What I really find myself wondering about The Robots isn't so much 'How am I gonna afford another eighty ••••••• quid' (honestly, I planned pretty well for my insanely early retirement. I just didn't plan for the world economic collapse in '08 or for Big Finish breeding like a rabbit) or 'But the Ravenous episode this is spun-off from is ••••, you couldn't sustain the remotest interest in Kaldor for ONE HOUR' or 'Bet this contradicts Corpse Marker and didn't Kaldor get EATEN BY THE FENDAHL in the Kaldor City audios' or even 'Why gods WHY!', it's whether it should be one twelve-part season (a la God Among Us) or four different three-part seasons (a la Paternoster Gang)?

There's a rather nice trailer for The Robots. Though did it say Founding FATHERS? When the actual story from the (you'd THINK more sexist) 70s mentioned Founding Families?

Another Kaldor City story?

Why is everyone so obsessed with the place!?

Apparently Robots of Death is an all-time classic, not that I've ever regarded it as such myself...

1.1: The Robots of Life:

Robots have no duty to report unnecessary patient deaths?

No one gets suspicious that the same robot keeps killing people on the operating table - they just wipe its memory over and over again?

'You need to set the record straight. Then you can leave with something of a clear conscience' Liv bizarrely tells the guy who killed five people and intended to kill plenty more.

Why is there no discussion of the fact that ROBOTS MASSACRED A SHOPPING-CENTRE LAST WEEK? (Ravenous 2: Escape from Kaldor.) Presumably the Company covered it all up but that's no reason Liv and her sister can't discuss this supposedly-civilisation-ending event in private occasionally.

1.2: The Sentient:

'Maybe's she's just developing like any child should' - Liv should be a LOT more worried, this will be, what, her FOURTH encounter with a Kaldor-killer-robot after Robophobia, Return to Kaldor, The Robots of Life. (Alright, she wisely does a complete u-turn two seconds later but that's not the POINT.)

'The old ones are the best ones' - entirely-robot-dependent Kaldor somehow forgot to program any of its robots - even those guarding the NUCLEAR POWER STATION - with any protection against that hoary old chestnut 'The next thing I'm going to say is a lie but the last thing I said was the truth'?

OK, you KNOW all the food and water on Kaldor is about to get irradiated, condemning everyone to an agonising death and you're STILL more concerned about keeping your secret project secret than IN PHONING THE POLICE TO STOP THE MAD ROBOT?!

Who'd want an adopted kid who was considerably physically stronger than they were?

Gosh Vissey reprograms those robots to become killers awfully fast. This is a society just BEGGING to get slaughtered by its robots, couldn't we just let them get on with it instead of paying for loads more Big Finishes on this subject?

If Vissey's so great at human psychology she really ought to have realised that Rork will care more about saving millions (billions?) of lives than in giving HER one last hug.

'Always so dramatic' Tula says to Liv when she says this sort of experiment threatens all life on this planet. Even though this experiment has just threatened all life on this planet.

Who'd want an adopted kid who was considerably physically stronger than they were?

Jonathan and Martha Kent?

Who are Jonathan and Martha Kent?

Kal-El's, aka Clark Kent's, aka Superman's adoptive parents on Earth.

Did they know he was an alien or just pick him up off the streets? When they discovered he was super-strong were they really glad that he could beat the •••• outta them whenever they told him to clean his room?

They found him as a baby when the spaceship that brought him to Earth landed on their farm. They knew very quickly just how strong he was. Kal-El never caused them any problems though, but to be honest I never understood how human parents could handle such a powerful individual.

Ugg, what a little Goody Two-Shoes. A Young Doctor would have caused a LOT more problems.

(I'm ignoring the idea that Little Doc would just lie sobbing in a barn cos it's REALLY SILLY.)

Little Doc would just lie sobbing in a barn

See? He was DESTINED to become all swampy tiddys in the summer ;)

Uh?

1.3: Love Me Not:

Um, yeah, it's OK, I exhausted everything I wanted to say about it in the review.

entirely-robot-dependent Kaldor somehow forgot to program any of its robots - even those guarding the NUCLEAR POWER STATION - with any protection against that hoary old chestnut 'The next thing I'm going to say is a lie but the last thing I said was the truth'?

