Ah yes, the sound of glorious battle I have alerted Gen Martok and the rest of the KDF will be here Post- haste and they will be bringing tacos. They will bring victory to the empire. For why then cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war. As for Tacoman and Inspector Mystery there will be a place for them in Sto-Vo-Kor.

Mwahahahahahahahah!

It is more fun to be evil!

CCabe's Evil Twin, let's go find some evil to do somewhere, and then we can laugh maniacally again!

I have been informed that Rachel is safely back on earth, in the mine shaft. Navigator, set a course for Earth, best speed.
Tactical, fire a series of torpedos at our opposing ships in order to temporarily blind their sensors.
Go! Go! GO! engage! do it!
We're coming for ya Rachel!

As the ship filled with our heros speeds towards the earth. "the Flight Of The VAlkarie" can be heard in the backround. At this moment tacoman can be heard to say "All wings report in."

Gold 7 standing by

Actually, I would have said something like "all stations report in" you know, check for damage, that sort of thing..

(screams)
The exploding console ruined my manicure!

Ew! Vegetarian! You can have Rachel back, we don't want her! *Shoves Rahcel out the mouth of the cave, conveniently failing to notice that they are still in the middle of Iraq, where there is something of a lack of pro-American sentiment. In the same way that there is somewhat of a lack of air in the vacuum of space.*

For those who are wondering, Port Mike is set in the State of Confusion and the cave system conveniantly leads to places all over the world.

No! We can't have rachgd in the middle of Iraq! There's nothing to destroy there, but sand. Besides, Saddam is so cute.
Flying monkeys, go capture rachgd and bring her back to Port Mike! I love watching the Taco Rangers destroy that place.
Don't forget to grab her ruby slippers either!
(Flying monkeys fly into a cave entrance on the moon and fly out of the cave entrance in Iraq. The brains of 3 overly obsessive nitpickers explode at this point.)
And while you're at it get her giant dog Fluffy as well! Haaa hahahahaha!

What's that? the Sol system ahead? slow down, and when we get to earth, establish a standard orbit.
reaching Earth
Oh dear.. it seems our three enemy ships are already here.. looks like the opening to the cave where Rachel was, parts of Port Mike, and other locations have been bombarded by enemy fire..
We have to fight here and now!
all weapons to full! fire! fire! fire! destroy at least one of the ships!

Super Taco Green Pepper Ranger... Warmie! Hot!
Super Taco Red Pepper Ranger... Aye-Yi-Yi! Water!
Super Taco Brown Bean Ranger... Burp! Belch!
Super Taco Orange Cheese Ranger... Melt! Burn!
Super Taco Tan Shell Ranger... Crunch! Munch!
Super Taco Spicy Meat Ranger... Sizzle! Oooooh!
(new costumes appear on teenagers)

All: Form Super Salsa Ultra-Mega-Zord!
(giant, mechanical, two-legged, sword weilding, horned Chihuahua forms. The Super Taco Rangers leap into the air and are suddenly inside)

We'll teach those bad guys to mess with our town.
(the Super Salsa Ultra-Mega-Zord blasts off into space)
Now to protect the town, Form Protective Bubble!
(a protective bubble forms over Port Mike, shielding it from attack)
Wow, guys, the sensors say that this bubble has ventilation!
Oh good, because when we placed that other bubble over Port Joel and the town suffocated, we got a lot of nasty letters.
Approaching enemy ships.
Fire!

(the Super Salsa Ultra-Mega-Zord fires chili pepper torpedoes, melted cheese bombs and spicy lasers at the Romulan ship, destroying it's shields, engines and weapons systems.)
All: Let's finish this now! Super Taco Sword, Slice!
(the Super Taco Sword glows and the Super Salsa Ultra-Mega-Zord slices through the disabled Romulan ship utterly destroying it.)
Woo-hoo!
All right!
It blowed up good, real good!
Tell the other two ships that was just a warning shot.
Yeah!
And if they send a fake surrender message like the Romulans, we'll blow them to Kingdome come!

