Who am I this time?

And the Part XVII on the left
Shall be a Part XVII on the right

He walks around the bridge. "OK, this can't be a dream." Everyone stops talking and looks at him. "How can you tell?" one of them, he can't tell which becuase he isn't lookign at them, asks. "Simple. The numbers on the displays. Didn't you ever see End of Days? In dreams numbers appear upside down and backwards. These numbers are right side up and forwards." He starts breathing heavy. "Oh no, I'm gonna miss Third Watch!" Suddenly he faints from the realization that he turly is NOT dreaming.

Oh dang, check to make sure he's all right, someone.

moves very very quickly as the floor space she had been occupying is suddenly claimed by Webber's prone form

"Third Watch"?!? "Third Watch"?!?! I'm missing my job here! And I have looks at her watch, which for some bizarre reason is still keeping reality-time uhhhhhhh... six hours to get back home before my husband starts wondering whether I've been kidnapped!

Strides over to the replicator
Water. 3 degrees Celsius. 500 mL. In a paper cup. Takes said liquid and throws it in the unconscious Webber's face.

mutters to self
I've always wanted to do that!

Good thinking Kira. But who even says that time is still going while we're gone? Maybe if we ever get out we can go back to the exact time we left.

He coughs as he wakes up. "I hope so." He coughs again. "Maybe I should use the sickbay while I'm here. This cold has been killing me for three days." He wipes the water off his face. "That was actually quite refreshing. Thanks Kira." He looks at his feet. "Maybe I should also get shoes. Normally I wouldn't care, but-" "You watched Die Hard again last night?" "Yeah."

With a "POOF!" a strange creature replaces the Furby in sickbay. It's a large glowing blue ball with yellow eyes, certainly not somebody you'll mess with.

WTH???

With just another "Poof!" the universe's largest particle changes into a human male aged 31, 6" tall and rather thin, with his hair being on retreat for several years already and his extremely sinister moustache slowly turning gray. Among other things he wears black jeans, a white lab coat and a BOfH shirt. More important he's holding a remote control and an old brown plastic coffee mug.

Was zum...?

After drinking the coffee he presses a button on the remote. Instead of ending the presumed hallucination Holodoc appears. Obviously there are some compatibility issues to be solved in the future.

Yeah? What do you want?

Uh, is this a dream or just a hallucination caused by too much monitor radiation?

No, this is reality. What do you want? I am busy!

Where am I? And why I'm speaking English?

You're on the Spidership of course, in sickbay. And we use the Universal Translator here, remember?

Well..uhh..weird...wtf...

It seems that the guy's brain is working.

Then you must be the one and only Holodoc!

Yes, you bright one. Now, do you have any medical problems? If not, leave!

Ok, maybe I could need a little checkup.

And certainly a spellchecker too! Let's see...

After several minutes all the needed repairs are done.

Hey, that feels great now! Thanks, doc!

I can't believe it. Somebody is thankful. Surely the world comes to a sudden end soon...

You should go to the bridge NOW.

Ok ok, I'm already running! Bye!

Web, glad you're okay. And I think there's a difference between movies and reality and reality and weird made up sci-fi stories...

Well, truth is stranger than science fiction. Especially LICC style truth.

(A thought strikes Padawan, causing him to laugh)

You know, I don't think we're allowed here! Jake, don't you keep saying? We should be on the discussion board, not the story board! (laughs uncontrollably)

He shrugs, and frowns. "Well, it sounded like it made sense. So, any ideas exactly how we ended up here?" He yawns and rubs his eyes. "And where our characters are?"

He slaps Paddy on the shoulder. "I don't think laughing our nerdy little asses off is gonna get us home any sooner. If time in our reality is still mvoing this means I'm gonna the epsiode of Enterprise with Dean Stockwell, and I've so been looking forward to that. And I haven't watched last week's Smallville that I taped yet!" He walks over to a console, and sits in the chair by it and puts his head down. "This licks balls. I just know the first I'm gonna get when I get home is grounded. Like being sucked into an alternate reality with nothing but a pillow and my sweatpants isn't punishment enough. God hates me."

