'Revenge of the Judoon':

First, the reference to 'King Charles the Third' following the current queen is probably erroneous as Prince Charles will almost certainly change his name when he ascends the throne.

According to the back cover this is set in 1902, so it's a bit early for Carruthers to be talking about "new-fangled flying machines". Maybe the date's wrong - all we know from the text is that it's "a few years" before 1906, so there's a small amount of wriggle room, and maybe Carruthers - who buys into the idea of aliens very quickly - is gullible enough to believe that post-Kitty Hawk every passing eccentric is going to be able to do powered-flight... but even so he shouldn't know who Bleriot is yet.

It's called 'Revenge of the Judoon' but the Judoon are barely in it.

OK, so Revenge of the Judoon...

Aaaaand yet again the cover gets it wrong. There's Martha in her wretched maroon jacket - like we haven't seen enough of THAT to last a lifetime - whereas in the book she's in Victorian gear, followed by overalls.

'Two figures came out, a tall thin man and an attractive young girl' - alright, leaving aside the implication that Martha is about five years old...A TALL THIN MAN???? It's hardly up there with 'Vaguely Bohemian looking' 'A young/old face with a shock of white hair' 'A pleasant open face', is it? I mean, Dicks can hardly be the victim of any false modesty where his immortal Doctor-descriptions are concerned, he wrote Warmonger solely to see what would happen if Davison's face wasn't quite so pleasant and open for once...does he not REALISE it's his duty to give us the definitive description of the Tenth Doctor? Or we'll be stuck with Donna's 'rat-thin Martian' which isn't entirely fair OR accurate.

(Still...at least we get a few 'wheezing and groaning's and 'authority in voice's for old times' sake.)

Martha's ignorance of history is well-established, but even for her it's pushing it a bit to think that in the twentieth century the King of England might have someone executed for failing to shoot a deer.

'There are thousands of planets in the galaxy' - well, thanks for THAT piece of information, Doctor. Don't you mean hundreds of billions?

Why do the Judoon need a plasma beacon inside the castle to move it? They didn't need one for Martha's hospital.

'Elizabeth the Second, God bless her' - who is the tall thin man and what has he done with MY Doctor??!!

Haven't we already HAD a Who book all about Conan Doyle? Not to mention one about Sherlock Holmes? Um...Evolution and All-Consuming Fire?

Sooo...king and castle have been wiped off the face of the Earth by the Judoon...and the Doctor and Martha actually DISCUSS getting involved. Er...why?

Why does Carruthers congratulate Conan Doyle on his knighthood when their meeting a few days ago would have been the natural time to do so?

Martha seriously thinks that 'a weird name and a dodgy address' are not worth informing the Doctor about? Though they're straight from the horse's mouth? And though she's about to rush off to said dodgy address and - surely even SHE realises - inevitably *yawn* get captured by aliens?

How did 'just over an hour ago' (p46) turn into 'just a few hours ago' (p47)?

Why can't Martha phone the TARDIS?

Martha announces that plastic hasn't been invented yet. How would SHE know?

'Martha and Carruthers stared at him in horror' 'Instantly, Martha and Carruthers rounded on the Doctor. Martha said "Doctor, you can't -"' OK, I can swallow Carruthers' reaction, but MARTHA...? Has she seriously never seen the Doctor pretend to go along with a baddie's fiendish plan before? (Alright, it's something he does surprisingly rarely (just can't resist spoiling it with a 'Now I know you're mad', can he) but still, Martha SERIOUSLY thinks the Doctor genuinely supports the blowing up of the capital cities of Africa, Asia and Europe?)

And as if Martha falling for the Doc's pathetic act wasn't bad enough, the alien fiend is taken in by it and gives the Doc ten minutes' privacy in which to plot against him!

'He could warp the fabric of time itself. He could destroy the universe!' - oh for ****'s sake, how many times do I have to tell authors not to try to spice up their bog-standard aliens-invade-Earth story by suddenly proclaiming that the entire universe is at stake?? IT - DOESN'T - BLOODY - WORK.

Not liking this 'Galactic Council' idea. At all.

Ah, yet another villain who is holding the Doctor at gunpoint and yet somehow allows him to not only blow up vital equipment with his sonic screwdriver, but to explain what he's gonna do first.

