Blaho!

Uhh, that's certainly not the right time to remember that I am from the KILL universe, isn't it?

Are you running out of Redshirts?

Need some people to perform pointless, dangerous duties?

Then contact ACME REDSHIRT SUPPLY COMPANY!

Yes, ACME can provide all your redshirt needs, whether it's one crewman, or an entire supporting cast! And ACME redshirts are guaranteed to die easily, without lingering! And they have a special memory dampening field, so that you can forget all about them after they're dead (except at Nitty award time, of course).

ACME... for all your redshirt needs!

>Yes, ACME can provide all your redshirt needs, whether it's one crewman, or an entire...cast!>

So that's where the crew of the USS Voyager came from.

Captain Tacoman is allowed to dock with the Spidership I, and, under heavy security, is lead into Captain Frangelica's Ready Room. It takes him a moment or two to notice Q standing there
Ok, as I said, we need to talk...
Q? I thought you might have had something to do with this!
Q, I'm going to kick your butt!

No, it's...

Q snaps his fingers, and suddenly Tacoman looks like Q, and Q looks like Tacoman.

Q, I'm going to kick you in the butt.

With that, Q/Tacoman fetches Tacoman/Q a swift punt to the behind. He changes them back, and as Tacoman is rubbing his smarting rear, he says...

Read the previews PROPERLY, Jackie-boy. Now, Frangelica here was just about to blow the lot of you up, so you better get back in your little stubby shuttle and go back to the Spidermobile 3.

Nervously responding to a message over the intercom

Uhh, yes, that was me. I'm the one who let Tacoman in. Whaddaya mean, did I ask if I should? Why should I do a thing like that? Tacoman is an officer on this ship, isn't he? Why shouldn't I let him dock his new mini-ship and boad the Spidership whenever he wants?

Whaddaya mean, "Double Trouble"?

I wouldn't leave just now, Captain Tacoman, seeing as we've tractored your shuttle into empty space and have surrounded it with a projected force envelope. Nothing personal, you understand, we just want to make sure that if some remote Vill blows it up, they don't take most of our docking bay with it.

Anyway, this Unwanted Being who is currently rearranging my electric pencils without my permission is Q. I see you've met before. Any tips on how we can make him go way?

By the way, nice armor. Is everybody wearing one of those this year?

Looks up from fiddling with the electric pencils

"Go away", Mon Capitane? I'm afraid the only person who could do that is you, and you can't even do that yet. No, I'm afraid you're stuck with me, at least until you tell this yellow side-dish to get lost...

Q sticks one pencil behind his ear and begins rubbing his fingers all over the beautifully polished crystal top of Frangelica's desk.

Captain, I understand perfectly.
Listen, Q, I'm here to figure out why the Spidership I is here, whether it's here from the past, and why MY ship fired on it when I never ordered anybody to fire the weapons!
Captain Frangelica, these may seem like strange questions, but they need answering...
1. What is your earliest LICC memory?
2. Do you remember inhabiting a realm known as "Phantom Returns"
I apologize if I boarded and docked without full permission, but the situation is very grave, and we need to find out what's going on.
Now, as for my armor, it's similar to the model Commander Milkshake wears, and I'll leave it at that.

"Oh ••••. The Banshee's are preparing an attack run on the Spidership I!"

Rikard receives the message from the Spidership III. The Banshees are setting to attack the other Spidership.
I'm on it Lieutenant. Order the other pilots to launch. You guys can take the yellow squadrons fighters. They're not as advanced but considering the Banshees don't have any pilots on them that we know of then you guys will probably do fine.
He ends the transmission.
Computer, how long until the first Banshees are within weapons range of the Spidermobile I?
Computer: 4 minutes, 20 seconds
Rikard: How long until this ships is within firing range of the leading Banshee fighter.
Computer: 5 minutes, 3 seconds
Rikard sighs.
Just great.

(Mr. Obvious gets up with a cup of hot coffee, turns and bumps into a redshirt who gets scalded to death and disappears)

OK, when we first found ourselves here there were no red, blue or yellowshirts anywhere on board, now they seem to be appaearing & disappearing.

What's going on?

Oh, that.

since we were undermanned I hooked up the weirdness magnet to the crew complement records which were then fed into the transporter/replicator systems' Heisenberg compensators. Now when some part of the ship needs a crewman the system temporarily manufactures one for as long as they are needed, then they are recycled back into the system.

That makes no sense whatsoever.

Yeah. Isn't it great?

(turns back to his console)

Anyway, I was doing some some work using the latest research into Taroastrologipyrapalmouji and ran the crew's data through the computer and look what it revealed.

(on screen an image of a skeleton came up)

Despite the fact that most of us were born at different times & in different places our destiny is the same. Death.

Everything dies eventually. That's hardly an Earth-shaking prediction.

Besides if those others are us from the future. We are obviously not going to die. They might, but not us.

I don't remember seeing you in that shot of the Bridge, brother dear.

And this prediction is for the near-future, not decades in the future.

Besides in Taroastrologipyrapalmouji Death might be symbolic of a life-altering change, not necesarily death death.

Then again...

Captain, sensors indicate that fighters are approaching. The Redshirt Suicide Squad is ready & waiting to launch and engage the enemy. Kamikaze-style, if necesary.

Captain Tacoman leans close to Q and points to him
Q, If I find out that YOU are responsible for this mess, I will sic the Frangelica on MY ship on you so fast, your head will spin!

Q then spins his own head around and spews green pea soup at Tacoman.

"...at least until you tell this yellow side-dish to get lost"? Gosh, you're getting desperate, offering me the thing I desire most in life if only I'll start an interplanetary incident.

kicks Tacoman under the table in a knowing sort of way and adopts a sing-songy tone Tacoman, get lost!

