Two funerals and a wedding, I guess.

Jackson goes over to the Comm panel and moves the comm officer aside.
Let me try a few things.
Jackson presses things, changes other things, and tries more things.
Strange...
Are we fully sure that Artsy is dead?
Butrfli: According to the telepathic signals I got from Quito, she is...
Butrfli sends the message that Quito sent to Jackson, who recoils in horror and shock
That...is quite convencing...
By the way, I was thinking of retiring as Captain of the LICC, and make Commander Milkshake official leader. With that, I could either travel the galaxy with Butrfli and the kids, or I could stick around and continue to share the adventures, like Frangelica does.

Oh, great!

Everyone turns around to see Rocket Ranger...or Quincy K. Rocket, rather, as he's out of his armor...standing in front of the turbolift, arms folded in front of him.

We go and bring you and Adon back to the land of the living, and you want to leave LICC?!

He pauses.

Hmmm....well, I guess you could always go off to raise your kids and train them to become crimefighters themselves someday. Taquito Boy II and Chimichangirl, I guess.

By the way, there's a spaceship shaped like a golden sphere with a triangle in front and wings on the side headed this way. Looks like its moving at Warp 3. Anyone recognize that design, or is this a new one?

A blueshirt in Sickbay asks, "So who's scheduled next to die & come back to life?"

A redshirt looking at a chart answers, "Looks like you."

"What?!?" Suddenly the blueshirt clutches his chest & collapses. "Aaaaaaa...." *Thud*

The Doctor rushes over with two heart defibrulator paddles. "Clear!" *Zap!*

The blueshirt begins breathing again. "Th... thank you, doctor."

"Just doing my job." He then hands the defribulater paddles to the redshirt who is electrocuted into a pile of ashes.

What do you mean "They came back to life?"

wawawawawawawawawa

Is this normal for their species?

wawawa

Okay, we'll hold onto the statues until they really die, but only if they don't violate our standards. If they do we're shipping the statues back at your expense!

wawawawawawa

Weddings? Yeah, we host those occasionally. Just a minute & I'll connect you to our director in charge of weddings, bondings & reaffirmations of love.

Quincy, I only said I was thinking of doing it... I could always decided to stay and become First Officer...

(Exits the turbolift followed by three completely different looking yellowshirts)

Captain Milkshake these are the replacements for Who, What & Idontknow.

(Suddenly she notices the two Tacomen)

Oh, wow. Another Tacoman from another universe?

In "sign" language...
Nope. We'll have to walk back and take the stairs. Only people who take short cuts end up back in their beds. Ususally with evil undead spirits taking up Temporary Residence inside their brains.

We're doing this LEGALLY.

And remember we still can't say...
holds up a sign with a picture of Tacoman on it
's name until tomorrow, or it's a One-Way trip for us all.

Rikard glares at Frangelica and makes a great show of rubbing his stiff neck as they disembark from Sharon's Boat and starts across the plains. At alt-Furby's suggestion they pay a bit extra to take water transportation across the four other branches of the river, and thus reach the foot of the staircase in relatively short time.

Adon steps up to his old control panel.

Scanning... I don't recognise them, and I can't seem to find them in the database. I'm going to hail them.

As Rikard, Quantum Man, Frangelica, and alt-Furby leave the Underworld, they fail to notice an invisible figure walking backwards up the stairs in front them.

Actually, alt-Furby notices it, but figures that he has no objection to female that good-looking deciding to follow him around, no matter how transparent she is.

Inserts a CD and presses play. Polka music begins to play.
Oops.
Quickly presses stop and ejects the CD before putting the eerie music in.

The strange ship answers Adon's hail. The viewscreen snaps to life and shows two strange-looking humanoids with orange-yellow skin and triangular heads. They are wearing some sort of uniforms, which are white. And one of them has on something that looks sort of like a metal baseball cap.

Greetings. We seem to have suffered some damage to our navigation systems when we passed through an asteroid belt a couple of days ago. Might you point us in the direction of the A'kkai'an system, please?

(Enesku takes a look at the object Furby picked up from the floor)

It looks like one of Mary Worth's horns... I wonder if she lost them while fighting Artsy?

