Next on LICC:
Our authors now have a prison record! How will they explain to their family? And what's up with the weird hero villain guys?
"Man this is like Galaxy Quest, only incredibly krappy."
Too bad the guards aren't redshirts.
losing her expression of overdramatic defiance
Captain, ANYTHING you can do to track down the LICC and send us back where we belong would be greatly appreciated, and we'll assist you in any way we can. And I'm sure the real Leaguers will be equally grateful to be restored. You've got to understand we're new to this whole situation-- we're not supposed to be here!
And as for the trouble... on behalf of us all, I'll apologize for shooting at you if you'll apologize for shooting at us. We did try and talk it out with you, but something was mysteriously jamming our communications.
We're really a pretty decent group of people when we're not under the impression we're fighting for our lives. Can I prevail upon you to send those guys in the brig some food and give them an entertainment sequence to watch or something?
I'm certainly not a great singer like the Furbys but maybe we can use "Row Your Boat" to get the guards running away?
Suddenly, both ships reverberate with sound. Somebody is using the bulkheads as speakers.
THIS IS THE BUSINESS SOFTWARE ALLIANCE. WE HAVE A REPORT OF ILLEGAL SOFTWARE ON ONE OF THESE SHIPS. YOU WILL BOTH HEAVE TO AND PREPARE TO BE AUDITED!
Sorry, Electron, but I don't think "Row Your Boat" would work. Anyone know any *blech* Britney Spears songs?
Yo! Guards! Think I can have a glass of water, or something? I need something to drink real bad!
I'm afraid they would take "hit me baby one more time" literally.
The interestingly plastic Betamax, the attractive but diminuative ShootingStar, and the stolid blond Angstrom are all playing Hyper-Fizzbin with stolen Spidermobile PADDs behind the security station when they hear BF's call.
'Star, in a light chirpy voice: Hear him?
Angstrom, muttered with a Swedish accent: Yup.
Betamax, in a grating electronic voice: One of us should get him some water.
Angstrom: They have a replicator.
Betamax: Perhaps they do not know how to operate it.
Angstrom: They almost beat us with this ship and you don't think they know how to use a replicator?
'Star: Ooh, so modest, of course if it wasn't for Angstrom we wouldn't have won at all.
Angstrom: I was simply doing my job.
Betamax: You are too modest, my friend.
Angstrom: (says nothing, concentrates on his hand)
'Star: Perhaps one of us should go tell them.
Angstrom: Perhaps they will try to escape.
Betamax: With Plotonium walls and Anti-Short-Circuit forcefields, not to mention the many security officers in here, that is unlikely.
Angstrom: Whoever said these people were logical? They used that horrible bizarro weapon on us, after all.
'Star: Well, I am going to check on them. Will one of you big strong gentlemen accompany me? Angstrom?
Angstrom, curt: I will not.
Betamax: I will, ShootingStar.
'Star: Now there's a real gentleman.
'Star stands up and Betamax shifts, forming legs, and they both go over to the forcefield.
'Star: Now what's all this about water? You have a replicator, you know.
Captain West sits back in (his?) chair and sighs.
I knew we shouldn't have actually tried this. Don't worry about your...crew? Friends?, madam, the League has very humane accomodations for their prisoners, as I'm sure you've found out.
Oh, not the BSA again...Fuzzy, can you handle them?
"I believe I can, Captain."
Do it. Now, madam, I'm sure we both know exactly what happened. 'Someone' was not 'mysteriously' jamming anything. What you must understand is we were not intending to attack your group at all. We are simply after the LICC, and when we find them, we will release you. You can trust me on this. Now, there is something I'd like to discuss. Fuzzy seems to have this idea that you think that you are responsible for the existence of this universe, that we are all in a huge work of fiction of some sort. Can you explain why he thinks this?
When BF yells "glass of water", the replicator in the brig activates and creates a glass of water. Unfortunately, no one notices except for a yellowshirt standing right next to it.
'Star: Now what's all this about water? You have a replicator, you know.
The authors all turn to see the yellowshirt finishing the water.
The problem is that BF is allergic to replicated water. BF starts to nod hastily.
It makes him do indescribable things. When we found it first a few hours ago we barely could stop him. I don't know but maybe this universe causes him somehow to mutate into something really strange, like a superhero...
Well, at least in our universe it is told that most superheroes are mutants, with the exception of aliens, robots and tech-geeks of course.
Is this true? And do you have something to drink that is alcohol-free and not replicated?
Webber, Paddy, and Jon are in the same cell. Webber paces back and forth with his hands behind his back. "They don't believe us. Kira can talk to them all she wants, but these guys think we either killed the LICC or trapped them in a sub-dimension or something. We're totally screwed unless we can figure out a way out of here."
'Star and Betamax stare at each other for a bit, then...
Betamax: I believe they have a section of the ship dedicated to non-alchoholic fruit-liquid drinks served during rest breaks and recreation periods.
'Star: A juice bar?
Betamax: Precisely. I shall go and retrieve a selection of such drinks before the prisoner becomes overly dehydrated.
'Star: Goodie, Beta. And I'll stay here and watch these nice fellas.