Dear, dear. He doesn't seem to be listening to me. Pity, that. If only I could order him off my ship... but wait, he's the same rank as I am.

Alert klaxon howls, and the Captains run back out onto the bridge, where the clever Tacquitoboy has ALREADY raised shields and turned on defenses. Captain Tacoman, what are those ships that are streaking towards us in attack formation and do you by any chance have their command codes?

Captain Tacoman wipes off the pea soup from himself and looks at the screen
Those would be the Spidership III's fighers. For some reason, they broke their way out of shuttlebay and started headed this way. My helmsman, Josh Rikard, is rapidly approaching them, ready to fire when they're in range.
Unfortunatly, I don't think I have the command codes with me...

Banshee squad is attacking the Spidership 1. Rikard doesn't have the firepower to stop them before they can cause significant damage. I'll head out myself and try and stop them. If nothing else, it'll get their attention.

Adon entered a command on his console and left the bridge. The officer who stepped in to man the station noticed a particular message on the screen... "Attaching Missile Pods."

By the time Adon got to the hanger, the pods were attached and ready to go. Large containers had been attached to the shoulder armor, forearms, and calves of the robot.

Adon entered the suit, powered it up, and roared out of the hanger bay. Once he was clear, he transformed into plane mode and flew as fast as the suit could go towards the Spidership 1.

Spidermobile III

Let's just hope Adon can do the job.

A frantic redshirt runs up to Milkshake

"Commander, command control has been disabled!"

That's not good. Let me guess, we can't raise Engineering on intercom or leave the bridge somehow?

"Right, sir."

I knew it. I've seen too many episodes like this. Okay, you redshirts start working on a Ratliffian Ship Controller. Until we construct one and use it to get back control of the ship, there's nothing we can do.

"Commander, the ship has cloaked itself and is now heading at warp toward the Spidermobile I's position!"

When did we get a cloak?

"Last Tuesday."

Captain Tacoman, please authorize your people to do whatever it takes to stop those ships.

In the meantime, Quantum Man, take us to warp! And Tacquitoboy, invent a new evasion apttern and implement it! Make whoever it is that's trying to provoke us need to find us first!

Tacoman, please get the interrociter online in case we have to do any repairs. Commander Milkshake, ready the Polymorph rifle. If anything gets within firing range of this ship, I want it turned into high-density jello immediately!

Captain Tacoman: if you would allow me to use your comm system?
Captain Frangelica nods, and Tacoman attempts to contact the ship
Captain Tacoman to Commander Milkshake, you have my authority to use any necessary force avaliable to disable, and perhaps destroy the Banshee Fighters!
Frangelica, you may want to make an appearence over here... We have an infestation of a certain pesky letter of the alphabet...
Chief Engineer Tacoman: Interrociter is now online. Repair teams are heading towards the damaged areas.
Captain Tacoman: Captain Frangelica, as I asked before, do you remember inhabiting a realm called "Phantom Returns," or do you memories show you always being in this universe?
Chief Engineer Tacoman: Captain, huh? Looks like life ended up pretty well for you. So how did you get the suit? It looks like Milkshake's, only more advanced...
Captain Tacoman: Yeah, life has been pretty good, if not a bit strange... And this is a version of Milkshake's armor. I would tell you how I got it, but I would be violiting the Temporal Prime Directive.
Chief Engineer Tacoman: I understand perfectly.

Spidermobile I

Aye, aye Captain! We are at warp, but I cannot guarantee with certainty what course we are on! Who left the bridge and had me at Helm, anyways? Not a particularly bright idea.

Spidermobile I

I'd be glad to, Captain, but I don't have any ideas what a Polymorph Rifle is!

Q appears, sprawled in Frangelica's chair, and begins to spin himself in it with one extended foot.

"Oh, now you've done it Franny, you've hatched another temporal paradox. There is no Polymorph Rifle yet. I can't wait to see what happens this time."

Q doesn't have long to wait, as Commander Milkshake blinks out of existence, the two Tacomans trade places on the bridge and a similar superhero, this one based in Washington, appears.

Tacoman: "What's going on?"

Anonymous Yellowshirt: Captain, Decks 5-7 are filled with green-colored vanilla pudding, and the warp core ejection system is suddenly WORKING!"

The Tacomans trade places, and Captain Tacoman confronts Q
I don't know what your sick little game is, pal, but it's time to stop. These people may not know what mischief and damage you can do to the space-time continium, but MY crew has had enough experience dealing with you, and this time, YOU have gone to far!

Oh, blow it out your shell, Jackie. I didn't do this, your den mother over there did. Honestly, if you mortals knew what potential damage you do to the timeline every single day, the universe would probably be a safer place. Or maybe not. Anyway, since you are not listening to me, I'll have to work this out somewhere else.

Q disappears, leaving the captain's chair spinning so fast that it cracks a strut and falls off its support.

The Banshees approach the Spidership I. Just as they enter weapons range, the Spidership jumps to warp. The Banshees prepare to jump to pursue. Then, the two lead Banshees are hit by an ion beam. Rikard has arrived. Three more fighters turn to engage Rikard while the remaining ships jump to warp, the two damaged ships beginning to drift. He hails the Spidership III.
Rikard to Spidership, I've stopped a few of the Banshees for the moment. Unless you get help out to Spidership I, the rest are going to catch up with her before I do. I'll take care of the one's I'm fighting with. Just stop the rest of them. Rikard out.

Den mother? I assume he means the Frangelica on my ship? Hmm... I may have to see what she knows...
Captain Frangelica, if I may offer my assistance? It looks like I may be here a while...

Spidermobile I

Captain, the fighers just got attacked!

What do you mean, you don't know what a Polymorph Rifle is? We used them to defeat the Snowmen Invaders.

Does anyone else get the feeling the timeline is breaking down?