OK, like the 'surprisingly good Scottish accent' in-joke. And...er...that's it. Isn't the raison d'etre of these daft little books to get illiterate morons - um, to persuade reluctant readers of the sheer unadulterated joy of books? Really not doing the trick. Which is quite tragic when you consider how many millions (well, thousands at least) of people must have got into books through Dicks' Target novelisations.

The Sontaran Games by Jacqueline Rayner:

Pah. Alright, with a title like THIS it was unlikely to be an all-time classic, and sadly it IS exactly what it implies on the tin: a Sontaran Experiment rip-off with the one thing on Earth more boring than Sontaran Experiment - sport - thrown in. But I had vague hopes it would be one of Rayner's hilarious little gems, like The Glass Prison. Instead of being a pointless waste of my time, like all the other Quick Reads. (And if someone whose greatest joys in life are Who and Books can't stand the stupid little things, how exactly are they gonna fulfil their raison d'etre and convince semi-illiterates of the joys of reading??)

'Globe' Games? What happened to the Olympics? What on Earth would make anyone (and not in the too-distant future, since there's no hint of anything futuristic AT ALL) change a name that's been going for thousands of years?

So the best way of preparing a bunch of young athletes perfectly prepared to sit amid piles of corpses if it'll increase their chances of appearing in the Games is...to leave them entirely to their own devices every night. It's a miracle any of 'em are alive by the time the Rutan arrives.

Given that the Doc can open the TARDIS with a click of his fingers...hope he feels guilty about the student who DIED whilst obeying the Doc's instructions to open it with the key.

If the Doctor knows he's got to get the Sontarans out of the room asap for Emma to remain uncaptured...why does he delay them with his little comedy routine?

God, people and aliens have come up with some stupid reasons for not just gunning the Doc down on the spot, but 'You must be punished for your conduct. You are to take part in the first ever Sontaran Games!' pretty much takes the biscuit.

And speaking of which...this group of Sontarans is in hot pursuit of a Rutan. Who they (somehow) know is somewhere in this building. So what do they do...? Do they make the SLIGHTEST ATTEMPT to discover who said Rutan IS? Nope. Even when the Doctor ADMITS to being a shape-shifting alien, they...oh god...take his word for it that he's not a RUTAN shape-shifting alien. Comparisons with the ruthless efficiency of the Judoon come to mind at this point. Even before the Sontarans start seeding arenas with Sand Shrews and whipping out here's-one-I-prepared-earlier giant robots in order to make the games they've inexplicably decided to hold go with a swing...Seriously, I don't think even that Sontaran Experiment Sontaran would behave THIS stupidly. (And what's with the Sand Shrews anyway? Sontarans keep pets?)

How insane IS it for the Doctor to point out to the Sontarans that a couple of athletes are seriously injured and 'no use at all'? Was he TRYING to get them vaporised?

What's with the Emma obsession? Anyone would think that the Lonely God, the Last of the Time Lords, the Oncoming Storm, had NEVER been captured by aliens and locked in a cupboard before, the way he's going on...'all would be lost [if Emma was captured]' 'If Emma could remain free, they might still have a chance' 'There was one glimmer of hope', 'If Emma was there, he still had a chance', 'She was his sole trump card', 'If she was caught - they were all doomed', etc etc. (Is Rayner trying to make us think of Emma as a genuine Companion, so the shock'll be all the greater when it's revealed she's a Rutan? In that case, she should've a) tried giving Emma an actual character, and b) not made it so bleeding obvious she's a Rutan.)

Sontaran Stratagem makes it clear the Sontarans knew about the Time Lords getting wiped out in the Time War...so why are this bunch so keen to test the weak points of a Time Lord (as well as humans...HELLO! Rutan on the loose, people!) (NB: the author mentioning this little problem does NOT absolve her of it.)

Time Lords are the 'ancient enemy' of the Sontarans? Given the Rutan War, I'm surprised that the Doc offing two or three Sontarans every now and then exactly qualifies.

