(Title sequence begins. Queen's "We Are The Champions" begins to play. It is the only thing heard as the sequence progresses, until the end. As the first song starts, an beautiful orbital view of Earth, ala "Enterprise", appears)

I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime

(The shot changes to the Beta 5 black hole, rotating serenely)

And bad mistakes
I've made a few

(The Spidermobile II, trailing a plume of flame, smashes into Central Park)

I've had my share of sand
Kicked in my face
But I've come through

(Space. As the music swells, the Spidermobile III zooms out of the depths of space and warps past the camera in the blink of an eye, the camera tracking quickly to follow it)

And we mean to go on and on and on and on

(The members of the League walk abreast toward the camera in slow-motion, just as in "The Right Stuff" or "Mystery Men")

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting
Till the end

(The camera closes in on each of their faces in sucession)

We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the World

(The shot changes to the League, standing on the stage at Superhero convention, smiling and bowing)

I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls

(Tacoman on the talk show, his book, and the victory party on Terra in the 64th century)

You brought me fame and fortune
And everything that goes with it
I thank you all

(Taconator grinning evilly)

But it's been no bed of roses

(Negative working on his machine, looking up and scowling)

No pleasure cruise

(Darth Viper summoning evil powers)

I consider it a challenge before
The whole human race

(The Muffin Men attacking the League)

And I ain't gonna lose

(The Spidermobile blasting the X-CwX Matrix Core)

And we mean to go on and on and on and on

(As the chorus continues, shots of Quantum Man jumping into the portal to escape Hela, Milkshake firing his plasma rifle, Rikard disarming an enemy with his lightsaber, Tacquitoboy sliding down a Nevermoon snow-covered hillside, the Sorceror blasting Radagast with magical energy, Tacoman racing down a hallway with Butrfli, Ze French Knight launching a cow, RR's light armor appearing around himself, Insane pounding on the Tactical Console, Adon dueling with Dragmire, and Frangelica disappearing into the Q-rift)

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting
Till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the World

(The crew waving from the Spidermobile Rose Parade float)

We are the champions - my friends

(Kiehart making a "bring it on" gesture with one hand and holding his gun in the other)

And we'll keep on fighting

(Artsy and Ansh cracking up in laughter)

Till the end

(Furby and Alt-Furby piloting their timeship)

We are the champions

(Tacoman and Milkshake, disguised as bikers, roaring up on their motorcycles)

We are the champions

(A redshirt crawling backwards down a horizontal Jeffries Tube, and suddenly falling down an open hatch, on "losers")

No time for losers

(The entire League running in panic from a Talking Bomb)

'Cause we are the champions

(The Spidermobile's warp nacelles emerging and the ship jumping to warp, straight through an asteroid field, scattering the asteroids in all directions. The only sound effect is that of marbles scattering. Fade to black.)

Yes! I have my own body again! And believe me, if you had a body like this, you would never want to leave it!

*aside to the audience* All right, maybe not quite up to the standard of Hamburger Pattie, but I'm getting there...

Hey, where's Quantum Man in the credits?

He's in the credits all right, but he doesn't seem to be in the title sequence...

He's in the stills behind the credits at the end.

Phew. Back in my old body, and yet, everything looks so fresh and new. What should we do now?

Tacoman blinks and begins touching various parts of his body
I'm back.. I'm me again! Thank goodness for that!
As for what we do now.. how about we visit Jacob McGruder and his friends? Thank them for their help and all that... see how they're doing...

Well, oddly enough, from the Dep. of Superheroics database, it says he and his friends have formed their own team, the Coalition of Incredibly Great Amazing Dudes, and are currently on a mission in the Delta Quadrant! Maybe we changed history in more ways than one!

I guess our influence was good on them. It isn't everyday one meets, and becomes posessed by, their heros. Who knows.. we may run into them one of these days...
Ok.. just before we left, somebody said that we would get rewarded... any idea of what the person meant, Steve?
Think we need vacation?

** Tacoman blinks and begins touching various parts of his body **

Ewwww! Did we really have to see that???

Well, you know what I mean... the face, the upper body, the arms... nothing right below the belt...

On Earth, in a suberanian science station, a man runs a diagnostic on his screen. While it's running he turns away to grab a sandwich. He doesn't notice the sudden appaerence and immediately following diapearnece of a quantum singularity.

All right! I made it from the beginning of LICC to now! Oh wait, our natural lifespan is only 3 years. (Grabs chest, falls over onto a large bridge spike. Then the ships self cleaning system disintergrates his still breathing body. His soul is reincarnated into another redshirt.)

First Redshirt death!!!

Ah, it's good to be back! I felt a little guilty about how roughly I treated Adam's body, so I left a time-release message on his computer. He should be getting it any time now.

As the words leave his mouth, the comm panel beeps, indicating an incoming message. It is postmarked for Commander Adon.

Ahh, there he is now. I'll take it in my quarters. I promised him an interview.

And with that, Adon left the bridge.

