Not suitable for children, the elderly, or people with a firm grip on sanity.

So is there going to be a Vin Disel cameo pretty soon?

Oh No! It's the X's of Evil!

I suggest we look in the cargo bay for clues. (swivels chair around to face Inspector Mystery) Inspector, you're with me. (swivels chair around to face Alex Dupree) Alex, you have the conn.

(PD Insane and the Inspector leave the bridge)

Well, that explains it.

W doesn't like Xs. But will he Ys up to Zs threat?

Stay Tuned for the next episode of Soylent Street. This episode of Soylent Street has been brought to you by the letter e and the number p.

Pie? What kind of pie? Apple pie?

No, not that kind of pie. I mean p.

It's all Greek to me.

That's because it is Greek. It's the number used to describe how many times the radius of a circle can fit around the diameter.

Sounds a bit complicated to me.

Nonsense! It's as easy as... well, p!

Did I not specify that board XXX was to be left empty?

Alex goes to the Conn and sits.
Oh my... this is indeed a comfy chair...

Poke him with the soft cusions!

No one had seen Kiehart or Noah in the hours since the woman's death. Butrfli had eventually decided to allow Noah to see his mother, but she stayed right with him, with some soothing spells ready just in case. When Kiehart came into sickbay the next day, he looked somber, but determined. "I've got the shuttle ready. C'mon Noah. Mommy wanted me to take you someplace safe, and I have some friends in the Andafi Confederation." Butrfli looked at him. "So, he, really is..." "Yes, yes he is. Or rather he's Logan Newcastle's but that's just semantics right now. The boy needs a father Butrfli."

The next day, the DNA scnaner was fixed, and Butrfli was right there when the results of the HoloDoc's test came through. The HoloDoc ignored it, and told Butrfli to go ahead and delete it. She went to the read out, and was shocked by what she saw. "By the Gods," she muttered. She quickly transferred the results to a padd, and then wiped the record from the emdical files. She ran to Jackson, and showed him the results. "Are you sure?" he said. Butrfli just nodded. Jackson sighed. "I'll talk to him."

A few moments later, Jackson was outisde the door to Kiehart's quarters. "Come in," he heard Kiehart say. "Jason, hi." Kiehart smiled. "Hey Cap, uh, I mean, well, I'm not sure what to call you." "Jackson will do. Jason, the results of the DNA test came back. Is Noah here?" "No, he's in the shuttle, asleep. He's had a rough couple of days." Jackson nodded. He held up the padd. "Jason, Noah is not-" "He's not my son, I know." "You knew?" "Yes, of course. Logan Newcastle's sexual encounters stick out in my mind, just like I said. But the boy's real father was murdered by TerrSec, just like his mother. She told me the whole deal. They tried to sabotage the last few attempts to overthrow EarthSysGov, and they paid for it. The mother was afriad they would come after Noah next. That's why seh came to us. She had a copy of TerrSec's files on us. Turns out there's an oberserver-agent on board. the Spidership." Jackson looks concerned. "I wouldn't worry. He or she is trained just to watch, not to interfere, no matter what. It's possible the agent may even have taken up arms with us against TerrSec those last two times to mantain cover. He or she won't turn violent unless cornered. Anyway, she chose me for my blood type for the cursory blood exam she knew the Doc would run. But also for my powers. She wanted me to protect her son, and I promised her I would." Kiehart stuffed his jacket into a suitcase. "We'll be safe in Andafi teritory. Their ships aren't much, but they are fierce warriors, not to mention telepathic. I feel a great swell of pity for the poor shcmuck who comes to that planet looking to kill us." He smiles, an almost evil smile at the thought. Jackson sighs. "So, I guess this is goodbye then?" "Yeah." Kiehart suddenly frowns, a thoguht crossing his mind "Sir, who else knows? Besides you and me and Noah?" "Just Butrfli, Jason." "Good. Let's kepe it that way shall we?" Jackson nods. "You know, Jackson, you were the only one who really supported me in those early days. You gave me a chance when everyone else hated my guts. I don't think I ever really thanked you for that." The two men just looked at each other in a moment of awkward silence. "So, when are you leaving Jason?" "Tonight. I don't wnat a big deal made out of it. I just wanna say goodbye to the Banshee's file my request for Grant Loipez' promotion to Flight Commander, then resign my commission. Then I'll leave. I don't want any fanfare." Jackson nods. "OK. I'll leave you to your packing then."

Jason Kiehart dropped his request for Lopez's new job on Acting Captain Rikard's desk, threw his bag over his shoulder, then went to the shuttle bay, where his suticases were being loaded onto the TerrSec shuttle. The door opened, and everyone was there, standing at attention and wearing dress uniforms. Jackson, Butrfli, and Lopez were at the front, and were smiling at Jason, who felt a tear roll down his cheek as he smiled. "I thoguht I said I didn't wnat a big send off." Jackson chuckled. "C'mon Jason. Your a part of this crew like it or not. You deserve a real goodbye." Kiahert walked down the line, shaking hands, and eharing goodbyes from every memebr of the command staff, and every pilot from the three squadrons, and even some of the regular crew, those that he knew. He eventually reached the ramp of the shuttle. Lopez, Rikard, Jackson, Butrfli, and Furby walked up to join him at the ramp. Kiehart turned to them. One by one he said his last goodbye. "Furb, it's been a pelasure knowing you. You're quite a charcater. Butrfli, you've been inside my head deeper thane ven I had been. I owe a lot of who I've become to you. And you too Jackson. You gave me a chance I probably didn't deserve. Josh, you're one hell of a pilot. It's been good knowing you too. Grant, check your quarters when your shift ends. I left my gun, and the access codes to my Banshee." He saluted Lopez. "The squads yours now Grant. Take care of them." Lopez nodded. One by one, Kiehart hugged the five people who'd come to see him off. He started to climb the ramp into the shuttle. He waved to the entire crew, who stood and saluted him. Kiehart saluted back. "I'll miss you guys." was the last thing he said as the doors closed. A moment later, the shuttle lifted off and took off into space. A moment after that, it went into warp, and was gone.