A group of shuttlecraft appear. Two of the shutles grab the disabled fighters and lock on ot them with tractor beams. Lt. Lopez hails rikard. "Sir, the disabled fighters' power supplies have started to recharge but the fighters aren't acting on their own again, and the two crippled fighters back in the bay are noraml again too. Just thought you should know." The other three shuttles launch demolition torpedoes at the fighters. Two of them hit the lead fighter blowing it to pieces. The third torp impacts in the misslie launcher of the second of the three fighters. The explosion knocks the ship off course. It suddenly fires emergency stop thrusters then powers down. Lopez orders a shuttle to grab it while the remaining Banshee makes a bee-line to Rikard.

But I ordered them to... oh never mind. Rikard to Lopez, get to the Spidership and stop the rest of the Banshees. I'll disable this one and join you momentarily. This shouldn't take long.

Rikard engages the last Banshee.

Whoaaaaaaaa!

Just then, a glass and metal box, 35" by 35" by 86", drops out of the overhead of the Spidermobile I bridge, trailing orange lightning. The door folds open, and a familiar red-haired extremely tall guy walks out, in a strange outfit of white T-shirt, black vest, black shorts, orange windbreaker and sneakers.

Whoa! That was most triumphant! Oops, excuse me. Hi guys. Suddenly found myself in the future, I think. It was excellent there. Eventually they gave me this to get home. What's up, dudes?

I meant the Frangelica standing in front of you, microcephalic bi-lobe.

A hand reaches out of nothing, lifts Tacoman's helmet off, smacks him, then replaces the helmet. Backwards.

As soon as the shuttles dock, Lopex leaps out. The 6 members of banshee sqaudron who stayed behind are in the Yellow squad fighters figuring out their systems. "Are we ready to go boys?" They all give a thumbs up. Lopez turns to face the other four pilots. "OK, get those fighters working. I'd like them to be as presentable as possible when the FC gets back." He then runs to jump into a seventh Yellow squad fighter.

The remaining Banshee fighter managed to avoid getting hit, dispite all of Rikard's best efforts. To make matters worse, the disabled fighters had somehow repaired themselves and focused their attack on Rikard when he received an incoming message.

Hold on Josh! Help is on the way!

Josh looked up just in time to see Adon's suit transform into robot mode and unleash the missiles. 100 extremely maneuverable missiles fired at once from the pods, obscuring the suit from view. Once the missiles were clear, the pods themselves detached from the suit. The missiles flew wildly through space, chasing after the Banshee fighters. Although they were able to shoot down several missiles, the sheer numbers made it impossible to get them all. When the dust cleared, the entire squad was destroyed.

I'm sorry I had to do that, but I really had no choice. Shall we head off towards the Spidership 1 and make sure nothing else decided to hurt it?

Spidermobile III

(Suddenly a group of kids comes onto the bridge)

You wanted a Ratliffian Ship Controller? Well, I'm your woman!

Steven, stop drooling and take the helm!

Quito, take over communications!

Comet Lad, you've got the Engineering station!

Fran, I want you on weapons & Logan take the Science Station!

Captain Marissa at your service!

YES!!! My post made the board 47k!!! Yahooo!!!

Spidermobile III
(A flash of smoke and Evil comic Fan appears on the Spidermobile III)

Now I shall get my revenge on you Old DC Fan!

(He glances around at all the new heroes)

Say, I don't recognize you guys. Where's LICC?

Captain Tacoman turns his helmet the right way and rubs his head where Q hit it
Timeline breaking down? So what else is new?
Snowmen fighters? you mean the guys from the Nevermoon?
Tacoman looks at Frangelica again
Q said that you had something to do with all this...and if you're our Stand-Ins...
Chief Engineer Tacoman: Stand-In?
Captain Tacoman: Should I explain the conepts of Stand-Ins to you all? I don't want things to turn ugly...

Please do, and hurry. And while you're at it, what is this "phantom return" thing you mentioned? Do we have a ghost problem?

OK... from what I understand and know, the LICC universe was created by a race called the Queue, as in line, not the letter "Q". They also created a past for this universe. Lately, there has been some temporal trouble around here, and the "Stand Ins", or people and things created to fill up the past, have been appearing. And, from what I've learned, you, Captain, and your fine crew, are Stand Ins.
Now, as for the Phantom Returns, it was the universe and dimension that the original LICC inhabited before they became part of this universe.
Chief Engineer Tacoman, who has been listening, looks at his hand casually. He gives out a yell and holds up his hand and arm. His hand appears to be vanishing, as though it never existed
Captain, I seem to be having personal reality problems!

Uh oh, dude, you're disappearing! Wait, I've got an idea!

Milkshake quickly ducks back inside the phone booth and dials a long string of numbers. When he emerges, he grabs Engineer Tacoman and pushes him inside the booth, closes the door, and steps away.

Taco-dude, push the two glowing buttons on the phone!

Tacoman does so with his remaining hand, and the phone booth crackles with energy and drops into the floor, leaving a glowing orange outline.

I sent him back into the past, before his parents meet. It should stop him from disappearing. Hey, it worked for Marty and Doc!

Oh, so we're just cardboard cut-outs, designed to keep your astro-seats warm for you until you get back? I happen to find that idea rather... rather...

Frangelica's insulted tone kind of peters away; she goes over to the main viewscreen and forlornly presses her nose against it as if she were looking out the window.

I guess that explains why some of us have different memories than others. And why we have no real redshirts. And why Tacoman started to disappear. Boy, whoever created us must have done a pretty shoddy job. We should to file a complaint.

Tacoman, do you or any of your people have any way of stabilizing the time-space continuum? I... I'd like to think that this universe is big enough for the both of us...

Spidermobile I

Yes.

Milkshake's air-head tone drops as the conversation turns much more serious.

