-o= Oh, thank goodness it's today! Yesterday it was 19/03 & I couldn't get on the internet because the internet didn't exist in 1903.
I am looking forward to tomorrow though. Who knows what the internet will be like in 2103?
You think you have problems? We're going to catch up with LICC time before long!
Suddenly, and for no particular reason, a herd of cows rush by, half with ducks on their heads, and half with penguins. They are being herded by a group of ten-foot tall giant-ape things.
Phantom Librarian: Hmm.. they're a little late today...
John Lithgow will star in a sitcom based on the works of Robert A. Heinlien to be titled, Third Grok From The Sun.
It's back!
Chew! chewing gum. Now in NEW biscuit flavor!
The stick of gum endorsed by Liv Tyler and Ike Turner that's so satisfying, Irish rock giants U2 famously sang about it:
"Ike and Liv wither without Chew!"
We return now to more inane hilarities with America's favorite odd couple - "Slobodan and Whitney"!
Michael Jackson is upset about the taped interview he gave. He claims the film was edited to make him look like a freak.
A man was spotted running through a Washington, DC, suburb waving an orange light. When asked why he was doing this he said, "This will keep the gorillas away!" When it was explained to him that there were no gorillas in that suburb, he replied, "See! It's working!"
A new reality show was pitched to the networks today. A camera crew follows real people around doing everyday ordinary things. The networks rejected it as being too unrealistic.
Happy Singlehood Awareness Day!!!
Time to pig out on chocolate & stab pins into dolls representing everyone who didn't ask you out.
Oh, no!!! Nobody has posted on the LICC storyboard for 13 days!!! The end of the world is near!!! AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa...!!!
*runs and falls off the edge of the board*
Looking over the edge
Too bad he was wearing a red shirt...
Perhaps one of the elephants that holds up the board will catch him?
BREAKING NEWS!!!
With the ever increasing length of each Harry Potter novel a source at J.K. Rowling's publisher has confided to Ain't It Fool News that if book 6 is as long as they estimate it to be they will have to realease Harry Potter 6 in two parts.
"Of course Marketing loves the idea." confided our source, who asked to remain unidentified. "They figure that we can release Harry Potter 6, Part 1 before Summer and Harry Potter 6, Part 2 in time for Christmas shopping."
When asked about estimates for Book 7, our source replied, "Well, we could reduce the typeface to make the estimated word count fit into two books, but Marketing is really hoping to sell it as the Harry Potter, Book 7 Trilogy."
Youse gonna post on-a dese boards, or youse gonna fuggedabouddit? Huh?
Shouldn't you be over on DDDD&S?
Anything good on tonight?
Well, there is the LICC4: Behind The Scenes Special. Interviews with the new cast members, looks at the refurbished sets & redesigned costumes, clips from the premiere episode...
Anything that hasn't already been shown on ET or in fan magazines?
Not really.
Well, that was yet another example of a cheap and lazy attempt at a crossover.
Jaeysus, 'tis a shame to be sure they couldna think of a decent pun, too.
My preciousssss....
ADRIAAAAAAANN!!!!
Yes! How dare those DDDDS people try to crossover here! Hmph!
What I'm most looking forward to in LICC 4 are the special guest stars. I've been waiting for these people to return ever since they first appeared on the original LICC. Shame they never made their planned LICC 2 appearance though.
I buy a ticket to a Great White concert and they stop playing after one song. What a rip-off! I want my money back!
I have an evil plan.
Let's create an evil theme park!
Or would an EEEEEEEEEVIL theme park be better?
MurrayLand?
*hic* Yesh! Malt MurrayLand, the Hopsiest plashe on Earth! *hic*
We'll break it up into sections, PilsnerLand, Aleyard, StoutWorld... *hic* We'll have people in Pink Elephant costumes conducting toursss... *hic*
We'll be head and glasses above the rest... *hic*
Is it a particularly EEEEEVILLL pink elephant?
MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!
I'd say the elephant is worth at least One MILLION Dollars!
-o=
Amateurs. Pathetic bloody amateurs, the lot of you.
New! From the makers of SnakeEye Fish Balls™, comes our brand NEW product from SmutCo:
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Product available only to consenting adults aged 21 or over. Your actual mileage may vary.
