BEHIND THE STARGATE: SECRETS REVEALED

Transcript by Callie Sullivan.

Transcriber’s notes: This is as accurate a transcript as I can manage but at times the speaker was talking so quickly – or people were talking over each other – that it was difficult to hear what they were saying.
I’ve not transcribed every single ‘er’ and ‘um’, and have tried to make sensible sentences where the speaker lost his/her way a bit.
Often when people were speaking, clips of various episodes were showing in the background at the same time. I’ve not transcribed those unless they’re relevant to what’s being said. Extracts from various episodes are not transcribed here.
Bracketed comments beginning “SECRET REVEALED ...” were printed comments which appeared on the screen.
Please remember that some of the comments made by various people may look serious in plain print but were, in fact, meant sarcastically or humorously.

Open on a shot of space, with many stars. Then words appear: “Somewhere in the Pegasus galaxy...” As the camera pans across the sky, we hear someone ‘huffing’, then see David Hewlett standing in front of the sky with his back to us. The ‘sky’ is actually a black, star-speckled screen. David is huffing on a section of the screen and cleaning it with what looks like a paper tissue. Having finished that, he sighs in relief, as if he’s been at the job for a long time. The camera pulls back and we see that the screen is about 20 feet wide and who knows how high, as the top disappears from view. David turns around and notices the camera.
HEWLETT: Oh! (He tosses the tissue down on the ground, and waves at the camera.) Hi! I’m David Hewlett – I play Doctor Rodney McKay on “Stargate: Atlantis” and I’m here to take you Behind the Gate: The Secrets Revealed! “Stargate: Atlantis”, “Stargate: SG-1” ... The first mystery that I’m about to reveal to you people – first time today – is that space is, in fact, (he turns back to the black screen and gestures dramatically) a giant Elvis painting blown up really just from the groin region, thus to give you the vast expanse of space. (He smiles at the camera.) Mystery One solved!

David Hewlett is walking through one of the sets. We’re approaching a set of doors from the rear of that particular set, so the part that we would normally see onscreen is on the other side of the doors.
HEWLETT: “Behind the Gate” is gonna answer every single question you’ve ever had about “SG-1”, “Stargate: Atlantis” – we’re gonna take you behind the scenes. For example, behind these doors lies ... (He pushes through the doors onto the set to find a Puddlejumper sitting on the other side.) Aw, come on! Who parked the Jumper here?!

Richard Dean Anderson is talking with Peter DeLuise.
ANDERSON: How do you put up with the antics of those, kinds of, (he makes airquotes) “actors”?
DeLUISE: You know, with the hours that you guys put in, I don’t know how you don’t goof around all day.
ANDERSON: What do you mean, “you guys”?!
DeLUISE: “You guys” – well, you know, I meant the ...
ANDERSON: “Those guys.” That’s what you meant.
DeLUISE: “Those guys.” Not you.

DESERT LOCATION. Christopher Judge, in full Jaffa armour, has Peter DeLuise standing behind him shouting instructions to various people and generally goofing around.
JUDGE: This is how we have to prepare for a scene: carrying this running dialogue in the background! This is what we hear constantly!

AMANDA TAPPING: In this episode in particular we have current timeline, alternate timeline; we’re present day, we’re back five thousand years and in our alternate timeline ... (She shrugs, looks bewildered and walks away.)

David Hewlett comes back out of the Puddlejumper set.
HEWLETT: For example, we’re gonna see ... the “families”, really, that have grown up in the “SG-1” environments and the “Stargate: Atlantis” environments, I mean, you know, how we just interact as one big happy, happy family. (He smiles sweetly, then looks nervously to someone off camera.) We have footage of that, right? You got some footage of that?

Scene of Peter DeLuise apparently trying to strangle Rick Dean, the Head Lighting Technician, using Rick's long hair!

DESERT LOCATION.
JUDGE: We’re gonna show you guys how we greet each other in the morning. (He turns to the crew members.) Good morning, f... (the rest of the ‘greeting’ is bleeped out).
SOMEONE: Ass.

Peter DeLuise is still strangling Rick Dean.

David Hewlett is struggling with another guy, fighting to get to the food van first.
HEWLETT: Look, give me a damned chicken enchilada, um, uh, uh ... sir.

Michael Shanks and Pierre Bernard are sitting in the SGC Gateroom.
SHANKS: Let me ask you some questions while we’re here, interacting, talking, as friends – you know, fan to actor kind of (bleep) stuff.

DESERT LOCATION. Peter is still chattering away in the background.
JUDGE (to the documentary crew): Could you turn that camera off so he’s quiet?!

HEWLETT: Now, we have actually got, live from the web, questions from you (he holds the piece of paper to the camera) to us.
JOE FLANIGAN (reading one of the questions): “If Ancients have no body, how could the Wraith hurt them?” (He looks at the camera.) What, are you guys smart or something?!
JUDGE (reading one of the questions): “Is Christopher ...” (He tails off, reading the rest of the question to himself.)
BRAD WRIGHT: “Where’s the toilets and bathrooms in Atlantis?”
TAPPING: “Jack and Sam only. KILL PETE!” (She looks at the camera.) Wow.
JUDGE: Let me think about that for a second.
SHANKS: “What would be the perfect ending?” Um, the credits!

TAPPING: So you wanna know what’s behind the Gate? C’mon. (The camera shows her peering behind the SGC Stargate, then she turns to the camera.) Nothin’!

