The villainous Garth Hadeez has constructed a base on Halley's Comet, and is plotting to release a black hole into the inner Solar System. To stop him, the Sixth Doctor, Peri, Turlough, and a new companion named Chris (no relation to Chris Cwej) must travel to Phobos, Mars, Halley's Comet, and Prague, where they meet one of the greatest astronomers in human history, Johannes Kepler. But the success of their mission depends on you, the reader. For in this "plot-your-own" book, you, the reader, are Chris, the new companion.
As good as I may have made this book sound in this synopsis, it is the worst "Doctor Who" book I have ever read. The characterization of all four main characters is awful--even Chris, in the sense that he fails to speak and act in a way that would agree with most readers' images of themselves. (The "Choose Your Own Adventure" and "Time Machine" series, created by Edward Packard, were much better at this, featuring characters to whom the story was addressed in the second person who almost all readers could believe were themselves.) And the book features continuity errors--the Halley's Comet aspect of the storyline is in dubious continuity with "Attack of the Cybermen," and what in the universe is Turlough doing with the Sixth Doctor? Also, where did Michael Holt, the author, get the idea that Peri is from New England, as stated on the first page? I have never seen this information in any other "Doctor Who" literature--could it come from some guide to the character produced by the "Who" production staff of the time? At any rate, this is an extremely poor book.

I am in complete agreement Anthony but these Find Your Fate books were obviously aimed at about seven to eight year olds. This would have to be the worst one. And there's no reason to throw away continuity either.
Actually, Williams Emms' Mission To Venus wasn't too bad and had a reasonable story, shame the Find Your Fate stuff kept ruining the flow.

Someone just gave me 'Invasion of the Ormazoids' the other day - I now have four of these books (two of which cost me 75 cents!)

Haha, that was 2 years ago.
Has it really been that long?

What's a mere two years? I've been on the board since 1998. (Admittedly December 18th, 1998, but all the same...scary.)

There was another series of chose-your-own-path type of books, a completely different series, with much thicker books. One was a Doc6 and Perri adventure about a soldier from the American Civil War taken out of time, another (the only other one so far as I know) was a Dog4 and Sarah Jane Dalek story.

Anyone ever seen these? I use to have them, probably even have them packed away somewhere.

Dog4 and Sarah Jane? I thought her K9 was only a Mark III...;)

Yeah Goog, I saw two of those styled books in a second-hand store once. I shoulda grabbed them, but I didn't. One was the American Civil War one and the other was a 4th Doctor one.

There were only two solo-rpg books from FASA in 1986: 'Doctor Who and the Rebel's Gamble' (the American Civil War one, with the curious line up of the 6th Doctor, Peri and Harry!) and 'Doctor Who and the Vortex Crystal'. They were only ever published in the USA. FASA were the publishers of the insanely complicated Doctor Who rpg system and produced quite a few spinoff sourcebooks and modules in 1985-1986.

They also published (in one of the rpg manuals) probably the most obscure Doctor Who related short stories of all: 'Tabby-Cats and Time Lords' by William McLimore Jr. in which a tubby Time Lord joins forces with a female cat burglar to battle the Master.

Oh god. Of all the shameless cash-ins since our private obsession suddenly became the most successful thing in human history, the BBC's DECIDE YOUR DESTINY series are the worst.

For one thing, the title is erroneous. The BBC might - just - have been able to get away with labelling 'em as Choose Your Own Adventure or something (the level of actual choice being close to zero, ditto for that adventurous feeling, but hey, they probably wouldn't have contravened the Trades Descriptions Act) but your destiny is EXACTLY what you're not allowed to decide here. However hard you try to kill yourself (and trust me, five minutes with these books and you're trying VERY HARD INDEED)* nothing will stop you being taken safely home by the Doctor after stumbling around a few corridors and meeting a few nasty aliens.

And when I say 'the Doctor', of course, I should emphasise that NONE of these books (I'm talking about the first four, though Sutekh-save-us ANOTHER four have ALREADY been produced before I got round to writing this) contain ONE SINGLE IOTA of that 'indefinable magic' that makes Who so special. (Unless you count the photos of Tennant on the covers. Which of course I do. Though even I wouldn't claim they're worth the £4.99 that these slender volumes exact from an innocent public under the misrepresentation that they in any way resemble proper Who.)

None of the books manage to resemble proper you-are-the-hero type books EITHER. I mean, YOU DON'T NEED DICE! You have no skill or stamina! You are presented with TWO choices at the end of each section and, as I might possibly have mentioned, it's really not gonna MATTER which you choose. Each 'adventure' takes about ten minutes, and you can squeeze about three 'different' ones out of each book...if you try really hard.

Sorry, I should stop ranting on like they're actual ABOMINATIONS. They're not by Mick Lewis or Joseph Lidster. They're just...utterly worthless.

OK, for more specialised nitpicking...

The Spaceship Graveyard by Colin Brake:

Oh. Dear. SOMEONE hasn't quite got the hang of such books. The 'choices' you make are of the 'If the engines respond' 'If the doors are closed' 'If he has a grenade in his hand' 'If you've landed on a spaceship's bridge' variety. Well, HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW? I should only have control over my OWN actions! The book is supposed to be giving me enough information to base my choices on - not asking ME to decide whether a black hole goes out or not! Talk about not even TRYING to suspend disbelief - it's actually ASKING me to MAKE IT ALL UP.

For something utterly devoid of that Who-y feeling, it manages to rip an awful lot of stories off. Resurrection Casket, Brain of Morbius, Impossible Planet, Three Doctors...And the (admittedly valiant) attempt to portray the TARDIS console room in all its glory is somewhat sunk by the mention of anyone's two least favourite things - the seat belts and the bicycle pump.

God, I can't STAND stories that try to cover up their distinct lack of excitement by suddenly claiming that the entire universe is at stake...

Alien Arena by Richard Dungworth:

Points for at least being bothered to create a proper alien abduction scene instead of (as with the other three books) just muttering some utter waffle about 'you' accidentally wandering aboard the TARDIS (whilst signally failing to convey ONE SHRED of the glory, ecstasy, terror, wonder, and utter insanity of actually DOING so).

Followed, of course, by much wandering around corridors, ventilation shafts etc before ending up as a contestant in the Arena, only to be *yawn* rescued in the nick of time by the Doctor.

