LAST TIME ON LICC...

Mystery...intrigue...skulking around!

A odd and possibly strange man has appeared on the Spidermobile and has offered toys! Loot! Sensors! All for jumping through a few hoops, rather Qsian like. Meanwhile, our heroes are standing around an alien city looking for a book that changes colors, inside a castle! Will they meet King Arthur? Fight Sir Launcelot? Well, not bloody likely, it's an alien city! They might have Round Table Pizza, so stay tuned, loyal viewers!

Dnar'af said it would be in the castle library. If we don't happen upon it there, we know where to look.

Milkshake glances again at the nearly-complete team still behind him.

Come on, people, break up. We look like a cadet review. Behind the castle, 30 minutes. Let's go.

I guess asking about nuclear wessles is out of the question, right?
Butrfli, Alex, follow me.
The three walk confidently into the forest and begin heading behind the castle.

Meanwhile, the R.O.U.S. are watching Butrfli, Alex, and Jackson; waiting for their chance to attack.

Jadlad is the first to reach the back of the castle and crouches in the bushes while waiting for the others. While he waits, he overhears two gaurds having a conversation.

Gaurd #1: Demon's light, have you seen the new volumes that Nikaren added to the library?

Gaurd #2: No. I haven't been in there since they started "improving" the "Gentlemen's Interest" section.

Gaurd #1: Hmph. But I say, though, there's something not right about those books.

Gaurd #2: How do you mean?

Gaurd #1: I'm not sure... But Nikaren's been acting so oddly around them, something must be brewing. He's been casting as many spells around the library as he possibly can; something about protecting the new books from being taken. I think he said that he'd have the final spells complete by morning.

Gaurd #2: If he's so protective of these books, why are they going in the library?

Gaurd #1: I do not know. The entire occasion is so very strange, I cannot think what to make of it...

Gaurd #2: Hmmmmm...

Gaurd #1: But speaking of the "Gentlemen's Interest" section, I believe they just added a new volume of "Shram's Stories."

Gaurd #2: Well, that would be a most welcome addittion, if it's true. Might be worth a visit, I'd say...

And the rest of the conversation was pretty boring.

A R.O.U.S. attacks Jadlad, going for his throat!

Jadlad acts instinctively, rolling onto his back and bringing his arms to his chest. The R.O.U.S. falls on top of his chest, and, continuing his motion, Jadlad manages to pry the R.O.U.S. off him and fling him onto a nearby rock. Upon hitting the rock, the R.O.U.S decides against any further continuation of the hostilities, and falls unconscious. After making sure the threat is over, Jadlad looks back to the gaurds, trying to see if they noticed the fracas. However, they seem too engrossed in their discussion of "Shram's Stories" to have noticed anything out of the ordinary.

Jackson and company arrive, running as quietly as they can towards Jadlad.
Jackson: Are you alright?
Just then, another R.O.U.S. lunges at our heroes. Jackson pulls out a weapon, attaches a silencer, and fires. A quiet bolt of phaser fire strikes the creature, causing it to fall to the ground in mid leap.
Jackson: I wonder how these things taste...

Well, maybe you can taste them later. Where's everyone else?

(Silent footfalls are creeping throughout the castle, which is quiet with the onset of night in the land. One chamber after another has turned up little of interest, until...at the end of another seemingly dead-end hallway, an overly thick tapestry at the end betrays a secret portal. Drawing aside the heavy woven cloth, Morgan marvels at what he sees beyond.)

"It's beautiful." he whispers.

(A marvellous chamber, the walls of which seem entirely made out of some sort of marble-like stone, veined and richly adorned in a riot of colors, with a deep rose-burgundy predominating. The walls seem to flow inward as they draw towards the top of the room, giving the effect of standing inside a giant closed rosebud. Graceful sculptures erupt from the marble walls and hangings which seem to be comprised of the same stone material, but impossibly thin, cover certain sections of the room. And resting on a pedestal in the very center of the chamber, lit from overhead by some unnatural light at the very top of the bud, is something that perplexes Morgan to no end.

A very familiar crystal ring.)

Artsy trails into the forest just behind Enesku, who seems to still be waiting for an answer to her question: "Are you human, anyway? You're from another dimension, are you from that dimension's Earth?"

The artist shakes her head emphatically. "Not human, no. I may look like you, but ask the Holodoc about it sometime." She gazes up into the foliage above, still walking. "And my planet isn't called Earth--we call it Ryli." Artsy frowns, absentmindedly rubbing her right forefinger, then tilts her head to get another angle on the trees, trips, and stumbles.

She freezes there on hands and knees, staring at the darkly cream bracken on the forest floor. Enesku keeps walking, then realizes she is alone and turns to look for the artist.

Slowly Artsy sits back on her heels, one hand cupping a fragile featherlike flower, whose petals shimmer from gold to purple to red and back to gold. Artsy herself has faded to a puzzled grayish-blue. "This looks like brushflame," she says in quiet astonishment.

Rikard follows Insane as they make their way to the castle. Unfortunately, the commander had momentarily lost sight of his companion and the darkness of the forest wasn't helping. Unfortunately, he does not see a low hanging tree branch inconveniently placed in his desired path. His forehead smacks into the branch, knocking Rikard onto his back.

^ow

Looks at the time on the first two posts

Oh, dear.

