Party on, dudes!

Kira, who has just left the turbolift and is mumbling the coordinates to herself so she won't forget them, breaks into a sprint as Captain West's voice sounds. Thanks to her slippery shoes, she careens into the wall, knocking the cover off a hidden panel. As luck would have it, it is an emergency weapons locker with three phaser pistols set on light stun. Kira grabs for one and curses when it utterly fails to dislodge into her hand. As luck would have it again, the weapons locks, like much else on the ship, are voice activated, and her exclamation triggers the release. And thanks to the finite number of G.R.O.S.S. members and the size of the Spidership, Kira still has time to recover her balance and dash through the doors of the transporter room before the dwinging of the turbolift indicates that she has company.

Computer, seal doors! Does this transporter self-program?

"Affirmative."

Whew, thank goodness something's changed since Star Trek. Computer, set coordinates to some empty floor-level space not near any dangerous equipment on the other ship!

"Possible locations forthcoming."

Kira sighs in aggravation and runs over to the flashing display on the transporter console. She hits one set of coordinates at random.

"Transporting to coordinates 47-42-99 mark 5."

Kira scuttles over to the transporter platform and crosses her arms mummy-style as if failure to keep all arms and legs inside the machinery will result in the failure of these limbs to appear on the other end. In a few seconds, the transporter energizes and Kira reappears inside the Dolphinmobile, where she promptly throws up on the floor.

Computing Captain West's request
"Error 74... Additional Verification Code rejected... Command codes for any given DoS ship cannot be locked out for all members of its crew without an additional verification code from one of the senior officers of that ship or a case sign from the DoS office of intradepartmental affairs. Opening comm channel to Flynn Flagula, Undersecretary of Emergency Authorization to obtain case sign. Please hold while connection is made."

Cancel cancel cancel cancel!

"Command cancelled."

We'll do this the hard way. Computer, divert all repair nanites to the bridge, serious console damage.

"Bwee-bwoop."

Repair estimate.

"12 minutes, 21 seconds."

Is the Emergency Bridge ready for use?

"No Emergency Bridge present on the ship."

Have the brig cells been flooded with anethezine?

"Negative. Error in module LIFESUPPORT_9228, quit or retry?"

Retry! Computer, open a communications channel to all GROSS personnel.

"Channel open."

All non-senior, non-security crew report to the shuttle bay for transport back to the Dolphinmobile. Betamax, if you've finished your repairs, get up here to the bridge, help the crew here and site-to-site tranport them to the Dolphin. Angstrom and ShootingStar, meet me in Main Engineering.

West proceeds to the turbolift

Whispering to Jake
If the LICC is in our world, perhaps they've discovered Nitcentral and the LICC board... in fact, maybe they're reading this right now. Maybe we can try and communicate with them...

Watches Angstrom and 'Star run out of the room

I don't know, Jon, you would think they would have written us some help by now. Maybe they don't know how to get online or they've been arrested or something..

I know one thing....

When I get out of here, I'm finding those gadgets they took away from me, and the first thing I'm doing is blasting one of those G.R.O.S.S. members for putting us in these cells.

The second thing I'm gonna do is blast Electron (Gives Electron an ugly look.) for having to go through with that Britney Spears garbage!

Pauses.

I just thought of something: If Furby could command the computer to play music.... if you call that Britney Spears drek music ....then maybe we still have some control over the ship's systems!

The two GROSS members in Engineering suddenly find themselves facing a bunch of...

Before they can recognize their opponents the creatures open fire and soon the GROSSies are dragged into a very dark corner.

Hihihihihihi.

Let's try it.

Har Har Har!!! Computer, which programs can I access from here?

The list isn't very long. But a few things are useful.

Computer, coordinate sensors and audio output. Always when GROSS members are in a turbolift or a small room play "La Cucaracha" at them. And pump up the olume! Otherwise just do some diabolic laughter and let the lights flicker. They should feel really comfy around here.

ACK beep. Mwuahahahaha!

Computer, don't laugh here! And keep the lights on.

Too bad I can't control more useful systems like transporters and forcefields from here. But if everything works as it was planned the cavallery should arrive soon.

groans

Ohhhhhh... now I know what Dr. McCoy is always complaining about...

Fortunately, Kira's adrenaline-high soon triumphs over her motion-sickness and enables her to look around. She is in the middle of a random hero's quarters which looks very much like those in the Spidership, except that it is slightly more cramped and is for some reason mood-lit. Kira's first instinct is to rummage through the closet and look for some sort of disguise, but unfortunately, the hero in question is about six foot four and male, and unless she feels like disguising herself as Bilbo Baggins*, the options are few. A replicator on the wall catches her attention.
* Or some other generic small person who wears clothing made for a larger person

One hooded cloak, black, women's size 8P American.

The garment is replicated and Kira dons it. A very nearsighted person who had forgotten his glasses might almost mistake her for Frangelica at two hundred paces.

Hopefully this will be inconspicuous enough. Although these guys seem to go for bright colors. Computer, where am I?

"Deck 7, Crew Quarters RB4."

Thank god for the ever-present IFOS. They've even got Majel Barett. How many humanoid lifeforms are currently on board this vessel?

"Five."

So, three of them, one of me, and a long-lost Jedi on drugs. Where are the others besides me?

"Deck 1 section A and Deck 3 section E."

That doesn't tell me anything. What are the names of those locations?

"Deck 1 Section A - Bridge. Deck 3 Section E - Main Engineering Main Deck."

