Considering that the Doctor eats, I certainly hope he has to go to the little boys room. After all, can you imagine the implications of a Doctor that has beans for lunch and then goes off to fight the Daleks?!

But the Doctor NEVER has beans for lunch! The occasional jelly baby or nut roast roll and the odd glass of wine, that's all. The Ice Warriors use up all their food and hardly ever have to go to the loo (according to GodEngine, anyway. I think Happy Endings contradicted this). So why shouldn't the oh-so-superior Time Lords do likewise? Anyway, Inference suggests that just hanging round the Doctor makes Companions not need the toilet either. It's obviously one of those Time Lord gifts he lets them share.

Sorry, that should be Interference.

I found the second half of this book incredibly confusing, what with virtually every character suffering either incredible pain, delusions, and/or depression. Sometimes a writer can provide too much information on the characters' inner life.

Doesn't Sarah also need to go to the toilet in Interference though anyway? It's been a while since I read this, however.

As for not-needing-to-go to the toilets gift; surely the Time Lords would never deprive themselves of taking nice big healthy dumps?

Well, ignoring your second point...yes, Sarah goes to the loo in Interference, but she thinks to herself 'Hey, in most adventures I never need to do this, what's gone wrong?' In any case, I couldn't care less about the Companions' bodily functions, it's the _Doctor_ who should be above that sort of thing.

Mike, I suspect that the author just ran out of plot so had to bump up the word-count with all this angst. If you don't like it you should _really_ steer clear of The Janus Conjunction (of course, everyone should steer clear of it anyway).

We have an emerging fragile centralised colony of 5000 people who will be completely isolated from Earth for 8 years. How plausible is it that they'd have an orbitting weapons platform pointed straight down and ready to wipe them all out if anything goes wrong?

Very plausible indeed, unfortunately. That Osterhagen bloke (Stolen Earth/Journey's End) certainly got around (Prisoner of the Daleks), Martha having unsurprisingly proved rubbish at convincing humanity it shouldn't try to wipe itself out every time something goes wrong.

Our first out-of-solar-system colony wasn't until 2128? What about our Vulcan colony from 2020 (according to AHistory, anyway)?

How the HELL is Proxima City's psychiatric condition over sixty per cent healthier than the most optimistic forecast when people are being brutally and magically murdered?

'The technician's death was the first indication of a series of blunders and mistakes that put the whole city construction in jeopardy' - but a couple of paragraphs earlier you were saying how 'The ground had proved less than yielding, much tougher than the initial surveys had suggested. They had been informed that it would be sandstone, easy enough to penetrate. However...nothing seemed to crack the stone basin'? Was that not a SUBTLE CLUE?

Why are Magda and Clark keeping their eight-month long relationship secret (or at least, 'the worst-kept secret of Proxima 2')? They're single consenting heterosexual adults in a non-religious society!

'International American' is the international business language? What happened to ENGLISH?

'He cursed himself for not having the building guarded. Percival hadn't let him' - so, er, why not curse Percival, then?

So the first seventh of the novel is devoted to construction (OK, and the odd murder but basically construction) before the Doctor shows his face. This proves just as interesting as you would expect.

A bloke mistaking another bloke for a murderer 'Then rendered unto him a savage beating' - has anyone gone round writing 'rendered unto him' since approximately Biblical times?

'A Terran colony world. And their first, if memory serves' - memory doesn't serve. it may be our first outside the solar system *pauses to scream VULCAAAAAAAN!* but it sure as hell isn't our FIRST.

'Humanity's first utterly alien environment' - yeah, cos Mars was such a home-from-home...

'"Interesting," said the Doctor. "The indigenous life form, I presume"' - so he memorised all the specs of the human spaceship that landed on this planet but he knows and cares bugger-all about the NATIVE INHABITANTS? (Not a nit, just an observation that our Doc really is a racist git.)

'The Doctor had sat back and seemed to be asleep. Sam wasn't convinced...She knew he was alert to everything that was going on' - wouldn't such alertness be rendered a lot easier by HAVING HIS EYES OPEN?

