Someone on the TOS MiSTings said we should have a board for the continung soap opera between James and rachgd. So… here it is!

How appropriate that it's in the Kitchen Sink of Love!

This should be interesting, even if it isn't even indirectly related to MST3K. Hey, this gives me an idea for a new section. HeHeHe!<----{Don't know why I had the menacing laugh, it felt good though :-)

I suggested it.

Bjackson: I thought a menacing laugh was like this... Muhahahaha!

So has anyone notified James & rachgd of their board yet?

Maintaining a dignified silence.

Do I have to pretend I'm pregnant, now?

KAM, isn't it "Nya ha ha"?

For the record, I'm not pregnant.

rachgd: I believe the rules of a soap opera state that a character usually becomes pregnant when there is more than one man who could be the father.
(So fess up. Who's the other guy?) HeHeHe! Muhahahaha! Nya ha ha!

Well if Ccabe isn't pregnant, then his evil twin must be pregnant!

well, its not me.

Dammit Jim! I'm a actor, not a doctor, but I play one on TV!

Oh, no! KAM has discovered the secret of my tempestuous past! He must not live to tell James! It could ruin everything.
I'll make you pay, Keith Alan Morgan!

(Actually, I will, you know.)

[Bursting in]...

Oh NO! rachgd! Soon everyone will know about your history with Ccabe's evil twin! Now what will you do?

And, rachgd, you must be careful once everyone finds out, or it will take you nineteen years to win an Emmy award!

While the two of tem are occupied, I'll go and tell rachgd's secret to everyone! (Defying all statistical probablilities, James will be the last to hear because the writers wanted it that way.)

For those who missed the previous installments, the James & rachgd Soap Opera began on the Will Voyager *ever* get home? page.
By James on Sunday, May 30, 1999 - 01:24 am:

Rachgd, what a beautiful way with words you have, are you free for dinner sunday?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
By rachgd on Sunday, May 30, 1999 - 10:19 am:

JAMES. Now I'm blushing!
(And, it's already Sunday! I know. Pick, pick, pick.)

It continued on the Religious Musings: Chapter Eight page.
By James on Monday, May 31, 1999 - 09:32 pm:

Rach, everytime I read your posts, I see my own beliefs reflected much better than I could express my self in words. Yesterday(as I was waiting for you at dinner:=) the 'in God's image" argument was
one of the things I was going to post here, as are most of the other points you expressed so eloquently. TY
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By blushing rachgd on Monday, May 31, 1999 - 11:30 pm:

James: I have no response to this. (And if you've been paying attention to my posts, you know how rare that is!) Thank you.
P.S. About dinner - you must have given me the wrong directions (eg. none!), otherwise...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
By James on Wednesday, June 2, 1999 - 01:26 am:

Blushing Rach, Mine were honest postings, cept the dinner thing :=) , unfortunately I have a feeling you are far, far away from Las Vegas. But if you are ever in town, call me and we can discuss the evil
of mankind over dinner.

Then onto the A Stemmed Tide page.
By James on Tuesday, June 8, 1999 - 01:38 am:

(edited for space) Sorry if this was rambling, I am sleepy, rachgoddess did explain one of Homers rants on another board in a much more appetizing way!!!!!!!!! ummm ty Homer and Ty Rachel
gnite all fairdinkum lol (that one I know)
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By bewildered, yet delighted rachgd on Tuesday, June 8, 1999 - 11:19 am:

James!

And also onto the MiSTings: Star Trek: TOS page.
By James on Tuesday, June 8, 1999 - 01:01 am:

James(as Kirk) damnit ......Spock.... I found her........... the clues ....are all there......Rachgd...... Rachel Goddess.........so obvious......found her,,,, founder.........Spock???????? We will have ......the tacos...... to go........where.........
(I've been there before but would love Rachel to join me)
(bows) ty very much, the above overacted and possibly dull and irrelevent posting is a result of absoluting loving rachgd's thoughtful posts and of being in this room too much. :=) shoot em now Shoot em now!!!!!!! man I love that
wascally wabbitt, apololgies, I am tired and the pain meds are kicking in.....
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By rachgd, smiling on Tuesday, June 8, 1999 - 11:24 am:

James! Again!

And now we continue with today's episode of AS THE BOARD TURNS!

Ccabe's evil twin has kidnapped James!!! I testified against his mobster family, which, for some reason, he thought was a betrayal, and this is how he takes his revenge!

Da, da, da, dum!

***Commercial Break***

Muhahahahahahahaha! Huhahahahahahahahahah!

[Standing alone in rachgd's kitchen]

Good! She's gone! Now I can find rach's secret taco recipes and open my own taco stand!

[starts searching drawers and cookbooks]

Unhand those cookbooks! i am the protector of all crunchy Mexican type foods!

*Slips in to the kitchen while Tacoman and Scott are busy*

Ha ha ha! Now I will have the taco recipes and drive them all out of business! Say, I wonder if she's got General Martok's favorites?

*Grabs the cookbooks and dashes out. She does not, unfortunately, have General Martok's taco recpie.*

Of course she doesn't have General Martok's Taco Recipes. Those are posted in the DS9 Sink.

-snicker-

*Steals the secret spices*

You can't do it without these!

*Runs off*

<Rap Music>....
"We are doctors and we like to wear white,
Especially when we cross the street at night!"

<voice over>
Have you ever been attacked by a gang of doctors? Well, if you have, then you need...

THE DOCTOR CLUB! Yes, the DOCTOR CLUB is guaranteed to keep away those nasty medical gangs!

Send your check or money order today!

Well, well it's time to split! :splitting into two people, one going after the thief, the other chasing Mr. Patterson: Luckily, i happen to know that the famed taco recepies are in fact locked up in a secret safety deposit box in an undisclosed location. Tacoman AWAY!

Curse you Tacoman!

[runs off to consult with Ccabe's evil twin]

Cc'sET, Tacoman ruined our plan! Now what do we do?

Protect this, Tacoman!

*Shoots Tacoman with a phaser. Tacoman falls to the ground, twitching.*

Now I have the taco recipes! None can stop me! I will take them to Fiji and make so much money that rachgd will beg me to let her join me!

*While on the boat to Fiji, decides to look at the cookbooks.*

What? These are just cupcakerecipes! Curse you, rachgd, for hiding the real stuff! I'll get you, and your little Tacoman too!

*A lifeboat detachs from the main liner and starts rowing for the mainland.*

Does The Chief know what's going on on this board?

My kitchen! What has been going on here?! Don't I have enough to deal with, what with the mysterious disappearance of James, Cc'sET, worrying about the retribution of the Chief, planning my vendetta against KAM...and now it looks like someone has tried to steal my precious taco recipes! (Fondles a key dangling on a chain around neck) They'll never find them! Never! And they'll all be in for a big surprise if they do!
Oh, it's all too much! If things keep going on this way I might just have to fake my own death.

fear not Rach, I am on the case though I must wear a mask to protect my identity because I might be a long lost relative to be revealed in a later episode [Or I might have a hideosly scarred face like Snake Eyes.]

