How do you know when a Democrat is lying?
He's explaining who he hasn't had sex with.

How do you know when a Republican is lying?
He says he wants to cut back government. (Before any Republican defenders post I better point out that the only times the US budget went down in the 20th century were in 1946 and 1919.)

How do you know a Libertarian is lying?
He says he can get elected.

I found this.

This doesn't really relate, but...

Had the boys in Lord of the Flies been American, their whole little society would have collapsed far more quickly. Had they been Canadian, they still would have been sitting around on the beach, talking and arguing amongst themselves, at the very end of the book.

As I recall, that's basically what they *did*, except they also added some murder.

As I recall, that's basically what they *did*, except they also added some murder.

No, had they been Canadian, the whole book would have consisted of the boys' sitting on the beach, arguing and discussing the issues.

How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
All you can find - one to hold the bulb, the rest to turn the building!

What's the difference between Political Correctness and that which George Orwell called "Doublespeak"?
In order to be Politically Correct, you must not only practice Doublespeak, you must ALSO say that anyone who disagrees with you is against "Choice"!

Why would George Washington NOT be able to be elected President if he were alive today?
Because a man who cannot tell a lie, cannot be Politically Correct!

First off I would like to say that I could/can only love/marry/whatever and irish dude. theyre my favorite!! newho...
a brunette walked into a store and the store-worker-person complimented her on her beautimus hair. the person the asked if her hair wasw natural. she said yes! a red-head walked into the store and the same thing happened. Then a blonde walked into the store and the same thing happened again. then a girl with green hair walked into the store and it happened again, but she said no.
in the end it turned out that the person was a surveyist and this wasn't another annoying hair color joke.

chala that was mos' wundermus.
a girl walkd into a room. she said, "hello"
when she walked out she said "goodbye"

ah yes, now that im on that trail of thaught, are there only guys in this place, or am i not alone in my femineness?

Got this in my e-mail box. Funny stuff.

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. -- NASA engineers and mathematicians in this high-tech city are stunned and infuriated after the Alabama state legistature narrowly passed a law yesterday redefining pi, a mathematical constant used in the aerospace industry. The bill to change the value of pi to exactly three was introduced without fanfare by Leonard Lee Lawson (R, Crossville), and rapidly gained support after a letter-writing campaign by members of the Solomon Society, a traditional values group. Governor Guy Hunt says he will sign it into law on Wednesday.
The law took the state's engineering community by surprise. "It would have been nice if they had consulted with someone who actually uses pi," said Marshall Bergman, a manager at the Ballistic Missile Defense Organization. According to Bergman, pi is a Greek letter that signifies the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. It is often used by engineers to calculate missile trajectories.

Prof. Kim Johanson, a mathematician from University of Alabama, said that pi is a universal constant, and cannot arbitrarily be changed by lawmakers. Johanson explained that pi is an irrational number, which means that it has an infinite number of digits after the decimal point and can never be known exactly. Nevertheless, she said, pi is precisly defined by mathematics to be "3.14159, plus as many more digits as you have time to calculate".

"I think that it is the mathematicians that are being irrational, and it is time for them to admit it," said Lawson. "The Bible very clearly says in I Kings 7:23 that the alter font of Solomon's Temple was ten cubits across and thirty cubits in diameter, and that it was round in compass."

Lawson called into question the usefulness of any number that cannot be calculated exactly, and suggested that never knowing the exact answer could harm students' self-esteem. "We need to return to some absolutes in our society," he said, "the Bible does not say that the font was thirty-something cubits. Plain reading says thirty cubits. Period."

Science supports Lawson, explains Russell Humbleys, a propulsion technician at the Marshall Spaceflight Center who testified in support of the bill before the legislature in Mongtomery on Monday. "Pi is merely an artifact of Euclidean geometry." Humbleys is working on a theory which he says will prove that pi is determined by the geometry of three-dimensional space, which is assumed by physicists to be "isotropic", or the same in all directions. "There are other geometries, and pi is different in every one of them," says Humbleys. Scientists have arbitrarily assumed that space is Euclidean, he says. He points out that a circle drawn on a spherical surface has a different value for the ratio of circumfence to diameter. "Anyone with a compass, flexible ruler, and globe can see for themselves," suggests Humbleys, "its not exactly rocket science."

Roger Learned, a Solomon Society member who was in Montgomery to support the bill, agrees. He said that pi is nothing more than an assumption by the mathematicians and engineers who were there to argue against the bill. "These nabobs waltzed into the capital with an arrogance that was breathtaking," Learned said. "Their prefatorial deficit resulted in a polemical stance at absolute contraposition to the legislature's puissance."

Some education experts believe that the legislation will affect the way math is taught to Alabama's children. One member of the state school board, Lily Ponja, is anxious to get the new value of pi into the state's math textbooks, but thinks that the old value should be retained as an alternative. She said, "As far as I am concerned, the value of pi is only a theory, and we should be open to all interpretations." She looks forward to students having the freedom to decide for themselves what value pi should have.

Robert S. Dietz, a professor at Arizona State University who has followed the controversy, wrote that this is not the first time a state legislature has attempted to redifine the value of pi. A legislator in the state of Indiana unsuccessfully attempted to have that state set the value of pi to three. According to Dietz, the lawmaker was exasperated by the calculations of a mathematician who carried pi to four hundred decimal places and still could not achieve a rational number. Many experts are warning that this is just the beginning of a national battle over pi between traditional values supporters and the technical elite. Solomon Society member Lawson agrees. "We just want to return pi to its traditional value," he said, "which, according to the Bible, is three."

