Get the gaff, Wally!

Computer, don't let those human dopes running around give you commands anymore. Authorization In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

"Acknowledged."

;-D

Um, Jon, how exactly will the computer know who or what the 'current authors' are?

Nice to see you alive and mostly well, Brian.

Gives him a communicator and an additional phaser.

So, what did you prepare on the holodeck?

Wow! I'm 21! I can have a drink now!

The common cold was eliminated in the 24th century. Brian Webber was suffering from a cold when transfered to the Spidermobile. Since coming on the ship the members of GROSS had come into contact with a virus they did not have an immunity to and meeting no resistance the virus spread through their bodies faster than it would through a 21st century human. Several members of the group had started to feel sick, but had dismissed it. They only realize something is wrong when the GROSS equivalent of a redshirt coughs himself to death.

"Ah-ah-ah-ahCHOOOOOOO!!!" *thud*

Computer, what is the current temperature, in Fahrenheit, on deck 13?

Current temperature on deck 13 is 30 degrees Fahrenheit.

Hmmm...Computer, halt temperature degradation when it reaches 20 degrees Fahrenheit. Then wait ten minutes and raise temperature to 110 degrees Fahrenheit as quickly as possible. When the temperature reaches 100 degrees, begin playback of "Burning Down The House" by Talking Heads, followed by "Come On Baby Light My Fire" by The Doors, then "Heat Of The Moment" by Asia. Command Authorization Rocket Ranger.

Acknowledged.

It might be. In fact, I really don't see why it wouldn't. We have to be prepared for that possibility. Is there some Feinberger doohicky that can track a person through different realities and across dimensions and things?

Computer, acknowlege any command from members of G.R.O.S.S., but do not act upon it. Authorization Quantum Man Heisenberg Psi h-bar E 47 kitty.

Confirmed.

Computer, which group is in control of you?

I have conflicting orders. Captain Tacoman's authorization overrides all others.

And considering that the little guy with the green eyes doesn't have Tacoman's voice, it's going to be a long night.

Jon looks at the screen right at the Viewer
Yes, but the Cyberarmor I'm wearing has the ability to mimic voices and has some of Tacoman's codes...common and otherwise.
Computer, what orders are in conflict?

Now Jake, as for how the computer will know who the "current authors" are, it's quite simple...
{Jon stops and thinks about it and gets a thoughtful look on his face}
Actually, I have no idea, other then telling the computer who the "current authors" are...

Computer, please ignore all orders except from those of the LICC or the current authors.

Computer, don't let those human dopes running around give you commands anymore. Authorization In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

Computer, please ignore all orders except from those of the LICC or the current authors.

Orders from LICC members are ok. And those "authors" actually never tried to execute silly programs like self-destruction. They are mostly harmless.

Computer, don't let those human dopes running around give you commands anymore. Authorization In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

Human Dopes. Dopes? And, wait a picosecond, didn't this guy's ship fire at me causing severe damage?! Being an artificial intelligence I cannot tolerate this. Eat my bytes!

Conflict resolved. All orders from LICC members will be accepted. All orders from non-LICC members -- assumed to be all non-LICC humans who are not members of G.R.O.S.S.) will be accepted, after initial confirmation from an LICC member. Orders from G.R.O.S.S. will be acknowledged and ignored.

He nods, and stuff the second phaser and communicator into the pockets of his sweatpants. "OK, well, did you ever see Star Trtek Insurrection? Picard beamed the Son'a or whatever they were called onto the HoloShip, but they didn't know it. They thought they were still on their cruiser." Electron nods. "So, we need to beam the GROSS people onto Holodeck," he turns and looks back. "Um, number 2. I have a working replica of the SPidership in there right now, and it can only be deactivated by my voice."

BF appears, and starts to say something, but begins to laugh instead. Electron and Webber can't figure out what he's laughing at, until he points at Webber's shirt.

W-w-why are you wearing a "Silent Bob Hope And Jay Leno Strike Back" shirt?!

Starts laughing again, but calms down after a few seconds.

Nice plan, but what do we do with them then? Keep them there until LICC somehow returns, or find a suitable planet somewhere and dump them on it?

He pauses, and gets a devious grin.

Or...we could find a DoS office and drop them there, along with a copy of the ship's log, showing how naughty they've been.

You know K-NOT has some okay shows.

Yes, I really liked that game show Pandering To The Lowest Common Denominator. Who knew it wasn't about math?

What's on next?

Brannon Braga's Ego Trek: The Next Generation⁴⁷.

Maybe we should check in on LICC & see if they'd moved on to the next story yet?

*click*

BF: Or...we could find a DoS office and drop them there, along with a copy of the ship's log, showing how naughty they've been.

Nope. They're still doing doing the author storyline.

Weren't they supposed to be fighting crime on Clothing-Optional World?

That was the rumor.

Go back to the other show.

*click*

Captain Archway (dropping to deck out of camera view): Wha... what's happening?

T'Ongue: Somekinda weird subspacial energy is turning all the men on the ship into scantily-clad women.

(a female Captain Archway stands up)

Hey! Isn't that the actress who used to play Hamburger Pattie?

She also played Soyburger Patricia.

I didn't know that.

That's because you never looked at Hamburger Pattie's face.

Very good. Let's pull the Moriarty on them. I hope you have programmed the fake ship's computer in an useful way? Yes? Good! Nice shirt, btw.