Given that the Doctor claims, during the embarrassing 'revelation' about Emma's identity, that he's had his suspicions for some time (haven't we all, sunshine...if a 'surprise twist' has EVER been so blatantly telegraphed, I can't think of it offhand), why did he spend the book thinking things like 'How she'd escaped he didn't know' and 'his hearts sank [cos no human could have survived that]'. And why DIDN'T he mention unsubtle clues like her casually throwing words like 'Time Lord' and 'Deadlock' around?

'The Doctor turned to his team, who were all crying with joy' - what, ALL SIX of the incredibly tough people who are still under an alien death sentence chose in five seconds flat to relieve their feelings by bursting into tears cos a robot blew up?

'The Doctor felt a rush of guilt. He should never have asked someone with a head injury to climb so high' - well, DUH. That thought had of course occurred to me BEFORE Holly completely screwed up her Earth-saving duties. It's not like there aren't plenty of other world-class gymnasts around the Doc could've asked. (And, once again, the author pointing out the problem herself will NOT be accepted as a mitigating plea.)

Surely one of the FIRST things Rutan scouts learn is NOT to leave the dismembered hands of the victims they replaced lying around?

'The Doctor couldn't believe the Sontaran was still alive' - why not? Sontarans these days (earlier in this book, not to mention The Last Sontaran) are ALWAYS surviving screwdrivers/stiletto heels being driven into their probic vents.

'I don't offer second chances very often' - oh, come OFF it, Doc...

SURELY there's a setting on the sonic screwdriver that can deal with Sontarans and/or Rutans? THEY can't be deadlock sealed...

Riiiight. So the Rutan was gonna spark off World War Three by becoming an athlete and creating 'A scandal here, a murder there'...? Yeah, sure, whatever...

Where the hell are UNIT, Torchwood, etc? There's a wacking great Sontaran ship in the sky (according to the cover, if not the actual text), they should've NOTICED.

Code of the Krillitanes by Justin Richards:

I can't believe that blurb. Leaving aside the fact that 'a supermarket trolley full of crisps' should actually be 'two supermarket trolleys full of crisps'...what's that nonsense about 'a short, sharp, shot of adventure'?????????? IF ONLY...

Still, mustn't be too hard on the poor little thing. It's less boring and pointless than most Quick Reads. It just happens to have a gaping hole of illogic at its very heart, but, let's face it, this applies to plenty of brilliant pieces of Who too.

I mean...crisps are being sold all over the country that suddenly turn even the dimmest half-wit into an Einstein? And this goes totally unnoticed by Sarah, Torchwood, UNIT, the EU food standards committees, the Government, the media, the general public, etc etc? Even though they're actually MARKETED as 'Brainy Crisps' that will improve your intelligence?

Blimey. OK, so Torchwood and UNIT aren't exactly over-endowed in the brain department, but...the second a few schoolkids started looking vaguely intelligent, Sarah was onto it like a shot...and that was in the days she sat around sobbing that the Love Of Her Life had abandoned her. Now she's got TWO supercomputers, a horde of world-saving teenage veterans, and personal experience that popular new foodstuffs are usually alien. And STILL she notices nothing...

The Doctor spends 'several minutes' staring at a door after someone who eats Brainy Crisps turned out to be brainy? God, I've seen him save entire planets in several minutes - no need to cogitate for that long to realise that he ought to investigate the crisps. Or, better still, skip the investigation and start thinking Krillitane.

Why are the Krillitanes going to all this trouble to produce a new form, anyway? Wouldn't it be more sensible to go ahead with their Skakis (or whatever) Paradigm plan on some planet that isn't Earth?

'He generally didn't need to go shopping. He had everything he needed in the TARDIS' - since when?! Whatever happened to having to go back to Earth for fresh milk every six days?

'"Excuse me, Sunshine," a gruff voice said. The Doctor glanced up. He knew the voice wasn't talking to him. No one would call the Doctor "Sunshine"'...I'm sorry? Come again?? I think I must have misheard you??? If Justin Richards doesn't remember the BEST LINE EVER - viz, 'You're not mating with me, Sunshine!' - then he should immediately be sacked.

'How much more dangerous could things be now if they were feeding Krillitane Oil to everyone in the country?' - Since when does EVERYONE in Britain eat crisps, let alone the same brand?