Hmm.. a bit crude, but effective. next time, could you please simply disable the ship? Destroying it was probably fun, but we could have learned things from the ship.
At the moment, I have no idea what we should do..

ScottN, Rachdvl and I want to be evil alone, together. (Wink, wink) Will you go and call the contractor for the new Evil Lair. And be sure to call the neutronium supplier. I know it cost a lot, but its worth its weight in gold.

Muhahahahahahhahahhahahahahah!

Rachdvl, where were we? Ah yes. We were thinking of new evil names for the board and other ways to be evil to your sister.

Hehehehe. Hehe. He.
Muhahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahh!

evil twin, you've made your evil plans and we fell back, you've implimatedyour evil plans and we fell back, well now the line gets DRAWN HERE NO FURTHER. Mr Worf, on my mark launch Quantum torpedos. Mr Worf, FIRE!!!! {Quatum torpedos are launched, Severly damaging Enemy ship}

(watching the battle through her magic telescope)
Noooooooo! We have got to take the battle to Port Mike so there will be tons of property damage!
Wait, what's this?
(adjusts the focus of her telescope)
Aha! The simulation room of the Tacoship is showing a hologram of a cave entrance!
Flying Monkeys attack!

(Flying monkeys fly into a cave entrance on the moon and fly out of the cave entrance in the simulation room of the Tacoship)

Ahhh! I love to hear the sound of overly obessive nitpicker's brains popping like bubble wrap.

Um, Darth, ARE you anyone's father? BTW, it IS getting slightly chilly in this ship...are you wearing anything under that cape?

Rachgd's big mama, did you really want to know this much about Rachel's personal life? How did you track her down, anyway?

I have no children. Why, do you want children?

Having lived on the Dark Side for so long I'm used to the cold.

What's that popping sound?

(suddenly out of the simulation room come a horde of Flying Monkeys. Darth pulls out his Tacosaber)

Stay back Megan I'll protect you.

(Darth begins slicing through Flying Monkeys as if they were butter)

Wait a minute.. if we end the simulation, or change it, the monkeys won't be able to appear! computer, a simulation of anything but caves!

Yes, Darling

(The cave simulation is suddenly replaced with a recreation of the 10th SS Panzer Division)

Danger, Darling, Danger! I've detected a computer virus planted by rachdvl. The simulation room safeties are offline!

I'll fix it! Computer, begin Flotter simulation number twelve!

*Flotter and Treevis suddenly appear… right in the path of Darth's Tacosaber.*

OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED FLOTTER AND TREEVIS! YOU B******!!!!!!!

Children like Naomi are a good example of why more people should practice birth control.

(kicks Treevis' trunk in front of panzer cannon which blocks the fired shell and the explosion sends splinters all over the place)

Hey! I heard that! Computer, begin Wolf 359 battle simulation!

*Phaser beams lance out of the holodeck.*

It's not nice to mess with kids who know how to use the computer!

Muhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahah!

Inspector's log: stardate 65733.3 We have engaged the enemy {and they are sooo excited although we haven't set a date but thats another matter entirely} The battle is going well but in the Darmagreg sector the man eating furbies are offering heavy resistance. Note to self, ask Tacoman for his toxic tacos weapons perhaps it would be of some use in defeating these beasties. Mystery out

Darth, that wasn't nice, Naomi, there are other Flotter simulations out there.
Maybe we can get a small cave and send my Taco bombs directly to the moon.. or something like that..
stay phaser beam from the sim room hits a minor crewmember Geeze! somebody fix the doors or something!
and Inspector, here are the Taco weapons.
suddenly, a orbatron-like ball comes into view and spouts nonsense, I look a the ball and say
This thing needs to be fixed! (Captain Simian humor, don't you love it?)
where are battles raging, where are we, and why aren't we at a few battles?

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

You're right, CC'sET, that was fun!

I'll stop those tanks!

(Dramatically gymnast flips onto the cannon of the first tank and crushes the barrel with her magnificent thighs)

(aside) Hey, I've trashed 47 Thighmasters the same way. (winks)

(flips onto the other tanks and crushes all their barrels)

Gott in Himmel! Vhat an Uberbabe!