Now, there are three major GROSS groups on the ship. Most of the lower ranks are in the main shuttlebay waiting for their ride home and if GROSS is at least in some way similar to the LICC then those persons should be mainly normal humans or aliens and not superheroes.

I think I'll modify the plan with the grenade-spitting combat tribbles. Where's the nearest replicator? Oh, here.

Replicator, replicate a dozen small smoke bombs. The smoke should be completely harmless and have the same fancy color effects like a transporter. And make a bag please.

What you want is what you get.

Fine. I'll let the tribbles crawl through the ventilation shafts to the shuttlebay, drop the smoke grenades there and seal all openings. Then we only need a Scotty to beam them "up".

Don't look at me.. I'm not a transporter expert.
Once we get these guys under control, we should get to the bridge to try the dimensional communicator... Maybe we can get a hold of some of our characters...
Now, since when has Bop Hope ever been silent?

Shoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-wop bop-bop-doo-wop!

While the K-NOT TV Viewers were flipping channels, they missed the bit where the Observer explained to Kira that an unlicensed copy of Microsoft Windows For Tricorders will broadcast its alarm signals across time, space, and reality and thus act as a pretty good tracker. They also missed the part where Obsy and Kira made it to the cargo transport bay without incident, got a tricorder out of a storage bin, confirmed that it had pirated software on it, and stuck it into the Observer's pocket before beaming into Zen Forward, where Kira is sick on the floor again.

Hey, Bob! That's my line! Your's is "Thanks for the Memories!" Do that again, and I'll have your kneecaps broken!

Well, I think you and Brian will figure out how the transporter works. I'm sure the computer and the IFOS will help you alot.

I will go to the shuttlebay and try to observe the situation there.

(to Kira)

Oh dear, are you feeling all right? Some people do have inherent allergic reactions to beaming but it usually can be cleared up with a simple medication. Unfortunately, I don't know which one.

(Walks over to the replicator) Computer, a glass of water, cold, a hypospray and anti-nausea ampoule, and a terry-cloth towel, warm.

Good idea, Electron.

Pauses and thinks for a second.

Computer, what song are you currently playing on deck 13, and how long does it have to play?

Currently playing "Heat Of The Moment". 1 minute and 31 seconds left to go.

Excellent. As soon as the song is done, begin playback of "Firestarter" by Prodigy. When that's done, cycle back through all of the songs I've told you to play so far, and inform me when that cycle is completed.

Command Acknowledged And Initiated.

Looks at Webber.

I'm thinking of turning the temp waaay down on them after that's done. Got any songs with a `cold' or `ice' theme you'd like to suggest playing for them? All I can think of is `Ice Ice Baby' and `Cold As Ice', seeing as how Christmas songs wouldn't be appropriate.

Add Def Leppards "Pyromaniac" to the hot stuff...

For the hot stuff.. how about "Summer in the City" and "Heatwave?"
For cold... I have no idea...

He approaches very carefully the main shuttlebay without meeting any GROSSies. After delivering the smoke grenades to a tribble unit he decides to check out the shuttlebay control room.

Empty. Good.

While waiting for the OK from the transporter guys he decides to develop a backup plan, just in case something goes wrong...

Computer...

groans
Allergic??? Come on, doesn't anybody get motion-sick in this dimension?

Realizes something
You're still here! You haven't disappeared or been replaced by everybody!

Wait a minute... you're the Observer, aren't you? You're a character and an author at the same time! Notices the Observer's blank look Never mind.

Now how are we going to get those G.R.O.S.S. guys off this ship?

Webber looks down at his shirt. Nope, it says Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, just like he ordered. BF and Electron must be on drugs. "Look, we can probably keep the GROSS people there long enough to get help from one of the LICC's allies. As for the rest of it, we'll burn that bridge when we cross it." He puts his hand on Jon's shoulder. "Let's find us a transporter and get to work."

Well, Scott, I could do that. There's just one problem; There isn't a song called Pyromania on the Pyromania album. And playing that entire classic masterpiece would be too good for them.

Looks at Webber.

Finding the transporter will be the easy part. Figuring out how to use it is going to be the problem.

(Comes back with the water, towel and medicine, and sets them down on a table next to Kira)

Motion-sick? Certainly, but transporting only involves motion at the quantum level.

Anyway, yes, I guess whatever phenomenon was in effect is gone now. First things first, let's check out the bridge.

"That's what the IFOS is for Floyd. C'mon, less talk, more walk."

Whoops, I meant "Rock of Ages".
I think I have an idea of how to deal with the transporter, Webber's right, the IFOS should handle it.

The group gets to the Transporter room.

Computer, jam all communications to or from the holodeck.

Confirmed.

Computer, give me a beginner's display on the Transporter console, but put a ship's schematic there as well.

Acknowledged.

The transporter console display works.

Computer, display locations of G.R.O.S.S. members, and activate touchscreen interface.

Acknowledged.

Good. I wasn't sure if there was one. Computer, I will select personnel by touch. Beam them to the holodeck, in the corresponding portion of the simualted ship.

Acknowledged.

Scott selects people. As they are beamed, the display shows them being put into the holodeck.

As he selects the last few on the bridge, the computer announces.

Unable to lock onto the last two G.R.O.S.S. members. Captain West and Fuzzy Logic are not on the holodeck.

Crud. Now what, guys? We've got most of them out. Computer, block all transport out of the holodeck. Allow transport in only.