Nobody at all in sickbay?

"Results negative."

That's odd. Captain West said he had the Jedi sedated. Where else would he keep him besides sickbay? Wait a minute... computer, specify all intruder-alert detction systems currently enabled.

"Standard alert systems all enabled."

@#$%! I'd better get out of here before someone sees me!

Kira exits the room and looks cautiously down the hall. Pursuit is not in evidence.

Computer locate the nearest staircase.

"Parameter 'staircase' undefined."

Aaaaargh. Computer, locate the nearest interdeck access tube.

"Interaccess tube to Deck 6 is located 74.1 meters starboard down this corridor."

A golden arrow pointing left lights up for a minute on the wall. Kira scuttles the 74.1 meters and takes the ladder up.

I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

"Pass the chips, willya?"

"They're all gone, replicate up some more."

"Dang. All right." groan, step step step "Computer, one large bowl of ripocorn chips, cheddar-jalepeno flavor."

Dwee-dwoop. Ziiiiiinnnniiiinnngwoooo...

step step step "There." crunch crunch

"What do you think that light is over there?"

"Over where?"

"Over on Tactical."

"Leave it alone, Captain said if we're not rated for Tactical we don't touch it."

"All right. Ssh, they're about to vote someone off the asteroid."

crunch crunch crunch

Computer, access music library. Do you have anything by Garth Brooks?

Affirmative. Approximately 15 selections by Garth Brooks are on file.

Excellent. Begin play of "Friends In Low Places", then "The Dance". Medium volume, ten second delay between selections.

Affirmative.

"Friends In Low Places" begins to play.

Is this Country or Western?

Guys, music is fun but we need some way out of these cells. Hey! Remember Generations? I wonder if this would work...

Computer, one plain bagel.

The replicator produces a bagel, which Jake picks up. He presses it, flat side, to the forcefield. It spits and buzzes, but the thick baked good protects Jake from the energy. After a bit, he pushes the bagel into the field, where it sticks.

Look!

The hole inside the bagel is clear. Jake sticks his finger through for effect.

Both!

Computer, locate all G.R.O.S.S. members.

All G.R.O.S.S. members are on the bridge.

Computer, flood bridge with anesthezine gas, authorization Quantum Man Heisenberg Psi h-bar E 47 kitty.

Request denied. A member of the command crew must also approve said request.

Curses. I forget, does one of you guys write Rikard or Milkshake, and does he have your voice?

I've think I've got his code, Scott.

Clears throat

Computer, enable command authorization to my voice. Code Milkshake-Alpha-Alpha-Wheatgrass-Tangelo-Bruce-47.

"Working...code accepted."

All right! Flood bridge with anethezine gas.

"Error in module LIFESUPPORT_9228, quit or retry?"

Don't tell me we run Windows too...retry.

"Working...Error in module LIFESUPPORT_9228, quit or retry?"

That isn't going to work. Um, open all brig cell blast doors, and disable all brig cell forcefields.

"Are you sure you want to do this yes or no?"

Yes!

ZLLT! THUNK-SWISH!

Uh oh.

Once the heavy blast doors go up, a group of newly awakened angry GROSS security members jump to their feet, brandishing their phaser rifles.

Computercloseblastdoors!

SWISH-THUNK!

What now?

Anyone see anything we can use for a weapon? Or know how to make the replicators in here provide more than just food?

He pauses.

Hold on a sec....

Thinks for several seconds.

Computer, initiate Rocket Ranger program "Wild Goose Chase, version 2". Authorization....Booyah Nickleback Rama Lama Ding Dong. Authentication code...Who Let The Dogs Out.

Processing.

It'll take it a few minutes to initialize. Basically, the computer sets off a false alarm and generates false intruder signals on deck 13. And responds that inteference won't allow anyone to be transported onto or off of that deck. It then scans deck 13, and when anyone not a member of LICC sets foot on that floor, it erects a special one-way force field. You can enter the floor, but you can't get out.

He pauses.

And before anyone asks, its not tied into the IFOS. Only a member of LICC can deactivate the system or safely set foot on deck 13 while the program is running.

Let hope it works, and that I can find the gear I was wearing before these G.R.O.S.S. morons captured us if it does.

That doesn't help us now...hmm, computer, bring transporters online.

"Ready."

Prepare a site-to-site transport to...BF, two questions. Why don't you enable it so WE can get into Deck 13, and keep everyone else OUT? We're not LICC members, technically. And did you just make all that stuff up?

Yeah. Beef, you oughtn't to get carried away. Just because you're on the Spidership doesn't mean you're Rocket Ranger.

Jake, remember that the Computer thinks we're LICC members, or at least that some of us are.

First off all, Nick-Knack-Paddy-Whack, don't call me `Beef'. Sounds like I'm a steak, or something.

Second of all, Jake and Paddy, no, I didn't just make that up. It was something I was saving in case some nasties either took control of, or tried to invade, the spidership.

Speaks again (! for emphasis, not anger.)....

And which would you prefer? A distraction that might get the security people off our backs and out of our way while we come up with a plan to get these G.R.O.S.S. members off the ship and far away from us since they obviously aren't going to help us, or holing us up in one specific area of the ship where they would most likely be free to do God knows what with the spidership while having us right where they want us? Sheesh! If we were gonna do that, we might as well stay right in these cells!

He pauses.

But, if you want to override the program and try something else, don't let me stop you. Just don't come whining to me when we end up knocked out and imprisoned again!

I just thought of something....

