(Three horsemen ride onto the screen)
“I guess this is only three quarters of an apocalypse.”
“The good, the bad, and the guy who – let’s say – has a great personality.”

“Establishing Shot – The Motion Picture.”

“Judging by the sound effects, they’re either in Mexico or the Congo.”

“This is one really low energy game of Hide and Seek.”

“Why is it never slow-sand, only quicksand?”

“Little early in the movie to ride off into the sunset, but okay.”

Enrique: “Speaking of disappearing ...”
(as Enrique): “... has anyone seen my accent?”

(Jimmy finds his staff missing and scratches his head)
(as Jimmy): “Oh no, I didn’t kill them in my sleep again, did I?”
(He finds a note pinned to the door)
(as Jimmy): “Oh no, a Dear Juan letter.”

Jimmy: “The men are gone, Felipe.”
Felipe: “Without a word?”
Jimmy (handing him the note): “They left a few.”
(as Jimmy): “And some emojis.”

“What is she looking around? Who cranes their neck to see the wide-open spaces?”

(Sarita urges her horse forward)
(as Sarita): “Come on, Future Glue!”

(as Sarita): “Invisible man on a horse, have you seen Jimmy?”
(as horse): “Actually I’m just a horse, but I get that a lot.”

“That’s a lot of suspenseful music for two horses and a stick.”

“Visit scenic wherever-this-place-is!”

“They’re looking through the script to make sure there actually is a beast in the movie.”

(as Jimmy): “I came here to kick butt and chew bubblegum, and bubblegum hasn’t been invented yet.”

(Enrique falls onto a red and white striped cloth)
“Aww, he crushed Waldo!”

(Enrique smashes items on a table)
(as vendor): “My Etsy products!”

(Jimmy punches Enrique repeatedly)
(as Jimmy): “For the last time: Coldplay .. Isn’t ... That ... Bad!”

“If that vase had hit him, he’d be Clay Achin’.”

Pedro: “He wants to buy your ranch.”
(as Pedro): “He has reason to believe there’s a rich vein of dressing underneath.”

Felipe: “The telegraph operator is Enrique’s cousin.”
(as Felipe): “We all are. It’s a small town.”

“Are those seashells on his jacket?”
“I think you mean ‘yes-shells’.”

“But before that, the thrilling bank loan application scene!”

“Skulking wear by Marc Jacobs. Just because you don’t want to be seen doesn’t mean you can’t look good.”

“Another case where the shushing is louder than the original noise. #NotAllShush”

Panchito: “Papa!”
(as Panchito): “Don’t preach!”

“There goes a brave, stupid, probably drunk man.”
(as Panchito): “Better go change my Facebook status to ‘orphan’.”

Jimmy: “Well, a date in a graveyard makes a guy wonder.”
Crow: “Unless it’s Tim Burton.”

Sarita: “Please sit down.”
(as Jimmy): “Grave-sitting? You’re so punk!”
Sarita: “It’s all right. It’s my Aunt Maria’s.”
Jimmy: “Don’t you think she’d mind?”
Sarita: “Oh, no. She loved me very much.”
Jimmy: “Well, if she doesn’t mind, I don’t.”
(muffled, as Aunt Maria): “I mind! Get this gringo off me!”

Sarita: “It’s just, you’ve had so much trouble.”
Tom: “Right here in River City.”

Sarita: “There’s only one way this can end.”
(as Sarita): “With your princess in another castle.”
Sarita: “Please don’t stay, Jimmy.”
(as Jimmy): “Fine. Well, let me tell you, there’s a lot of other pretty ladies with dead aunts and evil fiancés out there. And they won’t care that we’re halfway through and we still haven’t seen the beast of Hollow Mountain!”

Panchito: “My father did not come back from the swamp!”
Jonah and the Bots (dramatically): “Second act twist!”

(Jimmy and Felipe search the swamp)
“Was Pancho really worth four wet socks?”

Jimmy (pointing): “Look!”
(as Jimmy): “That was Pancho’s favourite arm!”

“We join the film’s wrap party, already in progress.”

Pedro: “Your hand is like ice.”
(as Pedro): “Let me guess: Ice Bucket Challenge?”

(as Sarita): “I can’t believe I have to marry Prince Humperdinck. Wait, what movie is this?”

Margarita: “Your wedding dress – aren’t you going to put it on?”
Sarita: “Jimmy will have to decide that.”
(as Margarita): “Jimmy’s wearing it?!”

(as the beast): “Sorry I’m late to the movie. Traffic was nuts.”

(Long distance shot of the cattle stampede)
“Oh, the cattle must have got a restraining order against the cameraman.”

(The cattle run into the town)
“Rock Ridge cannot catch a break!”

(as Panchito): “Which way should I go? Do I follow the scary brass music or the gentle beckoning flutes?”

Tom (singing to the MST intro music): “But the cowboy didn’t like him, so he shot him in the face!”
Crow: “Ooh, meta!”

(Jimmy grabs Enrique’s hand and hauls him onto his horse)
“Uber pick-ups of the Old West!”

(The beast drops the obvious model of Enrique, then appears to look awkwardly towards the camera)
(as the beast): “Uh, that’ll cut together, right?”

(Jimmy runs towards the swamp)
Tom (in a girly voice): “This is where the fish lives.”
[I almost fell off my chair laughing at that classic line from ‘The Touch of Satan’!]

“I never thought I’d make this complaint, but how much longer are they gonna drag out a scene of a cowboy rope-swinging in front of a T-rex?”

With a comical sidekick character named Pancho, it's kind of disappointing that there weren't any Cisco Kid riffs.

Speaking of which, why is Sarita so dead set against Pancho working for Jimmy? Doing some honest work seems a far better situation than him getting hammered off his massive hinder.

Three horsemen ride onto the screen

One waits for a joke and punchline.