Sam thinks the Doctor's in his 'eighth or ninth century'? He hit 1000 in Set Piece, why is he lopping a few centuries off a la Eccy?

Percival's family have been in all the major wars - 'the trenches of Flanders in World War One, Singapore in Two, Haifa in Three' - wait, what, sorry, WHEN DID WORLD WAR THREE HAPPEN?

(There's a later description of India as a 'radioactive mud-hole' but given that it was in the middle of describing life in India going on JUST FINE I'm not sure how seriously to take it.)

Why does no one ask Sam and the Doctor for any news from Earth?

'Dr Rupinder has completed the autopsy on Clark. She's contacted Fuller with the results. Shall I intercept it for you?' 'No' - how exactly does this fit in with, twenty pages later, 'Why has [Percival] held on to the autopsy reports? How come nobody is allowed access to them?'

Rupinder blabbing to Percival is so mind-bogglingly stupid that even she can't believe she was that stupid.

'This is the twenty-second century. We've got rid of being scared of the dark' - er, when, why, how, and VASHTA NERADA you moron!

Noninterference with alien species is 'a nice idea but a bit old-fashioned' - given this is humanity's first inhabited planet I don't see how this principle really had TIME to be overturned.

Marine Saurians is as good a name for the Sea Devils as any, I suppose. It shouldn't just be the Silurians getting a new politically-correct name every other week.

'Even when they had walked out into the Proximan sunlight and realised just how much they would have to do just to survive' - this whole 'survivalist' vibe isn't really working, what with the bottled water, high-tech hospital with miracle drugs and gels, disposable coffee-cups, underground command centre, phone network, internet, cars with leather seats etc etc.

'The Proximans would eventually die out whatever she did. All that would be left would be her picking her way through their bones' - so by 'eventually' you mean 'within the lifetime of this already-grey-haired woman' - i.e. pretty •••• soon?

'The Doctor shrugged...Of course it wasn't linear. What a human concept, that the notion of the link between cause and effect was in any way an accurate map of the workings of the universe' - Jeez, he'll be timey-wimey-ing next. Isn't it rather racist to assume that only humans have this craaaazy cause-and-effect belief, rather than, presumably, ALL non-time-faring species in the universe? Also, Gallifrey DOES seem rather stuck with cause-and-effect itself, aside from that CHEATING by Ten/Eleven/War in Day of the Doctor...

'The figure was unfolding itself. The Doctor saw...the sockets where its eyes should have been' - I guess empty-eye-sockets count towards the Who-novels' eye-gouging tally even if they didn't, strictly speaking, exist in the first place. It's the CIVILISED way of a writer fulfilling this apparently-contractual duty.

And I suppose Percival crushing a poster of a kitten and chucking it across the room is as close as you can get to MURDERING AN OOCHIE, on a planet with no cats...

Sam 'couldn't help herself worrying [about the Doctor], despite the fact that he was always disappearing for days, even years on end, and always came back with a smile and a "what, me?" on his face' - ALWAYS? He sure as hell didn't on Ha'olam.

'She had always hated James Bond movies, cryptocapitalist male chauvinist pig' - hear hear! - 'but couldn't help thinking she spent half her time doing exactly what he did. Alright, that Timothy Dalton hadn't been bad' - yeah, Rassilon obviously felt the same way...

Incendiary-bombing your own office seems a somewhat excessive way of stopping snoops. With some pretty obvious drawbacks.

'How many times had the GMC press offices boasted of their psych-profiling? No one with a criminal record, they promised, no one with the slightest degree of mental instability' - they didn't notice the STREET-GANG TATTOOS, then...?

To be continued...

'After all, this is for their own good. Do they really want this... this fifth column alive and at work, undermining everything they have worked for? She wouldn't be surprised if they themselves weren't harbouring Leary, the Doctor and the others' - *works way through double-negative* Does that mean she WOULD be surprised if the workers were harbouring fugitives? Cos that's not the impression I get, as Percival slaughters her way through them.

