Ooooh, triple X! One ticket, please. Hahahaha!

I thought *I* was Agent XXX!

I'm sorry, but all minors must leave the board at this point.

So when is the movie industry going to complain about this board? It did when LICC opened board XXX...

I wish I had a video camera, 'cause this is going to be one hell of a trick.

Dear Sirs,

Please shut down this board, as you are in violation of our copyright for the phrase "XXX".

Sincerely,

The MPAA
"We Own You!"

N0, w3 0wn j00!!!!

k3w1! m0r3 1337 h4xx0R5!

Kid: Mom, can I go to Phantom returns?

Mom: No! That filthy thing is rated XXX!

w00t!

Dear Sir,

I wish to complain strongly about the sudden hacker turn this board has taken. Why can't we talk about more silly things such as um... err... well, I'm still upset about it!
Yours etc.


P. N. Guin (Mr.)

D33r S1r,

1 0bj3c7 57r0ng1y 2 de pr3v10u5 l3773r. Th3r3'5 n0th1ng wr0ng w11h 1337 h4xXx0r d00d5 c0-x-1571ng p34c3fu11-11k3 w17h 0th3r p0573rs. Y c4n'7 w3 411 ju57... g37 410ng?

j0urz 37c.

]-[377/\/\i5t (Mrs.)

D33r 5ir,

i /\/\u5t 4p010giz3 4 de 83h4vi0r 0f meh 8r07h3r ]-[377/\/\i5t - h3'5 n07 855n \/\/311 0f 14t3.

j0urz 3tc.


L0c|<J4\/\/ (Mrs.)

Dear Sirs,

I wish to register a complaint. The "haxx0r d00dz" on this board are complete goofballs. Of course, I am doing this anonymously as *they* know where I am.

Sincerely,

John McCartney, Hacker Extraordinaire (TDEMG)

It's 8 o'clock and time for the pants on top of your television set to explode.

That's not right.

Well, dear, the pants did explode.

Yes, but wasn't 8:00. It was 4:12.

Perhaps he's from another part of the world?

Doesn't matter where you are in the world it won't be 8:00 when it's 4:12 somewhere else.

Maybe his watch is running slow?

Actually we don't wear pants. Muhahahaha!

(Suddenly bursting out of the freezer part of the PRFF, hundreds of penguins start running around the board pantsless)


(They are, of course, wearing shirts & shoes so they can get service in restaurants)

(a pair of pale green pants, with nobody inside, enters the board & sees the penguins)

Hey, youse guys can't get with that! Get 'em, boys!

(suddenly pants jump out of nowhere and start chasing the penguins around)

Dear MPAA:

As the original LICC board reached XXX on October 12, 2000, and the LICC 2 board reached XXX on May 8, 2001, LICC actually has a prior claim to the phrase XXX and you are infringing on LICC's Trademark.

Sincerely,

Lawyer Man, Esq.

d33r L4\/\/j3r d00d,

w3 0wn j00 411!!!! j00 5uc|<!!!

5inc3r31y,

])347h/\/\0ng3r
(King of the 1337 h4xXx0r d00dz)

\/\/00t!

+h3 14\/\/j3r d00ds 0f s3\/3r41 c0/\/\pu+r c0/\/\p4|\|13s h4u1 ])347h/\/\0ng3r +0 c0ur+ 4|\|d l3g4lly b1+chsl4p h1/\/\.

Sir, the Universal Translator is broken again.

(unfortunately the computer mistranslated this as "Computer, shoot me now!" and it did.)

d33r 13\/\/jer d00dz,

Ha|\|dz 0ff!!!! h3'5 /\/\1n3!!!


j0urz,

])347h/\/\0ng3r'z b1j4+ch h0

"/\/\y ]-[0\/3r(r4ph7 4mz phu11 7f 3315."

Ah, you want a box of matches!

That's it! We're going to strike!

Well, isn't that what you usually do during a boxing match? Strike the other guy?

Dear Sirs,

I would just like to state for the record that I only made one of the haxx04z posts.

Sincerely,

N. (Scott)

I believe, Mr. N (Scott), that these are no ordinary "h4Xxor d00dz". For one thing, they call themselves "h4xXx0rz" (with three "x"s) suggesting that they possess awesome power of some sort.

Maybe they're Triple-X rated hackers?

In an unrelated event, the Phantom Librarian opens PRFF and jumps in alarm. For inside PRFF appears to be a ancient temple of some sort...
What the heck? Oh well, at least my marshmellows are safe...

Zuu1 0wnz j00!!!!!!

EEEEEK! The dead have risen and are talking in 13375p33k!