Laughs at Paddy's comment.

I hope the Protectors of the Void or whatever don't come after us...okay, I'd say the first order of business is to get the shields up! Just in case. Paddy, let's see if we can figure out this thing.

Walks over to the Tactical console

Looks sideways as he walks to the Taconsole

Web, life could be a lot worse. Just think, nobody's gotten fried, killed, or anything yet.

I'll check out ops. I mean, I know how to operate basic controls.

(Walks up to the front of the bridge at sits at ops)

This shouldn't be too hard to work out. And I can get things wrong without blowing something up or flying into a star...

The turbolift doors pop open, and Jason steps out. He's 5'8 with brown hair, and blue-grey eyes. He's wearing jeans, a baseball cap, and a t-shirt that says "Without the band, it's only a game." written on it.

Wow... no one in the LICC looks like I expected them too, which is really strange considering that this is all a big halucination.

Everyone explains exactly why this is not a halucination.

Well, that's a relief. At least I'm not insane. Just crazy.

Wait a second. Let's try the easy way. Computer, raise shields.

The computer, having reverted to the Majel Barrett voice since the disappearance of Colanator, responds...

"Negative, you are not command-authorized."

Dang. Paddy, do you remember Milkshake's command code? I think he gave it back during the first Negative story, something with Tangelo and 47...

Kira grits her teeth at Webebr's vocabulary and thinks, "You think you have it bad, Webber? Stuck here with a pillow and sweatpants? I'm stuck here with YOU!" This sentiment does not get expressed aloud because Kira always tries to be nice and see the best in everybody.

One sec, Jake. Let's try the Piper method. Computer!
"Working."
Voice authorization Frangelica!
"Voice pattern confirmed."
This is why you should never make your characters sound like Harrison Ford.
"Computer, raise shields."

A console dwings promisingly.

You're the wind beneath my wings, Kira. smiles You want the command chair?

Kira opens her mouth to say, "I don't think *any* of us should go anywhere *near* that chair," but takes in the assortment of teenage boys eyeing the weapons console and says instead...

If all y'all don't mind me bossing you around, who am I to say no? First things first, who else here looks and/or sounds anything like their character?

Rubbing his chin.

I always pictured Rocket Ranger sounding like me, but slightly deeper and without my accent.

Ojanon looks sort of like me, but more muscular, and with a goatee. That, plus his hair and eyes are green. Sounds nothing like me, though.

Computer, show me the way to the bridge!

The directional displays start to work and the presumed nerd follows them. On a crossing the arrow points to the left but instead of the turbolift one would expect there it's only a small compartment with some emergency lockers.

Oh fine. A left-right anomaly. Is this a mirror universe?

Hey wait, IIRC this is a spaceship. Under certain circumstances a spacesuit would be useful then. And a big gun too.

He finds everything he needs in the locker.

So, where's the manual? Ahh, here it is...

After carefully studying the manual he puts on the plastic spacesuit, of course without closing the helmet.

And now a BFG... Hm, this looks nice! Uh, too heavy for me. But this...Yes!

A close inspection reveals the nature of the basic components: muzzle, magazin, trigger, controls.

Some things obviously haven't changed. They'll never do...

The now heavily armed nerdy guy walks to the turbolift.

Bridge!

After much wandering Jenny comes across a replecator.
"Hmm, a replicator, I must be dreaming about Trek, oh well I might as well.." Computer, one ridiculously long sandwich.

The sandwitch apears and Jenny starts to eat it. After a while she is forced to stop

This is strange, I'm not hungry any more, in fact I'm full! Computer, where am I?
"You are on deck 4"
Of what?!
"The Spidership 3"
The Spidership!

Jenny runs down the corridor and into a turbolift.

"I might as well go to the bridge and see what's going on!" Bridge!