If we can access the transporters, why don't we just have the computer scan for a nearby M-class planet that has atmospheric interference that blocks communications but doesn't affect transporting, then beam all the intruders off the ship, minus their weapons?

Suddenly there are the sounds of a short and violent firefight outside the cells, complete with strange bouncing sounds and the GROSSies yelling in panic. Then it is quiet outside...

Hihihihi. Purrrrrr...

So what's on Deck 13?
Jon walks up to a nearby console.
Computer, display a map of the Spidership, showing the locations of all lifeforms currently aboard and the locations of all weapons lockers.
After some processing, the console shows Jon what he wants to know.
Look at this... there's a weapons locker close by. If we're able to get to it...
Another thing... has anybody been supervising the scpipts lately?

I think we can safely open the doors now.

Computer, what is the status of the scpipts?

The scpipts are running all over deck 14. There is no scpipt supervisor on the ship.

We're leaving...

Leaving...

On that Spidermobile to Georgia...

Leaving on that Spidermobile to Georgia...

BF opens the door. The brig is empty except for the guards' phaser weapons. And there are burn marks all over the place.

OOOH! A Continuity Error! The computer said that all G.R.O.S.S. Personnel were on the bridge, so what were they doing in Security?

Hmmmm.....wasn't the scpipt supervisor's name "Jack the Scpipter"?

Suddenly, all the burn marks and the guards phasers are Byrne-ized into oblivion!

Ah, very very interesting. Calm down, Brian, I was just reviewing options and didn't realize at first you intended your program as a fly-trap. There just shouldn't be any real helpful equipment on 13 if it's going to work...and as for a planet, that's much easier said than done, I imagine. Out of all the planets within warp range, we need a class-M, and out of all of those we preferably need an uninhabited one, and out of all of those we need a specific atmospheric phenomenon that prevents communications but not transporting? They ran into a lot of those in TNG, but...

Well, we'd better get out of here before we plan any more.

picks up a phaser rifle, inspects it curiously

Nobody actually reads the posts anymore, so what does it matter if we have problems with continuity?

Suddenly, all the burn marks and the guards phasers reappear. Some of the computer systems were obviously damaged by Kira's "attack".

Jon grabs a phaser rifle, looks at it and peers into the corridor.
Refresh my memory... the scpipts are sheep-like, right?
Electron, what was all that noise from out here? It sounds like you know something about it...

Is the Blue Ace part of G.R.O.S.S.?

Picks up another rifle, looks at the magazine and snarls.

Nearly empty.

Yes, I know what's going on here. With FTP #47 I activated a turbo breeding chamber and now a bunch of specially designed combat tribbles is hunting GROSSies. By now they should have already captured quite a few.

I dunno, but I think if he was, we woulda seen him.

Kira has climbed up three flights of ladder when a thought occurs to her.

Computer, how many of the lifeforms on Deck 3 are NOT crewmen?

"No unregistered humanoid lifeforms are present on Deck 3."

What about Deck 1?

"One unregistered humanoid lifeform is present on Deck 1."

How many crewmen are there too?

"Two members of G.R.O.S.S. are on Deck 1."

G.R.O.S.S.? Sounds like something from Calvin and Hobbes. And why on Earth are they keeping a sedated prisoner on the bridge?

It occurs to Kira that G.R.O.S.S. does not have the redshirt budget that the L.I.C.C. does and hasn't left many people to guard the ship. Apparently the two superheroes manning the bridge have also been assigned to keep an eye on the prisoner.

She is still figuring this out when she finishes the sixth ladder and discovers the unsurprising fact that this "interdeck access conduit" or whatever it is does not lead to the bridge.

Computer, is there an interdeck access conduit that leads to the bridge... and if so, where is it?

"Affirmative. The emergency bridge access conduit is located 134.7 meters forward through the B-corridor."

Kira steps out into Deck 2, which is, as mentioned before, still empty of people. The hallway she is in has a large "B" painted on the wall and a helpful flashing arrow courtesy of the IFOS.

If this little light is the power level and not the intensity, I think mine's full. Okay, folks, get what you can, let's find somewhere safe. Um, try medium stun, I guess.

Jake finds the button that lowers the intensity, presses it until it's all the way on light stun, then presses one up.

Ready to go?

Jon finishes adjusting his weapon and looks up at Jake.
I am, sir.

Hey, since this is the LICC-verse, this must mean that the GROSS are controlled by some sort of author, perhaps even an alternative version of one of us!

Or maybe they all have different authors. You know, I wonder if I'm Star's author. Nah, it's gotta be you, Jake!

(looks at JD, laughs, and slaps JD on the shoulder)

If I am, I must be having Bad Writer's Syndrome or something!

I just hope there's no alt-Electron somwhere out there...

The computer plays the theme from X-Files.

Stop it!

Computer, where are the GROSSies now?

A few superheroes are going down to engineering. Some personal is on the bridge. Many security officers are placed at the ship's crucial locations, but most of them are unconscious. And the other GROSS members are gathering in the main shuttlebay.

How comes, that the computer always shows some attitude towards me?

"Hey does anyone remember that DS9 epsiode where Dukat and Kira beat a Klingon Bird Of Prey crew with a Cardassian freighter? If we could get to the cargo transporters, we could beam all the GROSS people onto the Holodeck, into an unfamiliar enviroment. Kira can disable the commands that would let them out, and..." He notices no one is looking at him. "Hello? Hel-lo!" "Oh whqat now Webber?" "Didn't you hear ANYTHIGN I said?" "Did you say soemthing?" "Oh that's it, screw you guys, I'm going to the holodeck to make fun of Ben Affleck movies."