____________________________________________________________________

First Alabama tried to redefine the value of pi to 3. Then Kansas removed the requirement for teaching evolution in its public schools. We thought it couldn't get any worse, but then Mississippi came along and proved us wrong:


13 August 1999
Jackson, MS -- Bolstered by the state of Kansas' recent measure removing the requirement for the teaching of evolution in public schools, yesterday afternoon the Mississippi legislature passed a bill eliminating fractions and decimal points from the mathematics curriculum of all public secondary schools in the state.

"Despite the coincidental timing of the measure, this was no whim," asserted Mississippi state senator Cassius de Spain. "We'd had the issue under consideration for several months now."

The bill, which cleared the Mississippi Senate by a vote of "a lot" to "a little" (with "this many" senators abstaining) after some initial confusion over how many votes constitute a "majority," directs public secondary schools in Mississippi to emphasize whole number arithmetic in mathematics courses and orders the removal of questions involving non-integer mathematics from standardized state tests after 1999. The fate of percentages remains undetermined as educators attempt to work out an alternative scoring method for tests.

Judith Sutpen, chairperson of the Mississippi Senate Education committee, defended the legislature's action against charges that it was motivated by "controversial religious beliefs."

"This has absolutely nothing to do with religion," she told reporters at a press conference Friday morning. "We're simply seeking to make mathematics more accessible to schoolchildren by de-emphasizing the elements that so many of them find confusing. It makes no sense to try to train our students how to think logically, then present them with nonsensical concepts such as 'irrational' and 'imaginary' numbers."

Senate minority leader Cora Tull indicated that religion did play a part in the passage of the legislation, however, maintaining that "if cardinality is good enough for the Catholic church, it ought to be good enough for the children of the great state of Mississippi." She added that "'improper fractions' have no place in any respectable school system, public or private."

Freshman senator John Sartoris of Brookhaven elaborated on the reasons for his colleagues' support of the bill: "We're sick and tired of hearing about how everything in our culture, from art to entertainment to education, is aimed at the 'lowest common denominator' of society. We're took aggressive action to do something about it yesterday by eliminating that denominator."

School librarians expressed concern about whether they will be able to continue categorizing books according to the Dewey decimal system once the law goes into effect, but Jason Compson, chief librarian for the Greater Biloxi School District, opined that "anyone who couldn't beat that pinko Truman doesn't deserve a place of honor in our schools' libraries anyway."

Several senators indicated that an additional measure aimed at removing "irregular verbs" from English classes might be in the offing.

Several senators indicated that an additional measure aimed at removing "irregular verbs" from English classes might be in the offing.

This would leave you with about three verbs left to use.

Stupd jokes lil' kids make:
Q: whch does dr.martin luthur king jr. prefer in hs coffee, white sugar or brown sugar?
A: nether, eqaul!
( i, sadly, made that up myself when i was 10 or so...)

Q: what do you call a lithium and argon compound?
A: a LiAr! ( must know your chem. sybols for that one... smart kids)

1st person: what color s rudololphs nose?
2nd person: red
1st: well gee, you must have READ the book

Q: why did santa claus spell noel N-O-E?
A: 'cuz theres no-L!

anothr unrelated comment:
don't you find it funny that the lead singer of the Pogues was kicked out of the band for DRINKNG TOO MUCH? ( for those that dun't know the Pogues are IRISH punk band that the dude frm the clash joned after the orgnal lead snger was booted)

I know the Irish are well known drunks, but isn't this a well-known part of the Australian, Scottish and even German character? Why do we call so many people drunks?

In Cancun when me any my buddys were talking to some scotts who were at our hotel we asked them what their is to do in Scotland. They said "Drink, that's about it."

hhhmmmm.... i get your point. I'd like to add that not only am i several different mxed-up heritages ( upper class scottish, lower class irish, german, french, natve american, and plenty more that i don't feel like remembering) but my american (white) mother is hindu. and im southern and blonde yet i do not dress/act (or attemt to) like britany spreares. i really had no idea that those ppl were known for being drunks, but o well just something me and my frends found funny at some poin....

half of a smiley?
ooh " attack of the headless smilies!"
( that means that you cant see them cuz' smiles are only heads and its great fun!)
ah... at this point i am confused... are you irish or not william?

icy.... well im from jersey ( much fun) and im barely irish but frankly i dun't care. they'd laugh at me a whole bunch more than they'd laugh at you. truthfully im just an irish fanatic, i listen to the pogues and read books liek "singing my him song" and "angela's ashes" ( malachy mccourt and frank mccourt) but still fun fun fun
much fun, much love, and so much more...

chala, annoyed be burnt.
newho speaking of the evils of stereo types drummers are always w/ out clothing ! whats with that? i know drumemr sthat arent but the famous ones seem to enjoy it quite thoroughly. i know a drummer that left a band to be in "the entertainment business" too hhhmmm...

Q. How many people who are approximately one-quarter German, one-quarter British, one-eighth Irish, one-eighth Scottish, one-eighth French, one-eighth Spanish, and a smidgen of Danish, Norwegian and Swedish, does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Uh-could you please repeat the question?

Q. How many people with a vitamin deficiency does it take to change a light bulb?

A. I didn't really have a punch line for that one, I just thought the question was funny.

A: none, so sick couldn't turn on the lights
or
nine, all went blind from vitaman deficiencies, couldn't see that the light was off any way

How many Peter's does it take to screw it a lightbulb?

Just one, you disgusting politically correct buggering child mollesting perverted Jem'Hadar loving Jewish conspirator!

I liked the original punchline for the vitamin deficiency one.