The turbolift arrives on the bridge. Jenny gets out and runs to her brother

You're here too? What's happened? This isn't a dream!

"Hello, Pippin. So you've come on this little expedition too?"

(They both laugh at Padawan's quotation of Meriadoc.)

Kira, I'll take the Science station, I guess, unless you want me somewhere else? Unlike some of the younger types, I have some experience with weapons, given my previous employment. However, if Ensigns Who, What, and Idontknow are around, maybe they should take conn and tactical?

I thought Who, What and Idontknow left the ship a while back?

Folds his arms in front of him.

If no one objects, I'll head back down to Rocket Ranger's lab. We should probably head to Ops later and try to figure out what happened.

He heads to the turbolift.

Ops in one deck 6, in case anyone forgot.

"Hmm, I belive the Spidership is armed to attack Donna. I'll try Darth Pah Armus's secret invasion code Qleor-Extar-Malefortuna"

Access approved

"Cool. Hey I have an Idea. Let's find Earth and visit OVERLORD. Mark Morgan could help us out, I think. Oh, and I was joking about Ottha Gunga. I think this is real too. YOu can only dream about things you have seen. I haven't seen any of you. Though, I supposed we could have all died and this is the Afterlife? "

Computer, access science console, authorization Quantum Man Heisenberg Psi h-bar E 47 kitty.

Access Approved

You're right, Kira. There's definitely something to be said about (sort of) basing your characters on yourself.

Down in Rocket Ranger's lab, BF is sitting in a chair with his legs up on a counter....

Computer, activate lab equipment. Authorization code Wreck Of The Hesperus Who's Your Daddy Soylent Green Is People I Summon The Iron Chefs.

Authentication code, please?

I Shot A Man In Reno Just To Watch Him Die.

Access Granted.

Alright! Lets get cookin', then!

A couple of minutes later...

=/\=Uh, Bridge? I got the lab's equipment to working...fat lot of good it'll do, since I don't have RR's technical skills...BUT...one of the viewscreens flashed to life for a few seconds, and unless its in need of repair, there's someone on board walking around wearing a Rhein Fire NFL Europe football helmet and plastic overalls. And armed with a waffle iron! Couldn't tell what deck they were on, but it looked like they were heading for a turbolift.=/\=

The turbolift's doors open, revealing a figure in a transparent emergency spacesuit, inconspiciously holding a medium phaser rifle at his side.

Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Waugh!

almost ducks, then eyes the scary-looking Electron with trepidation.

Who might you be, then?

Meantime, the communication console has been flashing with many unacknowledged hails and subspace comminiques. Of course, there are flashing lights all over the bridge, and the communication console is perhaps the LEAST-clearly-labelled of the bunch, so it goes unnoticed.

Also, a formerly garishly-colored spaceship, resembling an interstellar dolphin, has been approaching the Spidermobile under cloak. On the bridge, which is kept unnecessarily dark, several crew members speak to each other in Earth-Standard.

"Close to 20 kilometers."

"Aye, Captain."

"Any signs they've detected us?"

"No, sir. In fact, I don't detect any real energy signatures from our quarry. Except for their idling warp engines, they could be adrift."

"Hmm. Could they have been captured as well? Life signs?"

"Fewer than we expected sir, but there are human lifesigns."

"Fine. Continue to close."

as the doors open
Thank goodness someone has some experience. You should probably be calling the shots instead of me, Scott! And Pesti, I really don't think we should be going anywhere. If we hit any villains or space-time anomalies along the way, we wouldn't be able to deal with them. And this League we've made has such a history of hive-whacking that the route to Earth is probably about as safe as a tourist in Ankh-Morpork.

To the newcomer
Hi! We're the authors. Who are you?

Authors? Like in "LICC authors"?

Everybody nods.

Oh, I am known as Electron around here (because there are too many Matts) and I am responsible for the Furbys and other ... creatures.

To the guy with the goatee.

Do you have any suicidal tendencies? If this is the one and only LICC universe then I certainly would NOT wear red.

