Phew. Yep, nothing like that new board smell.

Uh, sorry about that... I had burritos for lunch.

Suddenly, a hatch opens on the floor of the bridge, and Captain Tacoman emerges.
Nice board.

In Zen Forward, which due to an internal communications glitch doesn't yet know about Taconator's return, several crewmembers celebrate Kwistanakahdon. One of them spins the tradleoss which lands on the side displaying 47 kernals of corn and he wins a present. However since it's Tuesday and he's wearing a blueshirt he's able to trade presents with any participant wearing a kilt, unless the kilt wearer is also sporting a Vulcan haircut in which the blueshirt must then present a logical argument for why the trade must be done. Except in the event that the ship happens to be passing through a trinary star system where the best Three Stooges imitation will decide the winner.

Bah, humbug!

Bah, humbug!

Bah, humbug!

sidles up to Observer, and whispers to him:

Observer, I must speak with you. If I told you my dream was prophetic, and that I didn't know when its events would come to pass, would you listen?

Perhaps you could take me to the Observer realm, that way we could return the instant we left.

(Observer looks appropriately curious.)

Certainly. Captain, we will return shortly.

(Observer opens a rift, and the pair steps through. Several extremely subjective minutes later, Insane and Observer reach a small meditation chamber not far from the Great Temporal Nexus itself. An everburning candle and two woven mats are the only decorations in the chamber, which is hewn out of the same peach-coloured stone that the entire complex appears to be constructed from. Observer sits crosslegged on one mat and motions Insane to do the same. When both are seated, Observer speaks.)

What is this dream you have experienced, Peter?

It was more a vision than a dream... I experienced it like a particularly vivid dream, but always afterwards I remembered it as if it actually happened. I don't know the specific details, but Enesku was a Jedi, and captain of the Spidership. It was because of this that I returned to the LICC; both directly because I wanted to find out if this was already the case, and also because the dream reminded me of the times I had with you, and I missed you all.

But about the dream: Am I crazy?

(Observer thinks a minute, then says...)

No, of course you are not crazy. Peter, the amazing thing about the Time/Space Continuum is that the future is always changing. Often the Observers will be able to discern a static, stable future, but this is highly dependent of the events of the present. The future can change at any time, for any reason. Some beings can actually attune their minds to the changing possibilities within the timeline itself. It is quite possible this is what happened to you.

Most beings who are fortunate enough to possess this sense find it a great benefit because they are able to predict the consequences of their actions before they make them. Many Observers have this sense. I possess it myself, in fact, but to a very limited extent. I can only forsee catastrophic events in the very near future. I would like to ask one thing. May I, as well as a few colleagues, test you to see if you truly exhibit this sense?

Yes, you may, if it doesn't take too long. How does the test work?

(Some time later)

Peter Insane lies on a comfortably cushioned stone slab, on one of the many ledges in the gargantuan "chamber" that contains the Great Temporal Nexus. If Peter looks to his right he can glimpse the massive sphere of dizzying colors, sights, and sounds. Observer stands beside him, eyes closed, apparently mediatating. Three more Observers, likewise clad in brown robes, approach. One is a handsome human, of a race that Insane can't quite identify. One is a lizard-type being, a biped, with turreted eyes and sharp claws. The third resembles nothing so much as a living, tangible shadow. The three Observers stand near the lieutenant and Observer and each asks a question. The human speaks first.)

"Does the being display the signs?"

(Without opening his eyes, Observer answers.)

Yes.

(The lizard speaks next.)

"Doesss the beingk wisssh to be tesssted?"

Yes.

(Then the shadow-creature.)

Ñ iF tHE bEING hAS tHE gIFT, wILL yOU aSSIST hIM iN dEVELOPING iT, iF hE sO wISHES?

Yes.

(All four Observers speak at once.)

Then

"let"

"usss"

Ñ bEGIN.

Begin... begin what? You're not going to slice open my head open, are you? Or give me some sort of mind-patch? Can't Observer assist me... back on the ship?

Meanwhile, back on the Spidership, Artsy and Ansh are attempting to monitor the success rate of Milkshake's plan against the Taconator fragment in the computer....which seems to be more resilient that predicted!

Milkshake, is Colanator still rampaging around the ship? And if he is, how will we get Taconator out of him?

I don't know WHAT Colanator's up to, Captain, but I wouldn't suggest going after him. Taconator's presence is fighting, but I think I know what'll get rid of him for good.

Computer, access closed classified locked secure encrypted deleted forgotten security file, code name RATLIFF. Feed complete contents into neural net and refresh data at top speed.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Do not worry, Peter. It will not require anything...invasive.

(And with that, Peter Insane's conciousness slips away, and enters the maelstrom that is the Nexus.


...

...


Chaos and Order, all at once.

No way else to describe it. Peter glimpses shreds of thousands of timeframes at once. Information flows into him nearly too fast to handle. He fears his mind will be lost into the raging froth of will-bes and should-bes and can-bes and won't-bes. And then, he feels another mind gently probe his own. One time-frame out of the thousands he's seen fills his mind's eye, and that other mind calmly asks him what he sees. In a subjective instant, some barrier in his mind opens and he sees millions of possibilities for that one time-frame, some immediate and most extending into the far future. He can calculate possibilities based on future possibilities, and the chances of those based on the possibilities that come after. The other mind seems to draw back in surprise, for a moment, then presents him with another frame to analyze.

Near the end, Peter doesn't know how many presents and pasts and futures he's seen, but as he finds his conciousness returning, the memory of what he's seen slowly fades away. Farther...and farther...and then...he awakes.

He is still lying on the slab, the Nexus burning and arcing and flashing as much as ever. The three other Observers are gone, and the one familiar to him is standing beside him, lost in thought.)

Rikard leans over a console, looking at its display screen.
Oh man. Geez. I'm sorry, but that program is just brutal

Wayne's voice comes over Cmdr Milkshake's communicator.

We've been monitoring the situation. Quincy's been working on something, but it looks like he's not going to have it ready in time. He asked me to tell you that he recommends unleashing the Manilow virus, if all else fails.