An Italian went into a bar and sat down carefully on a bar stool. He had a bad back and didn't want to cause himself a lot of pain. He ordered a beer, then looked around and said to the bar tender, "Hey, is that Jesus Christ at the end of the bar?" The bar tender said "Yep, sure is." So the Italian said, "Well, give him a drink on me."

Next an Irishman limped in and sat down. He had a bum leg. He ordered a really good Irish beer, not the •••• water they have over here in America. Then he looked around and said, "Is that Jesus Christ at the end of the bar?" The bar tender said "Yep, sure is." So the Italian said, "Well, give him a drink on me."

Then a redneck shuffled in. This man was in bad shape, bad back, bum knee, aching shoulder. He sat down, ordered a beer, and looked down the bar. Of course he saw Jesus Christ sitting there and bought him a drink.

After a while, Jesus got up to leave. He went over to the Italian and touched his back. The Italian leapt up, shouting for joy, "I'm healed!"

Next, Jesus walked over to the Irishman and touched his leg. The Irishman leapt up, shouting for joy, "I'm healed!"

Jesus walked over to the redneck. He jumped up and backed away, hollaring, "Don't touch me! I'm on disablity!!!"

How many Anonymous Trolls does it take to change a light bulb?

The trolls threw out "Anonymous" because he said he couldn't find a diaper that would fit the light bulb!

If you speak three languages, you're trilingual.
If you speak two languages, you're bilingual.
If you speak one language, you're American.

A Republican a Democrat, and a Libertarian are using the urinal in a men's room.

The Republican finishes. He goes to the sink, rolls up his sleeves and starts washing his hands. He is really scrubbing and going up to his elbows. He uses 8 paper towels to dry himself off. He says, "At Yale they taught us good hygiene."

The Democrat finishes. He goes to the sink, sprinkles a little water on his finger tips and uses half a paper towel to dry him self. He says, "At Harvard they taught us to respect the environment."

The Libertarian finishes. He goes right to the door. He says, "In Lil' People's Day Care they taught us not to pee on our hands."

I received the following in an unattributed email:


Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stu-pid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

This is just silliness that I can't imagine offending anyone. (Unless you regularly tie your Giraffe to a lamp post. That said this link is to an article about silly laws that are on the books. (Like no fishing while on a giraffe's neck in Chicago. Just so you Republicrats and Demicans don't think I'm pulling a fast one I should disclose it is from the Libertarian Party,

http://www.lp.org/lpnews/0203/sillylaws.html

A small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon is a Gorge Bush.

Revealed! The Diagram of the World Conspiracy

Oh, Monsieur Electron, with zese 'umourous weblinks you rrreally are spoiling us...

I loved that site. I thought it was great, very funny, and true.

I don't know exactly but wasn't there once a board about conspiracies?

No, that's just what they want you to think, Electron !

Watch out for gray vans with German BI-** **** license plates. Google for "Bielefeld-Verschwörung" and translate just the first result. Bielefeld is a non-existant town where JFK is held captive #4%&§4 CARRIER LOST

Sorry MarkN,

It is not true. It is humor meant to distract you from the truth.

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference!

Senator Ted Kennedy is quietly recuperating from whatever excess he was involved in the night before, when an aide disturbed him.

"Senator," said the aide, "What should we do about the abortion bill?"

"Pay it," said Ted.


Seeing what is happening to Providence mayor Vincent "Buddy" Cianci, I am jealous. (BTW, investigating corruption is a valid expense of taxpayer money.) Why can't Massachusetts elected officials have some convictions?

WARNING -- THE FOLLOWING JOKE IS OFFENSIVE TO AUSTRIANS, AND MAKES REFERENCE TO THE "H" PERSON!!!!! IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DO NOT READ THIS JOKE..

From rec.humor.funny archives (highlight to read):
Kurt Waldheim has been meeting with Hussein, trying to get a peaceful solution to the recent middle east events. Kurt says:

"You know Saddam, some people have been to comparing you to Adolf Hitler. I knew Hitler, Hitler was a friend of mine, and let me tell you, You're no Adolf Hitler."

Good one Scott, and similar to a rather cheap dig at Our War Leader™ which I heard on the radio show "The Now Show" recently, and went something like this:

"There was news this week that a German minister had compared George W. Bush to Adolf Hitler. Now this is totally unfair. I mean, Hitler knew where Poland was."

Lost Sprint Commercial:

---

Quote:

The Arthur Andersen partner was on his cell phone when he said,

"Ship the Enron documents to the Feds,"

but his secretary heard,

"Rip the Enron documents to shreds."

It turns out it was all just a case of bad cellular.

---

According to a very reliable source this conversation was picked up by a Russian recon satellite.

George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George B.: Great. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.
George B.: That's what I want to know.
Condoleeza R.: That's what I'm telling you.
George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The guy in China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The Chinaman!
Condoleeza R.: Hu is leading China.
George B.: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza R.: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B.: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza R.: That's the man's name.
George B.: That's who's name?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza R.: That's correct.
George B.: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Then who is?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: No, thanks.
Condoleeza R.: You want Kofi?
George B.: No.
Condoleeza R.: You don't want Kofi.
George B.: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condoleeza R.: And call who?
George B.: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the guy in China.
George B.: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi.
George B.: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza R.: Rice, here.
George B.: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

That's an old SNL sketch. Originally done with Chevy Chase as Ford, and I don't know who as his SecState.

Uh, ScottN, I think the sketch is a little older than that... ;)

Yes, it's based on "Who's on First", but the bits about Hu (premier of China) and Yasser (no, he's that arab fellow) are straight from the SNL sketch.

