On the plus side, Nina does actually burst into tears when she enters the TARDIS. That's the sort of reaction people SHOULD have, the sort I'm fairly sure _I_ would have.
Ah, but if it were Enid Blyton then the Doctor and Ruth would be evil ('That man looks foreign - I'll call the police!') and Nina would have a gang of pals* and a pet dog to help her solve the mystery.
(* Or what Tat Wood would describe as a 'hoody mob').
And from the look of it, a jeans-wearing Doctor may soon be descending to save us all.
That's an ENTIRELY different matter. OF COURSE Eccy can wear jeans with his leather jacket if he so wishes. But MCGANN...they just WOULDN'T GO with velvet jackets and cravats.
It's not like I ENJOY hating stuff (well, not much). I was honestly hoping that this thing wasn't as bad as I remembered it. Obviously it IS as bad as I remembered it. Every excruciating moment of it. It's not the hijacking of Who to extol the joys of the ocean/benefits of donating to the Royal National Lifeboat Institution that I mind so much. It's the WRONGNESS of it all. Not, admittedly, RAGS-style wrongness, but a more subtle, this-writer-hasn't-got-much-of-a-clue-about-the-Whoniverse-and-hasn't-got-an-editor-strong-enough-to-rein-her-in-cos-she's-a-"proper"-author feeling that permeates the whole pointless experience.
It is entirely possible that I hate ocean-obsessed books/audios/TV episodes as much as I hate snow-obsessed books/audios/TV episodes. Certainly my heart sank at the opening line of the Foreword: 'I'm a sucker for the English seaside.'
Speaking of that Foreword, someone should break the news to Stephen Gallagher that Terminus was not a 'series'. A 'story', a 'serial', a 'godawful pile of ••••', yes. But NOT, thanks be to the gods of Ragnarok, 'the television series called Terminus.'
There's just so much DESCRIPTION of everything. And I find description REALLY BORING. Probably due to being reared on a diet of televised Who which just didn't DO description.
'There were one or two odd symptoms...His hands, for instance. They were covered with a rash of some kind' - OK, it's at this point that Steve should have totally freaked out. Given that he has the same rash as his suddenly-and-inexplicably-dead pal. Instead of which, he doesn't bat an eyelid. Are the Cornish particularly gormlessly-inbred, or something? It takes a few pages before Steve 'wondered idly [!!!] if [his rash] was the same thing Charlie had had'...and even then he doesn't go further than thinking he ought to see the doctor. Something he signally fails to do during the subsequent continuation of said rash, pallor, chronic fatigue, etc...
All within a few pages: 'She had an immovable gut instinct' 'Every instinct she possessed set up a tingling alarm' 'Something was going on, she was certain of it now' 'Nina was unshakably convinced' - ALRIGHT! I GET THE MESSAGE! NINA HAS AN INSTINCT! You can shut up about it now!
'In her experience subterfuge usually worked better than openness' - really? Everything ELSE about this book suggests that Nina is totally rubbish at lying. Her brother's flatmate, for instance, says that 'You know how obvious it is when she's trying one of her stunts'.
'The last week had been dry, and as a result [Ruth] had forgotten about rain' - er...I'M SORRY?! If I was visiting a world that rained down flesh-eating acid on a regular basis I'd be HIGHLY UNLIKELY to forget this fact just cos Mr Sunshine Had His Hat On for the last few days...
Why, exactly, does Nina go for the 'It's all your girlfriend's fault!' rather than the 'Go to your GP!' method of (unsuccessfully) persuading her brother that HE'S REALLY ILL?
OK, list of things that are WRONG when the (Eighth) Doctor does them. Admittedly ANY of these, taken on its own, would be QUITE acceptable, but together they form a hideous mass of slightly-wrong-ness:
He rents a holiday cottage.
He puts a supermarket plastic bag in the bin of his holiday cottage.
He wears jeans.
He fully accepts that a teenage girl would be wary of being alone in a room with him.
He drinks lots of wine. (Admittedly I may be unduly influenced by the I-thought-it-would-be-more-like-wine-gums Matt Smith era.)
He attempts to feed a seventeen-year-old girl alcohol. ('He had already ordered wine' 'Would you like a cup of tea? Or something stronger?' - again, I may be unduly influenced by Eleven's opinion that leaving-the-tea-bag-in-the-mug would constitute 'the strong stuff'.)
He eats meat (duck, to be precise).
His sonic screwdriver is completely befuddled by, er, rock.
He doesn't realise that maybe his sonic screwdriver can be completely befuddled by rock (yes, it takes a not-very-bright teenager to work THAT one out).
