While it started off okay, this book really fell apart at the end, possibly due to the excess of bad guys (who couldn't make up their mind to be bad or good).

I think the authors' were trying to raise the spectre of "does the Doctor do more harm than good?" but really blew it. If the Doctor hadn't shown up, everyone would have died, period.

Nit--nuclear power plants do not explode like nuclear bombs. Instead, the core gets superhot and melts into the ground until it hits water. These causes a super-heated blast of steam, which propels radioactive debris into the air. No mushroom cloud or blinding white flash, though, and definitely no EMP.

Does Happy Endings give an entire list of Ace's shags to date? (I wonder if I can say 'shag' on here without setting off the ultra-sensitive but Americanocentric censorship software? If I can't then obviously once again it's going to look like I've been using far stronger language than I actually do... but I digress.) I suppose Perry and Tucker smooth over such contradictions in 'Loving the Alien' but don't you just wish they'd never bothered in the first place?

Yes. I mean, yes, I wish to god they'd never bothered, and yes, Happy Endings does have Ace clearly state that *winces* her first lover was Sabalom Glitz and her second was Jan. Leaving no room for her sex life as detailed in Storm Harvest, Independence Day, Loving the Alien, etc etc. Drunk as she was at the time, I don't think Ace could have forgotten all those men. And - given what an incredibly long list she goes on to regale Benny with - she certainly wasn't censoring some exes out of embarrassment.

Fair enough, but don't forget that this was actually a Giant Sized Alternative Ace from another universe. Not that anyone writing for her at the time knew it. Perhaps she was a little more chaste in the other universe?

Hmm, good point.

And yes, you can say shag in the US. Here, it means a kind of rug, or haircut. Though, thanks to Austin Powers, we all now know what it really means.

Perhaps she was a little more chaste in the other universe?

Not judging by the sixty-three lovers she proudly enumerated to Benny in Happy Endings. Shortly before making it sixty-four by seducing Benny's fiance.

DWM: What was your inspiration for the Krill?
Tucker: A couple of reviews of Illegal Alien and Matrix had said that they wished we would stop using old monsters and villains, so we decided to come up with something of our own' - what, authors actually DO WHAT REVIEWERS RECOMMEND? Since WHEN!

'Years of diving had toned her figure and given her a set of shoulders broader than those of most men' - can diving DO that to your shoulders?

'Clutching a bright red plastic bucket and a spade with a curious question-mark-shaped handle' - where does he GET this stuff!

'Humanoid but definitely hot human. Too many limbs for one thing' - CAN you have four arms and still qualify as humanoid?

'She still had that memo taped to her notice board' - what, a PAPER memo stuck to a BOARD with...TAPE? What century are you people LIVING in!

'The Hyperion Dawn drifted quietly in the swell of the ocean, with no indication on her decks of the violence of the morning.' Aaaand on the following page: 'The remote swooped over the deck, zeroing in on the gashes that criss-crossed its metal surface...She couldn't take her eyes off the gouges in the metal.'

'The Doctor let his mind drift back a long way, to his own childhood. His own magpie nature' - well, thanks to New Who I can no longer issue shrieks of outrage at the ridiculous concept of the Doctor having a childhood, but...magpie nature? Aren't magpies the ones that nick everything in sight and eat other birds' babies?

'Ace slung her rucksack over her shoulder, cursing at the weight' - she's got two days-worth of beachwear in there, what exactly is her PROBLEM!

'She never failed to be amazed at how much information the Doctor seemed to be able to cram into his head. Whether it be the complete schematics for an alien battle cruiser or a recipe for a Baked Alaska, he seemed to have useless facts for all occasions' - surely the schematics wouldn't be useless, I mean ten-to-one you'd be crawling along that ship's ventilation shafts any minute...

'Roz Walsh cursed as the torch slipped from her headband for the millionth time' - yeah, gods forbid Our Interstellar Future should entail a method of lighting more efficient than (failing to) stick your torch on your forehead...