'Did it even stop at Britain - what if the firm was exporting its crisps all over the world' - quite. And ARE they? The book never tells us. Half a million Brainy-Crisp-eaters online at any one time suggests they MUST have sold to other countries, but there's absolutely no indication of this.

Look, just because the new series never gave us any other TARDIS rooms doesn't mean the books have to follow suit. Why on Earth is the Doctor testing the crisps in the console room? Does he not have a LAB?

Oh, and it takes him an hour and fifty-four bags of crisps to work out that they've been cooked in Krillitane Oil? What is he, Mr Thickety-Thick From Thicktown, Thickonia? He hasn't been so slow off the mark since he asked the Time Lords to send him after the Daleks, landed on Spiridon, met a bunch of Thals, and then needed a can of spray-paint to work out that there were Daleks around, in a story called Planet of the Daleks.

Even leaving aside the fact that THIS Doctor is VERY skillful at identifying things just by LICKING them.

(Oh god, how I'm gonna miss Tennant licking doors and radios...)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand just when you think that the whole deadlock thing has gone as low as humanly possible...I give you *drumroll* THE DIGITAL DEADLOCK!

(And also the Doc breaking said digital deadlock, thus rendering it rather pointless.)

'"Now we're getting somewhere," he murmured. He glanced up, embarrassed at having said it out loud' - say WHAT?! This is THE DOCTOR. If there's one thing he's NOT embarrassed about, it's talking to himself ('You have access to the greatest source of knowledge in the universe...')

How nice of the Krillitanes to explain their cunning plan to the shareholders before trying to kill them.

"I assume you're planning to create a race of Super-Krillitane creatures ready to make Earth their first new home world" - what, all three of them? - "And from there take over - well, maybe one day - the whole universe." - I've said it before and I'll say it again. Nothing is a clearer sign of a substandard story than suddenly trying to claim the entire universe is at stake.

(And besides...these are KRILLITANES. Not really the universe's Number One Monster. If the Daleks couldn't conquer the universe I'm not exactly shaking in my shoes over a few skinny clawed flying things.)

Why does the Doctor go to all the trouble of getting himself captured to distract the Krillitanes? He's extraordinarily lucky that they decide to go down the 'keep him alive to see the glorious Krillitane triumph' route rather than the 'rip him to pieces' one. Frankly this whole story feels beneath the Doctor's notice, he should have just phoned UNIT and let them go ahead bombing the factory instead of risking his infintely-precious neck.

Why is Manning so unconcerned about a river of Krillitane Oil coming towards him?

'Henry started forward' - what, to go through a curtain of flame and rescue the monster who'd just tried to kill him and wipe out the human race? What a cretin.

God, could the 'Everyone thinks Henry's stupid but he's really, really clever and saves the world and everything' stuff BE any more over-egged? Is Richards trying to send a cheering moral message to his half-literate audience?

'Crisps of the Krillitanes':

How is it that a Krillitane has a knighthood?

The Krillitanes aren't Zygon-like copies of real people, so presumably there never was a real "Sir Manning Cross". Their Brain Crisps scheme is self-contained and doesn't seem to have been in operation for long enough for him to be perceived to have made a big contribution to British business or culture. They don't have any reason to be schmoozing with politicians, and in fact employ a boring human drudge to act as their go-between with the rest of the world, so there's no real reason why Cross should be a knight. Apart from anything else, he would have appeared out of nowhere and they would at least have done enough background checking to find out if he was a British subject or not.

I suspect Henry the mediocre drone who turns out to be the big hero is not the potential reader but is actually a huge Mary Sue.

They just about get away with it in 'School Reunion' but here the whole Krillitanes-explode-on-contact-with-Krillitane-oil business is just fabulously stupid.

How is it that a Krillitane has a knighthood?

Due to her unrequited crush on the Doctor the Queen is extremely alien-friendly? (Alright, they've theoretically given her a rough time but let's face it, threatening to jump off the roof and having the Titanic zoom past Buckingham Palace were undoubtedly the most exciting things that have happened to her.)

Or he could just have been lying about the knighthood, to make himself sound more respectable...?

I suspect Henry the mediocre drone who turns out to be the big hero is not the potential reader but is actually a huge Mary Sue.

Oh! I suppose if Justin Richards really thinks of himself as a big hero, that would explain why he just keeps commissioning said hero...