'Found out from your friend the lady doctor' - what's with the LADY doctor nonsense? In the extremely-sexist society of the UK TODAY (never mind in a century's time) most doctors are female, surely if you're gonna qualify a particular medical professional by their gender it should only be if they're a MALE doctor.

'There had been more than a few nut organisations back in the Republic who spent their time telling everyone who would listen that the Proxima colony was a slap in the face for God' - um, isn't the very EXISTENCE of ANY other planets and stars a slap in the face for God? He made it perfectly clear that those little lights in the sky were to tell seasons from one another and absolutely not other suns, no sirree...

There's no vegetation on this planet? What do the natives EAT?

'There was none of the mottling or bleaching six weeks in plaster would have caused' - sorry, what, a broken leg still requires SIX WEEKS IN PLASTER - in a society where you can get damned-near-burnt-to-death and recover in a few days thanks to miracle gel?

'She spat in his face. "Pig! You killed them!"' - um, killed WHOM, exactly?

The Doctor has super-fast healing of a broken leg? Since WHEN! (Romana was astonished by Adric's super-fast healing in Full Circle, after all...)

'I never lie' - you're THE DOCTOR! RULE ONE: THE DOCTOR LIES!

(Thirty pages later: '"Oh, everything's under control," replied the Doctor. "I'm sure everything will be finished soon." And if you believe that, he mused, you're a better man than I' - not just the New Who Docs, then...)

Dammit, my list of nits vis-a-vis the Doctor's awe-struck GOD-LIKE BEING •••• has been rendered useless by the fact he's not the Doctor, he's a very naughty boy the rather narcissistic being in question.

The Rutans became shape-shifters through 'genetic tampering'?

'They had to engineer its escape. Which means someone helped it to escape. Which means someone here in the Installation was able to let it go free' - why would a god-like being need help to escape?

Why DID Percival assume the traitor was Fuller not Rupinder? Why did Ruperinder take this piece of paranoia so seriously she fainted?

'The Chief. He looks worse than you do. Reckons he got into a fight with some alien thing. •••• near chewed his head off' - he's still alive after •••• NEAR GETTING HIS HEAD CHEWED OFF? (In case anyone's thinking to point out that, er, actually, no he isn't - that's not the nit, the nit is why Sam or Jeffries didn't think 'Oh, how come he isn't dead then, gosh, this must be his alien shape-shifting replacement' a LOT sooner.)

Sam is 'wondering how many more allies would appear to get themselves destroyed over her' - yeah, SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.

Jeez, now the creature has just hurled itself over the parapet to end up in pieces, presumably to avoid having to kill Ms Jones.

'You know, I rather like her' - what a totally bizarre thing for a Doctor to say of his Companion to a near-stranger after YEARS together.

Why the hell would Sam bother to put on an I'm-so-scared act to get Percival to open the door to Leary? Why did Sam let the act slip before said door was opened? Why didn't Leary just WALK INTO THE BLOODY ROOM without politely waiting for said door to be opened, he's not a VAMPIRE?

'Remember the cell. Remember those three years. I thought I would go mad, I really did. You saw me weak, weaker than anyone has ever seen me' - I can still nitpick a fake-Doctor if he's using the real Doctor's memories, right? Cos three years in a comfy cell doesn't really compare with FOUR AND A HALF BILLION punching a wall and he didn't go mad THEN. And he wasn't as weak when Sam rescued him in Seeing I as he was in Genocide, where he was so starved he couldn't move and his teeth were falling out, IIRC.

'For all its miraculous qualities, cellular regeneration was a slow, painful business....There had been times when he'd thought he'd go mad. Infection compounded the delirium, his antibodies working overtime to convert and expel it' - REGENERATION energy mended his broken leg? Slowly and agonisingly and without him summoning-up-the-magic-golden-light-a-la-Angels-Take-Manhattan or anything? Later: 'His new bone felt just fine. No problems at all, as if he'd had it all his lives' - the Doc just grew himself a brand new bone?

