A board a day is all we ask.

Wow, is this moving faster or is it me?

This isn't good!

Helm, set a straight course into empty space at maximum warp! Or at least try it.

Then prepare to shut down the warp drive without doing a full stop. The warp field should stay in the coils long enough. If we are still alive then do a 180 degree turn so that our forward cannons point at the attacker.

Computer, could you please analyze the data from the enemy ship and choose the best weapon to disable it's shields and maybe weapons too?

How in the heck do you know this stuff, Electron? Nevermind...Alright, um...

punches course numbers in one by one

2...2...7..by 0...6...2...um, Warp 9.95...okay. Where's the engage button? Uh oh, is this it? NO, that was cancel! Argh! Okay, 2-2-7 by 0-6-2 Warp 9.95...hold on...it says 'Scanning for course obstructions"...

The ship rattles and shakes with the aggressor's weapon fire

Well, I have read the ST Technical manual and played several Wing Commander computer games and SWotL too.

Electron, if we get out of this alive, remind me to buy you the biggest beer you've ever seen.

Holds on and prays as the Spidership goes to maximum warp. Then something occurs to her. She jumps off the arm of the command chair and hits the only button on the communication panel that is still flashing.

All hands, this is the bridge. We're trying something reckless so everybody fasten seat belts or hall restraints!

The other people on the bridge look at her in surprise.

We're not the only authors on the ship, and I'd hate to be walking through the hall when we shut off the warp drive.

Pause

Don't tell me that Spaceball One has seatbelts and this thing doesn't.

Thankfully, a brief glance confirms that all bridge seats do have buttons labelled "Five-Point Restraints." Kira scuttles back to the big chair and buckles herself in.

Well, at least we're not at Ludicrous Speed.

Scott moves to the comm console, and tries to make some sense of it.

The computer is spitting out some incomprehensible technobabble that I won't bother repeating, but the gist of it is that I think I can work around the jamming. What do we want, Furby, Tesh, or Britney Spears as a weapon?

And you people yelled at me for playing with weapons of mass destruction...

More weapons fire rattles the ship, and Jason stumbles accross the bridge. In his effort to regain his balance, he accidently hits the tactical controls, launching torpedos back at the enemy ship. Most of them miss, but a few scored direct hits, causing the attacker to back off a little.

Sorry! It was a acccident, I swear!

I always get these things tangled up!

fusses with his seat belts, then finally just ties them in knots around his waist, chest, and legs. The ship continues to shake

Ready when you are, Cap'n Kira!

Sooo...if the computer is right then we need a few well-placed torpedoes to penetrate their shields and then a few ion blasts to shut down the weapons.

mumbling

Hm, which button is the next to press?

Kira, I'm going to hail them. Computer, please prepare a Britney Spears medley for broadcast. Transmit it only on confirmation by two officers.

Presses some buttons.

Computer, all transmissions are to be audio only until further notice.

This is the Amazing Quantum Man of the LICC. Who are you and why are you firing at us?

Warning - use of Britney Spears music as a weapon was banned by the Treaty of 2347. Use of said music is a war crime, punishable by use of Britney Spears music.

OK, set up Furby's singing for broadcast. Transmit only on confirmation by two officers.

Operation Confirmed.

"LICC, drop your shields immediately. This is your only warning."

"Oh yeah sure, we'll drop our sheilds. We'll drop our pants and bend over too while we're at it," he mutter under his breath. "Did ANYONE ehar what I said about Allies, or did you just decide to ignore it because I thought of it?"

Hey, they can talk. And I already thought we had to use some form of Blinkenlights to communicate with them.

Btw, our shields are holding fine. It seems they have some sort of automatic readjustment. I have no idea how it works but at least it does.

WHUMP

The Spider shudders violently, sending everyone not buckled in sprawling across the bridge. The computer's soft voice sounds above the chaos

"Warning: Tactical Console unmanned. Shields failing. Attempting to compensate."

Huh? I really don't like this. And, computer, you should recognize the Furby's authorization code: Har Har Har!!!

The tactical station is under Furby control now. How embarassing.

Hm, what would be the best piece of technobabble now? "Computer, reroute auxiliary power to the shields!"

Positive beep.

Now, IIRC we have here even some launchers in the stern of the ship. Let's prepare a friendly answer.

The seconds pass...

N... O... P... Q... Quantum Torpedoes. That's it! Ok, the launchers are being loaded. Fire pattern? Grrr, I am not Worf! Oh wait, that must be drag&drop! Yeeees, one right into the center and four at the edges.

I think I could fire a torpedo salvo now. After the impact we should do the planned before maneuver. Probably we only have a 1:1,000,000 chance but it could work.

Kira, do you want to send Furby song at them?

Bah, Women want their men to end at 6,2. In any case, Those probes work like heck, any Frag game you want to. But they are pretty much like battletech. We also have a magic lab, a training room, and a ice creme bar. I also thought of something. Computer, activate help."

"Hi! I'm Coily the Spring Sprite. I will guide you through the operation of this ship. What you like to do" says a hologram that appears on the bridge.

getting up with great difficulty, the command chair still strapped to her butt... I guess something don't change even with seat belts!

Yes please!

Webber, I actually didn't hear what you said.

Waddles over to where the command chair is supposed to be and plunks herself down.

Smiling deviously.

You know, I may not have Rocket Ranger's technical abilities, but I DO have his cleverness.

Changes his voice, losing the accent and making it slightly deeper (although that is barely noticable.

Computer, prepare three Class VI Goofball probes and launch on Milkshake or Frangelica's order.