Just wait. The combat tribbles play "Ten Little Crewmen", the computer haunts the maybe-superheroes with dirty tricks and sending other victims to a holodeck trap would be a really nice idea. If we only could get the full control over the transporters then we should beam everybody out of the shuttlebay into Brian's favorite program where Jay and Silent Bob strike back.

Hm?

stares at Webber's little one-sided conversation with himself

Yeah, Webber, we're listening--we're listening!

Webber storms off. Jake watches for a minute, thinking.

You guys think a stun would improve his personality? Never mind. I suggest we get to an empty crew quarters or something, before we implement anything. Let's go, fellas!

Jake cautiously heads out of the brig

The way from one conduit to the other is quite clear, and Kira pulls herself up one more deck with increasing trepidation. A pair of panel-controlled doors to her left are labelled "1A," and through them she can hear voices and strange noises that sound almost like a television on. She closes her eyes dramatically and mumbles in Hebrew,

I hope, LORD, for your salvation. For your salvation I hope, LORD. LORD, for your salvation, I hope.

She presses the panel for entry and immediately dives for the floor. (Yes, she has opened her eyes already-- thought you'd got me there, hmm? The two superheroes on the bridge take several seconds to look up at the sound of the opening door... they seem to have been fixated by something on one of the display screens. Moreover, when they do look towards the door, their first glance is to eye-level, and it takes them an additional few seconds to adjust their gaze downward to where the newcomer in fact is. This is why Kira, who is not a particularly good shot, actually has the opportunity to stun them both before any alarm more threatening than a shout can be raised.

Computer, seal this deck!

"Access denied."

Nuts, I forgot I don't have command privledges here. And there's nothing movable here to bar the door with except... except for a couple of empty baskets full of Dorito crumbs. Ick.

Kira quickly surveys the small bridge but sees no sign of the fabled L.I.C.C. member. The aforementioned Tommy Lee Jones Deer In The Headlights expression returns to her face, but rational thought soon triumphs and she begins to investigate the various doors that lead off the bridge. Although the turbolift and the little superheroes' room are both empty, it does not take her to long to attempt the captain's ready room.

Gosh, Frangelica never had one of these when she was captain. I don't know what that guy was complaining about. Maybe if he didn't spend everything on furniture he'd have some venture capital left!

Brian returns running and screaming. He has a very good reason to do this because a half dozen combat tribbles are bouncing after him.

Oh sh*t! Stop it! He works for me! Now go and chase the enemy!

The combat tribbles bounce away.

Brian, your holodeck idea is excellent. Do you think you can program a nice trap? Yes? Ok, good, pick up a phaser and go to work then.

Brians leaves, looking nervously around.

Josh, who's been whistling to Garth Brooks the entire time, finally stops and grabs a phaser pistol, set on light stun. Seconds after they exit the brig, they come across a door, which appears to be the entrance to some crew quarters.

This looks like a good place to hide for a few minutes.

He opens the door and looks in. Inside the room are not crew quarters but a completely empty room except for a very large and hairy creature with very sharp teeth and claws and six limbs. The creature leaps at the doorway causing Josh to give a loud yell and fall to the ground. Luckily, as soon as the creature approaches the doorway, it hits a forcefield and falls back as the door closes.

Or n-not. I think that we should k-keep looking.

What the heck was that? And who did write this creature?

The ready room is not exactly in receiving condition. Smashed furniture and empty first-aid cases abound, and evidence on the carpet suggests that somebody's fish bowl was cracked in a struggle. Strapped to the Captain's chair with medical restraints, his face covered by a hood, is a young man wearing the robes of a Jedi. Kira advances gingerly.

Err... this would be him. Funny, he doesn't look like Josh. Or Paddy with bad hair. no, or course, that can't be right, Paddy was on board the Spider. Which of our gang of Jedis went missing a few boards ago?

Kira pulls a jackknife out of her pocket and cuts the restraints. The Jedi displays no interest.

Oh geez, come on! Please wake up! I don't know the first thing about medecine and I don't know how to work a hypospray!

Kira attempts the age old method of repeated shaking. While this does not have any rousing effects on the prisoner, it does help her discover that under his robe, he has something bulky and electronic clamped to his left forearm.

Eugghh. That doesn't look friendly.

With an expression of immense distaste, Kira rips the device off the young man's arm. The Jedi stirs.

Please don't bleed, please don't bleed, please don't bleed.....

The Jedi's arm is not bleeding, and a muffled noise from under the hood indicates that he has heard her. Kira removes the hood from the young man's face and sees...

Jon whips out a tricorder he discovered and begins scanning the creature. He gets a somewhat confused look on his face and hits the tricorder.
I think it might be some breed of scpipt...

He walks down the corridor, phaser held tight in his hand. "OK, I know it's crazy to talk yourself, but who the hell else is gonna listen? OK, first step, find a holodeck. Computer," he whispers, "use lights to guide me to the nearest holodeck." A few beeps later, every panel within eye sight has a red arrow pointing in a certain direction. He smiles. "Snoogans." He begins walking towards the holodeck, crouching low, and peeking around corners.

Oh, oh my head...

(Observer opens his eyes, then closes them with a grimace at even the slight amount of lighting in the Ready Room)

Computer, please point me in the direction of the gear that I was wearing when G.R.O.S.S. knocked us out with the gas.

