You know, I had my doubts about this when I picked it up but I quite enjoyed this - sure it's a Boys' Own spy adventure but, hey, it's Harry Sullivan here and you can't expect anything else. He also not quite the bumbling fool he was on television, either.

'What was the shocking and terrifying link between Trion and the planet Earth?'

You mean, what was the shocking and terrifying link aside from Trion sending dissidents to English public schools?

Don't ask me. I read this at least 15 years ago, and it was probably one of the reasons I didn't tuck into the New Adventures when they first appeared. All I can remember (apart from it not being any good) is that there's some female friend of Turlough's who he has to kill because she's a baddie, and he falls down a mineshaft, but then he goes into an alternative universe and everything's OK again.

I remember there was yet another Time Lord - The Magician, an evil woman Rechtaht (an anagram of Thatcher) and that Turlough and his friend managed to build a crude time machine.

Oh yes... and I think it's implied or state outright or it happens during the course of the book that Turlough's friend becomes his girlfriend.
He also worries about turning up on Earth in the time period of his exile and makes reference to the Brigadier's experience with the Blinovitch Limitation Effect.

Not only that but you also get bonus companions with Sarah Jane and the Brigadier during the course of the story.

That just makes things worse - THREE Companions degrading themselves for the price of one. Um...not that I've actually READ this or anything, it's just a wild guess, based on an unhappy experience with Turlough and the Earthlink dilemma a decade or two ago.

I liked this book. Of course, I always liked Harry Sullivan, and it was good to him in an expanded adventure. In this book, Harry is shown to be competent man, quite able to take care of himself when he gets into a crunch. It makes you think just what could have been done with Harry's character had he been on the show longer.

Ian Marter does a good job here, writing for the character he portrayed so well. I highly recommend this book for all Harry Sullivan fans.

However, since this is a nickpickers site, I have to mention the one small blooper Mr. Marter makes. When Harry meets Sarah Jane for the first time in the novel, it is stated that Harry had not seen her since their adventure with the Zygons. Of course, Sarah and Harry met up again in The Android Invasion, Harry's last appearence on DW. Oh well, it is a small mistake, in an otherwise great book.

SMALL MISTAKE? Ha! Just shows how much Harry cares about the Doctor and Sarah, doesn't it? Not only does he abandon them and the TARDIS without a backward glance, never mind a 'good-bye', he doesn't even notice when they pop up again! I always knew that Harry Sullivan is an imbecile, but this is taking it TOO far.

Emily, why do you dislike Harry so much? I grant you he was a bit behind the times when it came to his views on women, but aside from that character flaw, I thought he was okay.

Let's just say that in the grand sceme of things, Harry was one of the better male companions. Certainly the two that came after him (Adric and Turlough) were really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I think I'd take Jamie or Ian over Harry any day. I think it was the general goofiness of his "pip, pip, cheerio" old-style Englishness. The Brig's has been accused of being an old-style Colonel Blimp character, but Harry's closer to the mark.

Had Turlough stayed around, I think his character might have developed. Certainly he showed some signs in "Planet of Fire." He's okay in the PDA "Imperial Moon", too.

Yeah, I think it's the goofiness. I mean, this man is supposed to be a doctor, can't he act a bit more like one and a bit less like an idiot? But OK, I admit I'm a little harsh on him. It's probably down to a combination of being bored sick by Ian Marter's The Sontaran Experiment, AND having to listen to Harry's chauvinistic claptrap (I'm incapable of having an 'aside from that character flaw' attitude when it comes to sexism. Except where the Doctor's concerned of course - I don't have much choice, I can hardly loathe my favourite character). But given the chance - pointless as he is - I probably wouldn't choose to obliterate Harry from the programme. Unlike most other Companions you could mention.

If I could, I would have the Doctor teamed up with Sarah, Harry, and Nyssa. Those three are my top favourite companions.

Why is it K-dot-9 on the spine and cover, and K9 everywhere else?

Oh, for the RIGHT Terrance to have written this. A quick zoom through what we saw on TV, all over in an hour, tops. Whereas this Dudley guy...he makes such an EFFORT. With EVERY SINGLE LINE. He just won't shut up. I mean, it's not quite Pipn'Jane, but how about 'Hissing as if in acknowledgement of the salutation, the torch drenched the goat mask in ochrous light which penetrated the penumbrous voids to reveal fanatical eyes'? Or, my personal favourite: 'Brendan was coming through the door behind her when a long, low snarl snatched at her stomach. Through the open sitting-room door bounded a dangerous beast that fetched up in the middle of a Persian carpet as if by some preordained design. The mask of the brutish Alsation was stretched tightly back from the clenched teeth and anticipatory saliva dribbed onto the carpet..."Jasper! Sit!" called an authoritative masculine voice. The salivating savage instantly snapped shut the stretched upper snout, removing the threat from exposed teeth, and turned a lowered head with snivelling servility towards the sitting-room'...I mean, what's wrong with 'a dog came in', for heaven's sake?!

And GOD, what he does to poor Sarah. When we're lucky, she's merely a flouncing-prone pert pretty girl, with lachrymal happy eyes. When we're not so lucky (i.e. 99% of the time), she lives in permanent fear of molestation. (Oh alright...the molestation thing only came up once. The rest of the screaming hysteria is for other reasons.)

For example...'Sarah Jane stood in the dark, supported by the wall at her back, rigid with shock. What K9 had reported was of unbelievable horror: that Tracey and Wilson were witches and that Brendan was to be a human sacrifice! The blood pounded at her throat and temples and her mouth was bone dry..."I can't think," got out Sarah Jane hoarsely. "I can't think, I can't think! Help me, K9, help me!"'

The girl (yes, GIRL!) can't even inflate her spare tyre without 'almost weeping with relief'. 'Agonised desperation' is 'the tormented girl's middle name. How could this shrinking violet possibly have coped travelling with the Doctor(s)? All that's at stake here is one irritating brat's life, it's hardly the end of the world!

Sarah's been covering the Ethiopian famine? Well, she's remarkably unaffected by it. Never gives it another thought.

God, do we really need pages on Sarah driving to the village, complete with the fact that she (of all people!) is prejudiced against women drivers?

If Commander Pollock's been Lavinia's business partner for over two years, and has been living in her house, how come he and Brendan - Lavinia's WARD - have never met before?

Long holiday, the Christmas holiday' - no it isn't. It's not usually much longer than a couple of weeks - and Brendan has already spent 'the better part of a fortnight' at school after it broke up.

"I'd take a taxi only I haven't enough money" - well, taxi-drivers are paid when they reach their destination where Sarah will be...with money.

'"Who is this doctor?" he asked. "affirmative," responded K9 logically and automatically' - god, and I thought that line couldn't get any worse...

So how DOES Tracey mysteriously and silently materialise at Sarah's side? Being a witch prevents you from crunching the gravel?

'The unexpected reminder of the Doctor notwithstanding Sarah Jane hadn't felt so happy all day' - hang on...y'mean getting an unexpected and delightful present from the Love Of Your Life (NB: School Reunion's description of the Doc, I'm not claiming even THIS book sinks quite so low) does not in any way compare with having tea and cake with the local postmistress?

Being told ONCE that 'There was no way for Sarah Jane to know that she was face to face with a witch, a member of the coven that had celebrated the esbat at the last full moon' would have been QUITE sufficient, thank you. Three times is just taking the mickey.

Why doesn't K9 shoot Tracey in the back as he's scrambling away? Would have saved an awful lot of chasing after him.

'That epitome of gallantry, the Doctor' - WHAT! That unchivalrous git dumped her in Aberdeen and scarpered!

You KNOW Tracey's got a key to the house. You know he's a baddie. So why not BOLT the doors a lot sooner?

What, precisely, is the POINT of all that bizarre pH-of-the-soil stuff?

"I love you like a sister" says Sarah to K9. She WHAT?!!

Why go to all the bother of lowering Brendan from his window rather than carrying him out through the house? And why doesn't Pollock lend a hand, given that's he's part of the coven and LIVES in the house...anyone would think he was saving himself for a dramatic revelation during the finale.

Why doesn't Sarah think to confront Tracey over Brendan's disappearance (Tracey having previously been caught in the act of trying to kidnap him) until K9 suggests it? And why does she then think it's a great idea for her to confront the dangerous lunatic alone for fear that he might *gasp* SEE K9!!! And why does she then say that she'll be "hanged if I'm going to have you exposed to whatever wickedness is going on here" two seconds before deciding that yeah, OK, K9 can accompany her.

Why does Sarah spend half her time saying 'Sorry' to the sexist Pollock every time he says 'Temper' or other condescending male criticisms?

Sarah is a CHURCHGOER? No she bloody isn't. Not a single Companion has shown the slightest on-screen inclination for such things (well, unless you count having a spider-infested nervous breakdown in a Buddhist monastery after trying to destroy the world), and whilst the books could claim that SOME of 'em were that way inclined without me batting an eyelid - Victoria, Jamie, even the Brig for example - I draw the line at Sarah. She's a feminist, even if this fact sadly passed Terence Dudley by. (And even if she WAS a god-botherer this would hardly extend to wasting the pitiful amount of time left to save Brendan's life by going into a Church and praying.)

And the Christian propaganda doesn't end there. The existence of an Archbishop of Canterbury's tombstone means that one particular Church can't be used as Brendan's place of sacrifice cos it 'transformed the place, pushing back distorted images, sinister shapes, dark thoughts. No coven could flourish its evil here'. Call me a little jaundiced, due to the current Archbishop of Canterbury's enthusiasm for Sharia Law, but...WHAT THE HELL???????

'Sarah Jane covered her face with her hands and moaned. Brendan's only hope had paid a terrible price for his disaffection' - yeah, cos witch-policeman Wilson was Brendan's only hope, it's not as if she and K9 had any practise at RESCUING PEOPLE/PLANETS, at all...

But lo! What light through yonder window breaks! By the NEXT PAGE Sarah has found ANOTHER fine manly man to be 'Brendan's last chance' - yup, it's good old Commander Pollock.

'She led the Doctor's robot upstairs' - er...how?

'Of one thing she was absolutely certain. Any reference to K9 at this stage wouldn't only wreck her credibility: they'd be ringing up for an ambulance to take her away' - except that - DUH! - she could just SHOW THEM THE BLEEDING DAWG!

Sarah's convinced that Tracey and co will be at his mum's farm. So why doesn't she, er, GO THERE?

OK. You know that numerous locals are involved in a human-sacrificing cult that in the last few days has kidnapped twice and murdered once. You've made your determination to stop it very public indeed (for reasons I can't quite fathom, but never mind). Whereupon someone determinedly attempts to run your car fatally off the road. Do you think: a) Omigawd, one of the coven is trying to kill me! or b) 'The fool was fancying his chances. She'd met the type often. They saw a girl in a sports car and set about showing off'? Yup, it's b)!

Sarah's a karate black belt? Since when!

So when taking on a coven of thirteen murderous loonies single-handed, Sarah 'doubted the robot could be of any further help'. Yeah, cos it's not like K9 can render anyone unconscious or anything...

Why doesn't Pollock tell Sarah where Lavinia went? Had Auntie seen fit to PHONE HOME his evil dastardliness would immediately have been apparent.

Oh, and there are plenty of typos. It's 'Lego', moron!

I read HSW many years ago, and I liked it. Who better to write a Harry Sullivan novel than the man who played him, Ian Marter. I heard that they wanted him to do a sequel, but Mr. Marter passed away before he could do it.

Who better to write a Harry Sullivan novel than the man who played him, Ian Marter.

Well, practically anyone, judging by Marter's excruciatingly boring and rather sado-masochistic novelisations. Not that I've ever managed to get hold of THIS...and it's desperately in need of a review, if you would be interested...?

Okay, Emily, I'll read it again, to refresh myself on the plot, and post a review. Thanks for asking me.

Yikes, two years on and I still haven't read it, where did the time go?

Yikes indeed. Since you ask, the time was largely swallowed up by the Gaping Chasm of Despair Year. (On the one hand, it would have made sense to catch up with such things when we had nothing better to do, i.e. while there was precious little New Who on TV. On the other hand, reading the likes of Harry Sullivan's War when we had nothing to live for may well have been pushing our luck.) Anyway, in the interim I have managed to acquire a copy of this thing, I just, um, haven't managed to READ it yet. So if you still feel like doing that review...