STUDIO ROOF. Rainbow Sun Francks is standing on the roof of the studio.
FRANCKS: Hey, how y’all doin’? It’s Rainbow Sun Francks, I play Lieutenant Aidan Ford on “Stargate: Atlantis” and, um, it’s a beautiful day in the place where both “Stargate: Atlantis” and “SG-1” are filmed. We’re talkin’ about Vancouver. It doesn’t get any more beautiful than this – and you’re lucky, because most of the time it’s rainin’ – 99 percent of the time! Hey – you remember a dude from “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”, he goes by the name of Pierre Bernard.
(Clip from Pierre Bernard’s Recliner of Rage)
BERNARD: There’s this show on the SciFi network called “Stargate: SG-1” – probably the best sci-fi show since “Star Trek”. ... Bottom line, America: “Stargate: SG-1” is way better without Doctor Daniel Jackson.
FRANCKS: He’s gonna be on set with us askin’ all sorts of questions. Who knows what he’ll ask us, but you’re gonna see, right here on the Lowdown, takin’ you Behind the Gate.

Pierre arrives at the gate of Bridge Studios.
SECURITY MAN: Good afternoon.
BERNARD: Hi. How you doin’?
SECURITY MAN: Alright. What can I do for you?
BERNARD: Yeah, my name is Pierre Bernard. I’m here to do some interviews for “Stargate”.
SECURITY MAN: Oh, you are?
BERNARD: Yeah.
SECURITY MAN: Who are you supposed to see?
BERNARD: I’m gonna see all the cast members. I’m doing interviews for “Stargate: Behind the Scenes – Secrets Revealed.”
SECURITY MAN: Yeah? I don’t have your name here at the gate.
BERNARD: Uh, maybe ...
SECURITY MAN: Who are you supposed to see?
BERNARD: Uh, I’m gonna see Richard Dean Anderson, Amanda Tapping, Chris Judge ...
SECURITY MAN: D’you know who’s clearing you to come on the lot?
BERNARD: Not really. I just assumed they were gonna let me on in.
SECURITY MAN: OK. Can you just hold on a minute, please?
BERNARD: Sure, sure. (The security man goes into the gatehouse as Pierre turns to the camera.) This is gonna be great!

DESERT LOCATION. Richard Dean Anderson is cycling toward the camera.
ANDERSON: Sometimes I feel like Margaret Hamilton. “The Wizard of Oz”, the wicked witch, remember?
MICHAEL GREENBURG [Executive Producer – SG-1]: Here’s a secret about Richard Dean Anderson: he was a mime artist.
ANDERSON: I insisted on talking. I was the talking mime, which is, you know, the cardinal sin of miming! It was too hard to communicate just ... (he mimes pushing his hands against an invisible wall in front of him). “There’s a wall here!” you know, and doing that kind of thing: (he mimes pulling a rope) “I’m pulling a rope!” (He opens his hands wider as he continues pulling.) “Now it’s a big rope!” It wasn’t a career. It was something I had to do to live. ... I worked for a magician who did a kind of a little roadshow that was sponsored by Burger King. That was always a nightmare cos you would have to don this massive moulded burger head and your arms would be down like this (he demonstrates not being able to move his arms much) and you couldn’t see anything – there was a mesh that would get clogged with leaves and bugs and drool ... anyway.

Pierre has finally been allowed through the gate and is walking through the sets. He greets some of the crew.
BERNARD: Hey, you guys. I’m back!
CREW MEMBER: Hi!
BERNARD: Thanks. You haven’t seen Amanda by any chance, have you?
CREW MEMBER: She’s on the set.
BERNARD: Oh! Great, great. (He heads toward the set.)

FLANIGAN: What could they get to ... well, I’m assuming ... (his cellphone vibrates) I’ve got a phonecall. (He takes the phone out of his pocket and looks at it.) It says “No caller ID”. Shall I answer that?
CAMERAMAN: Yeah.
FLANIGAN: OK. (He puts on an earpiece.) Hello? Hello? Oh, hi, sweetie! ... I’m good, how are you? ... Um, but guess what? I’m in the middle of an on-camera interview ... (To the cameraman) I still have to listen to her! (Into the phone) Yes, but I have to call you back about those appointments. ... No, because I have to call you back, cos I’m literally on air having an interview! Bye! (He hangs up.) So, Secrets Revealed – you just got a secret that was revealed!
CAMERAMAN: You’re not single and available.
FLANIGAN: Yeah – well, don’t tell my wife.

FRANCKS: Joe Flanigan reads the New York Times constantly, at all times in between scenes. And if you look closely, if there was a false edit, you’d see it in the back of his pants! At all times – that’s really strange.
(SECRET REVEALED: Joe Flanigan is addicted to the New York Times.)
FLANIGAN: Well, two papers: the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. I read both of them each day. Um, well, if I drink coffee and read the New York Times, I am so agitated by the time I’m finished with both of them that I’m actually awake.

JUDGE: I think Teal’c is really enjoying assimilating into the Earth dating scene and I think he’s getting more attuned to the game. Last I heard, he was just out buying some spinners for his truck, so I think he’s fitting right in now.

ROBERT C COOPER [Executive Producer/Co-Creator Atlantis]: There’s been a progression of Teal’c becoming more and more, you know, human. Basically the idea was that a lot of the things he’s been doing were related to rituals that were Jaffa rituals – and the farther away he gets from believing in those doctrines, the less he feels compelled to adhere to them.