No idea, Enesku, but.....

Ensign Snewtipantz appears from a doorway nearby.

.....if the ship is ever invaded by a demon again, the next time I hope its Rex Morgan!

Yeah, the Holodoc could use a backup!

as he walks off the bridge, the turbolift doors malfunction and cut him in half.

Quincy listens to the aliens, and smiles, then steps closer to the viewscreen.

Well, well, if it isn't Twilo and Qwilchib! What happened? Did Captain Michiba throw you two off the Samurai?

The alien without the metal `baseball cap' speaks.

Quincy! Long time no see! No, Michiba didn't throw us off his ship. We decided to leave, and used some credits we had saved up to purchase this ship.

The alien with the metal `baseball cap' on speaks.

Yeah. Unfortunately, we didn't know what a piece of junk it was! The viewscreen keeps screwing up and making us look weird to whoever's on the other end....and the nav system keeps conking out.

Quincy speaks again.

Well, I can see the problem with the viewscreen. You two look like a pair of Hyzakthi garbage merchants right now!

Quincy turns around.

I've known these two for a few years. They're okay guys; they just have bad luck. Think we could give them a hand and help fix their ship? It shouldn't take more than two or three hours.

He pauses.

By the way, in case you're wondering, Qwilchib is the one with the metal cap on. And they're originally from the planet Xpacsux.

Thanks for clearing that up.

That's fine, Quincy, your friends are welcome to stay on for repairs.

turns to Tacoman

Whatever you choose is fine by me, Taco. It's just good to have you back.

Hmm...

(blows on the narrow end of the horn. No sound)

Maybe I should hollow this out. I could use a calling-horn.

---

Quote:

If ye slay a daemon, and ye sound his horn, then assuredly shall come se'en more daemons from heck to take thy soul.

---

I didn't slay the demon, the demon is a she and I didn't sound the horn - I soundlessed the horn. So, nyah.

(sticks tongue out at Demons for Dummies)

Frangelica, Quantum Man, alt-Furby, and Rikard finally reach the surface. It's now nighttime at the memorial area. Rikard flips the paper over and writes...

Well, here we are. Shall we return to the ship?

Snaps her fingers, and a Q flash transports all four heroes up to their own quarters on the Spidership, where they each decide that a good night's sleep will be the best cure for what ails them.

.. .- -- ... --- --- --- - .. .-. . -.. .-.-.-

The invisible figure which followed the Leaguers up from the Underworld moves silently through the halls of the Spidership.

Somewhere deep inside the Furby a sensor causes a dial to change.

Clunk!

number_of_females_on_the_ship:=number_of_females_on_the_ship+1;

Hey!

How did the invisible figure get up to the ship? Frangelica Q-flashed them up there?

The door to Kiehart's quarters beeped, and the hoverchair bound pilot gave a sigh of relief. "Well, it's off to physical therapy I suppose. I wonder why Ranger is so concerned about my physical well being." He shurgs, and hits a button on the arm of the hover chair and he begins to glide forward. Suddenly, he begin to convulse, and his body litterally starts to turn into a ball of light!

Meanwhile, in the launch bay, Lt. Grant Lopez begins to do the same thing. At the exact same moment, to the two balls start flyign towards each other, passing thoruhg walls, crewmen, and anything else blocking their path. Any electronics in the way are temporarily kncoked out. The two ball converge in an empty room, reserved as guest characters for visitng dignitaries and evacuated personall from other ships, planets or bases. The balls start to flash, and begin to lower to the floor. When the ball disappears, a figure is lying on the floor, wearing dark grey sweatpants, and hugging a dingy off-whit body pillow tightly. The young man with dark brown hair is asleep, and murmuring the name 'Meredith' over and over, between bouts of snoring.

Up on the bridge, reports of the two energy balls, and the corresponding disapearence of Acting Flight Commander Lopez reach the two Cpatian's respective ears. No one saw Kiehart turn into the ball that he turned into so at this point no one is aware he's also missing.