This is the 31st century, isn't it? There must be some way to preserve our existences. If I remember, correctly, the Dawnstrom Institute has been dabbling in multi-dimensional theory. In our time, they were on the verge of a major breakthrough. If it's 2 years later, could they possibly have a way of keeping us from dying?

Spidermobile III

Marissa, you've just met your worst nightmare. An MST3k fan.

Thirty seconds later, a shrieking Marrissa is ejected into warp space on a trajectory that will ultimately take her into a star. And there was much rejoicing.

Yay.

Now when do we feast on Sir Robin's Minstrels?

The phone booth goes through various time circuits and is eventually ejected into real time. Chief Engineer Tacoman looks at his hand and then outside.
Well, at least my hand is back... and it looks like I've been sent back to the time of the cave dwellers. What a strange life...

Spidership I
Stablize the Time-Space continium? The only person that comes to mind is the Frangelica on my ship, but she only has semi-Q powers... nothing like what the Q themselves have...We could call on Q again, or we could bring our crews together to figure this thing out.
I was just thinking of what could have made our ship do what it's been doing...
Let me think this through...
First, the ship started being weird, then we get a message from a voice that sounded like Taconator over the comm system. The Frangelica on my ship didn't think he was involved with the strangeness..
The last time we saw Taconator, we put him in a magic bag of holding, I think...
Tacoman stands up and looks more alert
My God, what if he came back in spirit... or left a bit of himself on the ship! Of course...it's so simple! He leaves a kernel of himself in the ship's computers, waits for somebody to press the wrong button, and there he is again! I've got to warn the ship!
Q, where are you? I'm sorry I accused you like I did, but I didn't have all the information I could of had! We need you to stabilize the space-time continium, or at least tweak it so that both ships can exist in peace!

I wouldn't have expected you to make the connection, Jackie, but kudos anyway.

Q reappears

Okay, look. The Continuum, acting on the incredibly misguided assumption that I somehow LIKE the lot of you, sent me here to deal with this mess. And amazingly, I've got a whole lot of restrictions on me here. This situation, whatever it is, is sensitive. So I can't just stabilize things so we can all go home and eat pizza. At first I thought that if the Spidermobile I was blown away by you guys, then the whole mess would be sorted out. But I see you're going to be a ethical twig about this so we'll have to work up something else.

You humans wouldn't have happen to have discovered the eighth law of thermodynamics yet, have you? Q said you only had two or three, but he must have been kidding.

In this universe, we OBEY THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS!!!!!

Thanks, Q. Once I had a chance to think about things, I was able to connect the dots, so to speak.

Now, if, and I say IF, we were to destroy the Spidership I, would that affect, in any way, my ship?

Destroying this ship is the last thing I would consider, but if push came to shove, and I had no other option, I might consider it.

Of course the illusion of the disabled Banshees coming back was just that, as the disabled fighters, the five there were, were safely tucked away inside Spidership III and undergoing repairs.

Lt.JG Lopez notices this then calls the bridge. "Captain, I know how we can prevent the ship from self-firing again. We have to do a cold shutdown of the power supplies like they were hit with ion cannons, then do a re-start!"

So who's on what?

Whos on first!

Okay, let's go get them.

With that, Rikard and Adon jump to warp.

OK, there were 12 Banshee fighters.

2 were crippled early on in this plot.
3 were disabled and towed back.
2 were destroyed.

So that means Adon and rikard only have 5 left to take care. If and when Kiehart comes back, he'll either have the five diabled fighters in the bay, plus however many Adon and rikard bring back without blowing up. I just hope the writers o fthis show cna keep count.

The eighth law of thermodynamics? Isn't that the one that says that entropy can temporarily be reversed by self-sacrifice on the part of a major character accompanied by a large explosion? Or is that the seventh?

Spidermobile I

That one's also known as "Amalfi's Law", Captain. After the Mayor of New York, who, in an alternate universe, blew himself up to recreate the universe.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa........
(As she is flung out of the Spidermobile III)

Viewer 1: Kewl!

Viewer 2: Hey wait. How can she scream if she's in space?

Viewer 3: It's just a show and you really should relax.

Viewer 4 a.k.a. Dr. Science: It's really quite simple. (Fortunately they were watching LICC on the Ultra TiVo system, so Dr. Science is able to rewind the tape and zoom in as Marissa is ejected from the ship) As you can see here, just as she is leaving the ship a reflective, transparent substance covers her body and a transparent dome surrounds her head. Clearly she is wearing an instant spacesuit designed to trigger when the pressure drops & stellar radiation increases.
Now let's see what happens next.

(The show is restarted from the moment it was stopped)

...aaaaaaa!!! (She takes a breath, then pushes some buttons on her belt, and she dematerializes only to rematerialize back in her quarters on the ship. She removes her helmet and yells)

That lousy has-been is just jealous because he knows that I'd make a better captain than he would!

(She taps some controls in her quarters and begins giggling maniacly.)

He he. He he he. Heeheeheeheehee...

(When suddenly she is doused with the strawberry juice she had intended for Commander Milkshake)

Steven!!!!!!!!!!

Gallifrey, Inner Time
(Viewing the monitors of the past)
Visitor #25: Why does Hamburger Pattie have a duplicate in 2032? *

Timelord: We just assumed it was an oversight. Since Pattie came from JARSO there was no need for her to have a counterpart here.

The Queue: Interesting. Are there any other anomolous counterparts in history?

Timelord: Hmmmm, well, there's usually a problem with Tacoman's timeline. See he's supposed to be Jackson Tacoman, but sometimes there is a confusion with his lookalike cousin Lance Pepperman.
Come to think of it Bob the Q tried to bring Mr. Absurd back from the past, but accidentally brought forward a Mr. Abusurd. **
(images of the originals & past counterparts are brought up on the monitors)

Visitor #25: Can you run a search to find any other anomolous counterparts to the Stand-ins?