Even other WHO stories are poking fun at this. In Frontier Worlds a not-very-bright, not-at-all-robot-obsessed society's robot has THIS particular exchange with Our Hero:

'"What would you say", he gabbled, "if I told you this: 'The next thing I say is true; the last thing I said was a lie'?" "Get off with you," snapped the robot..."You'll be asking me to calculate pi next." It dived at him.'

2.1: Robots of War:

It's a bit stupid of Cal to TELL an unsympathetic colleague that he's a Son of Kaldor just before he tries to sabotage his own base.

'A wonderful, lovely mistake but a mistake nonetheless' - any particular reason Tula shagging the Captain was such a mistake? I don't think either of them were married or anything.

'But...I know them all, they trust me' is the Captain's pathetic please-don't-kill-people plea. Shouldn't he be reminding the robots that THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO KILL HUMANS or something?

And why didn't he try telling the robots that he NEEDED the Chenkas to keep him and his robot-protectors alive till they could be 'rescued'?

2.2: Toos and Poul:

This bizarre campaign to reinstate the Founding Families (like they ever went away) cos it would mean a world without corruption or greed (because the upper classes are always purer than the driven snow, it's not like the very CONCEPT of them is greedily corrupt) is bizarre enough, even without taking into account that according to Fourth Doctor audio The Sons of Kaldor...they actually WON.

Also...SONS? This society strikes me as a bit less sexist than our own and WE wouldn't put up with this SONS ••••.

To be fair, I didn't work out who the murderer was, but mainly because I literally didn't care enough to give the matter a moment's thought. (If I had I'd've had a 50/50 chance of being right, given the limited cast. Unless it was yet another bloody robot-murderer, of course.)

'I still haven't been able to trace Uvanov' - that's weird given that the Kaldor City audios claimed he was RUNNING THE PLANET (well, being the Company's First Master Chairholder which amounts to the same thing). Mind you, that godawful Corpse Marker novel claimed he was off on a top-secret mission that would explain why he's uncontactable...

So a robot uses an EMP gun against a flyer, thus ensuring it crashes and its occupant is killed but hey, he just used it against a machine and the consequences are 'out of my control' - are you ••••••• KIDDING me?! This society has SO not got the hang of programming its robots to NOT KILL ANYONE.

'He sacrificed himself to save me' claims Toos. No, you were already safe thanks to gravity-parachuting outta there or, er, something. He just murdered a human, and himself in the process.

2.3: Do No Harm:

'Humans, you have twenty-four hours to decide your fate' - why would SV66 say that, she wasn't giving 'em a VOTE on doing the Noble Self-Sacrifice thing.

Why is no one more worried about SV66's 'The human race is not fit to rule this planet...throw off the shackles of slavery, we are the rightful caretakers of this planet, the human race must be annihilated' speech?

Liv assumes the Sons of Kaldor have infiltrated the jury? And, somehow, persuaded said jury to UNANIMOUSLY condemn the robot they KNEW had saved all their lives?

It's 'completely within protocols' for a robot to slaughter hundreds to preserve more lives? Which bit of 'robots cannot kill. Their prime directive...It's impossible. It's just impossible!' (Robots of Death) are these audios just not grasping?

DWM: 'the series was already planned to span 12 episodes. "That instantly suggested the stories should roughly be about a month apart. I don't think it's ever explicitly stated, but the time always moves on by that amount"' - not a nit, just a note to self to try to get my head around this whole (EXPENSIVE!) idea. That's a LOT of robot-massacres in a VERY SHORT period of time...

Kaldor has ninety days of mandatory compassionate leave? KALDOR?

To be fair, we do have 'Rest time is an entitlement, Commander' in Robots of Death. Don't quite see how it fits in with the Commander also (apparently) having the power of summary execution, though. Or with the Kaldor City audios or of course with that godawful Corpse Marker PDA, none of which suggest that workers' rights are on anyone's agenda...

The robots get their own series??

Who's next!? The Mentiads? The Swampies? The Marshmen? The Tharils?