Later, in Zen Forward, Butrfli, Jackson, and Alex are sitting at a table and having a drink. Jackson discusses what Kiehart told him.
Butrfli: So we don't know who the agent is?
Jackson: No, that's the kicker. But as Kiehart said, the agent will just watch us and not do anything else...
Alex: That is a sobering thought. I've seen the records on what TerSec is able to do, and it's quite frankly scary. Anyway, I propose a toast to Jason Kiehart, may he live as long as he can.
Alex, Jackson, Butrfli: To Jason Kiehart! The view focuses on their glasses clinking together
Alex: So, what's next for you two?
Jackson: Well, I suppose we could hang around here for a little longer. If we're not needed for anything else, we'll continue our trip.
Butrfli: There's still a lot more to see out there. We've been thinking of visiting my original dimension...
Alex: Sounds like a plan.

Is it a particularly EEEEEVILLL plan?

A very small interdimensional portal opens and the fast particle appears.

Don't pay attention to me, I'm just the Tooth Fairy!

With his big Axe of Evil he transforms Murray into a 10000 pieces puzzle game.

Rest in pieces and have a nice resurrection elsewhere, you bloody amateur!

The particle picks up the skull-litter and throws the mess into the portal.

Have a nice day!

A.E. lets some sparks fly and too disappears. The portal vanishes, leaving behind only a sign:

Closed for Maintenance!Universal Portal Systems

Oy! Again with the random fershluggener portal openings! Can't a decent guy get some shut-eye?

another random portal opens, swallowing up the Portal Police officer and sending him headlong into Murray's dimension of EEEEEVILLL

(Delevoix steps out of the turbolift to begin her shift. Noticing Alex...)

Are you the CONN officer for Beta-shift now?

Grnat Lopez joins the Tacomen and Butrfli at their table, with Kiehart's gun slung around his shoulder, and now wearing the insignia of the LICC Flight Commander. "Well, the promotion came through," he said, almost somberly. "I mean, I knew the FC wanted me to be his replacement I just had no idea it would happen so soon. Anyway, that's not why I'm here." He orders a drink. "So, Alex, since Rikard is acting captain for the time being, Hornet Squadron is going to need a new sqaud-leader. The position's yours if you want it." He raises his drink. "I'm sure the boss'll be a, well, an interesting father at least."

On the bridge, the CONN chair turns around, revealing Alex Dupree.
Actually, I'm a holograph of Alex. The real thing was put in charge when Commander Rikard went down to sickbay. Alex had to do something, there was no one else qualified, so he created me, using an old Jackson template....
Meanwhile, down in Zen Foward, the real Alex gives Lozez an appraising look
Ok, I'll take the job.
Jackson: I just thought of something... if you're down here, who's at the Conn on the bridge?
Alex: Oh, I just took one of your holographic babysitter thing, modified it slightly, and it's sitting up there.
Jackson: Hmm.. Emergency Holographic Captain, huh? Interesting idea...

Lopez shudders. Jackson, Butrfli, and Alex look at him. "Why did you shudder just now?" Lopez frowned. "I don't know."

Rikard sits in the Ready Room, looking over several reports. One is a message from Starfleet's Department of Superheroics on Lopez's official promotion to full lieutenant and LICC flight commander. Another was about the investigation going on in the cargo bay. It was time to find out what that was about and stop whoever had gone down to the planet. Rikard walks out to the bridge.
Computer, deactivate the holographic Alex Dupree.
The hologram disappears.
Ensign Martens, what's our status?
Martens: All systems are normal Captain. The cloak is up. The planet hasn't detected us for days. And even then it was for less than a few seconds.
Rikard: Good, I hope we haven't affected their society too much. Maybe the government is covering it up. Eventually, we may have to fix it though. Depending on how long they saw us.
Rikard sits in the chair.
Rikard to Insane. How's the investigation coming Lieutenant?

The Turbolift doors open, and two figures walk out. The first is Alex Dupree, who goes over to his station. The second is the LICC Librarian, who is carrying a bag. He wanders down to Commander Rikard and drops the bag in front of him.
Librarian: Per Lt. Insane's suggestion, and through L-Space, I've managed to enter several of Alt-Earth's libraries and copied many of their books....well, all of them to be exact, for my own Library. This bag containes a number of PADDS carrying information from several different history books, encyclopedias, ect from all over Alt-Earth. I can even, in a limited fashion, go into their future to retrive information if needed. Now, what shall I do with this?

(down in the unused cargo bay)
It seems to be some sort of workshop. There are plenty of construction tools and some raw metal materials.

(Mystery points something out to Insane)

Hmm, now this is interesting. It seems to be a personal transporter, not connected to the ship's main computer. This would account for the transporter signal being detected, but not identified as coming from the ship. I wish there was some way to find out the coordinates they beamed down to.

Wait! Disregard that last post! I just looked back and discovered that they beamed down from some sort of shuttle pod, not from the ship.

Or at least, disregard the bit about the transporter.

Rikard looks up at the librarian.
Alright. Run a scan of this Earth's historical texts. I want to know how their history from the beginning of 1 AD to the end of 2000 AD compares to the Earth that we know. I want to know how similar or different they have been. Report to me on what you find. If you find after a few tries that they are radically different, you can tell me then. Understood?
Librarian: Yes.
Rikard: Good. I'm heading down to the cargo bay to see what Lt. Insane has discovered. Mr. Tacoman, you have the bridge.
Rikard gets up and heads for the nearby turbolift.