Betamax grinds out of the room, and 'Star smiles at BF and Electron.
'Star: So what are your names, cuties?
Jake, in the cell with BF and Electron, has been staring at the wall, but rouses himself from his reverie.
"Hey guys, what are you trying to do-?"
A VERY loud and indignant "SHHH!!" from BF and Electron. 'Star giggles.
Brian, I don't think any of us has broken out of prison before, especially this type.
To the water rousers
Sure, give the guy a drink of replicated water. Who knows what they put in it. I bet that's what keeps the LICC so strong.
Jon wanders over to the doorway and touches it. As expected, he is given an electric shock from the forcefield.
Ow!
At least Electron isn't afraid of water, right?
(raises finger up to forcefield, and sweeps it all over the field, creating some interesting sparky effects, crackly noises and sensations)
In a cell corner of Greg gets up, walks over and whispers to Padawan.
I've been wondering something. Where did the crew of the Spider go? Not the main characters we write for and replaced of course, but the ordinary crewmembers that run the ship and walk around doing everyday tasks in the background. I mean we don't give names to 'em all and author every last one of them. Aside from one in here, I haven't seen any.
Miss Superhero, why are you giggling?
(Well, at least I presume that you are a group of superheroes and not supervillains. Supervillains usually have different manners - well, in our universe. You know, pompous speechs, diabolic laughter, diabolic acting, toccata+fugue d-minor, Shakespeare, madness and so on...)
I'm called Electron around here. How is your group called? And what do you have against the LICC? Nearly everybody in our universe likes the cuddly Furbys and their little friends for example.
BF and JD barely avoid to cough.
Hey!
Oh, I forgot something. I our universe we don't have replicators yet. But it is common knowledge that replicated food tastes different from the real one. I have seen it on TV and I believe Captain Picard!
'Star giggles some more
Aw, cutie, of course we're superheroes. We're called G.R.O.S.S.! The Great and Really Original Superhero Squad! We're famous and gonna be even more famous soon, sweetie!
But about the LICC, well, that's a (whispered) SECRET!
Giggles
And who says replicated food tastes different? There's a big difference between holovision and TV and real life!
Meanwhile, Jason was looking around Adon's quarters. He left the bridge well before anyone else beamed aboard because no one would let him play with the weapons. Since he was board, he wandered away to look for something else to shoot at whoever was attacking and stumbled into Adon's quarters. Fortunatly for him, the invaders didn't think to check the crew quarters... or at least, hadn't gotten around to checking them.
This is quite cool! Just how I imagined Adon's quarters would look. It doesn't exactly match the decor of the rest of the ship... but oh well.
Jason sat down at Adon's desk at punched a few random buttons on Adon's terminal. He somehow managed to activate the comm system, and decided to tell the bridge where he had gotten off to.
When he pressed the "Open Channel" button, instead of seeing his fellow officers, he saw a group of unknown (and un-LICC-ish) looking people. He quickly closed the channel and hoped that no one noticed him.
Computer, what happened to the other authors?
They have been taken to the brig.
All right, computer. Give me directions to the nearest armory, and then to the brig. Those directions should also allow me to avoid the invaders.
Done. Please follow the lights.
Jason followed the lights down the hall in the direction of the closest armory.
Meanwhile, Betamax is grinding down the hallway with a tray of fruit juices in hand. Jason, furtively looking behind him as he walks, and Beta, concentrating on balancing the unwieldy tray of refreshments, both turn a corner at once and run smack into each other, drinks splashing EVERYWHERE.
Jake, remember Jacob McGruder, the kid whose friends the LICC body-snatched?
Maybe we could attempt to contact HIS superhero group, the Coalition of Incredibly Great Amazing Dudes and see if they would be willing to help us...
Betamax falls in a heap, as does Jason. Beta's puzzled optic sensors stare at the author.
Grind grind...Visual confirmed. Lieutenant Jayson Leedic, junior member of G.R.O.S.S., codename 'Noda'. Hello Noda, I did not know you had returned from your vacation on Dingling V yet. Please assist me in returning to secure fruit drinks for the prisoners.
Um, say it a little louder Jon!
'Star, who has been standing in front of BF, Electron and Jake's cell, which is right next to Jon, Paddy's and Webber's cell, giggles at Jon's comment. She walks over to look at Jon.
Hi shaggy cutie, so you're trying to escape?
For some reason, the invaders left ScottN on the bridge with Kira -- see the posts, he was never removed or put in the Brig!
Uh, Captain West, if I may ask, what is your beef with the LICC? As Kira there said, we're just trying to get home, we have no clue how we got here, or anything. And as for putting the rest of us in the Brig, are you blaming us for self-preservation?
What??? Hey Edna, look, a big continuity hole, in the same episode!
Actually, it was a good thing that I found you. You're to report to the ship's engine rooms. Now. I will guard the prisoners in your place.
Betamax blinks a few times, and then he gets up and leaves. Jason breaths a huge sigh of relief and continues following the blinking lights towards the armory. Only now, he's carrying an empty tray with him.