'She was suddenly aware that everything she owned was getting tatty' - Sexy doesn't provide Ace with clothes?

'Earth Central had plenty of other, more important, colonies, and her request for another coastguard crew had been denied' - why would Brenda need to beg for coastguard crew from EARTH? The colony's bringing in loads of rich tourists, surely it can afford to buy its own flyer and - if too stingy to pay for a crew - use volunteers like the RNLI does?

'Coralee seemed conducive to relationships. Brenda had performed three wedding ceremonies this month alone' - doesn't sound very impressive, maybe you should have given us SOME indication of the population level?

'As with all colony worlds, the bar was full of representatives of dozens of different species' - really? NO ONE colonised a planet just to GET AWAY from the bloody aliens and practice their mad religion in peace, or anything?

The Doctor eats shellfish? Well, I suppose it was the NAs that made Seven continue Six's vegetarian habits, there's no on-screen indication.

Why does Ace assume that R'tk'tk is a male?

Yeah, the trouble with having a book full of cigar-smoking/genocidal dolphins is that after Heritage and all those Shelachian-obsessed Lyons PDAs/audios, they feel rather old hat.

'Dolphins and whales comprised nearly a quarter of the colonists on ocean planets' - I'm sorry, I'm just having a hard time picturing humanity realising that other native species were intelligent without blowing 'em to smithereens like the Silurians. Are we REALLY to believe that we generously invented telepathic translators so we could talk to them, shared our starships with a bunch of fish (mammals. Whatever) as we set off to conquer the universe, treated them as EQUALS? (Well, such things happened with the Monoids but we were a LOT more advanced/naïve/weak/stupid in THOSE days.)

'"The Norse tales of Ragnarok..." The Doctor shuddered at the word' - yeah, I always shudder at the memory of Greatest Show too, but it can't POSSIBLY have been as boring for HIM as it was for us.

The Doctor assumes that EVERY religion has an altar?

'I think I might have a crack at translating these hieroglyphs' - Sexy on strike today, Doc?

The Doctor 'shoots Ace an angry glance' for daring to worry about her friend who's just been unjustly dragged off by the police? What a git.

The Doctor promised to let Brenda know if he had any news of her missing friend. He doesn't bother.

'He and R'tk'tk had gone off to file an insurance claim. With the vessel in custody he didn't hold out much hope for success' - why not? Can't the insurance company examine the boat while in police custody or something?

'Two credits a night, plus room and board' - and, er, how many clients is one expected to take on for this? Prostitution sounds incredibly unlucrative.

Also, it's still illegal? And all the punters are male? Surely the oldest profession should be a bit more progressive by now?

'Shame I haven't got my sonic screwdriver' - YES ISN'T IT A SHAME THAT IN HUNDREDS OF YEARS YOU, THE SUPPOSED ARCH-MANIPULATOR, HAVE BEEN TOO LAZY/STUPID/INCOMPETENT TO RECREATE YOUR MOST USEFUL COMPANION?

'They really didn't want visitors here' - so why only set the sonic disruptor to kill the FIRST visitor to turn up?

And why not just USE THE BLOODY WEAPON instead of building it a nice booby-trapped temple and then, um, all get slaughtered by the Krill the weapon was built to destroy...?

'Bavril's mate, and the unluckiest man on the ship. Communications operators always got it in the neck' - so if he's so unlucky how come Scatcher's still alive, when the Cythosi have killed most of the other slaves in fits of pique?

'He says he's from InterOceanic, but I don't believe him' - interesting that the genocidal monster and the dolphin realised that straight away, but the penny never DOES drop for the planet's Co-ordinator.

Everyone's lack of a mobile phone is getting REALLY grating.

To be continued...

Are we REALLY to believe that we generously invented telepathic translators so we could talk to them, shared our starships with a bunch of fish (mammals. Whatever) as we set off to conquer the universe, treated them as EQUALS?

But, dolphins are so darn CUTE.

Pah. They're not KITTENS, y'know...