* Beautiful Lab Assistant - LICC VI

** LICC XIII

I've got to inform the ship about Taconator, but how...? Ah.. I've got it!
Tacoman activates the comm system in his helmet and sets up a direct comm link to Commander Milkhshake on the Spidership III.
Captain Tacoman to Commander Milkshake, I think I've figured out what's been going on the the ship. Somehow, I think, Taconator has infiltrated the ship's computers and has been causing the havok of late. Find a way to stop him. I'm still on the Spidership I dealing with this crew. Tacoman out.

Enesku re-enters the bridge. She is dressed in her original scale-mail armor, and carries her spear. She sits down at the communications console.

Enesku: Where's Pattie?

Insane: Pattie was here? No-one ever tells me these... *he then stops, realising Enesku is there. Enesku also stops, realising Insane is there.*

Both: So... you're back.

Insane: Yeah, I'm back. And thanks to you, in a way... no, not that way. How long have you been here?

Enesku: A few months now. I'm a semi-official member of the crew.

Insane: They've finally come to accept you, huh? What did you do, install a new brain, or have you actually matured since I last saw you?

Enesku: I have not "matured", as you put it. I guess the League finally discovered what an asset I could be. I've certainly attracted much attention.

Insane: I believe you. Have you actually... helped on any missions?

Enesku: Yeah, once, I think, when we were vampire slaying. And that time we went back in time to rescue the LICC in the past from Professor Negative...

Insane: Went back in what???

Enesku: Time.

Insane: I know what you said... but you didn't do that... some LICC fans rescued us.

Enesku: And we were those fans... oh, get someone else to explain it to you. I have to... *looks down at console* Hey, the communication systems are offline! What's going on?

Insane: Taconator... or whoever it was... disabled them.

Enesku: Taconator was here? No-one ever tells me these things.

Those two oughta get their own ••••-com, uh, I mean SIT-com.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Chish and Fips is proud to announce that, after a successful test marketing in out Canadian chain, Pucky O'Eh's, we have decided to offer at our U.S. restaurants, for a limited time, a Canadian delicacy.....

Beer-braised Wolverine with Prune & Mint Essence Gravy!

Yes, we take a thick filet of choice wolverine meat, braise it with fine Canadian beer, and serve it with our own concoction, a wonderful gravy made with prunes and mint. Available with your choice of a baked potato and french fries.

Coming soon, at our Trenton, New Jersey restaurant, an in-store appearance by character actor Sam `Lucky' McCluskey, who plays the popular Ensign Snewtishortz on LICC!

At Chish and Fips...we put the `Foo' in `Food'!

I'ma foo fighter.

I thought his name was Ensign Snewtipantz.

Maybe it's his cousin?

Q, as I asked before, would anything happen to my ship, and indeed past events, if the Spidership I is destroyed? Or is it here just to put the LICC in the past?

No, absolutely nothing would happen to your universe as you know it. That's why if the Spider I had been destroyed with all hands, my work would have been wrapped up nice and neatly.

I do have to advise caution here. If you are determined to keep your doubles alive and well, the choices you have could easily do things to the universe you should hope you never experience.

A pair of fighters dropped out of warp next to the Spidership 1. Inside the the Combat Suit's cockpit, A window on the viewscreen had Josh Rikard's face on it.

Josh, take up a defensive position, and don't let anything get close, even if the craft is manned. So far, we've had the Spidership attack, and then a wing of unmanned fighters. I'm sure another wave of attackers will come sooner or later, so be on your guard.

The window closed, and the entire starfield was replace by a view of the Spidership 1's bridge.

Attention Spidership, my name is Commander Adon of the LICC. We are here to protect you from any more attackers. We don't know why you were attacked, but we intend to prevent it again.

Suddenly a small fighter drops out of hyperspace, fires 47 rounds at the Spidership 1 and disappears back into hyperspace before Adon can catch it. The Spidership is unharmed by the 47 spitwads.

Ok... And what would happen if the Spider I is destroyed? The universe would return to relative normality? Or at least as normal as it gets around here?

I'm lonely and I'm frustrated and I bet that once we leave this ship, everyone or everything we ever thought we knew is going to be wrong and different. We shouldn't be here. It's just wrong. It feels wrong. Honestly, Captain Tacoman, this universe doesn't like us. That's why the Taconator kernel in your ship chose this moment to start acting up after being in hibernation for so long. Even the time-space continuum doesn't like us.

I resent incredibly having my universe pulled out from under my feet, but if it wasn't mine to begin with, I guess I have no right to complain.

Milkshake? Quantum Man? Tacquitoboy? Furby? What do the rest of y'all think?

Captain, how would you like to go out? Warp core breach, or being fired on by my ships?
In any case, it's been an honor talking to you and attempting to help you.
Captain Tacoman puts out his hand for a handshake

*POOF!*

An interdimensional portal opens and a strange looking man lands on the bridge of the Spidermobile. He wears an odd looking helmet and the infamous small moustache.

"Excuse me, is tis Stalingrad 1942? No? Oh."

He picks up the still unconscious Furby, knocks at his helmet "Pok Pok Pok" and vanishes with him into the really dark past.

*POOF!*

There are FOUR LIGHTS!

Captain Frangelica does not take Captain Tacoman's proffered hand.

Sheez, you're eager to get started! No you may not blow us up, thank you very much. You bastard, do you have any idea how it feels to have someone who looks like your friend cheerfully offer to blow you up for the sake of some universe you never even liked?

Tacquitoboy, drop us out of warp. And release his ship. Captain Tacoman, with all due respect, get off my ship. You're free. Beat it. Once you're out of range and getting shot at by your own ships and know how it feels, hail us. I give you my word of honor that your precious universe will be all right.