To be fair, there are several different ways the Doc can win the day, but the I've-just-picked-up-an-alien-pal-who-can-control-all-the-baddies'-minds one is a bit of a cop-out, and the let's-take-Big-out-of-time-before-he-can-cause-any-of-this-trouble one is worse than a cop-out - if the Doctor was happy to cheat the Web of Time like this it's bloody funny he was prepared to die - and see the universe conquered by Daleks - in Parting of the Ways rather than do anything of the sort. Oh, and the let's-leave-it-to-the-abductees-to-'persuade'-Big-to-get-them-home is rather odd. What makes the Doctor think they won't just beat Big to death? Or take over the time machine themselves, what with being Genghis Khan and suchlike?

'Their leader is someone called Mr Big. Since he seized control, he's apparently developed some kind of machine that can extract people from time' - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! So after this vicious thug has led a prison take-over, he...INVENTS A TIME MACHINE in his spare time!

Tee hee. I can understand the NSA covers invariably getting everything wrong - we can hardly expect them to go to the trouble of, say, photographing Freema in a green silk dress cos the book in question inconsiderately mentions it - but they must have plenty of pics of Tennant in both suits...and here he's in the stupid blue one after the text mentions pinstripes.

Since when does Martha karate-kick?

*I'm talking, of course, of getting one's fictional self obliterated. In case anyone was wondering, I wouldn't dream of topping myself while there's A NEW SERIES OF DOCTOR WHO ON TELEVISION to look forward to, though this is raising worrying questions of whether I'll have to get myself cryogenically frozen instead of, as hitherto, embracing euthanasia when I'm old and useless. Still, given that the new series is a pathetic wimp that can't even make it to FIVE YEARS without taking a break *looks daggers at Tennant* I perhaps shouldn't be too bovvered.

The Time Crocodile by Colin Brake:

Nice title. Also has - joy of joys - Tennant with specs AND pout on the cover. Sadly the rest of book maintains the tradition of rubbishness. And of Brake not understanding that he's supposed to tell you what the hell is going on.

Section 18 - the time croc tells you he can, er, travel in time. If you let him out of his cage, turn to section 110 - where the time croc tells you he can travel in time.

73 - in the only moment of excitement in all four books, you actually get to toss a coin!!! to decide something.

'We need to stop the experiment before it ever gets started' - see above re the Doctor not cheating the Web of Time like this.

The TARDIS key doubles as a BATTERY?

If a TARDIS reading goes above 200, you're supposed to hit 'reset' and input a code. When turning to the 'reading is above 200' page, however (a decision YOU have to make up, of course) you start walking towards the TARDIS doors. Instead of doing that simple task. For no readily apparent reason.

Talk to a crocodile or talk to a tortoise. That's about the only 'destiny' you get to decide. And they both lie through their teeth to you...

The Corinthian Project by Davey Moore:

No less than 54 (yes, I counted them. So I'm sad. You knew that already) sections, out of a total of 96 (that's 56% (yes, I did the maths. See above re sadness)) DON'T OFFER YOU ANY CHOICE AT ALL! Admittedly the rare occasion when you ARE offered a choice it seldom gets more exciting than 'left or right' but...it's the principle of the thing. Just telling you which page to turn to, even (especially) when trying to make it sound exciting ('Now head out to the Bio Domes by turning to 47!') is just cheating. Plus there are only two potential endings - at least the other three books went to town on endings if nothing else.

First time I tried this drivel I completely missed out on the briefing at the beginning, resulting in me not having a clue for the entire book (not that one NEEDS a clue, obviously). Second time round I got stuck in a chronic hysteresis as I went to the briefing TWICE, to be welcomed as if for the first time on BOTH occasions. (Honestly, if a PROPER choose-your-own-adventure book got in this sort of mess I'd quite understand, but there's no excuse for something this mind-bogglingly basic to do so.)

'Turn to 54 to witness the wonder of the Bio Domes. If you want to experience the thrills of the Wet Dock, go to 7' - no, please, stop trying to pretend this is thrilling, it just highlights the fact that...it's not.

Ah, the Dax. The most unconvincing, one-dimensional, NICE aliens it has ever been my displeasure to encounter. How fortunate (for them, if not for me) that their heroic attempts to save the Domes by hurling themselves on all the bombs merely result in them being stunned rather than, say, BLOWN INTO LITTLE PIECES.

Anyone would think the helpful list was written for people who'd arrived by TARDIS. And who were also about four years old. 'Airlock - to exit the Project into the ocean, you must pass through an airlock' - so how did all the delegates get IN, then? (Oh, and as I'm feeling in a petty mood - one of the 'O.F.O.'s is missing its final full stop.)

There's a United World Council - since when?!

Section 20 - why is everyone politely not asking Jolla why he's just deliberately tried to get them killed? The Doctor mentions the state of the vehicles (AFTER Jolla has left) but no-one gives a second thought to his cold-blooded and repeated attempts to get 'em to fatally press the wrong button.

The Crystal Snare by Richard Dungworth:

It's not bad. Well, not bad by Decide Your Destiny standards, OBVIOUSLY it's an inane piece of pointless drivel. But a surprisingly educational one. Learnt more about the Great Exhibition from this than from Other Lives OR Camera Obscura (if not why the Doc never bumped into himself there).

So you get scooped from your bed and time-travelled by two people peddling on a Victorian machine...and you don't even feel surprise (or indeed any other emotion, for the duration of the book...alright, maybe you're 'terrified' once)?

Maybe you're too bored wandering around hiding from police before they turn into aliens and you start running round hiding from 'em to bother with emotions.

Sadly this doesn't stop Martha from screaming and shrieking. A lot.

And the last page advertises 'Warriors of the Kudlak'.

War of the Robots by Trevor Baxendale.

And...er...that's about it. That's the review. There isn't much POINT in saying more, people can draw their own conclusions with no difficulty. It's a Baxendale, so it's boring. It's a BBC Doctor Who Decide Your Destiny book, so it doesn't make the blindest bit of difference which of the paltry choices you make - however brave or cowardly you are is irrelevant (the opposite conclusion to that suggested by the REST of Who, but never mind). And it's called War of the Robots, so don't you just KNOW you're gonna spend ten minutes dodging loads of killer robots before the Doc reprogrammes 'em?