(Examining the 'space' around the pedestal, Morgan nodded as his suspicions were confirmed. There was a spell there, alright. With it in place, he couldn't make a closer inspection. But should he...)

Jackson notices Rikard as he lays on the ground and helps him up.
Watch out for the low ones... they can get you every time.
Are we the only ones here? I could whip up a snack of R.O.U.S...

Suddenly there is a popping sound and a burst of flame shoots up near Jackson.

Am I finally over authorius jurydutyitis?

BitmapDoc: Yes. You can now return to work. Do you wish to be known by your superhero name?

My what?

BitmapDoc: Oh, don't you remember? After being medicated you went around the ship calling yourself, Ms. Obvious.

Oh, no. I didn't.

BitmapDoc: You did.

(she slumps onto a hospital bed) Oh, no!

You think maybe the crew will understand that I wasn't myself and...

(the BitmapDoc shakes his head back and forth on the computer monitor)

Are you sure I'm well enough to return to work?

Shortly after Mr. Dupree is nearly singed by an errant blast of flame erupting from the forest floor, an odd sort of fellow drops down from the trees nearby. He is covered head-to-toe in thick fur garments, dominated by a huge hooded coat. The man's apparel is rather strange for the decidedly non-polar enviroment the heroes inhabit. From a tanned and leathery face, two devilish eyes and a sideways grin regard our heroes with interest.

"Why, hello there. Please, forgive my little flame trap. I had hoped to catch one of the Giant Juaba Rats for dinner, but I had no intention to include two strange persons on the menu."

Whoa! That was close! Good thing this isn't a swamp, or I'd be worried about lightning sand. Anyway, we need to get this done, quick...

Jadlad summarizes what he heard the gaurds talking about

I think we should do the old "create a diversion, sneak someone in the back" trick. Whaddaya say?

If you had a wheelbarrow, then you'd really have something.

Rikard answers the Mighty Quinn.

Hi there. We're planning to storm the castle.

Quinn: Really?

Rikard: Nah, I'm just messing with ya.

I can help you storm the castle by doing a rain dance.

*he begins dancing, but unfortunately he gets too near one of the holes where the flame shoots out of and is barbecued*

(a small space pod drops out of warp near the Spidermobile and scans it. The inside of the pod is much bigger than the outside because it is dimensionally transcendental. Inside two people discuss the results of the scan)

Looks like a do-it-yourself spaceship from a junkyard planet.

Seff: Yes, but look at the range of obsolete tech. Several of these things could fetch a high price from collectors.

Well, then by all means let's make contact.

(on the Spidermobile main monitor appears the image of an eccentrically dressed and friendly looking alien)

Well, howdy folks, I'm Trader Xoe. I deal in used & obsolete, but working, items & I was wondering if you all would be willing to buy, sell, or trade.

Fer instance I can give you a good deal on those Furby toys the gal in the bikini is holding.

What say I come aboard and we discuss it?

"If you're going to do anything around that castle, I would advise caution. It is owned by the Curiosities Guild, and specifically it's leader, Nikaren. There are many treasures in that edifice, but it is all protected by powerful magics. And the two of you don't look like you have even reached the third rank yet."

Ah, don't worry yet. We're masters of deception. We may look like we don't have any magical ability but we should have that area pretty well covered. Glances in Butrfli's direction.

Besides, we have her brains points to Butrfli, their strength Points to the Tacomen and my steel. What could possibly go wrong?

And where the heck is everyone else?

But you still don't have a wheelbarrow!

Oh, so I contribute nothing to this operation? Geez...

Sorry Jad, I'm still a little groggy from that tree limb. You wouldn't happen to have the talent to shapeshift into a wheelbarrow, would you?

Artsy continues to stare at the flower. "I thought there were none left," she says quietly. "No one like me; nothing like you. Not for hundreds of years. Not at the colonies, and not even here on homeworld."

Something about that thought tweaks the artist's mind and she looks around at the forest, noting vaguely that Enesku has kept walking. This isn't Ryli, it can't be, but brushflame would grow nowhere else. Her eyes slide back to the flower, still slowly changing colors, and after a moment Artsy's own color begins to shift as well--first in sync with the brushflame, then in a delicate unconscious counterpoint....

(And, nearly a mile away, Morgan suddenly experiences a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. A sensation with strong overtones of loss of control, and his eyes dart here and there, looking for some present menace or danger overlooked. But then he realizes the danger lies not with him, but with someone he shares a very close bond...)

BitmapDoc appears on an ancient bridge CGA monitor.

To whoever is in command right now: Several of the captured supermodels in the brig are pregnant. And I think I know who's the lucky daddy.

He points at the Furby when the monitor changes into an ASCII terminal and the Doc switches to text mode.

I'd say they are faster than a Q when it comes to procreation. I always thought there would a soldering iron and some glue be involved but I was obviously wrong.

ASCII-ArtDoc shakes his head.

In two hours we need a nursery station. And I really don't want to know how the babies (babys???) will look and what species they are. That will be alot of alimonies for you!

ASCII-ArtDoc vanishes shortly before the terminal becomes a radar screen from ca. 1950.

Adon shoots a discusted look at the Furbies.

Terrific. I wonder if we can trade the Furbies for something that isn't downgrading itself.

Adon waves his hand in a "shut up" motion towards the Furbies before they can reply, and sits down in the Captain's Chair.