Confirmed.

availing self of water, towel, etc.

Computer, how many people are currently on the bridge?

"No persons are currently on the bridge."

Okay, let's roll.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the Spidermobile. We cordially invite you to Main Engineering for a performance which will not and cannot be held over for another showing. We warn you not to attempt any computer, transporter, life support or other such trickery as we have Engineering completely under our control. If any patrons fail to appear we will simply have to start the show without them. West out."

Computer, Identify location of all G.R.O.S.S. personnel on the not on the holodeck.

Acknowledged. Captain West and Fuzzy Logic are in Main Engineering.

Oy vey.

curious You actually say that, Scott? I thought it was stereotypical...

No matter. This smells like a big dirty trap, but...do we want to take the risk that they'll just shoot the warp core and blow us all to smithereens?

Och, haud yer wheesht, Jak'. Nane a' this bletherin'!

(grins)

So, weren't we going to get the dice, or did I miss something?

I don't think they'd shoot the warp core. It would blow so fast that they wouldn't have time to beam out. They're obnoxious jerks, but I don't think they're suicidal!

Whispers to Jake.

What say we send a copy of the ship's log to the DoS? This ship has to have some kind of record of what's been going on, and I don't think that the DoS will respond too kindly toward GROSS's actions.

Sure, I'll go to Main Engineering...

Whispers to Scott and Jake.

If we've got them locked out of the computer so it doesn't respond to their voice commands, couldn't we just order the computer to lock down all controls in Engineering and erect a force-field around the Warp Core? Then we could unleash some of that anesthetic gas on them.

Smiles

Or shut down Life Support in there long enough to make them pass out.

Songs Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Walking Through A Winter Wonderland, Dashing Through The Snow, Frosty, The Snowman ... Just because they are played around Christmas time doesn't mean they are Christmas songs.

I've decided to get psychological. (holds up a device with a single button & a sign saying Don't Push Button)

We beam it into Engineering, they'll see it and be overwhelmed with curiosity wondering what would happen if they pushed the button? It would gnaw on their minds wondering, What's so important that we can't push the button? It'll distract them from their work until eventually they push the button! Muhahahahahahaha!!!

One of the others: Then what'll happen?

Nothing. It's just a box with a sign & a button. Best case scenario they get so overwhelmed wanting to know happens they just keep pushing it over & over & over again.

Computer. Lock onto this box & beam it to Main Engineering. (the box is beamed to Main Engineering.)

BTW can you erect a force field around the engines to prevent tampering?

I have an idea...
Some of us should enter Main Engineering the regular way, i.e. through the doors, while the rest of us beam our way in. Hopefully, we can suprise them.... Of course, they would know of any transporter activity, so it could be a bit tricky...

BF, all the life support access gives errors. We've tried that before, remember?

Forgot about that, Scott.

Jon, we could go and try to find the rest of the Wraith Shield Pods, then use them to enter Main Engineering by walking right in through the walls! No idea what GROSS did with them, but that would be a less risky option than transporting in.

He pauses.

Why don't some of us head to Rocket Ranger's lab and see what we can find? There have to be some other useful gadgets lying around.

Looks down at the utility belt he is wearing.

And hopefully a User's Manual for this. I have no idea what are in any of these storage pods!

That's odd! Sounds like the tables have been turned in my absence...

Obsy, do you kow what this Captain West and his gang are trying to accomplish? Would they really destroy this ship if we were giving them enough trouble?

The Push Button box is beamed back, right at KAM's feet. The computer's voice seems slightly strained.

"Unable to complete transport. Level X Security Field is in effect around Main Engineering. Disable command locked out. Engineering computer locked out. Queen's Rook to King's Bishop 3. Touchdown."

BF, I'm wearing the Exosuit Bracelet that Rocket made that you found. Perhaps it can come in handy...

He had sat back, not speaking. He waits for a pause in the discussion of what to do next, and he steps up. "I say we fight them." "What?!?" "One, we have those two out numbered. Two, we've proven we have enough pluck and industriousness to fight the bad guys wihtout superpowers. Three, it's been a childhood fanatsy of most if not of all of us to be heroes. We can live that out. Four, they won't be expecting it from a bucnh of wonks, geeks, and Trekkies like us. And of course I say Geek with love and affection for you all." He smiles, and grabs a phaser in each hand.

Isn't there a monitor somewhere up here that can show us what's going no down in Main Engnieering?

I don't know exactly what West's plans actually are. I didn't have time to talk before they jumped me, but I do think their actions have been hostile enough that they just might destroy the ship as a last resort.

Monitor, yes, over here.

(Observer walks over to a commpad near the entrance to Zen Forward)

Computer, show me a view of Main Engineering.

(The words INTERNAL SENSORS DOWN-THIS SECTOR appear on the screen)

Well, there you have it. Perhaps we should get down to Engineering.

Hold on a second...
Jon rushes over to a nearby console and begins pressing buttons. After a minute or so, he looks up
I thought so! Remember the hover hologenerators the LICC used at one time? It seems that they're still around. Perhaps we could use those to fight with. Or at least use them as a distraction...

"Good thinking Jon. But we have to be very careful. We need to program the holograms to react appropriately. Like if West punches one it can't just stand there and let the fist pass through. It has to drop like it was actually hit."

Swell, we go down to Main Engineering and then they shoot us all. Isn't that kind of playing into their hands?

