I went through the entire book expecting Sabbath to turn up at any moment. Alas, it was not to be...

Sorry, Daniel!

I thought I'd give people a break from the chap.

Nick W

God bless you, Nick. ;-)

This novel has the same mother of all nits shared with "Anachrophobia;" namely, that rapidly speeding/slowing of time would be perceived by the victim. In RE, 40 years passes in an instant for everyone on Earth. People are unaware of the passage of time, but their bodies are dramatically affected. Why is this? Why would the mind not be affected as well. I'm assuming this is for plot reasons; having someone living their life normally for 40 years while the outside world doesn't would be dull reading.

But let's say that we overlook this problem. You're still left with an ICBN--starvation and/or dying of thirst. We know that everyone's bodies contained to grow. Since bodies are growing, bodies need food. Some how people survived 40 years without eating or drinking, and somehow their bodies grew without taking in food (and somehow they didn't suffocate when their mouths filled with blood and rotting baby teeth...).

I, like Emily, am having a hard time believing that there would be anyone left alive after 160 years. Since 40 years passed, virtually every female still alive at that time would be either (a) too old to still be able to bear children, or (b) too mentally young/insane to understand how to have sex (or give birth without dying).

Also, since all animal life is dead, there should have been a dramatic and negative impact on plant life. Most plant life is dependent upon animal life for fertilization and seed spreading. Trees might have survived, but virtually all flowering plants would be wiped out. The effect would have been more severe than even that of a nuclear winter. Maybe plant life would have rebounded after 160 years, but in that time I would have expected that the already traumatized, uneducated, and reduced population would have died off from starvation.

Oh, and the Wildren....hate to break it to you, Nick, but man can not live by cannibalism alone (and I don't care what Mick Lewis thinks...). Living on a diet of meat alone would result in scurvy, rickets, beri beri, and a host of other vitamin deficiency related health issues. Any Wildren left alive would be so weak and unhealthy as to be no threat at all. If the remaining sane people wanted to end the threat, they'd only need to remain inside their forts for a month or so, then venture outside in large parties to kill off the remaining weakened Wildren.

Okay, I'm on a roll here. According to the book, the time change in 1843 killed about 95% of the population. Those left alive were mostly children at the onset, so it's safe to say that the average mental age of the survivors is about 10-15 years old.

But let's ignore that bit, and look at some statistics. The population of Britain in the 1840's was roughly 24 million; remove 95% and you're left with about 1.2 million people. In the 1840's, due to the primitive state of medicine, hygiene, and so on, population growth was actually at a negative, at about -12%. If we apply pre-Cleansing rates to the number of survivors, you have total extinction of human life in Britain in about 9 years. Given that, following the collapse of civilization would accelerate the the death rate, and that a large portion of the population would be too mentally young to even feed itself, I suspect extinction would occur much earlier than that.

Good story though, wasn't it?

Nick W

Yes, it is. Can't resist the nitpicking, though. It's in my blood.

it's safe to say that the average mental age of the survivors is about 10-15 years old. I don't have the book around at the moment, but I thought it was even younger - that under-5s became Wildren, 5 to 10-year-olds Citizens, and anyone else dead as a dodo. (Which in itself is odd - I'd've thought that the rapid-aging process would be EASIER on youngish adults rather than kids, as at least they wouldn't have to endure their flesh and bones expanding so hideously rapidly.) But in any case, there's no way, with no medicine and precious little food, the 'nice' survivors - with a minimum age of 45 - could have a) produced, and b) reared to adulthood, enough children to perpetuate the species. And, whilst unlike Mike I suspect the Wildren WOULD have got the hang of sex pretty fast, the chance of them producing viable offspring is even more remote.

So why did it have to be 40 years? Just cos it's the 40th anniversary year for Who? 20 would have been a lot easier to swallow.

OK, other issues:

The TARDIS rolling back time to make everything alright again is NOT my favourite kind of idea (god, what a cop-out!) but is far more allowable here than in the telemovie, owing to the Utopia Machine link.

Why is the Doctor such a liar? What's the point of telling Anji 'No I haven't got any plan, honest, Anj' even AFTER she's overheard him talk to Brunel about the plan? Does he think she'll shop him to the bad guy? And why lie to Gottlieb about what he wanted to hook him up to the TARDIS for? It's not as if Gottlieb OR the Doctor knew it would kill him.

Why does the Doctor take so many unnecessary risks? He undertakes a daring night escape from Totterdown (getting someone KILLED in the process!) and why? 'Because they might - shock, horror - _throw me out of town!_ Oh no!' And then he uses the TARDIS to get into Malahyde's house - something he actually ADMITS is an insane risk - rather than just, say, climb over the wall. (OK, I know there are guards. But he's the DOCTOR, he can deal with 'em.)

