Boy, that was close.

Artsy stares at the place where Cardiac had once again vanished. One hand fumbles out, patting Observer's shoulders as if to assure herself that his cloak is really gone. Observer himself simply watches her, his hair and eyes now dark silver, lightened only by a few streaks of rosy gold.

The significance of those colors is abundantly clear to Artsy, and for a moment the depth of her beloved's emotion startles her. "Are you all right?" she asks uncertainly, turning fully towards him.

He does not immediately answer, and in the silence Artsy begins to comprehend what has just happened. "How was this one of your choices?" she demands. "You have left being an Observer--the power and the time traveling and the, the helping people. For me?" She winces, closing her eyes, one hand touching the scar that nestles invisibly under her short white hair. "How could you?"

MV: He did it all for the nookie, babe.

GF: (sarcastically) You're so romantic. (rolls her eyes)

MV: Thanks. (puts his arm around her, thinking she was serious)

Fire!

(All weapons on the flyship fire at the Spidermobile just as the Spidermobile fades away*, leaving the Negative Zone. The weapons fire passes through the afterimage.)

Purpleshirt: Wow, sir, we blew them out of the universe!

Fool! They escaped! It'll just be a matter of time before LICC invades. We must notify command of what happened.

(ominous music plays)

* The FX Guys weren't told that the script called for a portal to open & thought this would look better

The Bridge of the Spidership is shaking wildly. People are being thrown back and forth. A redshirt hanging onto a console yells, "There's been somekinda energy surge as we entered the portaaaaaaaa...!" The console explodes killing the redshirt.

A blueshirt cries out, "Yes! Things are back to normal!" and is crushed by a falling console.

Just as the Spidership reenters its home universe...
There you go sir. Your suit is off. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Rikard is thrown across the room.
Ow.

Without a single warning, a rag-tag fleet of 12 entirely dissimilar starships leaps out of warp, right in front of the Spidership. They hail the LICC.

"League of Intergalactic Cosmic Champions, crew of the Spidership. There is someone on board your ship who must be handed over to us. If you do not comply, we will be forced to use force."

Lopez groans. "If it's not one thing it's another. Lopez to FLight Deck. All squads suit up! Wait for the Cpatain's order to launch." He turns to Alex. "Get to your fighter too mister. If they attack we're gonna be needed."

Ha, ha. Forced to use force. A little reduntant aren't they? 12 ships. Okay. Cap-, uh, Commander Milkshake, are you alright. He still doesn't move.
Maybe we should turn the suit back on. Anyway. Open a channel.
Whoever's at Tactical: Open
Rikard: Unidentified vessels, this is the Spidership. First of all, the LICC does not enjoy being threatened. Second of all, before we'd ever even consider handing anyone on this crew over to you we need to know who you are, what authority you have, who you want us to hand over, and what they have done to deserve you wrath.
During the talking, Rikard walks over to Milkshake and turns his suit back on.
Tactical: Channel closed.
Rikard: Better sir?

(the ensign looks at the monitor, his red eye sweeping back and forth)

Oh, no! How did they find me?

Tai: Well, we'd better flip the Furbies morality switches back to Good.

Red: (looking around the bridge) Ummmm, where are the Furbies, anyway?

Right!
With that, Alex springs to the Turbolift, gives the command, and makes his way to the Flight Deck. Once there, he enters his fighter, with new upgrades and faster than ever. Waiting for him in the cockpit is his flight suit, which he puts on.
And now to wait...

"OK, Alex, remember, don't be a show-off. Don't forget how I trounced you in the last sim run by playing dead. And stick with your flight. Banshees 10 through 12 are you lifeline. The four of you have to watch each others backs."

Not to be outdone, the enemy(?) ships open communication again.

"The one we demand is the one called... Enesku."

Milkshake flexes a bit, hesitantly.

Aah, much better, Josh.

Tactical, send a reply. Repeat our inquiries about their demand. Then do a full tactical anaysis on that squad out there, we need to know the odds. Also, someone get Enesku up here.

Engineering, I want warp engines on hot standby, we might need to leave very quickly.

Ops, start working on a confusion tactic, something like a sensor ghost or a holographic threat, something to cover an escape.

Observer looks into space for a moment.

"Well, the powers, the time-traveling, all pretty much vanity. Helping people-"

His voice falters, as if his reason is also.

"I've helped a lot of people. I've..."

He looks very deeply into Artsy's eyes, and that sudden look of vulnerability comes onto him again.

"Arts...you won't hate me for this, will you? I mean, I haven't let anyone die because I refused to help them...they'll get helped...it just may take a little longer. Oh, this was pure selfishness, wasn't it?"

Observer drops his head, self-loathing creating a bitter taste in his mouth.

"And yet, sooner or later I knew my mission here would be finished, and we'd be separated, and I didn't think I could live with myself if I had to leave you. Wow."

Observer almost looks surprised at some inner discovery.

"I thought feeling like this was some dramatic invention. I never thought it could be real."

He shakes his head, smiling ruefully.

"Sound like a bad romantic novel."

Rikard nearly laughs when they mention Enesku's name, but keeps it in and merely grins.
Enesku? I wonder what she's done to cause the scorn of all of these people.