Well, this has been fun, but I have to get back. I was in the middle of a budget meeting when the universe ended, and while it was a relief to get away from their yammering, I should probably get back.

I should be going as well. Do you require transport back to Earth?

No. I'll just use this portable hole.

(he tosses the hole on the deck, when suddenly a redshirt appears out of nowhere and steps in the hole)

Redshirt: AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa.......!!!

(Mr. Absurd looks down the hole.)

Hey! That's a government business meeting! Get back up here!

(one of the three identical yellowshirted Ensigns walks up to Artsy-Fartsy)

I'm sorry to deliver bad news, but Ensign Qunicy Rnager was killed by an exploding spellchecker.

I believe he said that the two of you had a date tonight.

(suddenly in a burst of dramtic light, Hamburger Pattie appears on the bridge, flips over toward Tacoman, and splits into two, one of the Patties pushes Buterfli aside and says)

Back off sister. He's ours.

(and both Patties lay a big old kiss on Tacoman)

(dramatic music plays)

Pattie! My idol! My mentor! My role model! (and "model" is the word!)

Like my swimsuit?

Pattie? What are you doing here?

Butrfli: Not in this lifetime "sister". You had your chance, and you may have succeeded at one time, but not right now!
Butrfli begins chanting, and a large ball of pepper emerges from her hands, splits, and streaks towards both Hamburger Patties

Two Patties?????

That means there is one for each of us!

Exactly half a second later every incarnation of Hamburger Pattie has a lovesick Furby climbing her back.

Crow: Yeah, I'd like to order a Patty Melt Sandw-

Mike clamps Crow's beak shut

Crow: Mmmh! Mmf! Mmm!

Tom: At least they can borrow each other's clothes!

somewhat icily
Would you kittens mind taking this off the bridge? This is where real people hang out.

Hamburger Pattie versus Butfli... dear Lord, who *shall* I root for?

Tacoman steps in between the two combatents
Ladies, Ladies. May I offer a solution?
Pattie, I'm taken, but I happen to know that my clone is still avaliable. I can get you his dimentional coordinates so you can visit him.
Tacoman walks over to the interdimentional sensors and searches for his clone. Soon enough, the information appears and a hard copy is made. Tacoman walks back over to the Patties and hands it to them.
Right now, he's on a ship called the Archangel. Here's where they are at the moment.

Hey! How'd you get them to use your idea on the show!?

Artsy sighs. "Poor kid. I really should know better than to date redshirts...."

She goes off to find Quito, to make a memorial picture, and wait for their next adventure. When the door to her quarters swishes open, the little alien bounces towards her, radiating self-satisfaction. Artsy takes one look around the room and starts laughing. Every available space is covered in mural-sized smears that look like they are supposed to represent members of the LICC. Artsy scoops Quito up, still laughing, and then quickly dumps her back on the ground when wet paint starts soaking through her white tunic.

"I guess those 'lessons' paid off. Let's get you cleaned up, okay?"

What??? A one-shot redshirt dies and gets a fanclub, yet The Amazing Quantum Man doesn't even rate over Sorcerer (who is that, anyway?) in the opening sequence?

Where, oh where, is Bob Denver when we need him?

There.

And it's not supposed to display special scenes of EVERYONE, it's just highlights. I imagine the entire casts of TOS, TNG, DS9, VOY and ENT complained because they weren't shown during the title sequences...

A particularly powerful point since none of the Star Trek title credits showed any characters at all, but confined themselves to shots of the ship flying through space.

I don't think I care to watch the rest of this little drama. If you'll pardon me, I'm going to go below and see how my godchildren are doing.

Exactly. So Quantum Man may be upset since he seemed to be excluded, but I'm sure it wasn't intentional.

As for the Sorceror, see the Supervillain Convention storyline. LICC2 XX and XXI, if I recall correctly.

Some blue and gold shirts see Pattie and begin singing.

I said hello, Pattie,......well, hello, Pattie
It's so nice to have you back where you belong
You're lookin' swell, Pattie.......I can tell, Pattie
You're still glowin'...you're still crowin'...you're still goin' strong
I feel that room swayin'......while the band's playin'
One of your old favourite songs from way back when
So..... take her wrap, fellas.......find her an empty lap, fellas.

Lt.JG Lopez, interim commander of Banshee Squadron sets foot on the bridge. He salutes Captain Tacoman. "Welcome back aboard sir. I just wanted you to know that even with Commander Kiehart gone the squad is still ready for action whenever you need them sir."

Very good, Lt. Lopez. I'm sure that you'll perform at the same level that Kiehart did.
Tacoman turns to the Patties and Butrfli
And as for you three, Frangelica's right. If you're going to fight, do it somewhere else...like the holodeck or something...
Butrfli: Sorry, sir, but she was infringing on my territory, so to speak...
Tacoman: I understand, but there'll be no catfights on the bridge.

Kiehart's a commander? Or is that a title, not a rank?