And having taken all these risks to get to Malahyde – why not bother questioning him properly? The Doctor already knew that things had started to go wrong before Year Nought, yet he couldn't be bothered to take 30 seconds to get the necessary information out of Malahyde. Nope, he just popped back to 1843 to put things 'right' even though he knew that a) this wouldn't solve the problem cos history had already diverged, and b) his interference could be what caused the whole Cleansing in the first place. And then when he arrives in 1843, he's only got minutes to spare! Couldn't he have programmed the TARDIS to give him a few days' grace to investigate, at least?

What kind of bloke IS Robin? He'll leave his beloved to rot with Malahyde for ten long years without sending her so much as a postcard (OK, I DO realise there are a few practical problems where postcard-sending is concerned) and THEN he stalks her relentlessly, not seeming to care whether he lives or dies as long as he can obsess about Aboetta. And as for her...one minute it's 'Hey Mr Malahyde, I'm off now, I may be back or I may not bother ever seeing you again, bye' and within a couple of days she's passionately in love with him? To the extent that she doesn't bat an eyelid when he confesses to wiping out the human race?

Fitz seems totally normal in Timeless and Emotional Chemistry, so I'm assuming he must have got his 'proper' memories back in Last Resort, thank god. Really, hasn't that poor boy had enough messing with his mind, heart, body, biodata and memories to last a dozen lifetimes?

Half the time the book seems to be hinting that Fitz and Anji have feelings for one another (personally I blame Time Zero for this nonsense), the other half they (not to mention the Doctor!) don't give a toss when informed that their precious has been ripped to pieces in the vortex/abandoned in a destroyed reality, etc.

What's the POINT of Brunel? And he has a rather odd reaction to the Cleansing. Why doesn't he go looking for his own kids, for a start?

*Sigh* OK, Anji and Gottlieb. His 'Every woman I've had I've taken by force but you're too good for that Anji' is somewhat unconvincing, to put it mildly. And then she LETS the filthy rapist put his arms around her! Admittedly they're about to die of hypothermia, so I'm not saying it's impossible (though I think on balance I'd take the hypothermia, thanks. And it's not as if Anji realises she's in a book and a extra few minutes of life will give the TARDIS time to arrive and rescue her (luckily she also doesn't realise that the Doctor has completely written her off)).

And then there's Anji's reaction to Gottlieb's death. I don't blame her for being a bit miffed, what with it being HER in that chair hooked up to the TARDIS and risking death at liar-Doctor's hands only minutes earlier, but...why the fuss about a 'decent' burial? What's so decent about dumping someone in the ground for maggots to eat anyway? Is it worth risking the future of the universe for? Why can't it wait a few hours - just bung him in the fridge (he'd appreciate the irony, he's a cannibal for god's sake. In fact, his idea of a good send-off probably entails apple sauce.)

Fitz. The Doctor's faithful friend and Companion for far longer than the Doctor can actually remember. Yet the Doctor allows him to destroy himself by leaving him behind in a doomed, not to mention deeply unpleasant, reality? The Doctor's got good grounds for believing Fitz's 'I love Totterdown!' attitude isn't altogether of Fitz's own free will (though admittedly it's not as if Fitz hasn't done almost equally insane stuff for no readily apparent reason before, like his Siberian trek). Yet the Doctor doesn't even THINK about punching him and dragging him into the TARDIS until it's too late. I mean, it's not as if the Doc hasn't kidnapped people before – Ian and Barbara in An Unearthly Child, Ace in Nightshade - and not even for their own good either! And to cap it, he doesn't even hang around for FIVE MINUTES to let the poor moron change his mind (a process which took considerably less than five minutes, as it happens).

But hey, I'm not saying it wasn't ENJOYABLE. The lack of Sabbath makes up for a lot, for a start. Not that I don't LIKE the character of Sabbath (when Lawrence is writing for him, anyway) but dear god, he was getting to be like Season Eight's Master.

I'm not sure that a 20 year acceleration would have presented quite the same clean break suggested by the book. As it stands, a healthy 40 year old is probably going to die of shock on instantaneously turning 80; but trauma aside, a healthy 40 year old could easily end up as a healthy 60 year old. The Cleansing would still have been a huge catastrophe but there would be a great deal more survivors who had been adults to begin with.

The key word is "healthy." Life expectency was much shorter in those days, for a variety of reasons. Many people before the Cleansing would have already had pre-existing medical conditions that would leave them succeptible to dying from the shock of rapid aging, be it 20 years or 40. The resultant lack of readily available foodstuffs after the Cleansing wouldn't have helped much, either.

I'm nitpicking this while I reading it, so I just came upon the passage which says that some insect life survived. This could be almost as catastrophic as the Cleansing itself. If a species suddenly finds itself in a place with no predators, there will be a resultant burst in population growth (think rabbits in Australia). So if, say, crickets survived but none of their natural predators, they would soon grow in population until they consumed all available foodstuff, food that people need to eat.

