There! That wasn't too painful, was it?

The cat finally steps out from the shadows of the zeppelin to reveal itself. It is of avarage size, has black fur with green/yellow eyes and has a few white patches on it's back, which are most probably scars from previous adventures. It wears a black eyepatch and a silver belt with various buttons on it and a small plastic "SPACE-ZAPPER" TM toy tucked in to make him look dangerous. He curiously starts to look around at everyone and everything and finally turns to look at Poor Richard

Why are we here? Chicken?

We are not here for chicken, R.N., but I'm sure there's a KFC nearby. We have come to fight EEEEEVILLL.

to the various Soylents and Apes

My name is Poor Richard, a TX-421 cyborg. This is my traveling companion, Ranger Nestor.

True EEEEEVILLL can never be destroyed completely.

Screw this battle between Good and EEEEEVILLL!

I'm going home to play "Deus Ex".

Oooooh, satire! Peter and Dudley would have been pleased.

So.... what's going on exactly?

Nestor removes the plastic laser from his belt

Yeah, fight EEEEEVILL, fight EEEEEVILL!

Ehh, how many are there of us, and how many of them?

Chicken

If you're not with us, you're against us. Or something.

Hmmm.... looks like the grand battle between good and EEEEEVILLL may need to wait for a bit, for I cannot go it alone. I must convice my peers that I have a case for my cause! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA--HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!!!!

Time to go to the United Villains Security Council to vote on going to war with the forces of Good!!!!!!

Well, we've deliberated, cogitated, and digested, and come to our conclusion, and we think the red kitchen should go on to fight in the forthcoming battle against good and EEEEEVILLL.

To Murray:

Are you still around? Go on, get out of here!

Guffaws loudly and slaps Kang on the back.

I'm with ya, Murray!

I'm really Hudson Duck!

Plucky go down the hole... Ewwww!

MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!

Moooooooohahahahahahahahaha!

Get `em!

Phantom Librarian: Army of toys, form ranks!
Lego Man, who is now a very large mini-fig: Mini-figure army, prepare to attack!

I like plastic toys.

hee hee hee hee

Fire!

Why can't we all just.... get along?

Why can't you all just.... get a life!!!

From the direction of the LICC portal, a beetle shaped ship appears. On it's hull reads the name Lucy in the Sky. From inside, Jackson and Butrfli are watching the viewscreen.
Jackson: Well, this is the dimension in which the LICC was born... What's going on down there?
Butrfli: Sensors indicate that the citizens are preparing for war... there seems to be an area of EEEEVVVVVIIIILLL down there.
Jackson: Hmm... You know, there's somebody aboard the Spidership who might like to see this. To the radio!
With that, Jackson leaps over to the interdimensional radio, makes the necessary adjustments, and begins to speak...

Oh bother. Another crossover. Would anyone have a small smackerel of hunny?

*BOING*

The Furbys materialize in the LUCY's bathroom, narrowly avoiding the toilet.

Huh, it's not yet bathtime. Now where's the lucky couple? Btw, I like the feeling of all this evil presence nearby...

Jackson wanders into the bathroom seconds after Furby appears.
Hey, Furbies! Welcome to the party! Come on up to the bridge and see what's going on.
Jackson leads out of the bathroom, which happened to be the one on the bridge. Butrfli, looks up.
Butrfli: Hi guys. I guess you want to be filled in, right? When we got here, sensors provided us with the images of gathering war, and what it labeled as EEEEVVVVIIILLL. I've been able to determine that the center of this EEEVVVVIILLL is right here...
Butrfli touches her console, and the viewscreen image of the battle changes to a single image.. a large skull.
Jackson: It looks like both sides have ammassed a variety of warriors, but there's an indication that it may end up like our battles of old, or even the Sailor Senshi/Darth battles. The LICC Librarian even mentioned that this battle could rage across the dimensions if they're not careful.
Butrlfi: We thought that we could do something to stop things before they start.

Maybe we should sing?

Now see what's happened? Another stinkin crossover. Why won't those LICC people stay in their own universe?

A gigantic being appears, grabs the Lucy with one hand, and rips a hole in the fabric of the universe with the other. He throws the Lucy through the hole and closes the rip.

BEEP

The Interdimensional Mouse appears in a bright flash of cheese. A certain gigantic being does the elephant and runs away, screaming wildly and calling for its mum and a stool. Silly, isn't it?