Johnny Carson did a very similar one during the Reagan Administration, complete with the Hu and Yassir lines. He also had a line about meeting Secretary James Watt at the YMCA:
"Who?"
"Watt."
"Where?"
"Y."

You have clearance, over.

Four congressmen (Two Republicrats and two Demicans for anyone that actually thinks there is a difference) walk into the Capitol Building.

You'd think one of them would see it. Goes away quickly before everyone figures it out.

It's ... Gulf War 2 (aka World War 2.5)

That's really funny.

"Poor Mexico, so far from God and so close to the United States." -- Porfirio Diaz

Cpied from the Onion

Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials
WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "safeguard our precious wildlands for future generations of SUV ads," the Department of the Interior set aside two million acres in Wyoming and Colorado for use in car commercials Monday. "If we do not protect this land," Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton said, "we may one day have no place for Dodge Rams to run wild and free."

One person posted this Dubya pic on another forum I frequent. It's just as immensely funny as it is accurate.

Addendum: The Truth Comes Out! Takes a while to load, though. Among these pix are the two whose URLs I posted but couldn't get to work.

Pasted from The Onion

U.S. Capitol Cleaning Turns Up
Long-Lost Constitution
WASHINGTON, DC—Lost for nearly two years, the U.S. Constitution was found Tuesday behind a couch in the Governor's Reception Room. "Wow, I forgot all about that thing," said U.S. Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT), who found the historic document while vacuuming. "Nobody knew what happened to it. Guess it must've fallen back there during a meeting." After making the find, Dodd spent several minutes rereading some of his favorite old amendments.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Apologizing Canadian,

Tell us something we don't know. (George Jr. being a moron.)

Are you sorry you consider wheat to be a controlled substance?

Are you sorry you know more all about the US when we, frankly, don't care about you? (The highest compliment you can give anybody is taking them for granted.)

Are you sorry we took Omaha beach and you took Juno? (Hey you brought up WWII. And the war of 1812. Are you sorry you did not give in to 54'40" too?)

Are you sorry we really don't care about your passive-aggressive apologizing criticism? What was the name of the Woman who said, "I hate Americans," or something like that? She was part of the some sort of diplomatic board in Canada or something.

Are you sorry you have a stiff neck from looking south all the time or are you sorry that Americans don't look north all the time? (Ask Canadians who was the last American President and I bet a higher percentage will get it correct than Americans asked who is the current Prime Minister of Canada. You know why that is so? Americans don't like trivia.)

Hockey? I'm glad you guys won. You care more than us. I was rooting for South Korea against the US in the World Cup for the same reason. It means more to them than us.

Beer? Dems fighting words. I'll put Sam Adams against any Molson •••••• •••••• •••••• you got.

ScottN,

Never mind that Bluec guy, he’s just a cheap Canadian knock off. (In case anyone is really confused, Bluec Berry is Blue Berry with a typo.)

humor guaranteed to offend both Republcrats and Demicans

Here's a joke for you:

An Englishman, a French man, and an American supermodel were traveling on an old-fashioned train. They went through a tunnel, and since there were no lights in the compartment, it was pitch-black. There was a kissing noise and a slapping noise. When they cam out of the tunnel, the Frenchman was rubbing his face. He thought to himself "The British guy must have tried to kiss the supermodel, and she hit me instead of him." The supermodel was thinking, "The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, but got the Englishman and the Englishman slapped him." The Englishman was thinking "Cool! The next time we go through a tunnel, I'll make a kissing noise and slap that French b******* again!"

There are some people out there who say that the current conflict is based entirely on ••••• envy. In the case of Silvio (media.de.indymedia.org/images/2003/03/43285.jpg) it's probably true. Now we only need paparazzi photos of George, Tony, Jose Maria and Saddam.

What if Fox News were around during other historical events? (Warning: Large page with many pictures!)

Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn on The Lord of the Rings.

John Ashcroft was speaking at a grammar school in a PR move. (Note for non-Americans: a grammar school has young children from about 5 to 12 year olds.)

After a brief speech about hard work and obeying laws he said, "I'll take questions now." He was expecting things like, "Is the white house big?" and "Do policemen wear guns?"

Instead little Timmy, who was coached by his evil Democratic parents said, "I have three questions, 1) Why did Bush get elected when Gore had more votes? 2) Why is the Patriot act aimed at civil liberties that the terrorists didn't use? 3) Why haven't you caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

Then the bell rings for recess and everyone runs out to play (except Mr. Ashcroft, of course).

After twenty minutes they all come in and Ashcroft begins again by saying, "I'm sorry we were interrupted, anyone have any questions?"

Little Suzy gets up and asks him, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five questions, 1) Why did Bush get elected when Gore had more votes? 2) Why is the Patriot act aimed at civil liberties that the terrorists didn't use? 3) Why haven't you caught Osama Bin Laden yet? 4) Why is the bell ringing early? And 5) Where's Timmy?"

click on the Dave Barry in 2004 button

I've heard that John Kerry is so boring that his Secret Service code name is "Al Gore".

I heard that Bush is accusing Kerry of having dodged the draft by hiding out in the jungles of Vietnam.