G.R.O.S.S., L.I.C.C. - why do superhero groups always prefer those names which have to be abbreviated in a really funny way? Btw, what kind of special abilities do the members of your group have? The one guy on the bridge seemed to be a telepath...?
Then Jason feels a large plastic hand picking him up by the collar
Betamax: I do not think so, Lieutenant. If you are attempting to access the armory, as indicated by the lit direction indicators, remember that the captain has ordered it sealed until transport of weapons to the Dolphinmobile is complete. Now, you shall accompany me to the fruit drink area. No slacking off, like last year.
'Star giggles again
Oh yeah, that's Fuzzy. Yeah, he is a telepath, but only really with superheroes. He can only do so much with regular human types. What other special abilities?
Well, Angstrommy over there can shrink himself like really really really bitty small and go really really fast when he's shrunk. That's how he broke into your ship, you know.
giggles. Angstrom scowls.
And Betamax, he's master of all kinds of obsolete technology, but don't let that fool ya. Sometimes the technology he uses is better than the popular stuff! And me, well, that's a secret too!
"Energy barrier prison. Hmm." He smiles. "Let it never be said that my anal retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results. What do all movies that feature characters trapped in an energy cell have in common? When they escpae it's for one of two reasons! The first one is apower failure. Jason isn't in here with us. I don't think they have him. If he could figure out how to do it he could kill the power." He smiles then leans in closer. "Pop quiz hot shots. What's the second method of choice? Overloading the system! If we had an electrical outlet of some kind we could stick it into the force field, and short it out!"
ScottN suddenly materializes in the Brig, as he's Byrne-ized there, in response to the author's error.
whispers
I think they said it was Anti-Short-Circuit, Webster. That doesn't rule out a power failure, but let's just hope they don't have backup generators for the forcefields or anything. Plus all those angry-looking guys with phaser rifles might object to our escaping...
`Star, you'd better let us out of here soon. My belt buckle is actually made of a highly powerful explosive, and its unstable. No telling when it could detonate!
"I don't believe you."
Okay, then, how about a micro-laser in my ring?
"No."
Would you believe a radioactive Tic-Tac in my sock?
(pointing at Authentication Error)
Who's that?
(Webber shrugs)
Must be an authentication error. I've always wondered what those look like in the flesh, so to speak.
Nope, I still don't believe you, cutie.
giggles
Josh is also in Webber's cell.
Actually, that's not completely true Webber. In Star Trek V, when Kirk, Spock, and McCoy were trapped in the unescapable cell, they weren't able to get out until Scotty blew the wall out. And in the second"Descent" Troi fooled some idiot Borg into coming into their cell so an "injured" Picard could kill him.
turning around
That's funny. I could have sworn I just heard Scott's voice. All these funky anomalies are making me dizzy.
Kira actually wasn't listening very well, because she had recently made yesterday night's brachah while no one was listening. Earth-time seems to be passing at an alarming rate, but currently Kira has bigger things to worry about.
It's not humane accomodations I'm worried about, Captain, it's how your people will use them. I still get the feeling that the boys (and Jenny) don't trust you all, and if we're trying to foster some cooperation and all find the LICC together, it's going to be very important that everyone trust each other. Making sure that my people are fed and entertained will go a long way to curing any ill-will that may exist due to all the bygone shooting and anesthetizing and locking-in-the-brig that we're all trying to work past.
And as for this fiction biz...
I don't know how Mr. Logic's mind works and where he's getting his information, but I'd advise him to check his sources. Between you and me, Captain, not everybody in my group is firing on all thrusters, if you know what I mean. Picking their brains is not the most reliable way to come by the Truth of Existence! I won't deny that until very recently, the group of us were under the imperssion that the L.I.C.C. lived and worked in a fictional area of cyberspace that we created... we've all been building the cyberspace in our spare time over the past three years. But the fact that we're here, that we can exist in this universe, belies everything about that theory, whether everyone on board realizes it or not!
Think about it, Captain. If we created this universe, why aren't we serving everyone and everything here as gods? Why couldn't we have instantaneously defeated you by un-creating you? Why can't we simply un-create the entire universe and send ourselves home?
We're here, captain, as you can see for yourself, so who's left back in our uberdimension to run this "fictional" predestiny you're talking about? Wouldn't our absence from our dimension instantaneously remove this plane from existence? And most tellingly, if any of that metaphysical babble is true, how could we be brought here against our will???
I'm certainly unconvinced.
Jason and Betamax entered the ship's Juice Bar and Jason starts repicating juice for the other Authors.
Betamax: "Are you finished filling orders?"
Jason: "Almost."
Jason leaned forward and whispered to the replicator.
Jason: "And one phaser pistol, fully charged and set to disable the guard."
The replicator activated, but Jason stood in the way so Betamax couldn't see what was being formed.
Betamax: "What was the last thing you ordered?"
Jason: "THIS!"
Jason spun around with the phaser in hand. Since he wasn't sure how to aim the weapon, he just spreyed phaser fire around the room, yelling at the top of his lungs as he did so. Betamax tried to dodge, but with Jason's irratic fire, he was unsuccessful. He ended up disabled before Jason's phaser ran out of power, but just barely.