The lights point to a wall-mounted storage container less than 7 meters from where he is currently standing.

(Smiling) Excellent.

BF walks over to the storage container, but it won't open. He tries several times, then backs up and delivers a brutal snap kick. The container opens the next time he tries it.

Well....

He puts on the armor chestplate, makes sure the Wraith Shield Pod is hidden inside the cloak, then dons the cloak, followed by the belt, then the metal wristbands, and finally, the helmet.

Okay, G.R.O.S.S., you may have super-powers, but the LICC Authors now have something you don't.....

Does some silly superhero posing (not quite as bad as Gohan as the Great Saiyaman, but close).

GhostMachine!

Guys, when we're safely back in our normal lives, let's give all of our prospective villains a copy of the Complete Overlord List with Appendices, make it a little more realistic. All right SuperBrian, everyone, I'm open to suggestions about where to go...maybe sitting around in crew quarters isn't such a good idea.

Transporter room? Beam them all into the brig?
We can pull a "Scotty", and keep them in the transporter while we reprogram the computer to ignore any commands from G.R.O.S.S.

Very good, but Scotty had to do a lot of modifications to create his stable recursive feedback loop, and if THAT'S easily doable through the computer, then there's no hope for any of us to publish a novel anytime soon.

No, not like "Relics", but like "Day of the Dove", where he kept the Klingons in the transporter for a bit longer.

Personally, I don't mind Britney Spears & Garth Brooks.

But then I'm tone deaf, so what do I know?

Anyway, I was wondering, what if we're not the real authors? What if we are just versions of the real authors being written by the real authors?

(Turns to a bulkhead as if it were a camera)

The frightening things is, I think thoughts like this all the time.

(Turns back to the others)

Anywayyyyy, another idea is, we are the real writers, but this isn't the LICC Universe we write, but merely something that appears to be the LICC Universe. That would explain why we don't know G.R.O.S.S., as they wouldn't be from our LICC.

(Begins pacing back & forth)

The biggest question of course is, Why are we here?
Was some cosmic entity bored & just put us into a world like our fantasies for it's amusement? Possibly, but I think it would have gotten rather bored when most of us were stuck in the brig.

Therefore we must be here for a specific reason. It must be important that we are here instead of LICC.

The Negative Reason: LICC had the ability to do something that this 'entity' didn't want done, so it replaced them with us. However, seeing as the Spidermobile is light years away from where it should have been & has been captured by a rival superhero team, that possibility doesn't seem as likely.

The Positive Reason: The entity felt that LICC couldn't accomplish something that needed to be done so it replaced them with people it thought could do it. So apparently we have something the LICC lacks. What could that be?

Well, we have an innate sense of how the LICC Universe works..., more or less.
Now in DC Comics the authors from Earth Prime could affect events on Earth 1 or 2 as shown in a Flash story where writer Cary Bates was transported to Earth 1 & a Justice League of America story where writers Cary Bates & Elliot S! Maggin were transported to Earths 1 & 2.

What if the same thing is possible here? What if, to some degree, we've been doing it all along?

Consider that I wasn't killed or even hurt by that electrical zap that ruined the red shirt. We somehow managed to work all this 31st century equipment & did a pretty good job of defending ourselves against people who are trained to use it. Also I don't ever remember establishing that the Spidermobile had a Bizarro ray or Dupe-O-Matic, but when needed there they were.

Therefore on some level we have been affecting the reality of this universe while we are here.

What do you think?

(Turns to see that the others had all left the room while he was talking)

Ah, man! Nobody ever listens to me!

BF has been listening to every word KAM said.

Well, considering the fact that I consider myself a True Believer, who prefers Marvel to DC, I'd like to offer the possibility that some cosmic entity could be using us as pawns in some twisted game for his amusement, much like the Marvel villain known as The Grandmaster.

Or...someone with vast telepathic powers could be behind this. Maybe they've somehow invaded all our minds and brought us together, and we only *think* that this is really happening!

Computer, dim lights!

Come on, man. I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you!

This is patently false, but at least it gets the Observer to open his eyes again.

We've got to get moving. Can you stand up?

Jon wanders over and looks in the storage container that BF used. He pulls something out.
Good. My Cyberarmor was in there, too.
Jon dons the armor and does a Dr. Evil-esque pinky move
Just call me...MiniTaco!
KAM, I've actually been wondering if Q might be involved with this...

But since Q is one of our 'characters' (arches eyebrow, glances at JD) could that be possible?

Shhhh.

A very small door opens.

This must be the housing area of the LICC/small. Look, there are two half-height levels here and even a very small turbolift connecting them! Actually it looks quite nice. And there are probably more traps than one can imagine.

Shhhh.

The door closes.

It works...

KAM, maybe the real Q is the anonymous author who did write GROSS?

(Observer, still keeping his eyes closed, stands and speaks in a cautious, low voice)

Of course I can. I assume since you do not have the voice of Captain West nor his closest compatriots, that you have indeed decided to rescue me. If we're to proceed can you please quickly head over to the replicator and procure me a cup of black coffee and two Exadalevanols? I'd like to be able to open my eyes sometime soon...

I've been thinking... Since Artsy either died or disappeared, Sarah, her writer, would still be in the real world. Maybe we can find a way to communicate with her. How we can do that, I have no idea...

Boy, I hope it isn't Q. But then he was one of mine so perhaps he isn't around. You would think not even Q would have the power to reach all the way to REAL life to pluck us out and drop us in our own little story...