Looking at a viewscreen that shows what's going on on the bridge.

=/\=Electron, huh? Well, remind me to leave a note to RR about having his monitors fixed...if we ever get out of here. I swear it looked like you were wearing a Rhine Fire helmet and carrying a waffle iron!=/\=

He pauses, and looks around for a PADD.

Ah! There we are....

Quickly scribbles a note on the PADD...after figuring out how to work the durn thing.

=/\=Yeah, wearing red is a BAD idea. I'll look around here and see if Wayne or Kent left any spare silver shirts around. I'm gonna head back up to the bridge in a few secs. Okee dokee?=/\=

slightly preoccupied

Hi 'Lec, nice to meet you in person. Now is it...

Computer, command authorization, Milkshake-Bruce-Tangerine-47.

"Access Denied."

*sigh* Computer, command authorization, Milkshake-47-47-Bruce-Tangerine-Blue.

"Access Denied."

*sigh* No, wait, I'll get it. Meanwhile, Kira, can you unlock the Conn?

Kira does so, but not without reservations, and Jake busies himself examining the console.

Okay, I don't want to push THAT, but I might want to push THIS, and...okay...wait, here we go.

Jake touches a few buttons in sequence, and everyone jumps in surprise as a shudder runs through the ship

Okay. Now we just do THIS...

With the barest of sensations, the ship begins to move.

Excellent, impulse engines engaged. You know, this IS almost point-and-click. Don't worry, I won't take us to warp until we figure out what we're doing.

NANJAO: It's an IFOS!

Would you please stop monkeying with that thing? Where is this ship going and do we want it headed there?

Rhetorical question.

Guys, can we *please* figure out what we're doing here before we start doing figure eights in space?

Computer, scan recent logs and sensor readings for any funky anomalies in reality.
"Parameter 'funky' undefined."
Arrrrrgghhh.

Well, I'll try playing with the weapons.

Jason stepped up to the tactical controls and cleared his throat.

There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe, she had so many children that she didn't know what to do.

Access Granted.

Ah! There we go!

Jason, please DON'T!!!!!!!!

People, these are not toys! These are WEAPONS. They're made to KILL people. For God's sake stop treating this all like a giant theme park! There's going to be an accident and someone's going to get really hurt and none of us are going to be able to do anything about it.

If you're not Scott, please stay away from the weapons console!

Kira buries her face in her hands and thinks, "I'm going to die I'm going to die I'm going to die. I'm stuck on a giant battlecruiser with a bunch of teenage boys and any minute now one of them is going to say, "What does this button do?" and I'm going to die.

Takes his hands off the controls

You're right, Kira, I was only trying to see if I could do it. We're only going forward, slowly, and there isn't anything in our way.

eyes get very wide when Jason steps up to the Tactical console

Jase...don't...touch...the weapons...PLEASE.

Jason, do you have any military experience? No, Duke Nukem and Counterstrike don't count. Be careful, accidents with heavy weapons are usually disastrous.

Down in the shuttlebay...

Wow...

Josh stares in awe at the large shuttlebay he's standing in.

Greg Brookshier huh?

The name was vaguely familiar but he Josh remember why. He takes off the sunglasses and looks back at the open bay doors. His mouth drops.

Oh my- are we in space?

Notices a blinking light on the science console. Pushes the button next to it and a display comes up.

Guys! There's a ship closing to within 20 Km of us!

Computer, identify the ship, and also, computer, where's the communications station?

Ship is unidentified. The Communications station is the fourth portside station from the turbolift door.

Does somebody want to try to hail these guys?

"Captain! They're hailing us!"

"Da##it Angstrom, I thought our cloak was fool-proof!"

"They must have detected our drive plasma, Captain! I'll compensate."

"You'd better. 'Star, what's the situation with their engines?"

"They don't seem to be trying to make an escape, Captain, they're simply following the same course, one-quarter impulse power."