Jason: "Who needs accuracy when you have a phaser and a lot of shots? Now, to try and save everyone else."
West listens to Kira's long assertations, and emphatic query
Hmm, bad plot twist, perhaps? Well, you're right, whether you're crazy, or we are, or all of existence is a oddly-written story, or it isn't, it doesn't really matter. I have people in Dimensional Cartography tracking the League as we speak. And don't worry about your comrades, WE will be very humane with them, as long as they don't try too hard to escape.
So, just in case you ARE our erstwhile 'Authors' and deities come to life in fallible human form, where do you think the League might have gone had you thought up this odd story?
Angstrom is still glaring at his hand of cards when he hears a scratchy, faint voice on his communicator
"This is...Betamax...an enemy...taken the appearance of Lt. Noda, has disabled me with phaserfire and is probably attempting to free the prisoners...recommend red alert...last seen in vicinity of juice bar...errrkkk"
Angstrom: Angstrom to Captain!
Angstrom relays the message to West. 'Star comes over to Angstrom, curious
'Star: What's up?
Angstrom stands up, grimly.
Angstrom: Someone is trying to free the captives, we have to stop him. 'Star, stay here and assist the security team. You will have extra security personnel stationed within minutes, and the transporter scramblers will prevent beaming, do not worry. I must go.
Angstrom disappears instantly, leaving an odd whooshing sound. 'Star looks worriedly at the prisoners as the red alert alarms chime throughout the ship.
Escape? I thought I was, but I guess my plans have changed.
Jon runs a finger across the force field, causing a small wave of energy to ripple through it.
Hey, that was fun!
And would you believe that my glasses give me x-ray vision?
No, huh?
Pulling out a handkerchief
Anybody know a good magic trick using a handkerchief?
Jon turns to return to the bench. As he walks, a loud "crack" is heard from his location. All conversation stops as everybody looks at him.
Sorry.. that was my knee. I have bad knees, you see, and every once in a while, they crack like knuckles do...only louder.
Whispering to Electron.
`Noda' is 'Adon' spelled backwards. Has to be Jason.
He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, that was neccesary information Jon. You wanna hear about the zits on my ass? Can we PLEASE continue working on how-" He stops. "Wait a sec. I got it. Anyone whose ever seen an episode of Oz play along. I'm gonna pyss off one of the gaurds. When he comes in here to beat my ass, jump him."
Sorry, Jon, but my knees are louder.
He nearly starts to prove it but remembers at the last moment that he had Holodoc correct this issue.
Err...But my wrists...
He demonstrates it. Everybody looks extremely shocked and the forcefield ripples.
Scary, isn't it?
How on earth can you "track" people who just disappear without leaving any tracks? Shouldn't we be looknig through the sensor logs and trying to figure out what got us here in the first place?
Kira's watch beeps
And we'd better make it snappy. In our dimension, the lot of us have been missing for a week. Our families are probably frantic and if this keeps up much longer, some of us may lose our jobs!
Baruch atah Ado*** Eloheynu melekh ha-olam asher kidshanu b'mitzvotat v'tzivanu al sefirat ha-Omer. Hayom shlosha u'shloshim yom she-hem araba'a shavuot v'chamisha yamim la'OMER.
That reminds me, I had an appointment at the salon for today and now I won't be able to get my hair cut for another three weeks!
The door to the brig chimed.
Star: "That must be the extra security!"
Instead of more security officers, Jason was standing in the doorway with a pulse rifle under each arm. He opened fire with both, spraying fire wildly around the room until there was nothing left to shoot at. Fortunatly for the other Authors, they were protected by the force fields.
After Jason stopped firing, he just stood in the doorway, staring at his handiwork.
Jon: "Jason."
Jason didn't repond.
Jon: "Jason!"
Still nothing.
Everyone: "JASON!"
Jason: "WHAT!"
JD: "Can you let us go now?"
Jason: "Ummm.... sure."
Jason turned off the force fields and faced the rest of the Authors, who refused to come out since he was still holding both rifles and pointing them towards the cells.
Oh! Sorry about that!
He put down the weapons and stepped away.
Jump a superhero? Or possible supervillain? Great idea Webber.
He looks over to Jason.
Geez, don't you or your characters ever get captured?
In a flash, an outline of a person seems to be standing near the forcefield controls, just as they are switched on again, preventing the authors from escaping. Then the outline blurs to life near Jason, as the rifles are plucked from his hand and are flung across the room. Then Jason seems to leap up in the air, while the outline congeals. In a moment, Angstrom, looking very angry, is holding Jason by the neck, the author's back pressed to the wall, his shoes three feet off the floor. Angstrom glares at Jason
He is now. Angstrom to Captain West.
"West here."
I have captured the fugitive crewmember. He has fired on ShootingStar and the security contingent, as well as the team outside I assume.
"Good work, another security team will be with you in minutes."
Very well.
Ooh...that wasn't fun at all.
ShootingStar is the first to recover from the heavy stun blasts, and notices the angry Angstrom and the nearly-strangling Jason
Oh, Strommy my hero!