So, I just can't be bothered to nitpick little things like Martha running around with a crushed leg, the miraculous number of times you (sadly) fail to get killed as you run around a warzone being shot at by killer robots, you pointing the Doctor and Martha out to each other 30 seconds after they'd waved to each other, the Doctor and Martha getting gripped by the robot when it ALREADY had them in its grip in the previous section, the misuse of the word 'decimate' (after the Master went to all that trouble to restore it to its correct useage!), the human survivors' utter lack of any emotion about the unexpected visitors from space, the patheticness of that 'you've been killing us for centuries, let's all be friends!' ending, the ultra-convenience of all the robots being linked, the Doctor's stupidity in telling the computer he was gonna sonic it off, the inexplicability of its subsequent defence-beam being non-fatal, the Doctor's claim he's never met a computer that could get a joke (what about BOSS?)...nope, I don't see why I should put more effort into nitpicking than anyone did into this book.

The Haunted Wagon Train by Colin Brake:

Obviously NOT third-time-lucky as far as Brake realising that HE'S supposed to be telling YOU what's going on and not asking you to invent your own surroundings.

'You' get a trip in the TARDIS for giving the Doctor an old thermometer? What happened to 'I only take the best'?

'For once the weapon isn't being pointed at the Doctor' - hello! 'You' have only just MET the Doc, how d'you know he's always getting weapons pointed at him?

The Doctor's psychic paper doesn't convince the scout that you're on an undercover mission for the President...yet if you can name the President of the United States (gosh, what an achievement, no-one but a secret agent could possibly know such a thing!) he's suddenly convinced that the Doctor, a kid and a black female are bona fide...?

And how come some modern kid would know the choice of Presidents in this unknown year was between Tyler and Harrison when the Doc himself doesn't?

'I was here three or four lifetimes ago' - so how come Red Wolf recognises TennnantDoc, then?

One 'adventure' signally fails to offer an explanation for why the wagon train has a ghostly reflection. Another implausibly claims it's an alien's idea of an SOS.

The Dark Planet by Davey Moore:

Well, it's a bit livelier than most of 'em. Not that that's saying anything. And it's the least plausible of a highly implausible bunch.

For someone who's only just joined the Doc, 'you' are remarkably familiar with the concept of a sonic screwdriver and psychic paper.

'"Oooh, a funfair!" says the Doctor, brightly. "That might cheer us up"' - what, after the permanent darkness....albino-cockroach-infested chapel...mysterious hooded figure...surely even TennantDoc wouldn't be THAT banally enthusiastic?

How come no-one spotted the rather obvious too much/too little sun problem sooner?

All those different endings are shockingly abrupt. The assumptions that everything'll be OK now are grossly exaggerated. I mean...'"Bringing the two sides together will be a new age of enlightenment" chuckles Martha'. Well, if everything was THAT bloody easy they'd've hardly needed the Doc, would they.

So in the whole of Downside, there is but one Messiah-child! And the heroic Quest to find him...succeeds two minutes later by bumping into him in a tanning salon. Um, yes. Well.

Are we really supposed to believe Earth ends up like this? And if so, WHEN? God, haven't we got enough conflicting evidence about the future-history of our planet?

Oh, and slight overuse of shadow-related words ('A large, shadowy figure steps out of the shadows').

The Horror of Howling Hill by Jonathan Green:

The TRUE horror is that this is the twelfth - TWELFTH! - Decide Your Destiny book. Well, I'm certainly howling.

An alien spaceship in a barrow? THAT'S original. (For anyone who somehow missed the point, the Doctor helpfully name-drops The Daemons - along with a helluvalot of other stories.)

Yup, the usual DYD choices - left or right? (Plus half of 'em are just 'Turn to X if you've met Zach and turn to X if you haven't', reducing the already infinitesimal level of 'choice'.)

Very smart of the Doc to know all about Arthur Cove, even when he encounters the helmet BEFORE hearing his name from the vicar/Zach.

The Doctor is 'pleased with himself' for blowing up an alien spaceship?! Just to save 'you' from getting hauled off round the universe? Vandal!

How do 'you' know the Doc's sneakers are 'prized'?

The Webstar was Christmas 2006? Surely 2007, given Aliens of London's twelve-month gap?

'Dimensions' in 'TARDIS'? Would that it were so...

Why isn't Zach annoyed after being criminally dragged from that ship against his will?

Despite the unbelievable basicness of the set-up, it still manages to go hideously wrong. You can come 'at last' to the Museum for a second time, and perform all the same actions with no sense of deja vu. And Section 19 tells you to go to Section 99 if you're not with Zach...which makes it rather odd that in 99 you're with Zach...neither of you displaying the slightest awareness of the fact he was last seen being dragged away by a monster...

Lost Luggage by Colin Brake:

For god's sake...how many times is the Doc gonna leave the TARDIS door unlocked for a young Earthling to stumble into just as he's dematerialising? Hasn't he learnt his lesson yet?

Sadly, despite this being his FOURTH Decide Your Destiny attempt, Brake still hasn't grasped the fundamentals of the genre, so it's still up to 'you' whether the bloke in the doorway is a blue-skinned alien or a robot. Or whatever.

How often does the yoof of today wander awe-struck into Churches and Temples?

So the response to intruders in strictly-out-of-bounds areas is...to ask them to make their own way to the Security Office...on Saturn?

Why does the Doctor book economy class tickets instead of robbing the nearest cashpoint?

Ah, guns don't work in the TARDIS...yeah, tell that to Captain Jack. And the Dalek he blew to smithereens with his big gun. In the TARDIS.

So Captain Lacey offers to help when the TARDIS disappears. Nice of him, given that you've never actually met him.

Why does it take the police not the Doctor to restart the automatic life support systems? (In fact, if they're so automatic why does it take ANYONE?) Come to think of it, when you add up the Doctor getting off the spaceship at the wrong stop and then just sitting around watching you suffocate instead of turning on the oxygen/hypnotising you into a coma or whatever...he WANTS you to die, doesn't he? Not that I can blame him.

I don't approve of the Doctor having bank accounts. Or deadlocking anything.