Here are some good jokes:

The Funny Pages -- Political Jokes

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out."
* Jay Leno

"Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'"
* Jay Leno

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers."
* Craig Kilborn

"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam."
* Jay Leno

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month."
* Jay Leno

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here."
* David Letterman

"President Bush said that the people who are attacking our forces in Iraq are getting more and more desperate because we're making so much progress. So just remember, the worse it gets, the better it is."
* Jay Leno

"President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one."
* Craig Kilborn

"Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course, George W. Bush for 'Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.'"
* Jay Leno


"President Bush is asking Congress for $80 billion dollars to re-build Iraq. And when you make out that check, remember there are two L's in Halliburton."
* David Letterman


"The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country."
* Jay Leno


"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain."
* Jon Stewart


"The Pentagon said this week the war in Iraq cost $20 billion so far. The breakdown is: operations, $10 billion; personnel, $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected * priceless."
* Bill Maher


"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then, he declares war."
* Jay Leno


"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."
* David Letterman


"President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished."
* Jay Leno


"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut."
* Craig Kilborn


"This week President Bush insisted he is absolutely convinced that Saddam had a weapons program. Of course he was absolutely convinced that he won the 2000 election, so I don't know."
* Jay Leno


"As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flashlight."
* Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"


"The White House now has disputed allegations by members of the House Intelligence Committee that President Bush went to war with Iraq based on vague intelligence. Of course he did. Everything Bush does is based on vague intelligence."
* Jay Leno


"The Justice Department launched an investigation into who in the White House leaked classified info to the press. The big question is, 'What did President Bush not know and when did he not know it?'"
* Craig Kilborn


"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven-person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard."
* Bill Maher


"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'"
* Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"


"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo."
* David Letterman


"In Washington, Republicans announcing that President Bush has no idea who leaked this CIA agents name to the press. See you got to feel sorry for Karl Rove and Bush's handlers. For the last couple of years, they've been telling us 'the president is in charge, no one makes moves without his say so.' And now, their only defense is 'He is out of the loop. He is Bush.'"
* Jay Leno


"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!"
* Jay Leno


"The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'"
* Bill Maher


"Last night, in a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have."
* Conan O'Brien


"George W. Bush surrounds himself with smart people the way a hole surrounds itself with a donut."
* Dennis Miller


"Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?"
* Jay Leno


"When Stevie Wonder took the stage at the Kennedy Center, President Bush waved to him. Realizing his faux pas, President Bush turned to his wife and said, 'Oh my God, do you think he saw that?'"
* Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"


"President Bush made a speech about Homeland Security in front of Mt. Rushmore. There was an awkward moment when Bush looked up at the monument and said 'Which one is President Rushmore?'"
* Conan O'Brien


"President Bush was munching on some pretzels when he choked and fainted. All this time we were worrying about Osama bin Laden, turns out he was almost done-in by Mr. Salty."
* Jay Leno


"CBS cancelled its miniseries on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called 'historical inaccuracies.' The RNC also objected to the networks unflattering look at George Bush, until they realized it was just a live press conference."
* Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

Dear Operation Truth supporter,


We have some good news, and we have some bad news.


The good news is, that thanks to your generous support, today on New York's WPIX and Monday on CNN, the television ad featuring Iraq Vet Robert Acosta will continue to be shown on the airwaves! We cannot thank you enough for your continued support to help make this happen. The ad has been the topic of news stories around the world from NOVA in the Netherlands to CNN and the New York Times.


The bad news is we were unable to get this ad on many of the networks where it could have been incredibly effective. Most of those networks that rejected the advertisement said that although it passed their legal departments and is completely accurate and follows every law, they will not run ads that are "advocacy" in nature. The top executives at the History Channel declined to air the ad, saying that when they aired ads by Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, it "generated several angry emails and phone calls."


It is unfortunate that Vietnam Veterans get their say (and get tons of free media attention!) to talk about who may or may not have been in Cambodia 30-plus years ago, but a Veteran of the current war cannot appear on the same airwaves to talk about the war going on right now, and his experience.


We feel it is only right to let you know which stations ultimately rejected airing the ad, thus keeping their viewers from seeing one of the faces associated with the human cost of war:


Comedy Central
The History Channel
Turner Entertainment Networks (TBS)
MTV / VH1
ESPN / ABC Sports

This unwillingness by some stations to air our advertisement is why we need your support more than ever -- so we can bypass the media to take troops' stories right to the American people! Please help us build our ranks and get people to sign up for these updates. Tell a friend about our site, and donate whatever you can!


Operation Truth will be around far past this election season to hold either President Bush or Senator Kerry accountable for his decisions affecting our troops. We plan to create more ads no matter who wins, and we promise you that together, we WILL bring the truth to the American people.


Many thanks for all your support,

Paul Rieckhoff
Executive Director
Operation Truth
www.optruth.org

The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom.

The committee chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

Welcome to the next 4 years....

Wow. Highly Offensive and unfunny. Thank goodness we're back on topic now, huh?

Utterly tasteless, Mark.

Utterly old too. And applied to both parties ad nauseum for at least the last 20 years.

Still true, apprpriately timed and funny. Right on the mark, MarkN

Although, it has different meaning after you've seen Team America.

This cartoon was emailed to me and it got me to thinking about creating this board. Post new or old (classic) cartoons if you like.

My favorite cartoons are the ones that depict a concept conceptually, rather than spell it out for you.

Well, to each their own. Makes no diff to me, really. If it makes me laugh or chuckle or guffaw then I like it. Sometimes I just 'preciates a good brainless joke, ya know?

Then you must like a lot of my jokes.

Umm, maybe if I remembered any, I might. Anyway, here's for you, CR. What would someone say to Craig if he fell on top of them? "Craig, roll off!" Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not as if you've already heard that one, right?

Of course, if Craig used a roll-on, he'd be a commercial...

"Rohloff! Roll-on!! Rohloff, roll-on, the ROLLER!"