'Now he had the feeling he was under arrest' - don't they have to SAY 'You're under arrest' or something?

'"This hasn't turned out to be much of a holiday, has it?" he said apologetically. Ace grinned. "Its wicked, Professor," she said' - actually she'd been REALLY ENJOYING the holiday and not the brothel/monster stuff when it predictably stopped being a proper holiday.

'In every bar he positioned himself with a view of the door and waited, looking for Bryce, passing the time by punching endless combinations on the alien data-pad' - THE DOCTOR really can't think of a better way of finding Bryce OR getting into the data-pad?

'You got to have something," the waiter growled. "You're in here now."' - The Doctor knows this, he's been ordering drinks in every OTHER bar, so why does he try to stop now? (Alright, 'His stomach was awash with exotic fruit juices' but he could always try going to the loo or something as the BBC books (well, The Face Eater anyway) claim that he does such a thing.)

'He tried to look into the man's mind, but all the could sense was fear and confusion and the jumbled emotions of too much booze' - since when has the Doc invaded people's privacy like this!

'The masters of Coralee devised a weapon to combat them, so the story goes, but they were too late' - except that, er, they weren't, were they?

Why the hell doesn't Bryce just GET THE HELL OFF THAT PLANET instead of sitting round getting drunk because he knows everyone on this planet is about to get ripped to pieces?

London hasn't existed for five hundred years! What DATE is this? (One hundred years after The no-London-for-400-years Sensorites, presumably.) Surely there are plenty of New Londons around, why not assume that Ace is talking about one of those?

You can't just name a random extra 'Corporal Bell'! What next, Sergeant Benton?

'"I've read a couple of your books, sir," the guard said slowly. "Didn't think much of them"' - well why did you read TWO of 'em, then!

'Brenda Mulholland was flanked by half a dozen suited or uniformed officials, all standing around the big map of the planet' - and all male. Why?

'"It was a nuclear sub?" the Doctor was aghast. "Of course." Brenda sounded confused. "What else?"' - they SERIOUSLY haven't found a better way of powering a boat? Five hundred years after London ceased to exist?

'By now there must be millions of them out there' - how do you know? And isn't it a bit careless of the natives to leave millions of Krill eggs lying around their homeworld?

'It's the only weapon which will be effective against the Krill. I need to examine it. You must get it from Garrett' - and yet the Doctor subsequently leaves Brenda's office with no further conversation about how the hell she's going to find Garrett and getting the weapon off him?

So the Doctor's life is saved cos the alien that eats people gets so disgusted at the sight of an eaten-person it just wanders off?

'We learnt how to communicate with them - taught them to speak - and you know what we found? They've got nearly three hundred sounds for insulting members of each other's immediate families' - so you didn't exactly teach them to speak, then.

'"The fact is, the colony is experiencing some difficulty...with the natives"...To Ace's astonishment the tissue of unconvincing lies seemed to have done the trick' - what, NO ONE asked 'WHAT natives!'

'Ace could only watch in horror' - she could have lit some of those Molotov cocktails she was making and started throwing 'em.

The Doctor, what, just happens to be wandering past the bar Ace is in when the Krill attack?

'R'tk'tk clattered past them, nestled in the spindly shape of a mobility unit. Two gun barrels projected from the underside of the machine' - given that said mobility was a random one Rajiid picked up for him in the hotel lobby...does this mean that ALL dolphin-wheelchairs on this PEACEFUL HOLIDAY PLANET come ARMED?

Why doesn't the Doctor just whip up a forcefield and/or a TARDIS remote control out of some bits and bobs?

'One of her trainers was crushed under the bulk of the shutter, torn from her foot' - wouldn't it have been more likely to chop off or at least damage her foot than to just remove a shoe?

'"Wicked!"...Ace looked at him, her eyes shining, revelling in the excitement of something new' - so one minute you're setting Ace up as terribly traumatised by whatever-you-did-to-her-in-Matrix and desperately needing, and loving, a peaceful holiday and the next you have her as happy that aliens are invading while unstoppable killer-monsters are ripping the colony apart.