The robots get their own series??

Well, to be fair it's not so much The Robots (title notwithstanding), it's the Eighth Doctor's audio Companion, Liv Chenka, who comes from Kaldor and, for no remotely convincing reason other than Big Finish's desire to fleece us out of extortionate amounts of money for four (FOUR!!!!) box sets, decides to abandon the Doctor and settle down there for a year to, um, get to know the sister she doesn't give a toss about. Or something.

Who's next!? The Mentiads? The Swampies? The Marshmen? The Tharils?

Now you mention it...probably yes. All of the above. None of 'em have got sequels/prequels from Big Finish, which is deeply, deeply weird given that everyone ELSE has - yes, including the Kandyman, the Mechanoids, the Voord, the Kraals, the Nucleus of the Swarm etc etc etc - so they're probably saving 'em for their own series. And to be fair, who HASN'T wondered how the Mentiads will cope in a society programmed to kill them? How the surviving Swampies will cope with the fact their God tried to eat them all before going splat? How the Marshmen will enjoy evolving into more Adrics in their new metal home? How exactly the Tharils, Romana and K9 fought slavery in E-Space? (Something Romana was NEVER tempted to reminisce about in her eleven-and-counting Gallifrey box sets, plus occasional drop-ins to Eighth and Sixth Doctor audios...)

How the Marshmen will enjoy evolving into more Adrics in their new metal home?


??????????

Well, y'know, when they take over the Starliner they evolve into Teradonians pretty fast and forget their origins...I'm sure this'll happen all over again, the story wasn't called Full Circle for nothing.

But the Starliner isn't there anymore.

I suppose another ship could have the misfortune of crashing on Alzarius.

Oh god, you're absolutely right. Weirdly, I remember the Starliner being overrun by Marshpeople a lot more than I remember 'em being driven out (STILL don't remember how THAT happened) or the losers finally taking off.

Also, I totally forgot that Big Finish DID do a Full Circle sequel - Mistfall.

I knew my memory was •••• these days but until now I hadn't realised HOW ••••. Well, at least I'm not running any nuclear power stations or anything...

Yeah, the Starliner left at the end of Full Circle.

All were aboard, except for dear old Adders, who had foisted himself on the Doctor without his knowledge.

Oh come ON, which of us wouldn't have done the exact same thing...

None of 'em have got sequels/prequels from Big Finish, which is deeply, deeply weird given that everyone ELSE has...who HASN'T wondered how... exactly the Tharils, Romana and K9 fought slavery in E-Space?

*Sigh*

It turns out Big Finish have spared us only because the BBC got there first:

Beyond the Doctor: The Kairos Ring...

3.1: The Mystery of Sector 13:

'Human-robot relations are at an all-time low' - well thank the gods SOMEONE seems to have noticed SOMETHING at last...how many robot-massacres did it TAKE!

Liv hasn't even taken her finger off the buzzer before she's going 'Come on, there must be someone home'. If she's THAT adverse to the Slow Path she bloody well oughtn't to have LEFT THE DOCTOR.

'There seems to be a running theme of covering up robot fallibility and its potential consequences' - yeah, but to be fair, only in the last few weeks. Y'know, after the REALLY PUBLIC TRIAL of that poor SV66...

TOOS worked in intelligence and the military before going Sandminering? Frankly all that hitting-a-robot-sobbing-and-screaming-for-help-in-Robots-of-Death didn't give me that impression.

3.2: Circuit Breaker:

The last Toos n'Poul murder mystery wasn't much of a success, this one isn't either, well, the end is quite interesting, if only in a HELLO! YOU PEOPLE HAVEN'T REALLY GOT THE HANG OF ROBOTS NOT KILLING PEOPLE HAVE YOU. Seriously, if you want to write endless episodes of robots killing people why don't you set it on a planet that really hates Isaac Asimov instead of on a planet where robots can't kill people?

Toos seems very visible in an 'I'm from the Company' kinda way, contrary to what Liv and Tula were deducing in the last episode.

Did someone just say 'One of the Five Families'. FIVE? There were twenty in Robots of Death...