Ya! I hope she's a shiksa... I mean German.

Maybe if ve surrender, she'll crush us betveen her mighty thighs?

(The Nazis surrender)

(aside) Guys. Always thinking with their cannons.

Darth, children can wait...at least until you've got a human body.

Um, this general plotline is getting beyond me. Maybe I should just be a bimbo and giggle a lot. Oh, is that what I already am?

You've got a long way to go before you out-bimbo Hamburger Pattie.

Pick up a gun and shoot something, the writers, the director, Dr. Forrester for making us watch this thing!

June 8, 1999. A day that will go down in infamy.
It was the date of the first installment of James and rachgd's soap opera.
It is nearly one month since that momentous event, and so we begin our fond walk down memory lane, recalling the posts that made us laugh, and made us cry; made us recoil in horror, or cringe in embarrassment.
In this first installment of "JARSO - a Retrospective" we'd like to celebrate the many people without whom this thing would not exist:
And so, allow us to introduce....

The Cast:
James - our hero; shameless flatterer of rachgd; says "fair dinkum" alot; all-too-often absent.
rachgd - pitiful, oft-kidnapped, psychic heroine, frequently awaiting rescue. Possessor of the secret taco recipes, James' heart, vengeful tendencies, and a tempestuous past. Could be pregnant.
Matthew Patterson/Mysterious and Enigmatic Stranger (MAES)/ LibyanTerrorist - well, that says it all really.
Keith Alan Morgan/KAM - It was all his idea!!! Guru of soap opera ettiquette and evil laughs.
Ccabe - Is not pregnant.
Ccabe's Evil Twin (Cc'sET) - mysteriously first name-less villain in love with rachdvl but not a fan of rachgd.
Bob Brehm - also not pregnant, and perpetually confused.
ScottN - an unpredictable character. Sometimes good, sometimes bad...but at least he has the grace to tell us when the change occurs.
Tacoman - multi-faceted super-hero type, variously protector of food, Port Mike, and rachgd. An honorary Taco Ranger. In love with Humburger Pattie.
Hamburgermeister and Burger Boy - slightly androgynous super duo who tend to die alot.
Burritoman - arch enemy of Tacoman.
Inspector Mystery - mysterious inspector. The mystery is what kind of inspecting he actually does.
Megan - old friend of rachgd, current flame of Darth. Likes: excessive lipstick, revealing clothes, simulation rooms, clean hair.
Darth Morgan/Darth - lord of the Dark Side; hatcher of evil schemes; creator of the Taco Rangers; sucker for a pretty face wearing too much makeup.
Hamburger Pattie/White Witch - acknowledged master of the multiple entendre; super heroine femme fatale; can double your pleasure and double your fun; answerer of the 3 questions.
The Answer Man - omniscient being. Where would we be without him?
Monok - Klingon operative, possibly a changeling infiltrator, trying to get General Martok's taco recipes from rachgd.
rachdvl - rachgd's evil twin. Pure evil, as her name suggests. Bent on destroying her poor sister, and beloved of Ccabe's Evil Twin.
The Taco Rangers - teenage dupes of Darth. Beloved of Port Mike's building construction community.
The Microsoft Senshi - villains extraordinaire. Dispised by all. Allies of the Libyan Terrorists, et al.
The DOJ - fighting for truth, justice and the Port Mike way.
Renal Refusal - apparently speaks with her lips out of sinc with her words. Interested in an affair with Cc'sET.
Subcommander Qvvnk - Romulan operative, at first in love with rachgd's siren song, but later involved with Monok (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Others:
Ben Jackson - gave official sanction to the board. Little did he know...
Dr. Mal Practice - learnt medicine from T.V. Hence the use of a defibrilator on a flatlined patient.
Ricky Martin - a cameo performance; living the crazy life.
Janes - a typo.
PAM - an illustrative typo.
Electron - more at home on the "Bad Physics Puns" Board.
Captain Anyone - entirely unhelpful hero.
Dr. Lance Pepperman - hypnotist in disguise.
Libyan Terrorists - An odd, quasi-political, addition to the cast. Strangely, they're taco lovers.
Fluffy - a giant monster poodle.
Sailor Moon - suspiciously blonde Japanese crime-fighter.
Sailor Pluto - another one.
Ed Jefferson - incomprehensible poster.
Annoymous and obsesive nitpicker - obsessive about everything except his/her own spelling.
Z. Twit - bears no resemblance whatsoever to any nitpickers we might know.
The Spanish Inquisition - part time announcers whom no one ever expects.
Mace Windu - as himself.
Zarkon - Holographic head, mentor of the Taco Rangers.
Historian - reminder of forgotten plot threads.
Sailor Libyan Terrorist - Matthew Patterson.
Sailor Bugs Bunny - wascally wabbit.
The Port Mike Police - rivalling the Sunnydale P.D. in ineptitude.
Xt'apalatakettle - hard to spell.
P.T. - peeping tom.
Tom Servo and Crow - if they're so smart, how come they're still trapped in a sattelite, huh?
Sailor Q - professional pest.
T.V. Critic - way too harsh. I give him a 2 out of 10.
Wesley Crusher - adorable savant, the possible father of rachgd's possible baby.
Eatna - drunken and irrelevant poster, no doubt glad that she used an alias.
Private Richard - Cc'sET's henchman
rachgd's bigmama - embarrassing parental visitor. Will not be coming back.
Naomi (Wildman) & friends - well, ScottN, you did ask "..what about Naomi?"