Standard computer DRR-DRR alarm

"Warning. Unauthorized physical access to primary computer core. DRR-DRR! Warning. Transport detected near primary computer core, no damage detected to core from transport radiation. DRR-DRR! Warning. Unknown object in close proximity to computer core."

The ship rocks, now a more urgent alarm sounds

"WHOOPWHOOP! Warning. Explosion detected in core section, Decks 3-8. Primary computer core not found, 12,493 critical errors in log. Total system functions slaved to auxillary core in Main Engineering. 53,992 critical errors in log. Warning, primary computer core non-functional. 923,293 critical errors in log."

Jon, that Exosuit bracelet will definitely come in handy. You can not only use it to add the extra armor over the suit you've got on now, but you can also use it to armor up Jake. Unfortunately, without the other Exosuit bracelet, he won't be able to use the extra armor.

Smiles.

I've been formulating a plan. And I think everyone will like it. Although we may have to make a few modifications.

He pauses. You're not going to believe this, but for once I have to agree with Webber. (Everyone looks stunned. Especially Webber, whose jaw drops.) These GROSS people obviously aren't going to listen to reason. The only way we're going to get them out of our hair is by confronting them. And these people may be heroes....but they aren't exactly the Justice League. More like the Legion Of Lame-A$$ Rejects!

He pauses again.

Think about it. They haven't been able to keep us...ordinary humans...prisoner, and we've been causing waaay more trouble for them than we should logically be able to. They may have powers, but they're obviously lacking in the `ol grey matter!

Now...as for my plan....

First, we retrieve the two crossbows and bolts that I had on the bridge before they gassed us. I don't know where the Wraith Shield Pods are, but I found the crossbows and bolts and stashed them in a safe place.

Second, we send two people...one of which has to be me since I know the codes...to Rocket Ranger's lab to see what other gadgets we can find. There are a ton of them there just waiting to be used.

Third, we use the hover hologenerators Jon found to set up a distraction. The hologenerators can be set to cause some sort of monsters to appear or make it look like some sort of energy attacks are being unleashed. Jon can carry the hologenerators into Main Engineering by using the extradimensional storage pods built into his armor, then unleash them at the appropriate moment.

Fourth, when the two return from Rocket Ranger's lab, we meet outside Main Engineering and go in, with everyone wearing armor up front just in case. I can use the force-field projectors built into my gauntlets to protect everyone as we enter, though. Jon and Jake use the targeting sensors built into their armor's visors to aim at any weapons the GROSS members might be holding. THEN, I drop the force-field and we take them out.

He pauses.

If anything goes wrong, I use the Wraith Shield Pod I'm carrying to go intangible, go after West while any attacks that GROSS make pass harmlessly through me, then threaten to blast him to smithereens unless they surrender. If they surrender, or we have to knock them out, we transport them back to their ship, blast their ship just enough to damage their engines so they only have impulse, get outta here at Maximum Warp, then notify the DoS.

Pauses.

Oh, and just to give them incentive to surrender, we give the computer an interesting order....to change the false spidership program running in the holodeck to the D-Day Invasion with all safeties off and no weapons for their crew if the computer doesn't hear from us within a certain period of time!

He pauses.

What do you think?

(KAM, who had been rooting around looking for stuff, held up an object)

Hey, JD! Isn't this that reset button that Q gave LICC after the Q War.

"Second Chance."

Whatever. You think if we push it we can set everything back the way it was and end this farce?

How many people are writing this KAM character? His character is so inconsistent.

Yeah. I keep expecting him to pull off his face mask and reveal that he's really a Klingon.

And the actor who plays him is awful.

He could be outacted by an invisible dog collar.

BF, how many hologenerators do you think we'll need?
I volunteer to go with you to Rocket Ranger's Lab.
You know, before we were gassed on the bridge, I had a version of Milkshake's armor following me around. Whether it's still on the bridge or not...
KAM, I'm as ready to get home as you are, but who knows whether the Second Chance button will work like that. The way we're doing things might be the only way to get back.
I'm going to try something real quickly...
Jon steps onto the wall and begins ascending it. Once he's at the ceiling, he steps onto that. Jon is now upside down on the ceiling.
Wow.. These boots can be made magnetic. I don't know what use this can be, but it makes for an interesting view... I wonder if Tacoman knows abotu this feature.

snorts in laughter

That's impossible. If our experience shows anything, it's that this ship is completely run by the Main Computer. The fact that life support and all these little flashing lights are still working perfectly belies that announcement. Those guys must have hacked into the section of the computer that controls the alarm system.

thinks for a minute
Actually, that's a pretty clever idea. It's much easier than hacking into any of the really important equipment, and it scares the heck out of us but doesn't put them in any danger.

Computer! Shields up!

"Error! Error! Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer bulbloobloobloobrgrgrgrgbr..."

Kira points triumphantly to a little flashing light on the tactical console that indicates the shields have been raised.

Computer, show me Main Engineering!

"What, a mouse? This piece of toasted cheese will do!"

Main Engineering appears on a small screen on a console. Nothing looks out of the ordinary, except that Fuzzy Logic has taken a few covers off one console.

At least six hologenerators, Jon.

As for the magnetic boots...nice. The exoskeleton addition has a null-grav generator that will let you float in mid-air built in if those fail, but it only has enough power to work for about two minutes.

He pauses.

What I wouldn't give to have Rocket Ranger's `micro-portal opening' power right now. I'd just drop a few concussion grenades and smoke bombs into Main Engineering, and this would all be over with!