Angstrom just GLARES at Jason, and 'Star walks gingerly over to them. She looks Jason up and down, and her eyes begin to blaze with power
Now that wasn't that nice, little boy. We might have to teach you a lesson, won't we?
Angstrom: Check his pockets.
'Star: All righty...
'Star rifles through Jason's pockets, removing weapon after weapon after weapon...
'Star: Boys and their toys...
sits back and sighs
Problems problems problems. At least your friend is under control. I'll tell my people not to treat him too roughly. And I am sorry about your missed hair appointment.
Well, madam, about the only thing we can do if they've traveled dimensionally is to access the Spidermobile's Dimensional Cartography equipment and look for signs of their particular quantum signature. We're still having trouble with this, since our group has neither the resources nor the prestige to rate such equipment aboard our own ship.
sighs again
That was all to change, it really was. And now with this big Hero Crisis going on we finally saw our chance, but now what happens? They get away and we are stuck with a very troublesome bunch of normals and a sedated, closed-mind cloaked Jedi. What a galaxy, what a galaxy.
Tries again...
Hey, we really have no idea what's going on here. Could you possibly tell us what you guys have against the LICC, since we're caught in the middle?
'Star finishes relieving Jason of weapons and runs a handheld scanner over him.
He's clean. Not even any powers.
'Star turns to Scott. She is still clearly angry.
Because those dust-eating LICCers have been on top for too long, man with the little cap. They aren't a TRUE hero team, everything just goes right for them, and everyone loves them. We're just...we're just SICK of it!
Greg gets up and addresses ShootingStar.
HA! You've GOT to be kidding me! You've obviously never meet Lt. Jadlad Superguy. He's failed at defeating bad guys sometimes, put the Spidership in danger at least once that I can remember, been nearly killed, winds up in sickbay every other mission it seems, never has been able to work up the nerve to try and get a date with any of the women on the ship, some of the other LICC members ignore him. And has at least ONE person who dislikes him other than the people on your ship!
Maybe he should be called Jadlad Superloser!
And what about Jason Kiehart? He's a bit rough and crude, and definitly not perfect. Right, Webber?
Now, as for Tacoman, don't worry. When he died and returned to life, his immortal powers disappeared. All he has now is a fancy suit. Without it, he's a fairly normal human.
"Totally. He's kinda like Banky from Chasing Amy, only not gay." *wink* He bends over and picks up one of the weapons belonging to Jason's victims. "Nice shooting. Where'd you get your training? Fort Broad Side Of The Barn? Considering how many times you shot those things there are surprisingly few wounds on these people." "How would you know what a wound looks like? You don't know anything." "I've been watching ER for 8 years. Now shut up, and let's make like an ex-football player who killed his wife and get the •••• out of here."
And Webber is Byrneized back into the cell without his weapon, with a nice spanking and a large piece of paper that says "READ THE POSTS!!"
When you don't know what you're doing, set your weapons to spray 'n prey is best when you have no idea what you're doing and friendly fire has been turned off. I guess first person shooters really don't make you better shots.
So, does anyone else feel like Atrus from the Myst series?
Gosh, it's really unfair that the L.I.C.C. has all this equipment and you have nothing. Isn't there any firm or government that can supply you with upgrades?
Who's a cloaked Jedi? Don't tell me that one of those pimple-faced infants on my team actually has supernatural powers. They're outlawed* in my dimension!
* Outlawed by the laws of physics
Uh, Miss ShootingStar, I really don't think that the Furbys are loved by the general public.
And more importantly, the fame of the LICC attracts usually the most evil villains. Look what happened lately: The Spidership got almost destroyed and the crew suffered heavy losses. Being on top isn't fun sometimes. Ok, you would probably like it...
Btw, are you an Earth-based group? When the LICC is busy in deep space somebody has to protect the good old blue planet! That's the way to get a good name, not by trying to kidnap the rivals.
And finally: Does the Department of Superheroics know what you are doing? They might send other superhero groups after you to clean the mess up.
The DoS is set up to handle all that, madam, but it's unfortunately run just like the media at its most fickle. The more popular you are and the more high-profile villains you defeat, the more toys you get.
And no, we have one of the LICC captured on board my ship, the Dolphinmobile. We had attempted to get from him the command codes and tactics of the League, but Fuzzy was unable to reach into his mind, and finally we just had to sedate the League member to keep him from escaping.
That's really unfair! Without mowing somebody into the ground or performing a spectacular save on somebody's butt you're just yesterday's news? What a rip-off! And it's all the more frustrating because you know that if the bureaucrats found out what you were really about, they'd shower you with stuff in a minute!
Geeez, my department works the same way. To them that have more shall be given; from them that have not shall be taken away. I totally know how you feel and I wish I could help.
Such is the consequence of direct democracy; whoever the people like and whoever they see on their holovision screens is who they support. One thing to be said for too much autonomous bureaucracy, at times it was fair.
Thank you for your sentiments, madam, but it seems like it's too late. Our plan relied on stealth and surprise. With the chaos of the Hero Crisis keeping things busy on Earth we could capture the League, strand them twelve hundred light-years from nowhere and return as the only space-bound hero group to survive the Crisis. But now my officers are reporting that Earth Military ships are heading this way, and unless we find and strand the League, vaporize the Spider and meet the Navy soon, this will all come to light. sigh
No Captain, you mustn't say that! There's got to be a way for you to do something!