The Bad Wolf virus is blamed for wiping out information about the Doctor. As a matter of fact, it wiped info about ROSE - it was the nameless virus the Doc gave Mickey that was supposed to cover HIS tracks.

'As if the old girl would let just anyone in!' the Doctor announces when the TARDIS displays the hitherto unsuspected skill of electrocuting the bad guy using the Doc's key to get in. Er...that's the same TARDIS that eloped with the Master, right?

If the Doctor knows Earl, why pose as a hairdresser to get to see his bald pal?

Is this (despite some pretty strong competition) the weakest DYD EVER? I mean, TARDIS gets taken away, you follow and find it. Or, according to one thrilling variation, TARDIS get taken away, you follow and then have to go back to your starting place (the hub of indeterminate capitalisation) to find it.

Still, Tennant's left eyeball and eyebrow are being ultra-adorable on the (Martha-free!) cover, so it isn't a TOTAL loss...Oh, and bonus points for the bad guys actually having the sense to confiscate the sonic screwdriver while locking him up.

The Dragon King by Trevor Baxendale:

Hey - that Doctor doesn't even bother asking your name, let alone if you're OK with the TARDIS, alien planets, etc. What a git.

'a blast of fire scorches the back of his coat' - could there BE a greater blasphemy than damaging The Coat? Its sacred iconic-ness is second only to Tom's Scarf, Eccleston's Ears and Tennant's Hair...

...oh. Speaking of which...

'as an energy pulse shaves a lock of hair off his spiky fringe' - god, why not just REGENERATE him while you're at it, blasphemer???

Why, exactly, do you unnecessarily choose to walk into a stinking marsh of fatal quicksand?

Let me get this staight. Some high-tech invaders with blasters etc start viciously attacking the primitive natives. One of said natives - young and female - drags you and the Doc out of there. Then tells you to climb the nearest volcano while she rushes back to fight alongside her doomed people. You and the Doc then...climb the volcano. Say WHAT?

The Dragon King only eats women and children? Why?

Shining Darkness made it PERFECTLY CLEAR that the Doc is not remotely familiar with ANY of the Andromeda Galaxy, so what's with the 'Nice spot, pleasant people, just the ticket' stuff?

Oh dear god. Every dragon in the cosmos magically transports itself to Haxokros when it dies. 'Must be some sort of tele-transportation power in their DNA'...that'd be utterly ridiculous even if said dragons hadn't (presumably) evolved separately on loads of different planets.

Ooooh dear. SOME paths to page 86 do make sense of the 'dangers you have faced since stepping out of the TARDIS', 'your adventures on this planet' and "We couldn't leave now, even if we wanted to" stuff. However, it is also perfectly possible to get to that page having done nothing more dangerous than walking out of the TARDIS and promptly encountering some big shells. Oh, and the Doctor's 'I thought the telekinetic projection was a good trick - but that's nothing compared to this! Tele-transportation! Incredible!' stuff is frankly embarrassing.

The villagers keep a ferocious fanghog that feeds on children? Blimey. Isn't that a bit...stupid?

'The village looks peaceful enough, although there's a rather fierce-looking man in a ceremonial headderess...waving a number of lethal-looking knives over his head' - oh-kaaaay. THIS is your definition of PEACEFUL?

Credit where it's due...Baxendale manages to squeeze a HELL of a lot of different adventures out of one skinny book (even if some of 'em take four minutes, tops). But obviously he's still got to die for the mutilation of my Doctor AND my Doctor's Coat.

The Coldest War by Colin Brake:

Hell. The new batch (all two of 'em, mercifully) have the worst covers since Parasite. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Matt Smith does NOT photograph well. When he's actually BEING the Doctor - moving like a drunken giraffe (as Moffat put it), talking nineteen to the dozen, saving the universe etc etc - that unusual face is totally to his advantage. Here, he just looks weird. And about twelve years old.

And - may the gods have mercy on my soul - the shiny new abominations encourage you to continue the "adventure" online. (To be fair, the thrilling music, puzzles and pictures of the monsters and the Doctor (they obviously couldn't afford his voice) do add a certain...something. It's a pity HALF this effort couldn't have been put into writing a semi-decent choose-your-own-adventure book in the first place.)

The sonic screwdriver can't cope with SCREWS? And to think I found its deadlock inabilities too much to take...

'"Ah, fantastic," says the Doctor, taking the screwdriver and then stopping suddenly with a frown. "No, that's not right. Not one of my words any more. Sorry. Oh, and there's another. Said enough of those too..."' - THE DOCTOR shouldn't realise he has catchphrases! Next thing you know, he'll be thinking he's a fictional character or something!

"Some of the fixtures on the console are, well, not exactly the original design specs and my trusty sonic screwdriver doesn't have a setting for them" - er, wasn't the sonic CREATED by the TARDIS at the same time she was creating the new console...????

The TARDIS power banks are being siphoned off. Ergo the Cloister Bell is ringing and the TARDIS is dying...UH?

"I know a little of the Sycorax language" - how come the TARDIS isn't translating for the Doctor? Is it cos it's 'dying'? (Evidently not, as a dying TARDIS translates just fine in another version of this "adventure".)

Why does the shape-shifter-fake-Doctor reveal himself as a fake?

Why - after it has absorbed all the energy of the Sycorax ship AND the TARDIS - does the creature DIE from vaporising one Sycorax? (Let alone why it lays down its life for the Doc.)

Why is there only one Sycorax on the ship?

The sonic screwdriver has a MANUAL? When it grew from the TARDIS console?

"Atraians, they're traders. They travel all over the place buying and selling products from other cultures. Not so different to the Sycorax really, just a bit more honest about it" - er...somehow I'm totally failing to see the big similarity between some traders and the genocidal, enslaving Sycorax.

'"Three of us? Against that lot?" Amy doesn't sound convinced' - yeah...cos it's not like the Doc's got a track record of defeating alien invasions, or anything...

Oh god - Amy just GUESSES the door-code...

Why does Amy assume the base commander is a 'her'? Before asking "Why is it always a bloke in charge?"

"Cost me a hand first time I met them. Caused no end of trouble that hand" - yeah, bloody inconsiderate of it to SAVE ALL THE UNIVERSES and suchlike...