[In CCabe's Evil Twin's hideout]
[BEGIN EXPOSITION OF EVIL PLAN]

Well, Ccabe's Evil Twin, although my plan to corner the taco market by using rachgd's secret Klingon Taco recipe, we can still salvage this! After all, we kidnapped James, and are still holding him hostage in a secret location!

Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

*A lifeboat pulls up on shore. A lone figure walks ouit and promptly gets hit on the head by a coconut.*

Ouch! *Passes out.*

*Wakes up.* Wha? Who am I? Why am I here? What are these cupcake recupes doing in my boat? I've gotta find someone to help me!

*Walks up to the first door, which happens to be rachgd's. Knocks.* Hello? Anyone home?

Wil Inspector Mystery find James?

Will rachgd realize that she's about to take in a dangerous man?

Will Scott and Cc'sET succeed in cornering the taco market?

And what is the secret about rachgd's taco recipe?

Find out next week on As the Taco Rotates.

Captain's log: Stardate, unknown:
I have managed to escape from Oxmyx and his gang.......... taco recipes should still be safe........ with Rachel,.... must warn her of KAM.... Klingon Bas****...... you will never kill our son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whereveryou are Rachel, however far I must travel, whatever evil I must overcome, however many phonecalls I must make to explain the ongoing plot, whomever stands in my way, whatever tripe they try to pass as the one true Taco recipe, I will find YOU Rachel.......

Sidebar, I always liked BWUHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA as a maniacal laugh. Back to my Search For Rachel. No evil twins, or demented superheroes, or hired announcers, or chiefs of boards, or Klingon Bas****s , or low nielsons, or recipe thieves will stop me from finding Rachel...............

Oh, my God! Are..are you alright, mysterious and enigmatic stranger? Perhaps I should call you a doctor, since you're bleeding from the head! Who are you?
What do you mean you don't know?
Why..are those my cup cake recipes?
Wha...
(Reels suddenly, as though stunned.)
What was that? I just had the oddest feeling, as though someone were in psychic contact with me. James? James, is that you?
But, something is not right. He seems to think that this is a science fiction show...not real life!
And how does he know about the crazed superhero, or Ccabe's Evil Twin, or the taco recipes, and who on earth is this Announcer he is babbling about? He's been locked away all this time!
I am officially confused.

But back to you, MAES...what are you doing with my cup cake recipes?

I… I… I don't know! The first thing I remember was waking up on the beach with a ship's lifeboat next to me and these cupcake recpes in my hand. I… I… aag! *Passes out due to loss of blood.*

Days have passed, am hallucinating strange persons, not sure who I am, I only kknow I must find Rachel, right after lunch that is, tacos sound good. Rachel and cupcakes, why am I haunted by her image? How can I find her? Who can I trust? where will I turn? Who am I? **amnesia**
RACHELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HA HA HA.. you thought you could stop me with a mere phaser device? well.. you got one of me. luckily, the other part grows back like starfish arms! Rachgd, perhaps we can... combine our powers and make cupcake tacos or taco cupcakes. and for the rest of you, just remember that a life of crime eventually leads to no good.
Tell me Rachgd, should i use my powers to restore their memories?
Tacoman AWAY!

"Holy Cow, Hamburgermeister! Tacoman's getting away! If we don't stop him he will continue his mad plan of making Taco's more popular than Hamburgers!"

"Fear not, Burger Boy, for I know where his secret base is. Even though he pronounces his name Ta-Co-Man, anyone from the State of Washington would see the spelling and prounce it Tuh-Coman, thinking he is really a resident of Tacoma, WA."

"Holy Heifers, Hamburgermeister. You're a genius!"

Hamburgermeister summons his flying car, the Purple Cow, they hop in and take off in cloud of methane.

Excuse me, hamburgermeister, but i'm a superhero protecting the taco. mayhaps we can form an alliance in order to stop those who would defame and steal our respective food sources and their recepies. and i would definitly rather see the purple cow then be it..

I would also be willing to share with you all the spices i know of that havn't been stolen yet.

Meanwhile, back to the soap opera...

[Scene - ScottN&CC'sET's secret location]

Allright James, we know you remember who you are! Where did you hide rachgd's copy of her secret taco recipe? If you don't tell me, I'll be forced to use .... THIS!

[ominous music, fade to black before we can see what ScottN is holding]

Oh no, anything but that! I'm afraid my powers can't help right now..

ScottN- If young Mr. Patterson could be turned to the darkside of the taco, he could be quite valuable to us. We shall discuss this later, after the comercial break.

Do you have problems with your evil laughter? Does it sound like Ernie on Sesame Street when you want to sound like Dr. Evil? We can help.

At the Evil Laughter Academy, we can teach you to laugh like anyone. Let's hear from one of clients.

Lex Luthor: I use to laugh just like Barney Fife, but listen to me now. Muhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

If you sign up now, we'll throw in the Buhahahahahahahahah! class at no charge.

A random prisoner in the yard: So, Ccabe, how did you get in the pokey.

Ccabe: This girl named rachgd ratted on me and my "family".

prisoner: So what are you going to do about it.

Ccabe: Not much, but my evil twin is going to make her pay and her little tacos, too! Buhahahahahahahahahahahah!

Did I hear someone needs swaying to the Dark Side?

Removes his hood, and attaches his lightsabre to his belt.

I'm not much for persuation, sooo....come to the Dark Side, pleeease!

So, found you again Burritoman. how shall i defeat you? and put that hood back on.. you look hideous!

Booga-booga!

Several small childrnen flee the area.

How you shall defeat me? I'm not at liberty to share that information.

Eats some spices.

You don't know what you're missing!

What he doesn't know is that i put some hemlock and other deadly spices in his spice rack..

I have those spices hidden away anyway, this is my backup Secret Spices shaker.

Dashes off

Until next time!

And now back to our regularly scheduled soap opera.

Will Tacoman become the secret lover of Rachgd? will this secret affair become a Jerry Springer Story? Will Ccabe and James beat the heck out of Tacoman when they get on Springer?

And what about...... Naomi?

(That's for those of you who watched "The Electric Company" as kids)

"Hello, Central Hospital? I have an emergency! A mysterious and enigmatic stranger just collapsed in my doorway!"
>Thinks<
And I find him strangely appealing...
But, no, I am forgetting James! Although, he has been out of town for at least three days. That's long enough for me to become interested in another, isn't it? Despite the fact that James has been kidnapped in response to my actions, and seems to be suffering from delusions and amnesia - and is, no doubt, about to be tortured by his misunderstood villain of a captor - as a result?
And who is this man in tights I keep dreaming about?
It is such a trial being the town psychic!
"Er, oh yes, Operator, I'm still here. So, are you going to come and pick this guy up so that one of your never-before-seen-but-obviously-brilliant-neurosurgeons can save his life using some controversial and dangerous new technique?
"Fine. See you after a few more dramatic interludes."