Okay, I'm finished now. Sorry, Nick, but I'll have to downgrade it to "not so good." The book really fell apart in the last half. I just don't understand why the Doctor didn't do a bit more research before he nipped back in time to try to stop the Cleansing. And why did he land so close the cut-off point? Why not give himself an additional day or so to do some investigating, and maybe, oh I don't know, get his facts straight before he rushed in?

I totally agree with Emily and her comments on Anji's bizarre affection for the cannibal. Why did it make any difference that he got buried? And, considering that she's Hindi, wouldn't she have preferred cremation instead?

I understand that Fitz's new opinion about the rightness of the post-Cleansing timeline was not his own, but I really felt like it was arbitrarily thrown in to make us, the reader, question the Doctor's urge to "right" the time line. If that was the case, it didn't work. There is no frikkin' way you could ever convince me that this time-line was "better" than the original one. The Doctor should have just ignored Fitz and gone about his business.

What exactly was the point of including I.K. Brunnel in this book? Just to have a Star Trek-type red shirt to get killed, instead of a main character?

How exactly is Trix able to continually wander around the TARDIS and not get noticed by the crew? And why is she hiding anyway?

My owner sez:

Because there wouldn't have been a story otherwise. [Joke! There was a reason but I can't quite recall it, it is in there but it's 2 years since I wrote RE and can't recall the details. Once it's done that's it, on to the next thing, that's me. Which will be 2 episodes of the RTD thing.]

Anji found decency within Gottlieb, that was the point of that.

Arbitary my arse. Fitz's biodata was corrupted cos he stayed too long in the reality. That's why the Doctor had to abandon him or he would have joined the reality, him and the TARDIS. And then everything would have been really fucked, cos the Doctor is the only bloke who can fix it.

Brunel is in there because he's a great character and pairing him up with the Doctor afforded some interesting characterisation.

Trix is beyond my control really and subsequent books explain her. I like her though and think she's a shot in the arm for the range rather like Compassion was.

Anyway adios Nitpickers, glad I've provided a book so rich in nits!

Nick Walters

Now when is the bastard going to feed me? Catnip... catnip...

Pebbles! Get away from that 'owner' IMMEDIATELY! The unspeakable fiend MURDERED EVERY CAT ON EARTH!!! EVERY innocent little oochie!!! (And to think I thought DANIEL was bad when it came to moggie-bashing).

I could understand why the Doctor didn't go back for Fitz for fear of getting caught in that reality, but I don't see why he couldn't have knocked Fitz out and dragged him into the TARDIS the minute he opened his big gob and proclaimed his desire to become a Totterdowner.

No-one is blaming you for Trix! In fact, your Trix is a lot less annoying that any of the other Trixes I've encountered, probably because you resisted the temptation to have her slapping latex all over her face for no readily apparent reason every two minutes.

RTD thing...you don't mean...YOU'RE writing for the new series???!!!! Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You happy, lucky, blessed, god-like being!!! Just make dammed sure they're at the Yquatine rather than the Dominion end of your spectrum, OK? And remember...NO SEX FOR THE DOCTOR.

No, RTD stands for Relative Tardis Dimensions.

Sorry for any confusion ;->

Happy New Year!

Nick W

It took me four weeks to grind through this which should give you an idea of what I thought of it. I had to keep checking to make sure the name 'Paul Leonard' wasn't on the cover. It was an OK build-up and then, as Mike points out, it completely fell apart in the latter half. Brunel seemed to be there for much the same reason Blake appeared in 'The Pit' - because the author wanted that person crowbarred into the plot regardless of how well it fitted the story. And if I'm comparing a book against 'The Pit' then it's in trouble!

The whole 'Oh Doctor, you've killed all those people. No, they never really existed. But they still exist for me because I knew them' tripe is simply regurgitating the type of stuff from the early NAs when inexperienced authors got their hands on some new toys.

It's a woeful book which reminds me why I gave up reading them a few years ago.

The whole 'Oh Doctor, you've killed all those people. No, they never really existed. But they still exist for me because I knew them' tripe is simply regurgitating the type of stuff from the early NAs when inexperienced authors got their hands on some new toys.

I don't remember that in the early NAs...mind you, I don't actually remember the early NAs...

Fingernails 'like twisting claws' - but surely not with forty years-worth of growth?

It's LOW TIDE so instead of taking a boat they walk through a city swaming with violent cannibals? Why not...*drumroll*...WAIT TILL HIGH TIDE? I mean, it's not like Aboetta has a chance in hell of getting to her father before he dies ANYWAY, and surely even after waiting for a few hours they'd get there just as soon in the boat, oh, and also they'd be ALIVE instead of...y'know...DEAD AND DEVOURED.

'Aboetta shrugged, wishing she'd had more time to plan this journey' - so why not TAKE the time to plan? Surely her society has expressions like 'more haste, less speed' or whatever?