Any oversight in this mammoth cast list was entirely deliberate.
<g>
Actually, if you have been left out of this retrospective, our humblest apologies.
Have your agent contact us.

Above should be entitled (and would be, if it weren't for the Discus bug!):

"Network cashing in on the success of "James and rachgd's soap opera" with a series of lame "Special Presentations" hosted by Susan Lucci..."

Thank you.

Best Female
rachgd as rachgd
Megan as Megan
(secret identity currently unknown) as Hamburger Pattie
Matthew Patterson as Sailor Moon
Susan Lucci as Susan Lucci

Best Male
James as James
Ccabe as Ccabe's Evil Twin
Matthew Patterson as Matthew Patterson
(secret identity currently unknown) as Tacoman
Darth as Darth

The winners will be announced when all the votes are tallied and there's a lull in the action on the board.

Well done. I'd like to point out that Darth is in fact working to save Rachel at this very second (actually, he's probably sleeping, but hey). I'd also like to add that I wear too much make-up only because this IS a soap opera. I did lose the big hair, however, in deference to my natural tendencies. Otherwise, a splendid job indeed.

Rachel, I gather it was a quiet night at work?

(meanwhile the Super Taco Rangers have disabled the Klingon ship)
Do we just let it sit there while we attack rachdvl's ship?
Tacoman told us not to destroy the ship, but that was before we lost radio contact with him
So do we take the Klingons hostage?
No, Klingons don't like that, there's no honor in it.
It would be wrong not to honor their religious beliefs.
Yeah, let's blow 'em to Stovetop Kor!

(Klingon ship blows up real good)

Sleeping? I've been fighting for our lives here.
(Darth kills the last Flying Monkey)

Pattie, send this message to the Taco Rangers in all communitcations bands, languages, and any other way you can, be it light flashes, pigeons, flags, email, other mail, you get the idea..
DO NOT DESTROY THE SHIP OF RACHDVL! I SUSPECT THAT THE OFFICIALS OF THE OTHER SHIPS YOU DESTROYED BEAMED OVER THERE! I REPEAT, DO NOT DESTROY THE LAST SHIP. FOR ONE THING, IT HELPS THE PLOT!
And oh, with the cast of characters, I belived it was revealed that I was Dr. Lance Pepperman.

Oh, Darling! The rachdvl virus has shut down life support! If you're to survive you must land the ship!

