Another of my favorites from the sixth season. I love this dialogue:
(Ross enters.)
Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye.
Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I’ll take care of everything.
Rachel: Well sure, if you say you’re gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now I’m gonna do this my way and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you!
Ross: Okay Rach, but…
Rachel: Op! You’re peeping!
(Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.)
Rachel: Ross! Y’know what, I just got—why? Why did you do this?!
Ross: Look I told you…
Rachel: I don’t wanna hear "Three failed marriages!"
Ross: Look, if you’d had two failed marriages, you’d understand!
Rachel: Well, y’know what? Thanks to you I’m half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don’t think I have ever been this angry!
Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break?
Rachel: Ugh! (Stares at him with a look of frustration. Her lips are pursed together really tight as well. She is MAD!)
I also really like this segment as well.
[Scene: A judge’s chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers. The judge is Conchatta Ferrell, who went on to brilliantly play Berta, the long-suffering housekeeper on Two & A Half Men.]
Judge: Okay. You two are asking the court for an annulment?
Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out.
Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.
Ross: Fine, I’m mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug!
Rachel: Well, you would know.
Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?
Ross: Oh, come on!
Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines!
Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin.
Ross: Okay, I’m sorry, this is insane! I-I-I’m not addicted to heroin, I’m not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I’ll consummate this marriage right here, right now!
Judge: That won’t be necessary. (Whew!)
Ross: And when we were dating we consummated like bunnies!
Rachel: Ugh!
Judge: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem.
Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured, our relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record?
Judge: Is there anything in this record that is actually true?
Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think.
Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly don’t qualify for an annulment. If you two don’t want to be together you’ll have to file for divorce. (begins working on something else)
Ross: (stands up) That’s great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form!
Rachel: (stands up as well) What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like bunnies nonsense!
Ross: And what—(notices the stenographer is still typing)—What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We don’t get the annulment. Don’t type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (He’s still typing.) Stop typing! Stop typing!!
Rachel: (to the judge) Okay, do you see, do you see what you’re keeping me married too?!
Judge: (not looking up) You need to get out of my chambers.
Rachel: All right, look lady, here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one!
Ross: Yeah!
Judge: (still not looking up) Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel: And thank you for your time. (They both beat a hasty retreat.)
Ha ha! I love it! (Once again, I hope you do too!)