And if you boys need it, I'm always available to put a few hundred hours into the cockpit.

Rikard leans back in his chair. How did he get stuck with the squadrons of redshirts and yellowshirts?

Lopez nods. "I'm sure Flight Commander Kiehart would appreciate that sir." He bows slightly to Tacoman and butrfli. "Captain, Ma'am, I'll be returning to the launch bay now."

Two Furbies, (they pull the Furbies off each other and nonchalantly toss them towards Butrfli) & lots of people I don't recognize. I guess this isn't 2999.

(to Enesku) Nice look kid, but don't cover yourself up so much. If you've got it, flaunt it.

A Crayolashirt Choir, I like it.

I know a Production Assistant on the show, Wannabe LICC Writer, and he owed me a favor.

burns the negatives

(On the Spidermobile, (the first, no bloody II's or III's))

Captain Frangelica, sensors show no reason why all the red, yellow & blueshirts vanished from the ship.

Also transmissions seem to indicate that it is the year 3001 instead of 2999.

We have detected the presence of another Spidermobile. Should we set course for it?

(The Timelords are talking to The Queue & Visitor #25)
As you know the LICC Universe was created on September 23rd, 7:00 PM EST, Earth. Then a past was created to match the memories of most of those who would be living there. Duplicates of all the people who wouldn't be moving from the Phantom Returns Universe were created.

However in order to fit in The Queue had to create duplicates of the heroes & some of the villains to recreate their adventures so they would be accepted as a part of this universe. These 'stand-ins' were supposed to cease to exist at 6:59 PM EST on September 23rd.

The problem is that when the LICC Universe had it's recent reality problems the 'stand-ins' were recreated.

Our studies indicate that they will be drawn to the originals. The stand-ins have a limited lifespan, perhaps a week or two, subconsciencely they feel the need to take over from the originals. Unfortunately this will mean the death of the originals and it won't keep the Stand-ins from dying.

In the case of originals who are no longer a part of the LICC Universe, like Hamburger Pattie, Old DC Fan, Evil Comic Fan, Visitor #25, & the old All-Powerful Moderator, this shouldn't be a problem. They'll simply continue to believe they are the original and die.

Visitor #25: Why was I mentioned?

Because you are the Stand-in.

Visitor #25: Ridiculous! I know who I am. I'll show you who's real! (Visitor #25's attempts to harm the Timelord are stopped by temporal forcefields)

The Queue: We were wondering why he was here when all Visitor's had been recalled.

Anyway, the originals who are still here are in grave danger. The Stand-ins believe they are the originals and that the originals are copies and anyone who tries to tell the Stand-ins the truth is part of the plot. Since the Stand-ins can't accept the truth they may become violent and try to harm anyone who shatters their self-delusion.

Because the Stand-ins were created to be a part of the LICC Universe we think that they will be unable to leave it.

Therefore, a warning must be sent to the originals. (Reads from a list) Bob Brehm or Bob the Q whichever name he's using now, Commander Milkshake, Frangelica, Furby, Mr. Absurd, Mr. Obvious, Quantum Man, Tacoman, Taquitoboy now Endymion, and Ze French Knight.

2nd Timelord: You missed a name, The Queue...

QUIET!

The Queue: WHAT? You dare think we are not the originals!?!

No! No! It was a typo! (Temporal shielding starts to buckle under the power of The Queue)

The Queue: We'll have you know that we are the real thing if it's the last thing you do!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Suddenly the planet Gallifrey and all the Time Lords on it cease to exist)

Tacoman: 2999? Pattie, it's the year 3001...
Butrfli: Hi Furby.. and Furby... Captain, should I be getting down to sickbay?
Tacoman: That would be a good idea.
Butrfli sets down the Furbies and heads toward the turbolifts. She looks back at the Patties
And as for you two, next time, we fight in the holodeck...now, before I go to sickbay, I should see how the babies are doing...

Temporal Logic Gives Me a Headache!®

rolls her eyes
"Transmissions seem to indicate that it is the year 3001?" That's precious. Somebody call Base Command and tell them their clocks are running fast.

But that's bizzare about the crew. Sudden disappearance of redshirts I can understand, but what about the other guys? Commander Milkshake, have we had a security breach?

Nobody aproach the other ship just yet. If this is a trick, like Dr. Duke Evil-Wicked's clones, we shouldn't stick out noses into trouble before we find out what happened to the crew.

I remembered she had an address.

Hmm... you think I should go for more of a cheeseburger Pattie look... that might be too distracting on the bridge... I guess I'll slip down to the holodeck and see what I can come up with... see ya later, guyz. *blows a kiss*

slips out

Captain, I've been monitering the other ship's communications... They seem to indicate that I'M the captain, Milkshake's my First officer, and you've retired from captaining... if that's indeed a word...
Should I hail them?

Ops, scan the other ship.. if that's really the original Spidership...

Scanning, sir.

It's clearly a different ship, but the bioscans show that some of the onboard personnel are, in fact, us. I'm not sure who's been temporally displaced, but what may have happened is...