Waitasecond... Hm...

He gets a piece of paper and a pen. After a few seconds of thinking he grins and writes something down.

10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1.. .. .. Nothing.

Well, I don't think we can change the situation here by simply writing a new story twist. Too bad...

And honestly I'm not very fond of the idea of the Furby writing me. Ouch.

Hmmm... I want to try something!

Hi! I'm a 30 second author!
Hi! I'm a 29 second author!

Nope, doesn't work.

Coffee, black, 40 degrees Celsius, in a coffeecup. And two Exadalevanols on the side.

Kira places the items in Observer's hands and watches nervously.

(Observer pops the painkillers in his mouth, chasing them with the coffee.)

Uh, thank you.

(In a minute he can open his eyes, albeit haltingly)

Much better. I'll have to speak to that man about his choice of sedatives.

(Observer looks at Kira)

Hmm, you look familiar, but where have I seen you before...? Clothes are late 20th/early 21st century, a retro look or a time traveller?

I'm a refugee from a long time ago in a galaxy even farther away than yours. My friends and I have been dumped here as part of some practical joke and now the guys on this ship are trying to... well, I don't rightly know know what they're trying to do to us, but they are definitely Hostile. And we're incompetent civilians who can't deal with any of this.

I've come to rescue you in the hope that now you can return the favor.

He reaches the HoloDeck quickly, and checks him him to see if he's been followed. "Dam I wish I'd broguht a communicator or something. Oh well, I'll figure soemthing out." He walks up to the panel. "Computer, create a replica of the deck plans for the Spidership III on this holodeck, without working panels or weapons." "Affirmative." "Good." He steps in front of the door. It opens, right onto the bridge of the Spider 3. The similarities are astounding. "Spooky noochies." He looks around some more, and opens a turbolift. "Computer, take this turbolift to a representation of Deck 2." The door opens immediately, and in front of him is a hallway. "Awesome! OK, computer, end program, but restart once I've exited the holodeck." It shuts down, and he walks a few feet to the door. "Computer re-enable program, and disable general command functions. This program can only be shut down by my voice." "Affirmative." "Heh heh, just like what Picard di to F. Murray Abraham in Insurrection. I knew that movie would turn out to be for something eventually." He turns to the panel. "Computer, locate Frangelica, and hail her for me." He says this hoping that since Kira and Frangelcia have the same voice, she and the other authors can be found and infromed of his plan.

Frangelica is not aboard the Spidership.

(Observer muses a bit)

Hm. Well, I've had missions with stranger setups than that before, and I don't think you're lying, so let's get to it, I suppose.

(Looks down)

WHAT am I doing in my old robes...oh, now I remember. They got me on the way back from my retreat, where I went after Artsy passed away.

(As he continues speaking he drops the robe, clad in his normal green shirt-type thing, grey trousers and boots, and reaches into a deceptively small pocket and in one sweeping movement pulls out his customary brown cloak from within. Donning it,)

There we go, much better. So, still on the Dolphinmobile. Are your civilian friends in the brig here?

"Right. I should've known the DNA wouldn't be the same. How the •••• am I supposed to tell them my plan?" He looks at the panel. He sighs. "Well, they already think I'm a moron. If I broadcast my location over the ship's intercom, they'll know the baddies will come first and they'll come to rescue me. I might get killed in the process though. Maybe I should try something else." He thinks about it for a minute then sighs and rolls his eyes. "All right, it's worth a shot." He hits the button to activate the ship's intercom. "Hey guys..."

(Just then, the doors to the Dolphin's Ready Room pop open, revealing the two angry bridge crewmembers that Kira had previously stunned. The female lieutenant on the left balls her fists and her forearms burst into bright yellow flames, which seem to cause her no discomfort. The male ensign on the right abruptly fades from view, but two footprints in the plush carpeting of the ready room remain where he had vanished. The female lieutenant speaks)

"Surrender now, LICCers, or prepare for a beating..."

(looking at a calendar)

Wow! Who knew that by 3002 Free Comic Book Day would be a genuine holiday?

=/\= "Hey guys..." =/\=

Brian?

I think we should have retrived personal communicators...
Jon looks at the calendar KAM was looking at
And look at this... Survivor Day, Superheroics Week, and Spring Break, where all springs are honored and given a day off...

Q's arm has grown long... (he says to JD, illustrating the statement by extending his left arm and pulling his left sleeve back with his right hand)

Might I suggest we find the dimensional drive or dimensional communicator? We might figure out how to work it since this ship does have an IFOS.

He loudly broadcasts his location to his fellow authors, hoping that they would get to him before the GROSS people did. Nonetheless once he'd told them where he was, and that he had somethign REALLY important to tell them, he found a corner and crouched in it, holding his phaser tight, waiting.

"Could the communication be a trap, Captain?"

"Most likely. Concentrate on your work."

"Aye, sir."

"Beta, any more of their little furry drones about?"

"Negative, Captain. I shall keep on watch."

"Good."

(in Mr. Absurd's voice) Computer, what steps did I take when I hooked up the weirdness magnet to the crew complement records which were then fed into the transporter/replicator systems' Heisenberg compensators to create spare crewmen when needed?

Computer: You never did such a thing.

What? Yes, I did! It was during... oh, yeah that was the Stand-In Mr. Absurd on the Stand-In Spidermobile.

Well, drat.

And it seemed like such a good idea to outnumber GROSS.

Padawan, did Klassikos take the reality warping dice with him or are they still on the ship?