'The Doctor realised he was the witch on the ducking stool' - you just wait till you're JODIE!, Sunshine - 'He couldn't win. If he changed form, Leary would kill him' - um, there's no question of regeneration and he certainly can't change into a mad-killer-alien-thing so this isn't really an issue - 'If he didn't, Leary would wait until he dropped dead from hunger and thirst. Or went mad' - he's not gonna die from hunger until MONTHS after he dies from thirst, and he's not gonna go mad from being tied up for a few days and does he not REALISE that he's quite good at a) talking his way out of tight spots and b) Houdini-ing his way out of his bonds? (Both of which he duly does within the next few hours so why the despair?)

'There was only one way out. He was going to have to talk Leary into releasing him' - er, which bit of WRIGGLING OUT OF THE ROPES are you too stupid to grasp - a couple of hours before you, er, wriggle out of the ropes?

'Funny place, Mars. Two indigenous forms of life, totally different. Ice Warriors and... the other lot. Martians I suppose' - UH?

'I'm sorry. She just wouldn't listen to me. I gave her every opportunity' - UH? *Double-checks text* Nope, you just shrieked 'Doctor!' and 'Joan!' at each other until she got killed and you...didn't.

'It was a fascinating, age-old story. The doomed expedition. The awakening of some long dormant power. The punishment for good old wanderlust. How many times had he heard it before?' - jeez, even THE BOOK is critiquing its own unoriginality (albeit chucking in a bizarre claim of being 'fascinating').

To be continued...

'How do you know about that? Who are you?' - ARE YOU ••••••• KIDDING ME, the Doc's just given you his ENTIRE LIFE STORY!

'Even a Time Lord couldn't hold on to his bladder forever' - most bog-standard 'adventures' seek to make their mark by suddenly claiming THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS AT STAKE!! but you just had to claim THE DOCTOR GOES TO THE LOO! instead, didn't you...

Leary asks how he'll recognise Sam amongst 5,000 colonists and the Doctor says she'll be the one causing all the trouble which would be more helpful if a) the entire colony wasn't self-destructing, i.e. EVERYONE'S causing all the trouble and b) he'd at least had the decency to give a physical description like BLONDE.

'Without [native] help, the creature would destroy him now it knew of him. He was hoping that it thought it had killed him off' - so it WOULDN'T necessarily kill him, then.

The Eighth Doctor wears elastic sided shoes?

'The thick Martian beard' - since when have human-colonists-on-Mars had thick beards? Don't remember that in Fear Itself or Waters of Mars...

'It seemed that the crisis was over and all was right with the world' - um, that's not the impression the PREVIOUS SENTENCE gave me - Horton was on the phone 'trying to rescue some kind of order from the chaos the colony had descended into.'

'Both are accounted for and disposed of' - BOTH? What the hell makes you assume there were only two Face-Eaters?

'People were moving away from him, as if he still carried that for which he had been so long accused' - how do they all suddenly know that Leary is innocent of being a serial killer after all? A couple of pages earlier is was all 'no one knows what the hell was going on and there were vampire rumours'. And even if somehow the word DID get out to this ruined colony, why does NO ONE try to lynch him just in case?

'With a big grin on her face, she raced through the park after him' - whatever happened to (on the previous page) 'She tried to keep up but her body still lacked the energy she was accustomed to'?

'[Horton:] "And the crisis has passed, hasn't it?" Something told Sam that it wasn't as neat and tidy as that. "You've got the codes, haven't you? And do you really believe she wouldn't do it?" Horton's ashen face provided her with the answer she had been seeking' - and yet a couple of pages later Sam seems instantly convinced by Percival telling her that the crisis has passed and the codes are no longer necessary?

'Sam diagnosed Percival as having a week ego, fear-of-failure motivation and distinctly paranoid delusional tendencies' - all of which were somehow missed by the psychs who swore that no one in the colony - let alone the leader - was unstable or criminal?

'The Face-Eater had been busy. Not only had it hollowed out Basement Seven of the Castanedes Tower, it had set up some kind of dimensional gate to give instant access to the mountains' - it - had - WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

And how fortunate for the Doctor that it's whipped up a dimensional gate as he was apparently planning on walking to said mountains despite them being several days' walk away...