And get Mr. Insane up here too. He knows Enesku probably better than any of us. He may have some insight on the situation.

Um, I'm right here, Josh. At ops. You must have been looking in the wrong direction.

"We all have a score to settle with Enesku, except for the hired thugs, they were hired by people who had a score to settle. In the past, she has lied, cheated, stolen and caused great trouble to us all, and our peoples. If you do not hand her over, we will be forced to use any means necessary to take her."

I remember when I first met Enesku, she was on the run from a couple of warships from two different races. She told me she had caused a small-scale war between the two races. They're probably in that fleet somewhere.

(Enesku comes on to the bridge.)

You called me?

(she sees the person on the viewscreen.)

Hey, it's Du'gril! Hey there!

So, um, what were you calling me up here about?

Milkshake speaks in a very offhand manner

Oh, our friends out there are requesting your immediate transfer. Something about lying, cheating, stealing, great trouble, things like that. Ring a bell?

Sorry Pete. It's just that you haven't spoken since we came back to our dimension. I guess I got caught up in the excitement and tension of this moment.

Welcome back to the bridge Enesku. You realize that if these ships have legitimate authority, we may have to hand you over without a fight. So, start any wars recently?

What? No, not recently.

Recently as in the last five minutes or the last five months?

(Ardluck asked sarcastically. Enesku wasn't his favorite person as he was once accidentally stabbed in the behind by her spear when she wasn't watching where she was going. He still had trouble sitting on planets with rainy climates.)

If they had legitimate authority they wouldn't be demanding we turn her over or else, they would be going through the proper channels to have her legally turned over, or extradited, for trial. The fact that they haven't indicates that they either have no treaties with Earth or they are not interested in dealing with her legally.

I suggest we simplay blow them all up. Mwuahahahahahaha!!!!! Like in the good old times, hehehe!!! Toast them or I'll do it personally!

And btw, we will take over the Spidership now. Computer, shut down life support! You all have two hours to surrender. Been in an airlock recently?

The being at tactical on one of the ships gets impatient and fires a volley of quantum torpedoes at the Spidership.

He remembers that the Furbies' switches were set to evil in the Negative zone.

Excuse me, Mr. Furby, sir.

He reaches over and turns them back to "Good".

Incoming fire, Capt...

(The bridge shakes with impact, and random consoles start exploding.)

Emergency power to shields! Helm, new heading, 181 mark 081 Warp 9 engage!

The ship slides away from the attackers and jumps into high warp. Milkshake leans toward the innocent-looking Enesku.

All right, Enesku, if you can't explain or defend yourself satisfactorily, you'll take a shuttle and leave at the nearest starbase. That's the deal.

I can defend myself well enough. (brandishes spear)

As for explain myself... this was ages ago! My whole life I've spent traveling from place to place... I've often had to pull a few strings in order to escape danger. Remember the time with the Yalians? They had captured me, were attacking you, and as I understand it planned to take over Earth so I turned them all against each other. They fought amongst themselves and so I saved lots of people from certain disaster. I should be a hero!

And ever since I joined the LICC I have never had to do anything like this. These guys fired on us, they must be unstable. If anyone needs to be arrested, it's them.

Rikard glances over at the Furbies.
Don't you guys like us anymore?
He then glances at a monitor.
Looks like they're pursuing. Now, what exactly did you do to them Enesku? What kind of "string-pulling" have you done to cause these people to want to blow us out of space?

Artsy listens to Observer's mini-diatribe with a puzzled expression. She barely notices that he is no longer changing color with his emotions.

Observer almost looks surprised at some inner discovery.

"I thought feeling like this was some dramatic invention. I never thought it could be real."

He shakes his head, smiling ruefully.

"Sound like a bad romantic novel."

At that, Artsy starts to giggle, the yellow of her mirth and relief fighting still with lightening silver. Wiping tears from her face, she swallows the laughter. "I'm glad you're going to stay. And no, I do not hate you. How could I?" Her eyes fill again, dark gray-silver. "I just wish there'd been another way."

They are interrupted by a faint pounding on the door to Observer's quarters. When he calls, "Come," the small alien form of Quito bounces into the room. It is clear from her gleeful sending that she knows at least part of what has happened: that the crisis is over, and Observer is staying.

He bends to scoop her up in his arms, but Quito has already turned her liquid gaze to Artsy, communitcating intense excitment.

"Enesku? What about Enesku?"

Milkshake leans toward the innocent-looking Enesku.

Hahaha! I can believe many things about Enesku, but looking innocent isn't one of them.

Awwwww, man. I drop mom off and start to head back to the Spidermobile when I pass through somekinda temporal anomaly where months seemed like minutes and now I'm really late.

At least I didn't spend all those months trapped with mom.

Now, where is the Spidermobile?

Observer, the stress draining from his face, listens carefully to Quito's excited sendings.

"What a mess." He checks his watch. 0346 hours. "It's the night that never ends. Feels like it's been weeks since we've got back from dinner, not hours. I guess I'll head up to the bridge in case they need help with the situation. I don't want to have to think about my sudden unemployment until I've gotten some sleep." He smiles.

(Robot Redshirt reactivates and stands up from the deck of the bridge)

Oh, dear. I apologize for my behavior in that other dimension.