I believe that they are called "marshmelons".

No! I don't have pointy ears! Now, you rotten kids, stop calling me!!!

A kid sneaks up and changes the letters on the PRFF to BREE and runs away to watch the chaos.

It's a shame he didn't change it to BRIE, then we could have had some with our crackers.

Oi! Don't you tell us how to do our job!

Welcome to BREE!

At least it wasn't the EIOO dimension again... The last thing we need is OUr EEEVVVIILLL friend to bother us again...

He already did. At least his 1337 alter-ego did.

So you're saying that Murray has 133t skulls?

Since the PRFF was short for Phantom Returns Fridge-Freezer, does that mean that the kid with the magic marker turned it into the Bhantom Returns Eridge-Ereezer?

I AM THE BHANTOM RETURNS ERIDGE-EREEZER!!!

BEND DOWN BEFORE ME AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS! (matron!)

You non-believers!!! I warned you all that the EEEEEVILLL that is Murray would return, and in a new, improved, more EEEEEVILLL form! But did any of you ever listen to me?! Heck no! You just ponced around as if he was a simple little angry doorstop, carrying on with your penguins, your hiccuping guards, your inane letters to the board editor.... and NOW look at what he's done!

I fear this new found EEEEEVILLL may not just cripple Phantom Returns, it may even bring the whole of Nitcentral to a humiliating standstill!!!!!

j00 907 7h47 r19h7, 57. 1d35 d00d!

wILL you st0p It wIth aLL these nuMbers. they are anoyIng. Can we get baCk t0 n0rMaL?

W3 h4v3 @ n00B!!!

Hmm. Looks like the "Oficial Speling Pollice (Acept no substtittues)™" have got a bit of a field day here in terms of spelling errors on this board!

A man comes out and starts chopping up a lute with an ax.

Hey! That's my lute! You'd better pay me for a new one!

Use the forte!

Frodoooooooooooooo if the nine fingers, and the Ring of dooooooooooooooom!

Grabs the minstrel of Gondor's lute and smashes it. He then hands it back.

Sorry.

A drummer comes out, beating on a strange looking instrument.
I'm the different drummer that some people march to..

Whatever floats your boat, missus.

Maybe... we were meant to march... to the sound of the drums...

Through the early morning sun
I can see her, here she comes,
She bangs the drums....

Have you seen her, have you heard,
The way she plays there are no words
To describe the way I feel.

How could it ever come to pass,
She'll be the first she'll be the last
To describe the way I feel

The Mondays were much better, IMHO.

I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Hang down your head, Tom Dooley...

I don't like Mondays.
I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot the whole day down.

It's Friday I'm in love.

Ahead of us is a large pack of 10-foot tall giant-ape things wearing pants, eating tapioca, and have a jaunty hat on their heads. According to the Phantom Librarian, some of these gentle creatures become Librarians in some of the lesser dimensions.

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the 10-foot tall giant-ape things turn this board has suddenly taken. Whatever happened to the good old days of vicious animal things, or, dare I say it, hideous demonic skulls?

Yours etc.


Al Takeyouhomeagainkathleen (Mrs.)

P.S. And anyway, since when did tall giant ape things have ten feet?

Dear Al Takeyouhomeagainkathleen,

The hideous demonic skull is currently being used as a basketskull over on the LICC board.

We appreciate your feedback.

Sincerely,

The Management

Ah.. they're a strange group of mutant tall giant ape things. Somehow they have survived the wilds of the Bournise Mountain Range on Grabnic IV. It seems that having ten feet and limbs helps them run after prey and from their enemies in an efficient manner.

It's soooooo good to see that LICC has lost its way... yet again!

Suddenly a flaming portal opens up from the EIOO dimension - and out from the door of flames are thrown two men locked in mortal combat.

Actually, make that one hideous demonic skull and one ten-foot-tall giant ape thing. (No, it doesn't have ten feet.)

Murray: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! Now you are MINE!!!
TFTGAT: [says nothing]

Amazingly, it seems the little skull, despite a series of worrying cracks along its hideous and demonic calvarium, is giving the huge hairy beast a run for its money! The giant ape thing's two arms look as if they're about to fall off any minute off, as the plucky little skull flies at it, teeth biting and gnashing away though mounds of coarse hair like some young harlot from a sleazy and cheap late-night direct-to-video adult movie. Finally, the beast's two arms give way, and the ape is left swaying in the breeze, about to topple over in defeat.

Murray: I am the winner here! I am the greatest! I AM EEEEEVILLL!!!!!!