"Well, they've detected us, I doubt they'll write us off as a sensor ghost. Beta, I want subspace jamming. All right, folks, we'll have to implement our plan sooner than we thought..."

Jake is fiddling with the communications console now

Nothin'. Hey, wait, there were a bunch of flashing lights, but now they're all dead. Strange. And this little antenna indicator used to have a big vertical line on top of it but now it's gone and it says "No Signal".

Yeah, Jase, would you fiddle around with a working atomic bomb back home? I think the stuff on the Spidermobile is even stronger than that...

Brian Webber sits back and watches JD play with the console. "We're going to die." he sings to himself, imitating a line from the Red Dwarf episode Dimension Jump. He stands up. "Well don't expect too much help from me. I had Kiehart sounding like Chasing Amy's Jason Lee.*" He follows that with the patented Lee head nod that made Dogma gross $30 Million. "How about some music? I'm sure the computer has all sorts of stuff. What're you guys, and gal, up for? Some Velvet Underground maybe? A little Alanis, or some Indigo Girls?" Everyone turns and looks at him. "What?!? I LIKE the Indigo Girls!" He sighs. "OK, how about Howard Shore's soundtrack to Lord of the Rings?"

Fine, I won't touch anything.

Steps away from the tactical controls and holds up his hands.

But everything is clearly labeled. Just tell the computer what ship to target and what to hit it with.

Web, I doubt the computer HAS archives of music from dating back a thousand years, and I wonder if the groups we're familiar with even existed in this universe. Let's see. Computer, access cultural records, late 20th to early 21st century.

"Working...ready."

Verify existence of these musical groups: Velvet Underground, Alanis Morisette, Indigo Girls.

"No records found."

Hmm, how about Weird Al Yankovic?

"There is a record of an Alfred Yankovic, moderately sucessful polka musician."

Yikes.

Kira, what should we do about these guys chasing us?

Let's see.

Approaches Tactical.

Automatic threat assessment, fire-control solution (Hey, a dozen years ago I had to do this by myself and without a computer!), sensor and target display, shield controls, weapon diagnostics, tactical maneuver override (A joystick! I can't believe it!), the big red button, online manual and and and...

Not bad at all...

Wow! I wonder what else is different in this universe. Don't worry, I'll be at the library computer over there in the corner. The one labeled "Library Computer."

He plays with the controls for a few minutes.

Hey, look at this! The Cincinnati Bengals hold the most Superbowl wins out of all 500 professional teams.

glances over at the Library computer

...'out of all 500 professional teams...in the XFL'?? Things really are different!

Computer, open a channel to that cluster of tachyon particles that is painfully trying to pretend that it is not a ship.
"Channel open."

This is the League of Intergalactic Cosmic Champions. We notice you seem to be trailing us and that your cloak is still engaged. As much as we'd like to assume you naturally travel this way, you must excuse our precautions. Powerful superheroes like us can't be too careful. If you are of Hostile Intent towards us, please give absolutely no sign.

"Notice: Subspace message not sent. Subspace jamming is in effect, as was established in two previous posts."

"Scott N, aren't you a fencer? I think that should make you the weapons guy. Dosen't Observer exist as both author and player? Oh, and Electron, I believe we do have some Combat drones that revolve around the HeLOS, the Half Life Operating system."

Gets a sort of Tommy Lee Jones Deer in the Headlights look on her face

Computer is there an evasive pattern that involves warping away without crashing into any planets and seeing if the hostile ship follows us and shooting at them only if they're keeping up?

"Pattern requested is Evasive Pattern Iota."

Engage it!

Electron, please PLEASE tell me you can use these weapons... I think we're going to need them!

Kira's watch beeps, but the issue of real-time versus passing-time is now secondary in her mind, and she does not stop to reflect as she hastily mumbles...
Baruch ata Ado*** Eloheynu melekh ha-olam asher kidshanu b'mitzvotat v'tzivanu al sefirat ha-Omer. Hayom shmonah v'esrim yom, sh'hem arba'a shavuot la'OMER.