Dear Sir,
I object strongly to that last commercial break. It was crude, offensive, and to publicly display such a vulgar name to outsiders is simply shameful. The advertising executives will burn in Hell for this, they will!
Yours etc.
The Countess Tickles van Karpitmüncher (Mrs)
Help Wanted
Producers looking for 1 man and 20 women for Fox Reality Show, Joe Millionaire II.
Applicants must be good-looking and too dumb to spell IQ.
Auditions at:
4747 No Dignity St.
Hollywood, CA 90068
Your days of eatin' "SnakeEye Finger Bangers!™", in your pretty pink panties, are OVER!
Oh, drat!
Please don't eat the animals that these Evil Companies put out! We make MUCH better food!
I would like to thank you for your support of my ruthless regime, upholding my inalienable right to go back on agreements I made with the UN, and saying it's okay for me to keep working on weapons of mass destruction.
You like me! You really like me!
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be there,
Bomb Iraq
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.
If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,bomb Iraq.
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq. Bomb Iraq.
Bomb Iraq.
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. As you can well imagine, these highly classified positions are extremely hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before an operative can even be considered for such a position.
After sending hundreds of applicants through the testing, training and background checks, they had narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA special agents administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The applicant got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well", said the tester, "You're definitely not the right man for this job!"
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second applicant. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked more than a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to do it, but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No", the CIA man replied, "You just don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
So they're left with the woman to test. She's lead to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," she is told. "This is your final test. Inside, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard shots fired. One shot after another, 13 rounds in all. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!"
"I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
The Ring will not save Gondor!
Yeah, it probably won't even win an Oscar!
Woo-hoo! We're ahead of LICC! We're ahead of LICC!
*whisper whisper whisper*
LICC4? Aw, nuts...
One Oscar® to rule them all!
Yes we're ahead of LICC4... for now. But only by 30 boards!!!
It's not enough I tell you! We must keep posting!
When LICC started we were at board 20. They passed us when we reached board 25.
When Phantom Returns was restarted we were ahead of LICC3, but again they passed us.
Now we're ahead of LICC4, but we have to work hard to keep that lead! They're Posting Fiends™, they are!
Post like you've never posted before! Even if it doesn't make sense!!!
"Pawn to Queen 4."
"You sunk my Battleship!"
Post! Post! Post! Post!
Is it a particularly EEEEEVILLL battleship?
MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaahhhh forget about it!
Hey, doorstop! I'm da one what sank dat battleship! Why is you assumin' dat it was de EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLLLL one?
Captures the Evil Pawn
Bishop takes Pawn!
Oi! You come back 'ere wiv that porn, Bishop!
I think we're all in agreeance that that Bishop should go away as soon as possible.
Your bishop is exposed.
I'll bet you weren't expecting to deal with me, Bishop! Muhahahaha!
...29 boards behind us.
(cracks whip)
Faster! Faster!
The Dead Body lands on Queen 4
Steed and Mrs. Peel take the Champagne
Hides weapons of mass destruction under Rook which has already been searched.
Player A: Hah! I've taken your Knight.
Player B: takes off shirt, makes move Haha! I've taken your Castle!
Player A: takes off pants I think this Strip Chess would be more fun if we were playing against women.
Player B: I think it would be more fun if we weren't playing in Central Park during winter.
(Pops out of nowhere, persues Schizo with a oversized turkey baster filled with lithium.)
Wahahahaha!
Schizo better hope that Mad Psychologist isn't a Freudian.
I don't know about the Mad Psychologist, but I ain't a Freudian of nobody!
I think, therefore I have nothing in common with the rest of you.
This is absurd.
(Sticks his head out of a hatch in mid-air)
No, I'm Absurd.
(Ducks back in and closes the hatch)
I wonder if the Mad Psychologist is Jung or old...
If he's Jung, he should see a child psychologist like Dr. Spawnk!
Like, whoa, Psychologist dude. Like if you, you know, count to ten before getting mad maybe you won't go around sticking turkey basters into people, you know? I mean ease on down, cool up, hover out and flow with the go. Make peace and love on. Wowwwwwwww....
Man, why isn't anyone into claymation these days?
Note: Claymation is actually a Trademarked term and should not be used as a generic term for animation done with clay.
Exactly. Now, where's Gromit got to with my cheese?
I don't know.
THIRD BASE!