Affirmative.

Turns toward everyone.

They create broad spectrum inteference for a short period of time. They should jam the enemy ship's sensors for at least a couple of minutes when used.
Fortunately, the spidership is shielded from their effects. Part of the last systems upgrade.

smiles.

There. That should help.

He pauses.

Maybe I should try to activate the ThunderWolf and bring it here under autopilot. It can defend us, if necessary.

Computer, add my authorization to Frangelica's. Please broadcast Furby song to the attacking ship, bypassing the subspace jamming, as before.

Authorizations accepted. Transmitting Furby song.

WHUMP!!

Another volley of shots strikes the Spidermobile, causing the ship to shake even harder this time. The computer now sounds extremely calm.

"Shields down."

"Their shields are down, Captain."

"Good. Energize on my-"

"Captain, they're hailing us."

"Let's see if they're surrendering. On speakers."

The Furby song begins

"ARRRRRGHH!!!!!!!!!"

"ARRRRRGHH!!!!!!!!!"

"ARRRRRGHH!!!!!!!!!"

"Odd. Why 'Heat of the Moment'?"

Anyone know the right technobabble for restoring shields?

Ow, note to self: stronger knots next time.

Jake gets up from where he was thrown, near the replicator.

How about, Computer, restore shields!

"Unable to comply, forward and aft shield generators overloaded. Minor damage to aft shield generator."

Computer, repair bots to the shield generators. Reroute power to the shields as needed.

Jake, maybe it's now time for the turnaround.

Fires the torpedo volley at the attacker.

Okay okay...

runs back to the helm, starts tapping things

Good, there's something like an order queue, so I can program the stop and the turnaround at the same time. Wait...if we do a full stop and 180 degree turn, won't the creeps overshoot us, while we turn in the wrong direction?

Not a full stop! We're going smoothly out of warp.

"Computer, do a search on the term Alpha Strike." "Alpha Strike: The unloading of all forward firing wepaosn simultaneously into a single target. Runs a 49% chance of overlaoding the forward weapons systems." "Woo-hoo! I knew all those years playing SF would come in handy. Now we have an ace up our sleep. I say we go back and teach these ••••••• clown shoes a lesson in why it pays to be nice to nerds."

These guys probably won't be affected by the Furby song forever, and can't they just blow us up when we smoothly come out of warp and turn around? And if they are still affected when we smoothly come out of warp, won't they just overshoot us anyway because they're not paying attention?

rubs his forehead

No, I don't have any better ideas. Entering the command thingys for the maneuver.

Wait wait wait. I typed in SFB and sleeve properly, I know I did!

Remember the saucer of the Enterprise-D being separated at warp? You shut off the active warp drive, our warp coils still keep the warp field and our velocity slowly goes down. But immediately after shutting down the drive you use the maneuvering thrusters to turn the ship around - without changing the course. This has to be done very quickly so that the attacker can't overshoot us. When he comes close our FULL GUNS will hold a speech.

Of course we could maybe collide...

'Lec, I'm just a computer technician from a grape-and-corn town in Northern California, I have no idea if I can even execute a maneuver like this. And Star Trek is TV, this is reality...

looks around at the bridge

..as it were. Alright, assuming I can shut off the drive and get us turned around in time, we'll have a split second window to fire at an enemy STILL traveling at warp...plus, you say the warp coils will still hold the field. What's going to happen when we get turned around? Can we rotate freely within the field which doesn't itself move, or is the field going to get turned around and we'll suddenly be heading at high warp speed in the exact OPPOSITE direction, or is the field going to dissolve, leaving us high and dry in normal space with no velocity?

Good idea, Floyd. We'll launch the probes as soon as Electron's strike finishes. That should give us time to regroup if we don't destroy them in one round.

And Jake's voice patterns don't match Commander Milkshake's... do they?

thinks for a minute
Where's that smegging hologram?
Smegging hologram approaches and offers its invaluable services.
Are the aft weapons on this ship in any way inferior to the forward ones?
Coily confirms that they are not.
Electron, as we fire, should we rotate the ship so as to have our aft shields between us and them? They're damaged but they're better than nothing.

to Jake

If the field generator are off, the field should maintain the same speed and direction that it had just as the generators were shut down. So we should be able to rotate within the field without worries about highness and dryness.

There's no apparent effect from the Furby songs.

Computer, are there any prohibitions against the use of John Tesh music?

No such prohibitions are recorded.

Excellent. Computer, change broadcast from Furby song to John Tesh music.

Computer, is there a "100 Greatest Hits of the Hampsterdance" on file?

"Affirmative."

Scott, if the John Tesh music needs a backup, you may want to try that.

After getting up from being thrown to the floor of the shuttlebay and being slightly shocked as to where they are himself, Greg speaks.

Yeah. It looks like we are in space. I call myself Nawdle on the NitCentral boards to avoid being confused for my brother. I think I know where we are. But I better check.

Computer, where are we?

The main shuttlebay of the Spidership.

Right. Looks around and spots a turbolift.

I think we better get to the bridge.

Forward shields at 70%, after shields at 20%. The repair bots are doing a great job.

So I'll fire another torpedo volley while the fine music plays, they are temporarily paralyzed, we turn around and attack with our stronger forward shields protecting us.

Jake, just ask the computer. There should be an assistant or wizard to help you.

Webber, you might be smarter than I gave you credit for. I'm glad someone thought about pulling an Alpha Strike. We may have to resort to that. What I wouldn't give for a huge gauss rifle and some pulse lasers right now....