David Hewlett is standing with Paul McGillion.
HEWLETT: One of the big secrets about “Atlantis” is the fact that our friend Doctor Beckett is not Scottish.
McGILLION: Actually, I am Scottish, David.
HEWLETT: He’s not Scottish – he’s Irish.
McGILLION: Uh, I’m not Irish. Conan’s Irish – lovely, handsome man, by the way, as David mentioned earlier.
HEWLETT: Conan the Barbarian.
McGILLION: Conan! Coney!
HEWLETT: Now do it without the accent.
(SECRET REVEALED: Paul doesn’t have a Scottish accent because he’s Canadian.)
HEWLETT: Watch this: on.
McGILLION (in his normal Canadian accent): Off. (Back in his Scottish accent) Well, actually, the rest of cast, they’re ...
HEWLETT: Yeah, they’re pretty nice, actually.
McGILLION: Actually, they’re very nice, very nice – except for yourself.
HEWLETT: I think he’s doing some great work, you know. For a guy who’s not done a lot of, uh, clothed acting roles ...
McGILLION: Yes!
HEWLETT: ... I think he’s done some great ...
McGILLION: Aye. It’s time for another Scot in the sky.
HEWLETT: Yeah. “A Scot in the sky”! (He giggles.) That’s very good – “a Scot in the sky”!
McGILLION: Thank you very much.

TAPPING: Well, if I told you, then they wouldn’t be secrets. So, OK, um ... there’s a death, there’s a, uh, a kiss ...

DESERT LOCATION. Peter DeLuise is shouting at a couple of Jaffa.
DeLUISE: Touch each other in the forbidden way! In the forbidden way! They’re touching, and kissing, and cut. Good!

TAPPING: ... there’s a major discovery ...

OLD CITY SET. Michael Shanks is standing with Dan Shea. Michael is pointing to part of the set.
SHANKS: I see that they’ve lined the corners, the edges, with dirt – that’s important too.

TAPPING: Sometimes we get tightly reined in because we mess about a bit too much – we laugh too much or ... you know, especially if we have a big shooting day and we can’t stop laughing – then they get nervous. For the most part everyone has a great time and we all laugh together but every once in a while – it’s “OK, we’ve got eleven pages to shoot, chill out!”

(SECRET REVEALED: It’s long days and hard work making a one hour Sci Fi show.)
FRANCKS: I have to tell you, going into the latter half of the season, I’m just exhausted all the time, and that’s something that I have to get used to. There’s such long hours and for such a long period of time. I’m not used to working like that. On one side it’s given me a place to live that isn’t with my parents – and being the youngest guy, it’s kind of cool for me and given me a whole new life experience that way.

SHANKS: Wow – secrets that Daniel Jackson has. He’s a cross-dresser. Secretly, what’s happening is there’s an episode where Teal’c comes over to visit him and, um, Daniel’s impersonating Ethel Merman.

RACHEL LUTTRELL: As of late, people have been making a lot of fun of the Athosians on set, and I’m not happy about that! Calling us “dirty little people”, so we’re cleaning them up. We’re cleaning them up, because we are a proud people.

TORRI HIGGINSON: She [Doctor Weir] adapted to the whole military aspect of it much more than I thought she would and I think that had to do with, just, necessity. Once you’re faced with the evil Wraith, there isn’t really a way to be hippy and peace-loving about it, so that’s kind of stopped her in her tracks a bit, and had to re-think a lot of her ideals and, uh, hopes and dreams and plans and all that stuff.

Pierre has been waiting on set for Amanda and now has a chance to get her attention.
BERNARD: Amanda, I’m back.
TAPPING: Oh, no, he’s back! (She grins and the pair of them hug.)
BERNARD: I miss you so much.
TAPPING: I miss you so much! Why is New York so far away?! (She pretends to sob.)
(A little later, Pierre is talking to the camera.)
BERNARD: That was it! I’m tellin’ you, this is gonna be great – fantastic!

David Hewlett is sitting in the window frame of a Puddlejumper (with the windscreen removed.)
HEWLETT: There’s one big difference between the Gate on “Stargate: SG-1” and “Atlantis”, and that is that “Stargate: SG-1”’s Gate ...
(Clip from “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”. Pierre is at the SGC Gate and is tapping it.)
BERNARD: Hey, wait a minute! This is plastic!
HEWLETT: Atlantis’ Stargate ...
(On the “Atlantis” set, Martin Wood taps the Gate.)
MARTIN WOOD [Director/Co-Producer Atlantis]: Rubber. And this is the other fun thing about it: look up there. (He gets hold of the Gate and starts to wobble it back and forth.) It’s a wiggly Stargate!
HEWLETT: Fascinating facts that I know you’re ... (he accidentally pulls off a piece of the Jumper) ... Just a sec ... I should put this back ... (He is now standing on the window frame with his backside poking into the camera) because they’re gonna need to ... (He’s trying to get the piece back in place but even more of the control panel breaks off.) Uh-oh. (He looks underneath the broken-off piece and finds something interesting.) Ooh, gum! (He continues trying to fix the ship.) What I need is a stick or something.