I heard that! Once I left the Underworld, I could go where I wanted. And I wanted to board the Spidership and start haunting the crew. Actually I wanted to do a few other things too, but it looks like the adventure that's about to befall the crew will envelop me too, and I'll have to wait until things have calmed down to carry out my mission.

an empty room, reserved as guest characters for visitng dignitaries and evacuated personall from other ships

That explains why LICC has been so lousy. They've been using frickin' ROOMS as guest stars!

I don't know, it seems really bizarre. I'll send a couple of science officers and security to investiga-

Given the success of the first 'energy ball transfer thing', the entire ship is then enveloped by a huge sphere of energy. Every hero on the bridge disappears, to be replaced with...

"Whoa."

In the captain's chair sits a 19 year-old, slightly tall, slightly overweight, brown-haired green-eyed kid in jeans, a gray polo shirt and socks. He had been idly playing with a POG slammer in his left hand, and the black-and-gold plastic disc falls, clattering, to the deck as he looks around, not a little shocked.

What the... *glub glub*

(KAM comes stumbling out of Robot Redshirt's cubicle covered in oil)

*ptui ptui*

(He finds a conveniant cloth and begins wiping the oil off of him.)

(Unfortunately after a thousand years of network executives casting more & more beautiful people in their TV shows the K-NIT viewers are shocked at KAM's less than handsome features. Those that don't faint from the shock, shoot their TVs, yank the cable out of the wall, throw the TV out the nearest window, then run outside to stomp up and down on the shattered remnants, finally pouring gasoline on top of it and setting it on fire. Which is just as well since KAM can't wear his oil-soaked clothes and must change. Fortunately he finds a locker filled with clothes.)

Hmmm, red shirts & black pants. Oh well, beggers can't be choosers.

(Gets dressed)

Hey. These shirts have LICC printed on them. I wonder why someone would do that? The LICC Administration didn't think there would be enough interest in selling things through Café Press.

Then again why would someone bring me to this place and stick me into some weird chamber & dump oil on me? The world is full of weirdos.

I wonder how they brought me here without my knowing it?

That was frightening. From now on I'm only getting my entertainment from sources where you can't see the author, like... books. They don't show what the authors look like in books do they?

Who knows? Who reads?

AAAA!!!!!

Jason was sitting at his computer, when he suddenly found himself in an abandoned city, and under attack by a sword swinging maniac. Through luck, more than anything else, he managed to do avoid a few swings, and then, the maniac scored a fatal blow.

At that instant, the manic and the city vanished, and were replaced with a yellow gridwork. A voice spoke from everywhere in the room.

Computer: "Fatal blow. Would you like to try again?"

Jason: "No!"

A set of double doors set on the far wall opened, revealing a corridor. Seeing no alternative, Jason stepped out into the ship.

(Padawan Observer gets up from the floor of a corridor. He had just been in a sitting position and collapsed. He is a human male of 16, with slightly too much curly thick brown hair, a dark green sweatshirt and blue jeans, about 5'5" in height)

What the ding dong heckamadoodle... oh, I get it, this is somekinda dream. Well, this place looks like a Starfleet ship so I guess I'm having an ST dream, although the ship's probably all weird with four bridges or something.

Hey, since I'm lucid dreaming I can just wake myself up before the Klingons or whoever attack. No, wait... this might be kinda fun. I wonder what series I'm in?

(walks to a master systems display on a wall, then looks at it and laughs)

Wait... this isn't Trek, this is LICC! I'm having a LICC dream! Ace of spades! Well, I guess I'll be able to tell JD and Reddo and Sarah about it when I wake up. Of course, knowing my dreams it's going to end before the good bit starts. I'll have to remember NOT to WAKE UP.

It sure will be fun meeting Tacoman, and Milkshake, and... (laughing) Insane and Enesku!

(walks into the next room, used as a guest character for some reason, and discovers Brian Webber muttering about Meredith. Brian wakes up)

So you must be Brian Webber. Or does Kiehart have this same problem as well?

Ansh had fallen asleep comforting Quito the night before but in the morning it wasn't Ansh who woke up in the bed in Ansh's quarters but Jenny Observer. She is a twelve year old girl with shoulder legnth thick curly brown hair. She is wearing a tartin summer dress, a blue watch and navy glasses. She woke up

"That's strange...." She thought "Why am I fully dressed and in bed? I must have fallen asleep but I wouldn't have while dressed, especially not wearing my glasses... Maybe it's a dream... I'm hungry I'll get myself something to eat and if I'm still hungry I'll know it's a dream."