'He had pored through the notes in his diary, but notes from a thousand planets over nine hundred years, and all in seven different styles of handwriting, made it a less than efficient reference work' - well it's funny I've never seen a single Doctor make a single note in his diary. Also, if he has different handwriting in each regeneration, how come Seven claimed his future-Merlin-self's handwriting was his own?

Jeans? Jackets? Boots? Whatever happened to Ace's rucksack just having a couple of days' beachwear in it?

'Like all hotel rooms anywhere it was full of complimentary soap and little else' - don't hotel rooms have minibars and suchlike?

DON'T tell the abject coward there might be more Krill around, you moron.

To be continued...

'"I've read a couple of your books, sir," the guard said slowly. "Didn't think much of them"' - well why did you read TWO of 'em, then!

Maybe he thought he had picked a bad first one and decided to give it another try?

Jeans? Jackets? Boots? Whatever happened to Ace's rucksack just having a couple of days' beachwear in it?

She could have done some shopping at some point. Beachwear will only get you so far you know.

She could have done some shopping at some point.

Theoretically she could, but the last time Ace went dress-shopping we practically got a blow-by-blow description of it - this being really quite padded, and frankly the dress-shopping being more interesting than some of the other blatant padding, like the human sacrifices - so I BET we'd've got told if she'd bought some boots, jeans and jackets too.

And at least packing them in the TARDIS would help explain why her rucksack was so ridiculously heavy, even if it wouldn't help explain why we were TOLD it was just beachwear.

'The beings in this galaxy know nothing of conflict. Your petty wars are like children's games beside the battles we have fought' - haaang on, the Cythosi have trekked all the way here from ANOTHER GALAXY? And consider the Milky-Way-ravaging Dalek Wars to have been a playground tiff? Nothing about these gormless thugs is giving me the impression they're capable of inventing space-travel between galaxies. OR of creating the kind of tech that can turn one of their monstrous people into a human for TWENTY YEARS. (Albeit a schizophrenic human, but luckily NO ONE NOTICED.)

Actually, that's a REALLY STUPID plan, isn't it. Waste valuable war-time and effort inventing tech to allow one of your kind (eggs, BASKET, people!) to spend twenty years infiltrating humanity and building a colony on Coralee instead of just landing on what was then an uninhabited planet and just FINDING the stupid eggs and the stupid weapon.

'Through our operatives we have let these puny humans do all the work for us' - but you didn't NEED any of that colony-building work! 'Our hand unseen. No risks. No possibility of discovery' - unless your agent turned back into a lumbering Cythosi monster of course...oh look! He has! 'Generations working towards this moment, when we can harvest our prize' - GENERATIONS?!

And what on Earth is the point of activating the Krill-hatching by detonating a nuclear reactor when you've got no means of controlling or destroying them and they're nowhere near your enemy? And, er, you're trying to keep a low profile, here?

If there's such inter-species harmony and perfect integration, why the hell have the Dreekans got a human-sacrificing voodoo cult? It's taking multiculturalism a little far, frankly.

Sometimes the Krill eggs are described as black and sometimes as iridescent. The Cythosi could have polished some of 'em up I suppose but they don't seem the aesthetic types, somehow.

The Doctor's waving his hands around and screaming. So exactly why does Bisoncawl decide that he's dead?

'The eggs, General. They're in the holding tank, just as planned. I don't now why or how' - which bit of the Doctor bellowing in his face 'I can use the transmat to get all the Krill eggs out of here before the reactor goes critical' in his face has Bisoncawl somehow forgotten even with the Doctor right there amid the eggs to jog his memory?

'The Cythosi's complete lack of preparation for a rising among the functionaries - an unheard-of occurrence' - why unheard of? The functionaries are human beings, presumably kidnapped from their own free lives (the Cythosi would never have the patience to breed and train them) and enslaved by vicious monsters who torture a few of them to death every time they're in a bad mood. And they're in a bad mood ALL THE TIME. What the HELL have the slaves got to lose from an uprising?