Tacoman, perhaps you and I should join forces, we would cover more ground in saving fair Rachgd.

*Moaning, in delirium*

Uh… rachgd… taco… spices… I'll make them pay…

*Shuts up and goes into cardiac arrest*

"Quick, he's flatlined! Get the defibrilator! Charge to 200. Clear!"

**locked in cell, bound and gagged, fearful of romantic sub-plots keeping Rachgd out of my arms, hmmmmmm overheard conversations mention a Taco man, mysterious and enigmatic sstranger, Dr. Mal Practice(gee, she looks alot like rach)**
If I can reach my signal watch I can send a message to.............................

"Leaping Longhorns, Hamburgermeister! Somebody's trying to contact you on your wrist radio!"

"Yes, I know. Hello?"

"Hello, sir. Are you happy with your long distance service provider? We here at MCTACO..."

Hamburgermeister breaks the connection. "Lousy advertisers."

How can I live La Vida Loco knowing rachgd is in danger?
Oh, well, maybe these thousands of screaming female fans can help me forget?

Ohhhhh, Rickyyyyyyy!

"Great Guernsey! The taco recipes aren't here! There's just this note addressed to you, Hamburgermeister!"

"According to this message, Tacoman claims to be a hero. If that's true, then it means one of my best operatives has lied to me!"

"Holy Holstein! Maybe Ccabe was just mistaken?"

"Oh, please, Burger Boy. Next you're going to be asking if he has some kind of evil twin."

"Yeh, that would be ridiculus."

"I think we're going to need help on this case. I'm going to call in Hamburger Pattie."

"Oh, we don't need any girl."

"Quiet! It was that kind of talk which started those rumors about Batman & Robin."

reality check, I admire rachgd's insiteful posts and charming and delightful sense of humor, never thought anyone else paid attention to my posts, this board is a hoot, and am happy it seems so popular. I very much hope that rachgd and I end up together in this story eventually, Meanwhile a friendly hug to Rachel, a buhahahah to KAM, a bite of a taco, and back to the regularly scheduled madness...................

Now that's an interesting plot twist. Now there's a Janes who's interested in rachgd.

You really have to be careful with typing around here or you can end up changing your whole sex.

Evil twin? well, If I did, at a guess it would be the evil Burritoman. Inspector Mystery, i accept your help. But first, I must free James from his his prision. Inspector, Hamburgermeister, I need your help in confronting Burritoman on another part of the board. I need all the good people I can get my hands on.

"Leaping Longhorns! What am I? Ground chuck? Why doesn't anyone ever remember MY name?"

"Because you're the sidekick, Burger Boy."

Yes, yes hello to you too, Burger Boy. now, who is this Hamburger Pattie Person?
and don't worry, there are times.. very few times.. when the sidekick is full remembered and looked upon.. or something like that..

Hmmm, I don't remember...

Who's that? How did you get in here? Oh, no!

(A gun shot rings out and KAM slumps down to the floor)

Hmm.. Professor Plum, in the Ballroom, with the Uzi.. oh.. wrong game.. sorry about that..

Well, Hamburgermeister & Burger Boy have left to help Tacoman on another board.

Will they return?

Does anyone want them to return?

These and other questions... may or may not be answered As The Board Turns And Gets Everybody Really Dizzy, well, every body that's still living, anyway.

arriving at the scene of the shooting
wait a minute.. this man isn't dead yet!
picking up KAM and raceing to the nearest hospital
Hopefully, the good doctors at Kevorkian Memorial Hospital should fix him up.

*Wakes up in hospital bed*

Unh… Rach… I owe you my life… If there's anything I can do for you, just say the word…

watching from the window
he should be alright now.
the irony is that not only did I rush KAM at
the same hospital that the stranger was at, but they happen to share the same room.
how's that for a plot twist?

Very interresting, very interesting indeed. The plot is starting to thicken so much its getting hard to move. I may have to call in my old friend , pro wrestler Rocky Austin.

ScottN this mellodrama must end. When we break out my brother from the Susal Lucci Correctional Facility it shall be the end of... Darn! I forgot the rest of my plan. Perhaps I shal think of something my Monday afternoon.

Now to locate the imprisoned James. glancing at my beeper
hmm.. it seems sometime ago he activated a signal watch, my hamburger friends were busy, so the signal came to me..
a little bit later well, this must be the place. now, to sneak past all the guards.. and.. James, James, are you there? It's Tacoman.

The best evil laugh is 'Mwahahaha'. By the way, there is no dark side of the taco...as a matter of fact, it's all dark (any Pink Floyd fans out there?)

Yes, MAES, there is something you can do for me! You can...
Who's is that evil laugh? "Mwahahaha!" I'd know it anywhere.
It is Megan, my childhood friend! She was swayed to the dark side. Infact, the side she was swayed to was so dark that she can no longer see the light!
Oh, Megan, it is so good to see you! (Hugs her) Megan, meet Mysterious and Enigmatic Stranger. MAES, this is Megan.
(Groaning is heard for the other side of the room.)
Who is your new roommate, MAES? (Goes to take a look). Oh, my, it is KAM! The same dastardly KAM that began all of my troubles. My life was quite calm and idyllic before you came along, Keith Alan Morgan!
(Reaches for the merrily-beeping, yet strangely incongruous, heart monitor)
Oh, James! My poor James. I do this for you!

/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_______________________________________

HeHeHe! Muhahahaha! Nya ha ha!

Foolish rachgd, it was I, Darth Morgan, who, disguished as my goody two shoes twin brother, who revealed the secret of your tempestous past, because I knew you would take revenge on Keith.

HeHeHe! Muhahahaha! Nya ha ha!

What is the nature of the medical emergency?

Wait a minute. This man isn't dead. Somebody just pulled the plug on his heart monitor. Now if they had pulled the plug on his life support equipment, that would be a medical emergency.

Curses! Foiled again!

(vanishes back into the shadows)

Tacoman? But I signaled for Mr. Burger and Bun Boy. Well I am in the mood for mexican food though. Is Rachel safe Tacoman? Ive been so worried she might come to harm from the evil people seeking her delicious taco recipes. Are you going to burn these bindings with your super hot and spicy taco sauce Tacoman? And where is your partner Taco Belle, the southern tex-mex wonder? Am I asking too many questions Tacoman? Just been in here alone so long, suffering delusions and halucinations, missing human contact, missing and worrying about Rachel, need a taco to regain my strength. What tacoman? oh yes, with sour cream please, thank you. We must find Rachel and beware of Dr Mal Practice , she may try to impersonate fair Rachgd in order to get her hands on the one true martaco recipe. Am i rambling Tacoman? Unsure how I arrived in this soap opera, I mean I was just flirting a little on the web ya know? Fairdinkum!!!!!! (battle cry of the taco protectors)

James, don't you know that in every soap opera, a little fairdinkum flirting leads to ten years of convoluted plot twists. I'm afraid to say that you've got yourself in it now, so you'll just have to clench your jaw, look manly and find Rach, where she languishes in a hospital room, beguiled by another.