Well, I finally got around to reading this again, and I enjoyed it. This book clearly showed what Harry Sullivan was capable of as a character if the shows writers had let him expand.

Well, I finally got around to reading this again

••••. I finally gave up hope of any other Nitcentraller being stupid enough to read this thing and do a review, so...I read it myself last week. (Review to follow as soon as I have the strength.)

and I enjoyed it.

Weirdly enough, so did I...kind of. It was just as bad as I was expecting, but it was entertainingly bad rather than the excruciating tedium I'd expected after reading...well, TRYING to read...his Target novelisations.

Granted, he was brought on the show last minute, and his character was never really fleshed out

Was Harry really last-minute? I thought as soon as they knew they'd have a new Doctor, they planned a strong young male Companion in case said Doctor turned out to be a Hartnell type. You'd think any last-minute activity would involve cancelling the Harry figure the moment they saw Tom.

Had Harry appeared on the New Series, I think he would have gotten much better development than he did in the 70's.

Yeah - he'd've been in love with the Doctor, for starters ;)

Sarah Jane and the Brigadier also make nice cameos in this book.

NICE CAMEOS! I've never encountered such useless pathetic victim-wimps in my life!

From what I understand, Ian Marter was commisioned to write a sequel, but sadly passed away before he could.

'Sadly' is one way of putting it...That's weird, though. How come Harry'd get two books, K9 and Turlough one apiece, and no other Companion ANY?

At least he got a chance to write this one book that showed us that Harry Sullivan was not the imbecile many fans think he is.

Seriously? One of the things I rather liked about this book was the fact it captured Harry's imbecility rather well. Taking on the villains single-handed for example...AND getting drunk in the process...

Re: Companions of Dr.Who books...
Reportedly, there was intended to be a Post-Doctor Tegan story, written by Janet Fielding, but abysmal sales figures for the other 2 books, caused W.H Allen to cancel the rest of the proposed series...

How come Harry'd get two books, K9 and Turlough one apiece

Well considering how you felt about the Turlough book, Emily, would you really want another one?


there was intended to be a Post-Doctor Tegan story, written by Janet Fielding

That would have been an interesting read, IMHO. Too bad it never got written.

Reportedly, there was intended to be a Post-Doctor Tegan story, written by Janet Fielding

What on Earth makes people think that, just because they can act, they can WRITE?

but abysmal sales figures for the other 2 books

What's the MATTER with the human race?! They had the words 'Doctor' and 'Who' on the cover, what more could anyone ask for?!

Um, I mean, congratulations to my species for showing so much good sense.

Well considering how you felt about the Turlough book, Emily, would you really want another one?

No, no, mercy, oh gods, please, nooooooooooooooooooooo...

Have I mentioned that Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma is available for anyone who fancies the supreme honour of being a Nitcentral Reviewer? I can't be the only one with that thing sitting on my shelf glaring at me...

Have I mentioned that Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma is available for anyone who fancies the supreme honour of being a Nitcentral Reviewer? I can't be the only one with that thing sitting on my shelf glaring at me...

I reckon you very well may be- so get reading....

Have I mentioned that Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma is available for anyone who fancies the supreme honour of being a Nitcentral Reviewer? I can't be the only one with that thing sitting on my shelf glaring at me...


Sorry, Emily, I can't help you. I don't have it. I was able to find the Harry Sullivan book in my local bookstore, but not the Turlough one for some reason.

You're not the only one who has it on the shelf. Never read it though and it's in a different hemisphere now.

Fine. Absolutely FINE. I'll do it.

But just a friendly word of warning to all you people conveniently devoid of copies of Turlough And The Godawful Pile Of Rubbish. You remember in Android Invasion and Underworld, when Tom is tied to/clutching a bomb and cheerily suggesting that 'We all go together'? Well, those are my sentiments precisely. I don't intend to be the only one to suffer. I'm not quite sure how I'll spread the misery just yet, but rest assured it will be spread.

Well, Emily, I can't read what I don't have. Sorry about that.

Re: Janet Fielding & Writing
Unfortunately, for Emily, Ms Fielding graduated from the University of Queensland in 1978, with a degree in Journalism (oops)...
But can a Journalist write a good novel, however...?

Harry Sullivan's War:

Oh god, not another super-strong, silent black type a la Toby n'Toberman. Why did his murder-attempt merely leave bruises? Why didn't Harry alert the police? Or question the gym authorities about his identity? Or go to a (proper) doctor?

And why was Rainbow trying to kill Harry anyway? Given that the bad guys he worked for wanted Harry's help?

And why has Harry got the cheek to consider NATO as the attempted-murder culprit...?

HARRY is working to develop BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS? My god, if the Doctor ever discovers THAT...(Not that a word of this nonsense is canon, obviously.)

Why does Harry automatically feed Samantha AND her father a pack of lies - from his job to his name?

Why does Harry think 'Samantha' is a Russian name?

'He had been very touched by Esther's shy confession that she had always loved him and that she had never met anyone else she wanted to marry' - oh right, so he didn't feel BACKED INTO A CORNER, or anything?! And this is the bloke who pulled a face at the very IDEA of being married a few pages earlier...

How could Harry not have got suspicious about being rammed by a car...days after another murder attempt?

Why didn't the baddies lock Harry in from the start?

'The voice mumbled on' - that would be the 'deep and resonant precise military voice', then?

How lucky that, with an entire castle to cope with, the very first room Harry enters happens to have all his stuff.

Harry's sideburns are SHAVED? What the hell is the POINT of a sideburnless Harry Sullivan?

'His reluctance to transfer to weapons research and his doubts about Esther's intentions paled into insignificance in the light of his promotion and the solution to the mystery of recent events'. Right, let's get this straight...a) Harry is happy to develop biological weapons of mass destruction...as long as he's COMMANDER Sullivan, b) Which bit of 'I love you and I want to marry you' did he somehow not get? c) Several murder attempts were, somehow, just some sort of test by his superiors?

'Harry Sullivan is an imbecile' doesn't really BEGIN to cover it, really...

Harry's a neurologist? Since when?!

The Brig has a BUTLER? And is enjoying his life at school 'immensely'? The hell he is!

I can picture dear old Harry accidentally injecting someone with ten times the approved dosage. I can't picture him covering it up like that, though.

So Harry gets driven off the road then drugged and locked up by some nutters...and actually feels surprised and hurt when, on strolling back to visit said nutters, he gets locked up again...?

So why is Samantha going along with her dad's fiendish schemes (whatever the hell they are)? If she's prepared to stick her neck out like that for Our Hero?

So Harry freezes in shocked paralysis while the bad guys start chucking nerve poisons around, lock him up (again!) and scarper...? How's he survived so long if his reflexes are that bad?

How - even after he finds the recordings - can Harry not realise that the Brig's voice he heard WAS A ******* RECORDING!!!! And why exactly is he determined to think the worst of the Brig?

Hary LEFT THE GIRL?! Harry ABANDONED the member of THE FAIR SEX to succumb to deadly nerve gas while he scarpered to save his own skin? Sorry, but I don't believe a bally word of it.

So, provided Harry's jacket remains damp for another twelve hours, half the population of Scotland isn't likely to be reduced to twisted corpses? Well, that's nice. Call me over-cautious, but maybe Harry should have phoned a friend or something to let 'em know the situation...just in case the jacket needed a bit of watering...? Oh, and is the name 'Samantha' ringing any bells? Perhaps Harry could have alerted someone to rescue HER (or, by now, her twisted remains) since HE couldn't be arsed to...

How did the bad guys know exactly where Harry was - hours after he'd fled them in a car?

'A sharp pang of guilt shot through him. How could he have abandoned her?' - NOW you think of it!

It's not 'The Doctor', it's 'the Doctor', moron!

'So what are you doing in here, you wicked boy?' - Sarah talks like THAT to a jailed former fellow-Companion? Albeit one she hasn't bothered to see since Zygons (leaving aside Android Invasion...WHY NOT! She told ROSE to come and find her, but Sarah doesn't bother with Harry, the Brig (she'd've jogged his amnesiac memories fast enough if she'd bothered to visit during the Mawdryn years) or any of the rest of UNIT...except, of course, when she wants to use them, in Enemy of the Bane. Oh, and when she's looking for a name for her son for some bizarre reason.)

Oh dear god. The faithful friend who saw you through the giant robot, the Wirrn, the Sontarans, Davros, the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Vogans, the Zygons and the Kraals is in SERIOUS trouble. All he asks you to do is fetch something from his flat. You are a feisty feminist and fearless investigative journalist. When you find the police have sealed said flat and your editor wants to send you to cover a boring conference abroad, do you a) break into the flat, get Harry whatever he needs to clear his name before helping him defeat the bad guys, or b) write him a polite note in prison apologising for not being able to do anything...??????

'His delight at being rescued turning rapidly to panic' - Harry seriously thought he was being RESCUED not kidnapped? By whom, for heaven's sake?

Nice of the baddies to leave the key in the car ignition. Maybe it just didn't occur to them that Harry'd make a break for it. Which is fair enough, given that they're handing him loads of money AND LETTING HIM GO anyway...

...Oh, and why IS that, exactly? It's supposed to be so he can save Samantha's life, but as THEY know perfectly well she's in no danger...

So it's an 'extraordinary coincidence' that Harry sees Esther. Yeah, well, that's not the only extraordinary coincidence round here.

Why doesn't Gold recognise Harry's voice on the phone?

Great. Harry ruins his own cunning plan to catch the bad guys and clear his name...to stop Samantha getting slapped. Funny, given how he didn't lift a finger to save her when she was DYING OF GERM WARFARE, and all...

'It has just occurred to him that perhaps he should keep quiet about his past suspicions concerning the Brigadier' - isn't it a bit late now? I thought he'd just told de Longpre EVERYTHING?!

Why don't the security forces check out the van Gogh society? Are they EVEN THICKER THAN HARRY SULLIVAN? And why, in these circumstances, do the baddies go ahead with their meeting? And why does Harry decide it 'ought to be safe enough' to gatecrash it? And why doesn't he alert the security forces? Why isn't he suspicious when he's handed an excuse-for-committing-suicide note? And lured onto the promenade? Why, alone and defenceless amidst his enemies, is he all 'What a triumph it would be for him to lead the authorities right into the nest of villains...it would prove once and for all that Harry Sullivan was not an imbecile or an accident-prone goofer. How proud Sarah Jane Smith would be!' one minute and 'scared and miserable' the next?

Why does Harry - used to knocking back the triple whiskeys (according to this, if not anything we actually saw on-screen) get drunk on a couple of glasses of champagne? And isn't getting drunk on the roof of a very tall building when surrounded by people trying to murder you a bit bloody stupid, even by Harry Sullivan standards?

'"Why didn't I think of it before?" he gasped. "Identical twins...Plain as a pikestaff"' - the hell it is! That makes no sense whatsoever! It doesn't even explain how wheelchaired 'Samantha' had that erratic pulse!

So...why DID the Brig have that little chat with someone about UNIT's secrets? Why did he react so suspiciously to the mention of van Gogh? Why did he get tied up in the school cellar? And why does that instantly make Harry dismiss all his well-founded suspicions?

Ah, I see you finally read this again, Emily. Will the Turlough book be that far behind?


HARRY is working to develop BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS? My god, if the Doctor ever discovers THAT

In Harry's defense, he's not too thrilled about it. However, when you're in the military, you do as you're told. Quitting is not really an option.

when you're in the military, you do as you're told. Quitting is not really an option.

Except that...in this book...Harry seemed to be seriously considering quitting. Until he got his promotion...

Yes, but you can't quit, once you join, you're in until your five years (or however long) is up. You have the choice of reenlisting, of course.

They can throw you out (which means you lose all benefits and such), but you can't quit.

Yes, but you can't quit, once you join, you're in until your five years (or however long) is up.

Ah. I forgot about that. In my defence, so did Ian Marter, what with Harry having a 'dilemma over his future career' and all.

Still, it's totally academic now. Darling Harry saved MILLIONS of lives with his vaccines according to the ENTIRELY CANONICAL Sarah Jane Adventures. I.e. the EXACT OPPOSITE of what THIS stupid book claims he was up to.

I guess Harry's not such an imbecile after all.

Nah, he probably just accidentally stumbled across some far-future/alien/miraculous cure-all formulae when he was haplessly wandering around space and time. Even an imbecile would have been able to put 'em to good use back on Earth...