I guess I'm in charge of this mess, since just about everyone else is gone. Lets see what they have. They might just have something usefull. Open a channel to that ship.

My name is Commander Adon of the LICC. You can land your ship in our main hanger bay. We'll be waiting to greet you.

Adon closed the channel, and picked up a cell phone sitting on the arm of the chair and dials a number.

Security, this is the Bridge. I want a security team at the main hanger. Also, post guards in all vital spaces. We're too be having guests aboard, and I don't want to take any chances, all things considered.

Adon hung up the phone and walked towards the elevator.

I'll be with this Trader Xoe, if anyone needs me.

Behind Enesku, who is still walking through the forest, something begins to change.

Small tendrils of color seep along the moss and bracken. Individual leaves alter their shade, tiny portions of some ungraspable design....

the lionoid sleeps tonight... a-wimawah, a-wimawah, a-wimawah...

(still in Sickbay Duella makes a startling discovery)

These aren't the captured Supermodels! They're Fembots designed to look like Supermodels! But they are carrying Furby spawn. Eeeeew yuck!

Well, if they're anything like the last Fembots LICC encountered* we should keep our distance in case they explode.

* One of the Phantom Return boards, maybe XIX or XX

(in her quarters Carol makes a startling discovery)

Oh, no! My big gun has turned into a musket!

Boo hoo! *sob*

(after the channel is closed)

The Lick? What kind of group calls themselves the Lick?

Seff: Maybe it means something different to them?

(the ship lands in the docking bay, next to the Lucy In the Sky which currently looks like a 20th century Winnebago.)

Seff: Well, I'm ready to go.

Now wait just a sixty! What if these yahoos get greedy and try to grab me and break into the ship?

Seff: The computer will monitor us and shift us back aboard. Don't worry so much. You've got deals to make.

(she pushed Xoe toward the opening)

Xoe: I think you're forgetting who the captain of this operation is.

Seff: I think you're forgetting you don't know how to fix any of this, sir.

Just so long as you know who's boss. (Xoe exits the ship and walks up to the first person he sees) Howdy, Commander Adon. Pleased ta meet ya. I'm Trader Xoe.

Ensign Speaking Part: Uh, hello. I'm just a security officer. Commander Adon hasn't arrived just yet.

Oh, (to Seff) Either they all look alike or they really need to upgrade their communication system.

It's definitly a good thing that my magic wasn't affected by the obselence wave...
Butrfli looks down at her staff, which seems to have become a large wand with a star at the end.
I guess I spoke to soon...Hold on...
Butrfli begins to chant a simple inventory spell, and for several seconds she glows.
It looks like all my magic is still there. I can even conjure up a wheelbarrow if you want.

(The furs-clad man abruptly stares up into the forest canopy overhead.)

"Something is changed. The trees are frightened. They say something unknown is happening to their color and form. Not that there's much that is known to trees, but this still is disturbing."

Rikard pulls a small old-fashioned Mag-Lite out of one of his pockets. He makes sure that he's out of sight of the castle's guards before turning it on.
Not exactly Department issued, but it'll work.

He shines it on a nearby tree. It appears normal. He walks a little ways into the forest and shines the small light on another tree trunk. A little ways further he tries again. This time, the colors of the tree appear to be subtly fluctuating and changing.
What in the world is-?

He hears a noise and quickly turns the light off. A few seconds later, he hears more sounds. Someone is coming. He hides behind the trunk and waits. As they walk by, he recognizes the individual and turns the light back on.
Enesku. You made it. Wasn't Artsy with you?

She was, but she seems to have wandered off.

At the rendezvous site, a lone Milkshake stares at the changing colors in the trees above.

Fairly strange. Natural, or...Milkshake to Rikard. Number One, come in.

Milkshake taps his wrist-mounted subspace radio, a Sony Global of a very early design.

Number One? Dang piece of kludge.

He switches the function indicator from subspace to normal radio, and dials the backup frequency.

Number One, come in.

Rikard here.

Milkshake tells him that he's alone at the rendevous point and asks for a status report.
Alone? Which rendevous point are at sir? When I left Jackson, Alex, Butrfli, and Jadlad were waiting with some stranger named, um, well, I don't think he gave us his name. I'm guessing that Obsy is still scouting the castle. I'm in the forest with Enesku but I lost Insane. I have no idea where in the world he is. Nor Artsy but it's possible that whatever's happening to the colors of the forest have something to do with her. You want me to find her Cap?

Yes, soon as possible, and find Insane if you can. When you do, I want all of you on in the little clearing near the castle opposite the townward side. And keep me informed. If Artsy is causing this, she may need medical help.

The doors to the hanger bay open, and Adon enters.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, but we've been experiencing some technical difficulties around here. I'm Commander Adon, welcome to the Spidership.

If you don't mind, we will proceed to the conference room to discuss any trades.

Rikard - You want me to find her Cap?

I didn't realize Enesku was wearing a cap.

And wouldn't it be more important to find Enesku rather than her cap?

Meanwhile a cute, little, big-eyed, cuddly looking Squp* comes up to Enesku with her cap in it's mouth.

* Sorta of a cross between a squirrel & a pup

Well, it's kind of hard to discuss trades without examining the merchandise, but it's your ship...

By now, the color-changing forest is readily apparent to the guards outside the castle.