[Insert about 5 minutes of meaningless technobabble here...]

Quantum Man finally notices that the eyes of everyone on the bridge are beginning to glaze over...

... and the Heisenberg... oh, sorry, I got carried away.

Spidermobile I

(goes over and checks out the tactical console)

From what I can see we don't seem to have any security breaches on the ship. The quantum spinnerets are acting up but I'll get engineering onto that problem.

Why do I have the sudden feeling that I should be reading Shakespeare?

Open a hailing frequency.
THis is Captain Tacoman of the LICC Spidership III. What brings the original Spidership into the year 3001?

Suddenly, two humorless men appear on the bridge of the Spidership III.

I'm Dulmer, and this is Lucsly. We're from Temporal Investigations. You are under arrest for violation of the Temporal Prime Directive.

No they're not, since the other Spidership didn't come from the past.

This is Captain Frangelica of the only only Spidership, as far as I'm concerned. You'll understand, I'm sure, Taco, that this is a little difficult for us to accept on faith. Do you terribly mind if I ask you a few questions?

What is the recipie for the secret sauce?
What Shakespeare play has the highest body count?
Who am I seeing?
And what number am I thinking of?

One redshirt on each of the two Spiderships collapses and dies for no particular reason.

The recipie for the secret sauce? Didn't we do this during our original encounter with Duke Evil-Wicked?
Ok...Question #1
Tacoman presses a button on his chair, the bridge shimmers and is replaced by a kitchen, complete with the latest equipment and all the food one can think of. Tacoman himself is clad in a classic chef's outfit
For this recipie, we'll need...
2 teaspoons of vinigar
1/2 cup of chopped walnuts
1/4 teaspoon of vanilla
a clove of garlic
two pinches of cinnamon
a dash of white wine
a chopped hot pepper
1 teaspoon of salt
Zatar if desired
Question #2...
I think it was...Possibly Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet...
Question #3...
You are looking at Captain Jackson Dupree Tacoman, captain of the Spidership III.
Question #4...
In three guesses, either 42, 47, or 1,243

Captain, I don't trust him. Should we fire all weapons at him and his ship?

Spidership III

Captain Tacoman, Captain Frangelica is seeing Subway Man. I assume she meant romantically.

Mr. A: Hey there I am on screen. Looks like I changed my costume, too. Does that sash say Vice-President of Earth?

Mr. O: Nonsense. You getting elected Vice-President would be a sign that the universe was about to end.

VP A: Actually it did... twice.

Mr. O: razzen frazzen mumble grumble...

There's the ship I should be on.

(in a dramatic flash of light Pattie disappears from the Spidermobile III bridge and reappears on the Spidermobile I bridge. She then opens up a private channel to the Spidermobile III. When Butrfli appears on her console screen Pattie kisses Tacoman, who returns the kiss, then Pattie turns to the screen and sticks her tongue out at Butrfli and cuts the connection)

Ok.. she can have THAT Tacoman...
Butrfli picks up Fran and begins to talk to her
Who's a good baby-waby? Were you a good boy while I was gone? Assorted other baby talk
Frangelica, this has been one strange day so far...

Girl, I ment to say girl!!!

Baby Fran blinks craftily. She stretches her little limbs, turns herself into a boy, and then turns back again.

I don't believe it! What a talent! And at such a young age, too. Fran, you're going to be a powerful sorceress one day!

aside, to Chief Engineer Tacoman No, Taco, not just yet. They've got us outgunned 10 to 1, and we don't have a full crew complement. If this is a trick, they're probably just searching for an opening to blow us to smithereens. And is your real name "Jackson DuPrix Tacoman"?

There you are, Pattie. You didn't, by any chance, come from that other ship, did you? What do you think of them? Are they us? More importantly, are they armed?

flips off the "mute" switch on the hailing frequency That's quite an impressive display of improbilimorph technology, there, Captain Tacoman. And intelligent self-confidence. With all due trust, Captain Tacoman, let's say we are in the year 3001. Why are we here and what do you want with us?

muted again, to Tacoman Well, he doesn't know that the highest body count is in the worthless slasher play "Titus Andronicus," and he's goofy enough and dense enough to answer the question, "Who am I seeing?" with "You are seeing me, because I'm on the viewscreen." And he didn't answer "69" when I asked him what number I was thinking of. Those in and of themselves make me think he might be a futuristic Tacoman. But the Tacoman we all know and love can't keep straight the difference between the secret sauce and the secret spice, and he certainly doesn't use zatar.

Boys, Pattie, if you were a powerful Adversary trying to disrupt the L.I.C.C., what would you be trying to pull by creating well-researched hyped-up versions of ourselves-as-we'd-like-to-be?

Yeah, who uses zatar in taco sauce, anyway?

This board is really getting interesting. If we're not writing these other guys, who is?

And anyone want a milkshake? :-)

Butrfli: I'm impressed myself. That's a talent that happens only once in a while in my world...I wonder if Logan can do the same thing?