Man, you're not gonna cut Harry any slack, are you.

I love Harry, you know that! (It's just that...like Sarah Jane's claimed love of Harry...it may not be immediately evident.) It's not MY fault if Russell T God Himself happened to write a New Adventure where Harry found an AIDS vaccine thanks to another Companion happening to sleep around in the 1980s...

It's not MY fault if Russell T God Himself happened to write a New Adventure where Harry found an AIDS vaccine

I wonder if Harry got the Nobel Prize for that.

Re: A HIV/AIDS vaccine
Or alternately he's been sued, for "nicking someone else's research"...
In case you're wondering, several vaccines against HIV have been tested in real life, without any real success...
The main reason for this is that the virus has mutated over time, since the 1950's, when the first case was reported, and several HIV sub-strains have now come into existence, to the point you can tell where the HIV-Positive person was infected...

I wonder if Harry got the Nobel Prize for that.

Well, looked it up in Damaged Goods, and Harry ('former Chief of Staff, MI5' - well, MI5 never did manage to catch a single spy, I suppose having Harry in charge helps explain that) wrote a memo in 2015. So RTG didn't just trample over everyone else's novels, he trampled over his own too. Cos the distinct impression I got from Death of the Doctor was that the Doctor might not be a goner, but poor dear Harry was...

Anyway, no mention of a Nobel Prize in the offing.

several HIV sub-strains have now come into existence

Ah. That would be why Harry mentions the antivirus is 'only applicable to HIV1 at the moment'.

Anyway, no mention of a Nobel Prize in the offing

Harry got robbed!

Oh, stuff and nonsense! Harry doesn't deserve a Nobel, just cos he happened to notice some happy effects after the extremely heterosexual Chris Cwej found himself stuck in an RTG novel and therefore obliged to have gay sex.

SARAH was the one who was robbed. No Christmas on a Rational Planet 'Sarah-Jane Morley' speech to the Nobel Academy in 1998...not any more...

Re: "But can a Journalist write a good novel, however?" - guess you can always check out http://www.journosdiary.biz

Why is it K-dot-9 on the spine and cover, and K9 everywhere else?

Considering that Logo was/is the name of a "Pre-BBC Basic", computer programming language, used in the educational sector at the time, to teach young children to program computers, this might not be a typo...

If only I could remember the context. Ah well...it was the LEAST of my problems with this book.

Right. Never let it be said I haven't EARNED my place as your All-Powerful Moderator. In fact, I've earned a lot more than that. I should be reclining on a couch while you people feed me grapes and silk dresses, a la Keys of Marinus...um, what I'm saying is, after years of procrastination, I read Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma. And after a couple of months of recovery time, I'm reviewing the ******* abomination in a fair and even-handed manner.

How much did they PAY Strickson to write that intro?! It should have been the GDP of a major country, to compensate for leaving him with THAT much egg on his face...'Tony Attwood comes out with creative guns blazing'. 'The end result of his labours surpasses even my expectations.' 'Here Turlough arrives for the first time with three dimensions: he has warmth, depth, a sense of humour (believe it or not!) and, dare I say, a "humanity"'. 'The story kept my attention throughout as I'm sure it will you.'

OBVIOUSLY the jammy git didn't actually READ the thing.

And neither did whoever was supposed to be proof-reading it, though I can hardly fault them for that, even aside from the fact the typos are the only things of interest in the entire book.

So Turlough's a member of some genius revered ruling-class 'Clan'? Since when?

And if they're so worshipped post-counter-revolution...why is Turlough treated with such disrespect in Planet of Fire?

So the Clans shared all their research - but 'somehow never got round to telling anyone' about cold fusion spaceships?

'The alien Black Guardian' - a rather odd description of said entity.

'The young Clansman realised it was time to give up running and face the rest of his exile' - you mean the END of his exile, cretin.

'Very few Clansmen survived exile' - yeah, those British public schools can be DEADLY...

Two years have passed on Trion since Turlough was exiled?! Meaning, he stuck around for the majority of Rehctaht's rule? And his brother grew from baby to teenager in two years?!

Oops, sorry...mustn't mention the brother...he's obviously a non-person. Not a single mention of him in the entire book. Even more glaring than the way the CIVIL WAR mentioned in Planet of Fire is suddenly a revolution. Turlough made a principled stand against the dictator, his exile had nothing to do with his parents being on the wrong side IN A CIVIL WAR at all.

Ah. I see said principled stand involved attacking evil dictator Rehctaht's 'belief in greater personal freedoms'...UH?

'There was however something different about her. A certain reserve that had not been there before...' - RESERVE? The woman's been shamelessly chasing him all round the planet!

'Blue vines, which emitted a singularly tasty but foul-smelling yellow slime' - CAN something that smells disgusting actually taste good? I thought our taste-buds were seriously affected by our sense of smell?

'Your mind has been warped by four years away Turlough!' - you said it was TWO years ten pages earlier!

'As he had half expected she had given up the wait and left' - he's been gone hours, if that! And the shameless hussy who's been stalking him couldn't even wait that long in the comfort of his own home?!

So Turlough was two years with the Doctor? I'd be surprised. But then, as I'd also be surprised if the author can count up to two using his fingers we needn't take this too seriously.

'Only a Clansman, the inheritor of nine thousand years continuous scientific research and technological application, could have done it' - funny, isn't it, that Turlough never displayed any of this genius when aboard the TARDIS?

'He was giving up a lot by making this trip into space - power, prestige, friends' - WHAT friends?! And if the entire planet is in a state of Turlough-mania (no, really) a brief absence will no doubt just make their hearts grow fonder.

Turlough seriously thinks he can start a revolution...if he can prove that the Government have allied themselves with a vaguely dodgy alien race? Which part of THATCHER GOT AWAY WITH SENDING THE SAS TO TRAIN THE KHMER ROUGE did he not notice during his exile...?

So the Time Lords 'constantly monitored the time waves, jealously guarding their temporal monopoly'...but only PLANETS. They forgot to monitor space for time-travel. (I note also that Turlough and Juras don't factor in any local collateral damage that might result when deciding whether or not to hold their test on a planet.)

So in all those millennia the Clans never met a moral dilemma about how much of their scientific work was safe to release to the public? They ALWAYS just published and be damned...?

So Rehctaht DID want time travel - you said earlier she didn't. And via gravity - which you said earlier was the most inexplicable of forces. NOW suddenly its the basis of their entire science...

'Turlough's memories of [the planet] Regal were neither positive or negative'. Oh yeah? Cos ONE PARAGRAPH LATER we're being told how 'overwhelmed...and proud' he was of what he saw on Regal.

Turlough and Juras are in a time machine. Turlough and Juras land on a previously industrialised planet that now shows no signs of civilisation. Turlough and Juras decide they're in the 'wrong place'. Turlough and Juras are VERY VERY THICK.

'Even if the eagles seemed unable to break through the glass of the Runner these birds, heading straight at them at around two hundred kilometres per hour could well dive directly into the vehicle and smash it to bits' - what, so they can smash up the entire vehicle EXCEPT the glass....??

'At the present rate their muon drive would overheat' - so much for the high-tech.

Why exactly does the Magician send Turlough and Juras visions of terrifying monsters? If it's an attempt to inject some excitement into this book, it's a dismal failure.

'Turlough, with his near-perfect memory' - since when?! MEL'S near-perfect memory got referenced all the bloody time...

'The primitives of Earth had worked out what an interstellar ship ought to look like even if they were several thousand years away from building one' - the HELL we are! Just look at Adelaide's granddaughter go!

The Doctor spent his life interfering, 'often at the behest of the High Council of the Time Lords on Gallifrey' - WHEN exactly, during Turlough's time on the TARDIS?

So 'Lethbridge-Steward' (sic) got 'an amazing headache that lasted for years' during Mawdryn Undead...

'In fact, it is quite possible that this is yet another reincarnation of the Time Lord I travelled with - the Doctor.' Let's get something clear. The Giant Rat in Talons has more of a resemblance to my beloved Doctor than this bloody Magician abomination does.

So electrifying the floor, walls and ceiling of a spaceship is standard issue? That's a bit risky.

So it's 'too late' to escape by travelling in time. Except that...er...they escape by travelling in time.

'I left Trion because I refused to help in the military build-up' - you did? That's funny. Cos earlier this book stated it was because you opposed individual freedoms. Plus it's a bit odd to get exiled because of moral anguish over a planet's self-defence programme when you're prepared to smash an innocent man's head in with a rock to get OUT of exile.

To be continued...when I regain the will to live...

So Turlough's a member of some genius revered ruling-class 'Clan'? Since when?

The novelization of Planet Of Fire makes references to the Imperial Clans, that used to rule Trion. Turlough's family was one of these Clans.


evil dictator Rehctaht

It's easy to see where THIS author's political leanings were (Rehctaht being an anagram of Thatcher, who was PM when this book was written). Whether you agreed with her policies or not, Margaret Thatcher was DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED. If the people hated her, they could have voted her out, but they didn't (it was an internal coup from her own party that forced her out). It seems some people want to put Thatcher alongside the likes of Hitler, Stalin, and Ceausescu!

Still, Emily, I commend you for reading this book, even though it's obvious you loathe it.

The novelization of Planet Of Fire makes references to the Imperial Clans, that used to rule Trion. Turlough's family was one of these Clans.

Oh god now I've got to read the Planet of Fire novelisation...er, I mean, thanks for letting me know. I'd assumed Earthlink just made up this 'Clan' rubbish out of thin air for no readily apparent reason (just like the rest of the book).

It seems some people want to put Thatcher alongside the likes of Hitler, Stalin, and Ceausescu!

She sent the SAS to train the Khmer Rouge. They'd just wiped out a third of Cambodia, but they weren't good enough at killing for her liking.

Still, Emily, I commend you for reading this book, even though it's obvious you loathe it.

THANK you. I'm not usually the type to need a Jackson-Lake-style round of applause whenever I so much as blow my own nose, but THIS was something else. The thing about Who is...it ALL has redeeming features. Dominators has 'Just act stupid, Jamie. D'you think you can manage that?' Dimensions in Time has the sight of Tom Baker. Trial of a Time Lord has a bald Peri being shot dead. Web Planet has a joke about aspirin. The plastic hunchbacked Daleks have Matt Smith waving a jammy dodger at them. The comics brought us The Lodger. Time and the Rani kills off Colin Baker (well, a Colin Baker wig, anyway). The Sixteen Long And Barren Years Of Despair gave birth to Dead Romance. The Big Finish audios have Flip Flop. The Australian K9 series has K9 (albeit with farting and bloody stupid ears). But THIS...this is the ONE Who-related product in the universe with NO REDEEMING FEATURES WHATSOEVER.

Still...all congratulations should probably be postponed until I've managed to actually do the synopsis and type up the other half of my notes...

'You won't believe what the next week holds' - actually Mr omniscient Time Lord, the next TWO weeks hold nothing but boring research.

Riiiiight. So this subsistence-level society decides what it REALLY need is...a nuclear fission bomb. Er...how? WHY?

Turlough's verdict on Earthlings: 'Every time they come up with some development that might just take them out of the Dark Ages, they instantly start worrying about whether it is right or not....I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if within fifty years they actually start rejecting science all together [sic] and head back for the Bronze Age.' I've heard saner analyses of humanity from Islamic fundamentalists.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the omniscient Time Lord decides that's 'a fair assessment' and adds that 'Your ethics prevent you from making war machines; their ethics prevent them doing everything but creating the means of death' - leaving aside the foul slander...isn't this the exact opposite of what Turlough was just saying?

Who sees 'the pink of my eyelids' when they shut their eyes?

Juras couldn't warn anyone the Mobile Castle was about to take off for fear of rousing suspicion - but she could have discretely held onto something herself - instead of getting smashed unconscious.

If you turn an island into a spaceship, what about...y'know...OXYGEN and stuff?

Also, GUESSING the direction in which you should travel to get home is a leetle on the over-optimistic side. (Or would be if this abomination followed any sort of logic. But Turlough's just turned an island on a backward, non-technological world into a space-and-time-machine in one week flat, so what the hell.)

Why does Turlough invent a time machine in the first place, if he intends to live by the tradition of the Clans - i.e. that any old Tom, Dick and Harry will get one? Does it not OCCUR to him that this might cause a few problems?

Juras seems remarkably unconcerned about the destruction of her planet.