He pauses.

I rocked at Mechwarrior 1, 2, and 3. Haven't played 4 yet, though.

He looks at Kira.

Glad you liked my idea. But, don't launch all 3 probes at once. I suggest launching one, then the other two at one minute intervals. They'll be more effective that way.

"Argh, ah, that's better. Thanks for disabling all the bridge speakers, Beta."

"Think nothing of it, Captain."

"All right, status, crew."

"All decks are reporting in slowly, Captain. We're blocking the Spider's transmissions."

"What are they trying to do?"

"It appears they are arming all weapon systems, Captain. Their probe launcher bays have just opened."

"Hmm. Keep on alert, and keep those shields up no matter what. This is very odd. Their battle tactics have been innovative, but very very amateurish. Fine. Keep on the watch for anything new, crew. Let's concentrate on getting those shields down again. The second they fail, initiate Phase III immediately."

"Aye sir."

At first, Josh didn't respond to Greg's advice. He had been staring at the ship sitting at the wall of the bay. Rikard's fighter.
We're in the LICC universe? That's impossible!
He looks around.
Yet, here I am, on the Spidership. Well, the bridge sounds like a good idea to me. Let's go.
He and Greg enter the turbolift.
Bridge they say in unison. Seconds later, the lift stops and opens.
Whoa. I never expected the bridge to look like this.

All subspace transmission are being blocked.

Just a quick note: It seems that our dear enemies systematically target our shields. Major, err, Captain Kira, could you please order the Redshirts to deploy transporter scramblers all around the ship?

Thinks, "This is just too weird. Now Electron, without whom we'd all be component molecules by now, thinks he's answering to me!"

Computer, deploy transporter scramblers all over the ship and initiate all invasion-blocking sequences.

Notices the new arrivals
Hi guys, join the party. We're being shot at, Herr Electron over here has some military experience so he's saving our butts and these fellas are helping, all suggestions as to how to repel attackers welcome. And feel free to grab a seat and get belted before the barrage starts again.

Electron, how long do you think we should keep running until we try making a 180?

Kira's watch beeps for the third instance in what seems to have been a comparitively short time. Her first reaction is to ignore it, but her more responaible side gets the better of her.
Baruch ata Ado*** Eloheynu melekh ha-olam asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al Sefirat ha-omer. Hayom tisha' v'esrim yom sh-hem arba'a shavuot v'yom echad la'OMER.

Well, I've got a few ideas, but none of them are any good....

Plan 1. We find a way to break through their jamming and somehow convince them that one of LICC's most powerful enemies is actually in control of the ship.

Plan 2. Someone stays here while the rest of us head to the cargo bay and does an Alpha Strike. If the weapons do burn out, or the enemy ship isn't severely damaged or destroyed, we evacuate on the SnowCrane and transport whoever stayed behind off the bridge and onto the SnowCrane. Only problem is, that would leave the spidership in the hands of the enemy.

Plan 3. We find out if we have anything remotely like Talking Bombs on board and somehow transport them onto the enemy ship. Only problem is, even if we have something like that on board, we'd have to destroy or jam the enemy's shields first.

Plan 4. We search everywhere, primarily the armory and Rocket Ranger's lab for all the weaponry and gadgets we can find, arm ourselves with them, then pretend to surrender and blast the enemy when they beam over. Only problem is, we don't know who are what we're facing. For all we know, this could be an enemy as powerful as Taconator or Darth Terror. Or worse. And we don't know if they would even accept a surrender or keep shooting.

Plan 5. Similar to Plan 4, except instead of arming ourselves, we somehow find a way to direct their transports to one of the holodecks, and make sure all the safeties are off. Has the same problems as Plan 4, unfortunately.

Plan 6. Any combination of elements from Plans 1 through 5.

I'm still working on some other ideas, though.

The nitpicker in me is boiling to the surface, Bee.

Plan 1, the enemy of my enemy is not ALWAYS my friend.

Plan 2 doesn't sound too bad. IF we can get out of here, we can once again use our omnipotent author-powers to fix things. That's one of the WORST things about the situation we're in, losing our abilities to make situations easy for us. (Right?)

Plan 3, do ANY of us want to get anywhere NEAR the Talking Bombs?

Plan 4, I don't know about you, but I never wanted to join the military, and I REALLY didn't want to FIGHT anyone. How many of us would want to try to fight these guys hand-to-hand, and if this ISN'T a hallucination, who wants to take the risk?

Plan 5, for every single piece of technology out there there is probably a way around it. What if they got angry and diverted their own destinations to telefrag us or something?

I favor just trying to find some way to hide or get away, FAST.

Scott goes back to the science station.

Computer, display enemy shield status and information. Can we get information on their internal computer network?

Working. Shield information displayed. Scanning for networking protocols. Complete.

ScottN looks stunned.

That's not possible! This IS the 31st Century, isn't it? Computer, tap into their systems, stealth mode, password "!seineew era sreenigne epacsteN".

Working. Access successful. Stealth hack successful.

Guys, I'm into their computers!

Hi! I'm a 30 second bomb!
Hi! I'm a 29 second bomb!
Hi! I'm a 28 second bomb!
...

"They're attempting to hack into the main computer, Captain."

"I thought I said ALL transmissions would be blocked!!"

"They used a networking transport protocol."

"Jam it, now."

"Aye, sir."

"Angstrom, report."

"Ready, Captain."

"All right. We'll make a hole."

"Doesn't have to be big, Captain."

"Right. Tactical, fire pulse phasers in a concentrated burst at...that tiny right aft shield section, just above the warp nacelle."