The Doctor left 'a floppy hat and an enormous multi-coloured scarf' on a SNOWMAN? He wouldn't! He couldn't! I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"The scientists at this base found her, imprisoned her and experimented on her. They deserved everything that happened to them" - yeah, what an incredibly Doctorish attitude - that humans DESERVE to die for investigating an alien. They were just ASKING for it, the scum.

Claws of the Macra by Trevor Baxendale:

£5.99 for these things? You've gotta be joking. Alright, so they're longer than the old Decide Your Destiny books, but that is NOT necessarily to the reader's advantage...Admittedly, the first time I tried it I got through three whole exciting choices before mercifully hitting the end...

The sonic screwdriver is 'slim'? Not any more it isn't.

'If you think the Doctor should check the pipeline...If you think he should investigate the strange signals...' - who the hell do YOU think you ARE?

If the Doctor is 'leading everyone towards the exit doors' how come 'all the schoolies' go through the other exit...without anyone noticing?

The Macra is 'the size of a family car' - how big is a family car as opposed to just...y'know...a car? Unless it's a very BIG family the Macra should be considerably larger...

'The Macra Accord could not have been made without your help, Doctor' - yes it could. He was about as much use as in Planet of the Ood.

'His psychic paper' - how do you know about that?!

Blimey. Why are the Doc and co taking a nice sea-trip...instead of getting all the innocent little ickle kiddies out of a Macra-infested refinery?

Why does the Doc give you a flare-gun to shoot at Macra? I know he doesn't like shooting things, but his solution is seldom to hand the gun to a child and tell it to do it for him...

'The Macra have to be stopped - if they take control of the refinery it will be goodbye Earth!' - er...why?

Since when has a perception filter made everyone completely invisible to each other?

The Doctor threatens to reverse the teleport to send the Macra back where they came from. '"You would not dare! Reversing the teleport signal would kill us all!" "Possibly"' - er...WHY would it kill them? And why, when they ARE all teleported back on the next page, do the Macra and the Doctor act like it's fine, no mention of genocide...

Why do the 'friendly agreement' thing...AFTER the Macra have run amok and threatened invasion??

While visiting the States last month, I picked up my old copies of a few of these and will try to get some reviews in. One is by Pip and Jane which should be good for laughs, something that their non-canonical work allows.

To start the nits though, one of the blurbs refers to the Doctor as 'the world's greatest Time Lord.' Okay, that's not technically a nit--I mean, he is--but geez, why not just say he's London's greatest Time Lord to boot?

And one features the Sixth Doctor and K9 on the cover, but there doesn't seem to be any K9 in the story. Moreover, K9 is very much in the background on the cover and not immediately visible, so it's not like a marketing ploy, or at least not a good one.

Eek. I have six of those abominations on my shelf, and I've been strenuously avoiding so much as looking at their covers (well, the BBC keeps churning out Decide Your Destinies for my delectation. Just when I thought I had a breather, and would have to face the horror of Pip n'Jane, it seems we're soon to be blessed with the delightfully-named Judoon Monsoon, so hopefully I can put the Make Your Own Adventures off for another few years).

Hmm. Have now looked at the covers (a trauma I hold you solely responsible for) and K9 looks pretty prominent to me on Search For The Doctor. Is there more than one edition of these things? (Surely HIGHLY unlikely.) Or do my eyes just LEAP to darling little K9 to escape the sight of TWO Colin Bakers...?

Yes, the American and British versions have very different covers and the series name is different as well. K9 is on the US Ormazoids one.

cf: http://www.gamebooks.org/gallery/dw5a.jpg

While the US covers are no prize-winners, they are vastly better than the UK ones.

While the US covers are no prize-winners, they are vastly better than the UK ones.

Agreed.

Surely if there was money enough for various different covers, there was money enough to get better authors? (Technically speaking I suppose I ought not to slag 'em off before reading them, but the words Pip n'Jane speak for themselves, really.)

Judoon Monsoon by Oli Smith - in which everyone takes orders from the imbecile known as 'you'...

Well. A not-bad-at-all Decide Your Destiny book. Aren't there fundamental universal laws against such things? You can actually LOSE. Drastically and heartbreakingly. In fact, it's bloody difficult not to. (Still can't get yourself killed, but hey, maybe next time.)

It's a bit weird having THIS as one's first experience of the Mr and Mrs Pond team, though. Shouldn't we SEE THEM ON TV first and get a grasp of how much they remember of their several previous conflicting centuries of existence? Hell, we still don't KNOW Rory isn't plastic...

'Or, as I like to call it, outer space' - actually he likes to call it inner time...or was that just Tom?

On the plus side, there's none of that wandered-inside-the-TARDIS-by-accident rubbish. On the other hand, there isn't ANY explanation of what the hell YOU (aka 'our new guest') are doing there.

'The Doctor steps in with his customary pumping handshake' 'a familiar fire sparks in the Doctor's eyes' - how the hell do you know what's customary/familiar for the Doc you've known for, what, half an hour?

Why does the Doctor say they'll need the boat for an hour, before announcing 'I give you my word, we'll only be a moment'?? And why does he say 'I make a habit of not dying' when he's done so TEN TIMES OVER?

There's no way the Judoon cells are the securest in the galaxy. Those rhinos are THICK.

'Hey, Judoon, over here! It's me, the Doctor!' - is it THAT sensible to tell the beasties this? Either they'll want to arrest him for disobeying the Shadow Architect's battle-leading orders, or they'll want to shut him back in that box...

'You're right!' 'It's your call!' - er...WHY exactly? Why is the 900-year-old Lord of Time/Oncoming Storm/Lonely God suddenly following every word of advice from whoever the hell you think you are?

Oh dear god. Even the JUDOON are taking orders from you. Why? WHY?

'Don't worry about [the Judoon]. They've got good intentions' - that's not what he was saying when he was running up and down all those corridors and getting all his blood sucked out in Smith and Jones.

'The colonists are willing to accept the Varna as neighbours and forgive their past crimes' - that's a rather liberal interpretation of ONE colonist saying she'd trust the Doctor...I certainly wouldn't forgive their crimes, for starters.

The Doctor doesn't have a PEN? Whatever happened to bigger-on-the-inside pockets?