She got up and walked to the door

"Even stranger! The doors opened on their own..." I'm on a starship! "I must be dreaming! Well time to find out! I wonder where I can find some food..."

After dropping off TrekGrrl at school, ScottN heads off to work. He parks his car in the usual place, and gets out. As he walks into the building, he hears a strange "swooshing" sound as the door closes. He turns around, and he's no longer in his office building. Instead, he's in a gently curving corridor.

Where the h*ll am I?

A small, business-like young woman in a red blazer and black trousers could have sworn she had just been walking through a set of double-doors in Tech Physics Wing. She takes a long hard look around Frangelica's quarters, put down her briefcase, removes her glasses, and rubs her eyes. The scene does not change.

What in blazes? I could have sworn this was the right floor! sighs I hate the 8 a.m. shift. I swear, one of these days I'll be so out of it I will crash my car into a tree on the way over and then they'll be sorry.

I need to remember this place for power-nap time. Wish my department had a lounge this nice.

Kira Sharp replaces her glasses, picks up her things, and steps out into the hallway. She really looks rather like Frangelica except for the wire-rimmed glasses, the dark hair in the fluffy 30's bob and the smattering of acne painstakingly camouflaged behind some very pale makeup. The fact that the door plate on the room she has just left says "Crew Quarters R1I" instead of "DG11- Industrial Enginerring Lounge" distinctly unnerves her. She begins a quest for a staircase.

Okay okay, strange, stranger...

keeps staring around the bridge, until his mystified eyes rest on the dedication plaque

Spidermobile! Excellent, what a cool dream. Hey wait a second, I never know I'm dreaming when I'm IN a dream. Okay, this is even stranger now. Well, when in Rome...

gets up from the command chair

Wow, it is comfy. Now, I wonder if I can do anything on the consoles here...

Now through the sheerest of coincidences, Jake DOES manage to activate something on a console. Normally the options on a console are locked down when not in use, but some time before the crew had installed a quick-operation switch, leading directly to the Polymorph Rifle, in case of sudden attack. Jake, delightedly, flips the purple switch, which of course causes the ship to hum, which of course causes a violet beam to erupt from the weapon emplacement on the bow, which of course without a target bearing heads straight out in front of the ship, which not of course strikes a MASSIVE alien vessel which had just emerged from a bizarre spatial rift with the intent of capturing Spidermobile, with of course changes the structure of the vessel into something more appropriate such as a large box of chocolate Teddy Grahams.

feeling like such a freshman...
Five years in this dungeon and I'm still doing this.

addresses the dark-haired, bespectacled man in the hallway
Excuse me, but could you tell me how to get to the Physics and Astronomy wing?

Jason was walking down the corridor, muttering to himself.

That's it. All this work has finally made me crack and go insane. And not the fun kind of insane, the real kind. And why am I talking to myself? Isn't that the earliest warning sign that I'm loosing it?

As he rounded a bend, he nearly ran into a group of people working on something buried in the wall. They were all dressed in red shirts with LICC written on them.

Oh, great. I think that I'm trapped in the LICC-verse. I wonder if I will run into Adon. Wait a minute, if this really is the LICC-verse and those are redshirts, they should die any...
Whatever they were working on exploded, reducing them to a pile of ash, which is promptly swept up by a floating broom and dustpan.
... second now.

Oops! Forgot to put a description up. Thanks, Kira!

The dark haired man, who is 40-ish, slightly overweight, has a (graying) mustache, 3 days of stubble, and wearing a "Linux" T-shirt, jeans, glasses, and a kipah, looks extremely confused.

Physics and Astronomy wing? What are you talking about? This is an office building! Or are you one of those Pepperdine students?

Author's note: Pepperdine University has an extension in the same building as my office.

Kira takes a long hard look at the stranger in front of her. The kipah is the first thing that registers, and the fact that she's used to being able to identify everyone in the building who wears that particular accessory as, "Asher Shteynberg," or "That guy drops in for Friday Night Live at Chabad," or "That guy is a new member of KulaNU at Hillel." Particularly when the man in question has both a kipah and a sefirah-beard!