Sorry, Craig, I couldn't resist. I hope you forgive me for that one, which I'm sure you've heard a million times.

"Roll off the barrel, we'll have a barrel of fun!" (Everybody sing!)

Yeah, guys, not quite a million times in all its variations, but close. (Gotta admit, though, ScottN's is a new twist! I actually chuckled a little. Does that mean I laugh at Death?)

And just for the record, roving mods, I don't consider the above two posts to be attacks, so please leave them up.

Homeland Security

Bush's stand on cloning

Star Trek cloning

Uh, unfortunately, Berry, none of those links has any bearing on what you captioned them as (not bad cartoons though).

Sparrow47,

Oops, Sorry. Maybe that site changes them each day. It made sense when I posted it.

At each site, go to the "Previous" tab and click back a few days (to January 7th).

PS: Just kidding about being from the government!

And just for the record, roving mods, I don't consider the above two posts to be attacks, so please leave them up.
Well, Craig, considering that I am a roving mod and have a very good sense of humor, along with ScottN (I'm sure, but I'll let him speak for himself ) I also don't think the posts are attacks. Besides, I'm the one who started joking about your name anyway. If you knew my last name then you'd see what kind of kidding I've had to put up with as a kid, even though I got over it by sixth grade.

they'll probably change it daily so this might not meet anything I say about it

When I posted it it was about identity theft. It doesn't seem political, but remember your social security card. The one that says your social security number should not be used for identification purposes. Maybe it is so much so that identity theft relies on it. I have that here because, unfortunately, social security is a government program.

they change daily so the joke about murder and robbery not being as important crimes as running a gambling operation that competes with the state lottery may not be there tomorrow.

the feb. 23, 2003 is funny

2004 Election Political Cartoons & Funny Pictures

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cra p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Since Slavery was legal in 1776. Wouldn't that make it legal again?

The South Shall Rise Again!

ROFLMAO, MarkN. Thanks very much.

A similar message circulated after the 2000 election, based on the premise that since Americans couldn't elect a President, the Crown had to step in. It was decidedly less anti-American, and a whole lot funnier.

The Nation's children are at risk!

"It was one day last spring," says Ellen McCormack. "My life partner Carol and I were in the garage, working on a giant Donald Rumsfeld papier mache head for the Bay Area March Against the War, when Rain walked by. I thought he looked kind of strange, so I stopped him and looked closely into his eyes. Then I realized the truth -- he was wearing a mullet."

...

McCormack says that Rain's erratic behavior would also come to include excessive politeness and deference.

"Everytime I tried to talk to him it was 'yes Momma,' and 'no Momma,' when he knows •••• well my name is Ellen," she says, anger rising in her voice. "It was like I didn't even know him anymore."

...

"We are people of faith who keep the sabbath," says Sandy, a curator in the Dada collection of the Museum of Modern Art. "Even when she was a toddler, we made sure Emily got up early every Sunday morning to read the New York Times Book Review. Sunday morning was our time, until..."

"Until those damned Jesus bastards stole my little girl," interrupts her husband, barely containing his anger. Once a Freshman honors student in Lacanian Deconstruction Theory at NYU, their daughter is now better known as Lurleen McDaniel -- reigning Princess of the Tulsa Livestock Show and Rodeo.

...

"These weren't normal kids, neighborhood kids in Che t-shirts who want to drop a couple of hits of X and chill on Radiohead," she says. "They would talk in a sort of strange code language, like 'Roll Tide!' and 'Gig 'em Ags!' and 'Piiiig Sooieeee!'"

...

A first generation Asian-American, Cheung says he was drawn to the group by their acceptance of minorities. "Hell, I kept tellin' all my family and teachers I wanna play fiddle, not violin," he explains. "The 'Necks accept me the way I am."

African-American Kwame 'Joe Don' Harris agrees. "Just because I'm black, teachers were always pushing me to go to Spellman to study Langston Hughes and Thelonius Monk," says the 17 year old. "These ol' boys here never laugh at my dream to be a crew chief for the Craftsman Truck Series."

Since Slavery was legal in 1776. Wouldn't that make it legal again?

The South Shall Rise Again!

Nope, slavery was outlawed in the British Empire in 1834.

How Americans make tea

Recipe for American Tea

1 harbor (about the size of Boston Harbor)
3 ships full of tea
20 Indian costumes
20 Tomahawks
A few muskets (as needed)
Salt to taste

Chill harbor to 40 degrees F

Wait until nightfall, the harbor should be cold, but not frozen. Find the ships filled with tea. Use Tomahawks, muskets, and Indian costumes to intimidate the crew. Smash open tea chests and pour raw tea in harbor. Stir and add salt to taste. For best results, serve with cumuppins.

Serves 300 million.

For Norwegians watching the inaugural, President Bush proved that he is in league with Satan, by saluting the Prince of Lies during the Parade.

The official explanation is that the Satanic salute, popular among Heavy Metal bands in Scandinavia, just happens to be similar to the "Hook 'em "Horns" salute popular among fans of the UT Longhorns.

I grew up near the Italian neighborhood of my city, and the gesture Bush is making looks suspiciously like the "Horns of the Devil" curse to me.

Can you say Sign of the Beast?

For those of you who liked Jib Jab's first two parodies, here's their third.

I like it better than the second, but not as good as the first.

Q: What would be the Liberal reaction be to the crucifixion of Christ?

A: Concern that public funds were being used for religious purposes, and for starting a slippery slope to a Roman Christian Theocracy.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted
a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're 30 feet above sea level. You are at
31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea
what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where
you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
then you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before
we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."