Meanwhile, in Port Mike, oblivious to the space battle above and the Flying Monkeys carrying rachgd in the caverns below, Susan & John finally give in to their passion. They kiss long and hard. Susan rips off John's shirt, sending buttons flying everywhere. John slowly peels Susan's shirt off her smooth skin... Wow! Those can't be real.
Uh, anyway Susan fumbles with John's belt while he slides her skirt down her long, long legs... It seems to be getting warm in here.
They go down onto the bed and... Oh, my!
She does... and he... and they... I didn't even know that position was humanly possible...
uh, well, um... I'm going to take a cold shower now... Go back to the sci-fi stuff.

Rachdvl, will you kindly set the auto-distruct so we will eliminate the heros in an overly exotic manner?

(Reaction shot of Rachdvl from last week's ep. thrown in for no reason, followed by a commercial)

Are you in a dead end job. Well, Acme Job Referal Services can get you out of your dead end job and find you a job as an evil henchman. Call Acme at 1-270-555-ACME. Operators are standing by.

to myself Darling? Who programed that thing?
Navigator, prepare to land the ship! here is the location of my headquarters. we can land there.
Alright people, once we land, we need to find the antiviral program for the Rachdvl virus! I want to do that on the ground so that if it involves turning things off, we have a breatheable atmosphere, gravity, that sort of stuff.
You know, maybe we should abort the soap opera aspect and keep the science fiction stories..
if we had anymore soap, we'de all be quite clean.

There's something I have to do...
aiming a few laser weapons at the SOL
now, where's Tom Servo.. ah.. there he is..
firing the lasers at Servo's head
there.. hey, I really enjoyed that!
Well, they wanted us to fire at something..

If we aborted the soap does that mean I could lose the make-up?

Darth, my darling Darth, I'm so sorry that I inadvertently belittled your efforts to save our lives. Many thanks (blows a kiss, scared of bumping into the helmet or poking her eye again).
Oh, how I wish you were in the flesh (Blondie's voice croons the song out of nowhere - I hope SOMEBODY in here knows of Blondie).

Duh, isn't she Dagwood's wife?

Don't worry Megan, I have tickets to Blondie's reunion concerts. I used to be a ticket scalper on the Dark Side.

(looks around)

Hmmmm, Naomi seems to be missing. I wonder if she was carried away by one of the Flying Monkeys?
I suppose there's a downside to this plot twist, but I can't think what that would be.

Tacoman landed his ship near his secret headquarters, the taco-shaped rock near the mine shaft on the coast.
The Super Salsa Ultra-Mega-Zord recieved Tacoman's message and locked a tractor beam on rachdvl's ship an pulled it down to the coast for the...
(dramatic pause)
Final Confrontation!

I don't want to alarm anybody, but we seem to have a slight problem. There are unconfirmed reports from the Darmagreg sector that the Borg have been sighted and they may have assimilated the man-eating furbies. Tacoman, any suggestions?

I'm in love with rachdvl's computer virus.
If we got together we could conquer the world.

Is this the FINAL final confrontation or the final confrontation before the next plot hole opens up and swallows us all?

In case of FINAL final confrontation, Darth, do you have one of those tacosabers free? I've only got this small but deadly dagger tucked away in my boot. (unzips the top of boot and shows the hilt)

I just happen to have a backup.
(pulls out a second tacosaber)
Of course, you'll have to wait 5 days for a background check...
(laughs at own joke)
You know since turning my back on the Dark Side I've really lightened up.

The Borg.. perhaps we can get the Microsoft Senshi to go after them.. We could provide the Borg with Windows products.. at least they havn't been influenced by Nike and their Swoosh yet..
ALright, the taco rock slides aside as the ship descends into my secret HQ. Inside, there are several cave entrances, but they are unlisted to most portals.
Alright, once we get the ship fixed, or as it's happening, we need to send a rescue team to find Naomi and Rachel! And if they're not on the moon, we send a powerful weapon of some sort through a cave to the moon.. Hey, I'm not the only one who can make brains pop.

Is it just me, or is this whole storyline getting silly?

It's just you!