They just about get away with it in 'School Reunion' but here the whole Krillitanes-explode-on-contact-with-Krillitane-oil business is just fabulously stupid.

The problem is, most Who authors just don't realise that TV can get away with a hell of a lot more than novels due to an abundance of Tennanty/Ecclestonian goodness.

Made of Steel by Terrance Dicks:

Maybe I'm just more bitter and cynical than when I was a kid, but somehow this totally fails to recapture the innocent, joyous magic of learning to read with a Terrance Dicks Target novelisation.

Frankly it's bizarre to introduce Martha to the Whoniverse via a Quick Read rather than via Smith and Jones. (But then I've always felt it was a bit bizarre to introduce Martha to the Whoniverse AT ALL.)

Sorry, but we've all seen what Cybermen created at the last minute in Doomsday look like. We may wish we hadn't. But they sure as hell don't resemble the Cyberman on the cover of this book. It doesn't even have a bra or high heels.

Bit Robot-ish - unstoppable metallic monsters robbing different places to get the specific equipment they need.

The speed, efficiency, and generosity of the Army sounds grossly exaggerated.

So any hint of Cybermen returning would be met with 'worldwide panic'?? And not, say, worldwide utter and total denial...?

"Not more of those ghastly metal men. I couldn't go through all that again" - what exactly did Martha go through during Doomsday, then? It would be a staggering coincidence if they'd bothered kicking HER door in. And she'd certainly have mentioned it in Smith and Jones instead of blathering on about 'Saxon says there are aliens so it must be true'. And she didn't mention Cybermen when talking about Adeola's disappearance.

'Somewhere, something mysterious was going on. That was what he liked about Earth. It was as unpredictable as its weather' - there's an alien invasion of modern-day London going on, Doc! Is there ANYTHING more predictable? You could set your watch by it!

'Martha knew what it was. She had seen the terrifying shape on television and in countless newspaper photographs at the time of the invasion. It was a Cyberman.' - so if the Cybermen were THAT well-publicised, why does Earth still not seem to have grasped the whole 'alien invasion' thing at this point? And why do security guards confronted by Cybermen always think 'Silver giants!'?

And why doesn't Martha HIDE while the Cyberman's slowly materialising instead of just standing there?

So, when threatened with getting shot unless she tells a Cyberman where the Doc is, Martha decides to hopelessly flee - and get shot - rather than just stand there - and get shot. Why doesn't she consider other options - like telling it where the Doctor is? Or LYING about where the Doctor is?

'Rachel was an old friend'..."What about you? We were afraid you were dead, or had a breakdown or something" - obviously dear Rachel didn't take her concern about Martha's mental health/continued existence to the extent of actually bothering to CONTACT MARTHA'S FAMILY to ask if she was a goner, or anything...Call me clingy or something, but MY definition of 'friendship' generally involves 'giving a •••• whether I'm alive or dead'.

'He looked up and saw an attractive fair-haired girl in army uniform' - well, that's how Uncle Tewwance might see her, but surely THE DOCTOR would see a soldier first and her attractiveness second, or preferably never. (Is 'you're a beautiful woman, probably' not ringing any bells?)

'There was an unexpected note of authority in his voice' - woo hoo! Authority-in-voice-ism! (Alright, so these people know all about the Doc so should hardly be surprised by a note of authority, but what the hell...)

Martha has no idea what to do so she just hangs round where the TARDIS used to be...where the Cybermen had caught her earlier and - surprise! - promptly catch her again.

"Cybermen always attack in large numbers - if they can," said the Doctor. Well, they sure as hell didn't in the old series. Though I suppose those are a completely different variety of Cybermen - though if he's just referring to the Cybus types he's hardly encountered them often enough to make such sweeping generalisations.

Plus it doesn't occur to him they may have left a fully-functioning Cyber-conversion unit behind. As indeed they did.

'Without anyone noticing, he had taken over the meeting.' Except that three pages earlier 'It seemed to Sheila Sarandon that, somehow, he had taken charge'...

"The Cybermen's secret base in the Millennium Dome!" - oh god no...is there ANY London landmark that New Who aliens haven't co-opted? (Well, aside from the Tower of London - UNIT got there first. Though that didn't stop the Space Whale, come to think of it...)