Kira makes a rather good show of heavy cogitation. What she's actually thinking is, "If this man's goal is to strand the League and take its place, why is he still here? He's got our word on it: the Leaguers are gone! He and his gang have a free hand, so why haven't they just vaporized us, destroyed the evidence, and then reported back on the Sad and Untimely Disappearance of the L.I.C.C.? I seem to be dealing with a first-class liar here. Oh well, if he's telling the truth, he's a low-watt bulb who may be persuaded to help us, so I should try convincing him to do so, and if he's lying, then I should convince him that our paths converge so that he won't think I'm a threat to him. And then of course, watch him like a hawk and betray him before he tries to shoot us. But the first step is the same, in any case. At least I know that there's someone trapped on his ship who can help us. What good that does me I don't know, since I can't work the transporters here and these guys won't let me off the bridge..."
Captain... there might be another way...
What if instead of destroying the League you rescued it?
You know, a planet is in peril and only the L.I.C.C. can save them, but oh woe! the L.I.C.C. seems to be lost forever in another dimension! And just as all seems lost, in come you and your team who rescue the oh-so-powerful L.I.C.C. and save the planet yourselves. Who's the better team now, the famous one, or the one who gets called in to save the famous one and does their job for them when they can't do it themselves?
Maybe you could use this whole situation as an excuse to carve out a bit of their market share, hmm?
Market share? Is this Major League Baseball now? Are the small market heroes mad that the LICC have all the money?
West is about to reply, when...
Fuzzy: Captain. Message coming through on the secured channel.
West: Um, er, I'll take it in the ready room.
Without another look at Kira, West walks into the ready room
Thinks to herself, "That's funny, three years with the L.I.C.C. and I didn't even know we *had* a ready room.
Ah HAH! The new producers obviously are proteges of Fred Freiberger! Just like they had Kirk just "walk off" from the Briefing Room in "Turnabout Intruder", they have Capt. West go into a non-existent ready room!
Shouldn't West be "Byrne-ized" back onto the bridge, since the Spidership doesn't have a ready room?
Yep. And they can't say they meant "Ops", because the equipment there won't work for anyone who isn't a member of LICC.
(It was constructed specifically for them, and doesn't use the IFOS)
Maybe Captain West really meant he'd take the message in the bathroom, but didn't want to come right out and say it....
By Captain Tacoman and Butrfli on Tuesday, May 22, 2001 - 07:09 am:
...Her message is relayed into the Ready Room...
---
By Captain Tacoman on Tuesday, July 31, 2001 - 09:12 am:
...Tacoman enters his ready room and accesses the information...
---
By Captain Tacoman on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 09:17 pm:
...Tacoman steps out of his ready room with Butrfli and looks at the screen...
--
By Captain Tacoman and Butrfli on Friday, March 09, 2001 - 07:12 pm:
...Tacoman fires his phaser at a trio of Franks that exit from the Ready Room...
---
By Anshs message on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 02:44 pm:
...a message in Taco's ready room...
---
By Captain Tacoman on Wednesday, July 04, 2001 - 02:47 pm:
...Ok.. have her meet me in my ready room....
---
By Lt. Commander Rikard on Friday, March 08, 2002 - 04:25 pm:
...Lt. Thompson, I'll be in the Captain's ready room. You have the bridge...
---
By Captain Tacoman on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 04:00 pm:
...Captain Tacoman is allowed to dock with the Spidership I, and, under heavy security, is lead into Captain Frangelica's Ready Room...
---
By Enesku on Wednesday, April 10, 2002 - 04:21 pm:
...The other two doors off the bridge prove to lead to the Observation Lounge and the Captain's Ready Room...
Kira's watch beeps.
Eight days. I swear, I will lose my job.
Baruch atah Ado*** Eloheynu meleck ha-olam asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al sefirat ha-Omer. Hayom arba'a v'shloshim yom she-hem araba'a shavuot v'chamisha yamim la-OMER.
Conversationally, to Fuzzy Logic
You guys are pretty good with these controls. It took us ages to figure out how they worked!
Fuzzy is busy piping the communication through to the Ready Room, but he responds
Thank you. These really are not substantially different from the controls on the Dolphinmobile. The Spider really only has a few extra weapons, more equipment and labs, and extra engine systems than we do. And since we just got outfitted with all that extra stuff back on earth, the gap is even narrower.
After a minute, Fuzzy looks alarmed, as if he had made a mistake, but then he puts on a perfect expression of calm.
"Myst? Don't mention that anti-climactic piece of [Expletive Deleted] in my presence Jason, please. Can we just get this over with? The way I figure it once we get things back under OUR control we can go home! Dammit, I'm gonna miss Jack Klugman on Crossing Jordan! Quincy, dammit, Quincy!" "Man what is with this guy and old TV shows?"
Small tinny voice: Have you found them yet?
West: No, sir.