(pause)

Why do I suddenly have a red glowing nose?

Sensors indicate that we just passed through a Holiday-themed spacial anomoly. Which explains why I'm now dressed like one of Santa's elves and the Spidermobile is being pulled by eight tiny reindeer.

(checks sensors again)

Aside from the cosmetic changes everything seems to be working as usual and it should pass within a day or two at most.

Oh, look, a candy cane!

(the redshirt puts what looks like a candy cane in his mouth, not realizing it's really a phaser. Fortunately for the veiwers at home the camera cuts away just before he hits the trigger)

ZAP!

*thud*

Holiday-themed anomoly, huh? That would explain why my fighter now has the ability to shoot giant exploding candy canes and is now vaguely tree-shaped...

Dear Sirs,

I wish to complain about the obvious Christmas turn this board has taken. The LICC should not be celebrating Christmas. They should be celebrating Kwistanakahdon.

Sincerely,

G. R. Inch (Ret.)

Auld Lang Syne begins to very quietly play over the ship's speakers.

How long did you say this anomaly would last? A few days? Is it affecting the other ships?

G.R. Inch? How did you mail your letter out of the Beta 9 black hole? Even the 31st century post office can't escape the gravitational pull of a black hole.

And who said LICC was celebrating Christmas?

As for Kwistanakahdon since it incorporates elements of Christmas, Hannakah, Kwanzaa, etc., etc., & any other winter celebration, it's entirely possible that the "Holiday-themed spacial anomoly" could be attuned to Kwistanakahdon & not necesarily Christmas. You'll just have to keep watching and see.

Sincerely,
G.R Inch's Creator (Muhahahahaha!)

Yes, sir. It appears the other ships have also passed through the anomoly and have undergone changes.

Man those lights are hot.

Oh, no! I've turned into Frosty, the Snowman!

Can someone turn the thermostat waaaaaaaaay down?

(Ensign Tai has turned into a black and white beagle, dancing on a toy piano, and Redshirtmon has become a small yellow bird)

Tai: This is terrible. I try to communicate with the crew & they just hear 'Woof. Woof.'

Red: ////// ///////// ///

Tai: Watch your language. There are ladies present.

wah-wah, wah-wah-wah, wah-wah

And why is my nose glowing?

Finally found the Spidermobile.

Wait a minute? The identification code is that of the spider, but it's missing it's 8 legs & instead it's being pulled by 8 tiny reindeer???

Any other ship and I would know it's a fake, but with LICC it could just be the Spidermobile.

And it is being chased by attacking ships.

(she heads for the Spidermobile at top speed, not noticing the warning on her speeder's console about a spacial anomoly)

(on the bridge forms a cloaked shadowy form that speaks in a deep baritone, but slightly feminine, voice)

I am the Kwistanakahdon Shadow Of Doubt.

(walks around the bridge addressing all)

Are you certain that that you know who loves you? Are you certain they know how you feel?

(several crewmembers show concern)

Well, show your love by buying a bigger and more expensive present for them than you did last year. For it is only by material gifts that you show how much you truly care.

Random Blueshirted Elf: Captain, we just got a notification that Shadow Senshi was appraoching, but her speeder has disappeared from the sensors.

No possible, probable shadow of doubt!

(at a replicator on the bridge)

Bag of tortillas plus jar of salsa dip, size 3.

(Instead, inside the replicator appears a plate of mincemeat pies)

Um... all right... a chocolate wobble, pistachio and peach milkshake, shaken rather than stirred.

(A glass off eggnog maerialises)

Commander, there seemes to be a problem with the replicators as well.

Well, best thing we can do is ride it out, I guess.

Captain, we're coming up on three nebulas, Dornumberwun, Dornumbertoo & Dornumberthree. These nebulas interfere with long range sensors.

If we were to fire a volley of photon fruitcakes at the pursuing ships and have them detonate ahead of them it should blind their sensors long enough for us to get into one of the nebulas.

The pursuing ships would then have to seperate into smaller groups to check out each nebula. This way we wouldn't have to deal with all twelve ships at once.

Maybe even give us a chance to find someone among them who is willing to talk rather than fight.

(Comes onto the bridge just before Ensign First's comments)

Those fruitcakes are our torpedoes, are they? Oh, dear.

(The redshirt blows up spectacularly, having eaten on of the fruitcakes)

Proceed, Ensign.

Captain, I've got scans on the twelve ships.

On the twelfth ship, there are drummers drumming;
On the eleventh ship, there are pipers piping;
On the tenth ship, there are lords a-leaping;
On the ninth ship, there are ladies dancing;
On the eighth ship, there are maids a-milking;
On the seventh ship, there are swans a-swimming;
On the sixth ship, there are geese a-laying;
On the fifth ship, there are FIVE GOLDEN RINGS;
On the fourth ship, there are calling birds;
On the third ship, there are french hens;
On the second ship, there are turtle doves;
And the first ship appears to have a partridge in a pear tree!

But the question is, which nebula do we head for? Do we pick Dornumberwun, Dornumbertoo, or Dornumberthree?

Pick Dornumberwun!

No! Dornumbertoo!

Go for Dornumberthree!

Take the money!