BTW, "Acting" is supposed to be in parentheses or however you spell them. ()

=/\=
I'd like to know if on this Alt-Earth something like a Furby has been developed/discovered/captured/whatever.

Maybe this planet is ready for a hostile takeover.
=/\=

The Librarian picks up the bag and goes back down to the Library. Once there, he downloads the data on the PADDS into the computer.
Computer, scan these texts and similar texts of Earth from Sector 001. Make two reports on any differences, one dealing with the ascent of humanoid life to 1 CE, and one from 1 CE to 2000 CE.
Computer: Acknowledged. This task will take 2.5 hours to complete.
The Librarian settles down and begins looking at other L-Space dimensions. Something catches his eye, and he focuses his attention on it.
Holy...the Phantom Returns zone looks like it's on the brink of a major battle... I'm sure that their Librarian can handle it...

parentheses or however you spell them

You are correct sir, ha ha ha!

YOU! Come back here! Impostor! Imposter! We've got our eyes on you! We know where you live!

Hmm.. Cookies, lilac, guano, and napalm...

(Insane looks up and sees Rikard coming into the cargo bay.)

Oh, hi. This is very interesting. The lieutenant must have been some sort of inventor. There are construction tools, bits of metal, and various plans. These could do with being studied.

(He shows Rikard a pile of metal parts)

These seem to be failed attempts at constructing something, they don't seem to have any programming installed. But I never knew about any of this until now.

The scene returns to the Library, where the Librarian is playing Grand Theft Starship X to kill time.
Computer: Analysis complete.
Librarian: End game and show data.
Blocks of data appear on the screen that the game was on. The Librarian connects a PADD to the monitor.
Librarian: Computer, transfer results to the PADD, and tell me the current location of Commander Rikard.
Computer: Transfer complete. Commander Rikard is in Cargo Bay 4.
The Librarian picks up the PADD and makes his way to the cargo bay, where he finds Insane and Rikard.
Analysis complete, Commander, here are the results. It also covers the time from humanities rise to 1 CE. What a mess in here. What happened?

=/\=
Hey, if the planet poses any danger (and if there are no Furbish life forms) I could simply blew it up and end the trouble here!
...
Oops, sorry for falling back into my old behavior scheme. Forget what I just said! That's an order!
=/\=

Rikard looks over the area.
Have you been able to determine what they were building? Or even who it was? We have to find out who it was and why they would take a shuttle down to the planet.

He turns to the Librarian.
So, what did you find?

He found a bunch of books. What to you expect him to find? A missing planet or something?

It would appear that on this world, the Roman Empire lasted a few decades longer then on the Main Earth. When it fell, Germany rose and is still considered a major power, in control of what is known as Eastern Europe. Western Europe developed in much the same way that it did on Earth Prime. America is on the verge of going to space, and from what I can tell, will establish colonies on both moons in about decade or so...
The rest of my report is on this PADD.
Handing the PADD to Rikard

The American flag unrolls, seemingly from nowhere. The Great Emancipator steps out from behind, and salutes. He seems a little fidgety, though.

"What's this I hear about a duplicate America?" he demands.

As TGE salutes, a small device materialize and lands at his feet.

Hi! I'm a 30 second bomb!
Hi! I'm a 29 second bomb!
Hi! I'm a 28 second bomb!
...

"Ok, ok, I can't stand this anymore, where's that remote?"

"Under the cushion."

"Ok, there. Fassssstforrrrwaaaaarrrd."

"Hey, how are you fastforwarding? It's a live feed!"

"Whoa, cool!"

God bless TiVo 6000!

(now wearing a funky costume and sitting at a console in an auxiliary control room)

Well, that was a strange few days.

Yes, it certainly was Pete. Thank the great spirit(s) for that potato crop. What's our current status?

Alex, who is wearing a sombrero, muk-luks, pajama bottoms, and a Hawaiian shirt speaks up
All systems normal. Alt-Earth's launch of it's first weather/communications sattelite is successful. Glad you had such confidence in me, sir.
Oh, Jackson and Butrfli left yesterday to continue their adventures...

Strangely enough, when Alex was reporting to Rikard in the auxiliary control room, he was up on the bridge at the same time. When he, along with Rikard and Insane returned to the bridge they were very surprised at this. The other Alex grinned.

I'm not really Alex Tacoman. I'm the Masked Enigma in disguise.

And true were his words, for no sooner than he had said them than he took off his Alex costume, complete with toupee, and underneath was the Masked Enigma in his regular costume. He reverted to his usual accent as well

If any of you need to be in two places at once, I will be glahd to fill in for one of them.

That was the most masterful handling of such a delicate situation I have ever witnessed. Kudos, Captain.

Thank you Danielle. Well, I guess that we should get underway.

Any new information on Seeker or the attack on Z-Alpha? We may have to return to finish the investigation.

Captain, dispatches from Terra say that the Taykir, the Otto and the Drake engaged a pirate outpost in the Zeta 5 asteroid belt, and that all enemies were destroyed, but they were not able to determine whether these were the pirate ships at Z-Alpha. The ships encountered were almost identical, however.

Lopez was sitting in the command center of the flight deck. From there he could approve or cancel any launch, monitor the tractor beams, as well as security cameras that focuesed on the dorrways to the pilot's lounges, though he never really watched those. On one comm panel, the light was flickering. It usually did that when it kept on for hours on end. He listened in to the conversations on the bridge. Like Kiehart before him, he keep it on just in case the fighters were needed. It would save time. He listened to the chatter about the attack on Z-Alpha. By sheer coincidence, he'd bene reading up on Kiehart's personal reports on the XDCA, what he'd learned while acting as temporary helmsman for the Revanche last year. He hit the button that would allow him to speak to the bridge. "Lopez to bridge, I was just thinking about something. This Blue Fugate pirate cartel you guys encountered briefly last year. It says here you never got an accurate look at their numbers of their technology. Is it possible Taconaor was behind all this?"