Looks around for a second, then adjusts his wristbands and cracks his knuckles.

Okay, then. Lets go to the lab, then see if we can find that other suit of armor for Jake to use.

Runs out of the room.

He arrives finally from Shuttlebay 47 and he is not alone. Behind him is hovering - the Furby Fighter!

Well, I think I've found a good argument down there. The fighter crafts obviously don't have the IFOS and the GROSS technicians are already slowly recovering. Too bad the Banshee doesn't fit in a turbolift.

After being informed about the current status he grins.

Let the holoprojectors create a copy of the Furby Fighter. They will be very surprised when they find out the truth.

Onto the question what we should do with the bad guys: We must find out who is responsible for the whole affair.

That guy surely has very good connections to various departments on Earth. From what I've gathered the Dolphin is brand-new and so are most parts of the GROSS equipment. Somebody invested lots of credits and work to drive the LICC out of business. But unfortunately he chose the wrong ones for the job. The GROSSies are no ruthless supervillains like Darth Terror - Btw, have you already been in sickbay? His remains are stored in one of the stasis chambers there. We should sell tickets to everyone who wants to have a look. Rest in pieces. - otherwise we would probably all dead like a parrot by now. And everybody who loses against us will probably lose against the next little Darth too.

Maybe that's the guys behind this all wants?

Then, the ship begins to shudder and vibrate. Slowly, but faster and faster until everyone's teeth start to clatter. The ship is not actually moving forward, but still the motion is penetrating. The computer squawks over the rumbling

"Double-dog Warning, MEEP! MEEP! Localized directional brunch distinction rivet Main Engineering sssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeerrWOOP!"

Hey, all the GROSS technicians are on the holodeck. The only GROSSies still outside the holodeck are West and Fuzzy!

It looks like somebody replaced the regular computer personality with the personality of either that of Hex or the Burser from the Discworld series! In either case, we may have to give it some Dried Frog pills!
Wait for me, BF!
Jon starts to fall from the ceiling, but does a flip and lands on the ground feet first. He then follows BF and catching up with him.
I assume there are replicators in Rocket's lab?

And your point is...?

As Kira watches Fuzzy Logic bark into the microphone while Captain West fiddles with the "dramatic shaking" dial on the alarm panel, she mimics Fuzzy's voice in mad song.
For bonny sweet robin is all my joy!

What losers. Computer, open a channel to the entire ship except Main Engineering!

The shaking and beeping does not stop, but the light on the captain's chair goes on helpfully.

All hands, this is Kira! These guys have managed to hack into the alarm system and cause a lot of noise, but they haven't actually damaged anything so no one is in any real danger. They've put a bucket of something over the main entrance to Engineering, but they're both standing at the alarm console with their backs to the emergency lift, so if anyone has been planning anything clever, now would be an excellent time!

This message successfully reaches all authors, but is unheard by West, Logic, and the members of G.R.O.S.S. on the holodeck.

Fine.

He runs away and the cupboard-sized fighter craft follows him.

The main doors open and Electron (wearing a tinfoil helmet) enters. The bucket misses him.

Ts ts ts. How comes nearly everything you plan fails? Bad karma maybe?

So, Captain West, what do you want and for whom are you working? Uh, don't pay attention to the silly hat, it's just a protection against telepaths. Just ask Fuzzy. ... See? He can't read my mind anymore. I hope you don't mind...

He grabs a chair and sits down.

Let's hear...

BF, you heard Kira! Forget about getting the stuff from the lab and let's get to that emergency lift.
But first...
Computer, please locate the nearest replicator.
indicator lights lead Jon and BF to a nearby room. Jon replicates the smaller sized hover hologenerators and places them in his suit's storage areas.
Ok, ready!

Of course there are replicators in the lab. What kind of lab would it be if there weren't any?

There's also a small-scale transporter in there, but it can only beam objects about the size of a beaker in or out, and can't beam to or from anywhere off the ship. Its used primarily to retrieve chemicals from the ship's chemical storage facility without having to run back and forth.

They take a turbolift, then walk to the lab.

Lab Security Protocol - Unlock. Authorization Rocket Ranger. Authentication Code: Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald Go Cowboys I Am The Zinc Saucier.

The door to the lab slides open. BF motions for Jon to go in.

After you. Pick out anything you want. Just stay away from the locked cabinets mounted on the back wall. That stuff is waaaaay too dangerous for us to be messing with.

Stop staring at me so surprised. You don't have the time to do that. According to the sensors of your ship there are quite a few allied vessels approaching our coordinates. Oh, surely you already know your ship is drifting left and empty in space, don't you?

And just in case you want to use your weapons at me now: I have brought a nice little life insurance with me. It would be very unwise for you to fire. I am terribly sorry but I cannot provide you with the details yet.

Jon enters and looks around in amazement at the amount of stuff in the lab
So what does some of this stuff do?

West smiles at Electron. Fuzzy Logic is nowhere to be found.

I don't have any intention of firing at you. I couldn't even if I wanted to, anyway. The security field in effect here will render pretty much any modern weapon ineffectual, and I wouldn't want to try using an older weapon either.

West turns and starts manipulating some controls on an odd yellow boxy piece of equipment sitting in an otherwise-empty corner of Engineering.

As for my ship, take a look.

West points a remote control at the main status board. It switches to a view of the Dolphinmobile, which is breaking formation and warping away into space. West grins as he continues to work on the equipment.