I'm terribly sorry... one of us is dreadfully lost, and I think it's me. I'm looking for the Physics and Astronomy offices...

She pauses to take in the not-in-Kansas-anymore atmospehere and adds kind of sheepishly... at Tech Institute, 4247 Shermer Avenue?

Huh? No, this is supposed to be Troika Networks, 2829 Townsgate Road!

This doesn't really look like my office building, though...

Meantime, an experimenting Jake has found the intercom control on the Captain's chair, and the allhail whistle sounds throughout the ship, followed by a voice

Okay, let's try...whoa! Okay, the light's on, helloo, hello! Nobody's around here, hmm...okay, *clears throat* all bridge crew report to the..um, bridge. *laughing* Okay, nevermind. Off...off...not going off. Oh, there we g--

Listens to the announcment while talking to the lady in the red blazer...

Bridge? Uh, Ma'am, I don't think either of us is where we think we are. Maybe we should find out what's going on.

Holds out his hand.

My name is Scott.

"Huh what? Jude? Oh man my neck." He looks up. "What the ••••, where's my stereo, and my TV?" He leaps up, his floppy fatty man-teets scaring Paddy and any remaining viewers. "JUDE! We were-" Suddenly he notices the kid standing in front of him. He grabs the kid's collar, not knowing who it really is. "All right dipstick where's my stuff?!?"

Quickly covers his child's eyes!

How awful! I'm going to boycott every sponsor of the LICC becase of that scene!

Bri, take it easy, I don't know who Jude is but he's not me. My name is Observer. Padawan Observer. And as far as I can tell we're on the Spidership. You know, from LICC?

I'm Kira. Nice to meet you.

Do you have any idea what's going on? I'm supposed to be in a meeting in a few minutes and the fact that I am suddenly not in Tech is rather a disturbing one.

All these door panels that say "crew quarters," that announcement about the bridge, the hex-shaped hall... if I didn't know better I'd say we were in a ship.

The allhail whistle sounds again, and a deep (but still recognizable as Jake's) voice sounds over the intercom

This is Commander Milkshake. All bridge personnel report to the main bridge immediately. Over and out. *laughing, the voice becomes distant* By this time somebody should have shown up. Now, if I remember my diagram correctly, Temporal Science should be right over the-

He looks shocked. "Paddy? Oh man I'm still dreamin'. Last thing I remember was, oy vey I shooting dinosaurs with my fingers and making •••••• machine gun noises." He rubs his eyes. "The Spidership eh? I might as well enjoy this before Judy comes to wake me up with some annoying task that I'll be too tired to perform so she can yell at me again." He turns to look at Paddy. "You know you're a little taller than I pictured you. How did you know who I was?"

"Yeah!"

Did you hear that? "Commander Milkshake!?!?!?!?!"

This can't be happening, it only happens in bad fanfic. Kira, I have two questions. First, are you by any chance, Kira Sharp? And second, you don't think that somehow we're on the SpiderShip, do you?

Oh, yeah. Its the SpiderShip, alright.

Suddenly, a man in his early 30's (I'm 31, to be exact) appears, wearing a beige "Tennessee 1998 NCAA Football Champions" cap, tortoise-shell and gold rimmed glasses, a royal blue t-shirt, black jeans, and black Reebok sneakers. He is slightly overweight (I have a pot belly; need to lose about 20 pounds) and has dark brown hair. blue eyes, and a mustache that needs a slight trim.

Imagine my surprise when I reach into the refrigerator to grab a Diet Mountain Dew, and all of a sudden I find myself standing in Rocket Ranger's lab, staring at an unfinished piece of armor lying on a worktable!

He pauses.

And I didn't get the blasted Diet Dew, either!

I'm Scott, this is Kira. May I ask who you are?

Paddy tells Webber how he knew who it was.

"You're right Paddy, my obsession with meredith Vieira is unhealthy. But she' just so d@mned cute!" He sighs heavily. "Well, I'd better get a shirt. I don't like being topless when I'm by myself. And it better not be a red one!" He notice the replicator. "Hey, maybe I can get this thing to make me a shirt! Computer, replicate me a Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back movie logo t-shirt, Double Extra Large! Snoogans."