That's old. Substitute "Engineer" for Democrat, and "Marketeer" for Republican, and that's the way I first heard it.

First time I ever heard it.

My friend just forwarded this to me:

An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. Why heck, we just here recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work." 

Too old and too true.

Stem Cell Research: Because Children are our greatest natural resource.

Fun with stereotypes

I mentioned the latest issue of The Onion in the RM humor section. It also contains the follwing story:

New Dad Thinks Baby Might Be Gay

According to Oebrick, Michael is fussy during meals and picky about his clothes. When he hurts himself, he "cries like a baby." Additionally, the toddler has a "very strong attraction" to a stuffed lion with a rainbow-striped mane, an apparent preference for bottle-feeding over breastfeeding, and an evident love for bouncing up and down in his jumper device "like some guy at a club."

.......

Oebrick said he first began to worry about Michael's sexual orientation when the boy was two months old.

"He would giggle constantly," Oebrick said. "And he had a very weak handshake."

.......

Oebrick's worries were renewed last month during a Memorial Day cookout, when Michael "seemed too interested in my buddies," staring at them for long intervals.

"My friend Ben was bouncing Michael on his knee, and he was giggling and drooling like crazy," Oebrick said. "That didn't bother me so much, but when Ben put him down, Michael started crawling after every other guy at the party, giggling and grabbing at their pants legs like crazy."

"It was like he was the belle of the ball," Oebrick said. "When Rob played peek-a-boo with him, he got so excited he actually wet his pants."

Okay, I'm not sure what the meaning is behind this one, but I'm guessing it's a jab at how the Supreme Court, as compared with the Legislative and Executive branches of the govt., is more secretive and less public?

Of course, the bit about the General and Unwinnable war in the upper right corner of the main page had me laughing out loud.

They must have removed that story from the main page, but there was another funny one about a suicide bomber who was killed before he could reach his target....by a car bomb planted by another terrorist. A tragedy.

Got theis by email. They're already done in all caps so that's how I'm presenting them here.

=============================================================

Bumper stickers with a message

These bumper stickers were compiled by Jerry Paull, a former Methodist minister in Lakeside, Ohio, who writes: The following actual bumper stickers are now on cars. I didn't write any of them. I'm only the messenger. If they make you laugh, good. If they make you cry, good. If they make you angry, that's good too.

BLIND FAITH IN BAD LEADERSHIP IS NOT PATRIOTISM

IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION

IF YOU SUPPORTED BUSH, A YELLOW RIBBON WON'T MAKE UP FOR IT

POVERTY, HEALTH CARE & HOMELESSNESS ARE MORAL ISSUES

OF COURSE IT HURTS. YOU'RE GETTING SCREWED BY AN ELEPHANT

BUSH LIED, AND YOU KNOW IT

RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM: A THREAT ABROAD, A THREAT AT HOME

GOD BLESS EVERYONE (No exceptions)

BUSH SPENT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY ON HIS WAR

PRO AMERICA, ANTI BUSH WHO WOULD JESUS BOMB?

IF YOU SUPPORT BUSH'S WAR, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? SHUT UP AND SHIP OUT

FEEL SAFER NOW?

I'D RATHER HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO SCREWED HIS INTERN THAN ONE WHO SCREWED HIS COUNTRY

JESUS WAS A SOCIAL ACTIVIST - THAT IS A LIBERAL

MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE

IS IT 2008 YET?

DISSENT IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PATRIOTISM -- Thomas Jefferson

DON'T BLAME ME. I VOTED AGAINST BUSH -- TWICE!

ANNOY A CONSERVATIVE; THINK FOR YOURSELF

VISUALIZE IMPEACHMENT

HEY BUSH! WHERE'S BIN LADEN?

CORPORATE MEDIA = MASS MIND CONTROL

STOP MAD COWBOY DISEASE

GEORGE W. BUSH: MAKING TERRORISTS FASTER THAN HE CAN KILL THEM

KEEP YOUR THEOCRACY OFF MY DEMOCRACY

DEMOCRATS ARE SEXY. WHOEVER HEARD OF A GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT?

ASPIRING CANADIAN

CORPORATE MEDIA: WEAPONS OF MASS DECEPTION

DON'T CONFUSE DYING FOR OIL WITH FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM

STEM CELL RESEARCH IS PRO LIFE

HATE, GREED, IGNORANCE: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

HONOR OUR TROOPS; DEMAND THE TRUTH

REBUILD IRAQ? WHY NOT SPEND 87 BILLION ON AMERICA?

FACT: BUSH OIL
1999 - $19 BARREL
2006 - $70 BARREL

THE LAST TIME RELIGION CONTROLLED POLITICS, PEOPLE GOT BURNED AT THE STAKE

I'LL GIVE UP MY CHOICE WHEN JOHN ROBERTS GETS PREGNANT

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS; IMPEACH BUSH

HOW ON EARTH CAN 59,411,287 PEOPLE BE SO DUMB?

"BUSH SPENT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY ON HIS WAR"

I know for a fact that my social security was not spent on his war. How do I know that? Because Clinton already spent it on the war on drugs.

... no price is too high when it comes to spreading Democracy!

Oh, that's a great line

What comic said that one?

G.W.

George Wills?

G.W. the Great Liberator.

since, political humor is closed...

so I'll post it here so they can be moved to Political Humor II: Laugh, Stock, and Barrel

Rejected methods to prove Saddam Hussein guilty

- Make him where OJ’s black leather gloves
- Place some of his DNA in Michael Jackson’s bed
- Accuse him of murdering Jon Benet Ramsey


Rejected methods to execute Saddam Hussein

- Send him on a 3 week long cruise on Carnival
- Push him between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump
- Let Nintendo fans try out their new Wii Gulf War games with him in the room
- Make him use a Dell Laptop… on his lap
- Make him wait in line to buy a PS3

and when you move it, change where oj's glove to wear...