Why does Malahyde let Aboetta go on this stupid journey anyway? Why let the woman he loves take a stroll among homicidal maniacs to see her ex and her dad who'll be dead by the time she gets there and discover Malahyde's a world-destroying pathological liar instead of just, well, not passing on the dying-dad message? Oh, and have I mentioned that two men are dead already because everyone is indulging in this little fit of deathbed sentimentality? And it's only due to the billion-to-one chance of the TARDIS turning up in the exact right time n'place (in the wrong universe!) that stops Aboetta being toast too.

'It sounded like the breath of the Devil himself' - someone destroy this sick universe IMMEDIATELY! It's the sound of the universe, the sound of hope...

'"It is odd," mused the Doctor, "that a white denizen of twenty-first century Bristol should be fazed by the sight of someone from a different ethnic background."' - Firstly I prefer the Doc when he's blissfully impervious to anyone's ethnic background and Companions actually have to explain to him that they're black (a la Martha in Shakespeare Code) and secondly, THAT'S what you find odd?! Not, say, the SWARMING CANNIBALS AND RUINED CITY?

'We should question her' - well DUH, how come Anji doesn't think of this sooner and the Doctor and Fitz don't think of this at all? They all just go rabbiting on about what could have caused history to go wrong without questioning the bloody native who's RIGHT THERE and who owes 'em her life...

So if there are hundreds of alt-unis then the Vortex will collapse and it'll be The End? Well there ARE hundreds of alt-unis (I may not remember much about the hundreds-of-alt-unis arc but I remember THAT much). Yet it's tragically NOT The End until New Who arrives to put the EDAs out of their misery...

'Crime within Totterdown itself was virtually non-existent, limited to the occasional drunken brawl, adultery and petty theft' - really? What's so great about this malnurished society that they've almost managed to abolish crime? (Well, it's a sexist society so I suppose it's designating marital rape and wife-beating as non-crimes?)

'A decade I've waited for this kiss' - it never occurred to Robin to go see Aboetta?

This subsistence society has headstone-engravers?

And makes beer and wine despite its near-starving situation?

People are pointing and laughing at Anji? Why didn't they try TALKING to the exotic strangers? They could be the best entertainment the poor gits have had for YEARS.

'You know why he wants you back. He has no heir' - the Chief Elder thinks Malahyde would wait TEN YEARS to propose to Aboetta?

'Rather big for just the two of you' - why does the Doctor assume it's just the two of them?

Why doesn't Aboetta just ask her own people for an escort across the city? (Or, far better, aboard a boat?)

'Seems a bit of a pointless thing for a God to do, kill off most of his creation' - has Fitz never heard the story of NOAH'S ARK?

'He hated to admit it to himself, but he was beginning to feel unsettled' - beginning?! Shouldn't Fitz have been feeling unsettled for this whole book, nay, his whole life?

'Talk of "real realities" was beginning to annoy Fitz' - him and everyone else. Who thought it was a good basis for an entire story-arc?

'Almost everyone in the world growing old and dying in less time than it took to light a cigarette and take the first grateful drag' - it takes over forty seconds to light a cigarette?!

'But was it really any worse than the world Fitz and Anji called their own?' - er...YES IT WAS.

'Perhaps a world with drastically fewer people in it had more chance than the over-populated world he and Anji knew' - look, no one is more desperate to get the population down than me (and I've been called 'Nazi!' enough times to prove it) but even I draw the line at, y'know, ageing practically everyone to death to do it, besides, Fitz's time WASN'T particularly over-populated and what's the POINT of preserving a planet with no cats and doesn't Fitz - unlike us - actually KNOW that Earth will survive its unfortunate experiment in humans-breeding-like-sodding-rabbits?

Geez, you'd think at least the guards would inquire as to why their fellow guards have failed to return...

'How did all that happen? Why has the human race become so superstitious?' the Doctor ASKS A PRIEST.

'A rather otiose question, Doctor. It seems obvious that an event of such magnitude would stir up the fearful, credulous side of human nature'- always a bad sign when you find yourself siding with the homicidal rapist against the Doctor...

'Surely he would not have left [the door] unlocked overnight? Something must be wrong' - oh YA THINK!!! IN ADDITION to everyone you knew ageing by ten years in a few months, you mean...?!

Why is no one more suspicious about the Doctor, Fitz and Anji knowing sod-all about the Cleansing and its aftermath?

'Although I am a priest, I am a rational man. I believe in a rational God' - *shrieks with laughter* a rational God is more of a contradiction in terms than military intelligence and it's astonishing the Doctor doesn't feel the need to point this out - 'No God would cause something as sweeping and unilateral as the Cleansing' - guess Fitz isn't the only one who's never heard of Noah's Ark...

To be continued...