'Even Amy and Rory are having fun' - I'm sorry, exactly what do you mean by 'even'? Are you implying those two are a pair of killjoys? WRONG! And anyway, how would YOU know?

'There's nothing worse than getting in the Judoon's way' - er...if you REALLY put your mind to it, Doc, you could probably think of one or two things...

'The Doctor looks to Rory. "Well, you wanted to meet your enemy. Why don't you answer it?" Rory looks at his shoes. "You know what? I'm okay at the moment"' - is THAT what the two-thousand-year-old, dives-into-a-burning-building-for-his-fiancee's-corpse Lone Centurion is like the moment he becomes Mr Pond? A coward?

'Our sun was old and dying and we realised that we had to find a new home before it was extinguished completely. Unfortunately our technology for interstellar travel is not nearly as advanced as yours' - OK, firstly, wouldn't you have THOUSANDS OF YEARS to invent new tech while your sun died VERY VERY SLOWLY? And secondly, I'm not convinced that dying suns actually GO OUT at the end of their lives instead of exploding or whatever.

'"I've met the Judoon many times, Amy," the Doctor says slowly. "But never once have I seen one change its mind."' - MANY TIMES? Since when? And what do you mean, never changes its mind? CLYDE LANGER got one to change its tiny mind in about two seconds flat, when it came to going into a restricted zone...

'You're right: we have to face our fears' - er...THE DOCTOR is afraid of entering a floating town containing monsters WHO'VE NEVER KILLED ANYBODY?

Section 45 unfortunately gets the protest/don't protest numbers muddled up...

Why is Bo-ro-lo-ko-sho! hyphenated on the back cover when it isn't in the book?

Oh, and LOVE the title.

wasn't the sonic CREATED by the TARDIS at the same time she was creating the new console...????

Clearly, she didn't want her thief fiddling with those bits.

I'm not convinced that dying suns actually GO OUT at the end of their lives instead of exploding or whatever.

Depends on their size. Big stars blow up in supernova, but small ones just fizzle out. Our sun, which is in between will bloat up, until it swallows the Earth, but stop short of exploding.

However, earth-like planets aren't going have suns small enough to just fizzle out. If they did, the process would take millions of years, and stars that small live longer than the current age of the universe - up to 10 trillion years - so they won't be dying any time soon.

earth-like planets aren't going have suns small enough to just fizzle out. If they did, the process would take millions of years

Ha! I knew it!

Well, OK, so I didn't exactly know anything about dying suns, I just had the vague feeling this book got its science wrong. And when I get that feeling, you can be •••• sure that the target audience of six-year-old boys will too.

Empire of the Wolf by Neil Corry:

Credit where it's due, there are loads of different adventures (I use the word in its loosest possible term), many of which end in *drumroll* DEATH! Or transformation into a werewolf! For the whole world! (How THAT fits in with canon is anyone's guess.)

Unfortunately it means most of 'em are brief, pointless, and don't hang together at all well - When exactly did you get on the Doctor's motorbike? 'Then you remember the man and woman in the bike and sidecar. They could be injured' - except that you checked on them in the LAST section. OMG, the stone is a transmitter! Just as you realised in the last section. 'Who you notice is wearing a bow tie' - which you specifically noted in the last section. The mention of a wand-like device' when you've already USED the sonic screwdriver. Etc etc. (And if I hear about Amy's bright-pink crash helmet ONE MORE TIME...)

Why are you telling yourself where you live?

'Large cold blue eyes' 'Bright crystal blue' - I haven't seen so much eyeball-obsession since Heritage. Sadly not exactly matching the small dark can't-even-tell-what-colour-they-are werewolf eyes on the cover.

Do werewolves march towards you, exactly?

'Come on you two, keep it down' - I've just about got used to the fact that the Doctor is not only taking YOU with him for no readily apparent reason, he's consulting you at every turn and even following your childish whims...but THIS is just BEYOND THE PALE. Who the hell do you think you ARE?

Do NOT like the conclusion where you the Doctor and Amy do sod-all while the *yawn* professor who started this all does the noble self-sacrifice thing...

And don't particularly like the conclusion where, just because YOU didn't go with the Doctor, the entire world gets infected. What, he, Amy, AND the military are so helpless? And I'm not sure this book making REALLY BAD THINGS happen to you (and usually everyone else as well) every time you sensibly run away or just hang back a bit is particularly fair. A TRUE Companion has gotta be good at running away...

You 'can't believe that you've made it inside without being eaten alive' - you and me both, Sunshine.

The werewolves almost infected Queen Victoria. ALMOST?

Instead of spending all that time dodging the soldiers, why doesn't the Doctor whip out his psychic paper?

Ooh, the exciting computer bit...

'Unfortunately the online element to the Decide your Destiny books is no longer unavailable. If you have been directed to this page by the books we are sorry for this inconvenience. If you go back to the Decide your Destiny book you are currently reading you can continue your Doctor Who adventure by choosing a new path.

Enjoy your adventure!'

WHAT!

'Unfortunately' - what, it was an Act Of God???

I feel ROBBED!

Second Skin:

Feels slightly more substantial than most Decide Your Destiny book - i.e. you haven't finished in moments - though that might possibly be a side-effect of being SO BLOODY BORED.

So the Doctor just happens to have a Time Mine and an electronic Encyclopaedia Britannica about his person? And the sonic screwdriver can generate him a personal forcefield...?

Why does the Doctor keep asking YOU for instructions, for heaven's sake? Not to mention giving you the bolt-gun...

'Teleportation is still several centuries off' - has EVERYONE forgotten dear old T-Mat?!

One of the monsters is 'passing within metres of where the Doctor is crouched in hiding' - OH MY GOD! SEVERAL METRES! WHAT A TERRIFYINGLY NARROW ESCAPE!

'To crawl along the left-hand duct, go to 48. To branch right, go to 35' - ah, truly a dilemma of Sophie's Choice proportions...

I loved the Choose Your Own Adventure/Make Your Own Adventure books. Especially the one involving mummies and pyramids. One time when i rolled the dice, my character ended up falling victim to a magic spell and laid down to rest in a sarcophagus "for as long as the sun rises and falls over Egypt".