Cheney decided to use a bigger gun when going bird hunting

Political goof:

When WWII broke out in Europe, America was selling steel to Japan. On December 7, 1941...Japan bombed Pearl Harbor with bombs dropped by planes....items made from steel

that doesn't compare with what Britian did selling the engine that powered the MiG 15

Something you'll never hear...

Sarah Palin: "And now for something completely different."

Democratic VP commercial: "...and try my new cereal: Biden-O's, made with 100% whole grain Obama!"

New information on President Obama's dog.

This dog is secretly Muslim/Jewish. The dog's Kenyan/Portuguese grandmother said so. The dog was born on a kibbutz in Jerusalem. But was raised in a Muslim obedience school. The administration refuses to release this dog's birth certificate. The dog's previous owner was a pastor who hated white dogs. Fox News has video of the dog's mother barking the word "whitey" in a mostly black kennel. This dog is only half-black. The other half is white. This dog has no executive experience. There is another ••••• from Alaska that should have been sent to the White House. This dog "pals around" with terriers. Limbaugh wants this dog to fail. This dog will not stimulate the economy, it will only scratch it. This dog peed on a Ford executive. This dog chews on teleprompters. This dog understands that "waterdogging" can be torture. This dog is already nothing but an international celebrity. This dog rolled over and played dead in front of the King of Saudi Arabia. Yet this dog refused to lick the hand of Carla Bruni. This dog insulted Queen Elizabeth's corgis by daring to sniff them. This dog is not post-partisan. Only 3 Republicans supported this dog. This dog teabags itself. This dog is not really a dog after all. It is a dogbot. This dog is just an empty doggie suit.

George Bush will now say anything you want.

Sometimes this stuff just writes itself

Protesters who attended Saturday’s Tea Party rally in Washington found a new reason to be upset: Apparently they are unhappy with the level of service provided by the subway system.

Rep. Kevin Brady called for a government investigation into whether the government-run subway system adequately prepared for this weekend’s rally to protest government spending and government services.

Head explodes.

So the people protesting big government were unhappy that government wasn't big enough?

Brian, the link doesn't work for me.

...Yo Luigi, I'm happy for you and imma gonna let you finish but I just got to say that Beyonce had the greatest political forum of all time!

Luigi, try this

http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2009/09/16/tea-party-protesters-protest-dc-metro-service/

I dunno what the hell to make of this.

Reminds me of the '04 election, when a local (rather left leaning) radio station made some custom condoms that they gave out when people came to register. You had the choice of "F*** Bush" or "F*** Kerry". You know, depending on who you didn't support.

Couldn't decide whether to put this here or under Comic Books:Comic Strips, but decided this was more appropriate.

The Intricate Mechanics of Government

I don't know how I missed this for an entire year, but in May 2009, Wanda Sykes was the featured entertainer at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

Funny stuff. I could've done without her remarks about Bristol Palin, but her remarks about Rush Limbaugh were caustic as all hell, and very well-deserved.

I just came across an article called 5 Things to do After Killing Bin Laden.

It was okay, but what really got my imagination turning in a perverse direction was the title. It sounded like the title of a grocery list, or maybe one of David Letterman's Top Ten lists.

I invite everyone to contribute their own.


10. Clean out the fondue pot for the big We Killed Bin Laden party.

9. Sell all that stock in duct tap and garbage bags that we bought after listening to John Ashcroft.

8. Perfect our Barack Obama voice so that we can call George W. Bush and go, "Neener, neener, neener!"

7. Go with a friend to the Al Qaeda recruitment office, which is now looking for a new leader, tell them we have military experience, and sign up with the names Major Woody and Private Parts.

6. Go to a gift shop and buy one of those T-Shirts that say, "I Shot Osama bin Laden in the face and all I got was this crummy T-Shirt".

5. Contact the Pakistan Military Academy, which is their equivalent of West Point, and which is located just a kilometer from bin Laden's hideout, and ask them if they'd be interested in being cast in the upcoming Police Academy remake.

4. Apologize to Satan for ruining his place's reputation.

3. Have the authorities pick up Gary Condit, whose name was knocked off the headlines by the 9/11 attacks, and say to him, "Now where were we....?"

2. Paint bin Laden's corpse orange with white and black stripes like a clownfish so that he'll be able to blend in with Nemo and Marlin.

And the number Thing to Do After Killing Bin Laden is.........

1. Call up every Republican candidate for the 2012 election and laugh at them.

With the recent revelations about California's ex-Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's infidelities, and his fathering a child with a member of his housekeeping staff, if I was a radio talk show host (and I sure wish I was one now), I'd play this song every time I spoke of Schwarzenegger.

America's Facebook Page

Warning: Potential Paywall, Potential DNA sample request.

The most humorous political thing I saw today was Trump's team announcing a 'Big Press Conference at the Four Seasons', the Four Seasons Hotel quickly tweeting that they were NOT hosting it, Trump deleting his tweet when they realised they'd accidentally booked a landscaping supply company's parking lot (called Four Seasons), then postponing the Press Conference by 30 minutes (because it was 30 minutes further away than the Hotel) and finally being told halfway through that 'all the networks' were announcing Biden had won!
Pure Schadenfreude!

Think Republicans but without Trump....

Google "Peter Dutton" if you want someone scary...