Gaurd #2: By my own blood, I've never seen anything like that!

Gaurd #1: It can only be the result of a powerful sorcery! he yells inside the castle Lothan! Lothan! Find Nikaren! There is powerful magic brewing in the forest!

Lopez wakes up to find that he is still on the bridge of the Siliconian ship. He notices that the Spidership, still holding position nearby, looks slightly older and less advanced then it did when he last saw it. A blinking panel shows that the vessel is sending an old-style radio tranmision. "What the hell is that about," he groans as he hits the button. "Flight Commander, we apologize for the inconevenience, but the Spidership is dealing with a most unusual crisis. In other words, situation normal. We'll have you, your fellow pilot, and your prisoners aboard shortly, as soon as the HoloDoc is back on-line and able to maintain the Level 1 quarantine you enacted. Spiderhsip out." Lopez moans in despair and hits the comm panel with his head. "I need to get my butt back in a pilot's seat, ANY pilot's seat, or I'm gonna go nuts!"

Actually, I think he's already found Enesku.

The feeling grows stronger, and Morgan, without time to worry about the consequences, snatches up the ring and turns to leave.

"Fair evening, stranger."

A splendidly robed man, balding on the sides of his head with the onset of middle age, stands with four identically-attired guards.

"Fair evening. Guildmaster Nikaren, I presume." Morgan replies, mouth gone dry.

Nikaren nods, then his eyes narrow as he spots the ring in Morgan's hand.

"You appear to have something of mine, and if my guards' reports are true, have discovered how to use it. This is an offense and an impropriety."

"Er, yes," Morgan replies breezily, slipping the ring into his pocket. "But I was simply hoping to borrow it for a little while. Say...", he pauses and recalls what he's seen of the Rylian architecture and technology within the castle. "...fifteen hundred years? Give or take a century, of course."

"Restrain him!" Nikaren snaps. The guards surge forward. As each reach him, Morgan slaps a mystic band around their midsection, pinning their arms to their sides, and pushes each to the floor in a flurry of motion.

The Guildmaster, furious now, withdraws a cobalt orb from inside his robe. Holding it in one hand, he speaks a word and the orb sends a beam of blue light straight at Morgan. It strikes the adventurer on his left leg, and he falls to the floor with a cry of pain. His leg is covered in frost, and he feels what seem like millions of tiny needles jabbing the flesh there.

"Dark things await for any man who thinks he can attain my precious--" Nikaren's voice breaks off as a loud horn sounds from somewhere outside.

Is that a cap? Never mind. Enesku, listen, we need to find Artsy and Insane and we've got to get them to the rendevous point, understand?

Enesku doesn't appear to be listening.

You hear me?
Enesku: Yeah
Rikard: What'd I say.
Enesku: We need to find Artsy and Insane and get them to the rendevous point. But I don't know where that is!!
Rikard: Hmm, that's exactly right. Anyway, I'm going to tell you. We're not far from it. It's that way.
He shines his light in the direction of the castle.
It's only about 40 meters away. Now hold on. I'm going to see if I can sense Lt. Insane nearby. I haven't done anything like this in a while so here goes.

Rikard closes his eyes and concentrates on the forest around him. He takes in the sounds of the night and tries to filter them out. He reaches out with his senses, searching for his two friends. After a lot of searching, he hears Insane. He can hear him walking, not too far away though farther than Rikard thought he'd be able to hear. He continues to concentrate and soon senses Artsy.

I found them. Pete's in that direction he shines the flashlight in the direction he is talking about. Go find him and take him to the rendevous point. And take this He gives her the flashlight. I'm going to find Artsy. I don't know what she's doing but she's not moving. Do you think you can do what I asked, Enesku?

Hears the horn.
What the heck? Listen, just find him and get him to our meeting area. If you get lost, use this gives Enesku his old-fashioned communicator. It should transmit directly to Commander Milkshake's. I'll see you at the meeting area.
Enesku: But-

Before she can say another word, Rikard is gone, sprinting through the forest in Artsy's direction.

I mean no disrespect to you, or your profession, but I wish to confirm that you have equipment that we can use, before we begin showing you what we could offer you in return.

Dispite our appearance, we don't want to give too much about our ship away to just anyone, unless it is nessessary.

Adon lead Trader Xoe towards the doors and after a brief, though not direct, trip they arrived at the conference room.

I believe that you have some idea as to what you might be interested in.

(Xoe hands Adon an invoice of items he is interested in and a list of what he has to trade.)

Alex emerges from out of the forest, obviously exploring. Jackson and Butrfli appear from some nearby bushes, also looking like they've been doing some exploring on their own.
Alex: From what I can see, the forest coloration change extends far into the forest.
Jackson: And there's nothing new from here... where's Jadlad?

Nikaren stands at a high window looking over the forest, which is still color-changing rapidly. He is concerned, yes, but his outward appearance is one of stoic curiosity; he expected something like this would eventually happen.

He is approached by another gaurd.

"Sir, I bring news of an intruder within the castle."

"An intruder... Where?"

"In the Torrik Chamber, sir. He seemed interested in a ring."

"A ring?"

"A crystal ring."

"How very odd... What happened to him?"

