This put me on the floor:

"Look! It's Full Metal Curly!" I don't know why, but I lost it there.

Actually, I lost it as soon as John Carradine sang "Night Train to Mundo Fine". This occurs in a prologue, where "Guest Star" John Carradine relates an interesting story (kaff kaff) to a young reporter, and then sings the song.

This movie made absolutely no sense. From what I could piece together of it, Coleman Francis is a convict that bumps into two characters that I'll refer to as Gomer Pyle and the ex-Bowery Boy, while on the lam. The three form an extremely unexplicable bond of friendship, and run off for some mad plan of earning money by joining what appears to be an "Overthrow Cuba for Fun" movement. However, they have been conned into thinking this cheap-as-Ed Wood movement will pay money by Cherokee Jack, who is played by a Buddy Hackett lookalike. The three fly through "stormy weather" (snicker snicker) to umm...somewhere, and after ten minutes of training (in which we have another inexplicable scene in which Coleman Francis starts choking Bowery Boy for some reason--it is never addressed again), they go off to Cuba. Fidel Castro and his four guards defeat the six-man invasion team, and the Three Stooges surrender without a fight. In prison, Coleman watches as the invasion team is executed in unsuspenseful death scenes, and decides to escape. Refusing to take along a wounded man, the Three Stooges dash to an airplane, but as they get in, Cuban soldiers chase the plane.

But then, thanks to a horrible jump cut, the three are somewhere in...umm...Cuba or...umm...Florida, or somewhere, where they meet an old crusty restauranteur who serves frog legs, and his daughter, who is withdrawn from reality. For no reason whatsoever, Coleman grabs the old man, and throws him down a hole. The Three Stooges then steal the car, and drive off to a trainyard. They hop a train in a pointless scene, and get off at a junkyard. There, Coleman beats up Gomer Pyle for Gomer's cheap ring, which he uses to buy a truck from a brain-dead junkyard owner. They then drive off to the home of the wife of the wounded man back in Cuba (which they apparently know about). Talking to the woman, the Stooges find that the woman knows of some tungsten mine out in the mountains that will make some money. Stopping at a grocery store for who knows what, the Stooges are spotted by law enforcement agents who appear to be STILL looking for the escaped Coleman Francis. A posse is formed, and this spooks Coleman, so he shoots the woman. Gomer and Bowery Boy surrender to the posse, and a Phil Silvers lookalike stops by to pick up the dead woman. The Bilko wannabe then takes the body home, where the wounded man has just arrived back. But we don't care about him--we see Coleman running until he falls down, as apparently he has been shot. The posse then close in on him, as the movie mercifully ends.

I had no idea who Coleman Francis was before seeing this. Now, I wish I never knew who he was.

Reall really bad. I've seen vacation video with more cohesion. A low manned raid on Cuba sends Griffin and pals off on a wild escapade that leads basically nowhere, things happen, and cut scenes move at the speed of light. Loved the classic American soldier is executed and later appears as a Cuban guard.

Memorable lines include:

"Guard...thirsty....water..man's got a fever."

"Yeah, I'm Cherokee Jack."

"Men, we're ready to shove off..."
"You shove off!!"

Funny thing...I actually broke down and gave Coleman a dollar for coffee the other day.

This one really started appealing to me now:

"Guard?" (spoken in VERY thick New York accent, so it's more like "Gawd?")
"It's me, Margaret!"

What really puts me on the floor though is when the soldiers march off as the film is double exposed.

Yeah, all seven or so of 'em. :>

I always wished they'd picked this film to put in the MST3K movie. It's so totally plausible as a device to break people's spirits and crush their will...

Kerriem, the reason they didn't choose this one for the movie was because they didn't want to crush the spirits of several potential new fans as well. The movie was my first exposure to MST3K, and I'm not sure I would have become a fan if they had used this rather than This Island Earth. After I've seen some, I could take it. Anyway, This Island Earth is more like the traditional B movie, a cheesy SF plotoid with lousy special effects and wooden acting.