Despite spending weeks pointlessly trailing Ruth, he doesn't realise that she never goes near the water. And never appears when it's raining. Until a gormless teenager points it out.
He refers to 'our atmosphere' like he's a native of Earth.
He says things like 'I understand your concern for your sister, Steve, but I assure you, there's nothing to worry about' like he REALISES that the guy is thinking they're having sex.
He looks like he's actually going to hand Steve back the pendant that's killing him, rather than face the 'HELLO! ALIENS!' conversation.
He says that 'If I'm going to use the TARDIS to get Ruth out, I have to have an accurate bearing, or we could materialise in the middle of solid rock'!!
'The Doctor...switched from English to a series of rapid clickings. Ruth's alien language...' - yeah, RIGHT.
He refers to someone as 'This poor soul'.
He 'curses' at delays.
He wouldn't DREAM of leaving even the most casual acquaintance without a prolonged farewell. Nina being SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than, say, Sarah Jane Smith. ('You came back, you came back!' 'Of course I did. Did you expect anything else?')
And so on. And on. And on.
'Nina waited, listening intently for any sound from inside. There was nothing, and she began to hope that maybe the jelly-baby man was out, and had simply left a light on for security' - and THIS is enough to make her BREAK INTO HIS HOME?!
Nina hasn't eaten? And yet her parents - whilst complaining about her failure to wash up after supper - didn't notice/comment on this fact?
'The furthest humans have ever gone is the Moon' - ahem! AMBASSADORS OF DEATH, anyone?!
'I don't know [Ruth] had anything to do with Charlie's death. As I said last night, it's only a surmise' - yeah, cos when you tell a teenager you have to find Ruth 'before she kills anyone else' of course they'll realise it's just a surmise.
If an alien tourist arrives on Earth, the TARDIS instruments detect an anomaly in the space-time continuum?
'You've saved me an enormous headache, Nina. And a great deal of time' - er...HOW? This is BEFORE Nina makes any of her oh-so-helpful contributions to the Doctor's knowledge of the situation. Like mentioning the alien wreckage.
'And tell me - have you ever come across the term, "tourists"?' the Doctor asks an early-twenty-first-century girl LIVING ON THE BRITISH SEA-SIDE. Look, it's one thing for the Doctor to have this utterly-unconvincing level of gormlessness in The Lodger (cos The Lodger is fun) but HERE...?!
'The people of Ruth's world were highly technologically advanced - the Doctor had visited on a number of occasions, and had seen for himself' - he HAD? And yet totally failed to identify said species from the 'anomaly' that had dragged him to Earth in the first place?
'"Not a sign." He sighed. "A great pity. It seems like such an obvious location: almost the only one possible, in fact. But this device is accurate, and extremely powerful. If Ruth or her spatial gate were in there, it would pick them up"' - er...except that the sonic has been signally failing to pick up ANY alien signals FOR BLOODY WEEKS. WHEN YOU KNOW THERE'S AN ALIEN AND HER SPATIAL GATE AROUND THE PLACE. YOU CRETIN.
'The light's going. It'll be dark soon' - ah. You said earlier that it doesn't get dark till 10pm. And you came to see the Doctor at 7.15pm-ish. Are you SERIOUSLY trying to suggest that the Doc and Nina had a cosy chat for, like, THREE HOURS when it seemed to the misfortunate reader that it was more like five minutes?
Especially as it then transpires that the Doctor DIDN'T HAVE TIME to convey a vital fact to Nina. Viz, that the pendant that he'd got her to nick from her brother was, in fact, the key to getting Ruth home. Something you'd think could have been conveyed FAIRLY QUICKLY even in a two-minute conversation (never mind a THREE-HOUR one) with an abnormally-curious teenager WHO SHOULD HAVE ASKED ABOUT THE PENDANT SHE'D NICKED FOR HIM.
If Ruth's 'too frightened' to use the key ANYWAY (yeah, cos her REALLY NICE parents are just SO ferocious) why does she spend so long looking for it?
Given that when Ruth stops attacking her she keeps shrieking at her to go, why DOESN'T Nina take this marvellous opportunity to go...and fetch the Doctor?
'I'm sorry. But I don't really have any other choice.' - Well, THAT'S funny, Doctor. Cos with MY mere human brain I'm thinking you've got TWO other choices. a) You can respect Ruth's clearly-expressed wish to die. Or b) now you know where the cave where she may-or-may-not-be-dying is, you can work out its grid reference, nip back to the TARDIS, and ensure you land there without materialising in solid rock *pause to roll eyes despairingly*. Hurling yourself suicidally off a cliff instead is just REALLY REALLY stupid. And embarrassing. You have to be rescued by the coastguards, for heaven's sake.