"A very odd event, sir. Helshir came upon him in the chamber, whereupon the stranger identified him as... well... as you. Helshir is no fool, as you know, and tried to play off the event as if he was, in fact you. Before long, he tried to apprehend the man, who, though he attempted to fight back, was swiftly subdued. He has been taken to the prisoner level, under full security."

"Very good. Here is what I want you to do. Find Helshir, and the ring, and bring them both to me. I want to know exactly what happened between the two. Also, round up a few extra gaurds... perhaps no more than six, and station them inside the library, but make sure they keep themselves concealed, for I don't want anyone walking in to know that we have increased the watch. This interloper may be a feint, and we must make sure we are not distracted."

"I shall make it so, sir."

The guard withdrew, leaving Nikaren to his thoughts. The entire time, he had never taken his eyes off the strage trees outside...

Rikard continues running. He feels like he's been going for hours, but knows only a few minutes have gone by since he left Enesku. Maybe he was out of shape. After more running through the darkness and nearly being clotheslined by another branch, Rikard finally stumbles as his foot gets caught on a root. When he looks up, he sees Artsy, crouched and seemingly in a daze, holding something. Rikard can't tell what it is. He slowly gets up and approaches. As he gets closer, he can see that she's holding a flower, a flower with flucuating colors.

Artsy? Are you alright?

Helshir grappled with the odd coat for the twentieth time, turning its pockets inside out, peering for hidden seams, feeling through the material for anything hard. And small. And round.

"It has to be here! You're sure you searched the prisoner thoroughly?" he demanded of the guard who stood solidly by him outside the dungeon doors.

"Completely, sir."

"He did put it in his pocket, I'm sure. He did not have time..." Helshir mumbled to himself. It was no use, the garment contained nothing. "My one chance to seize Nikaren's treasure...no matter. He will likely be here any minute. Take this to my chambers. I must be ready for a visit from our honored lord."

The guard took the jacket, bowed slightly from the waist, and left.

...leans over to Helshir and reminds him that Nikaren had ordered Helshir to come to him, not the other way around.

"Right. I knew that."

With that, Helshir leaves the dungeons.

Bye-bye. Please come back soon.

Artsy? Are you alright?

At the sound of Rikard's voice, Artsy blinks slowly, then lifts her head to look at him. Her irises are blank, pale, threaded with only a faint echo of the colors that are shifting through her clothes, her hair, through the trees above.

But the sight of her crewmate, untouched by the change, disturbs her. She blinks again, frowning. For one moment she seems to really see him. Her brows draw together in bewilderment.

Then the artist's eyes snap shut, and she rocks slightly, still crouching. When they open again, the blank look is back; and as Artsy stands, stepping quickly towards Rikard, she seems to only see a yet-unfinished part of her design....

(meanwhile, back at the ship, the discussions between Xoe & Adon have been progressing when a Manta Ray ship comes out of warp and fires at the Spidermobile)

Alien broadcast: That was a warning shot! We know you are hiding Trader Xoe! Surrender or we will get violent!

Seff (checking a device): It's the Pzz'Dophians! Why are they attacking? They seemed happy with the last deal.

Xoe: You can never tell with a Pzz'Dophian. One minute they're happy, the next they want to skin ya alive and decorate the landscape with yer internal organs. Let's get back to the ship. Our advanced technology will survive the Pzz'Dophians attack, but this spidership is too primitive.

Seff: The transporter isn't working it's... Oh, no! The Pzz'Dophians have flooded the region with Doubletalchians it's interfering with our ship's advanced technology! We're helpless.

Duh duh DUHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

"Number One, this is Milkshake. We're penetrating the castle now. If you can, help Artsy and report back a--ZTGHZZZT!"

Rikard glances down at his radio for a second then back at Artsy-Fartsy who is rapidly approaching him. Something doesn't seem right with her, but Rikard has no possible idea what it could be. Something to do with her ring maybe, or lack thereof. He doesn't get much time to think about it as she reaches him and tries to grab him. He stops her but she seems unnaturally strong, or perhaps just very determined.

Artsy! What are you doing?!?!

In Nikaren's chamber.

"Sir?"

Adon sat down in a nearby chair, rubbed his forehead with his first two fingers, and muttered to himself.

Why does this kind of thing keep happening to us?

Adon stood up.

I'm very sorry, but we must straighten this out. Please come with me.

Adon and Trader Xoe set out for the bridge, and arrived a few moments later. Adon sat down in the Captain's Chair.

Open a channel to that ship.

Attention attacking vessel: This is Commander Adon, the commander of this ship. Please cease fire, and perhaps we can reach a compermise.

Typical. Since when did I have the ability to sense anyone? Insane can find himself.

Why did I forget to being a communicator with me? Oh, yeah, because I was whisked off the ship and put here without taking one.

Well, the castle shouldn't be ahrd to find. I'll just make my way there, and assume he's doing the same. That's where everyone's going anyway.

What!?! You dare invoke the name of the Most Holy Kompermize?!? Blasphemy!!!

(to crew)

Prepare to blast the ship to tiny, little pieces! Then we'll smash the pieces into even tinier pieces!

Weapons are coming online. Hull plating is being polarized.

Under normal circumstances dealing with that ship wouldn't be a problem, but now we don't proper shielding, we have a grappler instead of a tractor beam, our torpedoes have been replaced by Mark V nuclear mines, our highest energy weapons are lasers, we also have three cannons, a catapult, Greek Fire and a wheelbarrow.