Who?
Well, considering that most of their founding members are dead and they haven't released a new album in someting like 20 years, I don't think they're really that valid of a force in the music business.
I thought Who's on first.
No, no... Who's Next!
Then Indonesia claimed that they
Were gonna get one anyday.
South Africa wants two .. that's right!
One for the black and one for the white!
I am ze politically correct Ze Freedom Knight. Ready to launch camels at Saddam Hussein when ze order to attack Iraq eez given.
Fetchez le dromedary!
This will be the Mother of All Rings to rule them all!
...28 boards behind us.
The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Head for the hills!!!
BOOOOOM!
Give me an Oscar or I'll tear your face/off!
Peace, what does it mean to me?
It means a chance to relax and leisurly develop weapons of mass destruction, so I can more easily conquer my neighbors.
It means giving my cannon fodder, I mean, people a chance to bask in my glory and raise more cannon fodder, I mean, children.
Most of all it means letting me do whatever the hell I want in my country without interference.
And I would just like to thank Michael Moore for his kind comments in his speech. More power to you, dude. Fight that fictional president.
BTW congratulations on winning the Oscar.
You know, it vasn't Germany zat attacked Pearl Harbor. It vas za Japanese! But ven your country declared war, zey declared it against poor, old innozent Germany! Ve who had done nuzzing against ze USA, vere simply minding our own business ven you illegally declared war on us. Where vere ze peace protestors zen? And do you know why war vas declared? To get German oil! Ya! Zey don't list zat in your history books, do zey? I vish you peace protestors had been around in 1941. You could have worked so hard to prevent zat illegal war against me. Zat vould have changed ze world!
Saddam and Ghost, it was inappropriate when Moore did it at the Oscars, and it's inappropriate here.
Then where is it appropriate? Scott, we live in a country that allows free speech. Let those who want to use that privilege do as they see fit.
And c'mon! It's Phantom Returns! Almost nothing is inappropriate here!
How about PM?
Oh, and yes, we live in a country that allows free speech. Yet, there is a place for everything. There's a reason Michael Moore was booed off the stage. It was the wrong place for his screed.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled silliness.
No we don't!
Yes we do!
No we don't!
Yes we do!
Look, this isn't an argument!
Yes it is!
We stand together as creators of non-fiction, here in these fictitious times, where a fictional President can fly a military aircraft and take down alien spacecraft; handle a hostage crisis aboard Air Force One almost single-handedly; and even pretend to be black when talking to Kiefer Sutherland. Shame on you, drama writers! SHAME! ON! YOU!
Well I'm glad I wasn't mentioned in that speech.
And any time you got John Travolta and Emma Thompson cast by you writers, your time is up! Thank you... very much!
Booo!
Eek! You frightened me and I nearly peed my underwear! Please don't hide behind the curtain again!
This looks like another job for.... Dave Adventure!
Would you like to buy a banner ad?
Curse you again, Dave Adventure! I'll get you and your capitalist ventures some day!
NEW! From the makers of multi-Academy Award winner "Dave Adventure! Rides Again" comes this exciting and original new production from Old Rope Cinema!
It is a cold world.
Cold people are ruling our lives through fear, intimidation, and pain.
But only one man can stand up to the evil masterminds who plan to rule the world.
One man can break the chain and begin the cycle of freedom for our people.
One man can do all this... and still look good!
Yes! Dave Adventure is back! And this time, it's clichéd!
Dave Adventure must fend off once again the dastardly Dr. Rickalan and his psychotic assassins Ke'Spac and Ja'Sac as they chase him on his mighty quest... to look for the mysterious Mack Guffin, the lost shaman who can unite the free and democratic people of the world (hopefully with minimal collateral damage), in:
"Dave Adventure in: The Spy Who [CENSORED] Me"
Old Rope Cinema presents
in association with Challenger Pictures
A Psychotic Foetus Studios production
A Stephen Soderspiel film
Nuck Chorris is Dave Adventure
in
"Dave Adventure in: The Spy Who [CENSORED] Me"
With Shawn Connolly as 'Dr. Rickalan'
Featuring any of the Baldwins as 'Ke'Spac' and 'Ja'Sac'
and introducing Sally Michelle Jailbait as 'Cherry Muffin'
Also starring:
J.Lo, B.Aff, I.McK, B.King, P.Stew, C.Ze-Jo
Costumes by Bondage! of New York
Music by John Williams (not the guitar person)
Edited by: Colin "Snipper" Harris, A.C.E. Cameraman Director of Photography: Janus kmanishki Caminschkee Kamsniki oh him who did "Saving Private Ryan"
Executive Producer: Peter Jackson for some reason or the other
Based on the book by Michael Kryten
Screenplay by Matt Damon and not Ben Affleck (so there)
Produced by George Clooney, Michael Douglas, Danny DeVito, and another actor who would rather be starring in the film
Directed by Stephen Soderspiel
This film is rated NC-17 by the Motion Picture Association of America and contains scenes of indescribable violence, explicit sex, actual drug-taking, primal and strong language, and other scenes that will disturb everyone who sees it. Hey, we're letting it off lightly.