Clenching jaw, striking a manly and heroic pose while wearing one of Tacomans spare capes. We will find our enemies, KAM, MAES, CCABEET, burritoman and their ilk and smite them. Smite em real bad. Rachel will be with me when this whole sorry soap opera reaches it's inevitable conclusion. FAIRDINKUM!!!!!!!!!
ummm you sure about the cape tacoman? oh, yeah. I like the secret pouches full of tacos, thanks.hmmmm our scene runs short Tacoman, until our next appearence then, Rachel, I live to be yours and share your tacos..........

(Dramatic gymnast flip onto the scene)

Oooh! Helloooo, James! Looking good in that cape, and a superhero to boot. Mind if I feel your muscle?

Come, James my friend. let us defeat the evil at the hospital and rescue your beloved rachel. Hello again, Pattie.
It seems you flirt with all superhero types.
how's this for muscle?
flexing until my muscules start popping up on other muscles

Don't be jealous, Tacoman.

(splits in two)

There's enough of me to go around.

Well, i can now see how the ability to spilt in two has its advantages..
going off into the distance with one of the Patties Yum, yum, yum..

*Wakes up. Notices Rachel.*

She's so beautiflul!' Im so glad I met her. I just wish I could remember who I am. I… I… my name is Matthew! Yes, that's it! Now if only I could figure out why I had yor cupcake recipes… Oh well. I need to rest. Goodbye, Rachel…

*Falls asleep, occasionally murmuring Rachel's name.*

I remeber my plan! I'll build a volcano lair and put a moon base somewhere, then... CURSES! That was the movie I went to see Saturday. I guess I'll do what I always do, try to prevent Rachgd and what's his name from finding true love, but only weekdays at 12 Eastern and Pacific, 11 Central and Mountain. Then do the same thing durring the Summer.

It would appear the the drink to make him forget his plans is working..

Quick, Ccabe's Evil Twin, drink this!

[hands CC'sET a bubbling drink]

It's the antidote to Tacoman's drink that made you forget your evil pans!

[CC'sET drinks]

[Fade to commercial]

Leapss into the thread once again and sneaks up behind th Tacoman.

*Smite®*

Ha-ha! I Smite® thee joyously!

*Smite®*s once again.

AAARRRGGG!!! lo, i am smited! I SHALL GET YOU BURRITO MAN!!
coughs and dies

Wait, Wait, i'm not dead yet...
Cough, cough..
James, you must protect this board from the forces of evil..
Tell Pattie that I..URk.. Urk.. LOve..Urk..Urk...
explodes in a spectular fashion

Worry not James, for I have brought reinforcements in the form of gen. Martok and his taco loving Klingon army.

HAR HAR HAR !!!
(Hides behind a wall of innocent tachyons.)

Freely douses himself in the Secret Spices.

Ha-ha, my fiendish foe Tacoman hath finally been defeated!

Rejoices.

Now the forces of Q, The Thief, and myself shall run amock without supervision!

(a dark region with a single bright light, and a voice that keeps saying, "Go in to the light.")

rachgd, is that you?

Has anyone told James of the child that is potentially his? Who is the mystery man who is the other contender for fatherhood. Or is Rachel a bit of bacteria who reproduces asexually and she's just playing games with us all? Or is she not pregnant at all and she's using this to manipulate James (a wealthy, if bewildered entrepreneur) into marriage...and then she'll have an affair with the man who comes in to clean the pool twice a week? And when will one of these scenes end with ominous music and someone looking off into the distance???

Suddenly the James & rachgd Orchestra started playing ominous music while Megan stared off into the distance.

You have fought well Tacoman, long shall your heroism be remembered. With the help of Martok and the Klingon army I shall carry on as Taco James, and smite the evil ones who have smitten tacoman. WWOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH arriving at the hosital, hmmmm it is KAM and THE MAES, move towards the light kam , yes your battles are over, rest in the light. Hmmmm what is this? A laptop computer? I must email Rachel a personal message, I miss her lovely words, hpe she is safe from the evil smiters burritoman and the rest, rachels child is ours, and her past is the past, we shall live happily ever after, once we fight and smite our way out of this soappy board.......Geee honey we have our own orchestra too!!!!!!!!!! way cool FAIRDINKUM AND let fly the dogs of war, or something like that

KAM, come back! Do not die! (His heart monitor kicks in again, as the HoloDoc re-attaches it.) Oh, how could I ever have thought to harm you? You are not to blame for the state of uncertainty my life is in...I blame it all on...
(da da da dum!)
...Matthew Patterson! If I ever find him, he will become the focus of my somewhat irrational, and later quickly forgiven, revenge!
MAES, what is it? Is something wrong? Why did that news affect you so oddly?
And, Megan...I will not have another word to say to you until you stop standing behind me while we are talking! Will you please come back into focus?!
James...James...how could I have forgotten you, even for a second? Come and help me make sense of this crazy, mixed-up world!

Cue soft, dreamy music.

Focus on rachgd
Focus on Megan
Focus on KAM
Focus on Mysterious and Enigmatic Stranger
Back to rachgd
Back to Megan

Oh, this could go on all night!

***Commmercial Break***

RACHEL I am here, very much focused on rachgd. Are you online now? I am in the same room, just emailed you, been smiting evil ya know, can we ummm, talk about these other romantic interests you have found over the last few days?? Oh this is a private post so ummmmm all you others just ummm watch the commercial ok??? lol FAIRDINKUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, no! James has discovered the other men in my life?
What will happen now?
The suspense is unbearable....

(Hey, none of you were reading the above post from James were you? No? Well, good. That would have been rude, and this is a CIVIL SITE!
- So, was it a good commercial?)

And, hey, James - what are you doing up at this hour? You've had quite an ordeal of late, and you need your rest!
Doctor, doctor! Take this miraculously-rescued-by-I-know-not-whom man to ICU!

Just how did you get here to the hospital, mate?
Man, this room is filling up fast!

wow.. how did i get here? It seems to be a hospital room with everyone I know.. should I haunt, take over a body, or somehow reveal myself to my friends?

ScottN, Our plan is going according to plan. Let's do some manical laugther while the opening credits roll. Muhahahahahahahahah...[theme music plays]

Wait! What am I doing here in Ccabe's Evil Twin's secret hideout? The last thing I remember was going to a hypnotist show with Ccabe! It must have been his evil twin who hypnotized me into thinking I'm evil! Now what shall I do? Oh Woe Is Me!

hmm.. how to communicate with my friends.. hmm.. AH.. i have it!
using the handy laptop to type out a quick message to whoever looks at it next
and the message reads:
To whoever sees this,
this is the ghost of Tacoman writing. Believe it or not, i'm in this room with you. if you want me to, I can materalize somewhat.