A word of advice: Don't put apostrophes in the 'E-mail' heading, or the apostrophe and everything after it will be cut off.

I know. I forgot. Oddly enough it read okay in the preview area. It was Let's Make A Deal if you really cared. (American Game Show.)

Muhahahahahaha!

(Meanwhile, on Earth, no one suspects that Mr. Absurdity is posing as Vice-President Absurd, and why should they? He has the same DNA, being a dimensional counterpart, and he acts more or less the same.

Anyway, we find him in the Vice-Presidential Mansion watching the Digimorphing Transrangers Tri-D show by himself, because no one else in the mansion can stand it.)

Pepper, Red, Fry, Slice, Crunch & Spicy: It's Digimorphing Transformation Time! (suddenly the characters fold, de-res & morph into giant, shapechanging robots wearing cowboy hats) This is it DeviMegaAstrita. You're finished!

(the camera angle changes, but instead of of showing DeviMegaAstrita we see Hamburger Patricia)

Tricia: No, you're finished. (turning toward Mr. Absurdity) How you can watch this without having your brain turn into a sludge that drips out your ears, I'll never know. I'm having the sound broadcast outside my blocking field so anyone listening in will think you are still... enjoying this 'excellent educational program'.

Absurdity: It's not as bad as it seems. Besides I can easily concentrate & think on other matters while watching it. What do you have to report?

Tricia: The planned assassination of you has been postponed for a while.

Absurdity: Oh, goody. I wasn't looking forward to that at all.

Tricia: So what have you been doing, besides living in the lap of luxury?

Absurdity: You wound me. I've been proceeding with the plan. Telling senators & representatives of the dangers 'I' saw while the Psuedoscience building was careening through other dimensions. Playing on some Admirals fears of extradimensional invasion. Convincing my political enemies that there is a bigger threat to them than me.

Tricia: Some of my brainwashing has also helped with that.

Absurdity: Now, Tricia. You'll be amply rewarded when the time comes. Already portions of the fleet are being quietly recalled to Earth for the attack on our dimension.

Tricia: Liberation, at last.

I would say any nebula is good enough! Shall we pick one at random, or do 'eeny meeny miney mo' or something?

Dornumbertoo. Let's go.

You've chosen Dornumbertoo. Let's show him what he's won, Carol.

A volley of photon fruitcakes.

(the fruitcakes are launched to a chorus of "We wish you a merry fruitcake!" They detonate ahead of the attacking ships, then the Spidermobile changes course for the Dornumbertoo nebula)

Fruitcakes? They defeated us with fruitcakes? Heads will roll for this!

The Spidership flies into Dornumbertoo. The pilots of a couple of small ships are able to see this, and follow. They don't, however, give directions to any of the other ships.

*singing*

I have a litle driedel,
it's small and made of clay
But I'm not gonna play with it,
cause drediels ••••••• gay

*Redshirt Cartman promptly has a massive Star of David fall on his head crushing him. Jews everywhere rejoice.*

Fruitcake - n. - The densest substance known in all dimensions, even denser than neutronium. Fruitcake has been known to spontaneously collapse into a black hole. Also used as recycled Kwistanakahdon gifts.

Dupree to Banshees 10, 11, and 12, come in! Spidership, can you hear me?
Banshee 10 pilot: Right here!
Banshee 11 pilot: Reporting!
Banshee 12 pilot:
Spidership: Tis is Commander Milkshake, Alex. We can read you loud and clear.
Alex: Good. It would seem that most of my squad followed us through the nebula. Banshee 12 seems to have taken another nebula...either that, or has taken the money and ran...

Banshee 11 is hit, but not destroyed, by one of the pursuing ships.

Golfus (pilot of pursuing ship #1): Hey, stop that! We're trying to get Enesku, not blow up ships randomly!

Ginfus (pilot of pursuing ship #2): You're not the boss of me!

The two ships accelerate, as the Spider and the Banshee ships go through what appears to be a tunnel inside the nebula.

Du'gril calms down a little, and turns to his ops man, a being mostly covered in long greyish-green hair. There are only two stations as such on Du'gril's bridge: The main console at the very front, which covers the entire wall and Du'gril operates, and smaller one at a slight angle behind him, which his ops man sits behind and operates.

Right... what happened there? It looked like they fired *fruitcakes* at us.

"That's right. Fruitcakes are known for their density, and these were fruitcake torpedoes, or photon fruitcakes, or something like that. We seem to have passed through an anomaly which changes everything in accordance with the festival known as Kwistanakahdon."

Oh... I suppose that's why that tree with a bird on it has appeared on our bridge.

He looks out the forward screen.

Where's the Spidership? Are we all accounted for?

"The Spidership must have gone into one of those nebulas. According to the chart, they are known by the names Dornumberwun, Dornumbertoo and Dornumberthree. Golfus and Ginfus are also missing. They might have taken their ships into one of the nebulas also."

That leaves... 9 ships. Right! Three can go into Dornumberwun, three can go into Dornumbertoo, and three can go into Dornumberthree!

"10 ships, including our own."

We'll just fly around out here, waiting for them to come out.

