The Gaiman introduction:
I'd hardly describe War Games as a 'multipart series'. (It just FEELS like an entire bloody series...)
He won't rewatch The War Games? And he calls himself a Fan! How can you possibly not rewatch EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME (even, very occasionally when you're going through a bout of self-hatred, Trial of a Time Lord)?
'It's probably a good thing that I've never actually got my hands on the Doctor. I would have unhappened so much' - er...hasn't he written a Season 6/32 episode...? Suddenly I'm feeling nervous...
'Having caught the virus, I was now, I realised with horror, infecting others' - hate to break the news, sunshine, but Neverwhere didn't come within a billion miles of Who and didn't infect anyone with anything.
'That's when you'll discover that you're infected too' - what, when the lift door opens and you wonder for a moment that it'll open on a jungle planet? Frankly if you're reading the introduction to an obscure and highly expensive hardback novella published during the Sixteen Long And Barren Years Of Despair...you're ALREADY infected with the Who virus. DUH!
Oops, he's suddenly remembered he's actually being paid to promote this book. Apparently it's a 'cocky delight' and 'you're going to enjoy every moment'. In defence of these unbelievably inane comments, I doubt I'd've been able to think of anything to praise this infinitely forgettable tedium either.
Oh, yeah, the book:
Of course it's grossly unfair to nitpick a book that came out thirteen years before we were blessed with Impossible Planet or Utopia. Like THAT'S gonna stop me...
...humanity is huddling round black holes when the end of the universe comes? The hell they are! And said end of universe is a mere 'tens of billions' of years away? Ha ha ha! And you can stash planets inside black holes? For heaven's sake! Even the impossible planet only ORBITED one of those things!
So the (Eighth!) Doctor burns the Tyger alive? Lovely.
So the Doc's not quite sure where he's landed, and TAKING A LOOK is a brilliantly simple idea he'd never have thought of...? Yeah, right.
So Casimir is all about bloodlust and the hunt. She violently and unprovokedly attacks the Doctor from behind, and later wishes several times she'd killed him while she was at it. And yet she, her daddy, and every single person on this ship is an avowed pacifist (to the extent of fighting a non-violent war)?
So is Fyne still pretending to be Seraph or not? If so, why does the Doctor say 'they would burn you up in a second if you got too close. Remember what happened to Seraph' in front of Tx? If not, why is he still the leader of the colony? And in any case why does the Doctor emphasise Fyne and Tx's leadership at the expense of any choices of the rest of the population?
THE DOCTOR scoffs at 'the foolish optimism that's so characteristic of you humans'. HUMAN Fyne tells THE DOCTOR that knowing too much about their own future could be dangerous? Sorry, has Paul McAuley actually...y'know...seen any Doctor Who??
My GOD this must be the longest-winded 'Doctor gets captured and escapes' story in history. Still, it makes me feel truly blessed. That we have real live Who back on-screen where it belongs instead of pathetically attempting to make do with THIS sort of thing. This has felt like a particularly unpleasant trip back in time...
'It's probably a good thing that I've never actually got my hands on the Doctor. I would have unhappened so much' - er...hasn't he written a Season 6/32 episode...? Suddenly I'm feeling nervous...
*Sigh of relief* everything's FINE, Gaiman didn't unravel the Doctor's timeline or anything, OK, so he ruined the Cybermen but that's a small price to pay...