Hmmm... It seems that a plot point got left out here...

While ScottN was maniacally laughing with Ccabe, he hit his head on the cabinet, leading to the incredibly obvious plot twist...

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Can I stop looking off into the distance now? I've got to study for my exams. By the way, whilst staring, I managed to obtain (by the same means that children in soap operas manage to age ten years while a conversation between star-crossed lovers lasting a week in real time is still not finished - fantasy means) a "how will it end" badge...or was that from another opera...a movie-length one??? (ominous music and all that jazz)

I read the two private posts.

Rachel, I would love to make sense of this world for you, but it is not possible, this a soap opera, therefore any sense is thrown out the window way before the first word is read. Suspension of disbelief is infinitely higher than any sci fi story or even any comic book hero. The 2 main things in a soap opera are #1. Dress up for no particular reason and talk about other charecters personal lives because you have no job or other interests(besides sex , which is with anyone at anytime) and #2 Talk on the phone as much as possible to bring the audience up to date on ongoing plotlines, oh and #3 And also amnesia, terminal illness, miracle cures, rapid aging in children, faked deaths, clueless law enforcement, cloning, plastic surgery worthy of Dr McCoy, alien abductions, lost treasures and lost loves, long drawn out tearful goodbyes and tearful reuninions, bad dialougue, bad acting, bad writing, slow story, friday afternoon cliffhangers, world counquering villains(anyone remember the Ice princess on General Hospital? lmao), racially stereotyped mob type figures, and unrequited love stories are normal everyday happenings in this soap opera world. Apologies for my shortcomings sweet rachgd, 'honey' was used in the spirit of this board. ........ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ am feeling dizzy , long flight, strange thoughts.....{passess out in Rachels arms from sheer exhaustion}------------------- [will this story continue? is Tacoman really dead? is pattie burger as juicy as she sounds? are Mr burger and Bun boy, well u know, not that there's anything wrong with that? Will everyone send me all your money in small bills, american, so Rachel and I may live happily ever after? will Meg be forgiven for reading a post that asked not to be read at the end? will this post ever end? was episode one worth the price of admission? isn't Star Trek just the coolest show(s)? chicken or egg? omnipotent, omniscient creator, or unknowable answers? paper or plastic? insiteful post or dull meandering sleepy idiot not knowing when to shut up and sign off?] zzzzzzzzz sleeeping in Dr Mallory Practice's hospital , hopefully under the watchful and caring eye of Rachel. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Who IS INSPECTOR MYSTERY

What? Don't you read the scripts?

Well, MAES, we'd like to relese you, but since you don't know who you are or where you're from, we can't. Unless someone would take you in… *Camera pans across to Rachel. MAES/Matthew and the Doctor both look at her speculatively.*

How's the weather in Santa Barbra?
(pause)
You don't say. Well, were in for some strange weather here in Misty City. I have an evil device that will make people change clothes each day, instead of wearing the same clothes for weeks at a time.
(pause)
Of course we take showers an baths, we just put on the same clothes we had on before when we get out of the shower. How else do we do the English Patient scene.
(pause)
That's the brilliant part of my plan. The people (including Ccabe's parole board) will be so distracted they will relase Ccabe and we will take over the City. Muhahahahahahah!
(pause)
Here's how you tell us appart. I laugh like this Muhahahahahahahah. My twin laugh's like this Buhahahahahahhahah. I have to go watch my tape of Titanic.
(pause)
No I don't have a crush on Leonardo. It was the result of a 100 million dolar evil plan. Muhahahahahahahahahah.

I think I'll set the clothier on lime green today. I need to go change clothes. I've worn this suit day every day for 2 weeks.

Nobody has noticed my message.. I must use my powers to get a body..
time to explain a little about Tacoman
You see, Tacoman is just a spirit, and he needs a body to fight crime. Usually, person at a hospital is picked, but in desperation, I can get any male.. yes, male, for the Man in Tacoman.
let's see if I can find a good body..
searching the hospital ah.. here's a good one..
letting the spirit of Tacoman inhabit the body
AH YEAH.. glad to have a body again. OF course, I'll have to find my friends and show them the new Me, of course..
finding the correct door and knocking Yeah, anybody order tacos or a Tacoman?

[Bursts into MAES's room]

Rachgd! I'm so sorry! Ccabe's Evil Twin hypnotized me and made me into a villain! I hope that the secret taco recipes are safe!

[looks at MAES in bed]
Who is this Stranger? He sure looks Mysterious And Enigmatic!

After a whole half year in biology I can say with certainty that the first true chicken came from the egg, but very chicken-like things immediately preceeded. It was worth the price of admission (even though I haven't seen it yet). Unknowable answers. (the orchestra strikes up and I stare into the distance)

It is now my job to find out which body tacoman picked. and since this is a soap opera {hmmmm, wonder where all the singing suds are.] It will take several days to find him so stay tuned.

If the good inspector wants to play a game, so be it..
yelling Hey, Inspector, here i am!
running away so he can find me

>Thinks<
Too much is happening! MAES needs a place to stay; ScottN is not a villain after all; Poor James has just passed out in my arms (and the Doctor WFTYTHGMS isn't doing anything!); I am sensing the spirit of Tacoman - and I'm afraid he is turning to the dark side!; Ccabe's Evil Twin somehow got a hypertext link; I need to find and be revenged upon the dastardly Matthew Patterson; Megan is up to her usual tricks (yes, Megie, my love, I know it's you! - fun, isn't it?); then there's KAM. Darth Morgan tried to kill him, remember? (Weird Kevorkian thing going on there, methinks); also, Inspector Mystery is not helping in the resolution of any mystery at all! (Appropriate name, then.) And he looks strangely familiar...
To top it all, I'm very worried about my precious, secret taco recipes!
Reels again. Feeling very dizzy. If I weren't still holding an unconscious James in my freakishly strong arms, I would faint as well!

Can't anyone help us resolve these many intermingled, perplexing and entirely too tangled plot threads?

No.

Why does Megan keep staring this way? Is she staring at me? No, can't be! What are the odds of finding a woman who's into Galactic Domination, crushing the masses under the heels of tyranny and long walks on the beach?
Maybe I'll walk over there and see if her eyes follow me?

Why are my eyes veering here there and everywhere except off into the distance in an out-of-focus way? They seem to be following some sort of shadowy, dark-sideish (??? Do we have to be able to spell to sing in this opera?) figure. All of a sudden I have a strange urge to dominate the Galaxy and crush the masses under the heels of tyranny. Of course, that would mean that I no longer have time for long walks on the beach because I'll have to spend all of my time keeping the plebs under control. Life could be tiring on the dark side.