*groan* Well have you disposed of the replacement crew that you found?
Um, no sir. We haven't found a suitable empty planet.
I don't CARE about that now, West. You have three Terran destroyers heading your way, they will be within sensor range in mere hours. You need to get rid of the crew, destroy the Spidermobile, and meet the destroyers SOON.
But, sir, I-I told you we can't kill anyone.
West, we all do things we're not proud of, but sometimes the circumstances--
Sir, we CAN'T KILL ANYONE.
DON'T INTERRUPT ME!
Sorry, sir!
*sigh* How did I ever find a sorry stuuupid sad-sack like you to entrust with my plan, how? How? West, listen, GET RID OF THEM and finish the plan. If the LICC is so far gone YOU can't find them then they probably won't be coming back. Now, I'm closing this frequency for good. When next I talk to you, you better be in the Afterlife or guests of the Navy, NOT prisoners, get it?
Yes, sir.
Finish the job, West. Out.
Starts a new confusion tactic.
Oh-oh.
What the heck... Hey, are you responsible for this?
I'd suggest not to anger the Furby Empire and its friends. You know, during the last war the Furby ship threatening Earth was just a hologram created by the isolationists. But next time it could be the real one! And we don't think the G.R.O.S.S. will be able to stop us.
Stop it I say!
Har Har Har!!!
Uh...Help? Help! The Furby is channelling me!
Playing along.....
Oh, no! Not again! That's the third...no, fourth....time this has happened to him since we've been in this universe!
I just hope he doesn't start singing again, like last time!
"No kiddin' he shouldn't start singing again. Guy's so bad he makes me sound like Tony Bennet."
Some of the security guards start slowly to retreat. The braver ones run to the replicators to make earplugs.
Greg starts playing along too.
And he was doing it so loud that earplugs didn't help! Not again for the love of humanity! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
BF slaps Greg.
Calm down!
He slaps Greg again.
Get ahold of yourself!
I gotta get outta here! I gotta get outta here!
Grabs Greg and smacks him.
Calm down!
smacks him again.
Get a grip!
smacks him yet again.
Get over it!
smacks him one last time.
You ate the last donut!
Doctor: Here, I'm a doctor, let me...
Smacks Greg
Nun: Doctor, you're wanted up front
Smacks Greg
The camera pulls back and we see a line of people waiting to smack Greg. Some are holding boxing gloves, baseball bats, or lead pipes; one is holding a Colt 45 pistol...
Are you familiar with the wonderful music of ... Britney Spears? What is your favorite song from the former mouseketeer?
Help! Help! Not Britney again! That's so awful. And I cannot dance!
Due the enormous popular demand you all will now hear Oops!
Not this song. Please! Nooo! My little brother is a big fan of her and plays it all day. I've become immune to the devastating effects by now.
Because this body isn't able to dance in a pretty way the other guys around here will have to do it.
The faces of the other authors show deadly horror and absolute disgust. Fists are clenched, teeth too and everybody tries to escape the imagination of doing it.
Come on guys, surely you can dance even better than Kirk and Spock!
With some painful "Noooo!"s and "Argh!"s the authors do the "a strong telepathic force causes Kirk to move against his will" routine and assume positions safely away from each other. "You'll pay for it!"
Let the fun begin! Computer, authorisation Furby: Har Har Har!!!.
Accepted, functions limited.
Computer, play Britney Spears, "Oops!", 120 decibel, in the whole brig. This body here will face the consequences!
ACK beep
I will sing now.
And so it begins: Inside the cell block the "music" plays from all loudspeakers. The authors start doing some forced "dance" moves and Electron takes a deep breath...
Jon looks up from the bench he's been sitting on.
He's going to sing, and he's mad. Not the most healthy combination. The last time he got mad and sang, we had to replace most of the plates and glasses on the ship. My own glasses were destroyed, and they have plastic lenses!
Jon gets up and joins the line to smack Greg.
Hey, when in Rome...
I suppose that what you get when everyone ordered their ships from one manufacturer instead of building them themselves.
Listen, do you have any idea who's down in the lab doing dimensional analysis? I'm got background in mathematics: maybe I could help! Whichever way the Captain decides to go, both of us want to find the L.I.C.C. as soon as possible. We're running out of time.
Quick! Close the Really Fast-Moving Star Wars Blast Doors over that maniac's cell!
SWISH-THUNK!
Argh, that music, turn it off, turn it off!
No, that's all right.
All eyes are on West, who has just emerged from the Ready Room.
Fuzzy, escort the lady to the brig. I'll give you further instructions there.
"Aye sir. Come along, ma'am."
Unable to comply.
ARRRRRRGHHHH! Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!
I'd say 'Stop right now, thank you very much', if it weren't for the seriousness of this situation.
Matt slowly comes to "Where are we. Oh, let me guess, we have been captured. The best way to break a energy field is to hit it so much that it can't stay closed."
At this very moment Pesti's brain realizes what kind of "music" is playing and he collapses again.
Luckily(?) for ScottN, his father and his father-in-law have possibly the worst singing voices in the world... He is resistant to the effects of Furby Song... for the moment...
He talks to Shooting Star...