I just saw this episode for the first time today. What exactly was going through Coleman Francis's mind as he was making this piece of ****? And more importantly, what were the other actors thinking? Were they THAT desperate for money?

My favorite lines:

Mike: Maybe if I put on my wig...

Mike emulating John Carradine: I'll keep walking and eventually they'll stop filming me...

Servo: Boy, they don't call John Carradine 'The Voice' for nothing!

Hey man, I hear ya. This was the first (and worst) film I saw from the Francis trilogy. Nothing makes sense and everything leads to confusion. Actually, for less pain from Francis, see "Skydivers". For fun and more pain, see "Beast of Yucca Flats" (both MST by the way).


"I can't give you this ring. My dad gave it to me."

"I don't care if Moses gave it to you. Give me the ring."

*(actual Coleman Francis dialogue)

-More importantly, what were the other actors thinking?

If you look closely at the opening credits, it becomes a bit clearer: 'Starring Anthony Cardoza' (as the guy that gets choked, i think); and then, a bit later, 'Produced by Anthony Cardoza'.
In other words, he had a financial investment in the thing! (Maybe the pork futures weren't exciting enough?)
As for the rest of the cast...well...they do say that mass delusions can be very powerful. (Certainly everyone in the film behaves as if they think they're making a serious, powerful statement about ...whatever.) Either that or Coleman's a highly successful blackmailer in real life!

"Can I FINISH my story now?"

"The wild Curly provides food for other Curlys."

"The Master says you can't stay here!"

"Hey, is this that NIGHT TRAIN FROM MUNDO FINE?"

"Buford Pusser--Walkin' Dense!"

"Viva Cuba?"

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO?

Coleman Francis died in 1973 after his career of making terrible films came to an end with "Red Zone Cuba." He played the deliveryman in "This Island Earth."

The majority of the cast mainly appeared in Francis films or was only in "Red Zone Cuba."

Tom Hanson (Chastain) directed and produced "The Zodiac Killer", and is killed in that film.

The major exception, John Carradine, had a very long Hollywood career, and died in 1988. He was not the most choosy of actors, and appeared in a wide variety from the top ("The Grapes of Wrath", "Stagecoach") to um, "Red Zone Cuba." He played Dracula a lot in a lot of B pictures. He won the International Fantasy Film Award for Best Actor for his long career, and won an award from the Catalonia Film Festival for his movie, "House of the Long Shadows." He was the patriarch of the Carradine family (Keith, David, and Robert), and I recently saw him in "The Shootist", looking, yes, 100 years old.

MOVIE/TV REFERENCES MADE (probably incomplete--why don't you have a go?)

Ferris Bueller's Day Off--a Professor Buehler helped make the opening short.
The Godfather--"Now you're ready to rub out Sonny Corleone!"
Village of the Damned--the audience looks like the children from this movie
The Patty Duke Show--"He's got Patty Duke's dad in his contact lens."
My Three Sons--the theme is hummed when the shoes get a close-up.
The Fugitive--"Curly Howard as the Fugitive."
The Defiant Ones--"Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier are already in there."
Walking Tall--"Buford Pusser: Walking Dense."
Gilligan's Island--"Gilligan!"
The Best Years of Our Lives--I don't get the reference, but it's made when Cherokee Jack and his airfield appears.
Alive--"Isn't that a soccer team?"
A Few Good Men--"I can't handle the truth!"
Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.--referenced when the ratty military camp appears.
Full Metal Jacket--"Full Metal Curly!"
The Monkees--during the zig-zag charge on the beach.
The Guns of Navarone--referenced during the very cheap "mountain climb."
Battle of the Network Stars--also during the cheap mountain climb.
The A-Team--when Casto and his squad appear.
The Dick Van Dyke Show--"Laura Petrie: revolutionary."
The Jack Benny Show--The man with a sombrero is referenced as "Mel Blanc", and Blanc wore a costume like that on occasion on this show.
On Golden Pond--"The loons, Norman, the loons."
The Bridges of Madison County--"The Bridges of Madison Cuba."
Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show--the Cubans talk like the parents from this show.
Diff'rent Strokes--"Whatchoo talkin' about, Willis?"
Password--"Things you say to a guard, oh, oh, pass."
Green Acres--when they escape the cheap prison.
Havana--apparently "Red Zone Cuba" is better than this film.
Mary Poppins--That really long word is mentioned as the soup of the day in the restaurant.
Apple's Way--referenced when they throw the old man down the well.
The Mod Squad--referenced when they grab the train.
Shining Time Station--"He's going to kill Thomas the Tank Engine."
Bound for Glory--"This train was bound for glory."
Shaft--"Shaft did it better."
Dominick and Eugene--referenced when the two non-Curly idiots appear.
Manos: Hands of Fate--"The master says you can't stay here!"
In Cold Blood--when they drive up to the Chastain house.
Westworld--when the old-time sheriff appears.
Star Trek--"Scotty, beam us up."
Little Caesar--"Mother of mercy, is this the head of Curly?"