'Was this what went through their minds all the time? How could they stay sane?' - well, you should know Doc, when you're Eccy n'Tennant you're claiming the entire universe is running through your head.

'He needed to be himself. The Doctor. He had fought so hard to retain his identity; his biggest fear was to lose it' - really? Since when? Isn't the ultimate identity-change of REGENERATION a natural (OK, slightly unnatural) part of your life-cycle?

'You absorb me and I'll change you. And those you have swallowed will help me. Joan! Coors! Clark! All of you."...Whatever was left of the human victims was asserting their identities on the Face-Eater' - Love & Monsters ripped off THIS?

'He had expected it to try to steal him. He would have been lost but he knew he could have softened its murderous tendencies' - the Doctor was seriously prepared to sacrifice himself for THAT? To soften the murderous tendencies of a monster so maybe it wouldn't completely destroy a colony of a mere 5,000 invading-humans which has just pretty-much destroyed itself already?

'I only hope Horton had the sense to disable it' - you didn't think to TELL him to sodding well make sure the loony couldn't nuke them? Cos he does seem so thick he needs Sam of all people to spell out the bleedin' obvious.

'"You'll kill us all!" he yelled. This is no time to be stating the bleedin' obvious, Sam thought' - moments before '"Face it Percival, it's all over!" Sam shouted "There isn't a colony left to save!"' - the bleedin' obvious.

Gods, that was JUST SO BORING.

Gods, that was JUST SO BORING.

Welcome to the Paul McGann years.

Oi! So not fair! Alien Bodies, Night of the Doctor, Adventuress of Henrietta Street, Father Time *long pause while brain is wracked for good Eighth Doctor audios* Planet of the Ogrons...

Well, I finally had time to get back to the novels. This one...hmmm. I know I say this about a lot of them, but there is some good stuff in here. I'm just not sure it adds up to an adaquate whole.
Yet again, we have someone in charge who is either too incompetent or evil (or both), in this case Helen Percival. It always makes me wonder how they ever came to be in charge. I've been wondering stuff like that ever sense Cutler in The Tenth Planet.

I was a bit surprised by the reference to the Doctor's bladder too. But then I recalled something from a novel I read years ago, Invasion of the Cat-People, in which Polly makes reference to going to the TARDIS's bathroom. The fact that it has one does seem to imply that Time Lords need to go once in a while. Now, does all that human and Gallifreyan waste get ejected into the time vortex? Or is there centuries of the stuff being stored in some secret TARDIS room? Does the TARDIS have an unending supply of bathroom tissue, or does the Doctor have to go buy some on occasion? Does the commode ever need to be manually cleaned? Is there a place to hold toothbrushes? The questions are endless.

Yet again, we have someone in charge who is either too incompetent or evil (or both), in this case Helen Percival. It always makes me wonder how they ever came to be in charge.

Google "The Peter Principle". It might shed some light on that particular conundrum.

Well, I finally had time to get back to the novels

Excellent, The Taint is next! Sure, it's obviously not much GOOD, but the important thing is, we FINALLY get Fitz! Let's face it, Sam and even the Eighth Doctor (even on those rare occasions he's not suffering from amnesia) don't exactly have the character to hang eighty novels on, but for some reason I've never been able to put my finger on, Fitz actually WORKS. (Even if his tendency to fall in love in every sodding book gets tired, fast.)

Yet again, we have someone in charge who is either too incompetent or evil (or both), in this case Helen Percival. It always makes me wonder how they ever came to be in charge. I've been wondering stuff like that ever sense Cutler in The Tenth Planet.

Well, during the Troughton Era it's bleedin' obvious why the stupid-inflexible-crazy man is in charge when his infinitely-more-efficient second isn't - cos of sexism. And sometimes it isn't obvious on-screen but the novelisation clarifies - Salamar came from an important family. And sometimes it really IS inexplicable (Megan Jones was woman enough to run an oil company in the sixties but seemed bizarrely incapable of exerting any sort of authority?)