Oh, gods, spare me more of Tony Attwood's staggeringly inept political commentary. This time on the Cold War - that 'the people in each camp did feel their leadership was right' - the HELL they did! Did he somehow not NOTICE Hungary in 56 or Czechoslovakia in 68?

And why does Turlough come to Earth to see if it'll blow itself up in 50 years' time? He's BEEN 100 years into the future in Warriors of the Deep so should know it doesn't.

Oh look, Earth's just blown itself up. Ah well.

So one minute Turlough is justifying why he doesn't blow the Gardsormr ships out of the sky...and only later does he realise HIS SHIP HAS NO WEAPONS!!! (Something that also escaped Juras's attention. Somehow.)

Ah, lovely. Giant slugs. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse. Well, at least they can't NOW.

Oh look, giant slugs being eviscerated! Obviously I was wrong.

So once radiation has gone, the deformities it's caused in people also vanish? Since when?

'The unaccountable behaviour of The Magician' - yeah, cos 'showing no sign of wanting to interfere at all' is just SO bizarre for a Time Lord hell-bent on non-interference...

So the excuse for the whole ludicrous existence of New Trion is that it 'was set up by [Rehctaht] as a source of slave labour for some other wild scheme which she later forgot' - how...convenient.

Oh god, the author doesn't just want to reveal unto us his politico-social convictions, he also wants to enlighten us about the universal force of gravity...please please no, whatever crime I committed in a former life to be cursed like this I'M SORRY I'M SO SORRY...

'"In a gravity-held universe," Turlough announced, "uncertainty rules totally. And a direct result of uncertainty is that all possible pasts and futures exist, because all particles exist in all locations of thier potential wave patterns."' - funny that was never mentioned in DOCTOR WHO, isn't it?

Taking over Juras's mind is one thing, but how exactly did Rehctaht transform Juras's body into her own?

Why doesn't Rehctaht extract all Turlough's knowledge before, er, going after his body? And why DOES she go after HIS body?

How does she expect to keep the body-swapping secret, given the number of people involved?

Why does Turlough materialise so close to the revolution - when Rehctaht could already have taken Juras's body?

Why do her devoted fans leave her/Turlough unguarded?

Why isn't Turlough ripped to pieces by the group of counter-revolutionaries who mistake him for a Rehctaht supporter?

How does everyone know Turlough's fighting surrogate-Rehctaht?

My god, this was actually WORSE THAN I REMEMBERED. And when I remember something as being THAT bad, this is quite an achievement. Even Dimensions in Time wasn't worse than I remembered. I truly think I would actually rather reread Rags.

According to Wikipedia, the Companion books sold well. However, the series ended due to legal reasons. Apparently, there was a rights disputes between the publishers and the BBC, which forced the series to end.

That is why the Tegan book was never written. When lawyers get involved, these things can get bogged down for years.

Never thought I'd say it, but...good for the lawyers. Better late than never.

Come on, the Harry book was not that bad.

As for the Turlough one, I've never read it, so I can't really form an opinion. However, Emily, I can see you're not too thrilled with it.

Come on, the Harry book was not that bad.

It SO was.

Luckily, it was in a 'so bad it's good' kinda way...

As for the Turlough one, I've never read it, so I can't really form an opinion. However, Emily, I can see you're not too thrilled with it.

I can't THINK what gave the game away...

...But don't EVER read it.

To quote the Tenth Doctor, 'No, don't. Just...don't.'

Okay, I won't.

However, I did enjoy the Harry book. Of course, maybe I'm a bit biased, because I've always liked Harry Sullivan

Well. Having cheerily spat all over Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma in Kiss of Death - giving Turlough a different Love Of His Life and a backstory not involving Clans, though unfortunately STILL bringing Earthlink to mind and thus making Kiss seem EVEN WORSE than it actually WAS - Big Finish only go and REFERENCE THE ABOMINATION in Heroes of Sontar. Turlough swears 'By Rehctaht' - WHY for the love of the gods, WHY?

DWM: 'Janet Fielding...was going to submit a proposal for a Tegan book....Ian Marter was going to pen a sequel to Harry Sullivan's War and Sarah Jane Smith, Victoria, Jamie and UNIT books were all on the cards.' - Well. Anyone who says that nozzing in ze vorld could be worse than Harry Sullivan's War, K9 and Company and Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma (that would be me) must now face the fact that things could have been much, MUCH worse...

The Devil in the Smoke E-Book by (obviously) Justin Richards:

Well, OBVIOUSLY it's too short, too flimsy, too pointless, too childish, and I spent the ENTIRE BOOK trying to work out how it fit in with The Snowmen before it eventually dawned on me that...it didn't. It's a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT tale of an alien arrival affecting an industrialist and snowmen and suchlike. But I actually still managed to quite enjoy it, due of course to the new love of my life, Strax, as he struggles to replace Sontar-HA! with Pater-Nos-Ta!

So the cap flies from Harry's head – and again a page later. Without him actually stopping to pick it up and put it back on.

Why not question the ruffians about why they're chasing the boy and who their boss is?

Failure in a task means that Sontarans volunteer for court-martial followed by immersion in coronic acid followed by a laser-blast to the probic vent since WHEN?!

'That will not be necessary Strax' 'Strax seemed perhaps disappointed, and slumped back down in his chair' - oh come OFF it. Strax discovered in A Good Man Goes To War that dying just isn't any fun.

'Before Harry could move'– Harry knew he was in trouble at least 30 seconds ago, why didn't he move THEN?

Jenny just FORGOT that the policeman told her the name of the suspected murderer?

'Strax had brought no weapon but himself, which was by any measure weapon enough' - nonsense, Sontarans love their guns and Strax is always trying to persuade Madame Vastra to break out the grenades.

'Vastra assured her maidservant and friend' - oh come ON, who d'you think you're PROTECTING from this nasty 'homosexuality' thing? Which bit of 'WE'RE MARRIED' in The Snowmen do you think readers of this book will somehow have missed?

Have to say, Richards does this besieged-by-smoke thing SO much less boringly than Jonny Morris managed in that godawful Haunting of Thomas Brewster audio.

Sontarans follow Shadow Proclamation rules since WHEN?!

Vastra's house is full of guests? Where?

'I shall make immediate inquiries about your suitability for enrolment in the Sontaran Greater Military Academy' - sorry, I find it impossible to contemplate a) Sontarans taking in HUMANS to train in their academies, and b) Strax still being in contact with his superiors.

'I've been in your shoes, Lizzie. I've destroyed whole worlds and have had to live with the burden. Believe me, you don't want to press that button' - blimey, when has the Doctor blown up other worlds than Gallifrey? (He obviously missed Skaro,

Seven might have been tricked into tricking Davros into blowing up a fake Skaro, as War claims, the Daleks might have founded a new Skaro after the original blew up, or even both, thanks to Time War weirdness.

Whatever happened though, a star was definitely blown up, taking all its planets with it. It doesn't matter whether one of those planets was Skaro or not; either way, the Doctor will still feel responsible for the destruction.

On a bad day, the Doctor might also blame himself for Mondas blowing up. It wasn't his fault, of course, but he might think he should have tried to stop it exploding.

Plus, their Silurian chums called them Sea Devils in Warriors of the Deep...

Surely, that was the Tardis translation.

Failure in a task means that Sontarans volunteer for court-martial followed by immersion in coronic acid followed by a laser-blast to the probic vent since WHEN?!

It may not have been mentioned before, but it does seem like their style. Is there anything that explicitly contradicts this?

I find it impossible to contemplate a) Sontarans taking in HUMANS to train in their academies, and b) Strax still being in contact with his superiors.

Since Strax isn't from the Victorian era, I'm pretty sure the Doctor wouldn't allow him to contact his superiors, not until he reaches his proper time via the slow path. That needn't stop Strax going through the motions though. He's stuck on a primitive alien world, completely cut off from all other members of his species and society. Clinging to the familiar rituals of military bureaucracy is an understandable enough reaction.

a star was definitely blown up, taking all its planets with it. It doesn't matter whether one of those planets was Skaro or not; either way, the Doctor will still feel responsible for the destruction.

Well, I didn't actually NOTICE him giving a ••••, post-Remembrance.

On a bad day, the Doctor might also blame himself for Mondas blowing up.

Look, he's had some bad days, but none of 'em THAT bad.

Failure in a task means that Sontarans volunteer for court-martial followed by immersion in coronic acid followed by a laser-blast to the probic vent since WHEN?!

It may not have been mentioned before, but it does seem like their style. Is there anything that explicitly contradicts this?

The fact that Linx (Time Warrior), Kade (Taking of Chelsea 426), Kaagh (Last Sontaran/Enemy of the Bane), Styre (Sontaran Experiment) et al never seemed worried by such a fate BEFORE.

Not to mention the fact that there were traditional processes for restoring honour after you'd failed in a task - destroying Earth after the Doctor had beaten you (The Last Sontaran), killing a Rutan spy after the Doctor had beaten you (Shakedown) or doing whatever the Doctor tells you after someone (presumably the Doctor) had beaten you (A Good Man Goes To War).

Plus, why bother calling yourself 'Staal the Undefeated' if any defeat would automatically have led to you being tortured to death? I don't go round calling myself Emily The Not Dead Yet.

That needn't stop Strax going through the motions though. He's stuck on a primitive alien world, completely cut off from all other members of his species and society. Clinging to the familiar rituals of military bureaucracy is an understandable enough reaction.

Yeah, Strax is desperately clinging to various delusions, bless him, but at least said delusions are usually based on the facts - such as Sontarans understand 'em - of his previous life. But I'd stake MY life that humans would NEVER be admitted to Sontaran Academies. As telling Rattigan exactly what they thought of him proved, Sontarans were incredibly bad at even PRETENDING to accept these scum as allies on their homeground for more than five minutes.

Oh, and why didn't Strax ONCE refer to Harry as a 'half form'in Devil in the Smoke?

Well, I didn't actually NOTICE him giving a ••••, post-Remembrance.

Seven didn't. Later Doctors might have felt guilty about a lot of things they did as Seven.

never seemed worried by such a fate BEFORE.

That could be blamed on their overconfidence.

there were traditional processes for restoring honour after you'd failed in a task

Like being sent on a mission the high command do not expect you to survive? That's what your examples look like, but it's just another form of death sentence.

Does Strax actually say that failure always is always punished through death by torture, or do his exact words leave room for other punishments, such as being assigned impossible task.

Strax is desperately clinging to various delusions, bless him, but at least said delusions are usually based on the facts

Perhaps offering to recommend his human acquaintances to the Sontaran Academy is Strax trying to compliment them (for the sake of morale, of course, not because he actually cares about their feelings.) Basically, since Strax has no real idea how to relate to alien civilians, he sticks to what he knows, and treats them like mildly defective fellow Sontarans - defective because they lack proper martial spirit.

Well, I didn't actually NOTICE him giving a ••••, post-Remembrance.

Seven didn't. Later Doctors might have felt guilty about a lot of things they did as Seven.

I don't remember THAT either. (Though I have finally remembered Seven, shortly before his regeneration in Room With No Doors, thinking that he'd be locked up for all eternity for his crimes, but I think that was more due to murdering the Sixth Doctor than blowing up the odd planet. Plus he wasn't feeling guilt so much as fear of retribution.)

Though I suppose the very existence of Eight - certainly not a boring wimp in the Davison mould but not exactly the universe's most ruthless pro-active master-manipulator either - might be a rejection of everything Seven stood for.

there were traditional processes for restoring honour after you'd failed in a task

Like being sent on a mission the high command do not expect you to survive?

Exactly! That's a USEFUL way of getting rid of the buggers. Any army that punished any failure by torturing the culprit hideously to death would surely have morale problems, at the very least.

Does Strax actually say that failure always is always punished through death by torture, or do his exact words leave room for other punishments, such as being assigned impossible task.

Ah. That's a point. The fact he was VOLUNTEERING for it might suggest there were other options...on the other hand, why WOULD he volunteer for a hideous death for a very minor failure if it WASN'T the Sontaran norm?

Basically, since Strax has no real idea how to relate to alien civilians, he sticks to what he knows, and treats them like mildly defective fellow Sontarans

Oh, I think dear old Straxy knows EXACTLY who the defective one of the Paternoster Gang is, and it sure as hell isn't Vastra or Jenny...

.on the other hand, why WOULD he volunteer for a hideous death for a very minor failure if it WASN'T the Sontaran norm?