"Aye sir, firing...direct hit, the section is failing."

"Energize!"

"Transport complete, Captain, Angstrom is away."

"Can they detect it?"

"They shouldn't, it would resemble background radiation. I don't think even our sensors could detect a transport that small."

"Good. Increase speed slightly, I want to almost overtake."

"Aye, sir."

In order to increase the 'Wrath of Khan' feel I'd say that our enemy's patterns indicate 2-dimensional thinking, but actually that more describes ourself.

When we get back to our own dimension we should use or omnipotent author powers to make the ship simple to operate in case this happens again!

Dangblast it! I just remembered something.....

He stands up and pauses.

I'll be right back. There's a couple of things I saw back in the lab that might come in handy.

Runs to the turbolift and exits the bridge.

I shouldn't think it would be all that hard to manuever. Remember the Spider's legs provide propulsion & they are manueverable. We should be able to pull a loop-de-loop while our tailgaters are still moving straight and allow us to fire at the back of their ship for a change.

Then again while they are behind us maybe we should drop something at them from the rear cargo bay?
(Deep voice) Computer! What size is the largest portable hole on the ship?

Computer: 2 meters x 2 meters.

Hmmm, shame there isn't one big enough to fly a ship into.

On another note who, or what, is behind this? Presumably some all powerful entity thought it would get it's jollies out of watching a bunch of authors struggling to survive in their own created universe. So do you think it will return us if we give it a good show, or will it just let us die when it gets bored?

Then again if the attacking ship were only 6 foot x 6 foot...?

(relaxed voice) Computer? Do we have any radioactive Preperation H™ on board?

Yeah, right. Like the computer will HEAR a spelling error.

Mift, our after shields are fluctuating.

Payback time.

Fires another volley at the pursuer. Four Mk.47 quantum torpedoes hit exactly in the center, creating a small hole in the shields. But what's that? Somehow the fifth torpedo has become a large barrel that hits the enemy's main sensor phalanx.

Oops. Wrong button.

Waitasecond, their sensors are jammed now! What a mess. I certainly don't want to clean up this.

Shame I'm such a scatterbrain and didn't think of this sooner. (Mr. Absurd voice) Oh, computer. Do we have any Bizarro, or Zinoboppian, duplicator rays?

Computer: Yes. One of each.

Muhahahahahahaha! (in Mr. Burns voice) Eeeeeeeeeeeeexcellent.

(Mr. A's voice) Fire Bizarro ray on the attacking ship.

(Suddenly there are two ships behind the Spidermobile, the original & a Bizarro duplicate. The duplicate begins firing cream pies at the original.)

If you can't defeat your enemy, annoy them until they start making mistakes.

"Bad news, Captain. They're starting to fight goofy now."

"Argh, I thought we had evolved past this sort of nonsense. How are the sensor repairs?"

"Proceeding well."

"Fine. Activate the Sub-Normality Field. It should take care of that ridiculous substitute."

"Aye, sir."

"Meanwhile, I'm getting tired of this. Resume firing. Batter them around a bit. Be creative."

"Aye, sir!"

If you've jammed their sensors, now's our chance! Computer, fire a duplicator blast with a moral compromise phantasmagatron phasor and... err.... something to prevent it duplicating lifeforms at this ship!

The computer complies, and now there are four ships warping along: the attacking ship, its Bizarro duplicate, the Spidership, and a Spidership ghost.

Jake, can you correct our course heading to move us up by 1 km? And then out and away by 45 degrees in all directions! And for God's sake, engage our cloaking device!

Jake splutters in frustration as he is expected to do three things at once on a control panel he's still not sure he knows how to use!

Sorry, sorry. Computer, engage cloaking device!

As Jake moves the Spidership up and out of the way, it cloaks itself. The alien ship continues chasing the Spidership's unmanned duplicate, hampered in its efforts by the barrage of pies coming from its Bizarro couterpart. The three other ships, still warping off in the original direction, rapidly disappear frmo the short'range sensors.

Let them chase that for as long as they want. It'll give us a chance to repair the shields and load up a set of more creative weapons.

MUHAHAHAHA! BOW BEFORE ME!

Errr... as the three ships more into long range, the Bizarro duplicate disappears into a Sub-Normality Field. The duplicate Spidership remains, since it was relatively normal to begin with.

AAAAAAAA! Darth Simultaneous Posts is duplicating himself and posting at the same time! AAAAAA!!!!!

Adon jumps out the window, much like Jason would have, had Jason not been trapped on the Spidership.

So who are these guys anyway? The actors who play the LICC?

They sure don't look like them. Those make-up guys must be pretty good.

And where's that chick who plays Enesku?

A door on the bridge opens, and a short, brown haired, green eyed unshaven guy with a goatee walks out carrying a Mad Magazine. He's wearing glasses, a long sleeved sweatshirt, a pair of jeans, and a pair of socks. He looks at the scene in front of him and drops his magazine in suprise.
Where am I? This definitly isn't home...
He notices the assembled throng
Ok, where am I, and who are all of you?

They're trying to jam me....

Computer disable jamming at their end, but make it appear to their sensors that jamming is enabled.

I can't believe that they're using Microsoft Windows 3000 on their systems!

wearily
You must be Jon. Good timing. They just stopped shooting at us. Welcome to the LICC universe. We're your fellow authors and we're all stuck here until we can figure out what sent us here in he first place and how to undo it.

Webber or Paddy or someone on that side of the room, how's the damage situation look? Shield repair bots doing their jobs?