Spidership 1
Tacoman looks up from smooching with Pattie
Tacoman: Well, to be honest, I've forgotten it myself.. I've gone by "Tacoman" for long... but I can check the records quickly...
Tacoman does just that
How do you like that? I've found my original birth records, and they do say my name is Jackson Dupree Tacoman...
Now, as for the questions... Offhand, I had no idea about the play... and he did say "Zatar if desired..."
And if I were your hypothetical Adversary, I would create this hyped-up LICC to confuse us into submission in order to make us an easier target to attack...

Spidership III
Captain Tacoman: Why are we here? Why is anybody here? I believe it was Plato or Decartes who once said...
Tacoman goes into a long speech about the nature of the universe and subjects related to it. Noticing that people were nodding off to sleep, he stops
Ahem...and as for your second question, we're just trying to clear up the confusion on why there two versions of ourselves around here...

Is it just me? Or was the original LICC much more interesting than the current bunch... Nowadays they're all either Wizards, Suit Men, or Jedis.

Is there a reason Butrfli is being dumbed down? Is that cad Tacoman getting ready to dump her or something? Where's the love dammit?!?

Somewhere stern (that means "to the back of", it doesn't mean severe or angry) of the Spidership is a small unique craft, containing a sole occupant. He is eating dipping chips with humous, and reading Far Side collections. He laughs, frowns, finishes one volume, and puts it down. He picks up the next, and discovers to his dismay that he's already read/looked through it before.

I guess that's all of them. I should stop off at a starbase and see if I can find anything else to occupy my... hey, no need, there's the Spider right up ahead!

He puts down his back of chips and pushes forward the communications switch.

Flight Commander Newcastle, open the shuttle bay doors.

Kiehart acts upon the order, despite Insane getting his name wrong, and the bay doors open. Insane swivels his chair around and grabs the steering joystick. He flies the small craft straight in and docks. The bay doors close, and Insane deactivates the shielding, lifts the glass dome up, and climbs out.

Well, here I am!

He runs out of the shuttlebay and into the nearest turbolift.

Bridge!

On the bridge, the turbolift doors open, and Insane darts out, his cape swishing behind him, dressed exactly as he was the first time he arrived, except that while then he wore the one insignia pip of an ensign, now he has two, signifying his current rank of lieutenant.

Yes! I am back! And I'm glad to be back! Milkshake, good to see you again, it's been a while. *he slaps Milkshake on the shoulder*

Josh, you look... flustered... ah, I won't ask. Good ta see ya! *He puts his hand on Josh's shoulder, and shakes it.*

And who could forget... Captain Jackson Dupree Tacoman himself! I'd be happy to rejoin your crew after my many-months absence. Have you and Butrfli got married yet, by any chance? Hey... *sees Fran* I guess you have, or the next best thing. Congratulations, Taco, ol' buddy!

He then slumps against a wall, removes his cape, and unzips his uniform at the top.

You know, I've been so long in that cramped little ship I need to unwind. *He then notices someone he hadn't seen before, and gasps* FRANGELICA! *he quickly zips up his uniform again and stands to attention, facing Tacoman* Lieutenant Peter Dionysus Insane, sir, reporting for duty, sir, sir!

Tacoman grins at Insane, who turns to the viewscreen and sees the other Spidership crew. Puzzled, he looks at another monitor and sees the Spidership/mobile I

Hey... the original Spidership ahead of us... wasn't this where I came in? No O'kakians though. Oh, by the way, what ship is this? Are we still on number III, or is this IV, V, VI... or what?

Insane! Where've you been?
This is still the Spidership III.
Captain Tacoman to Frangelica, perhaps you should come up here and talk to your...past self...

She's already here, I saw her. *points to Frangelica*

Well, I had a vision... I will not go into it right now... and it reminded me of all the good times I had here, not to mention that I had to come here directly because of the vision itself. Well, I'm coming to fill in at tactical and ops when there isn't someone else there.

Welcome back, Insane. Glad to hear you didn't follow Donna to the underworld a la Orpheus.

Hey wait, Kiehart isn't on the ship right now!

(With a crackling noise, a rift opens on the bridge of Spidermobile III. A familiar figure leaps out, backwards, landing unfortunately on his rear. Black tendrils of...something reach out from within the rift and begin to grip the inner edge of it, as if the being were about to launch itself through. Observer jumps to his feet and fires three blasts of scarlet energy from his left hand. These penetrate the rift, knocking whatever it was back out. The rift quickly closes, and a panting Observer, his customary cloak tattered and burnt, turns toward the Captain.)

Hello again sir. Glad to be back. I certainly hope I haven't missed much excitement...

(As he speaks, Observer picks a smoking tip of black tendril from the floor and slips it into a pocket.)

The turbolift opens and Adon steps out.

That was a fun interview. He asked me some questions about... What happend to you, Observer?

My brain hurts!