I'm not sure what shape the shuttles & fighters are in. That information isn't on this device.

(the device looked like an old Stock Market ticker tape machine)

(Carol, wearing a Classic Trek style space suit, makes her way to one of the cannon rooms)

Whoa!!! Now that's a big gun!

Oh, wait! I just discovered we have a book of Vogon Poetry & a vinyl 45 of Furby singing Ooops, I Did It Again.

"Vogon poetry? We don't really want to become intergalactic war criminals... do we?"

"Ah! Helshir, come, come." Nikaren turned away from the window for the first time in nearly half an hour to greet his subordinate, but his attention wasn't far from it as he directed Helshir's glance in that direction. "Have you ever seen anything so glorious? So otherworldly? I've never seen anything like it. Pity that I should be distracted from it. Now, then, I want to hear first hand about your encounter with the interloper. And, oh... where is the ring?"

No, it's a Big Honkin' Gun™

"Sir, we discovered the interloper with your ring in his hand. I ordered the guards to restrain him, he placed the ring in his pocket and then used magic on the guards to disable them. Magic, I might add, without any sign of an artifact in his possession. I used the Frostsoul to lame the intruder, and we placed him in the dungeon.

Sir...we have not yet found your ring, not on his person, nor in the Torrik Chamber."

Day 178. The nightmares continue, only now they're becoming more scary and surreal. Ishtar, Zardoz and Xanadu are still chasing after me through the Aetherium Streets. What does it all mean? Why do these nightmares haunt me night after night? And why am I still getting these demotions?

Life here is otherwise desperate. The LICC have been gone for months now, and the fact that someone turned the Lego®-brick remnants of the Hawkflint into a scale model of the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Trans-Atlantic Rail Bridge means I can't go after them like I used to. Worse, the Hawkflint's computer, now a mere pocket calculator, is having logic arguments with the ship's Mainframe Slide Rule and winning every time, so someone has to pull all the wax cylinders out of the system and reattach them with a bootstrap again, just to get the coffee machine in Deck 7 to stop spewing out fresh hot sewage with milk and two sugars.

I blame it all on my new bunkmates, Ensign Lingus and Ensign Pigeon. They always seem to get the best jobs, even while the senior crew have gone. Konnie's been assigned to communications, where her job is to clean all the components of the 20th-Century telephone receivers. This very minute she's at work buffing Ensign First's ringpiece. Kallie, on the other hand, is in charge of the Galley where all the hand weapons in the emergency locker are now novelty food-fight toys. She's had a lot of target practice on the remaining Furbies, who seem to take great delight at having creamy yoghurt shooting into their faces.

But why oh why must I have to put up with all of this madness? All I seem to do is get demoted again and again just for being, well, me. I never thought that a 9th-class crewman existed until now. I must be in the record books for lowest non-com rank. No... that dubious record belongs to Crewman 11th-Class Lemongill, and he just didn't even try to get a promotion. As soon as this sorry state of affairs is over, I may as well consider getting off this ship and head for adventures unlimited. Except..... well.... I've already SEEN those adventures and BEEN to those places and DONE all those people. And yet I'm still classed a minor.

Ah well, might as well get back to work. Those asbestos chimneys won't sweep themselves, after all.

Your eternal partner in life,

R.

Adon stopped transmitting over the radio.
Get ready for some evasive measures, and someone run down to the hanger and see if we have anything left down there that can fly, and have a weapon strapped onto it. I do have one trick to try, and if that doesn't work, we run like heck.

Adon resumed transmission.
Then how about this: You and I have a duel, man to Pzz´Dophian. If I win, you let both my ship, and Xoe go. If you win, we will hand Xoe over to you. Agreed?
Then how about this... we duel, just you and I,

Oh fine, a decent scuffle! Let's watch!

Let's bet.

"You can't even find the ring? I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised; rings are such small things... they are easily... lost. But tell me more about this man. What did he say? Could he be connected to this strange magic we see outside?"

Helshir sags a bit in disguised relief.

"Oh, quite possibly, sir. His magic was of quite surprising nature, and precise as well. And he had nothing much to say, something along the line that he wanted to possess your ring for eternity or some such."

Seff (to Delgado & Duella): Unfortunately Pzz'Dophian's like Vogon poetry. They think there is nothing better than to get them riled up into a killing frenzy.

(in response to Adon's broadcast, the Pzz'Dophians start broadcasting the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez movie Gigli. Several redshirts on the bridge claw their eyes out at the sight.)

(someone points out to R Jimlad that Marissa Marrisa was actually the lowest ranked crewman & Glitter joins Ishtar, Zardoz & Xanadu in his nightmares.)

Carol First: Well, just don't stand there gawking, O'Neill, grab some fruitcakes and start loading the cannon! (despite yelling at him and having virtually nothing in common, their brief onscreen chemistry convinces thousands of shippers that they secretly love each other)

Bursts into the cannon room

Hands off! He's mine!

A catfight ensues & John A. Lang starts his VCR.

Jack followed the trail of shredded clothing to the bedroom door. He opened it and entered. Carol & Sam have started without him. He disrobes. They turn toward him and say as one, "Now that's a big, honking space gun."

"An eternity? I hope you explained that was... quite impossible. And, maybe, Helshir, you can explain something of how this man mistook you for myself?"