"OK, One Flight form up. We've got a lost pilot. Two Flight, come in?" "Yeah FC?" "Brad, Alex is down a man. Give Three Flight extra cover. Looks like they got incoming. Flight Commander to Hornet Squad, stay with the Spider." The four Banshees at the front of the Spidership, make a sharp turn and glide just inches away from the edge of the ship's shields. They bypass Hornet Squad and Three Flight on the way as they search for Banshee 12.

Milkshake to all fighters: As soon as all pilots and ships are accounted for, draw up in a tight escort formation around the Spider. We're going to sit tight for a while.

Artsy and Observer, with Quito quietly in tow, step onto the bridge just as the Spidership enters Nebula Dornumbertoo.

After being filled in on the current situation, Artsy raises an eyebrow at Enesku. "You have an uncanny knack for getting everyone else into trouble along with you."

The scantily-clad warrior girl glares at her.

Feeling a mental nudge, Artsy cocks her head, then smiles a little. Tired of being cooped up in that shuttle bay? she asks Seeker sympathetically. I'm up for some action if you are.

The return sending, PLEASED, EXCITED, YES, OUT OUT OUT! makes Artsy grin wider. "Quito, you stay here with Observer. I'll be back soon." Then, to Observer, "Don't go anywhere, all right?" Hair, eyes, clothes all a shimmering, excited yellow-orange, the artist heads for the turbolift once more.

(After sitting Quito down at an unused [and safely powered-down] console, Observer quietly speaks to the Commander.)

"Can we escape using the cloaking device?"

Well, sure, but what fun would that be?

Three ships fly into Dornumberwun, three others fly into Dornumberthree, and a further three fly into Dornumbertoo, where the Spidership, its auxiliary craft, and Golfus' and Ginfus' small ships are.

Three more ships have followed us into the nebula, Commander. That makes five in total.

Prepare the Genesis Device!

Just how does one "veiw" something?

And is Ensign Kahn Noonien Singh related to Khan Noonien Singh?

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!

No, it's of course KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!!!!

"Well, if anyone wants my opinion, I say we hand over Enesku to these people. I don't know her very well, but if what I hear is true, she is something of a menace and should be properly punished for it."

This was too much for The Masked Enigma, who shed his generic blueshirt constume.

"Of all the... what are you trying to say here, nobody should have a second chance? Well, take a look where you are. You're with the LICC! Everyone here has come out of a strange background, and I am sure they have all done things they aren't proud of. But people learn by their mistakes. Now Enesku is with us, she never does this sort of thing any more. Is that not enough? And if not, once she apologises to these people, will not that be enough?"

Everyone realised, including himself, that his accent had gone.

Tupper, I think you should spend some time in a clear plastic box to cool down.

So what does Tupper wear?

More to the point - why didn't Callie phone ya?

If you want, I'll ask her:

Hey Callie! How are ya? Where's Ore gone?

Oh hiya, Della! Ya lookin' fer Callie? She ran off wi' Harry's owner - I'll call her right-o! By the way, I owe a couple o' mini-sodas to y'all!

D'ya caught her, yet? Why, homing pigeons are the main method for that!! I like the way my own pigeon, Missy, chews its beak!

Great, but this ol' conversation sure is getting weird-like! I'd better stop before Mr., who can't tuck in his shirt, calls me in an' says "Della, where'd mah pencil vaniash?" and hits me in the back of the head and I - D'OH!

Okay, who's the wise guy that taped the sign that says Phantom Returns over the sign that said Bridge?

Climbs a ladder, removes the sign, slip and dies of a nasty paper cut

The rain in Maine falls plainly on the... no, wait, that's not right...

Grant Lopez, with Banshees 2, 3, and 4 right on his wing, exit Dornumbertoo, and begin broadcasting on all secure Banshee Squad channels, not yet noticing that one of the pursuing vessels is outside. "Banshee 12, report in. Ensign Boscorelli*, where are you? Bosco, are you alright?" "Sir!" Banshee 3 shouted. Enemy vessel at 5 o'clock. And they have Bosco in a tractor beam." "All right flight form up. Try to contact the Spidership. Keep jinking, don't let the enemy get a lock. Arm misiles, and aim for that tractor." The four Banshee pilots were fast, but not faster than the tractor beam operators on the lead ship hunting for Enesku. Within minutes, five of the L.I.C.C.'s top pilots, including Flight Commander Lopez, are prisoners.

* Ten cool points to any one who gets the reference.

Ah don' think ah'm in Kansas no more...

Helm, take us out of the nebula on Banshee Squad's exit vector, full impulse. Once we're clear I want full shields.

Tactical, send a message to Hornet squad, return to base.

I think Ore was gone because Ill annoyed her. I'll check, but I think Arkan saw it.

Didn't Della wear a New Jersey?

No, she died in misery.

Or was that Carol Liner?

But what about that Cassius Clay person? He who used to beat his wife up? Yet we never did see Ali bam her. But he did try to get in Diana's nightclothes.

Sorry, these jokes are getting too awful now. Can Eddie cut these out?

Ill annoy? Arkan saw? Shouldn't that be Ill annoyce and Ark Ansass?

Within minutes, five of the L.I.C.C.'s top pilots, including Flight Commander Lopez, are prisoners.