ATLANTIS SET. Martin Wood is working with the MALP.
WOOD: This is the MALP. Nobody’s really sure what it stands for, except we think it stands for “Mobile All-terrain Laboratory Platform”, although we made it up so it doesn’t really matter. It costs 85 thousand dollars. (He activates the remote control and the MALP moves very jerkily across the set.) It’s not so much “all-terrain” as “no-terrain” vehicle, so it should actually be called a “MNaLP”, OK?

DESERT LOCATION. Peter DeLuise is whooping like a Red Indian. Extras, dressed like Abydonians (although they’re probably ancient Egyptians from “Moebius”), are standing at the top of a sand dune doing the same thing.
JUDGE: We have extras on the shows. It’s really lovely, you know. They’re treated top-notch: it’s raining, they’re provided cover; they’re hungry, they’re provided sustenance; if it’s hot, they are provided shade.
(SECRET REVEALED: The fun filled life of a Stargate extra.)
DeLUISE (to the extras): Who wants to be a screamer? (Some of the extras raise their hands.) You – you volunteered. I’ll give you five bucks if you give me a good scream. C’mere, c’mere. (The woman comes forward and screams very high-pitched. Then a man comes forward and screams, again very high-pitched.) Like a girl! That’s good! (Another woman tries – her scream isn’t very good. The extras laugh, as does the woman herself, and Peter gives her a hug.)

FINN MICHAEL [Stargate Stand-In]: Hi, I’m Finn Michael. I stand in for Richard Dean Anderson on the show. A lot of people don’t know what a stand-in does. On this show we do pretty well everything. (Various shots of Finn working with the rest of the cast on set.) Half the time, first thing in the morning he’s not there yet, so I’m doing the blocking, doing his dialogue. I don’t get any fan letters cos they don’t know about me out there, but now they will, I hope! I’m hoping to get out to some of these Gatecons – I know that they’d love to meet me.

Pierre Bernard is sitting in the pilot’s seat of a Puddlejumper and has found something on the floor.
BERNARD: Oh, check this out! His script – with his gum on it, (there’s a piece of chewed gum stuck on the script) and his lines are actually highlighted. (He reads a line from the script.) “No speaka Jaffa.”
(Shot from the filming of that particular scene – presumably from “Moebius”: Sam and Jack are in the Puddlejumper (the Ancient ship seen in “It’s Good to be King”) and two Jaffa are standing outside aiming staff weapons at them.)
JAFFA: Shak’na kree!
O'NEILL: No habla Jaffa! [He pronounces “Jaffa” as if he’s speaking Spanish, i.e. “Haffa”.]

FINN MICHAEL: One of the other secrets of working on “Stargate” is there’s a lot of waiting around. I’ve been on the show for six years. I’m only 27 years old! (He points to his face.) I mean, check it out!

PUDDLEJUMPER. Peter DeLuise and various crewmembers are sitting around inside.
DeLUISE: If it takes seven days to shoot an episode, six and a half days of that is just sitting around waiting for lighting to be done.
RICK DEAN [Head Lighting Technician]: I beg to differ with that, being in charge of lighting. We wait more time for these guys to decide what they want lit and how they’re gonna shoot it than it takes to light it by far!
(Various members of the crew giggle.)
DeLUISE: That is so not the case!
(Everyone laughs.)
JIM MENARD [Director of Photography]: Let’s settle this right now – what are we waiting for?!
RICK DEAN: By the way, lighting’s ready!
(Peter pokes his tongue out at him.)

Continued in next message.

Continued.

ANDERSON: I’ve wonderful relationships, working and social, with Martin Wood. Peter DeLuise has a phenomenal sense of humour and he understands from an actor’s perspective of the process, but still is a very fine technician.
(Peter is staring at the camera looking like he’s about to explode. Finally he bursts out with ...)
DeLUISE: Mommy!

On one of the sound stages:
MARTIN WOOD: OK, sci-fi fans, here’s a big Secret Revealed ...
(SECRET REVEALED: This massive sound stage is used for both Stargate and Atlantis.)
WOOD: ... the set that I’m standing in right now was built for almost two million dollars and it’s solid steel, it’s engineered steel, it’s a huge thing. There’s sixty to seven thousand dollars’ worth of lights in here. What I’m gonna do right now is I’m gonna walk you through the set and show you how many times in a single show I can use any room any number of times whatever’s happening. So, this area in here – you may note it’s from the season opener [ “New Order” from “SG-1” – we see a clip from on board Thor’s ship]. There’s Thor’s console right down there – throw it in the middle of this thing and you’ve got a huge Asgard ship. (He moves into a cage structure.) This is where we put the Wraith when I keep him in Atlantis. A Wraith in Atlantis, you might ask? (He moves to another area.) Now, the show you’re about to see called “The Eye” – the beginning of this season [he actually means the beginning of the second half of the season] – this is completely flooded, this area here and there’s so much water dumping on them [the cast] because there’s a hurricane happening right out there. Hard to believe because that FedEx truck would be, like, in the middle of the ocean somewhere. But there’s a big greenscreen that we pull across that thing and that’s how we make ‘outdoors’.