Something finally registers
Scott, did you just say you've hacked into that other ship's computers? Can you do some serious damage before they catch on?

LICC universe? Then this would be the Spidership, right? Where are the characters? And would all of you be kind enough to introduce yourselves, please?

I thought the Spider was jammed two EPISODES ago or something.

"Ssh, don't spoil it."

multitasking
I can't believe that the absence of armed revolution has allowed the existence of a Microsoft 3000! Can you bring their weapons offline too?

Computer, status of shields!

"Aft shields 50%. Forward shields 90%. Repairs underway."

Gotta love those repair bots. Remind me to buy them a beer too.

I'm Kira, as should be pretty obvious from gender and age, and that's JD at the helm and Electron at tactical and ScottN with the linux shirt at science. KAM's over there in silver and the half-naked guy is Webber and that's Paddy and Jenny and Jason and Pesti. Floyd was bere a minute ago, but he's gone down to Rocket's lab. And I have no idea who those two are, but the Observer and Josh Mastin and Nawdle and Perkins are still unaccounted-for so they're probably some of them.

"They're trying still trying to gain access and are attempting to pull a jam-switch on us, Captain. If not for the DMZ and our strong firewalls they'd be in right now."

"Disable the switch in the DMZ and set up a bogus mainframe emulator on the virtual proxy server. Make it look like they've got in, and feed them system data that says we're nearly beaten or something."

"Aye, sir."

"Make sure they can't get out of the DMZ if they tried, and enable highest-level encryption on the entire network."

"Aye, sir."

"How's Phase IIIb going?"

"No word yet, sir."

"We look OK, but then again I'm as good with computers as Jordan was at baseball."

Half-naked? He replicated a shirt last chapter!

I'm just glad that this isn't the Archangel adventures... us clowns against Jake Grey would not be pretty.
Jake, I have an idea... since our characters had Cybersuits, perhaps there's some spare ones somewhere. We could put them on or something...Maybe even order some for everybody else.

Oh hi Jon, sorry, I was busy on this console.

Cybersuits, huh? That might be a good idea, but I wonder how we can order them without the radio...

Computer, disable all console access from their ship. Heighten our firewalls.

Hmmm... they seem to be tracking me, even when I stealth the access.

Computer, give me a high power, quantum encrypted, directional beam to Terra. If Microsoft is still around...

Connection Established. Quantum Encryption enabled. Tapping will be detected.

Excellent. This is the LICC calling the Business Software Alliance. We would like to report a ship at coordinates {-- reads enemy coordinates off of console --} which has a large amount of pirated software. May I recommend that you initiate an immediate audit?

This is the BSA. We thank you for your consideration. An audit team is being sent out at maximum warp.

Computer, close channel.

There! That should take care of them!

=/\=I'm listening on the comm system. Jon, welcome to the ship. Why don't you and Jake go check Tacoman and Milkshake's quarters? There might be spare sets of exoskeleton wristbands there. You'd be able to use those to armor up. I think.

I'll be back on the bridge in a few minutes. I found a spare armor chestplate I can actually fit into, but it doesn't have any gear built into it. And I've also got a few other gadgets I found. All I need now is a replicator that can create clothing...

As for weapons....anyone here have any experience using crossbows? I found two of Crimson Crossbow's spares and some bolts in a weapons locker.=/\=

=/\=Oops! Forgot to mention something. (Loud crashing sound heard) C-r-a-p! Knocked over a storage cabinet. Anyway, Scott, while you're fooling around with their systems, why not tap into their e-mail and send them a ton of spam? Time shares and get rich quick schemes. That kind of junk. No porn, though. They might enjoy that.=/\=

Down in the lab, BF, wearing a blue metal chestplate over his clothing, looks at the cabinet he knocked over. He opens the door, kneels down and examines the contents, then smiles.

=/\=Hey! Remember those Wraith Shield Pods I had RR make and equip several characters with for an adventure a while back that no one ever used? Well, I just found four of them! I'm keeping one for myself. Who wants the other three?=/\=

Jake, I'll go check for armor and exoskeleton wristbands.
Jon enters the turbolift and it descends. An hour later, the turbolift appears and opens, and a small version of Tacoman's armor walks out of it followed by Milkshake's armor. The figure in Tacoman's armor removes the helmet, revealing Jon's head.
I found the suits.. Luckily, Tacoman and Milkshake had spare suits. It's also lucky that at least Tacoman's suit can do self-alterations to fit whoever's wearing it. I managed to get Milkshake's armor to follow me somehow, and I also found the exoskeleton bracelets.
Jake, I think there's a way to contact CyberTec using these suits.. I think it's in case the wearer is in a place without a radio. Meaning that we'll be able to get suits for the rest of the group.

[This takes place after Jon leaves the bridge, but before he comes back.]

The turbolift to the bridge opens, and out steps BF. However, he is now wearing a blue metal chestplate, a black hood and cloak, some sort of blue helmet that covers his entire head except for the lower part of his nose and his mouth, a blue and silver metal belt with several storage pods on it, black pants (similar to those worn by the various shirts that crew the spidership, silver metal wristbands with buttons of some kind on them, black leather gloves, and silver and blue metal boots. He is also holding a black metal case of some kind.

So...whattya think?

Places the case on the floor, and opens it.

Okay, I've got 3 extra Wraith Shield Pods, two of Crimson Crossbow's extra crossbows and several different kinds of bolts to go with them, four phasers, a Glue Grenade Launcher with 6 Glue Grenades, and enough comm badges for everyone.