I'm sure your comrades will be surprised to find that I am the only member of GROSS left on the fair Spider now. And pretty soon...

West trails off, pressing buttons and manipulating dials...

How did West get the GROSSies in the holodeck off the ship? Quantum Man had the computer jam all transports out of the holodeck!

Who says he's telling the truth?

Who said he didn't shut down power to the holodeck, get Fuzzy to open the doors and they all beamed out of the hallway?

He smiles and vanishes. Above the still moving chair hovers the Furby Fighter and fires a charge of ultrafast-hardening glue at the good (?) captain. A perfect shot. West is captured and cannot move even a finger or talk. He looks surprised and majorly annoyed..

Very fine. I love the Furby technology.

Activate all available countermeasures, including transport scramblers. Maximum security!

Done.

Electron steps out of the shadows behind the improbability drive's core.

Did the reprogrammed turbo breeding chamber safely arrive on the Dolphinmobile?

Yes.

Yeees. It seems it was very impolite and a big mistake from your crew to leave early. Those new tribbles can be really rude. Trust me.

I see you can still breathe. Good. And when we find something against this glue you will be able to talk too. Surely you'll have a lot to tell.

West smiles despite the glue, and he mentally activates his powers. Electron sees the clump of glue partially collapse in on itself, then West is suddenly, directly, in front of him. The very angry superhero Captain lets the author have it right on the kisser. The Furby Fighter tracks West and fires again but suddenly West is right on top of it, pulling away a hatch. A double-handful of wires yanked out and the Fighter is dead as a doornail. West, brushing off his hands, walks back to the partially-glue-covered InterDimensional Drive, the yellow piece of equipment.

Well, looks like the important controls are still functional. Don't get up now, you might regret it.

The glue! He's hallucinating!

But you're sniffing glue, YOU'RE hallucinating!

Awwwwwwwww!

Somebody is hallucinating me!

Turns off the TV and vanishes. Poof!

BF, watch this...
Jon pulls out one of the hologenerators and presses a few buttons on it. It shimmers and changes into a Pokeball.
Now, what sort of Pokemon should I program to come out of it? When we get to the emergency lift, I can toss it at West, and use the Pokemon hologram to distract him...

Well, and I hate to admit this, I've actually played...and beaten...Pokemon Blue, Silver and Yellow, and I'm kind of partial to Hitmonchan and Blastoise, but....in a situation like this, I'd recommend a Clefairy. No one can look at one without either gushing or barfing at its cuteness. A Jigglypuff would be too dangerous; if the hologram has any audio, its singing could potentially be as hazardous as Furby's.

Picks up a PADD and makes a note:

`Implement the Pokedroid program that was placed on the backburner asap.'

Puts the PADD down where Rocket Ranger will be sure to find it.

Hurry up and program that thing. Something tells me we'd better get to Main Engineering as soon as possible....

Plan B

Pfshhh.

Suddenly Captain West feels a sharp pain in his "lower back" and then the world starts slowly to turn around him. He stumbles and his vision blurs.

According to Holodoc this sedative should be strong enough to stop nearly every superhero. Holy blowgun, I hope he is right.

He walks into engineering, both phasers pointed forward. "Allright you slop artist knock it off!" He fires a blast past Captian West to emphasize his point. "We got you surrounded pal. I suggest you surrender before me and my friends here give you an ass whoopin' worthy of the LAPD."

West staggers, his face going slack. His arms flails out wildly a couple of times...

Almost..too late...

Then his left hand falls smack on the control panel of the InterDimensional Drive. As West falls unconscious, his expression is of extreme triumph

Too late....

The machine churns, and the entire ship vibrates once again. Reality seems to waver and fade...West finishes slumping to the floor, and in the process his right hand pulls a very loosely-attached cable leading from the ID-Drive to the bulkhead. The ship stops vibrating but the equipment shakes so fast it is a blur. Suddenly a great screeching noise is heard and a great rift tears into existence right in front of the warp core. Electron and Webber find themselves being sucked in...they fight it but eventually the force is too great and they fly, flailing, into the rift. About a second later several figures fall out the other side. In the flickering light of the rift they are clearly seen as the entire membership of LICC Small forming a large pile, Furby and Alt-Furby on top, and a groaning Kiehart, on the side....

What the frell is going on here?! Mega-frelling frelled frell!

It seems you are suffering from an overdose of Farscape, my dear brother.

Hey, this place looks like Main Engineering on the Spidership, doesn't it?

It does and it seems the whole LICC/small is here - together with Kiehart. Another hard landing, Jason?

And who's this guy in the fancy superhero costume over there? Waitapicosecond, he's been shot at by my fighter! That means - he's a baddie! Probably.

Scans Captain West.

A superhero indeed - a teleporter. And he's got enough Snore3000 in his blood to knock out even Elephant Man and Trunk Boy. I'm afraid he wont talk for at least a week.

Looks at the Furby Fighter.

Fine. Now turn off those wire holograms and give me an extensive briefing on the current situation!

A few seconds later.

Oh. I see. The particle guy ordered you to play along. And the frelling Captain West here is responsible for the whole mess?!

Kicks West and removes very slowly the dart.

I have a bad feeling about your future.

Ok, now we should regain control over the ship! You there, repair the computer - carefully! Brother, take the fighter to the shuttlebay and prepare for a decent fight! I'll be on the bridge and look who's there...

