there's her Gallifrey audios, she could be hundreds of years old in THEM for all we know...)

'Pages 140-141, for example, mention K'Anpo, Sontarans, Vardans, the Matrix, K9, Leela, Andred, Katarina, Sara Kingdom, Daleks, Adric and Cybermen, all in the space of about 25 lines' - *nods approvingly* - aaahh, I mean, disgraceful!

Bookwyrm: Volume I: The New Adventures 1991-1997 by Anthony Wilson & Robert Smith?

I wonder if the title of this book is where Jessica got her user name from.

Robert Smith? co-runs the Doctor Who Ratings Guide site.

ooh, were Neanderthals super-strong?

Your average Neanderthal was 2 to 3 times stronger than your average Homo Sapiens.

Most amused to see those people with more Neanderthal genes are more susceptible to Covid...