Who wants what?

By the way, have we found out how we got here yet?

Computer, are the console panels coffee-proof?

Yes, unless you are a Redshirt.

Fine. Replicator, do you know something that is called "Raktajino", some sort of Klingon coffee?

ACK beep

Nice. Is it safe for humans to drink it?

ACK beep

Good. Then fill this mug with Raktajino, please.

The hot liquid materializes in the old brown plastic mug.

Hm. Smells great. Tastes great. DS9 was right!

Btw, call me paranoid but I have the distinct feeling that our "friends" are planning something special. We must be extremely careful.

Greg who had sat down at the Pseudoscience station when he got to the bridge finally speaks to Jon.

I'm Greg aka Nawdle. Sorry I didn't answer you earlier Jon. But I'm still in quite a bit of shock about where we are. And I'm trying not to freak out.

Greg turns to BF.

Umm...I guess I'll take a phaser and a communicator. Better give me one of those Wraith Shield Pods too.

Hands Greg a phaser, communicator, and a Wraith Shield Pod, then hands everyone else a comm badge as well.

There. We might need those in case we get separated, or something.

(Mr. Obvious' voice) Computer! Why did the Bizarro ship disappear?

Computer: Evidence indicates they established a Sub-Normality Field which disrupted the basic structure.

But that shouldn't work. The Bizarro ship was as real as their ship & the Spidermobile.

Computer: Incorrect. The Spidermobile had insufficient energy to replicate a complete ship. The majority of the Bizarro ship was constructed from hyperexcited matter & Nevesytrof.

Oh, drat. Who would have thought that physics would exist in the LICC Universe?

Computer: Please restate question.

Never mind. Do we have enough energy to activate the Zinobop Dupe-O-Matic.

Computer: Not at present.

What if we shut down non-essential systems?

Computer: There would be just enough to create living & breathing duplicates.

Okay. (To the rest of the Bridge in a normal voice) For those of you who don't remember, or more likely, never read it, the Zinobop Dupe-O-Matic was used by Mr. Absurd against the ex-Wanderer Adon was fighting on Artsy's home world. It creates a real duplicate of an individual that can't be disrupted by a Sub-Normality field with an opposing personality. If the primary is mean, the dupe may be really nice. If the primary is smart, the dupe may be dumb. If the primary is a Ladie's-Man the dupe may be a Man's-Man. There is also a slight chance that the dupe may be of the opposite sex as well. Anyway since they are so bound & determined to capture us, some, or most, of the dupes will probably disagree with that and cause them trouble.

(Mr. Obvious voice) Computer, shut down non-essential systems and fire the Dupe-O-Matic at the enemy ship.

(The beam fires & everyone on the enemy ship is duplicated.)

That should keep them busy.

Computer! On LICC2 board XXIII...

Computer: Please clarify terms "LICC2 board XXIII"?

Oh, uh... Last year Soyburger Patricia came onto the ship with Quito Power and she was detected by automated security systems and surrounded by a force field while an intruder alert alarm went off, correct?

Computer: Correct.

Why was that system shut down?

Computer: The system was unable to distinguish between friend or foe and trapped anyone beaming or apparating onto the ship.

Reinstall system!

(To rest of bridge) That way we we'll know if they ever try beaming anyone or anything onto this ship.

Opposite personality, eh....

Smiles.

Any chance we can hit Webber with that device?

*Sigh*

Computer, how many Helix Missiles does the spidership currently have in stock?

There no Helix Missiles currently on board the spidership

Dang!

Pauses for a second.

Okay, then. Let me dip into my list of gadgets and weapons I planned on having Rocket create...or mention....eventually. Some of this stuff has got to already exist here.

Thinks for a minute.

Computer, are there any CAD Torpedoes on board the spidership?

There are approximately 3 CAD Torpedoes on board the spidership.

(Smiling, sounding somewhat like Mister Burns from "The Simpsons" Excellent.

Turns toward the others, voice sounding normal as he speaks.

CAD, or Chemical Agent Delivery, Torpedoes. Do exactly what the name suggests; shatter upon impact and release a chemical agent onto the target.

Computer, where are the CAD Torpedoes stored, and where is the ship's chemical storage facility?

The CAD Torpedoes are stored in cargo bay 2. The chemical storage facility is on deck 9.

Okay, then. I'll leave it up to someone else to decide if we use those torpedoes, and to see what chemicals we have on hand to load them with if we do.

Pauses and looks at Jake and Jon.

Am I imagining things, or wasn't there a story once where LICC somehow turned an enemy ship intangible for a brief period of time? Was that with a device built into the ship, or did someone do that with a super power?

I don't remember, actually.
Why couldn't we fire the Polymorph Weapon at the bad guys out there? It's always worked for the characters...
You know, I've always wanted to try out the Cybersuit myself!
Jon puts his helmet back on and pauses for a few minutes. He raises his arms, and a small tongue of fire emerges from his wrist gauntlet, scorching KAM's hair.
Sorry.. I'm new at this...what does this do?
He suddenly grabs a nearby chair and breaks it in half
Superstrength... nice...
Jumpjets? activate!
Jon is propelled toward the ceiling, crashing into it and stopping.
Ok.. here's the virtual manual!
Jon pauses again, reading and interacting with the manual

Careful, Jon! I'd suggest you go to the holodeck, create a virtual environment and a virtual cybersuit and practice there! But first replicate a wig for KAM! He looks rather Picardish right now...

KAM, somewhere in engineering should be the Pokemon treadmill. I don't know if we could persuade a few Redshirts into using it to generate more power...