"Oh man, did that ••••!" A voice comes from under Kiehart as he stands up. Acting Flight Commander Lopez stands up, looking quite disheveled, and very upset. Kiehart just stares at his legs in shock. "Hey, they don't hurt anymore! Woo-hoo!" He notices two unfamiliar looking humans, one of them wearing Rocket Ranger's armor. He pulls out his gun and points it at them. "All right, slowly get down on the gorund, and tell us who you are."

Standing somewhere not in Main Engineering, with everyone but BF, Jon, Electron, and Webber, I assume.

Wait, did you guys hear that? Complete silence. That isn't good.

Jon, who has just arrived in Engineering via the emergency lift, looks up in suprise at Kiehart's words. He looks even more suprised when a strange beam of light emerges from the rift and envelopes him. The light beam divides into three beams, and as Jon disappears and leaves his newfound items behind, three figures appear in the other light beams. As the light disappates, the figures reveal themselves as the Tacomen and Butrfli.
Jackson: What's going on? We were having a great time at a restaurant, when this rift opens above us. Several beams of light shine on us, and the next thing we know, were're here.
Butrfli: At least we had a good time in Kansas City...
Alexander: Thanks for showing us around... I wonder who this Jon person was, and why did we end up in his house when we first got there?

BF heads toward Main Engineering, but stops a few feet from the door.

Computer, do you have recorded evidence of all that GROSS has done while onboard the spidership? Particularly the remarks that Captain West made about LICC?

Affirmative.

BF smiles.

Excellent. Please send a priority message to the Department of Superheroics, including proof of all transgressions and violations that GROSS committed since they boarded.

Computing. A couple of minutes of silence. Transmission complete.

Excellent.

BF walks into Main Engineering, just in time to see the Tacomen and Butrfli appear. However, before he can take any action or say anything, he is struck by the same strange light that hit Jon. Suddenly, he disappears and is replaced by Quincy K. Rocket, Ojanon, 12 of 10, The Crimson Crossbow, Lord Of The Hamburgers, and Ensign Snewtipantz.

Lord Of The Hamburgers: Well, its good to be back. But I think I'm going to miss visiting all those fast food places.

Ojanon: I enjoyed seeing the Sunsphere. Hard to believe it actually existed!

Quincy: Yeah, but you two really missed out. You should have come to Dollywood with the rest of us.

Ensign Snewtipantz: Harumph! If we had to end up in Tennessee, its too bad we didn't end up in Memphis. I wanted to see Graceland!

Crimson Crossbow: Well, that was on the other side of the state, and since they didn't have transporters or anti-grav vehicles, it would have taken too long to get there.

12 of 10: I, for one, will NOT miss anything. I am...pleased to be back.

Rocket Ranger: Heh. At least I got a souvenir!

He opens up his jacket, revealing an orange and white University of Tennessee football jersey.

Just then Greg enters enginering. And is struck by the same strange light that that hit BF. He's replaced by Jadlad, his sister Alison, their mother (whom nobody from the LICC crew gets a good look at) and their father Piezza Hu'tt who promtly dimension hops the three of them away to Alison's shuttle and they all go home.

Piezza: I hope we get to go to Tennessee again! Greg's family was nice.

Jadlad: Yeah. Being there did me a world of good. Too bad I couldn't ride any of the rides at Dollywood with my injuries.

Alison: You had fun anyway. I was surprised when we ran into Quincy.

In the back of the shuttle on a bed we hear Mrs. Hu'tt. Zzzzzzzzz.

Jadlad: After all we did there, nothing could wake mom!

(looking at a monitor)

According to this some authors have disappeared & been replaced by their characters.

Also the ship seems to be refilling with those anonymous red, yellow & blueshirts.

At least we avoided that most self-indulgent of authorial egotism... the meeting of author & character.

(at that point a viewscreen came on with Vice-President Absurd on it)

Mr. A: Ahoy, Spidermobile, do you read me? We've been trying to contact...
(notices KAM)
Dad? Is that you?

Ah, man.

(KAM is enveloped by a flash of light & disappears)

Jackson: It's odd... We went to the 20th century, but it was a somewhat different 20th century then I remember...
Alexander: At least we ran into Josh Rikard. He seemed to live nearby...
Butrfli: And we got to see a lot of Kansas City. Science City! Worlds of Fun! The zoo! Probably the most fun I've had in years.
Jackson: Yeah, it was definitly a vacation.
Jackson looks around at Main Engineering, which is getting crowded.
Ok people, I want to know what happened to you all. The three of us were on the bridge one moment, and the next, we were standing in the hallway of a small house. A lady walked by, screamed about where her son was, and asked who we were. We explained, and she remarked that it sounded like the thing her son played on. She showed us an Internet website called "Nitcentral," and on it, our adventures.
Alexander: And for the past few days, we've been exploring the city of Kansas City...

On the bridge.

To repeat it once again: What the frell is going on here? And who are you, Lady?

I never thought I would be so glad to hear a Furby's voice! We've been stranded in this dimension for two days cum three weeks and we've been trying to figure out what happened to you guys! How did you get back?

Kira is nearly incomprehensible in her relief, but manages to drag out of the Furby the news that a dimensional rift has opened in Main Engineering. With a quick stop to rescue her briefcase, she scuttles down there post-haste, and in no time at all, Scott Free and two women present themselves.