Her name is Lola,
she was a showgirl...

Tacoman looks over Rikard's shoulder to see the RATLIFF program and pales
My god... that is a brutal program. Let's hope that afterwards, the computer doesn't replicate only strawberry drinks and gives us odd misspellings...
Commander, what if I find "Plan Nine From Outer Space" and the director's cut of "Manos" and plug them right into his logic circuits? Or would that cause him to destroy both himself and the ship?

I wouldn't, if I were you-- probably do more damage to us than to him. Even I can cure the Manilow virus, and I can't even make my pocket calculator sit up and bark. So it probably wouldn't even phase Taconator.

Meanwhile in Port Mike, a Cyberian operative uncovers a thousand year old disk with an intelligent computer virus on it.

Hi! How are you? I send you this document in order to have your advice!

[Attached: Secret Anti-Taconator Plans.doc]

Here we go. Uploading the RATLIFF file, full intensity!

Everything is quiet, then a hideous electronic screech fills the ship. Colanator, who had been morphed into the ceiling about to pounce on Tacoman, falls to the deck, twitching. The lights flash on and off a few times, then all is still.

After a few moments, Colanator remorphs himself.

Diagnostics running....done. All systems nominal. No trace of Taconator program anywhere in neural net. I'll be returning to my duties now.

His voice shakes as he speaks
I saw... I saw... I can't remember... I can only remember the feeling... lots of images... streams of information hitting me faster than I could imagine... I expect you already know. I think they were alternative futures... but because I can't make sense of them, does this mean I have the power or I haven't?

You do have the power. Far greater than any Observer has. I am troubled by this, Peter. The timeline, excuse my saying so, says that you have no real purpose, no destiny. Your future is clouded more than any other being's. This both fascinates, and worries us. You do have great power, but we do not know how you will use it...

Then shall we return?

Tacoman looks down at Colanator
Looks like we did that just in time.
Ok.. on to the next adventure...

(Observer appears a little taken aback at Insane's comment.)

I'm not sure you understand the importance of this discovery. Finding a being with a destiny we cannot predict is unsettling, and even frightening. You see, you are dealing with a very meticulous group of people. They get very nervous in unexpected situations, and this discovery was most unexpected. I would like to have you stay, at least until my colleagues can discover something of your origin, of how you came by this power, and your future as well. Of course the choice is up to you.

I would rather return now. You can study me if you want, and report to the Observers.

As for my origin, I was born in America on Earth in 2977 to non-Force talented parents. And, yes, they are my real parents.

You Observers are children.

(Patricia's contemptous remark comes from behind Insane & The Observer)

Afraid of the unknown. Do you sleep with nightlights on?

If Insane has such a great power then why isn't his future known? The greater effect one can have the more obvious the outcome. The fact that his future is unknown indicates that he chose to squander his power instead of using it.

(She paused and looked straight at The Observer)

Or perhaps it means he was killed to prevent him from using his power by those who were afraid of what he could do with it.

In 2748 a loose assortment of androids, robots, computer and other mechanical intelligences founded the Cyberian Alliance demanding, among other things, equal rights with organic intelligences. The Galactic Order agreed with some of their demands, but not all. However things were peaceful until 2774 when the Cyberian Alliance attacked starting the Cyber War. By 2821 it was believed that the Cyberian Alliance was no more.

(Observer stares just as hard at Patricia)

What you fail to recognize, lady, is that there are forces at large in the universe beyond our control. I'm sure you can testify to that. Did you perhaps realize that the beings most equipped to change the future for good or evil have uncertain futures?

(Observer's voice becomes deadly quiet)

And are you insinuating that we would take his life? If so, I would warn you to be very careful in this realm. If we are wanton murderers who eliminate the slightest possible threat to us, you would not last a bare subjective minute. You know us, and you know would NEVER be so cruel.

(Observer begins to look angry again)

As for our being 'children', a little caution goes a long way. Perhaps we should withdraw from the universe completely. Perhaps we should undo every change we've made to the timeline since our founding. Would that make you feel better, to have every intelligent being live in a period of chaos so random and dangerous that sentient thought is nearly useless, simply because you feel the timeline should not be trusted to 'children' like us??

A threat to my life? (an amused smirk forms) How quaint. Odd how it's the little things that remind one of childhood.

As for 'trusting the timeline to you'... The KILL counterparts of the Observers felt they controlled the timeline as well. Using their powers to manipulate events to their choosing. Except that control is an illusion. Events would spin out of their control and they would ally themselves with powerful people & groups they also thought they could control.

Good & evil are subjective concepts. One entity's good is another's evil. If an Observer decided that another entity represented a great evil it wouldn't surprise me that they would justify any attempt to stop it.

As for 'uncertain futures' it sounds to me like you people have a blind spot in your precognitive abilities. Unable to discern the true future, and focusing instead on alternate futures.

If it weren't for chaos then sentient thought would not exist. Adapting to change, taking advantage of a random occurence, understanding how precious something is because it can be gone in an instant. Would any of that exist in an orderly universe?

(Meanwhile at the Acme Redshirt Corporation's Tokyo branch, Robotics division* Robot Redshirt has been called to a meeting with his maker)

Professor: (takes his bubble pipe out of his mouth) Ah, Robot Redshirt, come in my bot. I have good news for you. (he turns to the other robots in the room) For all of you actually. The Galactic Order's objection to your existence has been overturned. They're convinced you won't become another Cyberian Alliance. (turns to Robot Redshirt) It also means that you can go back to working with LICC.

That's great news. I did not realize that LICC was back at Earth.

It's not. The Spidermobile is currently in deep space. However, we have a prototype for a Really Long Distance Transporter.

Robot Cleaner: Oh, dear. It was nice knowing you, sir. (shakes his hand)

Project G.I.E.S.H.A.: I'll miss you. (kisses him)

Big Rig: Bad break, little buddy.

Robot Bartender: Can I have your spare parts?