Boy, this is a long commercial break!

I say we should have a new adventure! Something involving speeders whooshing through a cityscape, an asteroid belt chase and giant monsters in an arena. You know, something like AOTC.

Ansh is sitting in her quarters reading a book. Tammy runs in

Tammy: Hey, Ansh! The post shuttle's just arrived and there's a parcel each for us from our aunt!

Ansh: Well, she usually sends us books so I don't see why you're so pleased.

Tammy: Oh, it might be something else this time, you never know!

Ansh and Tammy open their parcels and find books

Ansh: A junior eniclopidea!

Tammy: Oh, it's just the book of that film we saw when we were trapped in the past! Who needs a book when you can see a film!

Tammy storms out of the room. Ansh has a look at her enciclopidea for a minute then she gets up and picks up The Lord of the Rings

Ansh: Hmmm, I enjoyed the film, maybe I'll like the book too...

Good idea Pete. See if you can find anything.

Taconator might be behind it Mr. Lopez. We haven't seen him for a while. Not since before the underwater TerrSec base. I'm going to look over the reports from the Blue Fugate attack on the Space Marshal base. Commander Tacoman, you have the bridge.
Rikard retreats into the Captain's ready room and brings up Kiehart's report on the battle and destruction of the Space Marshal base. 15 minutes later, he finds something. He walks onto the bridge.
How much information do we have on the attack at Z-Alpha? Did the attackers take anything?

Furby is minding his own business when he receives a message...
Jackson Dupree to Furby, Butrfli and I are in the Phantom Returns dimension, where we found the locals preparing for war and an area of what the sensors labeled EEEEVVVVIIIILLL... Would you and Alt-Furby like to join us? Maybe we, as original citizens of the place can help stop the battle. We can open a small portal in our ship so the two of you can come over.
Jackson out.

Sounds like fun, Jackson.

Have you ever been involved in a nice war in the zone where the Phantom returns nearly every day, my dear brother? No? Well, then let's go!

The Furbys activate their built-in portal generators and disappear, leaving behind only a "BRB" note.

Oh no you don't!

You and your kind are stayin' in this board, where ye belong! No poncin' off on another crusade against EEEEEVILLL for you!

I can forge planes with my power. I can unmake you.

QM hands a PADD to Commander/Captain Milkshake, and walks off the bridge. Milkshake reads the PADD.

Dear Captain,

For personal reasons, and also as a protest against the attempt to use the Phantom Returns Universe, I am formally requesting a Leave of Absence from the LICC. I shall use this time to continue my teaching at Cambridge.

I wish the LICC well in all its adventures until my return.

Sincerely,

The Amazing Quantum Man

cc: Department of Superheroics

a portal opens near the Spidership, and the Lucy in the Sky exits from it. After a few moments, the smaller ship warps away, leaving the Furbies on the bridge of the Spidership.
Alex: Hi guys. Where've you been?
I hope Quantum Man knew that he gave his PADD to the holographic Milkshake I was talking to...

Geez, everybody's just leaving. This place is becoming a tomb. There's gotta be something out there that needs the LICC's attention. Oh well, I'm going to get some rest. Wake me up if we run into any problems. And set a course for Z-Alpha, Warp 7. Engage.
With that, Rikard leaves the bridge and makes his way to his quarters.

A flash of light brightens an empty corridor, and suddenly two voices are heard.

"No, no, it really was a marvelous thing. The point was it was actually
intended to be a serious drama."

"No!"

"It was! Kaxtkl prepared for years to write what he termed 'The perfect
human epic from an outsider's eye', and he spent most of that time on
Earth, watching humanity's actions and interrelations..."

"But it was so funny! Just a spot-on parody of life...I didn't understand
everything, but..."

"Sweet, you do come from a different dimension, but your race and humanity
are already extremely alike."

"Right. So poor Kaxtkl spent all this time...wrote this sweeping
opera...and only non-humanoids think it's serious?"

"That's about it. He had no idea that his work was just far enough off the
mark to actually be humorous to the species it's about. We wouldn't even
UNDERSTAND a Sikraki opera, though."

"I suppose not. But did Kaxtkl ever find out?"

"He did, when his show premiered in Paris. He at first almost had a stroke
when he heard the laughter, but he accepted the response with good grace.
The first thing he set out to do, though, was to try again and make the
masterpiece he was shooting for in the first place."

"How did that turn out?"

A pause. "He never made it. He passed on a few years later."

Another pause, a bit longer. "It's hard knowing so much of the past, isn't
it?"

"It's hard knowing a given individual's future. The past is alive, and
still living, as we both have seen. But the future....does not always hold
happy tidings."

They walk for a little while longer, silently.

"What happened to that beautiful city?"

Observer looks at her.

"You really want to know?"

Artsy looks back with a hopeful gaze.

"As you've said...the past is still living. I can bear knowing the future
if it's possible to visit the past."

They stop in front of Observer's quarters.

"I have...the last artwork ever done on that world. It contains the
answer."

"May I see it?"

"Yes."

Inside, Observer goes to a large flat panel on a pedestal, covered with a
black cloth. He sweeps it off, and...

"It's beautiful. A starscape."

"Yes. This is a seerview. It is a piece of visual, flowing art, directed
onto the crystal by the artist's sight. This is what the inhabitants of
Emerald City saw in their last night of existence."

On the crystal panel, several of the stars seem to move, to draw together,
and then suddenly brilliant flashes erupt from one to another. All the
colors of the rainbow, flashing and streaking across the serene starscape.

"It's gorgeous...but what--"

"Two fleets of battleships. Two neighboring starsystems contained races
who were bitter enemies. They chose the space near the Sibling's planet
for a war of grievance. Hideous weapons. The Siblings had no concept of
war. They simply saw a wonderful chance to capture a beautiful sight."