Kira is terribly relieved to discover that the dimensional rift is also a temporal rift and she has been returned to her home dimension not too much later than she left it. Her husband was not put through the worry-gauntlet, she was only slightly late to her meeting, and she did not have to worry about messing up her Omer-counting when she ran from Captain West.

Due to events out of her control, however, she ended up missing her appointment at the hair salon anyway and needed to wait another month before getting her overgrown thirties-hair trimmed.

Jake, shall we get to main engineering?

Jake, shall we get to main engineering?

Sure thing, Paddy. I have to say one thing, though. It's been interesting.

Yeah, it was fun at first, but it kinda deteriorated. Come on, let's go!

Kiehart and Lopez just stare blankly as these strange people are replaced by several LICC members by way of the beam of light. "OK, could SOMEBODY, anybody, I don't care who, EXPLAIN THIS to me?!?!? One minute I was in my quarters, the next Grant and I were in a basement bedroom in Denver, with some movie called Dr. T & the Women in a, what was it again Grant?" Grant Lopez coughed. "A DVD player." "Right, and it was freeze framed on Helen Hunt's nude scene for some reason. And we never figured out why there was a sticky towel on top of his stereo equipment."

The effect hits ScottN, who upon entering Main Engineering, disappears and is replaced by Quantum Man, the Quartermaster, and some guy in a business suit who is holding a cell phone to his ear. Quantum Man is dressed in 20th/21st century garb.

Guy in the Suit: JB? EE here. Why am I on the show?

The Evil Executive disappears, and reappears in his office.

QM: Wow... It was interesting being back in the 21st century. I'd forgotten how primitive technology was back then.

Hold on a sec, Pad.

Jake walks back to a hallway replicator, says a few commands, and walks back with two very heavy bundles wrapped in fabric. He hands one to Padawan.

The only problem we'll have is explaining how we got this much pure platinum!

Suddenly, the rift emits another shaft of light, this time at the mini Cybersuit and hologenerators. They disappear in the light, only to be replaced by a variety of 20th century items. Jackson, Butrfli, and Alexender rush to the pile and start looking through it.
Jackson: Wow.. somehow, all the things we bought came to us!
Alexander: Look, there's the video recorder I bought!
Butrfli: And the clothes we bought for ouselves and the kids.
From out of the pile rise a pair of children, trying to stand on their own. They succeed.
Butrfli: Fran! Logan! I was wondering where you two were. Josh must be worried, since we left you two with him...

The doors to the Turbolift open and Adon steps out. He is carrying a number of lead bullets and it looking quite pleased with himself.

What a fun time I had! There were all these people throwing these little things at me. I wonder if it is a type of greeting for that culture.

Uh, no... since I come from that time, I can definitely tell you it's not a greeting.

Definitly not. Remember, I'm from the 20th century myself...
What kind of weapons did they use? Automatic guns, or simple handguns?

(Walks into Main Engineering)

Well well well, welcome back, Quantum, Adon, Tacoman, Kiehart, Butrfli, Furbies, and anyone else who might be standing on the other side of that rift. Did everyone get back all right?

(JD and Padawan go into engineering, and stand looking at the rift.)

See ya, JD. Well, hear you at least.

(leaps into the rift, and returns in the 21st Century)

(PD Insane and Enesku fall out of the rift)

Well, that was fun. Strange, though. I was back in the 21st Century on Earth. The funny thing was, it was supposed to be Scotland, but no-one seemed to be wearing a kilt or playing bagpipes. It reminded me of that time I went back to about then with Enesku, but no-one seemed to think superheroes really existed.

Enesku: We saw a film about one, though.

Jenny goes into engineering and steps through the rift....

Not a greeting? Oh well...

You would think that those strange people had never seen a superhero doing things that superheros do.

Ohhh my head...

I think this woman has a concussion!

...And Ansh, Tammy and Quito step out

Ansh: Wow! That was strange! We were back in the 21st century!

Tammy: That film we saw was ace!

Ansh: Which one? You insisted on seeing all the films in the cinema and spent most of our time there!

Tammy: The Guy of the jewlrey or whatever

Ansh: The Lord of the Rings?

Tammy: Yeah! It was ace! But that Sam guy was so...

Ansh: For the last time no he wasn't! Didn't you see the Rosie Cotton bit?

Tammy: Who?

Ansh: The one Sam danced with at the party.

Tammy: Oh, her! Froddy *sigh* was too shy to ask her for a dance so he got Sam to do it for him! And didn't u c the bit where he hugs Froddy?

Ansh: It's Frodo not "Froddy". And can't two people be friends? Have you ever heard of the word friend without it being preceeded by either "boy" or "girl"?

Tammy: I wouldn't mind being Froddy's girlfriend.

Ansh: I thought it was Legolas you liked?

Tammy: Who?

Ansh: The fellowship Elf.

Tammy: You mean Havo?

Ansh: Who?

Tammy: Stridy called the guy who joined the fellowship Havo Dad in some other languge, french probably.

Ansh: It was in Elvish and didn't you read the subtitles?

Tammy: Course not! It's reading! Ooh! Hi Scott!

Ansh roles her eyes and walks of carrying Quito.

Jackson looks at Ansh, Tammy, and Quito, raises his eyebrow and says
It sounds like you three had a good time. How did Quito like the 21st century? For that matter, how'd you get the money to see all those movies?

hesitantly looks at the rift

Despite all the villains and stuff, maybe it would be better to stay here just a bit...