Thanks guys. RB my spare parts are not compatible with your systems. Why would you want them.

Robot Bartender: I can sell 'em for extra cash.

No, you can't have my spare parts.

Robot Bartender: Aw, scrap. It's not like you'll need them.

When do I leave, Professor?

Professor: Right now, my bot. Just step into this cubicle. (he does that) Now while there is absolutely no danger, the rest of you may want to step back a bit. (the other robots step back 5 meters while the Professor puts on some protective clothing) A little further than that. (the other robots step back another 5 meters while the Professor puts on more protective clothing) Further still. (the robots step back 10 more meters while the Professor puts on yet more protective clothing) Perfect. We can always decontaminate you later, if need be. (the Professor steps into a heavily shielded control booth and activates the controls)

(on the Bridge of the Spidermobile a wheezing, groaning sound is heard and the form of Robot Redshirt starts to appear, then disappear, then reappear with his parts rearranged, then disappear and reappear with his head on backwards, two tentacles and the tail of a horse, then disappear and reappear completely normal. When materialization stopped he fell backwards to the deck with a clatter. A helpful blueshirt pushed his reset button and he popped back up)

Robot Redshirt reporting for duty, sir. Can I use the Communication systems to report my successful transport?

(he gets permission)

Professor, I have arrived at the Spidermobile with no problems. Tell Robot Bartender to stay away from my spare parts.

Robot Bartender: (counting a wad of cash) Too late.

* See LICC2 XXX for more information

Um... can I return to the Spider while the two of you have a verbal spar... at least before it turns into any other kind of spar? I get enough of this from Enesku.

A black, noxious puff of smoke appears on the Spidership and from it comes a dark-haired girl with glowing red eyes wearing a black & red fuku and holding a wicked looking three-pronged dagger

I am Sailor Evil!!!

Errr, just a minute. Please put down those weapons and loaded fingers. I'm not evil evil, it's my name. See? She opens her ID Griselda Ethylene Evil. I mean, gee, you don't expect me to call myself Sailor Griselda, do ya? I was here a few months ago when you all were turned into anime characters. Normally I work with the Sailor Subs waiting for when the main Sailors call in sick, which they almost never do, and that gets so boring that I thought I'd try out for your group.

What'ya say?

You could have called yourself Ethelyne.

Don't be ridiculous, Patricia. You know just as much about Primal Universe Theory as I do.

The KILL Observers were an anomaly. They were the only copy of our group to appear in another universe. We're still puzzling over how the KILL universe came about, but we're sure it was artifically-made.

We do not govern the timeline based on our own will, Patricia. You might ask one of my collegues to introduce you to the Superiors, but don't expect them to.

Shall we continue this discussion at a later time? We need to be going. Nice to speak to you.

(Observer grins, gestures, and he and Insane disappear)

Since his return to the bridge of the Spidermobile, Peter Insane has been staring at Enesku, as he thinks about what is in store for her. A jedi? A captain? And in his vision she didn't look much older than she does now. Enesku notices the stare, misunderstands it, and adjusts her hair in response. Peter Insane knows what he must do. All three of them together, this is the best chance. He walks up to Enesku and speaks loudly.

Observer! *Observer looks round.* I hereby take Enesku as my padawan apprentice.

Observer's expression is, as usual, difficult to determine, but there is a hint of surprise. If Observer had been expecting this, he certainly hadn't been expecting it at this precise moment. Of course, it is perfectly expectable for Insane to leap in and say or do something to soon, before the time is right.

Enesku just looks horrified, yet slightly amused. "Apprentice? What are you talking about?"

Jedi Apprentice.

"You want me to be your jedi apprentice? When have I ever shown any intention to become a jedi? You're strange. You scare me. That is, if anything scared me, but it doesn't. Just... I think I'll stay away from you."

Enesku gets up from her console and runs into a turbolift.

But... Observer shakes his head, and Peter Insane stops. He realises it isn't a good idea to tell everyone about what he saw, and that it would be futile to pursue Enesku. He sits down at the nearest console, and puts his head in his hands. The vision disturbed him... and yet now, here he is, disturbed that it might not come to pass.

Padawan, how will you take on a student of your own, when you have not even passed the Trials and become a Knight?

Rocket Ranger walks onto the bridge, wearing his slimmed down armor (the version with the cape attached and his arms exposed), except for the helmet.

Captain, we've just finished installing my newest creation on the spidership. It took well over eight and a half hours, thanks to the yellowshirts for helping. Otherwise we'd still be working on the upgrade well into next week!

He pauses, then walks over to a console and taps some buttons. A schematic comes up on one monitor, and the viewscreen switches to a long-distance view of the spidership. The only noticable difference is that the hull is now a shade lighter in color.

Multiple Amplitude Armor. Doesn't have any adverse affects on the pre-existing armor, and is fully compatible with it and with the ship's shields. What the Multiple Amplitude Armor does it repulse certain energy-based lifeforms, so that they can't board the ship without permission. In addition, I've designed it so that when the shields are raised and a maximum power, any such lifeform won't be in any condition to try to board a second time. At least not for a while, anway. He pauses. I've fixed it so that both Quantum Man and myself and can pass through without any danger.

I... I wasn't thinking straight. I'm still reeling from the effects of my time in the observer realm, or wherever it was. I need rest. I'll feel like myself when I wake up.

He leaves the bridge, shaking noticably, and returns to his quarters.

Computer, deactivate lights. And deactivate communications, except in an emergency.