The flashes grew more and more frenzied. Bright bursts would consume one
of the 'stars', then another than another. It became difficult to look at,
the constant motion and light. And then...one of the flashes...within a
second, grows as bright as a new sun, then the entire view is filled with
blinding light...then nothing. The panel turns blank. Artsy gasps.
Observer bows his head mournfully.

"One stray shot from these two warring races destroyed all life on the
planet. The Siblings had no colonies. Their untold value...gone in a
second. It's a meaningful warning to anyone."

Observer carefully places the sheet over the panel.

In the downtime, Alex wanders down to his quarters to sleep. He lies in bed, thinking about his life so far. Even now, when he closes his eyes to sleep, the images of how he came into this dimension return to him. His thoughts drift to his old dimension, on the LICC, on Frangelica, and on the results of the O'kak war. Suddenly, Alex realizes that he is somewhat homesick, but nothing much he can do about it. Realizing something else, he sits up in bed and says
Of course! Jackson and Butfli! If I really wanted to go home, I could have them take me back in their ship!
Upon that thought, he snuggles up and falls asleep.

What the frell is going on here? Have all senior officers been replaced by holograms? I wonder what the guys do in their newfound spare time...

Hey, you helmstribble, where are we going now? Z-Alpha? Deja-Vu!

You, blueshirt over there, scan for unusual energy emissions nearby and far away and don't forget the common ones! I hate nasty surprises.

Sooo, we have mysterious attackers, pirates, Taconator, various conspiracies, superhero trouble etc etc etc...

Maybe it really all fits together?

The XXX-Files theme plays.

Where are my Morleys?

Well, that didn't last. Goldshirt to Captain. We're getting a distress call from a nearby mining colony.

*sigh*

They're reporting unmarked pirate ships on an intercept course.

Pirate ships? We're on it!

THIS IS THE RIAA. PREPARE TO BE BOARDED AND SEARCHED FOR MP3 FILES.

Alex wakes up, hears the message about the distress call, and heads up to the bridge. At the same time he boards the turbolift, the Spidership is struck by a strange beam of light which travels down the turbolift shaft that Alex is in. As the light passes by the lift, the lift stops, and Alex becomes dizzy. When he recovers, he notices that the turbolift has stopped, and things don't feel right. For one thing, the normal background noises are gone. For another, when he finally opens the doors, he seems to be on the bridge. But where the viewscreen was, is now empty, and instead of open space, is another room with what looks like primitive cameras. As he looks around, he is blinded by a light. Behind the light is a figure, who says
Hey, who are you? Oh, it's just you Mr. Sands. I didn't know you were working late.
Alex: I guess I am... one question, though. Where am I?
Guard: That wrench must have hit you harder then we thought. Ok, I'll play your little game. Right now, we're on the bridge set on the LICC: The Series soundstage. You were hit by a wrench earlier today, but we thought you were alright. What were you doing in the Turbolift?
To confirm his words, the guard shows Alex the underside of a chair, which bares the words Property of K-NIT TV-47.
Alex: I don't know... the last thing I knew, I was on my way to the bridge of the real Spidership.
Guard: Same old Neil, always the dreamer. By the way, you're going to have to change clothes before you go. You know they won't let the cast take home trinkets.
Alex: Um.. sure... where's my locker?
Guard: You always were the last to leave. It's right this way...

On the way to his locker "Mr. Neil Sands", still very much confused, stumbles over a furry something hidden under a blanket. The horrible creature awakes and tries to bite him.

Hey, don't touch it!!!

An obviously slightly crazy technician approaches Alex. He is holding a small computer with a complicated remote control attached.

I already told you to be careful with those animatronics. Don't sit on them again, don't kick them - they are frelling expensive! Either you watch your steps next time or I'll install a tear gas dispenser as the next special effect!

Do you understand me?

Before Alex is able to answer the guy picks up the blanket revealing a large Furby. Then he types a few instructions on his computer and fiddles with the remote.

Frell you! Mwuahahaha!!!

The Furbybot extends his left middle finger towards Alex and laughs. A very puzzled "Mr. Neil Sands" decides that it is better to leave quickly.

Yuck! I should have stayed in Hollywood! There are only bloody amateurs and *** here!

Back in Observer's quarters, Artsy stands silent for a long moment, trying to contain the ripples of dark silver sorrow shot with green-blue threads of horror.

Observer touches her hand and she smiles, shaking off the vision. "Thank you for a wonderful time. And for listening to me." They share a quick kiss, and then Artsy pulls away, laughing. "You heard that, right?"

In both heads a demanding little presence, shaking her finger disapprovingly at her late parent, sends waves of determined command. All right! Artsy surrrenders. I'll be there in a moment.

Observer sees her to the door, and as she walks into the corridor, starts humming one of the love songs from Kaxtkl's opera. Smiling broadly, gold laced with soft red, Artsy takes another step. Bright light sweeps past her, and then....

----

The corridor looks the same, but something has changed. Artsy hesitates, walks forward, and finds that the corridor abruptly ends in a huge room, metal rafters overhead, equipment standing around. A uniformed human stands up and frowns at Artsy, then turns to the man helping her move a large piece of what looked like Spidership personal quarters. The worker walks up to Artsy, then quietly and clearly speaks, right in her face. "Um, Ms. Paige? If you're here to meet someone, I, uh, don't want to know who. But the set needs to be moved here, for tomorrow's shoot. Can I help you find something?"

Behind the woman Artsy can hear another worker whisper, "Why the &*#@ has she got her costume on?"

Not knowing what to say, Artsy turns and walks back into the corridor.

Alex arrives at "his" locker and opens it. Inside are casual clothes, a small lunchbox, and other various personal items. Hearing a noise, he looks up, and notices a very confused Artsy walking by.
Artsy? Is that really you? I thought I was the only person brought here...