That's me.

My God, my God, this is NOT happening! I'm late for the meeting and what am I going to tell my boss? "Sorry I didn't show, I was trapped in a fictional cybersoap universe, please don't cut the budget without me!" Aaaaaaah! How did we get here and how can we get back and what if we can't get back? And what is someone starts shooting at the Spidership while we're on it?

Kira's watch beeps, grounding her flight of panic.
Barukh atah Ado***, Eleheynu melekh ha-olam asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu alk sefirat ha-Omer. Hayom shiva' v'esrim yom she'hem shlosha shavuot v'shisha yamim la'OMER.

The name is Floyd. Brian Floyd.

He looks around.

Well, I don't know about you, but the first thing I'm going to do is head for the bridge. The second thing I'm going to do is pull a McFly. I'm going to find a computer and look up the winners of the 2002 through 2010 World Series', Super Bowls, and NBA Finals, just in case this isn't a dream. Couldn't care less about hockey...

He checks his right side pants pocket.

Good. Still have my Swiss Army knife.

He walks off, finds a turbolift, and takes it to the bridge, then steps out of the turbolift....

Rikard, piloting one of the LICC's shuttles, flies back to the Spidership. He wakes up from a short nap as the shuttle drops out of warp. He checks the time. The quick clone he had left behind to travel to the afterlife was probably gone by now. He hails the Spidership. And gets no response. After several tries, the ship still doesn't respond.
What the-? Why aren't they responding?
Computer: Restate question.
Rikard: Nothing. Never mind. Computer, are there any life forms in the Spidership's landing bay?
Computer: Negative.
Rikard: Good, link to the Spider's computer.
Computer: Link established.
Rikard: Open the doors, authorization Rikard Pi Theta Purple Beta People Omega Eaters.
Computer: Authorization Confirmed. Doors responding.
Rikard looks up to see the bay doors opening. He quickly lands the shuttle and descends the ramp, his pistol ready in his hand.
Hello?
he says as his foot hits the deck. Suddenly, he undergoes a dramatic transformation. He shrinks from 6'1" to 5'9". His arms become much skinnier and his stomach goes from his nice six-pack of abs to a small belly. He is now a 16-year-old kid with short brown hair and more pimples than he wants (even though he doesn't have that many). He's wearing an orange T-shirt that says "Div. 6" on its front and khaki cargo shorts. He blinks a few times and looks around.

Ummm... what just happened?

Jadlad who was in the shuttle bay is replaced by an overweight, 31 year old balding man with (some) brown hair, a beard and mustache in desperate need of trimming, hazel-brown eyes, brown plastic aviator style frame glasses who's wearing a grey long sleeved "Univeristy of Tennessee" t-shirt, blue faded shorts, socks and hiking shoes. He sees someone come out of the shuttle and ask...

---

Quote:

"Ummm... what just happened?

---

A man about 6,4 appears on the bridge. He is wearing a pair of jeans, a button down shirt, a button that looks like "MJP" squished into one number, and a hooded sweatshirt saying "MSG." His brown features survey the bridge, the first words out of his mouth, in a distorted masculine voice, "Darnit to Hell, I mean HFIL, I'm having that dream where I am Marvin on the Superfriends. Well, as long as Jess isn't here."

Amen.

Kira, I'm sure you've guessed, but I'm ScottN, not just "Scott". We'll find our way out of here somewhere. I mean, come on, we should be able to figure out this ship, we created it, right?

Let's see if we can find the bridge.

Stops dead in his tracks.

Oy vey! I just realized something... If we're here, then the LICC characters are...

His voice trails off...

stops fooling around and stares at the new arrival

Gary Burghoff...PESTI! Of all the people who coulda been in my dream. Hi. Wow, you're a lot taller than I expected.

looks at the OTHER new arrival And who're you?

Well, normally I'd tell you who I am, but since I've GOT to be dreaming....

I am the terror that flaps in the night!
I am the walrus! Koo Koo Kachoo!
I have come to chew bubblegum and kick a$$ and I'm all out bubblegum!
I'm....aw, fergit it!