Why doesn't Martha shriek 'DOME!' at the Doc instead of wasting all those syllables ('I'm in the Do-'?)

'"They won't attack us here," said the Major confidently' - Why is he so thick he needs his sidekick Sheila to point out that the Cybermen are after the Doc, and they KNOW the Doc is here...?

If the Cyberleader KNOWS the Doc'll turn up at the Dome to rescue Martha, why does he bother attacking an army base (and losing all those Cybermen) in order to try to capture the Doctor?

Cybermen retrieved equipment from the Torchwood Tower? Bloody hell, didn't EVERYONE? Now I'm picturing them standing politely at the back of the queue, behind Ianto and the Naismiths...

Oh god. The Cyberleader POINTS OUT HIS PROTECTIVE FORCEFIELD TO THE DOCTOR. And then doesn't see any significance in the Doc shooting Martha a meaningful look and saying "I'd hate for that to get damaged"...

The Army are planning to blow up the Dome. 'A bit hard on the Doctor, if he was in there, not to mention his companion, thought Sheila. Still, sacrifices had to be made in war' - which bit of THE DOCTOR SAVES THE WORLD ON A WEEKLY BASIS are those idiots just not getting? (Of course, one can hardly complain about the regular army being that stupid after the way UNIT was acting in Planet of the Dead...)

I Am A Dalek by Gareth Roberts:

Why would a Dalek casing survive BadWolfRose's genocide?

The Moon exists because 'one bit of stardust meets another bit of stardust'?? The odds are 'trillions against it'?? Lots of planets have a Moon. (What's with the Moon fixation, anyway? Well, I suppose this is set in Season 2/28 when they made a big deal about moons for some reason.)

'Whenever she came back to Earth, Rose liked to catch up on the news' - since when? She wasn't exactly eager to catch up on WHO THE PRIME MINISTER WAS or anything in Aliens of London.

I honestly don't think someone would get away with trying to murder their boss cos they happened to have blonde hair when they did it. Said boss would almost certainly dismiss the 'It wasn't me, it was an identical woman with blonde hair' argument.

Surely the Doctor realises that introducing someone to their future wife years early is criminally reckless bending of the Web of Time, liable to alter their entire future?

Magic of the Angels by Jacqueline Rayner:

The sight-seeing tour of London is delightful, though I'm not convinced the Doctor would be QUITE that publicly indiscrete. Or get given the SAME ROOM on the five or six occasions he was chucked into the Tower.

'Guy was very proud of his moustache' - don't recall him mentioning THAT in The Gunpowder Plot.

Since when does 'front row of the stalls' equal 'best seats in the house'? Wouldn't that be a box or something rather than the place you'll have to crane your neck and get deafened?

'No one from this time will ever see her again' - unless you NIP BACK AND RESCUE HER, of course, Doc. (Alright, so I know that's impossible now that we've seen their elderly versions (unlike Rory, who seemed to need this explained to him in words of one syllable...if he's that happy about breaking the Web of Time you'd think he'd've kicked up more of a fuss about rescuing his OWN DAUGHTER) but we didn't know who they were THEN.)

Does Rory SAY stupid things like 'You can count on me'? After 2,000 years in front of the Pandorica surely that goes without saying?

'He didn't like telling even white lies' - ooh, what about that time he claimed he was in a band?!

Why is the Doctor 'pretending to look at a watch'? What happened to that horrible gold-strapped thing he always wears?

Amy doesn't work out the you-tied-me-up thing? After all her timey-wimey experiences? It's not exactly COMPLICATED.

'I guess you still smell like the same person!' - what, after nearly SEVENTY YEARS? Have you SMELT an old person?!

That's an AWFUL LOT of young women who get sent back in time (all to 1945, presumably) and never make a mark on history by so much as 'inventing' a pop song early.

So the Doctor is 'offering himself as a victim rather than Amy' - very sweet and (if said victimhood had involved death) very heroically Doctorish, but as the Angel was only gonna send 'em back in time, wouldn't it have been more sensible to let HER get taken and then rescue her in his time machine?? Quite aside from everything else, the entire planet's gonna get destroyed (or whatever) if the Angel gets on TV so maybe he ought to hang around AND STOP IT?