"I'm not quite sure, sir. Some of the traders have mentioned that we resemble each other around the face. Perhaps it was that I was accompanied by the guards. Sir, what shall we do with the intruder?"

Close that channel!

The horrific broadcast is cut off, and just in time.

We will have to fight fire with fire.

Adon walks to a nearby wall safe, and after a VERY elaborate unlocking sequence, he removes the safe's contents... an audio cassette.

Our most lethal weapon, short of the Furbies singing that is... William Shatner's Greatest Hits. Start broadcasting that, and make sure that you don't play that over our speakers!

"Luuuuccyy in the sky...with dia--"

Adon realizes his mistake, as the antiquated computer core activates a failsafe upon processing the first 6 seconds of the song...and melts itself.

(having succesfully kicked Carter's ass, Carol when back to loading the cannon, while O'Neill took Carter away.)

Fire one!

(she fired a fruitcake volley at the Pzz'Dophian ship and the ultradense substance ripped through the enemy shields and smashed into the ship)

Yes!

Phlunky: My leige! They have counterattacked with a truly horrible audio transmission and they have launched some kind of unnatural substance that has penetrated our shields and hit the ship. Specifically your quarters.

What!

Phlunky: Yes. Your tapiocabed, gooeylamps, and your prize collection of Zelgar paintings on black velvet have all been destroyed.

(the camera zooms in on the Pzz'Dophian captain and spirals up & back)

Noooooooooooooo!!!!

Wait a minute!

My prized collection of Zelgar on black velvet was on display in the crew dining room, not my quarters!

Phlunky: Errrrrrr... yeeeeeessssssssssssss... (his three eyes go back & forth as he thinks up an explanation) Collateral damage! A cascade failure of the electrophotonicgyrocompensators polarized the velvet molecules to a frequency opposite that of the walls and they were suddenly flung to the nearest airlock and blown into space!

Very well! No more Mr. Nice Guy! Launch the four-ton torpedoes! Power up the Death Rays! And fire the Britney Spears!

"Bring the prisoner to me; I want to interrogate him personally. And FIND THE RING!" Nikaren finishes his orders with a snarl, before returning to his usual calm demeanor. "You may go."

He watches as Helshir takes his leave, even following to the door. After Helshir is far enough away, he summons two gaurds.

"Follow Helshir to the prisoner level. When he gets there, detain him, and have the intruder brought to me."

Does anyone have any tea?

Within minutes, the guards return, bodily hauling Morgan who is obviously in pain, his overshirt now in strips and bound tightly over part of his left leg.

"Ah, the real Nikaren. Greet you, sir, and I must congratulate you on the skills of your men-at-arms. It has been a while since I've enjoyed the effects of frostbite."

Oops! I did it again!

"Greetings, indeed. And I'm glad you found my men sufficiently trained; to be without such protection is something I can scarce afford. Now... let me see..."

Nikaren withdraws from his vest what appears to be a battered tin ring hung from a sinew cord. He holds it over Keiran, where it begins to gyrate wildly.

"Hmmmmmm... A powerful magic protects you. But I have never faced a magic so powerful that it cannot be broken. Thus, I offer you a choice. Answer my questions honestly, and I'm sure your fate will be much more... pleasent. Let us start with the basics. Who are you? Why are you here? How were you able to get so deeply into the castle?"

Keiran ignores the questions, and replies, "Sir, time is short. There is something you possess and I require. Perhaps we can strike a bargain of sorts. Being a man who has a voracious taste in antiquities, as you are also, I may be in a position to offer you something far more valuable and intriguing than the Ring of Craft."

Well, I guess its time for the last resort.

Adon stood up from the Captain's Char.

Full power to impusle engines! Head right for their ship at full speed.

The Spidership suddenly moved forward, narrowly avoiding the Pzz'Dophian's counter-attack. And they barely missed colliding with the Spidership, and causing everyone's insurance to increase. By the time they could get a fix on the Spidership and begin persuit, the Spidership was outside of their weapons range.

Back on the Bridge, Adon slumped into the chair.
That will work for now. Just keep us accellerating on this course. What is the Pzz'Dophian ship doing?

Crewman Noname: "They're chasing us, sir. However, they don't appear to be closing or falling behind."

We're going nowhere fast. And in our current condition, we're in no shape to go any faster.
He sighed.
I need something to drink.

A quick call to the Galley, and a hot apple cider was on its way up. A few moments later, the elevator doors opened, but before the crewman carrying the cup could step out, the cup of cider floated off of his tray and over to Adon's waiting hand.

He took a sip, and then his eyes went wide. He dropped the cup, but both it and the liquid stopped in mid air just before smashing to the deck.

That's it!

Adon hit the shipwide intercom switch.
Attention, all hands. I need you to listen to me very carefully and do exactly what I say...

A console opened up and a hand came out and listened to Adon's broadcast.

Sorry, Britney, but you were fired.

Several Pzz'Dophians grab Ms. Spears, shove her into a torpedo tube and launch her toward the Spidermobile

A thud reverberates against the ship and a Britney Spears shaped dent appears on the interior bulkhead wall

Aaaaaaah! They're shooting twentieth-century pop stars at us!

Well two can play at that game!

Ensign Donovan is grabbed and shoved into the catapult and fired at the alien ship

Hahaha! Choke on some 'Mellow Yellow'!