Pardon, but I think that was "Mother of mercy! Is this the end of Curly?" It sounds sort of like what they had at the end of episodes of the Adam West Batman.

Actually, you're both right - the reference is to 'Little Caesar', but the line is in fact "is this the end of Rico/Curly?!"

BTW, thanx for all the hard work, Annotator - I've been wondering about that 'loons' line for awhile now.

Is 'Chastain' a Spanish name? It sounds French to me. (Then again, they're both Latin languages, so I could be wrong.)

My favorite riffs come during the cafeteria sequence:

'My name is Death, I'll be your waiter.'

'I am the Dark Spectre of Food!!'

'The pie doesn't make you wanna kill yourself, want some?'

'We've got a lovely Oktoberfest frog leg.'

"That's my daughter." -'She's wed to the Devil.'

And finally, Crow summing it all up as the sequence ends:'Y'know, the freeway might not be the problem.'

I also love Servo's riff as the camera pans across Coleman & Co. in the Cuban prison: 'I think this whole 'Ugly American' thing is really unfair, don't you?'

No kerriem, I think Chastain was some ethnic Cuban sounding name that Coleman picked from the air to add some credibility to the film.

It didn't work....

If it weren't for the great lines, this film would've blown. Some of my faves are:

"I hardly endorse throwing her down the well..."
-(referring to blind daughter)

"It turns out Coleman's a natural grievance counselor."

"Sergeant Justine, I want you to call me Lieutenant Vivian."

(zoom in on Mrs. Chastain)
"Ah, another cheery Coleman Francis character..."

"What was wrong with the car? We had a perfectly good car!!"

I also do a killer Carradine...Night train to Mundo Fine. What a great song!!

Oh boy. Couldn’t you just grab Coleman Francis and shake him until his teeth rattle (or alternatively, until his brains fall into the correct formation instead of the garbled version he had when he made these movies)?! I couldn’t imagine he could make a worse film than Skydivers – how wrong I was!

I began to wonder if Coleman had learned all he knew about film-making from Hal Warren. This film certainly had the Manos touch to it – lots of jump cuts, wonky plot ... The scene that puzzled me most (especially on second time of viewing) was why, when Curly had already thrown a guy down a well for no apparent reason (and later shot the leg-guy’s wife just because he was peeved, apparently!), Curly meekly buys a car from the junkyard, depriving Tony of his favourite ring in the process! Why not just brain the ‘salesman’ and steal a car? I can’t imagine he got a sudden burst of honesty for a few hours!

Loads and loads of great lines from this one:

“John (Carradine) makes Keith Richards look dewy.”

“It’s Petey the Plane!”

“I hope he’s here to brief us on the movie.”

“Hour after hour of heart-pounding small talk.”

“Maybe twenty-five minutes of training wasn’t enough.”

Mike: “Well, we just went up this rope, but once more can’t hurt.”
Crow: “This movie has the courage to unabashedly repeat itself.”