'Watched with horror as skinny, rag-clothed, grey-skinned creatures - dozens, maybe even hundreds of them - came pouring, running and scampering' - never mind the difficulty of conceiving and bearing a child in your forties in even the most favourable of circumstances (one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage even for the young and healthy and not the STARVING AND VIRTUALLY BRAIN-DEAD). How did said babies stay alive AFTERWARDS when surrounded by cannibals in search of a juicy snack? I mean, the average life expectancy of a baby for most of human history (ALL of which was more favourable than this particular situation) was TEN YEARS OLD.

Why the hell isn't Gottlieb armed? He's a homicidal maniac and gang-leader wandering around a cannibal-filled post-apocalyptic landscape. (Plus I believe the Bible said that priests shouldn't go round smiting people with swords but said absolutely nothing about guns, almost as if an omniscient God had totally failed to foresee the invention of such things.)

'In one swift movement he drew his right hand back, formed his fingers into points and jabbed fowards into the creature's eyes' - ah yes, I was wondering how long it would be before the Obligatory Who Novel Eye-Gouging...

'The thought of being alone in this world was too much to bear. She had to believe the Doctor and Fitz had escaped, for her sanity's sake if nothing else' - Anji's not quite THIS selfish, SURELY? (Admittedly her Doctor IS some amnesiac loser not, y'know, DAVID TENANNT or anything.)

'Fitz winced as the Doctor swung the pipe with deadly accuracy' - yeah well, HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE - 'saw it connect with a Wildren's skull with a sharp crack. Saw the Wildren tumble to the ground, a jet of blood staining the cobbles.' - Is it hypocritical of me - in view of Our Hero's lifestyle - to really, really want writers to avoid this sort of thing? - 'Its fellows stumbled over the body, seemingly unconcerned,' - why the hell didn't they just EAT IT instead of going for a difficult if well-nourished target - 'and made straight for the Doctor. The Doctor swung again, roaring in anger and horror' - DOES the Doctor roar in anger and horror?

'The dead bodies of the creatures the Doctor had killed' - is this the most number of people Our Hero has personally slaughtered in combat?

'By the time Fitz had recovered, the Doctor had already passed him, swimming with powerful strokes' - you BASTARD Doctor! You KNOW Fitz can't swim cos HE'S JUST TOLD YOU!

(Alright, so as it happens Fitz manages to swim to the other side of the river despite, y'know, not being able to swim but that's not the POINT.)

'As well as regaining his second heart, the Doctor also seemed to have regained his homing instinct for the TARDIS' - when did he ever have a homing instinct for the TARDIS?

'I'm going to go to Malahyde's estate, and I'm going to get Aboetta back' - aaand the Doctor responds by telling Robin how physically impossible it is to climb a wall into Malahyde's guarded estate and not, say, by explaining that Aboetta CHOSE to return to Malahyde and that her ex has absolutely no right to storm in there and drag her back to the town she's just gone to life-endangering lengths to escape?

'It went against everything I have ever learned, and ever believed. To know that the human race would evolve beyond the need for God - would virtually become God - seemed like heresy' - and yet you were A-OK with accepting the whole 'evolution' thing? In 1831??

'I knew someone like you once. Enjoyed eating people's livers with fava beans and a nice bottle of wine' - who is Anji talking about?
And if Anji knows a real cannibal, why is she suddenly obsessing about Hannibal Lecter a few paragaphs later? (Or is HE the real cannibal she met? I thought he was a film or something?)

'Gottlieb was no monster. He was plainly, prosaically, and infinitely more tragically, a man, a man made by this world for this world' - well, funnily enough, loads of men in this world DIDN'T become serial rapists so this point doesn't really stand up to scrutiny.

'There was even a breeding programme, so we would always have a fresh supply of meat' - surely breeding humans for meat would be an incredibly slow and inefficient way of going about getting sufficient protein?

Why do ALL of Gottlieb's gang eye up Anji with 'food!' not 'rape!' in mind?

'The wall around the estate was five miles in circumference - and unless Malahyde had hundreds of men under his command, there was no way that he could keep watch on every inch of it' - er...QUITE, which makes the Doctor's (THE DOCTOR'S!) claim that it was impossible to sneak onto Malahyde's estate without taking the 'immensely, terribly, insanely dangerous' option of using Sexy rather odd.

'As far as anyone knew Malahyde's Estate Guards numbered perhaps thirty, maybe even as many as fifty' - where did he get 'em from? How do they keep up their numbers given that there are no female guards (or signs of wives)? Why not keep a few of 'em indoors so the turnover will be less high...?

'Then I would never have been born.' 'Yes you would. You would have been born, twenty years ago, into a better world' - no she wouldn't. It's a virtual impossibility that generations of people would have had sex with the same partner at the same moment irrespective of whether or not most of the human race had been aged to death.