Unbeknownst to the hideous demonic skull of SLOWLY INCREASING EEEEEVILLL, the defeated corpse of the ten-foot-tall giant ape thing finally collapses forward, as its mighty but dead skull hits the dirt, releasing clouds of dust all over.... in the process crushing a now battle-weary Murray beneath and sending about a hundred thousand splints of hideous and demonic cranial bone flying out into the air!

The citizens of Phantom Returns watch in silence, numbed at the sight of what has transpired here. It's all too much to take in, of course. This is followed by an almighty roar of victory from the unshaven masses! People suddenly are rushing to and fro in excitement, preparing for great celebration!

The following day, the Phantom Returns Daily printed out the day's only headline:


MURRAY, HIDEOUS DEMONIC SKULL, IS NO MORE

Oh yes, and we shouldn't forget whose job it was to close that flaming portal again, should we? Eh? Eh?

I deserve the Nobel Prize for Transdimensional Arts for all this...

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the treatment that the character of Murray, the hideous demonic skull of EEEEEVILLL, has been getting of late. He is a decent person like you and me, and to kill him off in such a crass and feeble way is simply shameful. Needless to say I won't be listening to your radio show ever again!

Yours etc.


Y. Arrum

Flaming portals, eh?

Maybe you should try Preperation H?

I should point out that there seems to be some confusion about the 10-foot tall giant ape-things & the 10-feet tall giant ape-things.

The tall giant ape-things with 10 feet come from Grabnic IV.

While the 10-foot tall giant ape-things come from Taurus II. The Taurus II TFTGAT is a most interesting creature. They live in a primitive, but happy, society. While life for these majestic creatures may be tough they derive pleasure from simple pursuits such as, painting, dancing, and crushing small humanoids to death.

(at that point a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing came out and began crushing Mr. Latimer)

AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa.... gurgle *thud*

I'd have thought tall giant ape things with ten feet were more interesting.

Ornithologist, eh? That's a bit of a mouthful...

You mean the Murray is finally vanquished? For ever? For EVER ever?

D'OH!!!!! I mean, er, woo-hoo! Yeah, woo-hoo...

Well hey there neighborinno.

Shut up, Flanders.

WAAAAY! It's the Apocalypse!!

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to Ten-foot-tall Giant Ape-thing turn these boards have taken. It is very politically incorrect, and unfair to other "things", in particular to "Vicious Animal-Things".

Yours etc.


Q. F. Row (Mrs)

Dear Mrs. Q. F. Row

Thank you for your letter. We are sending a Ten-foot tall giant ape-thing to you to discuss the situation further.

Yours truly,
The Ten-Foot Tall Giant Ape-Thing Conspiracy

Dear The Ten-Foot Tall Giant Ape-Thing Conspiracy,

I must warn you that we are not at all happy with this situation, and will be taking drastic steps to end your vile tyranny of Nitcentral.

Yours,


St. John Thingy,
CEO, "Vicious Animal Things plc"

Be Excellent to Each Other!

Learn how to spell, you hippies.

It's "Wild Stallions".

Now go home and write that out 100 times and don't come back until you've finished.

Dear St. John Thingy,

Who the [CENSORED] do you think you are, stealing our [CENSORED] name like that? I ought to come down and [CENSORED] your freakin' [CENSORED] off, [CENSORED] [CENSORED] and [CENSORED], then [CENSORED] your [CENSORED], while [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] until the bunny rabbit stops breathing.

Yours truly,


Badger "Clive" McPhail
Lead singer,
The Vicious Animal Things

P.S. [CENSORED] off!

Boy are my arms [CENSORED] tired!

Hey Censor! Let me [CENSORED] tell you something!
[CENSORED] [CENSORED] CENSORED] you! Take your [CENSORED] [CENSORED] arms and [CENSORED], [CENSORED}, [CENSORED] them! And about those 10-foot [CENSORED] tall giant-ape [CENSORED] things: You can just [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] into the [CENSORED] CENSORED] and, well, you know the [CENSORED] rest!
Oh yeah.. one more thing... [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] those [CENSORED] little penguin [CENSORED] [CENSORED]! They and the ape things can just [CENSORED] for all I care!

THOSE NICE GENTLEMEN!

Oh, bumble fix [CENSORED] [CENSORED] to you!

Dear "Clive",

You are a very silly person. Didn't you remember that I'm your manager? That "Vicious Animal Things plc" is our commercial front that we're going to have to use if we're ever going to break America? Didn't all those lessons in basic accountancy and marketing ever cross your tiny little mind?

See you at Wednesday's rehearsal. Oh, and tell that idiot drummer of yours Goatsporn Phillips to pull his finger out - he doesn't know where it's been.