(Castro writes a note to himself) “Get real beard.”

Coleman: “Bay of Pigs.”
Tom: “That’s what they say when I go swimming.”

“Ah, coffee, a Coleman Francis motif.”

“My father was a can-opener and my mother was a wood duck.”

“The legendary singing Buick!” (this was my favourite line from the movie – I was giggling so much I couldn’t write it down for several minutes!)

“The train riding sequence was omitted for clarity.”

“Ah! My neck got broke in that jump cut!”

“I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said, ‘I just don’t know’.”

Coleman: “Got something cheap?”
Crow (as salesman): “I have a nail I can sell ya.”

“I tell you, if my mood picks up any more I might not even kill myself.”

“Somewhere behind that tree there’s a scene happening!”

“Woodstock III draws a slim crowd.”

“This is a really stupid use of a split screen!”

Come to that, I suppose he wasted a lot of honesty bargaining with Cherokee Jack, too. (Then again, it's entirely possible that his pilot-sidekick didn't know the way to Cuba!)
Sigh. Confusing and contradictory character development: Just one more reason to wonder why Ed Wood is famous and Coleman Francis isn't.

This is a video I can watch over and over again ... and the plot never gets any clearer!

More great lines:

Platform Posture and Appearance
Narrator: “Having your shoes shined ... will make you feel better.”
Tom: “Plus the polish gets you high.”

Narrator: “Be sure to wear a clean shirt.”
Crow: “Be sure to get a brand new chin.”
Narrator: “Be sure your hair is neat and clean.”
Crow: “Make sure your part is gouged into your skull.”

I showed this video to my boyfriend a few weeks ago. He loved both the short and the movie but rang me a few days later to complain that he’d had to make a presentation to some very important people that morning and had spent most of the time trying not to giggle after he’d suddenly found himself thinking, “Should I put my hands on my knees and rotate them?”!

RZC
“John Carradine! Was he always a hundred years old?”

“Well, this film wastes no precious screen time with a plot.”

Landis: “I thought I heard something in the back of that truck last night.”
Crow (as Landis): “But I was too lazy to turn my head and look.”

“I had to finish smoking before I could find that amusing.”

“Shut up, everyone! He’s gonna tell the Dirt and the Drainpipe story!”

Joe: “I wanna give you some idea of what to expect.”
Mike: “There’s eighty thousand of them and seven of us.”

[I have to ask: is it always that light in Cuba at midnight? Joe said they’d be landing at midnight, but the moon must have been so bright that it was casting shadows!]

“Night Train to Drop the Jeep Off.”

“The StinkyStank Redemption!”

“Oh, thanks, now I’m dying and I have paint on my face!”

“Actionlessness!”

“Nothing’s happening so fast!”

“Look up there, it’s smelly Kelly in his heli.”

But the best bit of the video has to be the Bouncy Upbeat Song:

Tom: Oh, whenever I want to cry and bawl because I’m feeling sad,
------ I think of ironing boards and drywall and then I don’t feel so bad.
Crow: Whenever I’m feeling down and blue and sorry for myself,
------- I get some staples and some glue and I’m happy as an elf
Mike: Whenever I start to mope and pout and there’s nothing left in my soul,
------ I check the toilet paper and if we’re out, I buy another roll!
Gypsy: Have you ever touched a PostIt Note? Have you ever looked at boots?
------- Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you ever used a paper clip?
Crow: So if you listen to our advice,
Tom: And you wanna feel terrific,
Gypsy: Do things that make you feel nice,
Mike: I wish we could be more specific!

WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY?

Here's a great review of the un-MSTed version. V. funny.

Wherein we learn that Our Heroes are actually told about the 'Free Cuba' movement from the gas-station attendant, making that plot point at least a touch more coherent; and the scene with Coleman advancing on the blind daughter is in fact pursued to its, uh, logical conclusion.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go fervently kiss the Brains' feet in gratitude for leaving that little treat out...