The name is Brian Floyd, aka BF. And I guess that, either you're Milkshake using a holoemitter or you're Jake, since I couldn't imagine anyone else sitting in that chair.

Looks at the other guy.

Pesti, huh? I thought you'd be shorter!

Ah, Meester Floyd, so we meet again, for ze first time. And I believe it's Goo Goo G'joob.

looks over at Pesti

I know, he's a lot taller than I imagined. Pesti, you don't have any Saiyan or other anime creatures lurking behind you, I hope...I don't care to dream about anime.

Anime, you say? Man, I wish I had Tenchi's sword and all 7 Dragonballs...the Namek versions...right about now.

Looks at his hands. Nothing happens.

Oh, well. Guess I don't have any control in this dream. Hate it when that happens.

I might head down to one of the cargo bays later. Maybe there'll be a couple of Aestavalis' from Martian Successor Nadesico or a Gundam Deathscythe down there....

Pauses.

So, Jake? Think we can get the internal sensors running? I'd like to see if there are any low-mileage pit woofies around here!

ScottN and Kira walk onto the bridge.

... So that's when I decided to start wearing a kipah. You know, Kira, if this is *really* the Spidership, you might want to put on something besides that red blazer.

Looks around and sees a bunch of people, some in uniform, some out.

Hi! I'm ScottN and this is Kira Sharp. Who's everyone?

(Padawan and Brian enter the bridge.)

Hey, this looks just like Jake's diagram, only... 3D. I'm Padawan, this is Webber.

Whaaaa? Ratings plunging! People destroying TV's! Turning to BOOKS for entertainment?!?!

What caused this catastrophe?

(Is shown the exact moment on LICC that it started. His head goes back as the camera spirals & zooms up to the ceiling.)

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!

(Stops, spins around listening for a few moments, then shakes his head and continues walking)

Could of sworn I heard my name.

Where the hell am I?

(Suddenly a voice, sounding like Majel Barret, comes out of the walls)
Computer: You are on Deck 11 outside of Cargo Bay 4.

Oooooooooooooooooookay. So where is Deck 11?

Computer: Between Decks 10 & 12.

Ask a silly question. Deck 11 of what?

Computer: The Spidermobile III.

(Pause)

So... how do I get to the Bridge?

Computer: Follow the lights. (On the wall some flashing lights begin pointing the way. KAM follows the lights and gets into a turbolift.)

Bridge. (The turbolift begins to move) The Brooklyn Bridge. (Smiles. The turbolift stops & the doors open to reveal the Brooklyn Bridge) On second thought make it the ship's bridge. (Doors close & turbolift begins moving again.) Was that really the Brooklyn Bridge?

Computer: No. That was Holodeck 3.

Explains a lot. (The lift stops & the doors open revealing the bridge.) Is this the real bridge or another projection?

Computer: The real bridge.

Obligatory Description moment
(The rest of the people on the Bridge had turned to look at the 5'10", blue-eyed man whose hair was dark brown mixed with silver. He had sideburns, a mustache & a goatee. You can see that he is wearing the latest design from LICC Wearables, a stylish red shirt with LICC logo, embossed tombstone & target on the back, with black pants & black boots. Like most of the males on the bridge he could also stand to lose some weight.)

(KAM smiles & says cheerfully)
Hi. Who the hell are you? What am I doing here? And why did you kidnap me?

Looks KAM right in the eyes.

These are not the droids you're looking for.

Thank you, Obi-Wan.

I'm not Obi-Wan. Technically, I'm Ojanon, but lets not get into that right now....

(Rolls his eyes when BF identifies himself as Ojanon)

OK, Ouijanon, what's going on here?

Hail hail, the gang's all here, I guess. Wow. I dreamed before that I met Webber and KAM but not everybody at once. Paddy!

goes over and shakes Paddy's hand

Odd but appropriate place to meet, eh? Scott, Kira, I recognized ya from the pictures, great to see you. And Webber, and who's this?

looks at KAM

Well, nobody kidnapped you, you're all starring in my weird Spidermobile dream.

And Bee-Eff, I'd have already played with the sensors if these controls weren't all locked out. Nice to know that our characters replaced the IFOS...