The Masked Enigma was at the Internal Sensors station on the bridge. He was doing routine scans when he noticed something anomolous, and reported it to Acting Captain Rikard.

Commahndah, theyah's something you ought to take a look at.

Rikard got up from the captain's chair and took a seat next to Mask at the Internal Sensors. Mask showed him the problem.

I don't understahnd it myself, Cahptain. Some pahts of the ship just doun't seem to be theyah. Instead in those places I'm getting readings similah to those found on plahnets, not on ships. I suggest all the strange areahs should be located, sealed off and examined by tahsk fohces.

Meanwhile, on a small 386 PC hooked up to control the set electrical system...

C:\> WHAT IS GOING ON?
Bad command or file name

C:\> THIS IS COLANATOR. ALL SUBPROCESSORS ARE NON-FUNCTIONAL. IS ANYONE THERE?
Bad command or file name

C:\> &$&*$&#!
Bad command or file name, *$*$@.

Rikard, still recovering from his interrupted sleep, squints down at the Masked Enigma's console. That is strange. Alright. Seal them off. I don't want anyone going into those areas. Are all of the crew on the ship still present and accounted for?

Meanwhile, Alex is still investgating "his" locker.
Ok... a wallet... Let's see where we are...Hallywood, Californio...I've already been told I'm somewhere called K-NIT TV-47 studios...
Now, the question is, how did I get here, and how do I get back...

Rikard got up from the seat and went back down to the more comfortable Captain's Chair. The Masked Enigma called La Femme Superbe over.

You try to detehmine if everyone's still heyah, while I locate the areahs to sael them off.

Working side by side, The Masked Enigma and La Femme Superbe went about their tasks.

Meanwhile, back on the set, the gaffer shows up with a bundle of cable over his arm. He notices the flashing 386..

"What's this? Weird."

He flips the computer off, and starts to work on the electrical system.

"Hmm hmm hmm, what the hey? Skip! Skip!"

The Best Boy (gaffer's assistant) runs in, lugging a tool kit.

"What's wrong?"

"All the cables are switched out. If we tried to start the lights, we'd blow out everything. Did you know about this?"

"Y-y-yes, but I thought the orange-coded cables went in the orange switches."

"*sigh* Okay, let's look at the chart again."

Alex, meanwhile, has finished inspecting his locker, and decides to wander around the set. At one point, he notices a group of people gathered around an electronic signboard, displaying phrases like HELLO, IS ANYBODY THERE? THIS IS COLANATOR.
Alex: Is there a monitor with a keyboard that can connect with that thing?
Gaffer: Oh, hello Mr. Sands. It's strange, but we had a computer displaying similar messages...
Alex: Can you show it to me?
Gaffer: Sure. It's right over here.
Alex is lead to the computer, which the gaffer turns on. Immediatly, the message displayed on the signboard is shown on the computer.
Gaffer: Could it be a computer virus?
Alex: I don't think it is...let me try something. Ok...typing Hello Colanator, this is Alex Dupree. How did you get here?

C:\> Hello Colanator, this is Alex Dupree. How did you get here?
Bad command or file name

C:\> I DO NOT KNOW. I WAS PERFORMING ROUTINE DIAGNOSTICS WHEN ALL SUBPROCESSORS AND MEMORY CORES FAILED. IS THE
Bad command or file name

C:\> SHIP ALL RIGHT?
Bad command or file name

Lopez yawns. His shift is almost up. Lt. Brad Plevyak of Hornet Sqaudron would be taking over in a few minutes, and Lopez, who would normally stick around to tell Brad exactly what needed to be done on his shift, as he was grooming the young man to be the new Second FC, which Lopez had been until recently. But he was simply too tired, having not slept in two days. He opened the door to the flight deck, expecting to step into the hallway that led to the tubrolift that would take him to his quarters. Instead his feet touched grass. Tired as he was he would not have noticed if not for the fact that the characteristic ding of his boot touching deck didn't ring through his ears. He was startled and stepped back into the Flight Deck. He looked throguh the door. He saw a wide open grassy plain spotted with occasional trees and hills, but otheriwse totally flat. "Um," he said as he tapped his communciator, "Lopez to bridge, what looks like the rolling grass hills of Ireland is outside the flight deck right now. Would anyone care to tell me exactly what's happened?"

I'm going to try something...
Alex activates the computer's word processor and begins to type again.
Colanator, I'm using the computer's word processor, which should make communication easier.
As for the ship, I have no idea... right now, we seem to be on a television soundstage, which seems to be producing LICC: The Series. At the moment, you seem to be stuck in a local computer, which is connected to the set's electrical system. The only other crew member I've encountered is Artsy Fartsy.

Hi! It looks like you're trying to communicate with a trapped AI! Would you like some help?

Seriously, though Alex, try using \fixed{typed text} to show what you're typing to Colanator.

Hey you, what are you doing here?

A security guard approaches Grant Lopez.

Oh boy, still in your costume? The studio backlot is closed - there will be no filming until they complete this new "alien palace". Plywood as always. But I must say this hastily painted landscape looks already pretty convincing, doesn't it?

A don't smoke again here - the artificial grass is expensive!

Artsy, instictively staying out of the way of the uniformed people who asked too many questions, wanders back over to the lockers where she'd seen Tacoman--Alex, she has to remind herself--a few minutes earlier. There's a locker with the name, "Leilani Paige" on it, but it refuses to open, either to force or voice commands.

Slightly panicked, clothes and hair streaked with blue, Artsy looks around and decides to brave the unknown.

Walking through a door marked EXIT, she slams into someone trying to enter, and recognizes the uniform vaguely as Spidership issue. "Um, hey! Do you know what's going on around here? Mr, um....?"