Boy, what a big room!

Hey, are you guys all here to see me?

So, did anything interesting happen while I was out?

hello. I have experience in hypnosis in order to bring memories back. I heard there was a mysterious stranger who everybody wants to know who he is. Maybe I can help.

dun dun dun (foreboding orchestra music)
The hypnotist has arrived, but is it for the better? For this Doctor looks mysteriously like----{BANG BANG}

Uhh...dying...

aaaaaggggggghhhhhhhh.

{dies}

After 10 thousand days, I'm finally free. Time to conquer... Earth! But, first, I have to Pick up some tacos at Taco Bell and some more bateries for the Clothier. Also, I'll rename the the clothier, it sounds like a Cardassian tailor. I'll rename it the Clothinator, and set it on red backless numbers. Buhahahahahahahahahah. It's fun being a villan.

Ok.. we have several ways to hypnotize.. we can use the watch, we can use the sound of a voice.. or there are other useful methods..

Hmmm, Tacoman wants me to pursue him. I am up to the challange. Forsooth the game is afoot.I shall persue him relentlessly, and while I am at it I shall look for the evil shadowy figure who killed the annoucer it might be someone from my past perhaps perhaps not.

Hmm.. thinking should i reveal my true identity to all these people now, or wait until later?

Do you need to blow someone up? Or perhaps you need a supersonic rocket sled. Well, then you need to call the ACME corporation. For over sixty years, the ACME corporation has been delivering ACME products to our satified customers.

Wiley Coyote: Hello, my name is mud...

ACME, the leader in creative mayhem for over 60 years!

(Having got tired of waiting for the others to tell him what he's missed while in a coma, KAM has gotten a computer and is reading the Soap Opera board.)

Wow, how surreal.

Please, we have enough problems with reality around here without you adding more.

What kind of doctor are you, anyway? Don't you know that every soap opera worth its salt has six degrees of separation between it and reality? And furthermore, those who participate in this escapism (ie the viewers) have recorded higher levels of happiness than those who don't. There is something in this little piece of psychological trivia. So, Doctor, bring on the...um...non-reality, I say. Has anyone seen my purple boa?

(Hands Megan a purple boa constrictor)

Is this what you were looking for?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!
An explosion rocks the hospital, pro-life demonstrators have attacked the kevorkian memorial hospital, screaming "Life is sacred, how dare you let people die who can live longer , more painful lives, feel Gods love as you die in fire" Who lives, who dies? Who cares? I do not think James and rachgd were looking for a public forum, let them flirt at their own pace. Does anyone here actually know james or rachgd? I say let everyone die, except james and rachgd, they can live happily ever after without being spied on. THE END

Why is there a guy, wearing a straight jacket, running up and down the hallway yelling, "Boom"?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have something to announce. I am not Lance Pepperman, hypnotist, but in reality...removes mask TACOMAN!
I believe I ahsll explain myself at a later time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have something to announce. I am not Lance Pepperman, hypnotist, but in reality...removes mask TACOMAN!
I believe I shall explain myself at a later time.

*gasp*

There's two things I hate being upstaged by- Lybian Terrorists.

Alright.. now for the explanation.
I happened to notice that Burrito Man was approaching the room, so I made a quick clone of myself while I hid as Dr. Pepperman. It was the clone that bit the dust. The person Inspector Mystery is a person I found. The person will become himself again when someone says, in close range, "Tacoman, is that you?"

"Tacoman, is that you?"

-nothing happens-

*moves closer*

"Tacoman, is that you?"

-nothing happens-

Hmmm...

rachgd awakes as though from a long, languourous sleep. She stretches gently, and affects to rub perfectly made-up eyes.

"Oh, it was all only a dream! I was having the most terrible nightmare! There were mysterious, though undoubtedly enigmatic, strangers, secret identities, old friends, new enemies, young doctors, evil twins and crazed, delusional TERRORISTS!

(Interlude: I wasn't flirting!)

"Oh, James! I am so glad that it was just a dream, and that it bears no semblence to the life we share! Oh, James...."

Suddenly sits bolt upright, breathless, in bed. A hospital bed. That was the dream!

"Wh..where am I? Well, a hospital bed, obviously, but...how? The last thing I remember I was surrounded by almost the entire cast, and was becoming increasingly overwhelmed by it all...
And where's James? Why can't I move my arms or legs? James? Anyone?
Have I been taken hostage by (DA DA DA DUM! - foreboding music) LIBYAN TERRORISTS?

***Commercial Break***

Well, it was actually a feather boa I was looking for (thinking hard, do not want to upset this evil, yet strangely compelling stranger who is somehow familiar) but a scaly one could provide a certain flair and charm. Thank you, Mr...uh, I don't think I caught your name...(bats eyelashes, but they're fake and one is drooping at a crazy angle - rats, there is no dignity in soap operas)

Rachel! Glad to see you're up. Let me introduce myself. I am your doctor. You see, you were in a car accident a few days ago. All of your arms and legs were broken. Fortunately, the prognosis is excellent. In about a year, yo should regain full use of your limbs. You've been in a coma for the past few days, muttering occasionally about "Tacoman" and "MAES" and "James." Must have been some dream! Anyway, use this to call me if you need me. *Points to a button.* Bye, now!

Tune in next time when we hear Tacoman say:
"Boy, the plot is getting strange!"

Call me Darth.

With all your different outfits you have a Queen Amidala thing going on. I like that in a woman.

So...Darth, what's your starsign?

I refuse to be confined to a hospital bed, and
have it all be a nightmare...uh, I mean dream!
Young and sexy (?) doctor, far too young to have
graduated medical school, who cares, and who bears
a resemblance to MAES...come back here! Tell me
the truth! You can't convince me that I'm
someone else, and then have me impersonate that
person, all unknowing! It's just not going to
happen! They will never believe that my face
has changed so dramatically beacause of plastic
surgery following my traumatic accident...and,
anyway, how would that explain my change in height
and body shape?
Face it, doc, I'm on to you. Your mind games will
have no affect on me! No, darn it, I am not
getting very sleepy...

Muwahahahahahahaha! For once, you are absolutely right! I am actually a Libyan terrorist, bent on taking the fabled taco recipes so I can take over the world! Now, for each time you refuse to give them to me… one of your friends dies! *Cut to James, KAM, MAES, Megan, and other acquaintances of Rachel bound and gagged in a secret location.* And as a bonus, you will be unable to move until we have the recipes and have verified that they are the real deal. Now, GIVE ME THE TACO RECIPES NOW!!!!!!

(spitting out cloth)

You call this a gag? I've seen better gags on the Jokes & Groaners board.

Meanwhile, a mysterious figure, who shall be identified when it's dramatically important, has arrived at the secret location, knocked out the guards, and untied the prisoners.