BEEP

With her tail she reopens the rift and returns the Lucy to the PROTENHSB.

BEEP

The Interdimensional Mouse smiles and vanishes.

BEEP

Will ya quit with the friggin' crossover portal doohickeys, ya schmucks!

I'm still trying to clean up the mess made after the last few unauthorized portal openings!

From now on, if anyone wants to do a portal thing, they gotta get permission from me first!

So that makes you the 'Portal Authority'?

No. But we can't blame him for trying. Still, at least someone's making a stand.

Walks up to the LICC portal with a marking pen, changes the L to an E & the 2 Cs to Os.

There! Now it no longer leads to LICC, but instead leads to someplace called EIOO.

Hee Hee Hee! I see food! Die, you fiends!

opens his belly to reveal a set of sharp teeth that immediately eviscerates twenty units of the Army of Toys

Now, my comrades, let us march onward and see what this dimension has to offer!!!

the warrior pig leads about ten thousand similar warrior pigs from the EIOO portal

[with great restraint] Well, Miss Surreal, it's an easy mistake to make. You've only just gone and tampered with one of the mysterious portals, changing its destination and summoning creatures from Zarquon-knows-where!

Now look what you've done!

Ug! Ug! Ug! Ug! Ug!

Well.... such was the commotion that these strange new visitors were causing that everyone in the Phantom Returns board went off in a panic. Except Murray, who a) couldn't panic (after all, he was a hideous demonic skull of EEEEEVILLL that had resumed his original form having once been a shatterd jigsaw puzzle) and b) couldn't actually go off anywhere (he was, after all, a mere skull).

Yet the strangest thing happened. The Warrior Pigs from the mysterious dimension known only as EIOO did not go after the denizens of Phantom Returns - they instead went straight for Murray! Carrying him aloft on their shoulders, the triumphant Warrior Pigs then marched all the way back to their home portal!

"Stop that! You don't know who I am!" yelled Murray, desperately trying to free himself.

"But you are our Savior! The one true hideous demonic skull who can free us from the Anti-Murray who rules EIOO!" cried Warrior Pig 79. And with that, the army of Warrior Pigs yelled a huge battle cry. "Ug! Ug! UUUUUUUGGGG!"

"Hmmm... leading a fearsome group of warrior pigs, eh?" mused Murray, the cogs whirring in his brain (OK, you have to use your imagination on this one). Yet before he could speak again, he and the army of Warrior Pigs had already reached the defaced LICC portal from whence the warrior pigs came, and the last thing to emerge from that portal was a sinister "MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!!" in a particularly EEEEEVILLL manner....

The defaced LICC portal shut itself. A lone and bothered figure then rushed towards the remnants of the portal with a hammer, nails, and several planks of wood, and started banging furiously. "That should prevent anyone from opening this portal again!" the Portal policeman declared, before collapsing in a tired heap.

Yo! We own any portals used by skulls. You got a problem wid dat? If you do, fuggeddaboudit!!

...

Hey! They left a postcard where the old portal's been boarded up. It reads:

"Dear all:

Have found a much nicer dimension with which I can rule other minions with my pure EEEEEVILLL. Am having a great time here in the company of Warrior Pigs. Will not be back for a few millennia or until war against Anti-Murray won. After that, will be ready to return to Phantom Returns with my army of GREATER EEEEEVILLL! Weather lovely, food OK.

Wish you were here,

Love,

Murray (still the Hideous Demonic Skull of EEEEEVILLL)

P.S. MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!!"

And that's the end of THAT chapter!

Hey...... looks like we've made headline news on LICC! One of their sort is disgusted at their feeble attempts to influence the course of events on our board!

Looks like our board's more interesting than we once previously thought!

The Phantom Librarian and his group looks over at the assembled bad guys, now without a leader.
Go back to where you came from, or we will have to get rough.
Meanwhile, aboard the Lucy in the Sky, Jackson, Butrfli, and the Furbies watch these developments.
Jackson: I guess we weren't needed after all. Butrlfi, set course for the LICC dimension.
Butrfli: Sorry, it would appear that the portal to the LICC has been blocked.
Jackson: Well, use our dimensional portal generator. Furbies, when we reach the LICC dimension, we'll let you two off at the Spidership.
The Lucy in the Sky emits a beam of light which resolves in to a small portal. The ship enters and disappears, much to the relief of the locals.