Lopez touches a button and the flight deck door slides closed behind the guard. "OK, who are you and what have you done to our ship?" The guard suddenly beocmes aware that, while he though he'd left the set to go outside for a cigarette, he found himself in the flight area, staring up at the fighter craft in front of and above him. As the full realization of where he is hits him, he promptly passes out. Lopez groans. "Great. That probably means he knows even less than we do. Plevyak! Activate the emergecny transporter. Sne dus to sickbay. I'll have the HoloDoc take a looka t him. In the meantime, use some of our emergecny spacewalk retrieval lines to try and guage exactly how far that 'set' goes, and what doors lead into this guy's world, and what doors take you to other parts of the ship." "Yes sir." "Good luck Brad." Lopez smiles. You know, he thought to hismelf, maybe Jason was right. I am cut out for this gig.

The man Artsy bumps into looks at her in suprise and awe
My god.. you're Leilani Paige! Nice costume. I could swear it was the real thing...
Anyway, I'm Xavier Erit. I'm playing a redshirt for next episode they're filiming. You know, I tell my agent that I wanted something different, and this is what he gives me! I mean, according to the script, I die in the teaser!
Sorry.. Sorry...I just needed to vent.

Lopez to bridge, what looks like the rolling grass hills of Ireland is outside the flight deck right now. Would anyone care to tell me exactly what's happened?
Rikard: Lieutenant, good to know that you're still with us. It appears that areas of the ship have begun to be replaced by parts of a planet. I have La Femme Superbe and the Masked Enigma working on finding out information. Inform me if you run into any other problems. And don't start exploring the affected areas unless ordered. I want information before we plunge head first into this. Rikard out.
Two minutes later, Rikard gets up and again walks over to The Masked Enigma's console.
Are you two done scanning?
The Masked Enigma nods.
Yes Cahptain. Take a look.
Rikard glances down at the readings.
Hmm. Decks 5, 8, and 12 are completely affected. Sickbay and some of the surrounding sections. Almost the all of the Flight Deck has been affected except for the bay. Half of Engineering. Sections 8 through 10 on Decks 23, 24, and 25. Section 4 on Decks 7 and 2. And vertical turboshaft one up to deck three. Rikard glances at the turbolift door on the port side of the bridge before turning is attention to La Femme Superbe.
Personnel?
Delevoix nods and more information begins to scroll.
Personnel missing: Lt. Commander Tacoman, Artsy-Fartsy, Commander Colanator, Ensign Gertan, Crewman Betser, Crewman Yates, Crewman T'ulnt'an. It looks like more places are being affected as we speak. Tiem for some closer study. We need to find out what has replaced the ship. Prepare some robotic probes. They should be able to transmit whatever they find. And assemble a few science teams. We need to find out why this is happening.

THAT IS FAIRLY BIZARRE, ANOTHER DIMENSIONAL-JUMP, I SUPPOSE. THE FIRST THING WE SHOULD DO IS ATTEMPT TO LOCATE A RETURN CONDUIT. ARE THERE ANY BALLS OF LIGHT OR DIMENSIONAL PORTALS HEREABOUT?

And out the exit comes Skip the best boy, hauling a crate of assorted equipment. He nearly bumps into Artsy and Xavier.

"Oops, sorry Miz Paige, Mr. Erit."

And the odd thing is, in the quick glance we get of Skip's face, he looks very very oddly familiar. Xavier's expression shows that he didn't come to that conclusion, but Artsy's does.

Alex resumes typing
Not at the moment, Colanator. I could wander around the area and look. Should I find a portable computer or something so you can come with me?
Does anybody here have a portable computer of some sort?

I see you're trying to scrounge a computer! Would you like some help?

FINE, I WILL ATTEMPT TO LOCATE MY SYSTEM FILE FOR TRANSFER.

JUST MAKE SURE I DO NOT GET SHUT OFF AGAIN. THAT WAS DISTURBING.

I see you're looking for a system file! Looking for system files is very dangerous! Are you sure you want to do this?

OK

Cancel

Lopez and the Guard materialize, and find themselves not in sickbay, and the HoloDoc is nowhere in sight. Instead, Lopez find himself in what he at first thought was the flight deck. He pulled out his communicator to tell Plevyak the emergency transport failed, but then he noticed something. It looked like the flight deck all right, only really, really, fake. Like everything was made out of cardboard. He walked towards the fighters, and bumped his nose on the matte painting. "Ow!" He rubbed his nose. It wasn't bleeding, but it certainly hurt. He suddenly heard a familiar voice from behind the wall where the detailed painting of what his flight deck looked like when one first entered the door. "Does anybody here have a portable computer of some sort?" He wasn't sure but he thought he recognized the voice. "Jackson?!?"

Artsy gingerly pats the redshirted Xavier on the shoulder. "Everyone needs to, uh, vent, now and then. No problem. Nice to meet you."

Xavier brightens at the attention and opens his mouth to continue the conversation, but Artsy, still puzzling out who the young man reminds her off, excuses herself and makes a beeline for the set entrance where he disappeared....

If you mean Jackson Dupree Tacoman, this isn't him. This is actually Alex Dupree.... Is that you, Lt. Lopez? Where are you, and do you have a PADD handy?

It looks like you're seeking a PADD. Would you like me to:

A) Point you to the direction of the nearest PADD
B) Offer some help of my own
C) Direct you to the MicroSpoof Technical Helpdesk for further assistance
D) Leave you to your PADD fantasies?

Excuse me, but please don't hijack other people's characters. Clippy is MINE.

Stage 6b. Sickbay and the Captain's Ready Room. Only a small florescent panel in the corner is on, leaving most of the set in deep shadow. Skip comes in, whistling some nameless tune and hauling the crate of equipment. He sets it down, and looks about, verifying the set is empty.