'I think the cameras are still on.' 'Oh well, I suppose it might be fun to see yourself on TV' - which bit of THE IMAGE OF AN ANGEL BECOMES AN ANGEL is Amy not quite grasping, here...?

Ah, the fourth plinth on Trafalgar Square! The perfect place for a Weeping Angel! As long as there's no CCTV in central London, after all, it's not like we're the most surveyed nation on Earth...oh wait, we are! Well, at least there won't be anyone taking photos - oops! Now you mention it, it IS rather a popular tourist spot...

The Silurian Gift:

Well. Isn't THAT a total and utter waste of space, time, trees and anything else you can think of. I've read a LOT worse - it's not even particularly boring - but I've never encountered an entire book that added NOTHING to the Whoniverse. Sea Devils, Silurians, and Myrka wander around doing the same old things they've been doing ever since we met 'em...wise old leader siding with the Doctor, reckless homicidal youngster ruining everything, Sea Devils ray-gunning soldiers down before being rendered unconscious by the Doctor producing a loud noise, greedy humans trying to exploit the situation, blah blah, everyone going back into hibernation, yadda yadda...God, if only there had been a couple of good jokes they might have salvaged this, and if only this hadn't been the first dead-tree fiction the BBC had bothered to produce in YEARS it wouldn't have mattered so much.

Oh, and I don't appreciate having adverts for chocolate bars printed as part of the cover. Speaking of the cover, why the Doctor from The Snowman (that COAT! That HAIR!) when it MUST have been set before the Ponds scarpered cos the Doctor doesn't seem depressed and it doesn't take 'some bird' smiling at him to get him involved.

'Fire-Ice' is hyphenated on the back-cover blurb and nowhere else.

The Doctor pulls UNIT strings to infiltrate this bunch of journalists - why not just use the psychic paper?

'He was still dressed in nothing warmer than his tweed jacket. Lizzie couldn't work out how he wasn't freezing to death' - that's a point. How impervious to cold is the Doctor in general and Eleven in particular?

It's REALLY CONFUSING having a character called 'Matt'. I kept thinking for a split second that he's the Doctor. Admittedly this is incredibly stupid of me.

Wholeweal's still going! That's so sweet.

Why is Lizzie PRAYING that the batteries on her torch are still working? Leaving aside the utter pointlessness of THAT particular activity, shouldn't she have ensured she had a working torch before setting off on her world-saving suicide-bombing mission?

'Lock them up somewhere' - and the Doctor and Lizzie don't even say a word of protest! Like, THIS IS ILLEGAL or she's got a head-injury so should be in the medical bay, or wave around the psychic paper, or use the authority in the Doctor's voice...

It's the 'work of a moment' for the Silurians to break into UNIT's files. Frankly I'm surprised - they didn't seem the computer-savvy type of reptile. Plus they seem to have managed not to spot any references to their dear Eocene/Homo Reptilia/Sea Devil etc etc chums in said files.

The Silurians stockpiled a new source of instant clean energy for their revival? The poor guys really thought of EVERYTHING, didn't they. Except for the pesky matter of setting those alarm clocks.

So why did this bunch wake up, anyway? There's no stupid-humans-drilling stuff going on HERE.

'We welcomed any contact with the outside world' - that's pretty thick of you. And shouldn't you have been HORRIFIED to meet the uppity apes?

'I've been in your shoes, Lizzie. I've destroyed whole worlds and have had to live with the burden. Believe me, you don't want to press that button' - blimey, when has the Doctor blown up other worlds than Gallifrey? (He obviously missed Skaro, going by Asylum of the Daleks, never mind the War of the Daleks EDA, City of the Daleks computer game, etc etc.) And since when has he told near-strangers about it?

Ah bless, it's the dear old Myrka!

Partock FORCED herself to eat mammal flesh? I thought Silurians had a taste for it. I suppose they COULD have done all that ape-hunting for sport rather than food (the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable and all that) but there's nothing dear old Madam Vastra enjoys more than tucking into Jack the Ripper or a nice glass of blood, and those Silurians in the Blood Tide audio certainly enjoyed human flesh.