Even Aboetta works out that Watchlar is evil, cruel - why does it never occur to Malahyde that the whole wiping-out-humanity thing might not just have been a misfortunate accident?

'Gottlieb swung round in the chair, gripping the arms, almost snarling at Malayhde, "It is your fault the world is like this! Your fault almost everyone in the world died! Your fault those who survived had to grub for existence, starved of meat, of civilisation, of progress!"' - now THAT'S the sort of response he SHOULD have to this bombshell (give or take his odd claim there's no meat - he's ALWAYS tucking into tasty humans). So why, two paragraphs earlier, was his response to SMILE and say 'Then I was right - it was not an act of God'?

'The Doctor groaned and put his head in his hands. "Oh Malahyde, you believed this? Have you never heard the word paradox?' - I dunno, WOULD a bad poet in the 1830s have heard the word 'paradox'?

'"Is there any chance she's alive?" "If she's in the Vortex, no." If. But where else could she be?' - why not ASK THE DOCTOR THAT PARTICULAR QUESTION, Fitz? Instead of waiting a few pages, vaguely suggesting they try to rescue her, and getting fobbed off with a ripped-to-pieces-by-Time-Winds response that totally fails to address the whole SHE MIGHT NOT BE IN THE VORTEX issue.

To be continued...

one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage even for the young and healthy and not the STARVING AND VIRTUALLY BRAIN-DEAD

Actually, 4 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. However, most of those happen very early during pregnancy, and the only indication it happened at all is that the woman's period is a few weeks late.

'I knew someone like you once. Enjoyed eating people's livers with fava beans and a nice bottle of wine' - who is Anji talking about?
And if Anji knows a real cannibal, why is she suddenly obsessing about Hannibal Lecter a few paragaphs later? (Or is HE the real cannibal she met? I thought he was a film or something?)

Well, Hannibal IS the one who ate someone's liver with fava beans and a nice bottle of chianti in that movie, so she MUST have been talking about him.

4 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage

Blimey. The fundamentalists really ought to leave Planned Parenthood alone and take this up with the Great Aborter In The Sky.

Well, Hannibal IS the one who ate someone's liver with fava beans and a nice bottle of chianti in that movie, so she MUST have been talking about him.

Why on Earth would Anji say she KNEW him? There's absolutely no indication that Anji - unlike, say, ME - has issues separating fact from so-called fiction, so was there an unseen adventure in which the Doctor dropped in on his old chum Hannibal, or what?

'"Is there any chance she's alive?" "If she's in the Vortex, no." If. But where else could she be?' - why not ASK THE DOCTOR THAT PARTICULAR QUESTION, Fitz? Instead of waiting a few pages, vaguely suggesting they try to rescue her, and getting fobbed off with a ripped-to-pieces-by-Time-Winds response that totally fails to address the whole SHE MIGHT NOT BE IN THE VORTEX issue.

Quite a few pages later...: 'The Doctor's next words chilled Fitz. "You'd be dragged into the Vortex." "Like Anji..." "Yes."' - so she HAS definitely been dragged into the Vortex! Not that either of you seem to be spending much time MOURNING her.

Quite a few pages after THAT...: 'The Doctor closed his eyes. Anji would have suffered a horrific death, her body torn apart by the energies in the Vortex, aged to death and then back to birth in the space of a nanosecond, her life eaten up and spat out and then eaten up and spat out again' - that sounds more like eternal torment than actual DEATH? Still, at least the Doc's actually taking the time to GIVE A TOSS about his poor dear Companion at last...'Trying not to dwell upon Anji's fate' - OK, obviously not, then.

Oh, and in the Foe From the Future audio Leela survived a trip through the Vortex by lassoing a giant grasshopper with the Fourth Doctor's Scarf and hitching a lift. Just sayin'.

'Fitz rubbed his aching knuckles. "If there's one thing I can [sic] stand it's bullies. Especially people who bully women"' - since when!

'••••, thought Fitz - there's no way I can beat this guy. That was my sole moment of bravery this year' - this YEAR? He's not TURLOUGH (and even Turlough must average a moment of life-risking heroism once a month or so), his LIFE is spent roaming the universe with the Doctor fighting monsters.

'Perhaps that was a good thing - without the internal combustion engine, without the pollutants and effluents of industry, without man's gradual enslavement to the machine, maybe the human race would retain its dignity' - since when has Fitz given a toss about DIGNITY? And if he does, well, the Wildren aren't exactly the epitome of dignity, Sunshine. Also, since when has he given a toss about Global Warming? And if he does, why has he never nagged the Doc into DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT? Just give US the calculations necessary to derive energy from the kinetic force of planetary movement, you git.

The Doctor and Fitz didn't think to ASK MALAHYDE about when history diverged so they could go back and stop it?

'It'll take time, but the human race's seed will wither and die. Humanity will never reach the stars, never make contact with other races, never achieve their full potential, not in this reality' - weird, cos I'd've said that one of the advantages of the Cleansing is that we won't swarm across the stars like a virus, slaughtering and being slaughtered by other species.