'As she ran she snatched out her mobile phone and punched in the 999 emergency code' - what, people have GOT mobiles in those days?! Why the hell didn't they USE THEM EARLIER??
'Nina glanced at her watch. Five past seven' - say WHAT! You really weren't exaggerating about the 'she had no idea how much time passed before Ruth's emotional storm blew itself out' stuff, were you. Like, NINE HOURS of emotional storm...
'"There won't be a rescue with you on board! You don't know what to do - you'd kill the lot of us!" All the ingrained instincts of his training were telling him to take Nina straight back to shore...She was a potential danger to the rescue; she was also his sister, and he couldn't stop himself from caring more for her safety than for that of a stranger. And...he would be breaking every rule in the book by taking an untrained, inexperienced, under-age individual on a shout' - er, QUITE. So why DID Nina jeopardise the rescue of the Doctor and Ruth by smuggling herself aboard? What did she think she could achieve that a trained lifeboat-crewmember wouldn't...and what made her so sure her very presence wouldn't be what resulted in two people's deaths as her brother obeyed his training and turned the stupid boat round?
In fact, even the author admits at the end that 'In the real world, though, the skilled and courageous volunteers who crew the life-boats would react to Nina's trickery in a very different way' - i.e. these marvellously courageous people would have left the Doctor (and Ruth) to DIE thanks to Nina's presence.
Apparently 'In a work of imagination, and for the sake of dramatic tension, [ignoring this fact] is just about allowable' - isn't that for the reader to say? And I'm thinking that in a book designed solely to bang on about the bloody ocean and its bloody lifeboat crews (it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to say about the Whoniverse) such a perversion of reality ISN'T acceptable. (Plus...imagination? dramatic tension? Who d'you think you're kidding?)
For something so dull, shallow, pointless, childish...there are an awful lot of cries of '••••!' to try and persuade us how ADULT it is.
'Don't let her get wet. It's vital that the water doesn't touch her' - er...if Ruth wasn't well-wrapped-up she'd've be dead BEFORE she was carried out of the boat. My sailing days are a distant memory, but even I know that the passengers of a small open boat on a stormy sea tend to suffer from A LOT OF SEA-SPRAY.
'All that mattered was to reach the cottage and do what needed to be done. And time was leaching away from him at a horrifying speed...even seconds could be the crucial factor in her hope of survival. He kicked the cottage's garden gate open with a force that nearly tore it off its hinges...cursing as he fumbled for the key...another delay, maddening, nerve-racking...minutes he did not have...his brain shifted into top gear...time was flowing like a flooded river and everything seemed to take forever...' etc etc etc...a) what's the fuss about? Why shouldn't a suicidal, killer-alien actually get to reap the results of her own actions, and b) well if you're in such a hurry DON'T STOP TO WRITE A NOTE AND LEAVE MONEY AND SUCHLIKE.
'You're soaking wet...Must've been the spray on the way back' - aha! So there WAS spray! Also, why would the authorities interrogate a teenager (not suspected of any actual CRIME) for forty-five minutes without noticing that she's soaked to the skin? (To be fair, SHE didn't notice either *shakes head despairingly*)
If Nina's the burst-into-tears-at-the-sight-of-the-TARDIS-interior, the-sense-of-loss-was-almost-too-much-to-bear when the Doc left, WHY - when he frankly unconvincingly turned up again - didn't she beg to GO WITH HIM? Or just stowaway the way she did on the lifeboat?
So what about the key that Nina chucked into the sea? What if it washes ashore/some diver finds it? People could DIE!! (Of course, without the *winces* ore blocking the readings, the Doctor should be able to locate it with ease...only he never did during all that time it was bobbing in the ore-free sea, and he obviously can't be bothered to try NOW.)
On the plus side, Nina does actually burst into tears when she enters the TARDIS. That's the sort of reaction people SHOULD have, the sort I'm fairly sure _I_ would have.
Obviously I take it all back, the thing to do is scream 'Oh. My, God! Oh, it's bigger! On the inside! Than it is! On the outside! My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever!'
Or words to that effect.
He 'curses' at delays.
To be fair, this sort of thing happens in a LOT of books.
'The furthest humans have ever gone is the Moon' - ahem! AMBASSADORS OF DEATH, anyone?!
SJA: Warriors of Kudlak did canonise the stupid idea that we've never been further than the Moon even though WE ALL SAW IT.
If an alien tourist arrives on Earth, the TARDIS instruments detect an anomaly in the space-time continuum?
Gods help her after THE DOCTORS HAND OUR PLANET OVER TO THE ZYGONS.