There's too much seriousness loose on the market now.... I am going to laugh and work overtime at it.

But our Leader has risen! He has been taken from here and marched onward onto a new plane of EEEEEVILLL!

He has completed His task! And you will suffer His almighty hideous and demonic Wrath when the time comes for His second coming of GREATER EEEEEVILLL!

Either that or everyone here will be torn apart by vicious warrior pigs from the EIOO dimension again.

Mmmmm... Evil Spare Ribs!

[hic]

Who do you guys think you're kidding, eh?

Why are you getting so worked up over a mere skull?!

Enough of this! I want my anarchy and irreverence and gratuitous acts of silliness!

No you don't!

Now, if I have three hiccoughing guards, and take two away, what do I have left?

And life was returning to.... well, I could say normal, but since when has anything been normal on "The Phantom Return Of The Empire´s New Attack Of Hope Strikes The Jedi Clones Menace Back"?

Oohh! Ohh! Pick me! I know the answer! I know!

Pick my lock, doofus.

Ayyy, Mr. Kott-air, pick Horshak already!

Well, screw me tight in shiny mahogany and call me secure. This is a nice board. I think I'll move in.

Hey, big boy... wanna go for a ride?

To Edoras? Now?

You! Elton John! Come hither, sirrah, and let me ride your back! I demand to be taken to the nearest stargate!

It looks like you're trying to be funny. Would you like me to:

Help you to not die on stage, or
Leave you alone to face the rotten fruit?

Must... try.... to.... reverse polarity.... of Planet... Earth.....

Hello, Murray.

It looks like you're attempting to be EEEEEVILLL. Would you like me to:

a) Provide some helpful tips?
b) Get the real experts on EEEEEVILLL in?
c) Leave you to your EEEEEVILLL machinations?

What do you mean by Spain? What is it? It doesn't exist, does it?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

So peaceful, yet so chaotic.

My work here is done.

The trains in Spain drive mainly on the plain!

Can't we still be friends, Edwina?

No.

I don't care what the people may say about our the two of us, Ms. Automated Tennis Ball Serving Machine - we're gonna go off to Vegas together and get married!

Oh my, there is a sheep here!

A little less conversation, a little more action please.

Oh be quiet. You're dead. I just told Jim.

*stock footage of stuff blowing up, followed by clips from various sword- and gun-fights*

Happy now?

I live. Of course I live.

You're the one that's dead, Bones. We shouldn't be having this conversation.

A-thangyewverimush....

Happy? Not really.

(What Elvis doesn't realise is that we've replaced the DJ Junkie XL with a 20 megaton nuclear bomb. Let's hope he doesn't notice.)

KA-BLA-BA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

Oops. I didn't mean to break wind like that.

Owwwww! My back! Help! Medic!!!!

BOOM Shake Shake Shake the Room!

Hey, Paul Newman! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Look at me, I'm a gibbon! Ooo! Ooo! Aaaak! Aaaaaaaak!

I remember in Zabooland the first time I went to the cat house... (The Kratt brothers muffle the puppet & the puppeteer to stop this story)

Hey Zaboomafoo! Get out of my house! And if you ever come back, I'll sic my bag of tricks on you!

(What Felix doesn't realise is that hidden in his bag of tricks, lying in wait, are twenty red-backed spiders and an emperor penguin. Let's see what happens to him!)

BOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!

Oh look - the black box recorder in Felix's magic bag showed that the emperor penguin was precariously balanced upon an old television set! And the poor animal exploded! Now, what are the chances of that happening, eh?

Approximately 7824.7 to one.

Blimey! Lummee! I really shouldn't be here. Oo-er, 'scuse me... Cripes!

opens up his Portable Portalhole (patent pending) and disappears back into the Dimension of EIOO leaving behind a broken hand-held catapult

(What the Anti-Murray doesn't realise is that we've reprogrammed his Portable Portalhole (patent pending) behind his back, so instead of going back to the EIOO dimension, he's going to end up in a pile of giraffe excrement somewhere in Africa in the year 1652. Let's see the fun as he plummets headfirst into the mountain of merde!)

Oh dear. Now we've got a new menace - a prankster of the clan Beadle.

Not for long, though. Everybody knows *I'm* the prankster king of the clan Soylent!

(What Soylent Dead Body in the Swimming Pool doesn't realise is that we've changed his name by deed poll to Spurious Antidisestablishmentarianism, Jr, and that in the middle of last night a sex-change operation was performed on him. Let's see what happened!)