Meanwhile back on Earth at the Department of Superheroics. "Improve our pilot training program?" Admiral Dumass replied. "Nonsense. Just because the equipment and simulators are provided by the lowest bidder is no reason to assume it's inferior!"

That ain't gonna help me in mah position! I WANT OUTTA HERE!

Hey, y'all... ah reckin she's really stuck in these here dimension!

gets run over by a George Foreman grill which mysteriously materialises over his head

Who is? Della?

Who is Della?

On Du'gril's ship, a hulking security guard of a large-tusked race hauls Lopez and the four other pilots, bound together with arm-ropes, onto the already-cramped bridge.

Good work. Send a message to the Spidership. "We have five of your pilots as our hostages. Hand Enesku over if you expect to see them again." Take them to the cell, bring them up again when I call you.

The security guard nods, and hustles them off the bridge.

Look, all y'all cotton-pickin' boiler-suitin' whatchyamacallits, if y'all don't take me back to mah garden with mah aspidistras, ah'm a-gonna git real annoyed-like, ya got that?

Alex, who for some reason didn't go out on the Banshee finding mission, receives a faint distrss call. He patches it to the Spidership bridge, saying
Sir, It appears that Lopez and his crew have been captured. Permission to go find them?

Hey! You'd better drop me off back at ma house first!

The cloak doesn't work well in nebulae, Observer. Besides, the nebula is providing pretty good cover, not perfect, but adequate, for the moment anyway.

Lt. Tupper, your opinion is noted.

Dupree hails the Spidership.
Dupree: Sir, It appears that Lopez and his crew have been captured. Permission to go find them?
Rikard: Stand by Mr. Dupree. It appears that there's another message attached to it. Turns to the comm officer. Can you play it. The crewmember nods and punches in the appropriate commands.
Message: "We have five of your pilots as our hostages. Hand Enesku over if you expect to see them again."
Rikard: Great. Looks like we may have emerge. Orders Captain?

We could send a biomechanical clone with an implanted big bomb instead of Enesku.

Didn't a random blueshirt reset the Furbies to "Good"?

Lopez paces the cramped cell while the other four pilots tried futiley to rest on their uncomfortable cots. "Why don't they just turn Enesku over? She's ben bad luck ever since she came on board," Ensign Boscorelli groans. Lopez throws an indignant glare at the young pilot. "I don't like her either but she's still a member of the league. We look out for each other." He turns back to look at the door to his cell, tyring vainly to think up an escape plan. "I just hope Brad and Alex don't try anything st*pid. I'd hate for these guys to get seven extra prisoners." "That's awfully pessimistic of you sir," Banshee 2, real name Connor Greene, mutters from his bed. Banshees 3 and 4 (Alec Morello and Lisa McPatrick) were asleep. "It's realism Connor. I have never seen tratcor beams move so fast before. My guess is they had indivdual operators as opposed to being run from the bridge like most ships. I ought to suggest that as an upgrade to the Spidership when we get out of here." Suddenly the cell doors opened, and on a table in the corridor, surrounded by three armed guards, was a very impressive array of food and drinks. The lead guard lowers his weapon and steps forward. "If any of you have any food allergies that you are aware of, it would be wise to inform us now." Bosco chortled. "Being awfully nice to us considering we're being held against our will." "You aren't prisoners. You are 'guests' who are going to stay with us until we have Enesku in a cell. This is not a cell. Consider yourselves lucky that the captain saw fit to use these old emergency guest quarters."

A small reddish, translucent ship darts from one of the Spidership's shuttlebays, doing a few restrained rolls and loops on its way to form up with the rest of the fighter squadron around the ship.

A burst of WILD DELIGHT floods the telepathic levels of this region of space, before a softer sending (Artsy, of course) hushes him. Then she forcefully sends to Dupree. Alex, Seeker and I are at your disposal.

Consider yourselves lucky that the captain saw fit to use these old emergency guest quarters.

I've never heard of an Emergency Guest before. ;-)

Seeker and I are at your disposal

I guess they're there to pick up the garbage. ;-)

A 10-foot tall giant ape thing picks up Della, sets the portable portal generator to her home dimension and shoves her in.

Yes, the Furbies were reset to "Good", but remember that's the Furby definition of "Good", not the Human definition of "Good".

So how does a 10-foot tall giant ape thing become a Lt. on the Spidermobile?

Probably the same as the other Lts. Went to the Academy, got good grades, was assigned to the ship, and rose through the ranks.

Wow.

That was a sure doozy of a trip. Now, where's mah husband?

Ken? KEN?!!! Ken, 's this washin' done yet?

Commander, I just got a telepathic message from Artsy and Seeker out there... they're ready and willing to help.
Alex then opens a channel to Artsy and Seeker, and then both says and thinks
Thanks you two. If the mission is a go, you two are with me. I'm going to need all the help I can get to rescue my fellow pilots.

This complicates things.

Number One, send a message to the remaining Banshees, tell them to get well clear of the ship holding our men.

Enesku, get an emergency transporter armband, put in on, then go to Shuttle Bay 2, get in the Nehru and wait for instructions. Don't worry, we're not giving you up.

Tactical, I need a firing solution that will take down the enemy ship's shields in the quickest amount of time.