Ow! Ow! OW! (KAM runs around, swatting his burning hair trying to put out the fire, trips falls & spins around like Curly) Woowoowoowoowoo...

(Fortunately Kira replicates a bucket of water & dowses KAM's head)

Thanks. I.... think I'll go down to the Pseudoscience lab and see if there are any interesting things down there.

(KAM leaves the bridge, gets lost, asks the computer for directions & eventually makes it to the Pseudoscience lab.)

Now where are the portable holes... Whoops!

(KAM falls into a portable hole) *CRASH* *THUD* *BAM*

Ow.

Fortunately my fall was broken when I landed on Emeril Legace. I wonder if he's any relation to Gisele Legace?

Hmmm, actually I landed on the ex-Wanderer dupe's body. So I must be in the Pseudoscience lab on Earth! I wonder if R is around? Then again, are any of my characters around while I'm here?

(Goes through the lab picking up a few items, then leaves a note}
R,
Sorry I had to borrow a few things. They should be on the Spidermobile III.
Yours truely,
GOD

(KAM then climbs back up through the hole, back onto the Spidermobile and he is detected by the automated security systems and surrounded
by a force field while an intruder alert alarm goes off.)

Whoops. Well, I guess I was asking for that.

Good, we have a ton of new weapons and stuff.

What everybody seems to forget is that the enemy isn't chasing us anymore, they're like 5 light-years away by now. If KAM actually hit them with that weird ray I'd be very surprised.

The intruder alarm starts

Uh oh, that isn't good.

Computer, show me the intruder!

Hey, isn't this KAM? Or is it an evil imposter?

Opens a comm channel to the trapped author.

Hey you, can you prove that you're KAM? Say, what does your nickmane KEM mean? We must be completely sure!

Oh, hi, I'm Josh.

Do we still have transwarp drive? I know we only use it for travelling to other galaxies but I think it could have worked against that ship that was after us.

I'm going to try something here...
Jon goes over to a science console, and spikes emerge from his gauntlet. He inserts the spikes into an access port, and soon information is rolling across the screen.
Hey everybody, I've managed to get a playback of what happened just before we got here. I think I can put it on the main screen if you want to.

Make it so. But be careful!

Josh, thinking of drive types: Doesn't the Spidership have the Bad News Drive too? When we return somebody should compile a Technical Manual to the Spidership...

Hasn't Pesti here already done that? (turns to Pesti)

Jon presses a few buttons, and instead of a playback of the log, "The Best of Hamburger Pattie" appears on the viewscreen.
Whoops.. wrong button... Wow... Um... we can leave this up for a little bit if you want...

rolls her eyes
If it'll keep you happy.

Jake, what's all this about an intruder? Computer, what is the number of humanoid lifeforms on board?

Kira's watch beeps again. (It beeped not too long ago too, and she made her brachah, but it was while nobody was looking.) Duty calls.
Baruch atah Ado*** Eloheynu melekh ha-olam asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al sefirat ha-Omer. Hayom echad v'shloshim yom she-hem araba shavuot v'shlosha yami la'OMER.

I'm really worried about the time-scheme here. If my calculations are correct, these few hours here have been days on Earth. As soon as we're safe, we need to figure out how to get home.

claps her hand to her mouth in horror

Dear God, I sound like Captain Janeway! Aack! No! I SWEAR to you all that no matter what it takes, I WILL get us back to reality in less than seven years!!!!!!

"Now is not the time to be thinking with our dicks Jon. I've been thinking. I don't know anything about how the LICC-verse is layed out but are there ANY friendly empires or starbases or anything near by? I'm sure they'd help us with this litte problem. By the by that was the suggestion I made earlier but everyone ignored me."

Well, we still have some weapons here. If anyone wants one of the two crossbows or a phaser, go for it. I don't need `em.

Two more Wraith Shield Pods in the case. If you don't remember...or weren't around when they were introduced....they enable the wearer to become intangible for a short period of time, then need to recharge after being used.

Throws back the hood and takes off the helmet he is wearing, revealing a slightly receding hairline (not as bad as Bruce Willis or Jack Nicholson, thank God!), with some gray hairs in the temples. His hair is slightly damp, and sweat is beading on his forehead.

Man, I don't see how Rocket, Tacoman or Milkshake can stand wearing armor for long. Tends to get a little hot after a while!

Listens to Webber and rolls his eyes.

Computer, are their any solar systems or starbases that are known to be friendly...or neutral...toward LICC we can reach within an hour or less at our current rate of speed?

No.

BF is then heard mumbling a four letter word that starts with an `S'.

BF's words are in fact, mildly prophetic, for in the next few minutes our intrepid group of authors lands in fairly deep doo-doo. Let's summarize the events, shall we?

KAM is found to be the intruder, returns to the bridge, and a sigh of relief is shared by all.

That sigh is replaced by a gasp of surprise just as ScottN finds that for the past 20 minutes the Spider has been transmitting detailed course directions directly to their persuer.

That gasp of surprise is replaced by a scream of terror as every console goes out, accompanied by nearly every non-essential system.

That scream of terror is replaced by a half-coughing choke as the invisible anethezine which had been pumping out of the life-support system for the past two minutes finally takes hold.

That choke is replaced by a thud as every author, including Jon and BF who unwisely had not had their helmets on and handy, falls deeply unconcious.