Lopez and the five other Yellow sqaud fighters come out of warp just behind Adon and Rikard. "OK, boys, FC Kiehart won't be happy but if any of those unmanned Banshees get too close to SpiderI you take em down. Otherwise try to diable."

So, where's the rest of the yellowshirt squad?
Ensign Martens: Well sir, they're still back here on the Spidership. They're actually all asleep since their shift doesn't start for another few hours. The redshirts can be launched at any time if you want.
Rikard: No, no, no, no. We have enough. Thanks anyway Ensign, Rikard out.
Six ships appear on Rikard's screen.
Well, Lopez and the Banshee pilots are here, but where are the- oh.
The five unpiloted Banshee fighters drop out of warp and begin to approach the unmoving Spidership I.
Rikard to all ships, we have incoming.
Five unpiloted fighters against eight with pilots. Even with the Banshees in Yellow's less advanced fighters, the battle would undoubtedly be a short one.

I sincerly apologize, Captain. I was being a jerk and a fool, and I didn't mean to make it sound like it did. It was early in the morning for my "author," and he wasn't awake yet. I'm sure that if he was here, he would say the same thing. I don't know what else to say...but if we can still find a way out of this that doesn't involve your destruction, I'm all for it.

But what DO we have to work with? Q, can you-

A collision alarm blares. The Spidermobile III drops both its cloak and its warp field barely half a kilometer from the Spidermobile I. The newer ship's velocity is too high for the proper surprise attack its controller intended, but the Spider III manages to land a few grazing shots before its speed carries it out of range.

Shields at 42%! Perhaps we should activate the Infinite Improbability Drive to escape.

Looks over Captain Tacoman critically
Well, I'll think about it. If you want to do pennace, find someone who can punch Q out and see that it does so. On my behalf.

I see from our monitors that you'll be out of range in ten seconds, so watch closely... you don't get to see this very often!

Shalom v'lo l'hitraot!

addresses Tacoman, Milkshake, Ze French Knight, Pattie, Tacquitoboy, and Quantum Man
We're all agreed then? Good. We've been so quick to do this to everyone else, we should try it ourselves and see how we like it. Everybody think of the most rocking adventure you'd love to have. Got it in mind? Ready?

Frangelica lets fly a burst of energy from her fingers that sends sympathetic vibrations through the space-time continuum itself. Half a second later, a Sphere of Irrelevance forms around the Spidership, trapping the seven superheroes and assorted bovines inside an adventure-world of their own minds. Nothing they say or do has any affect on reality; Captain Tacoman is treated to a mind-bending spectacle of an entire ship cheerfully non-existing itself.

As soon as Captain Frangelica has ceased to exist, the space-time continuum stops vibrating and returns to normal. Well, as normal as can be expected.

Observer, I wish to speak with you about my vision. Somewhere secluded, where no-one can hear us, least of all Enesku.

Enesku, take over tactical.

on seeing the Spider I disappear
Well, that was improbable.

First things first, guys. The Spider is under control of a malevolent force and we need to fix it. Does anyone have any talent in hacking?

Appears holding an axe...

Heeeeerrrrre's Johnny!

Certainly, Peter, we will discuss it at the proper time.

Hello Jack. Haven't seen you in a long time. Here, take these.

(Observer reaches into a pocket and withdraws two expensive Laker tickets. Nicholson grabs them, shouts in glee, and disappears. Observer smiles, and turns toward Milkshake)

I have some experience in hacking, Commander.

Oh sh*t! How are we going to pay for that cameo by Nicholson?

Picks up phone...

Hello, Finance? E.E. here. We've got a problem. Is there any way we can cut budget on LICC? They just got a cameo from Nicholson!

Listens, but all we hear Peanuts-style "wa wa wa"

Hmm... That might work. OK, thanks!

On Board the Spidership III

Suddenly, all displays now look painted on, and the star field displayed by the main screen goes static, even though they are at warp!

Uh oh.

Milkshake quickly gets on the horn to his corporate headquarters. A few sentences later, the screen abruptly goes black.

Captain Tacoman sits at the controls of Insane's ship
Now that was impressive.
Good luck to you, Captain Frangelica and crew, in whatever amazing and cool adventures that you will be involved in.
Commander Milkshake, permission to land in the shuttlebay? I think I've got an idea on who may be controling the Spider. I'm coming home!

New at Wacky Steve's!

Seared Steak-n-Nut Rolls!

Yes, the finest in marinated steak, and lightly salted, roasted mixed nuts with our special sauce, baked in a thick, chewy roll and seared to perfection! Get a Seared Steak-n-Nut roll and a regular Shake today for only $2.99!

A different voice comes on over the picture

Wacky Steve's, Rt. 9, near Hwy 605.

The show comes back on, the displays and screen are normal.

Captain, you have my permission, but I would be careful trying to dock. This thing might decide to take you out as well!

Cool! The Lakers are still around in 3001! I wonder if they're still any good?

Excelent, Commander. I'm coming in.
Tacoman pilots the small ship until it's several kilometers away from the Spidership, and then stops it. He the activates the transporter and beams himself to the bridge, to the suprise of all there
Sorry about that, but at the moment, this was the best option. We can bring in Insane's ship soon. Right now, we've got a problem. I've been thinking about what's been happening, and I think that somehow, Taconator has gained control of the ship...
By the way, when we next see Q, somebody is supposed to "punch him out". It was Captain Frangelica's last request before the Spidership I entered it's own personal universe. Or maybe we can gang up on him or something...

Yes K-NIT Evil excecutive, I will give you ONE MILLION DOLLARS, because we both did graduate from Evil State University, in exchange for HALF OWNERSHIP!

Ha! He's not the REAL Dr. Evil! He didn't put his pinky to his mouth when he said "ONE MILLION DOLLARS"!!!!