'The Doctor looked at him strangely. "Fitz, this isn't a parallel universe. This is the one universe, the quantum universe - our universe. There can only be one true history within it"' - CAN there, though? Whatever happened to temporal tipping points creating their own timelines like in Cold Blood...actually, never mind that cos it's rubbish, let's just concentrate on whether all the OTHER books in the Alternative-Universe arc realise that they're dealing with the same universe not parallel ones...? (Honestly, I did intend to read 'em all in one fell swoop in the hope of understanding what the hell was going on but alas I seem to require a recovery-time of AT LEAST six months between every alt-...er, SAME?-uni novel...)

'Fitz, you're not yourself, and I think it's something to do with what's going on' - no •••• Sherlock. So why exactly do you abandon your Best Chum to this hideous reality when he's off his head? Knock him out and DRAG him aboard the TARDIS if necessary! (Or at least have the courtesy to wait FIVE MINUTES in case he changes his mind, you git. It's not like, what with Anji being ripped apart in the Vortex (allegedly), you've got any spare pets LEFT.)

''The Doctor waited for a minute or so, in case Fitz changed his mind' - Geez, don't STRAIN yourself!

'He'd prove the Doctor wrong, or die in the screaming wastes of the Time Vortex' - even by the standards of the guy who thought walking to Siberia was a cool idea, this is an INCREDIBLY STUPID PLAN.

(Anyway, if this reality was written out of existence, why WOULD Fitz be dragged into the Vortex instead of just re-emerging in his real life in the real universe?)

Anji doesn't even carry a torch around with her? What sort of Companion IS she!

IS the Vortex 'the TARDIS's natural habitat'?

'If he went back to Year 160, went out into that reality, there was a danger that not only would the TARDIS become naturalised, but he himself too - then all would really be lost' - oh, I think a Time Lord and his TARDIS would be a LOT harder to rewrite than a mere human like Fitz (especially given that HE was created from malleable Remote biomass). And since when has danger stopped a Doctor from jumping in and SAVING HIS COMPANION?

'He had no idea what time of day the Cleansing had happened' - pretty stupid of him not to ask, and not to arrive a lot earlier to be on the safe side.

'He knew he wasn't quite human' - NOT QUITE HUMAN? That's all the Doc's been able to analyse about his own existence in over a hundred years? And yet this amnesiac idiot somehow considers himself an expert on alternative universes and the workings of the Space-Time Vortex?

'The Doctor seized his chance. "So he could be ill, or worse!" Now the old chap looked worried sick and the Doctor felt sorry for him' - SERIOUSLY? Unless the Doc gets this guy to let him in said guy is gonna age to death TODAY along with almost all the human race, then the universe is gonna implode or, er, something, and the Doc displays more emotion about hurting a-servant-who-he's-just-met's feelings than about the fact one of his Companions has been ripped to pieces by the Vortex today (allegedly) and the other is about to be?

'I've often been complimented on my bedside manner' - you HAVE, Doc? WHEN?

'There was a body lying in the hall' - um, shouldn't he have been safe INSIDE the house?

'The last thing the Doctor wanted right now was to get involved in a discussion of the workings of the TARDIS with Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Maybe when all this was over' - great idea Doc, it's not like THAT'S likely to bloody well change history, all over again...

To be continued...

'And now that we have young Malahyde, presumably history is safe?' - which bit of the Doctor telling him a couple of pages ago that 'When Watchlar tries again, he'll latch onto someone else' is Brunel too stupid to grasp?

'"Theoretically," said the Doctor' - blimey, now even THE DOCTOR'S too stupid to grasp what the Doctor said two pages ago...

'We're trapped in the Eternium - a universe on the point of death!' - oh don't worry, universes on the point of death take bloody AGES to die these days, no doing any sudden Big Crunches or anything...

The Doctor keeps his fridge in his console room? And he...GOES SHOPPING? For SCOTCH EGGS? Whatever happened to the Food Machine?

'The Doctor must have been busy, Obviously time-snatched Malahyde before he could build the Utopian Engine. She let out a long, sighing breath. So reality - her reality - was safe' - he HELL it was! What makes her think someone else wouldn't have been tricked into building the Utopian Engine in Malahyde's place? What makes her think reality was safe BEFORE the building of said Engine, given the unpleasant time she'd just spent in the wrong reality in Domino Effect?

Fitz 'looks like the Doctor's younger, scruffier, shiftier brother' since WHEN! (Certainly not since the Company of Friends CD cover...)

'Anji fought down the impulse to yell at the Doctor, to rail at him for not saving Fitz. But she knew that he would have tried everything to save his friend' - the HELL he would!