Possibly, the tradition is that the disgraced Sontaran volunteers for an hideous death, but their superior officer 'generously' declines this, and sends them on a suicidal mission instead. It fits their general culture well enough.

The Crimson Horror has now blessed us with fresh evidence!

'Horse! You have failed in your mission! We are lost...Do you have any final words before your summary execution?'

NO offers of suicide missions...though, on the bright side, no mention of coronic acid either.

Clearly, Sontarans have different standards for non-Sontarans under their command, which is hardly surprising.

Sontarans don't routinely use soldiers from other species, but it does happen - Time Warrior, Invasion of Time, etc - so they will have protocols for dealing with soldiers of 'lesser' races, not capable of living up to Sontaran military standards, protocols which Strax is using to deal with horses, and presumably other domestic animals.

Good point...in theory...but I don't remember Linx and whatstheirfaces-from-Two-Docs ever attempting summary executions of Irongron or the Androgums. But then, they WERE just so much less FUN than Strax.

Oh, I think dear old Straxy knows EXACTLY who the defective one of the Paternoster Gang is

OK, so I was spectacularly wrong, what with Strax assuming that only HE has the good looks, charm and intelligence to infiltrate Sweetville...

As I said, I enjoyed Harry Sullivan's War. It's a shame Ian Marter never got the chance to write that sequel.

I wonder, if the damned BBC lawyers hadn't shut this down, would we have gotten a Nyssa book? I would have certainly read that

It looks as if Sarah Sutton was one of the few Companions who DIDN'T delude herself that she could effortlessly become a brilliant and bestselling author, so presumably a Nyssa book would have been fairly low down the list. And if the Sarah Jane/Victoria/Jamie/UNIT/oh-god-another-Harry books were half as bad as their predecessors, by THAT time Who fans would have had a revolution rather than suffer any more 'Companions of Doctor Who' books. (I do realise it takes a LOT for a Fan to tear herself away from the small screen and have a revolution ('How many Who fans does it take to change a lightbulb?' 'None, they just sit around waiting for it to come back on') but trust me, ONE more Earthlink Dilemma-type book would have done it, no question.)

I'm not saying Sarah Sutton would write it (Mark Strickson didn't write the Turlough book, after all). Maybe Johnny Byrne could have, he created Nyssa, after all.

Well, I guess we'll never know. I still stand with my comments that I enjoyed this Harry book.

Summer Falls:
Summer Falls is the book that was seen in The Bells of St John and any eagled viewer would have noticed that it was written by a Amelia Williams. Of course she is better known to Doctor Who fans as Amy Pond.
Summer Falls was eventually published for public consumption and here is what I think of it:
A very fun little adventure with a very good protagonist in Kate.
Very intriguing on what went on here including how Mr Mitchell and the Lord of Winter played their part in the story.
After the resolution was provided for in the penultimate chapter it sure brought a calming effect in the final chapter and what a way to end this very enjoyable book.

This makes it a very unique entry into canon. It's canonical that Amy (or at the very least someone with the same name) wrote such a book, though it's not necessarily that the events described actually happened.

But then the book cover, in its few variants, clearly proclaim it as a Doctor Who tie-in, which I assume the one in Bells of St John doesn't, so the book as we have it is not exactly the canonical version...man this is confusing.

So what would have happened if an earlier Doctor had read it? or perhaps Pertwee (for random example) found it, realized what it was, and put it away until such a time that it was safe to read. Having not read it myself, I'm aware from reviews that the Doctor appears but not named as such, so I'm not sure if the Doctor would have recognized it for what it is. Not that I'd really expect a Doctor to read such a book anyway, but that would make an interesting short story in and of itself.

Emily, what in the dead gods of Krypton convinced you to lump all three novel into one section. It was easier to read which novel one was talking about when they were separate.

I suggest you put things back the way they were here.

It honestly felt WRONG for such unimportant uncanonical things - Companion books and audio/unmade story novelisations - to have their own individual sections. All the radio plays are lumped together in Audios, so it was bizarre that their novelisations weren't. Not that I'm criticising Mike of course, when he set up the board originally there were several million fewer books and no audios and it was perfectly reasonable.

Of course I can't deny that the fact several of the threads were grossly out-of-date and would have required me to reread the abominations in question to drag them into the 2010s was an influence. To read The Ultimate Evil ONCE may be accounted a misfortune. To read The Ultimate Evil twice...

It honestly felt WRONG for such unimportant uncanonical things - Companion books and audio/unmade story novelisations

But all the later novels have their own sections, and they stopped being canon nearly a decade ago.

Yeah, but they're ORIGINAL. And had a massive influence on the new series. Whereas most of the stuff I've amalgamated are just novelisations. The only exceptions are Harry's Sullivan's War and Earthlink Dilemma, which are certainly original, but also so staggeringly bad that I'm not feeling REMOTELY guilty.

Yeah, but they're ORIGINAL. And had a massive influence on the new series.

They did? Granted a couple of authors adapted their novels into TV episodes, but that's about it.


The only exceptions are Harry's Sullivan's War and Earthlink Dilemma, which are certainly original, but also so staggeringly bad that I'm not feeling REMOTELY guilty.

Whether you think they're good or bad is entirely beside the point. HSW and TTED original novels, so their own sections should be restored.

Yeah, but they're ORIGINAL. And had a massive influence on the new series.

They did? Granted a couple of authors adapted their novels into TV episodes, but that's about it.

Are you kidding? From the Doctor's marriage to the disappearance of your kid if you're not looking at it, from the Doctor's grave to the bone-masked blood-obsessed monsters, from the Time War that destroyed Gallifrey to the Time Lords' plan to escape said destruction by ascending into higher beings of pure thought, from jumping off a tall building into a parked-sideways TARDIS to a TARDIS in female human form, half the most drastic ideas in New Who are nicked straight from Lawrence Miles novels...

The only exceptions are Harry's Sullivan's War and Earthlink Dilemma, which are certainly original, but also so staggeringly bad that I'm not feeling REMOTELY guilty.

Whether you think they're good or bad is entirely beside the point. HSW and TTED original novels, so their own sections should be restored.

I'll agree that technically speaking how bad a thing is shouldn't have any bearing on the situation - Rags has its own section and very popular it is too (the section not the book, obviously). But I don't see why I should be TOTALLY uninfluenced by the fact that Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma is literally one of the worst things ever produced by the human race.

Plus, being original doesn't guarantee you the honour of your own Nitcentral thread. As well as hundreds of short stories and a few dozen Quick Reads, Choose Your Own Adventures, Time Hunter novellas, etc, there are full-length Big Finish Bernice Summerfield novels that are JUST as much 'Companions of Doctor Who' as Earthlink Dilemma all shoved together in one thread. Not to mention the Faction Paradox novels...

But I don't see why I should be TOTALLY uninfluenced by the fact that Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma is literally one of the worst things ever produced by the human race

As Moderator, you can't allow your personal biases to dictate how you run this board, Emily. You have to be above all that. You have to take the bad with the good.

How about you put the HSW and TTED threads in the Missing Adventure section. They are MA, just not ones that involve the Doctor.

I mean Benny Summerfield has her own section, and she's not even a canon character.

Doctor Who is definitely canon in the Benny universe.

You have to take the bad with the good.

Not if he's John Hurt I don't.

How about you put the HSW and TTED threads in the Missing Adventure section. They are MA, just not ones that involve the Doctor.

But there are loads of original AUDIOS - including Companion Chronicles, including CCs with Turlough's real live voice (though not, sadly, Harry's) that don't have their own sections, so why should Companion novels?

Doctor Who is definitely canon in the Benny universe.

I wouldn't want to bet on that. Why does Benny NEVER think about him? And where the **** was he during the gods' arc? And the Time Lords obviously DON'T hide themselves in a bottle...

But there are loads of original AUDIOS - including Companion Chronicles, including CCs with Turlough's real live voice (though not, sadly, Harry's) that don't have their own sections, so why should Companion novels?

Whatever. I give up.

Summer Falls and Other Stories:

Alright, I'll admit it. The words 'Amelia Williams' on the cover STILL get to me like nails scraped down a blackboard.

Introduction:

'It is simply delightful to be offered the chance to write an introduction to this collection' - yeah, as if AMY would EVER have said ANYTHING like THAT (even if she IS pretending to be some prehistoric person to fit in with the era she's stranded in).

'One is, of course, my own Summer Falls, which introduced the world to the magical life of Kate Webster, "The Girl Who Waited".' - Is this implying there are MORE Kate books around? Cos she didn't wait much in THIS one.

'The wonderful The Devil In The Smoke - a book which meant as much to me growing up as, I'm amazed to find, my own books have to some of their readers' - sorry, in what way did Little Amelia READ A SNOWMAN PREQUEL STARRING VASTRA, STRAX AND JENNY????? I know the kid had the most INCREDIBLY screwed-up-and-rewritten childhood imaginable, but still...

Summer Falls:

How on Earth did KATE of all people get bullied into buying a plastic bucket she didn't want?

Why on Earth would Kate hear scratching and think of rats and mice when she KNOWS that grey cat is always nosing around?

Why not give the kiddies a PROPER story about the Doctor? A Target novelisation or two (or hundred)? Why this overly-magical thing?

Blimey, this is a bit of an SJA: The Empty Planet rip-off. Even down to the three children who are the only people left in the world using a cafe as their HQ. (Except that Clyde insisted on PAYING for the stuff he ate.)

The Doctor lights a MATCH (albeit a suspiciously long-burning one) - whatever happened to that enormous Vampires of Venice torch he keeps in his pockets?

The Doctor gets tied up? The ELEVENTH Doctor? Since WHEN!

The cat talks because it spent a lot of time in the TARDIS? I find that hard to believe. Though I'm VERY WILLING INDEED to put it to the test. The campaign to replace Clara with a basket of kittens starts now.

LOVE Kate's indifference to the prospect of her mother's permanent disappearance. Though I have an uncomfortable feeling it may mirror Amy's own reaction - sometimes I wonder why she BOTHERED to will her parents back into existence.

Oh.

Oh god.

I should have KNOWN.

When Clara tells her rugrat in The Bells of Saint John that Chapter 11 would make her cry...it's over a dead cat.

OF COURSE it's a dead cat. NO Who-related book - from constant clockwork-moggie-dismembering in Nine's first New Series Adventure to the New Adventures' dedication of AN ENTIRE 359-page novel to torturing Chick to death to Faction Paradox short story Gramps - is complete without giving an oochie a good bashing.

The Doctor gets tied up? The ELEVENTH Doctor? Since WHEN!

OK, so Our Hero spending a few months tied to a chair in-between Impossible Astronaut and Day of the Moon kinda slipped my mind. But APART FROM THAT Matt in particular and New Who Doctors in general show a lamentable reluctance to get tied up/locked up in the traditional manner.

The Angel's Kiss by Justin Richards:

Well - aside from the rather worrying fixation with Alex Kingston's breasts, and the fact that this is the wrong book (ending when Angels Take Manhattan's Angel's Kiss begins)...it's great fun.

One of the MANY ANNOYING THINGS about this NOT being the Angel's Kiss book the Doc was reading in Angels Take Manhattan - as we had a RIGHT to expect! - is that so many of my how-the-hell-can-the-Doc-not-realise-the-woman-he-was-Yowzering-was-his-wife! nits are superfluous. I had a whole LIST ('Whether Melody is really my first name is, well complicated'...'Lipstick...is one of my most formidable weapons'...'You can never be too careful...where statues are involved' '"Let me through - I'm a doctor." My heart beat a little faster, and I lingered just long enough to be sure he'd used the indefinite article' etc etc...).

'The sorts of cases I was interested in were rather specialised. Not your run-of-the-mill cheating spouse and missing cat' - what kind of SICK FREAK wouldn't be interested in a missing oochie...?!

'There were starving pets flinging themselves out of windows, or so it was said' - great, two pages in and the rain of dead oochies has already begun...

'It may surprise you to learn that lots of people hire me to tell them things they already know...Things like "Your husband is cheating on you."...Then there's "Your cat is almost certainly dead"' - leaving aside YET ANOTHER DEAD OOCHIE, SEVEN PAGES INTO THIS BOOK!!!!...didn't River (Melody. Whatever.) just tell us that she DIDN'T take such cases...? And a disappeared cat INEVITABLY means 'a cat who's chosen herself a new family' NOT 'a tragically-deceased darling'. (You should have SEEN the disappeared-cat drama we had THIS WEEK just because MY (OK...next-door's) Precious decided to take a little (OK...several-days-long) stroll away from his Real Parents...)