The freed slaves promptly get drunk on the Cythosi wines that made THE DOCTOR'S eyes water?

'"He was the perfect hostage," Peck grunted. "The Doctor's obviously been working with Mottrack. He could have been our bargaining chip"' - granted that the Doc did seem rather unpleasantly inclined to side with the slavers rather than the slaves, but that doesn't alter the fact he's a filthy humanoid and the Cythosi are hardy gonna trade for his life, they'd've eaten him themselves once they'd got bored.

'He would seem to be a dolphin with strong opinions.' 'He hates humans. He blames them for the systematic extermination of cetacean life forms over the centuries' - and yet ALL the other dolphins are happily mingling with humanity?

'The huge alien soldier had already gunned down a drunken huddle of mercenaries' - of WHAT! They're FREED SLAVES! (Mind you, this seems to be regarding them as incredibly stupid as well as drunk as well as mercenaries.)

'"Civilisations based on slavery rarely stand the test of time," said the Doctor acidly' - well, all civilisations rise and fall but I hadn't noticed the slavery/serfdom/bondman types toppling any faster than the rest of 'em. And, let's face it, marriage in the vast majority of human societies has been slavery.

'"If you utter another sound I'll have you removed from the command deck," he barked at the dolphin...The dolphin whistled angrily' - why doesn't THAT count as a sound and get him chucked out?

'"Can you find your way to the command deck?" Peck sneered. "No," admitted the Doctor' - since when does the Doctor not know his way round a ventilation shaft? Since when does he ADMIT to having a less-than-perfect sense of direction?

Garrett sat in Mottrack's chair, the ancient weapon from the oceans of Coralee draped across his lap' - well said weapon never stuck ME as particularly...drapeable.

'I've escaped from tighter situations than this. There are other planets in this system' - well if they've got breathable air/oceans that would be remarkable.

'The Doctor was poring over the ancient weapon. It was wrecked beyond repair. Bisoncawl was right. Blu'ip had been right. It was over' - well, that whole ancient weapon thing the book's been going on and on and on about was all a bit of a waste of time, then. And how come it IS wrecked all of a sudden when the shots only damaged the control panel, not its coils? And since when would the Doctor just give in cos a weapon isn't working?

'The shuttle's about to launch itself' - er, no, the dolphin's about to launch it.

The fact half the colony's been wiped out 'made [Ace's] grief for one person seem so...selfish' - ARE YOU ••••••• KIDDING ME! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE DOCTOR! TO HELL WITH THE STUPID COLONY!

'The funeral was tomorrow, with hundreds of other funerals. Burial at sea' - SERIOUSLY? Your rep as THE sun, sea, sand n'sex holiday destination has already taken a knock from the mass-slaughter, you really think it'll help boost the tourist industry to have thousands of decomposing corpses bobbing ashore?

'Q'ilp found you. You were floating out at sea' - Coralee is VIRTUALLY ALL SEA. What are the odds that a dolphin he knows should happen to bump into the Doctor amidst all that water?

'It was still uncertain that the military were going to let anyone at all stay on Coralee' - why bother saying this if you're never going to mention it again, just go on about how the colony's being rebuilt?

'They were talking about jacking in the tourist business and transforming the shuttle's derelict shell into a beachside bar' - cos, of course, beachside bars never have anything to do with tourists.

In none of Ace's thoughts about whether or not to invite Rajiid aboard the TARDIS does it occur to her to wonder how the DOCTOR would feel about it. This isn't New Who where the boyfriends automatically get a berth, y'know.

The City of the Exxilons didn't have a MOAT, did it?

Ace hates herself as racist because she can't pick out the (previously face-painted) cultists from the ordinary Dreekans? SERIOUSLY? It's enough to make me go all Flip Flop on the subject of white liberal guilt.