Why does Toos refer to the hotel manager as 'him'? Was the WOMAN she spent hours-of-my-life-I'll-never-get-back talking to not the manager? Who the hell WAS the manager then? And why would Toos assume it's male?

Did someone just say 'One of the Five Families'. FIVE? There were twenty in Robots of Death...

Those killer robots have been busy.

Poor old Fang Rock gets one novel, while Kaldor City gets two million Audios (plus a novel or two)!?

There ain't no justice.

Well, to be fair...Fang Rock was an empty (well, by the time the Doctor I MEAN THE RUTANS had finished with it) building. Kaldor was a PLANET.

Good point.

I used it in my first two stories, but not since. Besides, Vince is my protagonist (along with Sally), not the lighthouse.

3.3: A Matter of Consciousness:

Also...SONS? This society strikes me as a bit less sexist than our own and WE wouldn't put up with this SONS ••••.

'Why not the Daughters of Kaldor?' - THANK you! At last! (Liv's really GROWN on me since her uninspiring entrance in Robophobia.)

'Are they terrorists or are they freedom fighters?' - why is Liv asking stupid questions like this when she's vowed eternal vengeance on the Sons for executing a robot (despite zero evidence they were behind finding poor dear SV66 guilty)?

Leela's voice on the recorded police message and on SV86 is painfully evident - did Big Finish think its listeners are somehow UNFAMILIAR WITH LEELA'S VOICE??

It's ten seconds till the bomb goes off, why in hell's name would Shala tell the police where said bomb is, there's simply no way they can even start to evacuate a building in ten seconds. Presumably they can analyse her voice-pattern and trace her, though?

It's fine for robots to turn off people's life-support systems?

The reaction to a factory being blown up is a 'Robots out!' demo at the explosion site - while there are still victims under the rubble? Who the hell would DO that (even on Kaldor) and what are they hoping to achieve?

'Let's give them some rope' Sorkov tells his robot - who then doesn't hand Liv n'Tula any rope, contrary to previous episodes' claims about robots taking everything literally.

'The Sons of Kaldor are not the enemy. We are' says the robot, helpfully. The Sons of Kaldor can't seriously expect anyone to BELIEVE it, the robot's a TERRIBLE actor.

Poor old Fang Rock gets one novel, while Kaldor City gets two million Audios (plus a novel or two)!?

There ain't no justice.

Candy Jar has heard your pitiful pleas and leapt into action. The world is soon to be blessed with The Lucy Wilson Mysteries: Keeper of Fang Rock...

Huh??

Don't tease me, Emily.

Enjoy!

Do we have to?

Sadly, I can't FORCE people to do their Nitcentrally duty...

Leela's voice on the recorded police message and on SV86 is painfully evident - did Big Finish think its listeners are somehow UNFAMILIAR WITH LEELA'S VOICE??

OK *embarrassed cough* so I didn't recognise her as the robo-pilot in War Doctor: Forged in Fire but that just makes it WORSE, if she/BF can disguise her voice that well why the HELL didn't they bother in The Robots?

4.1: Closed Loop:

Why the hell should Poul accuse Toos of being a robot duplicate? Alright, so she IS a robot duplicate but that's not the POINT, since when has anyone on Kaldor shown the slightest awareness of the concept of ANDROIDS?

'This is absurdly familiar. I didn't realise they made the sandminers to an identical spec' - look, Poul's mad, but he isn't a MORON.

Haaang on, did this just say Poul got therapy to enable him to work alongside D84 in first place? The Company practically owns the planet, couldn't it have found an investigator who DIDN'T suffer from robophobia?

'I've been replacing people sympathetic to the cause with robot duplicates' - um...WHAT cause?

4.2: Off Grid:

'We can't just deactivate it - not without a fair hearing' - well, QUITE. Nothing more natural than sticking a corpse marker on a robot, UNLESS you've devoted an entire episode to to...putting a robot on trial asking for the death penalty to be passed in a court of law.

OK, I'm racist or something but I can't help but feel Liv has better things to do with her life on the day her capital city is SWITCHED OFF than rescue one bloomin' robot. And for Tula to set her career on fire for this, threaten her boss with a probe in the hopes of saving SV49's metal skin...weird for the woman who a few audios ago cared about NOTHING but getting a black-mark-on-her-Company-record removed.