In his dream, he finds himself standing in the dark. There is no light anywhere, but he can feel the presence of a few shapes approaching him. He feels they are hostile. His hand reaches down to his lightsaber hilt, hanging at his belt. A long red blade comes into existence, and provides some light. It is being held by the humanoid at the front, who, in the newly created light, is revealed to be wearing the uniform of a member of the Frank conspiracy. Peter Insane looks down at his own costume, and discovers to his alarm that it too is black. But he realises that there is no reverse "47" on it which denotes a Frank, it is in fact a jedi costume. He pulls his saber from his belt, and switches it on. A reassuringly green blade slides out, and glows in the darkness. The features of the Frank are now clear. Human male, short cropped yellow hair. It is Praetorius. There are a few other humans in Frank costume behind him, but they are not recognisable, and do nothing. The two blades meet, and clash. A duel begins, a slow and uncertain duel, involving little physical movement besides the arms. But Frank Praetorius has other plans. With one of his strokes he lunges for the neck, and Peter Insane has to take stronger defensive action. The fight becomes faster and more furious, until...

he wakes up. He gasps, but it is not the effect of the dream, which he know clearly acknowledges as such. He sits up... and moments later regrets doing so, as he collapses to the floor, only having moments to call "security!" in a strangled voice. He passes out.

A minute or so later, two security guards come in, and reactive the lights. Insane is taken to sickbay, where he wakes up.

What happened?

"You had a seizure," the doctor says. "It wasn't life-threatening, but no doubt it brought you pain. As you probably know, you are not the real Peter Dionysus Insane, but a reconstruction."

Yes, I remember that, although I try to forget. When my pattern was lost in the transporter beam the engineering team had to create a new body for me. My mind is still the same.

"Exactly. Well, it seems you have a problem with it. And the fact that you haven't used a transporter in a long time means that this problem has had time to develop. I ran you through a transporter before you awoke, but it won't be as long before it happens again. I will attempt to come up with an antidote."

Thanks, doc. I'll go back to my quarters.

Very good, Rocket. I'm sure we'll make good use of it.
Tacoman looks over Sailor Evil
Hmm.. Well, I guess we can let you join a few adventures, to test you out.
So what kind of Sailor powers do you have?

In the Holodeck, two blades meet. They separate and meet again. Two individuals are having a furious duel. The blades meet, the sounds of steel against steel echoing throughout the room.

Zorro: You are getting better. Some day, you may be able to defeat me.

He parries several attacks from his opponent.

Rikard: I think I'll get it sooner or later.
Zorro: Yes. So tell me: why have you picked me to spar with?
Rikard: Well, even after 1,000 years, you're still one of the best swordsman ever. I thought making a swordsman in your form would make the experience more real. Besides, it was either you or Inigo, a musketeer, another Jedi, Dominic, Grenta, Alexander-

Zorro took a step back and lowered his sword.

Zorro: Wait, how many great swordsman does the world have?
Rikard: It's been around for a while. There have been a lot.
As he begins to lunge, his communicator chirps. He sighs and takes it out.

Rikard: Computer, freeze program. Rikard here.
Lt. Thomas: Sir, Thomas here! Something strange just happened on the bridge...
Rikard: That's not exactly an unusual occurrence Lieutenant.
Thomas: Well sir, it's about Lt. Insane.
Rikard: What about him?
Thomas: I'll patch it through to you.

A viewscreen by Rikard's head lights up. It shows everything that happened on the bridge and in Sickbay.

Rikard: Oh...my...God. What the H-?
Thomas: I thought you'd like to know sir.
Rikard: Holy cr-
Thomas: Sir?
Rikard: Enesku? As his Padawan? He's got to be kidding. Is he insane? Dumb question.
Thomas: Commander.
Rikard: Hmm? Oh, thank you Lieutenant. I'll see you later. Rikard out. Computer where are Enesku and Lt. Insane?
Computer: Enesku is on Deck 6, Section 2. Lt. Insane is in his quarters. Thank you. Computer, end program.

Rikard left the Holodeck and headed for Insane's quarters.

Artsy is sitting in her quarters (as Quito sleeps) contemplating her general uselessness in the recent crisis, not to mention others. Coming to a quick decision, she types in a message and has it sent in bulk to the screen of every ranking officer on the Spidership"

Wanted: a teacher in something other than art. Will pay in portrait sittings or something similar. Engineering, programming or hacking, piloting, or whatever...! I could use the training, you could probably use my hands.
~~Artsy-Fartsy

Ensign Snewtipantz is in his quarters, reading the intergalactic news on a monitor. A particular article catches his eye:

Ambassador Flakenflugel of the Rhythulian Empire will be arriving at Nimval XI for a symposium. A noted artisan skilled at combining clay with animal pelts to make highly collectable bowls and pots, the ambassador will then travel to Trais to negotiate a trade agreement.

Ensign Snewtipantz looks up from the monitor.

Interesting. I should take my vacation and attend. After all, its not every day that you get the chance to see a master of Hairy Pottery!

Ensign Who: Hey, RR, good to see you back.

Robot Redshirt: Thank you.
Rocket Ranger: Thanks.

Ensign What: Hey, RR, how was Earth?

Robot Redshirt: What I saw seemed fine.
Rocket Ranger: I haven't been on Earth.

Ensign Idontknow: Hey RR, did you hear the bad news about Qunicy?

Rocket Ranger: Now, this is getting confusing.
Robot Redshirt: How about if I go by Rob for short?

Not surprisingly the first "person" wanting to teach Artsy-Fartsy something is small and furry.

Hm, I need a nice portrait for the Furby Gallery. What do you want to learn, Artsy?

Tacoman notices Artsy's message on his chair console
Tacoman to Artsy, I have an idea... perhaps you could assist the various departments and learn from them. I'm sure the crew would be happy to be of assistance to you. I, for one, would be happy to help you in a variety of things. And with the magic users on board, they could teach you a variety of magic.

To Enesku before she leaves
Sailor Ethelyne??? No thanks. That would make me sound like an unleaded gasoline.

To Tacoman
Well, I can do those really cool glowing red eyes, speak in a deep, baritone voice, produce noxious smoke, cast an all-pervading gloom... the Bridge is temporarily plunged into blackness and a redshirt is heard to trip, scream and fall, accompanied by sounds of falling pots and pans Ooops! Sorry. She blushes

Oh, yeah, I can also use the knife to perform circumcisms. Several male members of the crew involuntarily flinch

Alright! Alright!

You already have enough magicians who blur together. You can only have another magician if there is something unique to his or her powers. Say speaking a spell, or using a magic item, or something that makes their magic different from any other magic user in the crew.