Have you ever picked up your phone, dialed your own number and instead of getting a "busy" signal it was you too who picked up the phone on the other end?

Well, this is how I feel now and I think the Furby on the Spidermobile knows that feeling too. We both have the same frequency for the hyper-super-subspace-radio-television-holographic link to the mighty Furby Hive Mind. Ouch.

Looks very irritated.

Captain, I certainly don't want to go into details but that's me on the other ship! And hey, there is another one from my family.

Well, Adon, I was trying to find out the source of the strange "tremors" in the time/space continuum I had been detecting lately, when my Superiors called me away for an urgent assignment. Two of them actually, one in the ancient American Civil War, the other a few hundred years back, that nasty business with the K'kaii attempting to control Earth through the newly-united government. That fellow that attempted to follow me was one of the last K'kaii warriors in this part of the galaxy. I'd consider myself fortunate that the K'kaii were exterminated a hundred years ago, since I've been nose-to-sensing knob with them far more than I'd like, these past few (subjective) weeks.

Did those tremors ever develop into something dangerous?

Spidermobile I

*enters the bridge*

I'm here. Shields up. I don't trust these guys, Captain. This could be one of our enemies trying something funny with us. All weapons on full standby.

Original Spidermobile

Captain, I'm not sure where we are, or when we are, or where we're going.

Greetings, Observer.

"Orpheus", Klassikos? Wasn't he the one who was famous for... oh, wait, that was Oedipus.

(Gallifrey & the Timelords come back into existence)

The Queue: Perhaps we were a little too hasty in our last decision.

(The Timelord touches his various (and acceptable for TV) body parts to make sure he is still there)

Visitor #25: I have been unable to leave this universe.

The Queue: As have we, and that shouldn't be possible as we.. if we, created it.
While we don't believe your allegations that we are just Stand-ins...
We are willing to examine your evidence.

Timelord: *gulp* uh, yes, yes. This way. (to an assistant) Bring up our findings on the monitors.

turns to the viewscreen

All right, so you think you're the real LICC and we're not? All right, blue armor guy, let me tell you this - your name is Steven Q Milkshake, your parents were French-Canadian geometry majors in college whose first love has always been archaelogy.

Convinced we are real yet?

Captain Tacoman sits in his chair, hands massaging his head
This is one of the most confusing things that we've ever encountered!
By the way, welcome back Observer...

Spidermobile 1

Sorry buddy, close, but not quite close enough. Only my mother is French-Canadian, my father is from New Milwaukee.

Captain, I agree with Tacquitoboy on this. I don't trust these guys at all.

Spidermobile 1

From what I "sense" they can be trusted. It's probably just an extremely silly temporal vortex.

Passes out.

This can only end badly.

*And then, out of the blue, the Spidership 3 opens fire on the Spidership 1. Two phaser blasts crumple the shields of the older ship, and a quantum torpedo blasts off two legs and the port docking thrusters. The crew of the Spider 3 look at each other in confusion, since none of them gave the order to fire or carried out the order.

The bridge of the Spider 1 is filled with smoke and sparks. The Spider 3 attempts to hail the Spider 1 but it's communications are mysterously disabled and no-one can activate them. As both crews watch, the Spider 3 fires again, carving into the engineering section. If nothing is done, the warp drive could be damaged...*

Spidermobile 1

Shields gone! Returning fire! I knew those guys couldn't be trusted!!! Captain, main power will only hold for 2 more minutes! Recommend we jump to warp, NOW!

We didn't fire... did we? Maybe it was Enesku... or the Roani virus is at it again...

Maybe Fran and Logan have been playing with the consoles?

Spidermobile III

busily examining computer logs

No, Captain, according to this, no one fired the weapons, the ship...somehow...acted on its own!

Watches the screen, as the Spidermobile I jumps to warp, narrowly avoiding another quantum torpedo

coughing dramatically Damage report! And position check!

Furby, I think you're pretty well qualified to say that our "duplicates"-- whoever they are-- didn't mean us any harm. I'm still not willing to swear that they're us, mind you, but if they were going to be hostile, they should have used something more lethal than phasers and quantum torpedoes. Heck, even we have far more advanced technology than that.

Tacoman, can you bring up a picture on the viewscreen of that other ship the instant they fired on us? And zoom in on the main phaser banks. I have seen all 347 Star Trek movies, including number VI, and I want to see who or what fired that shot.

I've already got it. They definitely fired. And maybe they just wanted to disable us and not destroy us. Either way, I wouldn't have wanted to stick around long enough to find out.

Spidermobile

***BEEP***I am currently out of service***Please leave a message and come back later***BEEP***...

Whoops! Better hide!

Spidermobile III
Captain Tacoman: Ok... I want a full diagnostic of the weapons system and the computer in general! Find out what the hell just happened!
See if we can send a message to the other Spidership to tell them what happened!

Spidermobile I
Chief Engineer Tacoman: I suppose I should get my teams getting to the repairs...
I have no idea why Captain Tacoman fired on us... I bet somebody doesn't want us to find out something...