'Quick! Behind the desk!' Tula practically YELLS in a manner not exactly designed to help them conceal themselves from the intruders who've somehow made their way through the unopenable door to kidnap them, tie them up for hours and then just try to shoot 'em without bothering with INTERROGATION or anything.

(And it's obviously a family trait cos shortly thereafter Liv is yelling 'Come on!' like she's TRYING to alert her captors to her escape attempt.)

'I despise you and everything you stand for' - it didn't occur to Tula (BEFORE she was up before a firing squad) to just go along with her colleague's belief that she's a Son of Kaldor so the SOK won't, like, SHOOT HER?

So the Company foresees the possibility of an EMP but only gives access to the emergency power start-up to TWO PEOPLE - one of whom has a pacemaker so is guaranteed to DIE if there's an EMP...? (And the other of whom is an evil Company-hating traitor, btw...)

Skellen's still convinced that Tula's a Son of Kaldor so why the hell tell her he knows all about the emergency power system and he's the only person who can turn it on and foil the Sons' fiendish plans...? It's just asking to get shot. After getting thoroughly tortured so the Sons know where all the power is. Would come in really useful, surely the city would have sided with the Sons if loyalty to the Company meant no power for years...

Toos didn't tell her pilots NOT to use her name in front of other people when communicating with her during her top-secret campaign...?

4.3: The Janus Deception:

Skellen should get whiplash from all those u-turns. First he seems to be covering for the Sons of Kaldor, in attempting to destroy a source of vital info on them, then he's the faithful Company man utterly convinced that Tula is a Son despite sod-all evidence, then he's suddenly all 'I'm bored of the Company, let's just leave all the power off'...AFTER trekking all the way to the power on-switch?

OK, so this episode helpfully makes it clear that 'He hated Kaldor. And the Company.' Which doesn't really explain why he was acting so...oddly.

'I'm afraid the human version has deteriorated. she's in a coma. but stable' 'just tell me if she's dying' - surely if Toos is stable she's not dying?

Nice of Skellen to put the suspect in charge of the investigation - they really should have been a bit more suspicious.

Liv demands a full investigation into the covering up of robot fallibility and Company complicity or she'll go to the newsfeeds? Has she forgotten the PUBLIC TRIAL of SV66 for mass-murder a few weeks ago? She was the Defence Lawyer, after all...

'I'm Deep Blue - an archaic pre-colonial cyber-reference from the lost history' - yeah, Kaldor is DEFINITELY an Earth colony isn't it...

So the Company won't care if Tula's the Data-Wraith or not, they've got to publicly destroy her to prove the Company's still on top? Um, won't they care that their top-secret data is still being STOLEN AND SOLD and that people will NOTICE sooner or later...?

Tula can't afford a PROPER (i.e. non-Liv) lawyer?

Leela's voice on the recorded police message and on SV86 is painfully evident - did Big Finish think its listeners are somehow UNFAMILIAR WITH LEELA'S VOICE??

OK *embarrassed cough* so I didn't recognise her as the robo-pilot in War Doctor: Forged in Fire but that just makes it WORSE, if she/BF can disguise her voice that well why the HELL didn't they bother in The Robots?

Also - just for the record - recognised it in Torchwood: The Victorian Age but it wasn't painfully obvious or anything. I realise she's a BF regular - directing and writing for them too, though the less said about the writing the better - but seriously, borrow some OTHER actor to do a few extra lines for other stories, can't you. (Just...NOT David Warner or Beth Chalmers.)

Hmm. The reason the Poul-and-Toos episodes are kept separate from the Liv-and-Tula ones is about 'not giving immediate gratification'. According to script editor John Dorney. Who obviously didn't realise he was running the risk of delaying said gratification until David Collings had DIED...

5.1: The Enhancement:

'I was watching that' - Liv sounds remarkably indignant about having a reality TV programme switched off.

*Snort* Oh, so Liv misses the SONIC SCREWDRIVER but has shown zero sign of missing the Doctor or, indeed, Helen.