Yours,


St. John Thingy
CEO, Manager, and God
The Vicious Animal Things (plc)

(Camera cuts to bedroom, pans floor showing clothes scattered across it, stop at bed where we see a penguin and a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing smoking cigarettes)

Penguin: Was it good for you too?

(The 10-foot tall giant ape-thing nods it head)

Penguin: Me too. I'm so glad that LIttle CENSORED guy suggested it.

(Camera cuts to a concert hall where we see Penguins & 10-foot tall giant ape-things, playing fiddles & curved horns)

Conductor Frank Tapioca: Since we've got the adult rating we might as well show some Sax & Violins.

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the obvious musical turn this board has taken. I don't know why I'm objecting to this, the little red man gave me a thousand dollars just to do so.

Yours etc.


Colin Occupantsofinterplanetarycraft (Mrs.)

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the obvious letters turn this board has taken. If I wanted letters, I'd write them myself.

Yours etc.


Coleen Allcarscomeinallcars (Mr.)

Are you sure that was a penguin, or was that a nun? Or am I just talking nunsense?

No, these are Nuns.

(Shot shows Nuns, wearing their habits, wandering around ice floes in Antarctica, diving in the water and eating fish)

And these are Penguins.

(Shot shows penguins in Catholic schools whacking schoolchildren's knickles with rulers, in Catholic churches helping out the priests, and in Gotham City fighting Batman)

We hope this clears up any confusion.

A priest dressed like a nun walks in

I can't get out of the habit.

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to being objected to. As a letters writer of 59 years I have objected to several things, but this is quite frankly too silly.

Yours etc.


Uncle Kant Farquar (Mrs.)

Shut your f****** face, Uncle Farquar!

Wha-Wha-WHAT?!

TIM-MAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!

wakes up on Thanksgiving to find his pet turkey missing

Gobbles?

...

GOBBLES?!

...

GOBBLES!!!!!!

wakes up on Thanksgiving to find his pet can of cranberries missing

Sidedish?

...

SIDEDISH?!

...

SIDEDISH!!!!!!

wakes up on Thanksgiving to find his pet Nazi missing

Goebbels?

...

GOEBBELS?!

...

GOEBBELS!!!!!!

Dear Sir,

I strongly and wholeheartedly object to the obvious presence of impostors threatening to cash in on the Timmy phenomenon. Screw those guys, I'm going home.

Yours etc.


E. Cartman (Mrs.)

P.S. TIM-MAAAAAAAYYYYYY!

In another dimension, another Timmy wakes up to find his dog missing.
Lassie?
....
Lassie?
...

LASSIE!!!

[[[TIMMY! HELP ME!!!!]]]

Gobbles! GOBBLES!!!!!

Who invented the Skip?

TIM-MAY!

Mpmmppmmmpff Fmmmffpff,

Mff ppfmmppmmmppmmffmp fmmfmppffppfpppmfmpmfffm fmpppf fmpmfpmpp ppfmmpfpmmffppffmffmm Fmmppffmffmpmfp Pfmmmmpffpmp fmpfmfpffppp fmpmfpmfffmm mmpppfmmmpffmpm mfpmmmfmm fmpmmmpmpmppppp. Pfmpmfmppmmmfmmmpp fmmmppmpp fmpmfpmmmfmp mfffmp mpmppfmppfmmppp'fmp mfpmmmpfmpfmmppppp mmmmfmmmmmffppp.

Ffmppffmfpfffmm mppfmpmmf.


Pmpmppppppppffm PpmmmfMmfppfpffppmmffmmfpmp (Ppmpfffmm.)

*gasp*

I can not believe that the censors allowed that kind of language on the air.

I said, "Who invented the Skip?"

Observor's author invented Skip. Don't you read the LICC board?

And you're surre of that now, are ya?

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the following poor pun I have created out of my name in an attempt to improve Soviet-US relations.

Yours etc.


Laika Rhinestonecowboy (sex undetermined)

Dear Sir,

I also object strongly to the poor pun the previous letter created. I have been a Madonna fan all my life, and have never seen such awful atrocities. Except perhaps "Body of Evidence".

Yours etc.


Laika Virgin (Miss.)

Dear Sir,

I object with all my heart to the last two letters who are obviously attention-seekers eager to hog the limelight with their witty and intelligent wordplay.

Yours etc.


Anne Dputuyutu (Mrs.)

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the amount of complaints to this board that the size of this board has now ballooned to over 100k. It's about time something was done about it.

huge 16-ton weight crushes the writer