Diversity! Diversity! Diversity! No one likes repetition.

in his quarters
Insane to Artsy, I could teach you some tactical and elementary piloting skills, if you'd like.

A digital-sounding 'Hail to the Chief' his heard. Someone is at the door.

Come in. *switches off channel to Artsy.*

Rikard enters.

Hi, Josh.

I can't believe these nerds managed to start a fan-club based on a typo.

Outside of Insane's quarters, Rikard's comm chirps. As he reaches to hit Insane's chime, he activates it and the small visual screen comes to life. He reads the message from Artsy.

Hmm. Interesting. I should talk to her about this. See if she wants to try piloting or engineering...
Insane: Come in

He looks up as Insane's doors open.

Insane: Hi, Josh.
Hey Pete. One question: Are you crazy?! What in the Milky Way makes you think that Enesku can learn the ways of the Force, Lifeblood, Schwartz, Ultimate Power, whatever?! I thought you weren't too fond of her. In fact, I thought you two kind of, you know, despised each other. Are you, pardon my asking, insane, you know, with a lower case "i"?

Artsy, I could teach you some engineering skills.

grabs Josh by the collar
This is an interesting emotional outburst for you, Mr Rikard. What's come over you? Would you rather train her yourself? I'm sure you'd enjoy that. Though not that much training would go on, I'll bet that.

Kiehart leaves sickbay, extremely PO'ed. "There must've been another kernel of Taconator in there. That crystal has NEVER failed me. NEVER!" He screams at the air, then storms off towards the fighter bay to check on his squad. Suddenly he gets an idea. He runs to a nearby panel and enters in a sequence. He call the bridge. "Captain, I think there may be tiny bits of Taconator residue all over the ship. I can flood the ship with a certain low level type of energy field that can highlight those bits. Some will be so small they can't really hurt us, but we should try to purge them anyway."

Train her myself? I'd rather not attempt to train her at all. And what do you mean I'd "enjoy" it? I'm barely a Knight. I can't really train anyone. Besides, right now, I really don't want to train anyone.

Plus, even if she wanted to be a Jedi or a Lifeblood Sorcerer or a Knight of Peace or anything similar, how do you know she has the ability to become one?

I think you know perfectly well why you would enjoy it, Josh. And how do I know she has the ability to become one. I don't... but I can... sense it... it is not your business.

Look, I'm sorry I just came in here like this accusing you of acting irrationally. As for why I'd enjoy it, I think I'm pretty much past that.
About you sensing her ability, do you want to tell me about that? It's better to tell someone than keep it a secret from all of us.

No, Taconator's all gone, and yes, your crystal failed you. Deal with it.

T: Lick me cheese-whiz.

Sailor Evil can produce noxious smoke?

Has she tried Beano or Gas-X to stop that?

Hay! Hoo r u kolleen uh nerd?

Hello, Artsy. I can teach you to be a galaxy-class spaceship racer. Also I know a little trick to keep the Universal Translator from matching my lip movements when I speak. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Ha ha ha.

So, Artsy, you want me to 'teach' you a few things? Wink wink, nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

Welcome to the LICC, Sailor Evil. May you become a great hero and a great crew member.

Meanwhile, in another part of the ship, a redshirt is carrying a board proclaming where the New Year's Day party will be. He encounters another redshirt.
Redshirt 2: So, where'd you get the sign?
Redshirt 1: From a guy named Lang... he's pretty old, and didn't need it anymore.
Redshirt 2: So basically, it's Old Lang's Sign then, right?
Redshirt 1: Correct.
Both redshirts slip on a banana peel left by a passing gorilla and are sliced in half by the sign

Artsy checks her messages after taking Quito to Zen Forward for lunch. Much to her pleased surprise, there 7. Much less pleasing is the content of a couple of them, and the artist flashes from pinkish-red to purple to yellow and pale green as she flips through the different offers:

"Furby--oh my." She giggles. "I think I'd have to hire someone to chaperone the sessions. That's a no...."

"The Captain...huh, rotating on assignment with different crew members is a pretty good idea." Artsy muses over her potential to do magic and decides that particular skill would be out of her league.

"Insane--well, I guess he could teach me a lot. I've never worked closely with him before...."

"Rikard. Hmm. I'm not sure if I want to learn piloting right now.... Kiehart would probably have a fit if I went near those fighters."

"Ansh--what a sweetie. Maybe I could rotate between those 3."

Her eyes bug out at the last 2. "Well, I don't want to be a deep space racer. And I have no desire to get 'involved' with an ensign. Bet he's a redshirt anyways...." With one push of a button those messages are deleted.

She sits back in her chair to contemplate which offer she should choose, and then puts a call through to Rikard....

Rikard, I must not tell you. No-one knows except for me and... Observer. Enesku doesn't know, and I'd like to keep it that way.

His eyes flash red slightly

If I tell you, no doubt Enesku would find some way of... getting the information out of you, especially when you're in some secluded spot together.

The red flash turns into a mischievous glint, and he grins at Rikard's expression of confusion and dibelief.

Off you go, Rikard... whenever I hear something startling I need to be alone for a while to think it over, no doubt you're the same. See ya!

He walks over to a replicator.

Hot chocolate, double standard quantities.

Kiehart steps into the launch bay, and stops dead in his tracks at what he sees. Half his Banshee fighters are missing, and 2/3 of the ones in the bay look like they've just survived a war. "WHAT THE @$#! HAPPENED HERE?!?" Lt.JG Lopez cringes as he hears the shout, and steps forward to explain the situation with the Taconator Kernels.

Rikard sees Insane's eyes flash. What the-? is all that he manages to say before Insane ushers him out the door. He soon finds himself back out in the corridor.

Oh for the love of- she's only 16! Or something like that. Sure she looks like a 21 year old but she's not.
Great, now Insane has you talkin' to yourself Josh.