FRANCKS: It’s no secret – but it may be to you – but you’re gonna see with the eye that both “Stargate: SG-1” and “Stargate: Atlantis” are doin’ some of the very best visual effects on TV you’ll ever see – guaranteed.
(SECRET REVEALED: The magic of Visual Effects.)
MICHELLE COMENS [Visual Effects Producer – SG-1/Atlantis]: The biggest secret is that all of our visual effects are actually done in this crappy, crappy building! (She gestures to the building and giggles.) We’ve been in there for eight years with the City of Vancouver just about condemning it. Average age of a lot of the [visual effects] artists that we have really varies – but to be honest a lot of them are quite young – a lot of the guys, they may be, like – one of them’s 19, a couple of them are 21, they’re living at home with their mothers. Without these guys, I’d be out of work, that’s for sure, so it’s fantastic; it’s lucky for us.
(Shots of some of the special effects from “The Eye”)
BRUCE WOLOSHYN [Visual Effects Artist – Rainmaker Studios]: These are all finished shots for a new episode of “Stargate: Atlantis” called “The Eye” and this stuff all had to do with this big hurricane that’s sweeping across the ocean towards the city and it’s finally reached us.
BRAD WRIGHT [Executive Producer/Co-Creator Atlantis]: The vis effects for “The Eye” I don’t think have honestly ever been done on television before. Just features have done it – “Day After Tomorrow” level visual effects.
WOLOSHYN: We treat “Stargate: Atlantis” like a feature as best we can for an episodic television series, so, you know, the model of the city when we first built it was over four million polygons. Well, that’s feature film size, you know – that has enough detail that we can back up and the city looks really nice but, if we had to, we could get right up beside the buildings and there’s still the amount of detail. And most of that’s model, not texture, so if you turn around the city you can actually see all the detail moving.

A room in Rainmaker Studios. A couple of the walls have a huge frieze of old CDs stuck on them, and many computer mice are hanging by their cables from the ceiling.
(SECRET REVEALED: Expensive Visual Effects software has many other uses.)
WOLOSHYN: This is all software. Every time we buy something to install on a computer, it usually comes on CD. Some of these CDs, when we got them, you know, this would have been cutting-edge stuff when it arrives in the mail or by courier, so some of these discs were in the hundred thousand dollar range when they came – and now they’re coasters! But we like to collect coasters, so we have a coaster display.

FRANCKS: What’s up, y’all? One of the best things about both “Stargate: SG-1” and “Stargate: Atlantis” is that you, the fans, always have a chance to win a part on the show. I ran into a dude from Smalltown, Wisconsin and he was like, “I’m in this next scene!” I was like, “What?!” He was!

DESERT LOCATION.
NATHAN FLAMINIO [Get in the Gate Contest Winner]: I’m Nathan Flaminio, I’m from [somewhere], Wisconsin and I won the Get in the Gate contest and here we are on the set of “Stargate: SG-1”.
TAPPING: I got to meet him and he was very sweet. Blond, and very fair, playing an Egyptian, so ... that’s the magic of television!
FLAMINIO: I played a villager – a screaming villager! (He imitates the scream he did for filming.) The costume that they originally had me in, I was running up the hill over there and stepped on it and it ripped right off of me!

HEWLETT: Now, we have actually got, live from the web, questions from you to us. This is the must-know stuff.
JUDGE: So the first question off the internet: “Is Christopher ...” (He tails off, reading the rest of the question.) “Is Christopher Judge really white?”!
FLANIGAN (in answer to another question – perhaps the one he read out earlier in the show: “If Ancients have no body, how could the Wraith hurt them?”): Too long to go into right now, but nonetheless, fascinating history.
TAPPING (trying to suppress a giggle as she reads out another question): “Where can I get Stargate bedding?”
SHANKS (in answer to another question, presumably): Bookstore. Video shop.
TAPPING: I don’t know!
HEWLETT: “How did the Ancients set up the Gates with just Jumpers?” Haven’t a clue.
FLANIGAN: I have no idea!
SHANKS: “What does ‘NID’ stand for?” (He thinks about it and then comes up with an answer.) Nid.
TAPPING: “Carter is hot!” (She gasps and holds the page up to the camera.) Zoom in on that – “Carter is hot!”
SHANKS: “Where did Major Davis go in Season 7?” To his trailer.
FLANIGAN: “When are we going to hear Teyla sing?”
HEWLETT: When hell freezes over!
FLANIGAN: I’m hoping it’s the tenth, eleventh season or something.
SHANKS: “I saw Daniel reunite with Sarah. Am I behind?” (He looks behind himself.) No.
HEWLETT: “Can we make David Hewlett’s role less annoying?” Not while David Hewlett’s playing it, I don’t think.
SHANKS: “How was Anubis defeated?” (He throws a mysterious look at the camera.) Was he?!
TAPPING: “When will Jack and Sam kiss?”
HIGGINSON: I think she [Weir] might have a bit of a thing for McKay. I don’t know. Something about his belly.
FLANIGAN: It’s a prickly relationship that has romantic possibilities, let’s put it that way.
ANDERSON: Possibly they [Jack and Sam] ... might ... actually end up together – and then there’s a surprise twist. (He grins and congratulates himself for winding the fans up.) Nice job, Rick!
JUDGE: “Stargate action figures – would you buy them?” My action figure is just gonna be the Shaquille O’Neill action figure that they paint a little gold symbol on.
HEWLETT (to Joe Flanigan): But I think the key to being less annoying is if you were more annoying, then I would seem less annoying. Now, I’ve talked to Rainbow and to Rachel about this and I haven’t actually got around to you yet ...
FLANIGAN: Alright.
HEWLETT: ... cos you’re so busy. (His sarcastic look to camera suggests that Joe has been anything but busy!)