So, anyway, Megan, I was born under the sign of the Death Star.

Deja vu, I was just captured and released last week, Is Rachel safe mysterious and unenigmatic savior? Last thing I remember is passing out in Rachel's freakishly strong (but amazingly soft and sensual) arms, and hearing a voice with a Libyan accent screaming BOOOOOMM. Wait that voice, that costume, that aroma of spicy, crunchy, secret recipe tacos with extra cheese!!!!
Sounds like my old college roommate Lance, but dresses and smells like Tacoman, Protector of Tex-Mex foods, smiter of Burritoman, and south of the border sometimes partner of Mr Burger and Bun Boy and the delicious Hamburger Patties!!!!!
Ummmmm, well, this is certainly a nicer dungeon than last time, and thanks for scratching that itch I couldn't reach Megan, pleasure to meet you. KAM??? MAES???? Various unknown to me yet in the script friends and acquaintences of Rachgd? (I hope we don't have to go back to that hospital, I hate hospitals) Shall we band together to smite evil, save Rachel, and once and for all eat some really dam n good tacos? Ya know, Corona Beer is really good to wash em down with. So where is the Beer Meister old college chum, newly powered, Mysterious savior? All this food talk and no drinks? not even The KoolAid guy? Even on the Original Star Trek they got coffee delivered in plastic cups from scantily clad yeomans!!!! Agent!!!!!! Agent!!!!!!!! Where is my Agent? I demand drinks for all, and higher pay for me and Rachel, or ummmm WE will strike!!!!!!!!! heheheh, no wait, BWUHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

This room is getting crowded..
teleports to just outside the door
and..
opening the door, causing everybody to pile out, a la the Marx Brothers

I wonder if it's time to open a second area and continue this soap opera...

Will the Soap Opera continue? Will the name be changed so anyone, not just James & rachgd, can have a romance? Will we still get postings from jerks who want to spread their personal unhappiness to others? Who shot KAM? Will Tacoman ever get to second base with Hamburger Pattie? Does anyone care that Hamburgermeister & Burger Boy are dead? Will things continue to get weirder and weirder? Will I stop asking all these questions?
Maybe the answers will be revealed next time on As The Taco Crumbles.

When did hamburgermeister die? I certainly hope that Pattie and I have more fun..

(Tears of a page of the calandar)
At long last, Friday har arrived. I never quite got the hang of Thursdays. Friday, glorious Friday, what shall we do today? Hmmmm... This clothinator needs more power to control the entire town. I'll hook it up to the back-up generator at the hospital.

Henchman: Why not hook it to the power plant across the street?

That would be no fun. Besides, is MAES, who only I know is young Mr. Patterson, there. Not to mention the fact that Megan, who is quite attractive, in that red backless number, is there as well. Henchman, bring my car around. We are going to the hospital. Muhahahahahahahahahahahha!

say, Mr. Announcer, once we get the entire cast to the hospital, something ls going to happen, right? an earthquake, crash of some sort, end of the world, monster attack,

Danger! Danger! 50% chance of the plot unravling, causing large plot holes. If not stopped, these holes in the plot will grow into black holes! Danger, Danger!

Warning! This is a plot complication! Warning, this is a plot complication!

Death Star, huh? Well, from my rudimentary knowledge, I'd guess that you were lusting after Galactic domination and crushing the masses under the heels of tyranny. You're not like anyone I've ever met before, (stares off into the distance, hoping that Darth is taking note of the classic profile).

watching Megan wow.. what a woman..
Some women, like Pattie show themselves off all at once, while others, like megan, like to tease..
eyes spinning, smoke coming out of my ears, ect ect
are you wearing undergarments, Megan? I mean, with a slit up one side of your dress, everything is revealed..

Wait a minute, how did I get here? Last thing I remember I was walking down the street thinking about tacos and now Im in a hospital room next to a woman whose calling out for someone named Tacoman, and where is that sinister laughing coming from?

Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Now I have a hostage in my evil clutches! Bob Brehm, I shall taunt you and eventually tell you my entire evil plan, so that you will be suitably impressed! And there is nothing you can do about it!

Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I don't know what impression my big hair, tarty make-up and slinky dresses have given you, but I don't divulge what's going on underneath it all to superheroes I have just met ; ) Hey, if we are all trapped (I think we are...this opera is moving too fast for me, very un-soapish), maybe someone can figure out a way to make use of this boa constrictor that Darth kindly gave me.

Hamburgermeister & Burger Boy died fighting evil over on the Phantom Return of the Empires Last Hope Strikes Back, Part XI board, but this is a soap opera, so they could get better.

What's a warp core breach?

It's when matter & antimatter mix unexpectedly and cause the engine to go boom boom.

Megan, you never have to worry about being trapped when you're on the Dark Side. We can come and go as we wish into the shadows.

(reaches out his hand)

Come, join the Dark Side.

[to himself:]
I must find out why CCabe's Evil Twin wants those taco recipes.

[keyboard tapping]
Hmm.... this looks interesting.... Yes, this must be...

[more keyboard tapping. We hear a door creak open in the background. Footsteps...]
Hey! What are you doing here? Why do you

[a shot rings out. Fade to black]

(looking at watch)

Oops. I've got to get to my cousin's wedding. see ya.

(leaves the secret location, rushes to the hospital room and removes some devices hidden in the room, then goes out side to a waiting car. Reaches up and pulls off his face mask and reveals himself to be a Klingon.)

Muhahahaha! Thanks to these mind probes I now have all of rachgd's secret taco recipes, and when I get back to QonoS I, Monok, will be the most famous chef in the Klingon Empire! Muhahahaha!

(Monok pushes a button revealing the 'car' to be a disguised Klingon shuttle and he takes off.)

Muhahahaha! What the...?

(crash)

Monok broke the Hubble!

My picked nits are as nonsequentionally numbered.
12. Mind Probes are Romulan, not Klingon.
3. Klingon forheads have ridges so the human mask would not work, unless KAM is a fathead or Monok is a pinhead.
h. If CCabe is evil, then how evil is his evil twin and is the evil twin pregnant or not?
and Finally
ß. If there's a rachgd, is there a rachdvl?
47. This story reads like you're all making this up as you go along.

Well, Darth, I don't know. The Dark Side has a reputation for quick riches but a slow plunge to destruction. How can I trust in you? Will I get some sort of eternal life out of this arrangement? Are you any good at neck rubs? You're a creature of few words, how can I be sure you can hold your own in conversation? How do I know you're not just after my outfits because you're too embarrassed to go out and buy your own dresses? On the other hand, I'm not to keen on indefinite confinement. Will somebody blow up the hospital or, alternatively, free us all and finally reunite James and Rachel before the temptation of Darth grows too powerful to resist?

A VOLCANO Rises up next to the hospital and erupts!

looking out the nearest window, gazing at the volcano
well, that was unexpected..
hearing a ripping sound hello, what's this?
oh dear.. a rather good sized hole in the fabric in time and space.. a plot hole, if you will..