"Well, what height did you think I'd be? Add it, Matt doesn't date plus Women hate tall men with an undying fury equals Matt must be tall." He overhears Jake. "Jake, never fear. I wrote a unpublished Tech Manuel last year. I included a special set of keys that should unlock manuel control. I forget where, oh, Item Z-3 in the Vending Machine. Hey, can we visit Naboo. I wish to visit Otha Gunga."

My goodness, you're right! Kira quickly takes off her blazer, folds it carefully, and stuffs it into her briefcase. I'd much rather be alive for the trip to the dry cleaners.

Um, guys? Guys! Hold on a sec! Before we unlock the controls! I hate to break it to everybody, but as unlikely as this seems, nobody's dreaming. Perpend:

1) Most of us usually dream about better-looking people than the assembled. Also more scantily-clad. Do you really mean to tell me that if you dreamed you were on the Spidership, you'd have replaced Pattie and Donna with KAM and Pesti here?

2) If any of you here were actually dreaming about Kira Sharp-- and you'd better not be because I'm married!-- you'd have conjured up the already-filed Brain Image of me that you know from the pictures. You don't know that I've grown my hair out and gotten glasses since the wedding (see Exhibit A, my present status) and you probably wouldn't have calculated that when I'm not a blushing bride, I'm really not an especially attractive woman. (See Point 1.)

3) I don't know how your days have been so far, but I was on time for work this morning, and the basic premise of the Kira-dream is oversleeping and being late to work! No matter what other surreality it may invent, my unconscious mind *never* gets me to work on time and gives me the best parking space in the lot!

So before we accidentally blow the ship to bits, can we make sure that we have a way back to reality?

Jake looks very very pensive

I think you could be right, Kira, this is very unlike a dream. But how else do you explain it? A REALLY bizarre plot twist that plucks us out of reality and deposits us here in our own dream universe? I don't think even I could think up something THAT ridiculous. I think I'd handle it a lot better if I knew it was some weird hallucination...

Pesti, before we go ANYWHERE, remember that we are on a SPACESHIP in the year THREE-THOUSAND! And two. Are ANY of us accredited astronauts? And despite the very Galaxy-Questish nature of this whole thing, I don't think ANY of us knows how to operate this spaceship. No, BF, you don't know how either. And unless there's an amazing telepathic mind-link teaching tutorial bridge console control interface, I don't think we're going to find out easily.

Plus, Colanator was one of my characters, and Ansh was Jenny's. I don't want to go anywhere without an engineer watching the warp drive.

Additionally, if we can't even go anywhere, how in the heck are we going to get back to reality? I think first things should definitely come first. Let's see if we can get coffee out of the replicator and see if we can find the head, because I have a feeling we'll be here for a while...

Looks at KAM, who hasn't introduced himself yet.

Uh, whoever you are, you might want to change shirts, too... Red is not a particularly healthy color to wear on this ship, as I recall! If you keep that shirt on, then may I suggest you not touch any consoles?

Now for a much more important question... WHERE THE HECK IS THE COFFEE????

ScottN sheepishly realizes where he is. He looks around and walks over to a small recess labelled "Replicator".

Computer. Coffee. Black. Strong. Hot. pauses for a second, and realizes he'd better add... in a coffee mug.

The computer mulls it over, and decides to give him what he asked for.

Wow! It worked!

He tastes the coffee and grimaces.

Obviously I've been neglecting my role as author of the Quartermaster. They need better coffee on this ship.

Jake listens to Scott talking to KAM, then laughs

I think he's right, Keith. Imagine if the Redshirt Gods want to get revenge on you, or maybe they just might want to thank you, I don't know.

Well, this is quite a fascinating hallucination, so I'm going to have as much fun with it as I can without blowing anything up.

walks over to the replicator

Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

picks up the cup of tea, then looks around at everyone's amused expression

Well, I drink Earl Grey in real life.

You guys do realize you're drinking recycled old socks?

Kira, I think replicator stuff is safer than the food or drink we eat at home. I mean, think of how few steps it takes from a dog peeing in a river to drinking water coming out of our faucets, and that's without being disintegrated and undergoing a complete molecular rearrangement thing.