Rikard heard his communicator beep. He looked down at it then back up at Insane's door. Maybe the Observer would give him some information, though he doubted it. Either way he'd have to keep his eye on that guy. He turned away and began to walk down the corridor, toward the turbolift. He took out his comm and activated it. Its small viewscreen turned on.

Oh, hi Artsy. What can I do for you?

Artsy replies:

Hey, I just got your message. I'd like to take you up on the offer of lessons...maybe piloting (if you've got a ship or sim to train me on) or engineering? I might be getting some training from Ansh too, but I thought I'd contact you first. What's your price?

(Insane turns from the replicator and is shocked to see an old man in glowing robes standing in his quarters)

The key to defeating the Dark Side of The Frank Conspiracy is to accept the Frank within.

I am Obi-Wan Frankobi of the Light Side of The Frank Conspiracy. Yes, you may not believe it now, but not all Franks are evil.

The Frank runs through all and by accepting the Frank all becomes Frank. Or to put it another way, when one goes to the many, many go to the one.

A thousand years ago the founders of The Frank Conspiracy disagreed on the direction the movement should take. Frank Frank Morgan believed in emphasizing the good things of being a Frank, of allowing people to discover the Frank within.

Frank Padawan, on the other hand, felt that people should be made Franks by any means necesary. Mind control, genetic engineering, backward masking in popular songs... (Obi-Wan shakes his head) But the Dark Side forgot that those forced to the Frank resist, and that keeps them from tapping the true potential of the Frank.

The Dark Side will never be as powerful as they once were*, but they can still be dangerous, and they will still cheapen the name Frank.

You have what it takes to be a Frank Knight, but only if that is what you choose. And I shall only return if you choose to learn more.

(Obi-Wan Frankobi turns into a ball of light and leaves)

* LICC2 XXII

Suddenly a small, bipedal, fire-breathing lizard appears on a console

Hi! I'm an annoying, talking Godzilla!

It then sets a redshirt on fire

Oh, wow! Thanks Captain Tacoman, sir. I'll do my best to live up to your expectations.

She throws her three-pronged into the annoying, talking Godzilla

I'm just so excited. Wheee!!!

A redshirt reaches for her dagger stuck in the console

No! Don't!

47,000 volts runs through the dagger into the redshirt. The redshirt & the dead Godzilla are turned to ashes & the dagger drops to the floor

Eeep. Two dead redshirts on my first day. That won't look good on my record.

The redshirt situation is explained to her

Really? Why does anyone become a redshirt then?

No one has an answer

Anyway now that it's my first day, where's the weapons locker & most vulnerable areas of the ship?

Kidding! Just kidding! Evil sense of humor, runs in the family.

A voice booms out of the air & Sailor Evil's dagger rises from the floor

"Is this a dagger I see before me?"

A flash of light and a little, tiny cross of Q & Godzilla appears

Ah, mon capitaine, you won't get rid of me so easily.

However you must be punished for what this dangerous schoolgirl did.

Another flash of light and suddenly Tacoman, Sailor Evil & several other members of the crew are elsewhere, each standing in a different miniture city, where tiny, little monster pedestrians run screaming from them and tiny, little monster military forces prepare to attack them

Who are the monsters now?

In the distance you will see a copy of Sailor Evil's dagger pointing up. In 30 minutes it will be pointing down and plunge into the ground destroying the city you are now standing in.
Your mission, whether you choose to accept it or not, is to get out of the city, causing as little damage & death as possible, there will be a price to pay for each death, get past the invisible menace guarding the dagger & prevent it from destroying the city.

Muhahahahahahahahaha!!!

Q, what if we don't want to play your sick little game?

Allamiraine!

It isn't me, Mon Capitaine!

Ok.. Q-dzilla, then.

I don't think we have much choice whether we play in this "sick little game" or not. Besides, it's not nearly sick enough. What's the point of a game where you try not to do stuff?

So are we all in the same city, or are we in different cities, trying to get the same dagger?
Oh look... the military have brought out the tanks and laser dishes!
Tacoman presses a button on his wrist controls, a number of glowing spheres rise up from various parts of his armor, and form a shield.
Luckily I still had that on me... maybe I should also activate the exoskeleton that Rocket Ranger gave me, too...

To Enesku
Try not to do stuff? I thought I made the rules perfectly clear. Hmph

To every member of LICC on the planet*
1. You have to get out of the miniture city causing as little property damage or death as possible.
You will be under attack from the tiny, little military to make it more difficult.
2. Once out of the city you will each face a different menace specifically designed for you, which will try to stop you from getting to the dagger.
If the dagger touches the ground the city will be destroyed.
And if you are still within the city, you too will be destroyed. So you can't just stand around and wait.

And yes, Tacoman each city has it's own dagger & each person in 'the game' is in a different city.

Since Enesku doesn't think the game is "sick enough", then the penalty for each death will be one minute off the life of the person who causes it.

To Enesku
How many minutes do you think you can afford to lose, my dear?

With a snap of his finger all the little monsters in Enesku's city turn into little, tiny versions of herself and suddenly she is breathing radioactive fire.

To everyone
The clock is ticking. You only have 27 minutes left.

* Not everyone in the crew was meant to be in the game. Just whichever other character's authors wanted to participate.

Ower phavorut riters r Brain Weeber & Mattt Pesty.

Hmm.. I need a way to clear my path of the militaty...
Tacoman activates his Exosuit and sends out a plow big enough to scoop the military and other citizens out of his way. He then proceeds, following the main road out of the city
This may be easier then I thought...
Suddenly, a large robotic monster flys down and blocks his way, gesticulating wildly. piloting the monster are the local heroes, the Super Changing Mighty Defenders

Hey, you omnipotent Baka, if I'm the one who offended you, then why bring others into it?!?

Lousy lizards. Nothing but trouble.

A puff of noxious smoke and Sailor Evil disappears only to reappear... somewhere other than she wanted to

Ee ep!

Yikes!

Whoaaaaaaaaa...

She catches her balance, each foot on a different building with a taller, spired building directly below her

Q-dzilla must be a lousy hentai.

Must have limited my teleport.