Hello? Megan?

(waving mysterious hand in front of her face)

I freed you already? What are staring at so intently? And who are you talking to?

Well, yes, there is that slow plunge to destruction, but at least you are guaranteed riches, unlike life where you just get older with no guarantee of riches. Also you get keep your appearance as you wish it, no gray hair, no wrinkles...
I am great at neck rubs and I can hold my own in a conversation on certain subjects. I am an expert on the history of torture, and the intricacies of the Roman gladitorial games, for instance.
I am not a crossdresser, but I have been known to put on an Elvis costume and go to karaoke bars.
(as Elvis) Thank you very much. So, little lady, what do you say? Join me on the Dark Side or run like hell from the approaching lava?

How long has that space telescope been there. Lousy Humans! Filling space with all those navigational hazards. Is that a volcano I'm heading for?

Like any good villan, I must explain my evil plan to everyone who can possibly stop it. Here goes: I will hook the Clothinator to the hospitals back-up generators. I avoided the power plant across the street from my evil lair, because it wasn't dramatic enough. Regarding the question about how I could be an evil twin if my twin is evil, the explantion works like this. Ccabe isn't evil, but I hypontised him to be evil in episode #47. He remains hypontised until he hears me say the word "Fluffy".

The volcano and the arrival of my dad, who I thought was dead, and the volcano were mearly well timed plot complications that will further my evil scheme. I think I'll go visit MAES and see how he is feeling.

I have a theory.. If a monster suddenly appears, or we have a fire storm, a melt down, or some other sudden disaster, it might mean we are in a game of simcity..

Well, how do know that it's not a game of SimEarth or SimLife?

Ooh, look, somebody threw me a shuttle.

(catches it in his teeth like a frisbee)

Because SimEarth and Simlife condsider civiliation a disaster.. at least, the demo version of simlife did..
Good doggie. now, don't fetch the large, blue ball. toss the frisbee deep into space.

looks out window
My friends, if anyone was thinking of leaving, it's getting to be too late.. the lava from the volcano has engulfed the first several floors of this hospital. Luckily, we're on the 47th floor. Also luckily, there are generators on each floor to provide power.

Don't worry! I'll protect you! I'm SAILOR MOON! I will right wrongs and triumph over evil! (And that means you!) Trapping people with volcanoes is not very nice! In the name of the moon, I'll… URK! *And evil Dark Kingdom youma zaps her because she took too long in her opening speech. They have the right to do that, you know. A pile of ash forms on the floor in the shape of a crescent moon.*

You Mean I have to listen to some nutcase {Is that one word or two?} ramble on endlessly about his secret plan. {which problably makes no sense} I rather be trapped in a satelite high above the earth, with two annoying droids, being forced to watch the worst movies ever made. And where and who is this Inspector Mystery I keep hearing about? perhaps he could be of some assistance?

Secret plan? what could it be?
as for Inspector Mystery, I havn't seen him since.. You, in your hypnotized state had him follow you.. I think that's the case..

Methinks it is time for my return .... It is I {dramatic pause.} Inspector Mystery, here to aid those in time of need. I was given a summons by a Mysterios someone with a I.m. decoder ring Appearently there is mad Klingon on the loose on this board and it is my job to find him before he brings harm to Rachgd. As for the somwhat confused Tacoman {waitaminute arnt you supposedto bew dead} As for this Bob Brehm I don't know where he came from.

Well, I don't know all that much about torture, however I am an expert on Karaoke bars. I guess it's a 50/50 chance that we could make it (orchestra begins to play, Darth and Megan are silhouetted against the backdrop of steadily rising larva) and, by golly, that's more than many partnerships have begun with - this is an even partnership I'm being offered here, isn't it? I trust I will be lavished with riches. I've been reminded that I was actually freed a while ago but hadn't realized it (innane titter), but there's still the problem of this volcano. I don't want to die, but if I have to, I don't want to die yet. And I don't think I want you to die, either. And Rachel and James must be saved too. In fact, everyone in this room must be saved and I've got a plan. I've got this boa constrictor here. He's extremely clever. What say we tie twisted bed sheets to him in such a way that they won't slip off. Then we can run to the roof of this building, attach his jaws (which are very strong) to the telephone wires criss-crossing through the city, and swing to the next building which doesn't appear to be affected by this amazingly specific eruption. Unless someone else happens to have a helicopter standing by...

How about this.. I happen to have been told by the staff at this hospital about two or three good sized helicopters up on the roof, ready to be used. Since it also appears that this city is done for.. yeah, yeah.. I know the sterotypical superhero could save the city, but I'm different. anyway.. I suggest we escape with our lives.
Gee.. what if one of the helicopters was a time travel device of some sort?

Besides, I also noticed that plot holes are appearing all over the remaining parts of the hospital and the city.

Tacoman, thats brilllant I just happene to have studied up on temporal theory during my university days {it was all done during spare time of corse.} And I just happen to have an idea brewing in my head so stay tuned

Oh no.. what have I started?

Tacoman, okay. Three or four helicopters...that's enough for all of us. Come Darth, come Rachel, come James and come anyone else who wants to live to see another opera. This way will be much faster than swinging on my boa, as brilliant as that idea was. (running to the door) How do we get onto the roof and does anyone know how to fly helicopters that might also be time travel devices?

I'lll get you to the roof. DEAD SCREAM! *A hurricane-force wind lifts the assembled company to the roof.*

I found out why they want the [pause, gasp, cough] secret taco [gasp] recipes....

Meanwhile in Chichester, West Sussex, England

I am HIM! I AM! I AM!

(thinks- If I am him, then is he me?)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I MUST TAKE COMFORT IN YOUR DISPLEASURE

CURSE YOU GRAN FOR MAKING ME WEAR THIS JUMPER THIS WAY!!

IT HURTS! IT REALLY HURTS!

KILL! BURN! DESTROY!

and now we return you too our scheduled programme.

I miss Rachel.

ALright, good guys to one copter, bad guys to another. Doctors and patients to that really really large copter, and go to the next town and live out the rest of your lives. James and Rachael, you can ride in my personal vehical.
producing a car alarm-like device, pushing a button on it. a helicoptor with the tacoman symbol suddenly appears
I had it hidden in a small pocket of subspace for safety reasons.
Now, as for ScottN.. transporting him to this location

Suddenly and unexpectedly Fluffy, the giant monster poodle lifts his leg over the volcano, and the following action (you know what it is ;-)) cools the lava to rock, and, unfortunately, creates a giant cloud of deadly scalding steam which is rising toward the helicoptors.

EGAD, THE TEMPERATURE IS STARTING TO RISE, AND THERE'S A OMINUOS CLOUD OF INCREDIBLY HOT STEAM HEADING OUR WAY, OH NO AHGGGG