I fought the real Dr. Evil back in the 1960's. He's an alien, you know.

Yes. I fought Captain Action & his son years before the creator of that other Dr. Evil was even born.

Aren't there still Stand-ins around? Evil Comic Fan was last seen on the Spidermobile III & the Queue & Visitor #25 were on Gallifrey?

Shhhhhh! It's over. Don't start it up again.

You hold your hosses, boy!

Rikard, Adon, and the banshee pilots in the Yellow fighters land in the bay towing two Banshee fighters with them. Lopez opened his cockpit and took off his helmet and met with Rikard. "It's two bad we were only able to ctatch two of them So that leaves, what 7 Banshees out of the 12 we used to have? That's not too bad I suppose. I'll get the flight crews to work on repairing the ones we brought home." He salutes Rikard. "Pleasure flying with you sir."

Don't you go messing with any of my boys, Texas Kid!

Taconator, I know you're here! We'll find a way to purge you from our system... somehow!

Rikard returns the salute.

Likewise, Lieutenant. I look forward to doing it again sometime.

He looks over at the maintanance workers surrounding his fighter.

Well, I better head back to the bridge

He turns and heads for the fighter bay.

I, of course, meant maintenance. I think.

The next episode of LICC will be premepted for the heart-warming Holiday special, How The LICC Saved Kwistanakahdon*

(Onscreen flashes cheesy-looking animation featuring voices that almost, but not quite sound like the members of LICC, fighting a trio of insipid looking villains.)

Yes, soon to be a Holiday favorite How The LICC Saved Kwistanakahdon is a Rank 'n' Crass Production!

View it with someone you love.

* Kwistanakahdon is a Politically Correct winter celebration designed to combine various beliefs into one holiday designed to make the most money for retailers

[K-NIT News Anchor]: We interrupt this segment of LICC to bring you the following announcement.

Apparently there is a riot occurring at the corporate headquarters of Rank 'n' Crass Productions! We go live to our reporter, Knut Picker. Knut?

cut to remote camera. There are rioters and marchers and people carrying signs saying "Don't Exploit the LICC!

[Knut]: Well, the scene here speaks for itself. Apparently, all the LICC fans (who knew there were this many?) were incensed by the rank and crass Rank 'n' Crass production of "How The LICC Saved Kwistanakahdon". They stormed the Rank 'n' Crass headquarters and took the board of directors hostage. They said they have a list of demands, but the only one they will state right now is that all copies of "How The LICC Saved Kwistanakahdon" must be destroyed. More on this as it develops.

Meanwhile, in an office in the K-NIT 47 building that we haven't seen before, a man with black hair and steel gray eyes sits at a desk.

I just know Evil-E has to be up to something. What, I haven't figured out quite yet. But when I do....

Mr. Neidhart, here's some corporate mail for you!

Neidhart opens the mail, and a pink slip falls out. It reads, "Mr. Neidhard, you have one-half hour to pack up your desk. Sincerely, E.E.".

Um, didn't anyone hear Obsy? He said he had some experience in hacking.

Don't worry, Mr Neidhart, this letter is apparently intended for someone else. Observe, it says "Neidhard", while your name is Neidhart.

Mr. Neidhart, you have 15 minutes to pack up your desk and leave. Sincerely, E.E.

A portal opens.

A man steps out, a familiar man, onto the bridge. He holds a small green crystal in his hand. He jams it into a console on the computer. The crystal begins to glow. He tosses the crystal to Captain Tacoman.

"In a few seconds that litle piece of Taconator will be no more. But don't get to thinking big. That crystal's not big enough to get the whole guy if we ever run into him again."

Tacoman nods. "Welcome back Jason."

Kiehart, hi.
Rikard subtly taps his communicator and mutters...
Rikard to Lopez. Heads up. The Flight Commander is back.
He turns back to Kiehart.
So, what's new?

Kiehart smiles and tosses his coat aside. "So, how's Banshee squadron doing?"

Exxxxxxxxxxxxcellent! And once all other copies of How the LICC Saved Kwistanakahdon are destroyed, MY copies will rise in value and I'll be able to auction them for a small fortune. Hahahahahahahaha!

The Banshees? Adon, Josh, I think you should explain.
Ok... what we need is a holiday adventure! Where is Kwistanakahdon being celebrated, and how easy is it to go there?

We still have Taconator to deal with. Observer says he's experienced at hacking.

Taconator? I thought Kiehart trapped the kernel of him in this crystal?
Unless...

Yeah, I think Kiehart ended the Taconator threat Pete. As for the Banshees... Kiehart, you better head down to the fighter bay. Lopez will tell you all about it.

With that, he sits back down at his console.

I don't think we've seen the last of him... I doubt that such a small manuever with a crystal like that would restrain such a powerful force as Taconator.

But until he rears his ugly head again, should I speak with you now, Observer?

Kiehart chuckles. "Well that's not the big guy in that crystal, just a, how did Frangelica put it? A kernel of his personality? Anyway those crystals are hard to find. That's the largest intact piece of that type I've seen in over a year, and it has to be uncracked to be able to hold any energy beings. The big Taconator is still out there and he's got the Blue Fugates with him remember? Anyway, I'm going to check on my fighters."

Is it me, or does the LICC seem less... heroic than the early LICC?

Yeah! They used to be heroes, now they just push a button and problem solved! That's not good. That's not good at all.

It really wouldn't stop me, no, not at all. You're that little fool-boy who I couldn't kill, aren't you?

Several forcefields snap into place around Kiehart.

I'm just sick of you all now. Let's see if any of you will survive this!

The Spidermobile, its controls locked, enters a course heading straight toward the nearest star.

Rikard throws his hands into the air in frustration. Luckily, they stay connected to his arms.