Cleaning his glasses.

We could try "conventional" radio waves or even some blinking lights in morse code.

He groans. "No Velvet Underground? Class-less savages. Computer, how about Dead Kennedys, Anthrax, Public Enemy, or Run-D.M.C.?" "NEgative, Negative, Affirmative, Affirmative." "Woo-hoo! Play some Public Enemy computer. The greatest hits compilation." "Unable to comply. All audio records pertainging to the group Public Enemy are available only in the Smithsonian on Earth." "DAMMIT!" He turns to look at the others. "This is really gonna su-k."

Yesss!

Waitasecond...hm...hm...yeees...hm...good, very good.

I have a target lock at the badly cloaked ship!

Sooo, which weapon should we use in case of a confrontation? The Polymorph Cannon? Or first beep ... beep ... beep an adaptive tachyon beam to disable the cloak? Hehe, they use here more technobabble than in Star Trek!

Btw, you all should try to switch the stations to "dummy" mode. It works here...

Hold on, hold on!

runs over to the Helm, and watches the course headings carefully

I still don't trust computers. Kira, I mean Captain, it says in this little info screen, um, right, we can hold this evasive pattern up to Warp 5. Should we increase?

a annoyed look at Webber

Web, ever stop to think what anyone else might want to hear?

I've got a better idea....

Everyone turns and notices BF standing in front of the turbolift.

Computer, access memory banks and do a cross search for "Godzilla" and "Akira Ifukube", specifically a piece of music called "Godzilla's Battle Theme".

Selection found.

Smiling Excellent. Begin playback.

"Godzilla's Battle Theme" begins to play.

That okay with everyone? Or should I have asked for the theme to Iron Chef?

He looks at Pesti.

Half Life, huh? I prefer the UtOS (Unreal Tournament), myself.

"Hey, I suggested the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, but no one replied!" He sits in a chair and looks at his console. "Hmm. Looks like I got Pseudo-Science station. Could be fu-" He suddenly heard everyone on the bridge shout, "GET HIM AWAY FROM THAT CHAIR!" He stood up. "OK, OK! ••••, you're worse than my Dad! I'm going to the holodeck if anyone needs me. Clearly you guys trust me about as far as you could throw me."

"What, are they crazy?"

"Captain?"

"They detect us and go into such an elementary evasive manuever."

"I don't know, Captain, perhaps they are trying to lull us into a false sense of superiority."

"Whatever game they're playing, we're not buying it. Increase to match their velocity and stay on their tail. Drop the cloak and raise shields and weapons. They won't be able to identify us with the hull disguised and our transponder off."

"Aye sir."

The captain walks over to two shadowed figures in the corner of the dark bridge. One is slumped in a chair, the other is standing near. The captain speaks to the standing one.

"Any luck?"

"No, his mind is too strong. It's taking all I've got to keep him unconscious. If he manages to awaken, I don't think any of us could stop him."

"Hmm, well, keep at it."

"Aye sir."

I wouldn't mind the Iron Chef theme, but I don't think a triumphant piece of music like that is appropriate in THIS situation. Besides, we can't be distracted, computer, cancel music.

"Bwee-bwoop."

Someone get to the communications console and watch to see if that jamming drops!

You've got a point there, Jake. (Pauses) Pesti, check and see if any of those probes happen to be equipped with an EMP weapon. I remember Rocket Ranger fit some onto a few of the spider's probes, but I don't know if they were exhausted or not.

Pauses again.

If whatever's on that ship IS hostile, I certainly hope we don't have to meet them face-to-face. Because my knowledge of hand-to-hand combat stems from watching professional wrestling and Jackie Chan movies...plus fighting dirty. And somehow I don't think a knee to the groin followed by a Diamond Cutter would be too effective!

tensely watching the flashing helm console, sweat forming on his brow

Bee-Eff, remember, EMPs are TWENTY-FIRST century weapons, we're in the THIRTY-FIRST! Shouldn't everything be pulse-shielded by now?