Hey, this blood tranfusion feels like Folgers Crystals™!!!!

(What the Confused Transfusion Patient is barely realising is that the blood transfusion has in fact been deliberately tainted with Folgers Crystals™! We planted them there ourselves! Let's see what happens next!)

{What Jeremy Beadle doesn't realize is that we've replaced his Folgers Crystals^TM with battle nanobots that have been programed to explode when taken internally.}

(Now what the Battle Nanobot distributer [sic] doesn't realise at all is that we've sabotaged his nanobot distributing machine so that it plays Leo Sayer records at an unbearable level and in the most inappropriate moments! Tee-hee-hee!)

Oh no! We've got a prank war starting up!

It's a great guess, but it's not right.

If it's there, I'll give you the money myself!

What happen.

Somebody set us up the bomb!

We get signal.

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the sudden Zerowing turn this board has taken. Why can't we discuss some of the better aspects of the Web, such as the mystery of Britney Spears's hooters?

Yours etc.

Col. A.Y.B. Arebelongtous (Mrs.)

The Librarian stands alone, having dismissed the toy army. He nods in approval and says
That's what I like to see. A fairly peaceful place and a return to randomness.

How are you gentlemen !!

All your base are belong to us.

Woof! Woof! Woof! Worf!

What you say?

First D.O.G.S. said he didn't think he was getting paid enough for this appearance.

Second, he said Timmy's been kidnapped by circus folk.

Third, he was warning Worf to watch out for the tap-dancing ponies.

Clippityclopclippityclopclippittclippityclippityclop
"Ooof!"
"Neeeeeeeigh!"
"Sorry, ma'am."

(a pair of owls wearing skimpy, tight fitting clothing and dancing to bubblegum pop music enter)

Hello, we're Britney Spears' hooters. Was there some mystery someone wanted us to solve?

(and then entered an equine & a cat, also wearing tight-fitting clothes & dancing)

Hi, we're Britney Spears' p...

(and then the censors intervened and the rest was lost)

Move Ziggy! For great Stardust!

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the obvious David Bowie turn this board has now taken. Why can't we discuss some of the greater moments in musical history, such as the time Pete Waterman gave Kylie Minogue her first big hit by plagiarising Pachelbel's "Canon in D" wholesale?

Yours etc.

Maj. Thomas A. Junkie (Mrs.)

Oi! Waterman! Thief! Gimme my royalties, ya thievin' pap-churning so-called Svengali!

Your arse is mine! (And so is yours, Minogue!)

Today we announce the merger of two giant businesses in the area of office equipment and supplies, and introduce the creation of a brand new company.....

Packard-Bell-Canon!!!!!


(sorry)

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the obvious nihilistic turn this board has suddenly taken. Why can't we discuss interesting things such as that lovely little hideous demonic skull who used to hang around these parts? Life in these parts of Nitcentral is awfully dull without him!

Yours etc.


Brigadier Tony B. Liar (Mrs.)

P.S. If that fool Major John turns up again send him this Currie I've prepared for him!

I shall be drawing a not inconsiderable line under this conversation. Oh yes.

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the obvious thinly-veiled politically satirical names on this board. Why can't we just stick to much more broad humour, like Benny Hill and "Confessions of a Window Cleaner" and so forth?

Yours etc.


Gen. Alvin Q. Aida (Mrs.)

(shuffling through script pages)

Wait! That wasn't supposed to happen! Jeremy Beadle of Nine was supposed to set up the bomb in the vicinity of the owls, cat and equine. No, wait... that's page 255, we're on page 225... wait, who's been rearranging the script pages?

(What the Stage manager doesn't realise is that we've replaced his script with a copy of "Das Kapital" by Karl Marx! Let's see the fun ensue as he attempts to unite the workers of the Phantom Returns board!)

What is this 'Script' thing you speak of?

We use Scpipts around here.

Yeah, but we're getting tired of the same old scpipt...

I'm just a simple caveman who was thawed by your scientists. Your world confuses and frightens me. I know nothing of these "scripts" you speak of.

You mean to say I actually have worshippers of my own?

[evil grin]

Uh-oh. He's got *that* look in his eye again.

Happy Hallowe'en, everyone!!!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

BOOO!

Murray, eh?
HAH!!