I was a bit surprised by the reference to the Doctor's bladder too. But then I recalled something from a novel I read years ago, Invasion of the Cat-People, in which Polly makes reference to going to the TARDIS's bathroom. The fact that it has one does seem to imply that Time Lords need to go once in a while.

Nonsense, it just implies that Sexy created some of those 'bathroom' things the moment the Doc started kidnapping Earth girls...

Now, does all that human and Gallifreyan waste get ejected into the time vortex? Or is there centuries of the stuff being stored in some secret TARDIS room?

The Husbands of River Song:

DOCTOR: You probably want to press that button.
RIVER: Why? That evacuates the waste tank on deck seven.
DOCTOR: Does it?
RIVER: What is wrong with you?
DOCTOR: Better avoid deck seven then.

Does the commode ever need to be manually cleaned?

I wouldn't have thought ANYWHERE in the TARDIS requires manual cleaning, until the Bradley Doctor came up with stuff like 'Yes, in fact this whole place could do with a good dusting. Obviously Polly isn't around any more'...

Google "The Peter Principle". It might shed some light on that particular conundrum.

But for EARTH'S FIRST COLONY PLANET...?

Uh, yeah.

"Excellent, The Taint is next!"

Well, it will be next when I get back to the EDAs. I'm jumping back and forth between series. The next one I'm reading is an NA, "Sanctuary." I haven't started yet, but I do like the cover illustration. I hope that bodes well.

It doesn't. I have yet to spot a correlation between the standard of a Who cover and the standard of its innards. I mean, sure, Parasite had the worst cover imaginable and was the worst book imaginable, but Falls the Shadow has the second-worst NA cover and it's really good. And then, of course, the cover for Rags is amazing...

So in your opinion Sanctuary is bad? Oh well, I'll read it anyway. After that will be a Seventh Doctor PDA named Storm Harvest

*Much sympathetic sighing*

Well, you've survived worse...

Always a pleasure conversing with you, Emily.

And THIS is me TRYING not to put you off by being too negative...

I'll read even the bad ones once. After all, I don't always agree with the majority.
I still haven't found any as bad as "Transit" or "The Pit" yet though.

Ah, the sweet innocence of someone who hasn't encountered Mick Lewis...

'Even a Time Lord couldn't hold on to his bladder forever' - most bog-standard 'adventures' seek to make their mark by suddenly claiming THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS AT STAKE!! but you just had to claim THE DOCTOR GOES TO THE LOO! instead, didn't you...

Tragically The Wonderful Doctor of Oz becomes the second Who novel to commit such blasphemy:

Missy to Thirteen:

'Reminds me of some of the fun we used to have together, back in the bad old days - the testosterone time, if you will. At least that's far behind us now. All that leaving the toilet seat up and getting paid more money for doing the same job. What a nightmare!'

Still, it's Missy, she might be lying.

Or maybe Delgado, Ainley and co just went round putting toilet seats up out of sheer evil...

you just had to claim THE DOCTOR GOES TO THE LOO!

'"I expect if I'd been in there all that time, I would have done a wee in my pants too." The Doctor flicked the braces on his trousers and pulled at the waist, mining being uncomfortable and making an "Urrrrgh" noise' (Dalek Generation) - OK, I've decided to believe that Matt's just LYING to make the urinous rug-rat feel better...

you just had to claim THE DOCTOR GOES TO THE LOO!

Missy Season Three: War Seed:

'Double-boo, she tweeted a picture of me on the loo' - Missy sneering at the Meddling Monk. Oh god.

you just had to claim THE DOCTOR GOES TO THE LOO!

Well, Tennant was JUST FINE being tied up for five days and seventeen hours in Wild Pastures...

you just had to claim THE DOCTOR GOES TO THE LOO!

Well, Tennant was JUST FINE being tied up for five days and seventeen hours in Wild Pastures...

Also Four, as regards loos in System Shock: 'He could think of one place that fitted the bill [somewhere where the digital age had not yet arrived] almost exactly. Or at least, he suspected it did, he had little experience to draw on in this area.'

HA! Take that, Face-Eating nonsense!