'Anji folded her arms. They'd won, apparently, but at a heavy price. "So Fitz is dead, and we're trapped here, but the Time Vortex is safe."' - What makes her so sure Fitz is dead? (The Doctor admits to being sure SHE was dead a couple of pages ago.) And why doesn't she particularly CARE?

'"That depends on how many other alternative realities have sprung into existence," said the Doctor darkly...Anji remembered Fitz's words about forever going around stamping out false realities' - what, they'd just SLIPPED HER MIND before now...?

'She didn't want to say this. But she had to. "And he died for nothing."' - Er...he got you out of a dying universe, didn't he? And he WAS a rapist and cannibal so what are you so upset about? And he died trying to save the universe which could be seen as a redemption of sorts (if you're more lenient towards rapists and cannibals than I am, which Anji obviously IS). And if he'd succeeded then he'd've never existed anyway...

'"What's wrong with him?" said Anji' - which bit of the Doctor explaining in words of one syllable about Fitz NATURALISING TO THE WRONG REALITY have you already forgotten!

'"We can't remain here for too long." "Why?"' - *Sigh* Aaaand again...which bit of the Doctor explaining in words of one syllable about NATURALISING TO THE WRONG REALITY have you already forgotten!

'She suddenly realised that she was expendable. They all were. What mattered to the Doctor was saving their universe, their reality. He would sacrifice himself if that's what it took. But would he sacrifice her? Fitz?' - OF COURSE HE WOULD YOU MORON WHICH BIT OF THE WORD 'EXPENDABLE' ARE YOU SOMEHOW NOT GRASPING?

'She felt a qualm of guilt - she should have stopped Robin, or at least told the Doctor about him' - oh, YA THINK!

'There was a lot of blood, the guy was taking great stretching gasps of air. Anji looked up at Fitz. There was nothing they could do for him' - get him to the TARDIS sickbay? Just a thought.

'Can you keep a secret?' - NOW she asks? After Trix blows her cover out of what, pity for this useless git? A feminine desire to make him a tuna sandwich?

'He fell onto the console, his hands a blur' - CAN you move so fast your hands are a blur?

'Anji remembered how the Doctor had used Gottlieb, and felt a cold seam of anger develop in her. She would never be able to forgive him for that' - yeah, how DARE you (unknowingly) risk a serial-rapist's life in order to escape from a dying universe and save your own! What kind of monster ARE you, Doctor?

'Anji couldn't help but feel sorry for him. How could you get on with your normal life, after having seen the wonders of the TARDIS, of other worlds, other universes, without going mad?' - er...SHE managed just fine before Time Zero...

'Memories of sitting in this very room when times were bad, when playing his guitar had been his only solace' - his ONLY solace! When he's TRAVELLING IN THE TARDIS! With the DOCTOR! (And the Eighth Doctor, we're not talking COLIN BAKER here...)

'The Doctor's got the uncomfortable feeling that now he's rescued Malahyde the Eternines might manage to abduct someone else - and the whole thing might happen all over again' - so why didn't it?

Just seen all these recent nits!

Surprised there aren't more.

Reckless Engineering - the clue is in the title!

It won an award you know.

The pinnacle of my career thus far.

Ooh, which award?

Don't laugh...

DWM Award for Best EDA of 2003.

As there were only 6 EDAs that year, the competition wasn't very stiff.

Still, the pinnacle of my career thus far.

I wouldn't dream of laughing.

I suspect pleasing the Fans is a lot harder than pleasing mere critics.

and, above all, Fitz's decision to stay in Totterdown (biodata naturalisation notwithstanding)

And WEEKS later when his biodata has presumably been restored to its original (well, not THAT original given the whole Father Kreiner/Kode thing)...its PROPER state...the Fitz in Last Resort 'almost wished he'd stayed in Totterdown. He'd had a good job there, known some good people, and the beer was great' - oh, these so-called friends in this hideously primitive AND DOOMED society were BETTER THAN THE DOCTOR, then?

Reckless Engineering - the clue is in the title!

Not good enough!

Not after *evil cackle* I've unearthed your letter to DWM in 1987 complaining about the 'hundreds more scientific errata in the programme; "reverse the polarity of the neutron flow," and all the horrendous time anomalies which crop up'...

Bring it on, that's not even the most embarrassing letter I wrote to DWM.

I once wrote suggesting Morrissey would make a good Doctor.

I was obsessed, you see. With him, and with Who.

Happy days.

Well, he made a pretty rubbish Doctor but to be fair, he was SUPPOSED to be a pretty rubbish Doctor. And was still an improvement on Colin Baker.

'He fell onto the console, his hands a blur' - CAN you move so fast your hands are a blur?

Well, Emotional Chemistry thinks you can. Or at least, that the Eighth Doctor can. And Man in the Velvet Mask claims the same of Hartnell, of all Doctors. I s'pose it might be some variation of whatever-the-hell Eccy was up to with those fans in End of the World...?