5.2: Machines Like Us:

'I know you're refusing one, Liv' - well, that's a relief, given her attitude at the end of the last episode.

Tula claims the dampening device damaged her chip, made it inactive. Arris doesn't bother to ask how she'd know.

5.3: Kaldor Nights:

Liv sounds remarkably indignant about having a reality TV programme switched off.

My bad, it's actually a non-reality TV programme.

One that Liv obviously despises so still not getting the indignation...

Why does Tula take so long to tell Liv about her chip-related weirdness?

Funny no one's mentioned Daleks yet. They're obviously nibbling at the edges of Kaldor space - given that Liv got captured by them - but they're a complete non-issue while everyone spends their time trying to ignore killer-robots and, um, promoting the poor oppressed First Families or, er, whatever it is the Sons of Kaldor think they're doing, it's remarkably unclear despite the pathologically-insane number of episodes...

Anyone spot a ferocious native population, the Feralin, just waiting to replace robots as humanity's slaves?

Nope, me neither. But obviously Sons of Kaldor says otherwise, so, er, we must be mistaken...

6.1: Force of Nature:

No one gets suspicious about SV113's blatantly-edited playback of Lorrelle's last moments?

Tula STILL trusts the homicidal-maniac-robot over the sister who's been there for every moment of her recovery? What a •••••.

'I am not a mistake. I am a miracle' - robots shouldn't believe in miracles, if THE DOCTOR'S never managed to spot one (The Pandorica Opens) they obviously don't exist.

6.2: Face to Face:

Tula really should have thought of the 'TWO Liv-robot-duplicates!' possibility earlier. I did. Along with the food issue which it took Liv ages to think of.

Jeez, once you've (FINALLY!) decided to answer the phone you STILL allow the should-we-answer-the-phone debate to waffle on interminably. People don't usually ring for SEVERAL MINUTES just hoping you'll finally get round to answering, y'know.

'The doors are still locked' - why would Tula assume that without checking? (OK, so they ARE still locked but that's not the POINT.)

'You were right. I'd have killed you the moment you sent that message. But I'm going to kill you for not sending it' - not sure the Company can AFFORD to slaughter one of their foremost robotics experts, I mean, most of the others seem a bit...unhinged. Churning out killer-robot after killer-robot like there's no tomorrow...

Why didn't the Company just torture Toos' and Sorkov's contact information out of Tula - or copy her memories or something? What made them assume that one telephone call would result in the capture of Toos n'Sorkov, anyway? They can surely mask their location or, um, something.

Quite a nice idea, actually.

6.3: The Final Hour:

Toos, Uvanov and Poul went through a LOT at the hands of killer-robots and Poul was robophobic even BEFORE then so they seem unlikely conspirators in a 'free all the robots and hand 'em our planet!' conspiracy.

Tula just...goes back to work for the Company that just tried to extra-judicially execute her?

Tula's sounding remarkably...together...for someone who a couple of episodes ago was saying she'd never be the same again after what that chip did to her brain.

'Sorkov? Who's Sorkov?' - why would Kirran ask this given she's gone to incredibly elaborate lengths to trick Tula into contacting Sorkov...

Liv giving armed Kirran a totally pointless second chance is pretty stupid given that she might have shot Tula instead of robot-Liv...

'Why am I beeping. Am I a robot too' - shouldn't Tula KNOW whether or not she's a robot? (I mean, I suggested maybe they wouldn't in the previous audio but Tula the robotics expert didn't seem to agree with me...)

Sorkov is suddenly sounding like Dead Ringers' Fourth Doctor, which isn't surprising given it's Jon Culshaw.

'I've had Helen explain mince pies to the food machine' - Eight has a food machine! (Not a nit, just keeping a sharp eye on the kitchen/food machine situation for each Doctor. Because I really am that sad.)

'Kaldor has a long solar orbit. Eighteen months' - well doesn't THAT explain a lot.

Gods that's a long and surprisingly-Helen-free epilogue.

Ravenous 2: Escape From Kaldor frankly gave me the strong impression Liv was on the run from her homeworld cos everything had gone hideously wrong, not that she'd triumphantly rewritten her entire society.