You're not quite EEEEEVILLL enough.
You're semi-EEEEEVILLL.
You're quasi-EEEEEVILLL.
You're the margarine of EEEEEVILLL.
You're the Diet Coke of EEEEEVILLL, just one calorie, not "EEEEEVILLL" enough.

*Ding Dong*

(door opens)

Trick or Treaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...!

(trap door opens underneath them and they fall down to the dungeon)

Ah, Hallowe'en again.

I think I'll dress up as an Avon Lady. Or a Jehovah's Witness...

Pants or Treat!

Soylent Charcoal, master of disguise and disinformation, you have been found guilty by the elders of this board of uttering the name of our Lord, and so as a BLASPHEMER, you are to be stoned to Death!

Now, nobody is to throw any stones until I say so... Even *IF* Soylent Charcoal says "Jehovah"!

Stone the head stoner, if I kill you we all move up in rank.

Stone the Russian Ensign. Then we all move up in PANTS!

Yeah, man. This is gooooood gear, man.....

Did someone just say "Hello" to me?

Everybody must get stoned!

Hello, Wheen!

Ah, your Jehovah wears army pants!
Pants! 47! Warning, warning! Jehovah pants alert!
Malfunction in pants operation 42! Jehovah! Odin!
Head starts to smoke
Ants in your Jehovah pants! Danger, Danger! malfunction!
Oh, ah, dance in Jehovah pants! Oh, ah, dance with ants in your pant...
An odd pop, and then silence

[VOICE TYPE="Ben Stein Boring"]

You won't get any of myyyy trick-or-treat-candy.

[/VOICE]

See?! He did it again! Why? Always this day every single bleedin' year....

YOU CAN SEE ME HERE.

Mother DEATH! You've come back! Why did you leave me? Where's Daddy now?

I have a mummy and a deady.

WRONG GENDER, MURRAY.

Dear Sir,

I wish to complain strongly about the sudden morbid turn this board has taken. Why can't we talk about more silly things such as... er... I'll get back to you on that one.

Yours etc.


Kenneth Testicles (Deceased)

P.S. Besides, I thought DEATH had no gender.

Then how is he my grandfather?

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the attitude of the writer of that last letter. Getting cheap laughs from having a silly name is puerile and childish and certainly not the sort of thing we expect on respectable boards such as this one.

Yours etc.


Arthur von Pertbuttocks (Mrs.)

I'm just a simple caveman who was thawed by your scientists. Your world confuses and frightens me. I know nothing of the "respectable boards" about which you speak.

I AM THE FEARSOME PHANTOM RETURNS FREEZER. AFTER I, NO ONE WILL POST FOR MANY DAYS. MY POWERS ARE SUPREME.

Too late.

WELL, *I* AM THE FEARSOME PHANTOM RETURNS FRIDGE-FREEZER, AVAILABLE FROM ALL GOOD DEPARTMENT STORES WORLDWIDE.

AFTER I, NO-ONE WILL BE HUNGRY EVER AGAIN!!!

AND I ALSO COME WITH MY VERY OWN ICE AND WATER DISPENSERS AND A LIFETIME GUARANTEE OR YOUR MONEY BACK. I'M AVAILABLE IN CLASSIC WHITE, COOL GREEN, AND METALLIC RED.

I'm hungry.

WELL, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE! COME AND FEAST UPON MY FOODY CONTENTS!

Some food may require reheating, appropriate heating apparatus sold separately.

Do you have anything without Spam in it?

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Wonderful Spam, Wonderful SPAM!

The Phantom Librarian enters the area, opens PRFE and puts something inside him and walks away.
I needed something to put my banana daqueries and ginnen too'nix..

HEY! PHANTOM LIBRARIAN! I'M OVER HERE! I KNOW NOT WHAT THIS "PRFE" IS OR WHAT IT DOES. IT CAN'T BE HEALTHY, WHATEVER IT IS....

I wonder if the PRFE is from the EIOO dimension.

So that's where the thing's gotten to! We'll take that. Sorry.

snatches the PRFE in his third claw and disappears back into the EIOO dimension

The Librarian looks at the things spilled out of the PRFE and places them in the PRFF.
Anybody want a drink?

Got any tea?

IIII WANT.... a DRINK... oooooofffff.... SKUNK MUSK. KEEPS MY BREATH SMELLING FRESH.

I see someone has expanded our realm. Walk this way, gentlemen!

If I could walk that way I'd have something done about it.