"Lopez to the bridge! What the hell is going on? The Banshee fighters just self activated and are trying to burn through the launch door!"

Spidership III
Captain Tacoman: Lopez, I have no idea! We're still trying to figure out why the ship fired at the Spidermobile I!

Spidership I
Tacoman: Damage reports coming in, Captain! It doesn't look very good.
Tacoman looks at his console
Captain! The colors on my console are fading.. It's not just the display, either..the console itself is loosing color...

Artsy exits the turbolift onto the bridge, flickering between confused grey and a muted, concerned blue. "Did we just fire on someone? What's going on? Can I help?"

Ah, Artsy. Well, we had met the original Spidership with the original crew, and then this ship decided, on its own appearently, to fire on it. Now we're trying to find out why. As for whether you can help or not, I don't know.
Report! Have we discovered anything yet?

A few minutes earlier...
Like she needs to wear anything less, he thinks. He's still thinking about various topics when he feels a hand on his shoulder and hears Insane's voice.

Hi, Pete. We missed ya.
The Observer appears out of the rift.
You too Observer

He turns back to the viewscreen.
Talk about Deja vu. Another Spidership. Next thing you know, we'll be gun to gun with an O'kakian warship.}

The Spidership III fires.
What the-? I'm pulling us away.
The Spidership III begins to fly away from the Spidership I, still firing. The older starship jumps to warp, temporarily escaping. Now...
Should we follow Captain?

Hi, Artsy, I'm glad to see you weren't arrested... or maybe you were, but not for very long...

He gives her a friendly hug, and takes the Tactical II station

Josh, just stay right here for now... For one thing, we need to see what happened. For another, if we follow the original ship, THIS ship might take it upon itself to fire again, and I for one still want to see a peaceful resolution.
If these are our past selves come into the future, destroying their ship could cause terrible conquences... for instance, our not being here right not.

We could try and disable our own weapons. If they are unable to fire, the ship can't fire them and we could get close enough to talk.

Whatever fired our weapons can certainly un-disable them! Or worse, it can blow us to bits once we've kindly reduced ourselves a sitting dux.

Good point, Frangelica.
How about this... We approach the ship, but stay out of weapons range. Then, we send a couple of us in an unarmed shuttle over to the original ship so we can talk to them...

Perhaps I could take my ship to them and speak from there. Or you could borrow it, Captain.

Muahhahahhahhahaaa!

*Just then, a subspace message from Spider III to Spider I is heard by the crews of both ships. Tacoman's own voice, accurate to 99.99994 percent, speaks over the com signal.*

Attention Spidermobile I! Stand down your weapons! You are no match for your mirror-universe counterparts! The King's Interstellar Lethal Legionaires will destroy you and rule this galaxy! If you surrender now, your death will be quick.

*Following that, every piece of equipment aboard the Spider III capable of sending subspace commiunication signals burns itself out.*

King's Interstellar Lethal Legionaries? What's been happening? Someone must be remotely controlling the ship. He sounds a lot like you, Captain, it's a good impression.

Hmm.. A voice that sounds like me claiming to be from KILL... I wonder...
Computer, analyze the voice and compare it to vocal records of KILL member Taconator.
Computer: Processing...100% vocal match.
Which is strange, as seeing as we got rid of KILL in our first adventure in the LICC universe...
This may be a good time to talk to both the Q and the Queue...
Insane, how many people can your ship hold?

One.

Spidership 1

King's Interstellar Lethal Legionaires! Mirror universe? This sounds like trouble. Captain, we've got to figure out a way to stop these guys!

Wait a second, there's something coming in on a data transmission channel. I'll put it on the main viewscreen.

*In seconds, the complete schematics and fabrication instructions of every Spidermobile III weapon, defensive system and sensor package, as well as the warp core, is displayed on the screen.*

When that guy said our worst enemies may be ourselves, I guess he wasn't speaking figuratively.

Sheez. How dumb do they think we are? Next thing you know they're going to shoot a torpedo out of a nearby moon that explodes into a puff of smoke and a flag that says "Please kill your future selves so I don't have to!"

This is far too much of a set-up for those weirdos on the other ship not to be telling the truth. Tacquitoboy, delete that data NOW! Dunk the memory nodes in acid and send a redshirt to feed their paltry remains to the sliketh that live in the unwatched Jeffries tubes. I don't want anyone on this ship to have the ability to destroy that "Spidermobile."

And Tacoman, trace that message! Who sent it and does it say at the end, "This message brought to you by Evil Villain Snarkiblatt and the Coaliation to Destroy the L.I.C.C.?"

"King Interstellar Lethal Legionaries." Mirror Universe. What nonsense. Everyone knows that all the zatar in the mirror universe was destroyed during the Spice Wars 3,000 years ago and no one alive there now has ever even heard of it.