This...pathetic Railton starlet creature is doing things to River's blood pressure and giving her goosepimples? She's THE DOCTOR'S WIFE! Can she not save her goosepimples for HIM?!

'I...caught sight of Rock Railton walking into Nick's ahead of me. Any final doubts or worries I might have had disappeared' - why? Hasn't the woman heard of TIME TRAVEL? In what way does one Rock Railton negate the really weird experience she's just had with the elderly tramp whose clothes AND FACE she'd just recognised as Rock Railton's?

I'm not sure that 'not polite' and 'as if I could conceal a gun in this' are sufficient excuses for gun-mad River not to be packing any heat.*

Mind you, she seems EXTRAORDINARILY good at unarmed combat, something we've never seen on-screen...

Why would River assume someone is PRETENDING not to know her when the most obvious explanation involves timey-wimey-ness? (Mind you, she's still at it when going to her death in the Library so this isn't exactly a nit.)

So how does this WORK, exactly? How does Max explain the gaps in their memories to all his new stars?

'It was Max - after another kiss. His eyes were wide with infatuation and he was breathing heavily while sweating profusely' - since when has THAT been the effect of the hallucinogenic lipstick?

'I was unpleasantly aware that backing away from Kliener's clutching fingers was bringing me closer and closer to the Angel...It was a straight choice between being smothered by his (let's say) enthusiasm, or the deadly touch of the creature made of pitted stone' - whatever happened to River's deadly unarmed-combat skills?

So River doesn't know if she put all the right people back into the right bodies, but 'I consoled myself with the knowledge that [they] would never actually know' - surely their friends and relatives'll let 'em know quick enough if they turn up in the wrong bodies?! Not to mention they could just LOOK IN A MIRROR or AT SOME PHOTOS or whatever...

'But I am Melody Malone, with ice in my heart and a kiss on my lips' - why is there ice in her heart?! I know she's a psychopath and all that, but she's MARRIED to the DOCTOR, what MORE could anyone want?!

*Um, I THINK that's the appropriate expression...?

The Angel's Kiss by Justin Richards

Finally another book by Justin Richards! It's been at least five minutes since his last one and his poor bank balance must have been suffering withdrawl symptoms!

To be fair, he's writing fewer books than he used to.

Of course, as there are virtually NO NEW WHO BOOKS WHATSOEVER around at the moment, he's writing a far greater percentage of Who books than ever...

Oh, forgot about 'The Girl Who Never Grew Up' epilogue to the collected works (Summer Falls, Angel's Kiss, Devil in the Smoke):

Superfluous. And pretty bad. And spiteful.

If Rory was prepared to 'cast quite a spell in the world of medicine' with 'a few quiet innovations in medical supplies' and the 'Williams Wonder Beds'...why didn't he go for MORE of a splash? He's not exactly respecting the Web of Time, here...(Especially as he's 'singing a song about aliens in New York' that I suspect hasn't been written yet.)

Why hasn't Rory sorted out his cover story about being a nurse during the Spanish Civil War and/or the Second World War?

So Amy and Rory go to Florida and Washington to check up on friends and family who are having a tough time but 'we just kind of... stood and watched. We don't get involved. Not any more'? What on Earth would be the POINT? And what if the Doctor or their previous selves spotted them spying? What if Canton SHOT them? If they're gonna GO there, why didn't they decide to CHANGE the Web of Time like they did in The Girl Who Waited? Why merely LOOK for a little lost girl - what would they do if they FOUND her? Why give money to that orphanage - it sure as hell didn't look like it had any money spent on it, so either they've changed history or someone pocketed their cash. And why tell a rather unpleasant journalist about it?

Why should they write new books when all you seem to do is slag them off (with only a few exceptions. ) Of course, I never see YOU volunteering to write one to show them how its done....

I'm sure that's one of the major considerations in business meetings at BBC Books:

"I say you chaps, I think we should publish some more Doctor Who books!"

"But Emily will just slag them off on Nitcentral!"

"Oh cripes! I hadn't thought of that! Best not then!"

If they knew what was good for them, that is EXACTLY what would happen....

Maybe JEP was right, Emily. You hate the books so much, don't read them.

I'm sure that's one of the major considerations in business meetings at BBC Books:

"I say you chaps, I think we should publish some more Doctor Who books!"

"But Emily will just slag them off on Nitcentral!"

"Oh cripes! I hadn't thought of that! Best not then!"

It's not QUITE as stupid as it sounds. Certain authors have thrown tizzy tantrums and refused to pitch for Faction books because they don't like my reviews...

You hate the books so much, don't read them.

I'd love to not read them.

Unfortunately they have the words 'Doctor' and 'Who' on the covers, so I have to.

Surely the fault is with the BBC for publishing inferior books that don't match up Emily's standards? She's just the messenger.

I'd love to not read them.

Unfortunately they have the words 'Doctor' and 'Who' on the covers, so I have to.

Then I can't wait for your review on this

or this

*Boggles*

Well, y'know...the RIGHT Doctor. The definite article. And the RIGHT Who.

Caught in your own trap, Emily

The Angel's Kiss:

Fun as it was, I didn't want to read it again quite so soon, but when one's library supplies an audio of Alex Kingston reading it aloud, what can one DO?

'Angels are my business' - AND she's called it the Angel Detective Agency - so they're obviously the reason River's hanging around some prehistoric period instead of whizzing round space n'time with her husband (come to think of it, maybe the Clerics have her on a generalised, across-the-universe angel-hunt instead of just the one?). So it's PRETTY THICK of River not to NOTICE that THE STATUE OF LIBERTY is an Angel...

Why would Rex Railton get pock-marks as he ages to death?

And why doesn't he just say 'I'm Rex Railton' to River?

River HONESTLY thinks that Rex was PRETENDING not to recognise her in order to PROTECT her...??? Blimey, even I'd make a better private detective.

'Kliener's casual viciousness appalled me' - did it REALLY? Moffat's on the record as saying that River Song is a psychopath who cares about the Doctor and her parents and NO ONE ELSE.

Why does this say September 1? Nothing new was added that day.

Because that was the day I created a new subsection and moved the stuff in here.

HARRY is working to develop BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS? My god, if the Doctor ever discovers THAT...(Not that a word of this nonsense is canon, obviously.)

*Glances in direction of Invasion of the Zygons with embarrassed coughing noises*

Still, at least (contrary to Harry Sullivan's War), Harry was working on Zygon-wiping-out WMDs rather than on the HUMAN variety.

Also, doesn't this contradict what Sarah said about him in Death of the Doctor? Develping VACCINES not weapons?

It could be that Harry developed the vaccines later on.

Perhaps he got tired of making weapons and wanted to concentrate on making something that could help people instead.

Well, to be fair, his Zygon-genociding gas could have helped people quite a bit if that meddling Doctor hadn't nicked it.

The Legends of Ashildr:

'Even though the incidents they describe are recounted by Ashildr herself, we cannot be completely certain that what she wrote in her journals was the actual truth' - she's not BENNY! There are no yellow post-it notes in her journals! Why would she LIE instead of rip out those pages?

The Arabian Knightmare:

Love her being called 'Ash El Dir'.

'The Caliph had sent word ahead that she was coming with a gift for his son' - how, for heaven's sake? Sent his Vizier or his Executioner running ahead of her? Even though they're supposed to be keeping Sinbad hostage?

'I know why you seek this place - the young man seeks wealth and power. The young woman seeks escape' - she does? From what? And how will this city give it to her?

'Husband, my moral is this...You are always better off with a Queen than a King...' - it IS? Despite Queen Zekahmet getting all her people killed?

The Fortunate Isles:

She's still 'Ash' in 1485 yet by the time the Doc encounters her in 1651 she's forgotten that her name was ever Ashildr?

So, the sailors are about to throw Ash overboard but ask if she can sew, cook, or clean first, and she shakes her head? Of course she can clean - who can't - she MUST have learnt to cook over the centuries and she had a weaving career in the last story so why is she lying when this will get her, well, if not killed then at least chucked in an ocean for eternity.

'HIS Majesty'? Wasn't Seville in Castile rather than Aragon? Even if it isn't, it should be 'Their Majesties', for heaven's sake.

'She was so excited by the very thought of it, she could hardly sleep' - since when has Ashildr been obsessed by treasure? Surely she'd've managed to amass some by now, if she was?

She's not sure she can resurrect after passing through the digestive system of a shark, but she has survived drowning several times, plus 'countless swords and knives and firearms'. Of course, this is the only way to make sense of her popping up at the end of the universe but on the other hand, how STUPID that some rubbish Mire tech should be capable of this.

To be honest, I wouldn't have thought watching a fifteenth century ship spending weeks at sea would be THAT riveting for an audience.

'After all, the Captain had doomed poor Garcia. They would be free now, if it wasn't for him. But no. She couldn't bring herself to do that' - Ash couldn't bring herself to stop fighting for the life of a murderer? Why the hell NOT! Is she really this...SOFT?

The Triple Knife:

'A bed for us all and a cot for the baby' – aha! I KNEW there shouldn't be three identically-sized cradles for Ashildr's three children! Unless she'd had TRIPLETS. Of course, we SAW said cradles in Woman Who Lived so what the hell does this think it's doing contradicting that just because triplets would be insane?

'It was fun, apparently, watching the crazy lady, but the diseased lady, that's a little too much' – so, er, the 'large black growths visible underneath her arms' didn't give the game away a bit SOONER?

'I trained for many years so none can best me on the field of battle. I am strong as ten men, through careful work' – CAN 'careful work' make a small female as strong as ten men?

'The weakest, feyest mother ever born would have done without hesitation what I did next. In an instant. For that is simply what being a mother is. I slew him with one clean blow of his own sword' – hmm. Ashildr has spent a millennium seeing the worst of humanity and yet she totally idolises motherhood? She's NEVER met a mother who beat/sold/neglected/forcibly married off her offspring?

'What if it freezes her, not just as a child, but as a sick child? What if it keeps her in this foul state for ever? Could one imagine a worse torture?...I stare at the tile. I was in good health when he did what he did to me' – of course, you've gotta come up with SOME explanation for why Ashildr didn't use her immorality-tile on one of her dying kids, but I'm not convinced this is it. She was DEAD when the Doctor restored her, after all.

The Ghosts of Branscombe Wood:

'I knew that if harm came to any of the villagers then it would be solely and heavily on my conscience' – yeah, ALL these stories seem to subscribe to the bizarre notion that Ashildr has one of those conscience things.

'I was certain he was a plague doctor who had attended my children in their sickness' – I wouldn't say attended was exactly the correct word...

'Again, it was a man from my past – my husband' – which one!

So after all these intangible projections, the damaged Ship can suddenly summon up a solid figure HOW, exactly?

The Legends of River Song:

Well, who'd've thought it? Thoroughly enjoyable.

Picnic at Asgard:

'I am almost one hundred per cent sure... maybe seventy-nine per cent sure... that one of his colleagues would have got to him with back-up oxygen in time' - now THIS is the River we all know and love, the River that unfortunately most of the other writers in this book seem to be sentimentalising a bit.

Anyway, it's all the Doctor's fault if the man dies, this whole locking-up-a-psychopath-for-decades-for-a-crime-she-didn't-commit was all HIS idea, did he never think about COLLATERAL DAMAGE?

'Hello, Sweetie.' 'I thought you only called people that when you couldn't remember their names' - why the hell would the Doctor think THAT when his wife always calls HIM Sweetie?

OK, so River is seriously considering reproducing and doesn't dare bring it up with the Doctor? I find both these claims REALLY UNCONVINCING.

Though not as unconvincing as River deciding that 'This would have been the moment' to ask him - when the brat who'd just tried to nick the sonic screwdriver while screaming fit to wake the dead was being roughly hauled away, great big puddles of bright snot pooling on his upper lip.

'And what if he thought I was asking him? That would be ridiculous. Completely stupid' - really? I'm no expert but if you want a baby I'd assume it's only polite to offer your spouse first refusal. Especially if he's pretty good genetic stock.

'But if not now, when? Because I am not getting any younger. Because he is' - but Matt is your first Doctor! What makes you think he's getting younger? And aren't you supposed to be taking your age down, very slowly, just to freak people out?