Pierre Bernard is sitting in the SGC Gateroom.
BERNARD: Hey, Michael, I really appreciate you sitting down with me and agreeing to this interview. I know after the thing that occurred with “Conan” with your part being cut out, that I thought maybe there was a little, you know, problems there.
SHANKS: It’s one thing to go on national TV and diss on the character, and even though I blew you away in that sequence we shot, somehow it just ended up with your face being on that screen, and somehow I was cut out of the entire thing. I mean, can you explain that?
(Flashback to the sequence shown on “Conan” where Pierre, dressed as SGC technician Sergeant O’Brien, is standing in the corridor.)
O’BRIEN: Doctor Jackson?
(From offscreen, Daniel opens fire on him with a machine gun. Explosions go off all over O’Brien’s suit depicting the bullets impacting, then he totters and falls to the ground.)
SHANKS: Is there a time limit to this ... (We realise that Michael is sitting a long way away from Pierre – they’re on opposite sides of the ramp.) ... or anything? No? Yeah?
BERNARD: Why – are you bored already?!
SHANKS: No, I’m not bored – I’m just, you know ... bored.
BERNARD: What, my questions aren’t good enough for you?!
SHANKS: They’re fine - they’re really, they’re really good. You’ve done a lot of research.
BERNARD: Please don’t mess with me – you know I have Conan’s ear. I can easily get back on “Conan” and work on you some more!
(Michael laughs silently.)

Pierre is standing on set with Amanda.
BERNARD: I guess there’s one thing I really wanna ... I don’t really wanna know but I guess I should ask: how’s Pete?
TAPPING: Stay tuned.
NATHAN FLAMINIO: I think Samantha Carter’s very hot!
BERNARD (to Amanda): I’ve noticed several episodes where you and Chris seem to have somethin’ goin’ on. It’s weird: I don’t know how to explain it but they would bring the camera on the two of you and it almost seems like a private joke has occurred.
TAPPING: I’m thrilled you’re getting that.
BERNARD: What’s going on there? Does RDA have something to worry about?
TAPPING: I think if he doesn’t step up to the plate and start acting like a real man, then maybe he does have something to worry about – that’s all I’m gonna say.
BERNARD: How come there isn’t a Carter doll?
TAPPING: From your lips to the god of merchandising’s ears, my friend!
BERNARD: I mean, I’m waiting for that! That’s the one doll I would actually buy.

On the Atlantis set with Joe Flanigan.
BERNARD: Joe, I have some questions that I wanted to ask you. Here they go: who will Sheppard hook up with – Teyla or Doctor Weir?
FLANIGAN: That’s a serious question! That is so serious that I can’t answer it.
BERNARD: What other kind of genetic surprises does Sheppard possess besides his Ancient genes?
FLANIGAN: Now that might be ... that might be for another network to talk about, because ... (he clears his throat).
BERNARD: OK. Who’s the bigger distraction on the set – David Hewlett or Rainbow Francks?
FLANIGAN: That is really tough – they are head to head, competing every day for ...
FRANCKS: Hey, Joe, look at me! (He goes into a mad dance routine before starting to run off the set.)
FLANIGAN: See, I told ya!
FRANCKS: Gotta go! (He disappears. Joe turns to the camera and rolls his eyes.)
FLANIGAN: Yeah!

On an SG-1 set with Richard Dean Anderson.
BERNARD: Why haven’t they written in more women relationships for your character?
ANDERSON: It hasn’t been really warranted. We have an episode that we just finished last week where O’Neill gets, kinda, caught in bed, so we do know that he’s, you know, has a penchant for that kind of activity. It was, kind of, one of those passing things – he’s actually sleeping with a CIA agent.
BERNARD: These girls wanted to know: is it possible you would ever consider making a life-size replica of yourself that would be available for the ... Anatomically correct, as well. (He laughs.) I’m sorry – I have to ask.
ANDERSON: You didn’t – no-one asked you to ask that! That’s coming out of your own little head!
BERNARD: It’s not coming out of my head!
ANDERSON: You’re sick!

(SECRET REVEALED: The women of Stargate.)
Pierre and Rachel Luttrell are sitting squeezed together in the open doorway of a trailer. She giggles.
BERNARD: Hi, Rachel.
LUTTRELL: Hello.
BERNARD: How are you?
LUTTRELL: I’m good! We’re kind of snuggly, though, aren’t we?
BERNARD: I know! Do you know you’re stunning?
LUTTRELL: Bless your heart.
BERNARD: I mean, it’s, my God!
(Rachel looks away and giggles.)
BERNARD: I got a serious question.
LUTTRELL: OK, yes.
BERNARD: How do you guys go to the bathroom on Atlantis?
LUTTRELL: Umm ...
BERNARD: I’m curious.
LUTTRELL: Well, Teyla made sure that the room that she got had its own ensuite.
BERNARD: I didn’t ask that myself – someone told me to ask that question.
LUTTRELL: They wanted to know about the toilets? (She looks into the camera.) Who the hell wanted to know about that?! What is your name?!

On the Atlantis set with Rainbow Francks.
BERNARD: Actually, I’m kind of into the Wraith women.
FRANCKS: The Marilyn Mansons?!
BERNARD: Yeah. I don’t know, something about ‘em ...
(Rainbow looks into the camera in horror.)