Meanwhile, on the planet, Butrfli looks more alert and looks at the castle.
They've got Keiran in there. I have no idea how he got there, but they have him.

"A trade? How very interesting. Although you may understand that I would be much more inclined to discuss such an offer if I knew who I would be trading with. If you don't wish to tell me, so be it..."

The bridge intercom was alive with messages from various parts of the ship, as the crew reported that Adon's unusual commands. Finally, the last preparation was completed.

Excellent! Begin the operation.

The ship's engines, sensors, gravity, and almost every other power consuming device onboard the ship shut down. The ship itself vanished from the Pzz´Dophian's sensors. Not wanting to run into the now powerless Spidership, the Pzz'Dophian ship slowed to the Spidership's last known speed.

At that time that the power was shut off, all of the missiles, torpedos, and other self guided weapons were released from the ship and allowed to float free in space.

Change our course. Depressurize sections 2 and four.

The rooms along the outer hull, which had been evacuated before the power was shut down. The excaping air pushed the ship off its original course.

The Pzz'Dophian ship ran into the floating missile field, which activated the missles, sending them flying from all directions right at the Pzz'Dophians.

"I really can't tell you anything, excepting a lie. Just please be assured that despite my actions, I don't wish to be your enemy. I require your ring to heal someone close to me. Now, if you will return my coat, I will be able to retrieve something that may interest you."

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

"Your coat? Your coat was empty. If you truly don't want to be my enemy, you'll explain yourself!"

"I can't. Now, if you want to be shortsighted and throw away a deal that can and will be very beneficial, that's up to you. If you choose to be lenient, however, we'll both come away happy and I'll never plague you again. Your choice."

Nikaren is silent for a moment, mulling the offer over as he watches the reflections of the forest outside play over his captor's face.

"Very well. Let me see what you have to offer in trade. Gaurds! Bring me this man's coat!"

After a few minutes, the coat is brought in.

Meanwhile, the color change sweeping the forest pauses momentarily, as if the force behind it has waned...

~~~~~

Artsy moved faster than Rikard could put up a defense, pinning his wrists and shoving him back against the nearest tree. This interruption of her design, of the pattern that she could see and sense unifying this entire area, annoyed her. It had to be fixed--but it kept moving, and its color refused to even out.

Artsy, what are you doing?!?!

The shout bounces off her, the waves having nothing to do with her patterning, no meaning....

But her grip falters again, and Rikard wrenches away from her.

Artsy stands silent, hands empty, eyes blank, then turns her back on the man and walks into the trees, fingers outstretched on either side.

~~~~~

The pattern continues to shift and change, a tide of color sweeping towards the castle.

"Here, give it to me."

After a moment's hesitation on the guards' part, Nikaren nods, and they hand the garment to Keiran. Keiran slips it on with a sigh of relief, and reaches into the pocket on its left side. With wide-eyed amazement, the others present watch Morgan dig deeper and deeper into the pocket, eventually sinking his arm into it almost to the shoulder, despite the coat only reaching to the waist. Finally Morgan gives a grunt of satisfaction, and retrives a shining silvery ball, about the size of a large man's fist. He hobbles over and deposits it in Nikaren's outstretched hand.

"Now you must say the name of your world to activate the device."

Nikaren looks puzzled, then replies: "Da'dza Ryli."

There is a bright flash that fills the room, and the ball suddenly displays a flurry of colors upon its face. When the commotion subsides, the ball Nikaren holds is a beautiful sphere of green, blue, white and traces of violet.

"You may not recognize it, but this is what your world looks like from without, from high in the sky. If you merely concentrate upon a portion of what the Vishva Ankha displays, you can find you can see farther and farther toward the surface, even to recognizing individual people. Nothing on your world is hidden from you. Now, would this bauble be valuable to you?"

Adon ordered that the power be restored, and all defensive systems be activated in case anything else comes wandering around that would want a piece of the ship. Once everything is returned to normal, of as normal as it gets around there, he turned towars Trader Xoe.

Trader Xoe, we want a level one quarrentine field, and a faster-than-light drive of some sort. If you have such devices that can be installed on our ship, we will discuss what we can trade for them. If not, then please leave. I don't want to be rude, but it seems that you aren't exactly the most popular person in the galaxy, and I don't really want anyone else showing up looking for you.

Artsy, I'm sorry about this but it has to be done. We were supposed to pull off this mission without being noticed.

Rikard pulls out a phaser and sets it to one of its two settings, namely stun. He aims at the artist's back for a moment as the colors around him continue to fluctuate, an awe inspiring sight in other circumstances. But Rikard ignores this. With the gun ready and Artsy's attention not on him for the moment, Rikard fires.

(The trade is made. The quarrantine field & the FTL drive are installed and prove to work. A deal is also made for a robot body that the Doctor program can use to move around and perform surgery with. Xoe & Seff leave with the items they received in trade.)

Lopez & Plevyak are transfered to the Spidership's Sickbay where they are to be examined by the now robotic doctor. His glowing red eye moves steadily back and forth and he speaks in a robotic monotone.

Ah, good day gentlemen. Have a seat and I will begin my examination of you.

Suddenly dozens of sharp-edged surgical instruments pop out of his hands.

Whoops! Sorry about that. Still getting the hang of this new body.

Who wants to be examined first?