And we should be okay if only we can just lose these guys.

He stops the lift doors from closing and walks out. "You actually LIKE wrestling? Man my opinion of you just dropped about fifty stories. Look, I may not pay that much attention to the finer nuansces(sp?) of this universe, but I do know that the LICC has allies. Allies who have our friend back there outnumbered. If we can get a grip on these funky futuristic computers I'm sure we can lead them into a tidy little ambush." BF looks at him and smiles. "You're smarter than you look." "I'm gonna take that as a compliment. So, Captain Kira, where do you want me to sit?"

Who cares about the bloody music? Electron, you sound like you were in the military, I only dealt with them. You take tactical, I'll stay here at sciences. We need helm and nav... anyone? Anyone good at flight sim video games?

Hands KAM a silver shirt. Here. You'd better ditch that red shirt, and put this on. This is one of Kent's extras, I think. Looks like it would fit you.

Looks at ScottN.

I stink at flight sim video games. Unless its a helicopter, that is.

Looks at Jake. Well, whatever the 31st century equivalent of an EMP is, then. Sheesh!

Walks over to a replicator.

I could use a snack right about now. Thinks for a second. One peanut butter milkshake and a order of Taco Bell Nachos Bel Grande, please. With extra guacamole on the nachos.

He looks at Webber.

Don't get me wrong. I know professional wrestling is fake, but I watch it anyway. And by the way...

points at a strange picture Webber is looking at.

...a sailboat, huh?

"Yeah, a sailboat. I've seen it before. Anyway, I'm out on the Helm. The only way I could beat a flight sim was to use cheat codes. If anyone needs help building an empire though, I'm a rated ace at CivII."

He walks over to the replicator. "Yoo Hoo, Apple Jacks, and a stack of DC comics about yeah high." "Unable to comply." "What?" "This replicator is not designed to replicate non-food items." "Fine, just give me a bowl of popcorn." "Desired topping?" "Hungarian paprika." Everyone looks at him, yet again. "Don't judge me! It's better than butter and salt!"

I'm already at helm, guys, remember? You'd think even if you didn't read all the posts you'd at least watch what's going on...

Sorry, sorry, I'm getting a little tense, getting chased in a spaceship is new to me. It'd be nice if we all could stop to eat in the middle of a chase....

the replicator beeps at BF's request

"Unable to comply. Every recorded milkshake recipe is property of Wacky Steve, Inc."

Fine, then. Give me a Diet Mountain Dew, instead.

As per BF's request, he gets a few pages on which is detailed a very sucessful diet, and also a cold glass of dew collected on the finest mountaintops of Earth.

Uh, Electron, can I...um..uh...take a look at that phaser rifle for a second?

I would take Adon's combat-suit out and try and drive off that ship, but I'm not entirely sure how to operate it.

Does anyone want to try their hand at firing a warning shot at that ship? There's a button marked "warning shot" on the tactical controls.

BTW, I'm pretty good at flight sims, expecially the combat type. I just have trouble landing.

Right, we need the music from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan here, I think.

(to Pesti)

That's what I thought. I wonder where Observer is...

I have an idea how to make the ship respond. Unfortunately, I lack the skills to implement the plan, but its a good idea, anyway.

Everyone pays close attention.

We figure out a way around the jammer, then we invade their ship's comm system and set it to shipwide broadcast, fix it so they can't shut it off, and pipe in the Gerardo classic, Rico Suave. They'd be BEGGING to surrender within 30 seconds, guaranteed!

He pauses, and everyone else groans.

Gerardo. Because John Tesh would be TOO cruel!

Say, the computer told KAM this was the Spidermobile III, but it told Jenny that it was the Spidership 3.

You know you're in trouble when even the computer can't figure the proper name of the ship.

(Earlier when JD said,) I dreamed before that I met Webber and KAM

Was that a dream or nightmare?