So, by attacking the popular group, you hope to become popular? I admit I don't know much about 31st century politics, but I do know how this sort of thing worked in the 20th century. The popular types stayed popular, and those who tried to attack them were viewed as pathetic losers. Is that really how you guys want to be seen?
Amazingly, he comes up with a similar idea to Kira's!
Look, you guys want to be popular and loved. Look at it this way. The LICC is missing, or else we wouldn't be here. If someone had to RESCUE them, because they weren't able to get out of wherever they were all by themselves, who will the people love? THE RESCUERS!*
Why are you locking *US* up, when we are just here by chance? Let us out, and we can help you guys get the respect that you... deserve.
Scott nearly chokes on the last word, but manages to get it out without the sarcasm that would blow his plan.
* -- Not related at in any way, shape, or form to the Disney(tm) movie. There is no way we would want to deprive Michael Eisner of a single penny that he thinks he deserves!
I don't care if it is 'in character' Webber, one more like that and you're banned for a week. -JD
'Unable to comply'??? We CONTROL THIS SHIP! 'Star, would you please--?
"Sure thing, sweetie."
'Star points a delicately manicured finger at the nearest loudspeaker, and a blast of star-shaped energy erupts, bashing the speaker to pieces and ricosheting around twice before disappearing. She proceeds to blast the rest of the speakers in the security area, but with a malicious grin leaves the ones inside the sealed cells alone. Angstrom pulls Jason over and heaves him into an empty cell before sealing it again.
There!
'Star turns to ScottN
"It doesn't work that way, Little Cap Man. The person who gave us our plans told us--"
Angstrom turns
'Star, tyst!! Quiet!
Ow! If you were going to just toss me into one of these cells, you could have least used the padded one!
Kira's brain shifts to panic-mode. Fortunately for her, the presence of the "secret" transmission had already begun to worry her and the "last-resort" brain functions had already been enabled for several minutes. Her voice hits a pitch usually reserved for dog-whistles and terrified women in fifties sit-coms.
Computer! Reduce the number of redshirts here NOW!
The members of G.R.O.S.S., while able to take advantage of the Spidership's now-unlocked consoles, did not seem to have either the ability or the inclination to install their own locks. Consequently, the computer accepts this command, and on-cue shorts out every single panel all over the ship with a huge surge of electricity. Everyone on the bridge except for Captain West is instantly electrocuted, a terrible happenstance which will undoubtedly weigh on Kira's conscience as soon as she stops running on adrenaline.
Captain West pulls out a weapon as Kira makes a dash for the turbolift. As a fine upstanding superhero who did not graduate from the Imperial Military Academy, he has excellent aim, and this would have posed a very serious problem for Kira had she not been wearing her "very professional-looking if only they had some tread" business-shoes. As West fires at her, she half-turns in terror, slips on her low-friction shoes, and bangs her ear on the deck. The blast tears straight through the space where Kira used to be and hits a control panel; Kira throws her briefcase at Captain West, hitting his foot and temporarily distracting him, and the net result of all this is that Kira's flying leap towards the turbolift ends in reasonable success, with a conscious Kira behind the two closed doors of a moving lift.
Observation Deck! Computer! Frangelica voice-authorization, emergency priority. Disregard all commands to stop this lift except those made by Frangelica.
"Frangelica does not have authority to override Captain Tacoman or Commander Milkshake."
Disregard all commands to stop this lift except those made by Frangelica or her superiors!
"Mayday functions disabled."
Now, stop! The lift stops. Computer, on what deck is the closest transporter room?
"Deck 18."
Deck 18, resume! And what are the coordinates of the Dolphinmobile?
Computer, engage Furby takeover program #47! And stop the music, please. Har Har Har!!!
ACK beep
Somewhere deep inside the Spidership something unspecified happens...
Ok, you can stop dancing now. Good that I remembered parts of the Furby background tale I plan to post. Simply wait and smile...
Did you hear what she said? It seems that they are pawns in a game.
Better than prawns in a game, I guess...
I hope the same goes for Pesti. I'm really tired of people like him and Peter belittiling my ideology casue of one losuy TV commerical
He pats Kira's shoulder. "I'm sure you feel like [Expletive Deleted] right now, but it had to be done. And there will always be more Redshirts." He turns to face Jon. Prawns in a game? Since when did people play chess with shrimp?" He winks, and chuckles.
BWEEP! BWEEP! BWEEP!
Well, Brian, some people do play with their food...
"All hands, this is Captain West. Double Red Alert. Prisoner escaping. Security, block all access points off this ship. Flood all brig cells with anethezine."
West grimly looks about at the electrocuted bridge personnel, groaning injured superheroes for the most part.
Computer, this is West. Lock out all previous LICC personnel command codes. Department of Superheroes Administration Bypass Code Delta-Orion-Samwise-AtomAnt-Burger.
"Tweet-Tweet. Bypass Code requires additional verification code or subspace link to DoS network."
Verification Code Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Watusi-Doo-Wah-Diddy-Diddy-Dum-Diddy-Doo-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barbara-Ann.
"Working..."
Come on, come on!
"Working..."