LUTTRELL: I hear that you have a thing for the Wraith female.
BERNARD: Yes, I do.
LUTTRELL: You think they’re kinda sexy. What is that about?!
BERNARD: I think ...
LUTTRELL: What is that about?!
BERNARD: I just think the Wraith women – and particularly the Keeper – there’s something hot about her.
LUTTRELL: Ooh! OK.
BERNARD: I think they’re hot.
LUTTRELL: You’re kinky!
BERNARD: Yeah! Yeah. ... You like that in your guys?
(Rachel laughs, then straightens her face and looks into the camera.)
LUTTRELL: No comment! (She and Pierre both laugh.)

On the Atlantis set with Torri Higginson.
BERNARD: Will Doctor Weir ever fight Teyla for Sheppard’s love? I’m beginning to sense something going on there. The looks that he gives.
HIGGINSON: Yeah. No, we’ve had a few bouts already, actually, and she’s a fighter, so she wins. So if it came down to that, it came down to a real one on one, umm ...
BERNARD: Are you tellin’ me you can’t kick her butt?
HIGGINSON: I think we would have to revert to really dirty tricks. But she likes Teyla – I mean, they actually like each other, so it’d be a hard thing. Maybe they’ll go off and ... oh, no, another show yet.
BERNARD: Ooh!

FRANCKS: What’s up, y’all? Not only will the down ... ohhh, you stupid Rainbow! God, this makes me feel like I’m VJing again! Oh! (He adopts a really dopey voice.) Not only will The Lowdown give you behind Gates, you will also see ... other stuff.

Pierre is walking down a street at night.
BERNARD: I thought tonight I would take a couple of the cast members from “SG-1” out for dinner. (At the restaurant.) They had a nice room reserved for us to eat in. It’s down here, downstairs in the cellar and here it is. (He walks into a small, very low-ceilinged room with a table set in the middle. All around the walls are racks and racks of wine.) It’s the wine cellar in the restaurant. They put together this nice little cosy table for us and there’ll be the three of us eating tonight. We’re surrounded by some vintage wine, and it’s quite possible we’ll drink everything in this room tonight.

(SECRET REVEALED: It’s thirty minutes later ...)
(Pierre is sitting at the table – still alone.)
(Later, Chris Judge has arrived, and has brought a familiar face with him.)
JUDGE (to the camera): This is Jay Acovone, for those of you who don’t know.
JAY ACOVONE: Hey, how’s it going?
JUDGE: Now, did you make Colonel, or are you still Major Kawalski? Or does it depend on which dimension we’re in?
ACOVONE: I believe it doesn’t matter. I think I’m Major – I’m Major Kawalski – Major Charlie Kawalski.
BERNARD: OK, you guys drink whatever you want – it’s on the company.
(Chris and Jay’s eyes light up.)
ACOVONE: Oh, is that right?!
JUDGE (to the wine waiter): What years of Cristal do you have?!
ACOVONE: Oh, no!
(Michael Shanks arrives and ducks under the low door lintel.)
BERNARD: Come on in!
SHANKS: You got a height restriction in this room? I see you guys got the VIP suite!
JUDGE: Gulliver’ll be here in a minute.
SHANKS: They saw two black guys come in and said, “No, no – downstairs”!
(Everyone laughs.)

Later.
ACOVONE: Who was your favourite guest star – male or female, doesn’t matter. Yeah, favourite guest star – eight years, how many episodes? Two hundred episodes or whatever the hell it was – who ...?
JUDGE: Well, I think you know who our favourite guest stars are, cos they’re the ones we still keep in touch with.
(SECRET REVEALED: This tables favorite co-star is obviously Jay Acovone.)
ACOVONE: All right!

Later. Rainbow Francks has just arrived.
SHANKS: Hey!
FRANCKS: What’s goin’ on?
ACOVONE: There he is.
JUDGE: Woah – pan to this! (The camera swings round to see Rainbow in the doorway.)
FRANCKS: Hi!
JUDGE: Wait, wait – (to the camera) Get the bling. (He holds up his watch to the camera as he speaks to Rainbow.) What time is it? What time is it?!
FRANCKS: It’s only twenty to ten!
JUDGE: Wow – twenty to ten, and Rainbow just showed up!
FRANCKS: I was out for dinner.
JUDGE: What d’you mean, you were out for dinner?
FRANCKS: I didn’t know this was going on, I didn’t have my phone.

Later.
JUDGE: I think we’ve said it numerous times. “When is the series going to be over?” is a question that we’re asked a lot, or “Are you gonna have another year?” I think it will truly end when we’re not having fun any more and when the writers run out of ideas, and that clearly hasn’t happened – that definitely hasn’t happened.
BERNARD: Do you think when the series does end, you guys will continue to work on projects together?
JUDGE: Oh God, oh hell, no! I don’t even like these people! (He laughs raucously.)

(SECRET REVEALED: Rainbow Franck’s kickin’ crib.)
(We’re in Rainbow’s kitchen.)
FRANCKS: Welcome to my crib. (The camera pans round to show the living room.) There’s not a lot of it – if you’re expecting me to be living like 50 Cent, you’re wrong. I’m living like 25 cents! But it’s OK.
(He has many photographs attached to his fridge with magnets.)
FRANCKS: But let’s go right to this – (he takes a photograph off the fridge) this is the pride and joy of the fridge photography. (He looks at the photo without showing it to us yet.) This is what every “Stargate” fan wants, and every “MacGuyver” fan loves. Oh yeah! (He shows us the photo – it’s of Richard Dean Anderson from his MacGuyver days. Richard has written on it, “Bow, my boy! Peace!” and has signed it.) Look at that outfit, look at that hair! Ricky D! Ah yeah! Good times! (He puts the photo back onto the fridge.) I’m on international television now, and people all over the world know me, and I’m livin’ it up. So when I got this place, the number one thing I was lookin’ forward to was this view. (We see out of the window – there’s not much of a view at all.) Look at that – look at that view!