(And when Matt said,) Women hate tall men with an undying fury

You must live in the wrong part of the world. Back when I use to read the Personals a large number of women specified that the men be "at least 6 foot tall". Oddly enough most of the women wanting tall men were around five foot nothing themselves.

(And when BF handed him the silver shirt)
Not everybody who wears a redshirt dies. Redshirt Picasso, while horribly disfigured in a transporter accident, survived. Redshirt Cubby survived losing 60% of his body and Qunicy Rnager was a redshirt for six months before he was killed by the spellchecker. Also one story dealt with an alien beam that turned everyone's shirts red and most survived. (KAM leans on a console, which suddenly sparks & KAM is engulfed by a cloud of smoke. When it clears KAM is covered with scorch marks but is otherwise unharmed. The shirt however is destroyed.) See what I mean.

Thanks for the shirt.

Although maybe I should replicate a shirt like Mr. Obvious'. (Puts on the silver shirt) Or do y'all think I would look better wearing 2 slices of cheese. (Smiles at the accompaning groans)

(KAM straightens up, puts on a serious face, puffs out his chest & in a deeper voice says) Computer! Identify my voice!

Computer: Mr. Obvious.

(KAM's body relaxes, a smile crosses his face and in a more gentle voice asks) Computer, would you please identify my voice?

Computer: Mr. Absurd.

(To the others on the bridge) And I also do a great Quito Power. (He then moves his lips without making a sound.)

(Deep voice) Computer, where is the nearest nebula that should be avoided by ships flying at warp?

Computer: The Space Reef Nebula 4.7 light years away Heading 0-0-4 by 0-0-7.

If we were heading toward that and hit Emergency All Stop would the Inertial Dampers protect us?

Computer: It is theoretically possible, but never been tested.

(Normal voice to the others) Well, we could head for that nebula, then as we get close we could drop to lower than the ship following us & hit the brakes. With luck the other ship will fly at warp into the nebula & we won't be chunky salsa on the front viewscreen. Whadya say?

BTW where's Jon? Last I remember both Tacomen & Butrfli were on the Bridge?

Yayyyyy! They mentioned Qunicy!

BF, have a look at it. I've set it on light stun - you never know what could happen here. As you can see there are pictograms on the rifle which describe how to use it.

Oh, and I have an idea regarding the attack "music".

Computer, do you have any audio recordings of the Furbys singing?

Unfortunately, yes.

Then is it possible (once we have hacked into their comm systems) to transfer the "music" to the unknown ship without having to hear it ourselves?

Fortunately, yes.

Nice.

ScottN, I never thought that the eight months in the army a dozen years ago would be useful again.

Winces at the appelation "Captain Kira," but since Electron and Scott-- who really know what they're doing-- don't seem to mind, figures she could use the ego massage.

All these hacking ideas are extraordinarily clever, if only someone can implement them. Is anyone here--besides Jake, whom we need at the helm-- an accomplished enough hacker to use 13st century equipment that he's neverseen before to hack into the systems of an unidentified ship?

whispers to Scott
Let them play with the music. If it keeps them happy and out of trouble, it's the least harm they can do. I sure wish I were so certain about our survival chances that I felt like fooling around with the stereo. And speaking of stereo, do you think you can find a radio transmitter here that might bypass the subspace jam?

Webber, why don't you take the emergency engineering systems sub-monitoring station. If we get shot at we'll need someone telling the computer to do automatic damage control and such.

Electron, you have more experience in combat than any of us. Should we stay on this evasive pattern or risk a sudden stop in front of the nebula?

Do they have an IFOS? Probably. Hopefully.

I'd say we should first try to find out how maneuverable the unknown ship is compared to us. Let's continue the evasive pattern with some small and inconspicious additions from our best joystick artist. If it turns out that we have the better brakes then we could indeed head for the nebula.

"Are we ready?"

"Ready, Captain."

"Fire."

The unknown ship begins blasting the Spidermobile with finely tuned pulse phasers, with the purpose of battering down the Spider's shields.