Well, then we should reduce the number of active GROSSies.

Most of them should be in the main shuttlebay now and I think that's the place where we should attack...

Computer! What's the status of the anesthezine-flooding life support module?

This service is currently not available.

Grrr... And how are the ventilation controls in the main shuttlebay? Are they working?

Yes, they're fine.

Gooood. I think we'll have to flood that area manually with knockout gas.

Computer! Is it possible to replicate some kind of anesthezine grenade?

Yes, but that requires authorization from two command officers.

Ok, guys. My cunning plan would be this: We replicate a few gas grenades, I recall a few tribbles and let then swallow a grenade each. They deliver our surprise to the shuttlebay and let the big sleep begin.

We only have a chance of 1:1000000 but it could work! What do you all think?

Btw...Computer! Swith the lights in engineering to strobe mode! I hope they don't have aspirine.

ACK beep

Dixie: How can they just callously put grenades in cute little tribbles & blow them up?

Phil: Because they don't have any rabbits.

No tribbles will be harmed during production of this LICC story.

Shame they don't have any cats.

Hold on, Lec. Won't flashing them to death with strobe lights just tip them off that something's gonna happen? If I were in the shuttle bay and things start going like a hyperactive disco pulsar I'd want to get in a shuttle, and quick. For safety.

Maybe if we played music by the BeeGees & Donna Summer at the same time as the flashing lights they'd think it was a dance party?

No, actually, I think they would...FREAK OUT!

Does the classic disco pose

Immediately "Night Fever" begins playing, and all the authors begin disco-dancing like no tomorrow. After that, and "Hot Stuff", and the dance remix of "Stayin' Alive", things calm down and the authors return to planning without any hint of their dance party.

JD, the lights are flashing in engineering, not in the shuttle bay.

And whoever wrote this disco scene - I'll get you and my revenge will be horrible! Mwuahahaha!

But why are you flashing the lights in Engineering? I thought you said the GROSS guys were in the shuttlebay...

Most of the GROSSies are there - not all. Some of the higher ranks are down in Engineering and I wonder what they are doing there. Trying to regain complete control over the ship? Steal important equipment? Initiate self-destruction?

Oh-oh.

Just then, the security phaser pods stationed on every deck come to life and begin searching for their pre-programmed targets: NORMAL HUMANS. One of the pods initalizes not too far from where our intrepid band is standing...

(in reply to KAM's question about the dice)

I don't know if he did or not, I didn't write that part. I say we look in his quarters and see if they're there.

(takes a step back, motions Kira out of the way)

Now now, friends, I think we can avoid violence here. My compatriot didn't mean to anger you, she was just trying to rescue me, you know, understandable given the circumstances...

He still sits there, waiting, wondering why no one was coming. "C'mon guys where the •••• are you? If I have to wait much longer I'm start peeing my pants.

Paddy, you wondered earlier about the dimensional communicator... At a guess, I would say it would be on the bridge.
Shh.. did you hear that?
Just then the phaser pod on that deck rounds the corner...

Kira suddenly remembers that she is still holding a phaser and tries the Jason Technique of shooting everything in front of her in hopes that she will hit someone, or at least meake it difficult for anyone with flaming hands to get anywhere near her. After two telltale thumps, she stops firing.

Do thing really work that way in this dimension? Do they actually let you go if you confess that you were trying to... oh @#$%!!!!! Water! 2 liters!

Kira grabs the container of water from the replicator and douses the now-smouldering carpet. Something humanoid and invisible on the carpet gets very wet.

Let's get out of here NOW.

Actually, I was hoping to stall them a bit until, well, no matter.

(On their way out, Observer picks up the device that had been keeping him under and places it on the neck of the invisible body. The author and the hero walk back onto the deserted bridge.)

By and by, he's more dangerous than she is. So, fearless leader, what's the plan?

The phaser pod fires his weapons and hits BF and Jon. Luckily they are protected by their armor.

While the sparks are still flying Electron swings around, assumes a proper firing position, sets his phaser rifle on a much higher setting, fires and seeks cover behind Milkshake jr.

I hate surprises!

The phaser pod's shields take a beating from Electron's well-aimed shot, and the defense mechanism retreats around a corner...

Computer, disable all defensive mechanism on this deck, authorization Quantum Man Heisenberg Psi h-bar E 47 kitty!

Quantum Man requires a second authorization to do this.

Anyone?

Yeah, um, Milkshake-Tangelo-Wheatgrass-Bruce-Alpha-47!

code not accepted, command cancelled.

Dang!

Jon speaks up in a perfect imitation of Tacoman's voice
Computer, disable all defensive mechanism on this deck, authorization Tacoman Epsilon Phi Logan Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang!
Computer: Authorization Granted.
The noise from the pod around the corner lessens, and a thump is heard, as if something heavy has fallen to the ground.

Well, that works. Well, what's next?

"This."

A voice speaks over the intercom. Abruptly the gravity generators in the deck immediately below the authors goes out. The surprised humans find themselves in free-fall, then, without a warning, the generators go back on. In REVERSE. Life's not fun when you fall onto the ceiling. On and off, backwards and forwards, go the generators...on and off, backwards and forwards...

I've had more than enough of this!

Presses a button on one of his metal wristbands, which activates a null-gravity force-field around himself and the other authors; they float in the air instead of bouncing.

He then get a devious look on his face, and whispers to Jon and Jake.

What say we have the Computer shut down life support in Main Engineering?