(SECRET REVEALED: The glamorous life of a lead actress.)
TAPPING: OK, well, you get up at four thirty, five o’clock in the morning. If you’re lucky, you get, like, a half hour workout at home and then you come to work. I’m here at six, and here in make-up, and on set at seven for rehearsal. Shoot til one, have a half hour for lunch, and then shoot til seven thirty, eight o’clock. Then I go home and I do homework for an hour, learning the next day’s lines. And then I go to bed, and then I get up at four thirty, five o’clock the next ... and that’s how glamorous it is.

THE STUDIO LOT. Joe Flanigan has his skateboard.
FLANIGAN: Give me the camera. Are you afraid to give me the camera? Is it too expensive to ride on my skateboard? I’ll hold the camera!
CAMERAMAN: Here – take it. (He hands it over to Joe.)
FLANIGAN (to the guy with the boom mike): How fast are you? (He films downwards onto the skateboard, flexing his leg into view.) This is Joe’s leg. Let’s go. We’ll go slow. (He skates off across the lot, filming as he goes. We see his silhouette on the tarmac, followed by the silhouette of the sound guy running behind with the boom mike.) So what we wanna do is get the feel of what it’s like to be on a board, right? Here we go. (He takes the camera off his shoulder and holds it down nearer to the ground.) Yeah, c’mon! (He speeds up.) Faster! Woo! Woo! (He stops, tilts the camera up and looks into the lens.) That’s what it’s like to skate on my board.

ATLANTIS SET. David Hewlett comes out of the set again.
HEWLETT: Oh, hi! You’re also gonna see things like what’s gonna happen next on “Stargate: Atlantis”; what’s gonna happen on “SG-1”. Who’s friends with who? Who are our new enemies? Who are our new family members and ... (he looks off camera) who put that there? (He walks away.)

(SECRET REVEALED: What’s happening on SG1 and Atlantis for the rest of the season.)
BRAD WRIGHT: I will say this: that I recommended that Robert and I get bodyguards for the airing of some episodes. There’s going to be some fans who will be elated, and others who will be equally upset.
ROBERT C COOPER: We’re doing some things that are heavily character-based, that are ... sort of lightning rod issues for many fans online. They seem to have very strong, polarised viewpoints on how they wanna see these things resolved or, for that matter, really don’t wanna see them resolved in any way.

ANDERSON: This is the type of job that could go on forever. We’ve got another order for a ninth season. I’ve always said that we would only be limited by our imaginations, and we have such an imaginative, creative force.

SHANKS: We’re doing an episode called “Threads”. I was kinda buggin’ the guys to answer a question about Daniel’s ascension, when he left and died and went off to (he gestures skywards) wherever he went off to that we never knew, and I never knew. And in an episode called “Threads” we address the issue of what kind of happened to him and what decisions were made, who he met along the way and what changed his mind and brought him back to join the team on Earth in this reality.

Chris runs into the SGC Control Room and runs over to a couple of members of the crew.
JUDGE: There are some die-hards who prefer me bald! (He gestures at someone, who waves sheepishly at the camera.)

COOPER: We continue to be excited by it and enjoy it, and I get excited about seeing the dailies for an episode I’ve written or been involved with, or we sit down and watch an episode when it’s finally coming together with the music and the visual effects. If we all go, “Wow, that was pretty good!” that’s the best we can do.

FLANIGAN: The scripts are going extremely well and I have actually made a number of suggestions, most of which have been completely ignored. That’s a step above where I was last year, which was, uh, not making any suggestions.

LUTTRELL: Joe and I are both Capricorns. Apparently we should not get together. Capricorns are not good, apparently, in relationships. Oh, well, Teyla’s not Capricorn! Oh, no, don’t you worry! Teyla is not a Capricorn.

HIGGINSON: There’s been a few speeches that were written, in both “The Storm” and “The Eye” where she [Weir]’s basically giving these speeches to the people saying, “Be prepared to die,” and “We’re gonna fight until the last minute,” and that’s something she would never have thought of saying eight months ago.

David Hewlett and Rainbow Francks are sitting on the end of the ramp in the SGC Gateroom.
HEWLETT: We felt somehow this was appropriate – this is where it all started and, um ...
FRANCKS: Well, you had something to do with this.
HEWLETT: ... and we’re single-handedly gonna kill it, so ... (Rainbow giggles) that’s why we’re here, really. It’s like a full circle of life. There’s the beginning, and we’re the end.
FRANCKS: Of the circle.
HEWLETT: Of the circle!
FRANCKS: Exactly!
HEWLETT: We end the circle.

ANDERSON: If you’re asking me something about the content and the storyline, the arc of this franchise, you’re asking the wrong guy. I’m not quite sure what I have to do in this next scene! Oh no – I have to kiss Amanda, that’s what I ... I have to kiss Amanda!