An explosion rocks the ships and alarms start goign off. Lt.JG Lopex calls the bridge. "Captain! The Banhsee fighters blew up the launch door with their missles! The explosion crippled the two closest to the door, including Mr. Kiehart's fighter. The other ten have started blasting off.! I have no idea where they're headed! We've got a serious hull breach in the walls over here! What is going on?"

Spidership I

A familiar (to us) and not very-familiar (to them) person appears in a flash of light. Q, his voice dripping with sarcasm, addresses the Captain.

Oh how very clever you are, Captain. Correctly deducing that the creatures who FIRED on your ship and then BROADCASTED their HOSTILE intent are really good guys? Remind me not to take a pleasure cruise on this ship any time soon. How have you lasted this long?

Taconator is just as immortal as you are, captain. He's been eaten by a transporter accident, had his body stolen by Captain Cola, returned in a brand-new body 100% identical to the old one, had that one blown up several times, and is still coming back for more. But somehow I don't think he's actually involved in any of this.

"Stand-in"s mysteriously reappearing, voice record of overused characters cause harm, someone operates the Spidership's weaponry without our knowledge... it's as if we have a really evil groupie.

Captain, I'm going to check the transporter system. If whoever-it-is is actually on the Spidermobile, they'll have planned an escape for when their nefarious plan succeeds and we actually get attacked by something.

And somebody check the Computer Archives and see if anyone has been acessing them a real lot recently!

What will it take to make you go away?

Eeg! Forget about the transporters, that's where they're going! Frangelica apparates down to the shuttle deck and quickly seals the hull breach.

Lieutenant! Activate the tracking devices on all those ships! We need to see where they're off to! And everyone, get out of the shuttle bay!

As soon as the room is clear, Frangelica apparates out of it and fills it from floor to ceiling with powdered lastnightsdinnerparty. This being the most boring and non-reactive substance in the known universe, it has the effect of quenching all smoldering fires and preventing future explosions from doing anything but singe the powder.

Captain Tacoman, what now?

Spidership I
Tacoman is attempting to trace the message when Q appears. He looks up and looks startled
Captain, in the century where I came from originally, there was a show called "Star Trek" and had many spinoffs.. One of the recurring characters was a creature called Q... and looked a lot like this guy...
I'm having trouble finding the source of the message, by the way...

Spidership III
Well, I suppose somebody should board Insane's ship, head over to the Spidership I, and fully explain the situation and see what both teams can figure out... Any volunters? If nobody steps forward, I'll go myself.

Captain, I could take my fighter over to the Spidership I or I could try to follow and disable some of the Banshees. Or at least find out where they're headed.

(Old DC Fan brings some Thanagaran equipment to the bridge and hooks it into the scanner)
This is the Absobascon. It was used by Hawkman & Hawkgirl to learn all about Earth. It scans the minds of intelligent creatures. If I use it on the other Spidermobile I can learn what they know. Although it may take some time to isolate individual bits of information.
(He switches it on, it scans the Spidermobile III and transmits that knowledge to Old DC Fan, unfortunately the knowledge of hundreds of people overwhelms his 750 year old mind and he passes out for several hours)

Considering that the Spidership is now several light years away from the Spidermobile and hiding behind a planet, that was a pretty stupidthing to do! It's lucky that the planet wasn't populated and there wasn't another ship in between or his head would have exploded!

Ok... I'm going to take Insane's ship myself. Josh, you follow and take out or follow any Banshees you find.

Who's in charge while you're gone, sir?

Two thugs materialize on the bridge. One is Big and stoopid looking. The other is short, but has an incredily tall hat.

Short Thug: Lefty, why don't youse take care of dis guy?

Lefty: Duhhh, OK, Rocky...

he grabs the shifty-eyed redshirt

Lefty: Duhhh, you knows what happens when you doesn't pays your gambling debts!

he kneecaps the redshirt, who unknown to all, had a suicide device stored under his kneecap, and the redshirt's brain instantly explodes!

Lefty: Duhhh, oops! Sorry, Rocky!

Rocky: Shaddap, and let's scram!

Lefty: Duhhh, OK, Rocky.

they dematerialize

Tacoman, who's already out of the hanger and is ready to leave, calls the bridge
Milkshake, you have the ship!
With that, Tacoman deactivaes all the weapons on the ship and heads towards the Spidership I. Josh follows and begins battling various fighters. Soon, Tacoman is in communication range with the Spidership I
Captain Tacoman to Captain Frangelica, please allow me to board your ship. I think we need to have a little talk.

Talk. I'm listening.

Q leans down and whispers to Captain Frangelica

What are you doing? They'll overwhelm you with pretty talk and misleading information about your supposed "future" and your "counterparts" and such. You need to destroy their ship NOW, before they get a change to board you and use your ship to attack Earth! Ignore this false overture of peace and go attack the other Spidermobile!

On the next episode of LICC3....

"Return fire!"

"Q, I'm going to kick you in the butt."

"But I looove these Choco Ringer-Dingers!"

"Old DC Fan's talking to the bedding again."

All this and more, on the next LICC!