Looks guilty. Why didn't you warn me?

Let's get back to the Spidership and get the guys out of the brig. Can you adjust the setting on this phaser to heavy stun?

The Observer does so. Kira blasts the door panel to the ready room. That ought to hold them. Say, by any chance do you know how to sabotage the shields on this thing?

That would be too cruel. Or?

Computer! Shut down the life support systems completely in Main Engineering!

Unable to comply. Error in module LIFESUPPORT_31247, quit or retry?

Quit! Hm... Computer, raise temperature in Main Engineering to 40°C!

ACK beep

Ha! And now we need some good music playing down there to confuse them completely. No, even better:

Computer, play three diffeent sounds simultaneously in Main Engineering! The first one should be a small hammer striking on an anvil five times per second. The computer plays a sample. Good! Number two is chalk creaking on a blackboard. Horrible, simply horrible. Fine! And the last one will be diabolic laughter in your voice. It sounds very disturbing. Excellent!

Computer, play this nice loud combination until I order you to stop it, authorization Furby Har Har Har!!! Don't accept any overrides.

Main Engineering slowly becomes a torture chamber. The lights are flashing rapidly, the temperature is nearly on Borg level and the fine music invites every headache in the universe.

And just to show them we mean business, lets screw around with any security personnel who fell for my wild goose chase trap!

Computer, start lowering the temperature on deck 13 by 10 degrees every five minutes, until it reaches a temperature of 10 below 0 degrees Fahrenheit.

Also, turn off all lights on deck 13 and broadcast static on all speakers at full volume there, as well. Command Authorization Rocket Ranger. Allow overrides only by myself or Captain Milkshake. If anyone unauthorizes to do so tries to override, then increase the temperature degradation by 15 degrees every five minutes.

Smiles at Electron.

I almost told the computer to shut off all replicators on deck 13, then I remembered that there aren't any there to begin with.

Well, terribly sorry, but I lost my powers of telepathy years ago.

(Walks over to the tactical console)

Ah, very familiar. Yes...doo doo doo..

(Plays the console like a concert pianist, a low rumbling noise is heard, and then it stops.)

There. Simple matter of configuring the shields into a geometric field design they couldn't support. Now, you say GROSS has captured the Spidermobile, and your friends are on it? What about the LICC?

They should be happy that we aren't supervillains!

Picks up the communicators from the storage container and distributes them.

I'd suggest we go to the holodeck now and look what Brian is doing. Come on and be very careful.

Jon, how about telling the computer to ignore all orders except from members of the LICC?

That's good, but it would be nice if those of us who cannot imitate the voice of a LICC member are also able to give some orders. And I don't know if the GROSSies have already tampered with the computer...

Could somebody with the right voice try?

I expect only Jon, Jake, or Kira have that authorization.

This is why you're the professional superhero and I'm the associate pre-doctoral fellow.

leading Observer over to the access conduit

C'mon, everybody else will be taking the turbolift.

Yeah, the L.I.C.C. has gone to the devil as far as we can tell. The lot of us switched dimensions and now we're stuck here and they're where we should be. So when G.R.O.S.S. initiated their diabolical scheme to wipe out the L.I.C.C., they found us instead and now the guys are locked up and I'm running around here in hopes that you can fix this all for us and single-handedly rescue the L.I.C.C. and send us home.

No pressure or anything.

Computer! Where's the cargo transport bay?

"Cargo transport area is one Deck 12."

(Observer smiles)

No pressure, sure, this'll be a lark. Okay, if we're in a hurry, then hold on. And don't scream, I know what I'm doing.

(Observer takes Kira's arm, and leaps with her straight down the vertical Jeffries Tube. The decks flash by at 32 feet per second per second until they gently come to a stop in thin air right at Deck Twelve. They step onto the deck inside the access conduit.)

Alright, we need to find a door back onto the main deck. Think this way over here will lead to one? I'm as much of an expert on the internal structure of ships as you are, I'm afraid.

White-faced and shaking...

Squeak...? Oh, yes, hmm, door. Yes, this leads back to the deck. Yeah, definitely. This is why real superheroes aren't afraid of heights.

Kira and the Obsever exit the shaft on Deck 12 and find themselves in an ill-maintained hallway. Kira suddenly stops short.

You've been on this ship the whole time... what's going to happen to you when we transport back?

(Observer motions for Kira to come on. As they continue heading down the corridor, he says)

What do you mean? The thing that switched you with the League members is still in effect, you think?

Computer, where are Klassikos' quarters?

Computer: Deck 6, section 12

Right. Maybe we should get up (or down, I can't tell the difference after being knocked about like that) there and get those dice, if they're still there.

Just remember, they can't alter the present, they can only affect the immediate future.

Well, then we should split. I'll go to the holodeck and look for Brian.

"•••• this, I'm getting out of here." He gets up and begins to run away from the holodeck area. He runs into a turbolift, smack into Electron. The two fall to the floor, the wind knocked out of them. "Aw man, that sucked!" he groaned.

Computer, please ignore all orders except from those of the LICC or the current authors.
Computer: Authorization required.
Authorization Tacoman Pizza Phi Spiderguy Wheaties Survivor Winner Herbert.
Computer: Authorization granted. All orders except for the LICC or the current authors will be ignored. Have a nice day.
Jon: There. That seemed to be easy enough...

I've got an idea...
Computer, in areas containing members of G.R.O.S.S, please play the "Imperial March" from the Star Wars movies and combine that with the sound of Darth Vader breathing.