'The Doctor chewed his lip nervously. Their body armour marked them out as a commando squad of highly trained killers' - the Doctor doesn't chew his lip nervously and how the hell does HE know the armour for commando squads of highly trained killers (as opposed to what, commando squads of untrained incompetent killers)? Half the time he's encountered Sea Devils they've been wearing STRING VESTS.

Sorry, this bloke says he'll transform the ENTIRE WORLD'S energy supplies with some stuff he's dug out of a lake in the last few weeks? And everyone takes him SERIOUSLY?

'The Doctor stepped slowly from the lift and looked around sadly at the human bodies that now littered the control room' - You were in said lift with the Sea Devils who've just COMMITTED this massacre! You might have tried to dissuade them! Or just SONICKED the Green Gilberts! God, how useless IS this Doctor? Did he even give any medical care to the bloke he was SUPPOSED to have come to this base to help?

'More than anything, she wanted to show [the Doctor] that he had been right about her, and that she would never have pressed that button' - when did the Doctor EVER say (or think) that Lizzie wouldn't have set that bomb off?

'I've added artificial boosting agent to the barrels...Huge quantities of greenhouse gases will be released...' 'You'll set off a chain reaction that will destroy most of the life on thes planet.' 'It will return this planet to a state where we can live properly...how it was in our own time' - this is all sounding INCREDIBLY IMPLAUSIBLE.

'Careful to conceal what he was doing...' - er, I think him muttering 'The Myrka control' suggested a certain lack of careful concealment.

'They're called Sea Devils. Well...They're not actually called Sea Devils. That's a less than flattering nickname coined back in the 1970s, but let's call them that for the moment' - let's NOT. Let's FINALLY find out WHAT THEY'RE BLOODY CALLED, shall we? (Also, the Doctor SHOULD have said 'The 1970s, or was it the 80s'. Plus, their Silurian chums called them Sea Devils in Warriors of the Deep...)

No one - human or Silurian - seems to take any notice of the Doctor's 'I'm not human' claims, not to mention his 'I've blown up planets' ones, OR ask him about his previous Silurian-encounters.

These Navy back-up troops arrive from WHERE, exactly?

A whole ARMY of Myrkas? Are we supposed to be excited or something?

The Doctor might try TALKING to the Navy Captain, before unleashing a Myrka army on him. (Albeit an army that the Doctor has somehow managed to order not to hurt anyone.)

'That brief lapse in Lizzie's focus was all Pelham needed' - but why did he manage to take advantage of her fumbling in her pocket instead of the previous far larger lapse of her aiming the gun at the door and melting its lock?

So - ONE wounded Myrka and all the others 'started to turn on the injured one. They began to fight amongst themselves, driven into a feeding frenzy by the smell of blood' - wow, a Myrka makes an even LESS effective weapon than in Warriors of the Deep! Something I'd previously assumed was physically impossible!

'Myrkas roared as the ground collapsed beneath them and they were swallowed up by the freezing water. It was a vision of hell' - WHOSE hell? Western hell tends to involve flames, not ice, and NO ONE'S hell that I've ever heard of involved Myrkas. Religions are sick but they're not THAT sick.

'The Myrkas and the Sea Devils could only survive if they returned to their hibernation chambers' - are there any Myrka-control-units to hand? Without them surely all the Myrkas wouldn't know to return to hibernation and would just DIE? Or, of course, just live happily in the water. And as for the Sea Devils, they've got thermal armour, they could just wait till the Doc's left, get onto some land, and start again with the ape-genociding plans.

Is it just me or was the entirety of 2019 Doctor Who ripped off from I Am A Dalek, of all things??

the Doctor doesn't chew his lip nervously

Well, OK, so Eccy does in All Flesh is Grass and Pertwee pulls his lower lip in Verdigris. FINE.

First, the reference to 'King Charles the Third' following the current queen is probably erroneous as Prince Charles will almost certainly change his name when he ascends the throne.

Terrance Dicks 1, Daniel O'Mahony 0...

First, the reference to 'King Charles the Third' following the current queen is probably erroneous as Prince Charles will almost certainly change his name when he ascends the throne.

A king is not a pope. Why would anyone have expected him to change his name?

Because some Kings do that. Elizabeth's father was named Albert (nicknamed Bertie) but his King name was George VI.