An unknown amount of time later, a collective gasp of surprise is heard again, as the heroes find themselves stripped of helpful technology, electro-shackled and crowded in a heap in a 'safe' corner of the bridge, as brightly-costumed, dare I say SUPERHERO intruders, glower at them as they awaken. As the last of them become fully conscious, the leader, a middle-aged man in a horribly clashing blue-and-orange costume, speaks.

"All right, people. WHAT is going on here and WHERE is the LICC???"

"Anyone else wanna field that question? My family bleeped me up as a child to the point where I feel and look guilty when I give to charity."

Doesn't that guy ever censor himself? Josh turns to the superhero.

Um, the LICC? We don't really know exactly where they are. I'm guessing that they went to another dimension. More specifically, ours. He waves his hand toward the small crowd of LICC authors.

He tries to gesture anyway. He is, after all, electro-shackled.

The erstwhile provisional LICC's captor listens to Brian and Josh with derision, then turns to Kira.

"You. You were in the Captain's chair. Where is the League of Intergalactic Cosmic Champions, and who are you people?"

If you want to know what's going on, I'll tell you.
From looking at the recent logs, a strange golden glow enveloped the ship, the members of the LICC disappeared, and we appeared just as instantaniously.
As for who we are, you probably wouldn't believe us anyway.

Oh thank goodness you're here! Maybe with your help we can FIND the LICC and put an end to this horrible mess!

Don't pay any attenetion to Jon, he's just being melodramatic. There's nothing particularly unbelievable about the lot of us. We're perfectly ordinary humans from another dimension, and we've been stranded on this ship by some sort of phenomenon. We found the ship empty when we appeared and we were trying to figure out what happened when we were attacked by an alien ship. We don't know what's happened to the people who should be on this ship, but we hope that if when we find them, we'll also find a way back to our home dimension.

Can you help us?

Mumbling

I am dissatisfied with the general situation.

The leader, in orange-and-blue, looks to his left, to a very hirsute-about-the-head man who has been watching everything with keen interest. The hairy man speaks.

"He's telling the truth, she's lying by omission about the LICC, the other fellow is most certainly telling the truth."

The leader looks back at Kira

"I have a hard time believing this, 'Captain'. For instance just how would 'ordinary humans from another dimension' be able to operate the Spider so, if not expertly then innovatively? And just what is your connection to the LICC? My friend here knows that you are not telling us all you know."

Meanwhile, on the sciences console, a light starts blinking, indicating a new vessel has entered the area. It goes unnoticed by everyone on the bridge.

horrified Didn't I just say, "Maybe with your help we can find the LICC and put an end to this whole mess!" Who's omitting anything? We don't know what happened to the members of the LICC who used to be on this ship! Look, if you're telepathic, you should know a lot more about this situation than we do, and if you're so sure who knows what, why are you interrogating me?

And please don't call me "Captain." Just because the boys let me have the most comfortable chair doesn't mean I have anything more than a cool head in a crisis.

You want to know how we operated the Spider? gestures towards the consoles Be my guest. Anyone with a minimum of technical know-how can operate this patented Invader-Friendly Operating System. There exists a linkage called "cyberspace" between our dimension and this one, and through that linkage, we became familiar with the existence of this dimension and some of its denizens. We're quite familiar with the L.I.C.C. and their adventures, and since we've read descriptions of their battle techniques and how they talk to their main computer, we were able to access their IFOS pretty easily. We suspect that we were brought here from our world because we're some sort of dimensional counterparts to some of the people who are here, but we really don't know, and that's where we need your help.

Well, we are certainly from a different universe where the year is 2002 and the LICC is a work of fiction. Such strange crossovers are said to have happened before...

You know, there was suddenly this flash of light and I thought something like "oh, there is no nuclear blast announced for today" and *boing* I was sitting in sickbay on a couch. I have no idea what happened. After a few minutes of confusion I started to explore this mostly deserted spaceship and finally came to the bridge where I met the other ones here.

You ask, how we were able to use the ship? Well, in our universe we learned it from TV, computer games and the internet. It helped that the ship here has an IFOS. Surely your ship has one too. Actually we tried the whole time not to blow ourselves up. It's really dangerous here.

Then somehow we noticed your (?) cloaked ship. Our hailing signals were jammed and thus we tried some evasive maneuvers. You ignored our calls and instead started to fire! And we tried our best to survive.

Soooo, who the heck are you and what do you want?

The leader just stares at Kira and Electron for a bit, then walks over to confer with the hirsute man. They have a long, whispered discussion, with the leader beginning to look more and more incredulous and the hirsute man looking more and more grim. Finally the leader turns to the rest of the group.

"Betamax, ShootingStar, Angstrom, take the prisoners to their brig, all except this woman here. Have a full security contingent beamed over to keep them under guard at all times."

The three heroes he named, a tall automaton seemingly made out of black plastic, a pixieish woman in a eye-hurting yellow costume, and a Nordic-looking man in reflective silvery armor, herd the shackled authors into the turbolifts. The leader walks over to the command chair, sits, and motions back for Kira to join him. The rest of the 'heroes' take positions at the important stations, but with the science console temporarily unoccupied. Once Kira is standing near, the leader loses some of his hard expression.

"Look, madam, I am sorry we caused all of you this trouble, but until we manage to track down the LICC you will have to remain our 'guests.' You really did give us a ferocious fight. Fuzzy Logic, my first officer, (the hirsute man nods) tells me you ARE for the most part speaking the truth, and so we have a situation on our hands."

I wonder how the brig here looks like...

I have a feeling we'll soon find out, 'Lec.

The authors are hustled into the Spider's large brig, where unfortunately yellow-shirted security officers are already waiting...