Alex, order all Banshees to remain inside the nebula. Fall back to the Spidership's position and stand by. We don't need any other captures by the enemy ships.

Looks back at Milkshake.

Sir, won't they notice that she has the band with her when we beam her over?

Who says we're beaming her over?

Sorry sir, fly her over.

Not if everything goes according to plan. Tactical, how's that solution coming?

You think I'm getting in that shuttle and flying over? As far as tricks to get rid of me go, this one is by far the stupidest. I'm staying right here.

Well, you can either fly to your "friends" and carry out the little plan hopefully developed by Commander Milkshake or you will marry my dear brother and gain total immunity this way. I promise you I'll turn the holodeck into a wedding chapel like you've never seen before. And I will sing!

Furby: And I will sing!

For the love of [INSERT DIETY HERE], NO!!! NOT THAT!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!

Uh, how about we use that as a last resort Furb. A very very last resort.

Come on Enesku. You've gotta trust Commander Milkshake. After all the time on this ship, you still don't trust any of us?

(Shadow Of Doubt reverts to Shadow Senshi as the change from the anomoly goes away)

Oh, wow! I'm back to normal.

Uh, sorry about that Shadow Of Doubt thing. I... I'm not sure what happened there.

Permission to come aboard, sir? Umm, even though I'm... already aboard... and... umm...

You know Enesku & I are about the same size. Maybe the Doctor can make me look like her and I can go over? I can always use my powers to escape.

Or how about me? I am a master of disguise. I could easily disguise myself as Enesku, imitate her voice...

True, but do you have any other abilities besides disguise? My powers should be enough to let me out of any cell or to avoid being killed by their weapons. Especially since they won't be expecting 'Enesku' to have such powers.

Shadow, I think you'd be more effective.

But, the Masked Enigma would be funnier.

Enesku, when this is all over, go and meditate on the weird concept called 'trust' for a while, and think about who deserves it and who doesn't.

Senshi, your plan's a go. Enigma, we'll keep you on hold as a backup.

Okay.

Enigma, I'd appreciate your help in making me look like Enesku.

Enesku, what do you know about... uh, the people who're holding the pilots hostage?

Whew! That anomoly wore off just in time. Alt-Furby was chasing after me with an ice cream scoop and box of flavored syrups.

Dupree to the Spidership, the Banshees are waiting, but chomping at the bit to help rescue their fellow pilots. It seems loyality is a major quality in this group, and since Lopez is their leader and friend, they feel the need to help in the rescue.

Brad Plevyak, head of Two Flight and temporary Flight Commander during the crisis puts a hand on Alex's shoudler. "It's a pilot thing. I figured you'd know that, being one and all. Maybe it's not the case in your home universe, but here there's sort of an unwirtten code that pilots have, and part of that code is you never leave a fellow pilot dangling in the wind. Even enemy pilots get that basic curteousy."

With a blinding flash of light Jadlad is on the bridge of the Spidership wearing his brand new blue and gold costume floating in mid-air.

Pizza Power!

Hi everybody! I'm back from Dimension Z!

Flying around the bridge, he talks to the crew.

Did you miss me? And more importantly, did either Furby or Alt-Furby touch any of my cool stuff in my quarters?

Everybody is looking at him.

What?!

We've brought these 10 accident prone female reporters together to try out as the love interest of a mild-mannered reporter that we've told them is secretly a new superhero.

Well, we lied.

Will true love win out over a desire to be rescued at the drop of a hat? Find out on Joe Superhero!

Excuse me, Mr. Jadlad, Sir.

Did you happen to pass through Dimension X? And if so, did you see my sneakers? I left my sneakers in Dimension X.

Well, I know that they hold grudges for a long time, but then, we all know that.

Du'gril, the one who seems to be leading them... I had to lie about being part of a guild so he could give me money, kind of a sponsorship thing. I needed the money to get away from the planet I was on. I slipped away and kind of didn't mention that I was leaving. That's probably why he's so mad at me.

As for the others... I told you before, I've had to pull a few strings in the past in order to get by. Sometimes if I needed something I couldn't trick whoever had it into giving it to me, so I had to steal it. Sometimes I would play a card game and cheat at it... sometimes it's just an accident, like the time I caused that explosion in a bar on Gammalon 5.

But be so kind to bear in mind I was the victim of circumstances.

Suddenly, Seeker coves under phaser fire... Golfus and Ginfus have caught up with the Spidership in their own small ships!

Make you look like Enesku? That shouldn't be too hard. We just dye your hair to be a sort of dark red, and you wear a leotard covered in silver scales and carry a spear. Oh, and you might need to wear contacts.

Rikard hits the comm button.

Don't worry Mr. Dupree. The LICC is loyal to all of its members and crew. As soon as the plan is ready, we'll get them.

Welcome back Jadlad.

Sees the enemy ships on the screen.
Looks like they found us. I think that we should act- quickly.

Yeah, I did pass through Dimension X. So those sneakers belonged to you? Well, they're still there.

Jadlad goes to Dimension X, gets the sneakers and tosses them at Rod the Clod.

There ya go. Sorry about the mozzarella cheese.

Can I be "nice" to those ships please?

If they want Enesku as a prisoner I doubt that they would let her carry a spear around.