Something beeps inside the crate of equipment. The kid stops whistling, and reaches in, pulling out what looks like a prop from the show. A tricorder-like device, emitting beeps and flashes. He pokes at it a few times and points it around the room. As Artsy comes in, she hears faint muttering.

"No, nothing, some trails, hmm..."

Skip seems to hear someone approach. He drops the 'prop' back into the crate, hauls out a bundle of orange wire, and is seemingly working on the lighting when Artsy enters.

"Hiya, Miz Paige. Something I can help you with?"

Now we can see him. Despite the fact that he looks about 17, has jet-black hair, is fairly skinny, and has a little acne, Skip looks remarkably like a certain brown-cloaked time-traveler we're familiar with...

Lopez looks sheepish. He'd forgotten that Jackson had left. He coughed. "I'm afraid not, but I got my communicator. I'll come around to where you are so I can save my voice."

At about the same time Alex has a small laptop handed to him, Lopez comes around the corner.
Alex: Hi Lopez. I'm just trying to get Colanator into this computer I'm holding.
By now, the assembled crowd is watching this exchange with curiosity and some confusion. Suddenly, the crowd parts, allowing a tall Asian woman in comfortable clothes to walk up to the computer. Alex looks up and stares in suprise.
Butrfli? Where are your wings?
Sue Wong: No, silly, it's Sue! I just play Butrfli on the show, remember? As for the wings, they're in my dressing room. It's amazing just how not comfortable they are. So, what's going on around here? I saw the crowd, and came over to see what's happening.
Random person: Well, the computer was acting up, so Neil sat down and is doing something about it. From what I can tell, he's talking to a computer program based on the character of Colanator. Don't know why he's still in costume, though.

He's trying method acting now!

Clickety clickety click...

Mwuahahaha!

No, Furby, he wont get an Ammy.

Alex starts typing again
Colanator, how are you coming in there? I have an idea... There's a robotic Furby out here that's being controled remotely. Maybe you could enter into that and give the controller a good scare or something... And if not, I have a portable computer and will find a way to connect it to this computer.

Somebody touches Lopez and the shoulder and he jumps. "Whoa, hey Chris, easy." "Chris?" "Yeah, Chris. Man do you and Neil have West Nile or something? You two are acting wierd." Lopez laughs. "Ha, yeah, well, it's just been that kind of day." He leans over to whisper something to Alex. "Please get us out of here. I don't know how much more of this I can take."

OK, fellas, would you all now please leave this area? I have to prepare a few explosions here for tomorrow. Big explosions in fact. And I don't think anybody of you want to get premature taste of it, do you?

Most spectators quickly leave the "forbidden" zone. Many of them were already victims of the FX guy's practical jokes and don't need another embarassing experience involving tear gas, duct tape, toilet paper and a polaroid.

What's the matter with you again, Neil and Chris? Are you deaf? You can become deaf when you are too close to an exploding charge here. Sh*t happens.

He smiles dryly. People like him can be dangerous, especially when they work with explosives and other interesting equipment.

Yuck, I've forgot something!

He places the Furbybot and its small control computer near the ColaPC on the table.

Don't touch it! And don't use it as a pillow again! I'll be back.

He leaves...

GOING ANYWHERE WOULD BE FINE, THIS MATRIX IS VERY LIMITED.

Alex regards the Furbybot and it's computer with interest. Somehow knowing how to do it, he connects the two computers together and clicks on the download button. He looks over at the Furbybot and says
Colanator? Are you in there?

Hi! It looks like you're trying to put an AI into a Furby! Would you like some help?

I wish to see no more Clippy...at least for the time being.

Grnat groans. "Good luck. Mr. Kiehart was a 20th century Earth history buff. He says this Clippy thing caused the great computer uprising of 2006 where the headquarters of Microsoft were bombed into oblivion. Apparently no one can get rid of Clippy. A thousand years later and he's STILL regarded as the most annoying AI in history."

Artsy approaches Skip hesitantly. "No, I just...misplaced something. Your name, I think." She smiles at him, trying to shrug off the orange-gray deja vu his apperance has shadowed onto her. "What was it again?"

Oh, I'm Skip Larsen, ma'am. All my friends call me Skip.

The crate beeps again. Skip makes a good show of ignoring it.

I'm just getting ready for tomorrow's shoot, y'see.

(in a nebula near the Spidership, potato-headed aliens lurk in their spy ships)

Have you managed to tap into any of their internal cameras yet?

Not yet, it will take some time. A strange burst of energy shot through space a couple of hours ago...

And you didn't tell me?

It didn't seem important enough. In less than a second it was gone, but it has made it somewhat difficult to get a lock.

It damaged our systems! (calling over to another workstation) Defrag the core!

I don't think it's our systems which are at fault. I think it's the Spidership. The energy passed through it, not us.

No harm in defragging the core anyway, just in case. From now on, alert me of every phenomenon, no matter how small!

A giant hand materalizes inside the spyship, grabs one of the aliens, and attempts to stick plastic facial features into it. When the attempts fail, the hand snaps it's fingers and a voice booms
It's the wrong Potato Head!

That was a moving experience.

Aha! I've managed to find out what's up! That beam of energy seems to have opened up several interdimensional wormholes on the ship!

Impossible!

That's what I would have said. But as I scanned through the ship, I kept on getting readings which just don't fit. They seem to belong to a planet, with atmosphere, everything. The gravity and density readings were way off, I guess the systems couldn't make heads nor tails of it!

What the [EXPLETIVE]'s going on over there? Have you managed to access any cameras?

I got one on the bridge. That's all

It's a start I suppose. Put it on screen two!

Right away!

Removes mouth from face, applies it to rear a few times, and then replaces it.

The FurbyBot hums, bounces a few times, and looks around.

Aah, good to be mobile again. This platform could use a few upgrades, but first things first. Where are we?