Ooh - which one was that? (I've half a dozen such things I never quite got round to playing with, probably because they've got pictures of the Sixth Doctor on the cover. I probably ought to give 'em a go before some Capaldi-starring Choose The Future thing hits the shelves. In lieu of any ACTUAL TWELFTH DOCTOR NOVELS, of course.)

I suspect Natalie is talking about the long-running non-Who 'Make Your Own Adventure' series.

*sheepish* Yeah, those.

NON-WHO?!

That never OCCURRED to me.

Choose the Future: Night of the Kraken:

Well, unlike the Decide Your Destiny books, at least I seem to be some Invisible Force inexplicably manipulating the Doctor. Which is a vast improvement on being a Plucky Youngster Who Accidentally Stumbled Aboard The TARDIS And From Whom The Oncoming Storm Is Taking Orders For No Readily Apparent Reason, I can tell you.

Though I'm not convinced that 'The fate of the universe he protects is in your hands!' - it's just Earth, Earth, bloody Earth...

The Doctor BOUNDS through the TARDIS door *checks cover* you do realise this is CAPALDI not MATT, don't you?

'He clearly hasn't regenerated either; running his hand over his face, he discovers that his attack eyebrows are still in place' - shouldn't you SENSE that you haven't regenerated? Also, wouldn't ANY future regeneration TOTALLY keep the attack eyebrows?

'You're a Time Agent working for the Shadow Proclamation?' - since when could the Shadow Proc afford anything more than a couple of albinos and the thickest rhinos in the cosmos?

'"Names aren't important," mutters the Doctor' - ooh, what a liar! HIS name seems to be so important we don't get to know what it is, EVEN IN STORIES ENTITLED NAME OF THE DOCTOR.

OK, there are plenty of routes you can do where the Doctor, having encountered a zombie, totally fails to mention it ever again, let alone DO something about it.

'One of us needs to direct operations from inside my TARDIS - and, seeing as I'm the only one with a key and the necessary know-how, that's going to have to be me' - what's the key got to do with it? You can lend it out, you know. It's not like it's isomorphic or melts the lock if you turn it wrong or anything...

'Or, if you think the Doctor should rush back into the TARDIS and press a big red button on the console, go to 88' - WHAT big red button? Why on Earth would you make the Doctor do THAT? *Shrugs* Alright, I'll give it a go...

...••••! There's an actual TIME LOOP. Trapping our Doctor FOREVER! That's...unexpectedly horrific for one of THESE books.

Why would the smuggler leave all his alien tech for the Doctor?

'Knowing that the TARDIS's Hostile Action Displacement System is active' - I thought it was a DISPERSAL System these days?

'"How about a nice cup of tea?" "You can have ale or water," the barmaid tells him bluntly' - why would the Doctor need to PURCHASE tea when he can produce a cuppa from his pocket in the middle of SKARO? And why would a barmaid be providing filthy poisonous water to customers?

'If you think the Doctor should ask the young woman about the mysterious rider, go to 47' - he's just ASKED the young woman about the mysterious rider!

'"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that [your true love has been hanged for stealing]," the Doctor falters. He suddenly wishes he hadn't left his human-interaction cue cards in his other jacket' - nonsense, he tactfully restrained himself from telling her the thieving scumbag had it coming, what does he need the cards for?!

'The Time Lord spins round to see who has joined him within the holy building' - is it just me or would Our Hero TOTALLY not be thinking in terms of 'holy building' whenever he accidentally finds himself in a House of God?

'When the Doctor tries the handle, he discovers that the door is locked. If the Doctor has a large iron key, go to 100' - what, the sonic's having a DAY OFF or something?

'I'm the Doctor! Last of the Time Lords, defender of the universe, protector of the laws of time' - er...Doc...you DO remember GALLIFREY REAPPEARING and MISSY POPPING UP, right? (Also, since when has he called himself 'Defender of the universe'? And since when hasn't he broken laws of time whenever he feels like it?)

'"You're not from round here, are you?" he says at last' - well, given that HE'S JUST TOLD YOU he's a Time Lord...

'"Well, there's bending and then there's smashing into tiny smithereens," the Doctor scoffs. "Like you do with the laws of time?"' - how the hell does Ravenwood know THAT, he's only just met the Doc!

The Doctor carries walkie-talkies around with him? And expects eighteenth-century barmaids to use them without instruction?

'I'll be in my TARDIS' - and neither Ravenwood nor Bess bother to ask what that IS?

'Through the darkness' - it was BRIGHT BLUE SKY half an hour ago!

'The sun is rising' - so what the hell did the Doctor DO all night!

OK, there are SOME paths you can take where the Doctor actually DEALS with all that alien tech lying around and there are others where...he just LEAVES it all lying around. Zombie-maker included. In the eighteenth century.

'The Doctor can't help but give a cry of alarm at what he sees. "Kraa'Kn! Primitive, vicious and usually hungry!"' - since when does ANY Doc respond to a mindless monster with a cry of alarm? (And if he DID it would be that over-excitable Troughton or wimp Davison, not tough, scary, Scottish CAPALDI.)

'"Surely you're the worst this night has to throw at me," the Doctor gasps as he runs along the beach' - also, none of him say anything remotely this inane.

'Captain Henry Avery of the Fancy himself would think twice before taking any of them on, even armed with his cutlass and no matter how much grog he had downed beforehand' - hmmm. Not sure holding up THAT waagghh-don't-scratch-me wimp as a paragon of courage is working for me.

'Only then does the Doctor see the man's clouded eyes and realise that he is completely blind. He won't have seen anything at all that's been going on around here. "Oh. Sorry to trouble you," the Doctor says and moves to leave' - firstly, since when has Capaldi been the sorry-to-trouble-you type, and secondly, is he SO discriminatory against the disabled that it doesn't occur to him that the BLOKE SITTING IN A PUB might have picked up some local gossip? I don't recall him treating CASS like a moronic child.

'How do you know I'm not local' - BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A SCOTTISH ACCENT YOU CRETIN. You KNOW you've got a Scottish accent, you commented on it IN DEEP BREATH.

'Thank you for your time' - OK, who are you and what have you done with the REAL Twelfth Doctor? (Also why did the guy do the polite 'don't mention it' thing instead of hinting that the least the Doc could do to express his gratitude is BUY HIM A DRINK.)