She notices more spired buildings, much taller between her and the dagger

Have to try something different. I hope this works.

The surrounding area is covered in an all pervading darkness and shortly only her glowing red eyes are the only solid thing about her as she floats out of the city. Outside she regains solidity and collapses unconscioush

Hey, where'd the Captain and Enesku go? Oh well...

Milkshake takes the command chair

Who wants to go to DinseyPlanet?

After a brief battle, in which Tacoman applies liquid nitrogen to the legs of the Defender's machine and makes it fall over onto an abandoned building, Tacoman makes his way out of town and rapidly approches the dagger
Now, where's that guardian? Unless the robot was the it...

My price? We'll discuss that stuff when we meet. Are you in your quarters?

Artsy nods.

Good. I'll meet you shortly.

Rikard enters the nearest turbolift and asks for the deck of Artsy's quarters. Immeadiately, he finds himself in a miniature city with very small military vehicles coming toward him.

What in the-? Excuse me! I believe I asked for Artsy's quarters, not a ticket to Mini Land! Can I please go back?

The next thing he knows, he is exiting the turbolift on the deck of his intended destination.

Well, that was unexpected. Maybe I should inform the Captain.

He sends a message to Tacoman's suit, but doesn't check to see if the message is received. A minute later, he stands in front of the door to Artsy's quarters. He reaches to touch the doorchime.

Hey! Watch the hands, pervert! Slap!

Hi Mooseketeers!

Mackey Moose inviting you to come to DinseyPlanet, the Froopiest Kingdom in the Universe™.

(a montage of shots of different attractions flashes onscreen while a chorus sings in the background)

Yes, come for our luxury hotels, our shopping facilities, our concession stands...

Chorus: It's a mallworld after all...

Spenda Buck: Xwaa xwu kweouk.

That's right, Spenda Buck we also have rides, & studios where you can watch new shows being filmed.

Money Moose: And don't forget, Mackey, this year we have the 3002 Winter Olympics.

That's right, and tickets are still available. I love you, Money. (kiss)

So book your vacation today! Come to DinseyPlanet!

Sailor Evil regains consciousness and looks at the dagger

Eeeep! 6 minutes left!?!

Se gets up to go to the dagger

Voice: Uh-uh-uh.

A flash of light and she is confronted by a blonde, blue-eyed girl in a silver & gold fuku

Girl: I'm the Pretty Dangerous Soldier, Sailor Good!

She throws sharpened shafts of light at Sailor Evil

Ow!

Good: You wanna get to that dagger you'll have to get past me, baka.

I thought you said you were good?

Good: I am. Beautina Glorificus Good and I love watching cities go boom! Sakura Death Petals!

Limburger Cheese Bombs!!!

The two smelly volleys of weapons obliterate each other in a cloud of smoke

Haaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiii-yah!!!

Sailor Evil leaps through the cloud to attack Sailor Good with a flying side kick, but Good counters with a raised armblock, flipping Evil up, resulting in the requisite panty shot. Evil flips over and drops preparing to catch Good in a scissor leg lock, but Good, expecting that maneuver, steps aside and delivers an elbow death blow. Evil curls forward avoiding the blow, putting her weight on her hands, lifting her feet and lashing out with the Kansas mule kick. Good goes flying back and Evil quickly jumps her delivering the fearsome nyuck-nyucks & eye-pokes while Good fights back with flailing legs and rabbit punches. Finally Evil gets the upper hand on Good by getting her in a choke hold, when, looking up, she notices the dagger is almost straight down.

Thinking to herself Oh, no! I can't defeat her and stop the dagger. What can I do?

Evil loosens her grip and Good flips her forward into the path of the dagger.

Aaaaaaaah!!!

Good: Oh, [CENSORED]!!! The [CENSORED] won.

The dagger pierced Evil, but did not strike the ground.

Suddenly everything fades away and Sailor Evil is back on the Spidermobile hale & hearty.

contemplating the visit from Obi-Wan Frankobi, after Obi-Wan has left

Frank Padawan... interesting name.

leaves his quarters and goes up to the bridge, where he hears about the latest (minor) conundrum

I suggest we go to GiantLand, on Earth.

sees the helm is unmanned, and sits there

Hey, Commander... did you register an intruder in my quarters a few minutes back?

Tacoman reaches for his dagger, which is almost upside down, when a hand grabs his wrist. He looks up to see the face of the Defender's robot. The robot pulls Tacoman to a nearby field, releases him, and begins firing various weapons at him. Tacoman responds by firing back, weapon for weapon. At one point, Tacoman manages to knock the robot down and lunges for the dagger, which is almost upside down.
Sorry, but this time, the bad guy wins. But trust me, it's for your own good.
Tacoman reaches under the dagger and prepares to grab it. The Defenders robot, aware of the action, fires everything it has on it, including their anti-monster weapons. Just as the barrage of weapons hits Tacoman and take major damage on his shield, the dagger drops into his hand. He disappears in a flash, just as the anti-monster missiles hit. Tacoman reappears on the Spidership, with his shields and exosuit deacivated, as if nothing has happened, just at the same moment Insane mentions going to GiantLand.
GiantLand? Maybe later. How about The Restaurant at the End of the Universe? I'm getting hungry.

No bleeping superheroes here. They're all frickin' Jedis or Wizards. Let's surf over to Green BayWatch and check out the latest snowsuits for babes!

Enesku appears on the bridge after Tacoman, looking a little bashed and bruised.

Hey, everyone! That was a strange adventure. Fun, though.

However, it wouldn't be much fun to write, so I'm leaving Enesku's fight to your own fantasies. I mean imagination.

A flash of light & Q-dzilla is back
Well, well, well. I didn't expect self-sacrifice from you Evil. Impressive.

And the rest of you did fine work as well, except for... He glances at Enesku
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You do know that what you did will come back to haunt you, you know?

Well, mon capitaine it's been fun, but I must be going. But we'll meet again, mes amie.

He disappears in a flash of light.

Let's never have this Q-dzilla back again. As a matter of fact, fire the writer who came up with him.