We'd better get started. (Shadow Senshi, The Masked Enigma & Enesku leave the bridge. A screen edit later and The Masked Enigma & a handcuffed Enesku come on the bridge.)

Ya lousy backstabbers! After all I've done for you and you betray me! I didn't do anything wrong! I'm a victim of circumstance!

(pause. looks around the bridge)

Well? Did that sound like Enesku?

Being interviewed on Joe Superhero

Why do I want to hook up with another superhero? Well, since Superbob's apparent death I've had 470 brushes with death, kidnapping, assault...

Yeah, pretty much. Good luck, Shadow.

Alex turns and looks at Plevyak
Yeah, we had the same thing in my dimension. All the squads on my Spidership were loyal to each other, and would have done anything for each other.
Both men look up as the monitor shows the fight.
Well, looks like we have another job to do. Ok people, all those still here, let's go! All Banshees still in the nebula, go out and fight! As soon as we win the day, we'll rescue our fellow pilots and friends! The Banshees never leave one of their own behind!

Alex, hold on! This is Milkshake to all fighters, RETURN to base. Immediately.

Pete, radio the ship holding our pilots, tell them we're handing Enesku over.

Shadow, everything should go all right, get an armband, get in a shuttle, and start heading over, slowly, to the enemy ship with the tractor beams. We'll take care of the rest.

And welcome back, Jad!

Alex to Milkshake, do you need me on the Bridge?
Alex turns to Plevyak again.
If I'm needed on the bridge, you're back in charge of the squads. I my home universe, I took command of the squads on occasion.

Plevyak just stares at him. "Just be glad I'm not Mr. Lopez. He's a firm beleiver in holding to the chain of command. I'm Assistant Flight Commander, remember? I'll let it slide cause you'res till relatively new here, but Grant would have you cleaning Red Squad fighters for a month if you did that on his watch." Plevyak smiles and laughs. "Hey, don't feel bad. Maybe he'll give you my job if you're really, REALLY nice to him."

I'm going down to the fighter bay. You know, just to make sure that none of our fighters prematurely launch. And so we have another ship out there in case the worst happens.

He exits the bridge and enters the turbolift. A few seconds later, the doors open and he walks out into the corridor before arriving at the fighter bay. He walks in to see Dupree and Plevyak.

Greetings gentlemen. Is everything under control down here? We're not sending more ships into battle before ordered, are we?

Seeker jinks out of the line of phaser fire, dipping around beneath the enemy fighters. Purple energy crackles along his translucent reddish hull, warping around him and releasing in a bolt towards one of the fighters. It barely grazes the nose of the the second one, and the fighters have already spun to engage Seeker head-on again.

Milkshake's voice filters through what passes for communication equipment into Seeker's dim organic pilot's chamber.

This is Milkshake to all fighters, RETURN to base. Immediately.

Artsy sighs in frustration. You heard the captain, she reminds Seeker, but his only response is a flash of STUBBORNNESS, leavened with her own FEAR. He spins away from the fighters, but cannot shake them....

Milkshake arranges his small chair-mounted viewscreens and command padds, only his voice betraying a bit of anxiety.

All right, let's get everything sorted before we start this thing. First of all, Pete, take over Tactical from Lt. Cansado. I need your steady hand on the guns.

Milkshake to the flight deck. All pilots remain in your fighters, prepare for hot launch. We might be back in combat very quickly.

Milkshake to Shadow, are you in the shuttle?

"Affirmative."

All right. All transporters on standby. Pete, get that firing solution ready. On my order, get the captor ship's shields down as soon as you can, and signal the fighters to launch and head for the two enemies directly aft. We're going for a quick snatch-and-run here. And open a channel to the captor ship.

"This is Spidermobile. We're sending Enesku over now, and we apologize for the misunderstanding."

Ginfus' fighter fires a blast of energy at Seeker, and moves in to pursue. Seeker is now quite far from the Spidership. Golfus, in his fighter, pursues Ginfus, and does not fire at anyone. He does, however, open a channel to Ginfus.

"Right, this is the last time I take you anywhere. This is a mission of vengeance, not a hunting trip!"

There is no reply from Ginfus, who is not paying attention to Golfus and just wants to have fun.

Du'gril receives Milkshake's transmission.

A strange change of heart. But perhaps he merely had a mutiny on his hands. I know too well how hard it can be to control one's tactical officers.

He turns to his ops man.

Prepare to receive a prisoner. But do not release our hostages until she arrives.

To Plevyak
Sorry about that... I guess I just lost my head for a moment in all the excitment.
Turning to Rikard
Don't worry... we'll wait until we get our orders. I guess it's just a case of premature launching.

*snicker*

Goldie: "Hello Redshirt."

Redshirt: "My Goldfish from third grade!"

Goldie: "That's right. You killed me, so I think you should commit suicide."

Redshirt: "Sounds like a plan"
Targets a phaser at his head, turns it up to level 8, fires

Goldie: "That was too easy."

Riiiiiiiight.

Bah! Amatuer. I fought Captain Action and he could become any number of superheroes. You kept being defeated by a British bohemian git.

The White Zone is for docking and departing only. Do not dock or depart in the Red Zone. Thank you.