I give up. This ship pilots itself more than I do. It doesn't need a helm officer. I think I'll just blast the console.

Observer, get to that hacking, and quickly!
Milkshake, our suits can interface and interact with the ship's computer! Maybe we can get in there and attempt to fight Taconator!
Somebody get down to the computer core and perform radical surgery of a HAL kind on Taconator!
And somebody try and get a course change, in a hurry!

Kiehart walks right through the forcefield. "Weak. Figures. That crystal should have destroyed that kernel by now. I'll bet the real Taconator doesn't even know what's happening." The light inside the crystal dims slightly, and parts of the Spidership return to normal. Kiehart looks at his watch. For the first time the crew notices he has a watch, becuase he didn't have one when he left. "Yep, give it about ten seconds."

Colanator morphs out of the deck plates of the bridge. Tacoman looks relieved and begins to ask him to help fix the computer core, when the android engineer pulls a sonic pistol, aims at the crystal...

SHREEEEEEEEEEE-SHASH!

Kiehart's crystal shatters into a trillion glittering pieces. Colanator smiles, then fires at each console. He manages to destroy three, including Conn, before Kiehart attacks him. His gun leaves great gaping holes in the possessed engineer, but quick as a flash, the liquid metal android grabs the Wanderer's leg with one tendril. Colanator morphs back into the deck, pulling Kiehart with him for a short ways, then releasing him. Kiehart screams as half of his leg is rematerialized into the solid tritanium decking.

Hard to keep you in one place, fool-boy, but this should work! Ha ha ha! 4 minutes, ladies and gentlemen!

Artsy has spent the recent crisis in engineering with Ansh, attempting to learn something useful in order to help with the Taconator threat. The incident on the bridge sets off an alarm on a nearby console and the artist flashes a sickening greenish-blue as she takes in the information. Then she spins her chair towards Ansh. "Truth and Light! Is there any way we can track Taconator in the computer system?"

As she waits for an answer, Artsy vows that if they live through this one, she is definately going to take night lessons from Colonator and others so she's not such a useless member of such a fine crew...!

Let's see....

Ansh uses her consol to try and track Taconator in the computer

He doesn't appear to be in the computor! Come on Artsy let's find Colanator and get his help!

Captain Tacoman to sickbay, we need medical assistance up here!
Butrfli, who is back working in sickbay, hears the call both on the comm and in her head. She attepts to enter the turbolift, which refuses to open, so she uses her own teleport spell, and is soon on the bridge. She rushes to Kiehart, who is obviously the one in need of medical help.
Holy...how did this happen? I might have a spell that can help...
Butrfli begins chanting and then touches the floor where Kiehart's leg is stuck. Soon, the spot begins melting and parting, allowing Tacoman to pull Kiehart up and Butrfli to examine his leg
It looks pretty bad. Where the leg met the plating, there's fractures, blood vessel ruptures...My magic can't do this. I need to get him to sickbay.
With that, Butrfli takes Kiehart's hand, chants, and dissapears, reappearing in sickbay.
Computer, activate EMH!

The Doctor appears and begins talking in a very high pitched voice.

Please state the nature of the medical emergency. Ha! Ha! Hee! Hee! Ho! Ho! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!!!

Butrfli rushes to get the EMH's portable emitter, finds a saner version of the Doctor's program on a PADD not connected to the computer, inserts the program into the emitter, and attaches it to the Doctor. She presses a few buttons, the Doctor fizzles, blinks, and returns to normal.
Doctor, we have an emergency, and the computer has been taken over by Taconator!

activates lightsaber, ready for Colanator to reform

When I said reform, I meant re-form out of the deckplates, not reform his ways...

Shnikes!

very quietly moves the star but leaves its spatial graviton field in place so that the ship is now zooming towards a relatively hard-to-get-out-of but otherwise harmless spatial graviton field

Ok.. I want anybody who can hack a computer and get rid of a virus to get to work. If we can't shake Taconator, we may have to eject the computer core.

(Observer has been busily tapping on a console.)

I've worked on computer systems more advanced than this one and I can't make any headway! It looks like Taconator can even create new processors and memory banks at will, so even after I purge his presence from one, three more take its place. I do know a few tricks, but...

(A searing arc of electricity blasts Observer away from the console.)

Ow.

(Suddenly a reader of the LICC boards appears on the Bridge)

I have an idea!

(She runs over and quickly types something into the ship's computer)

I just put KAM's explanation of the Stand-in Storyline into the computer and if that doesn't give Taconator a headache, nothing will.

Happy Kwistanakahdon.

(Before the LICC can ask this young woman who she is & what was she babbling about she disappears from the Bridge & reappears back back in front of her computer)

Whoa! Kewwwwwwl!

(Meanwhile Taconator gets the computer equivalent of a migraine headache)

Wait! That's okay, but I know exactly what would drive Taconator COMPLETELY CRAZY. Anyone have the latest HVD boxed set of MST3k, the first series? See if they come with unMiSTed copies of Manos: The Hands of Fate, Monster-A-Go-Go, and Invasion of the Neptune Men! Shoot all three of those into the computer's neural net and set to repeat!

Let me go check the ship's library.
Tacoman goes down to the library and checks the movie collection, coming up with the things Milkshake requested and goes back up to the bridge
Found them. Luckily, the library is on a different circuit then the rest of the ship.
It's also lucky that we have the spare computer core that holds the same information that the main computer core does. If it becomes necessary to destroy the main core, we'll need it.
Tacoman looks at the viewscreen
Is that another board heading this way?

CRUNCH!

By some quirk of space and time, the new board slams directly into the old board, smashing it to pieces. Everyone survives, but the entire universe is ruined. On the bridge of the Spidermobile, a previously unseen hatch opens, leading to an identical bridge of an identical Spidermoible in an identical universe.

To the new board, everyone!