Flunkies: Yes, sir!

And what's with this Sailor Evil who is good and this Sailor Good who's evil? Our viewers are simpletons. They don't want confusing ideas. They want easy to understand names like Lt. Obvious & Mr. Insane.

Myra Carp*, writer: That's Mr. Obvious & Lt. Insane.

Did you just correct me? You're fired!

Myra: But I've been with the show from the beginning.

Then it'll be a nice change for you.

Now who's got some new ideas for me?

A flunky: How about some new characters like... Heroic Goodguy, Mr. Savetheday, and Sexy Woman!

I like it. How soon can we get Sexy Woman on the show?

Another flunky: We can hire an actress or model almost immediatly, but we don't have any dialogue for her...

Dialogue, shmialogue, as long as it's a tight fitting outfit the audience won't care. Better yet just give her some of Patty's old lines.

Yet another flunky: How about if we give her a nymphomanic sidekick called NymphoBabe?

I like the way you think.

Myra: Sir, I must protest...

I thought I fired you? Security! Drag this woman out of here.

Now since sweeps is coming up, how about a plot twist where all the men get turned in women wearing skimpy outfits?

* Any similarity between fictional writer's names & real writer's names are simply intended for humorous effect.

SW: Staring blankly at camera Duhhhhhhhhhhhh...
NB: Staring down as she swings her chest back & forth Wheeee!

Bursting through the door
Sir, I must protest also! When we started the adventure, it was about saving the universe with goofy characters! Sure, we've had some wild people, like Pattie, but these two...
Pointing and looking at Sexy Woman and NymphoBabe, becoming hypnotized by the swinging chest and spinning symbol. He looks back toward the table with a somewhat blank expression on his face and a monotone voice
...is the best idea you've ever had, sir. All your ideas have been really good. I bow to your wisdom, if not your wisdom teeth

What if a wet t-shirt contest is held in Ten, I mean, Zen Forward?

All right, Temporary Executive, you're fired! You'll never do lunch in this town again!

However, keep the eyecandy, but put them in red uniforms.

Ok.. where are we going to go? We have vote for GiantLand and the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
Milkshake whispers in Tacoman's ear
Oh.. and a few votes for DisneyPlanet. Think we need another trip, Steve?

DiNSeyplanet, Captain.

Dinsdale?

What's a 'High-ranking Exectutive'?

Somebody who teaches you how to really stink something up?

Also it was mentioned that the regular guy, presumably Evil K-NIT TV-47 Executive, was on vacation, but EE's post said it was a long lunch.

Maybe it was a really long lunch or a really short vacation?

And are we supposed to comment on the behind the scenes 'reality' of the LICC Show or what?

Yeah, it is getting pretty surreal. What's next two guys watching the show & nitpicking it?

(They both started to laugh until they saw themselves looking back at themselves from the TV)

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa......!!!

Power guitar chorus: VIDEO HOWL AROUND! VIDEO HOWL AROUND! VIDEO HOWL AROUND!

I think there are too many K-NIT viewers appearing on the show.

(Donna suddenly reapears, holding Majin Donna flayed corspe on a stake)

Hi guys. Sorry I've been dead for a few months. The Sith raised my body, but used a spirit named Demonica to animate it. I was given a new body in heaven, so I hunted her down, killed her, and flayed the body. Demonica is still out there. Well, I guess I returned to the land of the living. Oh, God wanted to give y'all a message. All problems with this dimention have been fixed, using the dimentional photocopier. Apparently reality is really stored on a .txt file.

Donna's back. Do a shot.

BANG!

*thud*

Hey, Donna! Let's organise a slumber party, and we can talk about guys, and hold everything we consider important up for ridicule!

*gives a raised eyebrow at Enesku*
Sure, but I think Insane and I have "Quality Time" issues we have to address. But I picked up the classic film Teenage actors with weird names crawl all over each other and make fart jokes, staring the other lesbian from Buffy, The slut from Dawson's creek, The Best friend from M.Y.O.B., The other guy from Boy meets world, The pretty boy from 90210, and for God only knows what reason Drew Barrymore, and a couple of the Wayans. That will be great for our slumber party. I also picked up the book Fighting styles, Battle tactics, and Warrior orders for those unable to think of anything but Jedi

"Quilaty Time", Donna? *gulps*

Commander, is it me, or are things starting to get a bit out of control?
Tacoman briefly looks at the sensors
It looks like another board is headed this way...

Kiehart enters the bridge just as Tacoman says this. "What did I miss while I weeping over my wrecked babies?"

Redshirt: Oh they're just fighters. Get over it!

Kiehart: Those fighters were a label of love jackass!

Redshirt drops dead on the word jackass.

Kiehart: Well that was unexpected.

Kiehart, I'm sorry about your fighters, but we had no choice on how to stop them. I know you spent long hard hours constructing the fleet, but if we hadn't stopped them the way we did, they would have destroyed a version of the original Spidership.

Friends, we must lead a boycott of LICC. The people on LICC care more about ships than they do people! See Kiehart's post above! We must stop this in it's tracks!

The tennis ball-sized probe scans the Spidership and sends a report back to the Alliance.

Analysis
1 semi-autonomous hologram - designation Doctor - reprogramable

1 shape-changing cybernetic organism - designation Colanator - possibly reprogramable

1 self-repairing robot - designation Robot Redshirt - reprogramable

1 cyborg - designation Ten of Twelve - possibly reprogramable

2 furbies - designations Furbie & Alt-Furbie - uncertain possibility of reprograming

1 human containing Nanobot colony - designation Enesku - reprogramable, may be able to control human

Ship's computer system & computer systems of auxilary ships reprogramable

Awaiting instructions.

While it's funny to secretly give some unsuspecting lesser being the ability to kill with a word it's supposed to be a word they rarely use. By making Kiehart's deathword 'Jackass' the whole crew could be dead within the hour.

I've revoked Kiehart's deathword, and am demoting you. From now on your duties will involve irritating ear & nose hair growth.

Dismissed.