To steal a train while you are insane requires you to have a loco-motive.


The thief who stole cutlery and left no clues was a stainless stealer.

That famous person who was found sneaking into the wigwam of the Chief of a protected Native American settlement, was later arrested and charged with "loitering within tent."

This one's a bit dated, but what the heck,

The burglar who broke into the bedroom of Prince Rainier Monaco and tried on his jewellery and his wife's gowns, has been charges with putting on Heirs and Graces.

...and the couple who were charged with performing lewd acts behind Bechers Brook on Aintree racecourse have asked for three other fences to be taken into consideration.

These two are actually true: they happened to a friend.

A lady barrister was very worried about making a presentation to the Court. My friend asked why. She said,
"I have to say 'For 30 years this man has been a Master Baker.'"
My friend smirked and said,
"You're going to get that wrong aren't you!"
"You bast*rd!" she replied.
Sure enough, a few moments later, she got it wrong...

She got away with it, unlike my friend in the case of the poulty worker accused of having sex with a chicken. The judge thought it inappropriate for the prosecution to be making puns, and was not happy when my fiend opined that the accused's workmates had been 'egging him on'.

They sound more like FOAF (Friend of a Friend = Urban Legend)stories than friend stories, but then again, what do I know?

A guy walked into a grocery store, pulled out a gun and started blasting away at boxes of Corn Flakes, Cap'n Krunch, Cheerios and the like. Prosecutors are trying to have him sentenced as a cereal killer.

Could he be Toucan-"Son of"-Sam perhaps?

TomM, they're not FOAF stories.
I know this guy, he really does (or did - long and depressing story) work on the prosecution of psychosexual offenders, and I trust him. Nobody's going to do that job for as long as he did without having a few stories to tell...

Then there was the guy who's car had mechanical problems, causing him to crash into a funeral. His car knocked the casket into the grave, and covered it with the dirt. He was later arrested for braking and interring.

No, please! Thank you! I'll be here till Thursday!

Only if we don't hang you first, Scott....

This man sent the food company to court after being poisoned by a meal tainted with chicken faeces. The media reported the story as a case of "merde most fowl".

(As I've always said, you can't spell "manslaughter" without "laughter".)

The thief accused of stealing complete boxed sets of Star Trek:Voyager seasons 1 through 7 has been found guilty .. but insane.

Did nobody hear of the thief who stole a prize-winning pineapple-and-strawberry trifle, and was caught and held in police custard-y?

Or the brothel that was raided and placed under house arrest?

"Transporting a gull across the state lion for immortal porpoises."
(Too long to type. Google it yourself.)

And now, for something completely different:

There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who had very small organs of sex.
When pressed for exposure
He said with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."

A man was arrested for holding up the Morton seasoning factory & the Ray-O-Vac warehouse. He was charged with a-salt with battery

TJ, I always heard it as "Transporting a mynah across state lines for immortal porpoises".

I'm sure it's the same joke, though.

"De minimis non curat lex." "The law does not care about the little things."

Scott--I heard it in 1965. So it's MINE! MINE! (Unless you heard it earlier, in which case, "never mind.")

Seeing as I was 2 (and turned 3) in 1965, I concede. However, you sound like a cross between Daffy Duck and John A. Lang

I've heard the gull version of the immortal porpoises joke.
Thought I was the only one who remembered that one after hearing it a couple of decades ago...

Scott--It's a myth that 2-year-olds can't appreciate sophisticated humor. ("Pull my finger," for example.)

Latin student--Latin will never die as long as the law chooses to conceal an absence of profound thinking. ("Res ipsa loquitur," for example.)

I liked you better as Sal Benedetto: you did the right thing.

Bang. Splash.

An oldie, but a goodie: Did you hear about the time when the police arrested two men, one having stolen a car battery, the other one having stolen a large firework?

They charged one and let the other one off.

They arrested the guy who overseasoned his fried chicken. The charge? Salt in Batter-y.

Two peanuts walking down the street, one was a salted.

Sophie on Thursday, March 13, 2003 - 7:12 am: The thief accused of stealing complete boxed sets of Star Trek:Voyager seasons 1 through 7 has been found guilty .. but insane.

Bit harsh!

An oldie but a baddie:

Judge: Order in the court!

Defendant: Two cheeseburgers, no pickles, please!