I've seen it. It's rubbish.
It stinks!
Hey, Sheman! You wanna star in my next porno?
Sheman, eh? Heh-heh-heh-heh-he-heh-h-e-heh!
Once we win the war in Iraq, we will take over the oil fields and use them for our own purposes, enslave the Iraqi people, and use the country as a launchpad for the invasion of the Holy Lands and eventually the rest of the world!
For I am Tommy Franks, mastermind of the Franks Conspiracy! All shall bow before me and despair!!!
Oh no, it's them again.
I used bad language all the time until that spy censored me.
Please, no more porno jokes.
Don't worry - I'm sure the spy will censor the board as well...
Dear Sir,
I object strongly to the sudden censorship turn this board has taken. Why can't we simply let our hair down, not to mention our underwear, and just [the rest of this letter has been CENSORED by the Spy!]
Dear Mr. Soderspiel,
I object strongly to the obviously intentional use of our names, heavily disguised as they may be, for some of the characters in the forthcoming Dave Adventure movie. As honorary patron of the ARSOHV, I am deeply saddened at this turn of events, as are my colleagues Kevin and Jason. If you do not cease and desist we will be forced to take all necessary means to prevent your movie from being released.
Do we expect you to balk? No, Mr. Soderspiel, we expect you to reply!
Yours etc.
Alan Rickman
Honorary Patron
The Alan Rickman School of Hollywood Villainy
He was a Skull
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
He was so bad
She was too nice
All sugar fluff and spice
He wanted her dead
She did as well
But secretly she fancied him like hell
But all of her friends
Warned of his goals
They said he just wanted to rule the world
He was an EEEEEVILLL Skull
Hideous demonic Skull
He wasn't good enough for her
She had a pretty face
But her head was up in space
She needed to come back down to Earth
Five years from now
She sits at home
Feeding the baby, she's all alone
She turns on TV
Guess who she sees
EEEEEVILLL Skull, hideous as can be
She calls up her friends
They already see
And they're all off to see his big rally
She tags along
And stands in the crowd
Looks up at the Skull that she turned down
He was an EEEEEVILLL Skull
Hideous demonic Skull
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a dictator
Goody-two-shoes hater
Does your pretty face see what he's worth
(repeat)
Sorry girl but you missed out
Well tough luck, that Skull's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that she couldn't see
The doorstop that skull could be
There is more than meets the eye
I see the EEEEEVILLL that's inside
He's just a Skull
And I'm just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
We are in love
Haven't you heard
He's the greatest doorstop in all the world.
I met an EEEEEVILLL Skull
Hideous demonic Skull
I'll be your Skull slave for all time
I'll be at a studio
Singing the song I wrote
About a Skull that now is Mine!
(repeat)
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The plastic surgery was a complete success Mr. Huss..., I mean, Jones. No one will recognize you when you return to Iraq after democracy has been established and run for president.
Juuniorrr? Ish that youu?
Oh, all right, Trebek. I'll play your game. I'll take "The rapists" for $100!
Not so fast, you mangy Scots git! I'm not finished with you YET!
Look out, Dave Adventure! The Doc's got a gun in his hand!
Ooooooh, Monsieur Adventurrrre, what a big, big gun you've got... can I hold it?
...27 boards behind us.
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Let's just close this board now, shall we?
No, I don't want to! And if you try to, I'll hold my breath until my face turns blue.
Excellent. I've always wanted to see what a blue baby looks like. I'm going to anyway.