'You know, Vikings didn't really wear horns on their helmets' - well obviously they DID, just look at Time Meddler and Girl Who Died.

Why's the Doctor so over-excited at the sight of a fake Viking village? He wasn't nearly as excited at the sight of a REAL one. Of course, there are certain Matt/Capaldi differences...

River makes professor while still in jail?

Sorry, the Doctor barely-noticeably disappeared mis-sentence to take part in Helsinki sports games? Since when can he flit around the universe without Sexy?

'Is that bad?' - since when was it River's job to ask the stupid Companiony questions. Of course messing with a dimensional calibrator is bad, even I can work that out.

'The boy, who was apparently called Tomith' - you were informed of his name hours ago, what's with the 'apparently'? (Is she REALLY that bad at remembering names, I certainly never noticed on-screen.)

'Could you send one of your own children to their death? For breaking the rules?' - Oh stop being euphemistic, the evil teenager SLAUGHTERED INNOCENT PEOPLE.

'Maybe they're out there and he turns up every morning to breakfast. Maybe he zips back in time and tucks them in every single night...Maybe they are legion, woven across the sky' - and maybe you could ASK. Donna got a straight answer fast enough in Doctor's Daughter.

'They seem, through every iteration, to stay abnormally long; Time Lord fingers are always a dead giveaway' - but Matt was your first Doctor and Tennant your last (excluding Capaldi, of whose existence you're blissfully unaware) - when exactly did you meet all these other long-fingered Docs? You've only got pictures of their FACES, haven't you?

Suspicious Minds:

'I haven't yet come across one of him I haven't liked the look of, but goodness [Hartnell] seems to have been really grumpy back in the day' - haven't you met COLIN BAKER? (Yes, I realise my own nits have started contradicting each other. But what can you do?)

'Wife dressing up as previous wife' - the Doctor was actually stupid enough to ADMIT to River that he'd married Elizabeth I?

Since when has the Doctor bothered acquiring visiting permits?

'I felt quite guilty on behalf of the whole of humankind after reading [a pamphlet about the importance of insects], and tried to work out how many times in my life I'd swatted a fly. Too many for comfort, I think' - see, this is what I was talking about earlier. Mrs Doctor is just NOT THE TYPE to feel guilty about flies or humanity or, frankly, ANYTHING.

'My mother had never clasped me to her' - of course she had, they had an entire month when Melody was a baby, didn't they? Amy got quite attached for some reason.

'I do like it when he's masterful. That's master without a capital M, by the way' - oh gods River's met the Master! We NEED to see the Song/Missy encounter RIGHT NOW.

Not quite getting how an electric forcefield can protect an Auton against being taken over by the Nestene Consciousness, or prevent gas getting out.

A Gamble with Time:

'He arrived at my door to pick me up. I have told him to stop doing that. I'm perfectly capable of managing my own escapes' - yeah, like you (OR ANYONE) would tell THE DOCTOR to •••• off.

Death in New Venice:

River actually SIGNED a contract? And one with plenty of don't-criticise-your-bosses and wiping-your-mind-if-you-leave-early clauses? As IF!

'So should this diary fall into their hands I'd also like to point out that, under Section 34, Paragraph 17, how I go about my research is my business and they can't fire me for it' - River's taking a surprisingly casual attitude towards people reading her diary for someone who said in Husbands that 'I'm going to kill you. And the longer you spend reading my diary, the longer I'm going to take.'

'They do a very lovely vat-grown bacon roll (all the pig, none of the guilt)' - aaaand again, some people just don't understand the meaning of PSYCHOPATH, do they.

'Her men' - why should all the builders except for the boss be male?

River actually expects to 'receive the contracted mind wipe' if she defaults on her contract and leaves now? She's a TIME-TRAVELLER for gods' sakes. She could disappear into history. Having alerted the authorities, media etc about all these deaths and exactly what caused them. Instead of hanging around and ensuring that WHEN the •••• hit the fan MOST people would be beamed out before being horribly killed.

River of Time:

When did Andy Lane become ANDREW?

'Nobody notices me acting strangely. Well, no stranger than a woman whose supposedly dead and yet strangely unidentified husband is getting younger while she's getting older generally acts, anyway' - and again, since when has Matt been getting younger or River older? And I thought that as soon as the Doctor became strangely unidentified they had to release River from the Stormcage?

Gallifrey 'was home to one of the first civilisations ever to emerge into the galaxy' - not the UNIVERSE? ONE of the first?

'I know it took [the Time Lords] a long time to lever themselves out of their torpor of complacency and initiate the Time War against the Dalek Empire' - THEY initiated the Time War? DELIBERATELY?

'After all, it's not as if I can regenerate my way out of wrinkles any more' - of course you can! Just look at all those things Matt does with regenerative energy even though he's Body Number Thirteen and can't PROPERLY regenerate again!

'I spent three years back on Earth as a management consultant, back when I was young and black' - good grief. It never OCCURRED to me that Mels had a JOB.

'He changes [the TARDIS] look as often as I change my hairstyle, and for pretty much the same reasons, but he has a certain brooding, gothic style' - I wouldn't say that MOST Sexy interiors had a certain brooding, gothic style. And I haven't even seen the leopardskin version.

'Maybe a million years' - since the Time Lords fought Great Vampires (and, um, the Narlok)? Didn't Colin say ten million and Rassilon a billion?

And time field or no time field, shouldn't the Doctor have sensed this Time Lady hanging around?

'The Qwerm have left their larvae frozen in a time field for a millennium' - Professor Forcade can't tell the difference between a millennium and a million years?

'The Governor still has my vortex manipulator in her possession, and if I want to see my mother and father and my husband any more then I will need it' - blimey, the Doc's a git but he'll surely drop in to see you at SOME point?

How about some novels about the New Series Companions. Like Clara and Me, flying around in their diner TARDIS.

Me's already had a Legends of Ashildr book, I doubt it was successful enough to inspire any more, still, one never knows...

a serial killer like Jack the Ripper would get frustrated with Ashildr if they tried to kill her.

I dunno, looks as if the Master found it fun, fun, fun to kill Captain Jack over and over again...

Jack the Ripper wouldn't last five seconds in today's era of DNA testing.

Jack became a tasty snack for Madame Vastra. Problem solved.

SHOULD be problem solved but you wouldn't believe how many different explanations the novels, audios and comics have come up with for Jack the Ripper...even, in the case of the Jago and Litefoot CDs, AFTER Vastra had made her PRETTY BLOODY DEFINITIVE statement...

Missing persons have to be harder on their families. The National Missing Persons Week PSA that out government run this year was both chilling and effective. Reminding viewers that parents keep their old car (or house or phone number) in the hope that their missing child will return. The PSA used a "father" and "young daughter" in a bit of emotional string pulling. It remains a truism: when you need to pack an emotional punch, use a little girl. (see: in DW: Jasmine Pierce, Chioe Webber, Young Amelia Pond).

SHOULD be problem solved but you wouldn't believe how many different explanations the novels, audios and comics have come up with for Jack the Ripper

Well, if there was more than one Ripper...

*Horrified groaning noises*

Or we could have a book about Bill and Heather travelling around the universe.

We had a bit of that in the Twice Upon a Time novelisation.

They settled down for a normal boring life pretty quickly, unfortunately (and implausibly).

How did they do that!? They're made of water and can go anywhere.

Obviously Heather had the magic powers to make them all normal. And to turn back to water and the stars once Bill had died of old age. *Helpless shrug*

DWM did a survey in 1988 for which Companion people wanted to see in their own novels and bizarrely it was Tegan, 'with most readers begging Janet Fielding to write it, explaining what happened to her after Resurrection of the Daleks'. I was just thinking 'Not a lot' (the audios helpfully had her running her father's animal-feed company in Australia before acquiring a brain tumour, though presumably this has been overwritten by SJA's Aborigine Rights claim) when it helpfully added 'a couple of you suggested that it tie up with Tegan's later meeting with the Sixth Doctor and the Sontarans a la Jim'll Fix It!' - even though I know this never happened I STILL find myself wailing 'No gods noooooooooooooooooo...'

Janet Fielding did want to write a Tegan novel, but that's when a dispute over rights arose and put the kibosh on that (and this series).

Whether it would have been good or bad, we'll never know.

Gary Russell accused Ian Marter of ripping off the then-new James Bond film A View to A Kill

Ian sent a letter to DWM that he had never seen AVTAK and that if Gary ever found the Ian Marter that had, to let him know...

I remember reading that letter.

I wonder if Gary Russell ever responded to it.

Mind you, Mr. Marter didn't have much longer to live, so many there wasn't time.

---

quote:

Chris Broughton: I seem to recall a villain falling from the top of the Eiffel Tower near the end and being chopped to pieces by the lattice work on the way down (which struck me as satisfying if physically implausible). I think Marter may have likened this process to cheese in a grater.

---

*checks end of Harry Sullivan's War.

Actually, the guy's body was banged up, not chopped to pieces.

Pity. The cheese-grater thing would have been a lot more fun, and no more implausible than anything ELSE in that book...

Well, I was merely pointing out that the fellow that Natalie quoted was wrong.

OF COURSE it was your Nitcentrally duty to do so, I wasn't criticising, just...lamenting the lack of cheese-grating...

Let's have a novel where Clara and Ashildr meet up with Bill and Heather. Wackiness ensues.

Girls Nite Out: Doctor Who Style

Young Amelia Pond, Jasmine Pierce, and Chloe Webber as as a Manson Family type cult?

Jasmine Pierce?

Jasmine Pierce - the brat turned into a fairy in Torchwood.

Ugg, I don't want that psycho anywhere near darling Amelia. She and Chloe are a match made in heaven, though...

I'm surprised that they haven't started a line of Sarah Jane Adventures novels.

I mean they did say her adventures would continued forever. And a novel series doesn't have the issue of its main star being deceased.

Gary Russell accused Ian Marter of ripping off the then-new James Bond film A View to A Kill

Ian sent a letter to DWM that he had never seen AVTAK

Ah yes, have just reached that point in my DWM-reading...'In his efforts to track down the source for [Harry Sullivan's War's] climax (his assumption presumably being that Ian Marter is not capable of thinking up a plot of his own) I fear [Gary Russell] has not got there yet. I have never seen, read or otherwise experienced A View To a Kill. So Mr. Russell will have to have to search on. Perhaps when he does finally track down his quarry he would be kind enough to share his information with me' - dammit, if only Marter had been able to bring this degree of biting sarcasm to his books...

I once had the magazine that letter from Ian Marter appeared in.

Ian Marter took incredibly good care of his diabetes (according to Tom and Lis) but it still damaged his heart and killed him.

I don't think Ian Marter lived long enough to get a response to his letter.

Ouch, that's bad luck.

If Gary Russell ever responded, he'd have to do it via Ouija Board.

I just checked your review of the magazine in question, Emily. It came out in November of 1986, after Ian Marter's death.

On the one hand, it's a bit disingenuous of Marter to claim that he hadn't seen 'A View to a Kill' when the bit that Russell alleges he nicked was the widely-previewed Eiffel Tower scene. Most Britons with a TV in 1985 would have been aware of that.

On the other, it's not actually that similar beyond the fact that it's set at the Eiffel Tower. Russell might as well have claimed that Marter was ripping off the only funny bit from the same year's 'National Lampoon's European Vacation'.

Yeah, A View To A Kill didn't originate stuff happening at the Eiffel Tower.

I just checked your review of the magazine in question, Emily. It came out in November of 1986, after Ian Marter's death.

On the one hand, he was VERY unlucky, on the other, at least he didn't die without getting his dig in at Gary Russell first.

the bit that Russell alleges he nicked was the widely-previewed Eiffel Tower scene. Most Britons with a TV in 1985 would have been aware of that.

I wasn't -

- Oh, OK, I may be slightly atypical in this regard.

On the other, it's not actually that similar beyond the fact that it's set at the Eiffel Tower. Russell might as well have claimed that Marter was ripping off the only funny bit from the same year's 'National Lampoon's European Vacation'.

How the •••• do you know -

Oh, never mind. SOME of us are practically SENILE and others of us get to remember EVERY SINGLE BLOODY THING, though I'm assuming in the case of National Lampoon's European Vacation this isn't exactly a blessing.

Dana Hill who played the daughter in National Lampoon's European Vacation suffered severe type 1 diabetes which impaired her growth and health (as late as age 19 she played a 12 year old special needs child for American television network CBS). Diabetes ended up killing her at age 32. Her sister Beth also died from diabetes.