You’ve rIed most of the plot holes here, you raise some very good points about the Cythosi. I’m fsct if they’re from another galaxy where on Earth did they get all these humans from? There’s enough enslaved that the whole Cythosi society is geared around human slavery but if they’re from another galaxy possibly dominating much of it, where did they steal a few trillion humans from?

As for the setting I always assumed 26th centry, frontier in space ishtime, it seems early days in the empire (though this was written back when humans only had one) their society more closely resembles the one we have now (again that used to mean something) and some terminology is copied over from the colony in space novelisation. Living units, a concrete Earth etc so it’s not long after.

I’m sure the novel has other little lines that place it early first empire.

That said Whoniverse.net says it’s placed in 4260 and I have to call rubbish on that. They’re far beyond electricity and nuclear subs by then.

The whole Cythosi society is geared around human slavery but if they’re from another galaxy possibly dominating much of it, where did they steal a few trillion humans from?

Is there any chance that by 'human' it means identical-to-humans-in-every-conceivable-way-but-just-happen-to-have-evolved-in-a-different-galaxy?

Cos I don't remember, myself.

In fact, I don't remember Cythosi or slaves or literally ANYTHING about this book except it had a beach and some Krill (and I only remember the Krill cos they appeared in the Dust Breeding audio).

Dammit, it's less than TWO YEARS since I reread it!

Maybe they do mention in Carnival of Monsters how loads of different species in the universe looks human. Still it’s made very clear all the slaves on the ship are Earth human origin. I suppose the character who says their society is geared round human slaves only could be wrong as it was a dolphin that said it. Still that’s being overly generous.

Maybe they do mention in Carnival of Monsters how loads of different species in the universe looks human.

Ah yes:

'These creatures are Tellurians, a species discovered in a distant galaxy. Scientists have been amazed at the remarkable similarity between these little chaps and our own dominant lifeform...Some scientists think that their discovery refutes Valdek's theory that life in the universe is infinitely variable.'

Still it’s made very clear all the slaves on the ship are Earth human origin.

Oops.

I suppose the character who says their society is geared round human slaves only could be wrong as it was a dolphin that said it. Still that’s being overly generous.

Yeah, our job is to pick nits, not to make up stuff to desperately try to plug 'em.

Better than I expected, but not by much. Staggeringly average, in fact. I like the dolphins helping out the humans and it was a nice touch to present one dolphin with the opposite opinion.

Edwin Bryce is easily the most annoying character that I have come across in a Doctor Who novel. At least he got killed halfway through.

I was planning to ask exactly how many boyfriends does Ace have, but then I read the above comments about Happy Endings, which obviously I haven't reached yet in my New Adventures reading. And is Daniel O'Mahony who responded to that point the same Daniel O'Mahony who plopped Dodo into bed with some guy with infectious results? Sweet innocent Dodo, and he seemed shocked about Ace?

They're enjoying a holiday when the story begins. Does the Doctor ever learn that no holiday he takes his Companions on is ever going to be uneventful? The only one I can thing of is when he and Romana were relaxing on the beach at the beginning of The Leisure Hive--and they were bored! Of course, it goes back to the point that the TARDIS always takes the Doctor where he is needed.

don't forget that this was actually a Giant Sized Alternative Ace from another universe

Dunno if it WAS, actually. My recent act of inexplicable self-harm rereading of Loving the Alien sort-of implied she's the real Ace who just happened to pop through to the other universe before getting her brains blown out. Despite, er, getting her brains blown out. *Shrugs*

Staggeringly average

Excellent description, I'll bear it in mind for future reviews...

And is Daniel O'Mahony who responded to that point the same Daniel O'Mahony who plopped Dodo into bed with some guy with infectious results? Sweet innocent Dodo, and he seemed shocked about Ace?

That's him! He still maintains that the sexually-transmitted-disease-involving-brain-eating-maggots was BENEFICIAL to Dodo's health, though. Guess it's hard to tell since a) she got said brains blown out in Who Killed Kennedy despite b) turning up alive and well at Sarah's funeral in Farewell, Sarah Jane...