'The question is, who do I save? The humans or the Kraa'Kn?' - oh you have GOT to be kidding me.

'The question is, who do I save? The humans or the Kraa'Kn?' - oh you have GOT to be kidding me.

So, what happens if you choose to save the Kraa'Kn?

You miniaturise them and take them away to release safely on some barren planet, THUS SAVING THE HUMANS FROM THEIR ATTACKS. Stupid 'dilemma'.

Choose the Future: Terror Moon:

IS Capaldi 'gaunt'?

'It seems to have a mind of its own these days, the Doctor thinks sourly. The time machine never takes him where he wants to go' - Didn't THAT ship sail with The Doctor's Wife?

'He is about to ask his companion to fetch a torch from the TARDIS when he remembers that he is, for once, travelling alone. Another reason why he is feeling so bad-tempered. He likes company' - for once? Clara is ALWAYS making him travel alone whilst very occasionally condescending to grace him with her presence, when she hasn't got something more important to do, like taking the Year 7s for Taekwondo. (Plus, I've always assumed that Capaldi of all Doctors is rabidly anti-social. Of course, the fact he went to the trouble of gluing Nardole's head back on means I'm probably wrong.)

So in segment 1 you get the thrilling choice of turning to segments 2 or 3 and in segment 2 you get the thrilling choice of turning to segments 4 or 5...would it really be too much to ask to jumble the numbers up a bit?

'The TARDIS couldn't get it wrong twice in a row, surely' - NO Doctor would EVER have a thought quite THIS stupid.

'There's only one place an intruder could be hiding now: below the console' - SERIOUSLY? Sexy's near-infinite, isn't she?

'The Doctor operates the door control and the TARDIS is sealed from the outside universe. Trimonic locks materialise into place and the time machine's interior suddenly exists in a separate dimension' - oh, THAT'S what happens?!

'The Doctor edges towards the exit. He knows that one sudden move - perhaps even an untoward noise - will cause the creatures to swarm and very likely attack' - er, hasn't he just been playing his electric guitar at them - really loudly?

'Find somewhere secure. Preferably a large blue police box. If you see one of those, go inside' - doesn't he shut the door these days?

THAT'S a finale? Anjli deciding to leave the moon cos humans should never have come here? Isn't she INFECTED? What about the other survivors? What about the evil Malignocites running amok on this base that the Doc inexplicably decides the sonic screwdriver can't deal with?

How come YOU can decide whether or not they land the shuttle after the Doctor tells them to land the shuttle? Who the hell do 'you' think you ARE?

'He reaches the bottom of the deep shaft and manages to land without breaking any bones' - er...HOW? Hell, how did he even manage to steer himself into said shaft after jumping out of the shuttle?

The Doctor can't spot the difference between corpses and empty spacesuits by now?

The Doctor follows Kala along corridors to the antigravity shaft to her ship without mentioning that - hello - her ship has blown up!

'The creature, sensing immediate treachery' - how can it be treachery when the Doctor has never pretended to be on the evil monsters' side?

'The desperate, alien cry does nothing to soothe the Doctor's nerves' - the Doctor's WHAT!

'You made a mistake trusting me, you know' - but it didn't trust him, it forced him to open the TARDIS.

'If you think the shape is human, go to 10. If you think it isn't human, go to 11' - how the hell should I know! This isn't illustrated!

'I can't eliminate the nanites in here. It's possible that there is equipment that could do it...out there' - WHY does Sexy have no decent medical/scientific equipment? She's got a stock of spare LEGS for heaven's sake!

So the footsteps are a security guard or a professor, depending on whether you hide from said footsteps or wait for them? I'm not sure the universe should be operating like this.

Hardacre goes from 'There's no way to beat them!' to saying 'It's possible - theoretically' to beat them to saying 'If I can get to the main computer-programme control centre, yes' he's sure he can beat them - in the space of two pages.

'I can put the experiment right' - why tell THAT to the monster who's the result of said experiment going wrong? And why does it follow the Doctor into the TARDIS, meek as a lamb?

What, the creature is now slithering and glaring its way out of the TARDIS when the Doc tells it to 'Hop it'? WHY?

'He wishes he could go back to the moon, go back to the beginning, and start again. He thinks about it carefully...' - a brilliant post-modern attempt to canonise the fact there are several mutually contradictory stories in this book? Or an incredibly stupid piece of self-indulgence from a bloke who SHOULD be considering this one of his more successful adventures?

'We shall see, Time Lord. A laboratory might provide a suitable antidote' - so not exactly the 'You said there would be an antidote for the toxins you put into my bloodstream' the Doctor later claims.

'Where would he be without any brains? Would he regenerate? Would he transform into a mindless zombie-Doctor?' - don't they teach them ANYTHING at the Academy?

'The Doctor cannot abide cruelty in any form. He vows to save Kate's life, even at the expense of the creature's' - what, and he wasn't prepared to off the monster to save the Brig's daughter BEFORE?

Kudos for packing so many completely different adventures into one book.

a dilemma of Sophie's Choice proportions..

In the movie, Sophie knew what was useless ballast in the 1940s - off went the screaming little b|tch to the gas chamber

Jeez, even I don't hate kids that much...

You have to wonder about a DW entry in the Holocaust genre:
If Young Amelia Pond was captured by the Nazis, I think the Doctor would refuse the offer of a Swiss passport and accompany Young Amelia on the train to Auschwitz. Fortunately, like in "Jacob the Liar", Soviet soldiers intercept the train and we don't have to see Young Amelia given a shower to "de louse" her.

Some things are off limits to shows like that, and the Holocaust is no doubt one of them.

Though i think it's Capaldi if anyone that could do a Big Finish story with a "Jacob the Liar" type scenario where the Jacob type character dies or is arrested and the poor sobbing little Jewess child is on the train to Auschwitz but the Soviets save her just in time.

Time's Mosaic:

The Rebel's Gamble: 'Keith wrote two 4th Doctor gamebooks, but the cover artist for this one painted the 1986 regulars, i.e. Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant. Instead of contacting the writer or the artist, the editor simply rewrote the gamebook to match the cover, changing what he could and leaving what he couldn't (i.e. Harry Sullivan). That's why...the 6th Doctor doffs his hat to Robert E. Lee' - BLESS!