Superman II also had scenes at the Eiffel Tower.

Ian Marter was not the first, nor would he be the last, to set actions scenes there.

The Ruby's Curse by Alex Kingston (well, actually by Jacqueline Rayner despite this going mysteriously unmentioned on the cover, meaning that all three Who novels published this year are magical nonsenses written by Jacqueline Rayner, but as they're also quite fun I'm not complaining):

Somewhat contradicts The Angel's Kiss by making Melody Malone a genuine (fictional) human detective rather than a blatant disguise for Herself.

EXCELLENT 'Dramatis Personae' pages - 'River Song: adventurous Child of Time, occasional psychopath' - though she's a lot more than OCCASIONAL psychopath if you ask me; 'Cat: a cat'; 'Doctor: long-distance spouse'...

'Split-second timing. Must be near the end. Can't stop until I'm there. Can't carry on or I'll die. Should I pray to a god right now?...Once [the nanobots]'re in your nose and mouth you're quickly suffocated, which at least stops you feeling it when they dismantle you cell by cell' - a) no you bloody shouldn't pray, you know perfectly well there's only One True God and when s/he's your HUSBAND then it's just EMBARRASSING to PRAY to her. Also, b) nothing on TV gave me the impression that breaking in and out of the Stormcage was THIS damned dangerous and it makes the Doctor look EVEN WORSE that he should have subjected his wife to years of likely-fatal danger as well as the horrifying tedium of prison, just because HE felt like keeping a low profile for a while.

'The most secure prison this side of the universe'? SERIOUSLY? (OK, JODIE! said the exact same thing in Rosa but frankly I wouldn't expect River to be so GULLIBLE.)

'I'm half human, on my mother and father's side' -

Oh FFS River just Vortex-Manipulates herself into 1930s Manhattan whenever she feels like it to visit Amy n'Rory? Which bit of the timelines are too scrambled, one more paradox would rip New York apart, boo hoo River can never see Mummy and Daddy again NO TIME TRAVEL ANYWHERE NEAR IT TILL CAPALDI TRIES TO FIX THINGS WITH A STUPID MAGIC SUPERMAN CRYSTAL are you people somehow not grasping?

(And no, saying that 'the timelines around New York are extremely tangled; you can only sneak in using something small like a Vortex Manipulator' won't cut it. Like THE DOCTOR wouldn't have thought of that to get his precious Pond back if it was possible.)

'Libraries aren't really my bag (creepy places full of silence and shadows)' - PHILISTINE! (Also...you ain't seen nothing yet.)

Why is River descripting herself as a 'sociopath' rather than a 'psychopath'?

'Hard to enjoy your eggs when you know you're sitting next to someone who tortures kittens for fun' - a) there are no eggs, according to this very book (if nothing else) you only get pills to eat in the dear old Stormcage (THANKS AGAIN DOCTOR) and b) DON'T TORTURE KITTENS WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU WHO BOOKS WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS HURTING OOCHIES (AND EYEBALLS)?

'Once you're in here, you're here for good' - has no one told River about KRASKO (and presumably plenty of other scum who've slaughtered a couple of thousand people but whoever-runs-the-Stormcage had no problem releasing into the wild)?

'I'm a pussycat at heart (must be why I'm so sensitive to kitten torture)' - if you were that sensitive you'd SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT KITTEN TORTURE.

'A spritz of "Gallifreyan Goddess" ("The scent that Regenerates to Suit Your Mood!")' - Gallifrey has PERFUME? I find THAT hard to believe. If only because there wasn't a civil war over it in any of the Gallifrey audios.

River...SLEEPS? (Despite not eating her evening food pills cos they contain a sedative. So she's starving as well as everything else. THANKS DOC.)

'I'd filled in the application for conjugal visits just in case my old man found himself in the general galactic area. No luck yet, but hope springs eternal' - That's not the impression we got on-screen. Also...Sweetie, you've GOT to get out of this abusive marriage. He's just not that into you/worth it/whatever-you-say-in-these-situations-how-the-hell-would-I-know. This is after 'my many years of incarceration'. Also...you filled in forms for conjugal visits with the MAN YOU WERE IN PRISON FOR MURDERING? Doesn't that kinda give the game away and destroy the entire POINT of your endless years of misery?

Look, it's one thing for Terry Nation to claim there's a DAL-LEK dictionary (who bothers to nitpick this stupid 'Real Life' thing? It's just not interesting enough to be worth the bother) but to claim there's a DAL-LEK encyclopaedia right after mentioning a 'AAR-CYC' one just makes no sense.

To be continued...

Why is River descripting herself as a 'sociopath' rather than a 'psychopath'?

Less scary to those she describes herself to? Not that a psychopath would care about such things, now that I think about it.

I s'pose you could be both? Or are they mutually-exclusive?

Not sure. From what I've read, I don't think you can be both at the same time, but I'm no psychologist.

No young single men aboard a cruise ship WHY exactly?

'The double date the other half and I went on with Napoleon and Josephine, where the emperor insisted on keeping his hat on throughout the whole meal because I was taller than him' - hmm. Double-dating with Napoleon now are they? I really thought the whole 'He THREW the bottle of booze at me' in Wedding Of was designed to explain away Pertwee's awfully-cosy 'Boney, I said...' but you just had to go and spoil it, didn't you...

'Oh, and someone had cut off their hands and dug out their eyes' - course they had. If the guards didn't want their eyes dug out they shouldn't have appeared in a Who Novel, frankly.

'How would you like to find you'd just put your hand on a discarded eye ball?...Still, waste not, want not...I put the eyeball in my pocket and hoped it wouldn't stain' - oh-kay. Could you decide whether it's 'eyeball' or 'eye ball' or, better yet, just shut the hell up on this subject? You've surely fulfilled your contractual duty by now...

'It would be bad enough having to deal with the squishy eye goo that was already seeping out of my pocket' - *sigh* Forget I said anything, you people just take it as ENCOURAGEMENT don't you...

'I kept calm by imagining the popping sound his all-white eyeballs would make as I stuck some 1930s art deco-style novelty cocktail sticks in them. My clothes already had eyeball juice on them. A bit more would make no difference.' - Seriously, like Kissinger winning the Nobel Peace Prize, this is going way beyond parody.

'Thing about being immortal is I age very slowly. Which means hair, nails, stuff like that - real slow too' - since WHEN has River been immortal or any Time Lord had ultra-slow hair? Himself seems to grow a beard easily enough when he fancies it...

'Hello, Jack.' 'Hey, River.' - They shouldn't be CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES! They should be partaking of an immortal unconsummated dance across eons and universes...(See: The Lives of Captain Jack: Season Three: R&J.)

'There's nothing good on the telly until 1963' - what's so good about 1963 TV...in the Whoniverse?

'I've told him rationing won't start over here until 1942' - Amy's an American-history expert?!

The dying Ventrian doesn't just Vortex-Manipulate himself to the nearest hospital?

'Fill the tomb with food and games and possessions and maybe a few dead slaves and cats, ready for the afterlife' - you just had to mention dead cats AGAIN, didn't you.

'Cleopatra. Her beauty, like Helen of Troy's, caused tragedy in its wake. That's what history says' - since when? (Author of Erimem: The Last Pharoah: 'did a bucketload of research into Cleopatra before writing The Last Pharaoh, reading up on the descriptions of her and checking out the coins with her face on from when she had moved into middle age. She had a big nose and a turkey neck. Nothing wrong with that, either.')

'Reddish curls, much like mine' - yeah, don't remember THAT being mentioned in The Last Pharaoh or, indeed, State of Change.

Would an archaeologist breaking into Cleopatra's tomb really think in terms of 'the holy sofa things!'?

'There was very little time to come up with a plan before the man from Asps R Us arrived' - adorable! Though again, The Last Pharaoh said she drank poisoned wine.

Hang on, where did River get the Edgar Allan Poe book from? And why would she want to read stories about cats getting their eyeballs gouged out anyway?

'I mean, yeah. Cleopatra was really known for her nerves' says River sarcastically - I'm getting repetitious but Last Pharaoh DOES imply Cleopatra was actually really...nervy.

'The other mind - her other mind? Goodness, that was new, but I guess surprises keep a marriage from getting stale' - FFS if River didn't have a clue her husband would become Capaldi before her last night, she sure as hell didn't know he'd become JODIE!.

'If there were an incarnation of motherness on Earth, it would not be Cleopatra. It would be my mother' - um...not really. Mummy ditched you for her husband in a heartbeat.

Acknowledgments [sic]:

'All the way back to Tom Baker and my Big Finish friends!' - ha! Not counting your meetings with Fake-One, Fake-Two and Fake-Three, then...Good for you.

No young single men aboard a cruise ship WHY exactly?

Could it be a cruise catering explicitely to couples? Such things do exist you know.

How would you like to find you'd just put your hand on a discarded eye ball?...Still, waste not, want not...I put the eyeball in my pocket and hoped it wouldn't stain

One has to wonder what possible use an eyeball could have that would justify, even to the slightest degree, doing that.

Could it be a cruise catering explicitely to couples?

No.

How would you like to find you'd just put your hand on a discarded eye ball?...Still, waste not, want not...I put the eyeball in my pocket and hoped it wouldn't stain

One has to wonder what possible use an eyeball could have that would justify, even to the slightest degree, doing that.

Well, of course the Stormcage has the usual kind of rubbish security where you can open stuff with guards' eyeballs even if they've been removed.

I was looking through TV WEEK (Australia) of February 12-18 2022 when to my surprise I found included in its regular Out Now - The Best of Entertainment feature that of the Doctor Who book The Ruby's Curse by Alex Kingston.

Along stating the recommended retail price of $19.99 (Australian) it provides this description:
"Can't get enough Doctor Who drama? In The Ruby's Curse, realities and alter-egos collide on a new mission that traverses time and worlds.

In 1939 New York, private eye Melody Malone is hired to find The Eye Of The Horus, a stolen ruby that holds the secret location of Cleopatra's tomb.

In another reality, River Song - the author of the Melody Malone series - is hired to find the same gem.

Suddenly, River is teaming up with the very character she created."

This is the first time that I have seen a Doctor Who book included as a piece in TV WEEK.

So Turlough's a member of some genius revered ruling-class 'Clan'? Since when?

The novelization of Planet Of Fire makes references to the Imperial Clans, that used to rule Trion. Turlough's family was one of these Clans.

The audio Kiss of Death also bizarrely has Turlough's family own a winter planet...

October 4 2022 marks ten years since the release of The Angel's Kiss: A Melody Malone Mystery as an e-book.


It would later become an audio download on December 5 2012 and narrated by Melody herself, Alex Kingston.


This came five days after the broadcast on September 29 2012 of The Angels Take Manhattan where this very book became a key plot point in it.


As explained by TARDIS Wiki:
"The tie-in novel acts as a prequel to the episode, exploring what River Song, using the alias "Melody Malone," was up to before she ran into her father, Rory Williams, in New York City in 1938."


Not only are the Weeping Angels are in The Angel's Kiss but the Angel in the title could also mean the Angel Detective Agency which is solely owned by River aka Melody Malone.


I said this about the audio narration by Kingston in 2013:
"A very intriguing tale of River’s guise as Melody Malone as she investigates a case involving a studio owner and a couple of movie stars and Alex Kingston does very well in her narration of the story."

Breaking News from Gallifrey Base:

Wartime is being novelized.

We now return you to your regular nitpicking.

Wartime?

WARTIME gets a ••••••• novelisation when we don't have one for Turn Left or Fugitive of the Judoon or Heaven Sent...

Yup.

And to think, some imbeciles actually believe in concepts like justice and karma...

HARRY is working to develop BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS? My god, if the Doctor ever discovers THAT...(Not that a word of this nonsense is canon, obviously.)

*Glances in direction of Invasion of the Zygons with embarrassed coughing noises*

Also UNIT: Nemesis 1: Between Two Worlds: The Curator's Gambit: 'Lieutenant Sullivan at Porton Down'. Also Fourth Doctor Missing Adventure System Shock: '"I got a posting at Porton Down after my assignment to UNIT was up. Defence research stuff, very hush-hush." He gave a short laugh. "That's jargon for boring," he explained.'

Truly, not a sparrow can fall without the Whoniverse regurgitating said fall in excruciating detail...