*A giant cube flies up with the Windows logo on each face*

WE ARE THE MICRO-BORG. LOWER YOUR SHIELDS AND PREPARE TO BE BOARDED. MACINTOSH IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED INTO THE WINDOWS COLLECTIVE. SEND ALL YOUR MONEY TO BILL GATES. YOUR TECHNOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE STOLEN BECAUSE WE CAN'T INNOVATE FOR OURSELVES. NOT YOUR BIOLOGICAL, THOUGH, AS WE HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED THE PLEASURES OF SEX. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

*The cube fires a beam which causes every computer in the world to run only Microsoft software. All Macs are taken back to the collective to have their good bits assimilated.*

We are the DOJ. Please accept this subpoena, Micro-Borg!

SUBPOENAS ARE USELESS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. WE WILL HAVE OUR MONOPOLY.

*Two drones stab the DOJ guy through the chest and carry his body off. One of them takes his Palm VII for further study. The other lifts his wallet.*

Wait.. if they are the Micro-Borg, wouldn't they be really, really tiny? I would think tiny things would be easy to eliminate... Alright, back to the taco plot.. has anybody discovered the nature of the Rachdvl virus?
Should we name the ship? I usually call it the Tacomobile or Tacocopter or the like, but if we're going to be exploring the universe and saving people, this thing should have a name.

WE ARE NOW THE BORGOSOFT. IT'S A MUCH COOLER NAME THAN MICRO-BORG. WE ARE AS BIG AS EVER AND THREE POINT FIVE SEVEN EIGHT TIMES AS UGLY. RACHGD'S TACO RECIPES WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

WE PLANTED THE RACHDVL VIRUS IN ORDER TO PREVENT YOU FROM FINDING RACHGD SO WE COULD GET THE DELICIOUS TACOS OURSELVES. RACHDVL IS AN AGENT OF US. MACINTOSH IS FUTILE. YOU WILL USE WINDOWS OR DIE. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY. YOUR COMPUTERS WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

Thank you. Mr. Borgsoft, could you explain this email wherein you state that "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. WE WILL HAVE OUR MONOPOLY." Please explain how this is not in violation of the Anti-trust acts, and how it benefits the consumer.

Oh, and please remember, you are under oath.

WE WERE NEVER SWORN IN. WE NEVER ACCEPTED YOUR SUBPOENA. WE ARE THEREFORE NOT OBLIGATED TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR TECHNOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR LACK OF SUCH.

*The second DOJ guy is stabbed through the chest. This one has a Phillips Nino and a Tamagotchi.*

Those insidous jerks!!!! They have gone to far this time luckily I have a solution. {Takes hand held unit out of his back pocket and punches a few buttons causing the Borgosoft to suffer a Y2k type virus which in turn causes them to freeze in their tracks, All of them scratching their heads in unison with absolutly no idea what to do next.}That will keep 'em quiet for awhile.

HA HA HA HA HA. WE ASSIMILATED THE MACINTOSH. WE ARE COMPLIANT THROUGH THE END OF TIME. YOU CANNOT DESTROY US. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

All right, then. Here's what we will do...

[removes a floppy disk from his pocket]
Here, Borgosoft, take this out-of-date video driver! I estimate you should crash within 1.5 minutes!

FLOPPY DISKS ARE IRRELEVANT. WE ASSIMILATED SUPERIOR MACINTOSH DESIGN. WE NOW USE A METHOD OF STORAGE WHICH WILL NOT COME INTO VOGUE FOR THREE THOUSAND YEARS. WE DO NOT HAVE FLOPPY DRIVES. OR CD OR DVD OR ZIP OR JAZ OR ORB OR CLIK OR ANY OTHER SORT OF MODERN REMOVABLE MEDIA. YOU CANNOT AFFECT OUR SYSTEM. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

Hmm.. more and more unusual.. how about nanites?
hey sailor Jedi group, we need your help to defeat these evil borg!
Wait, maybe I can contact the good Disney controled borg.. I don't know, it just sounded good.
Luckily, my headquarters has a really good communications system..

Hey, Borgosoft, your audio drivers are irrelevant and out of date. Here... take this new audio driver with NEW TECHNOLOGY and assimilate it!

[hands Borgosoft a new audio driver, which contains, unknown to the Borgosoft, a virus which will crash the Borgosoft...]

Where is Sailor Q when you need him.

The true face of evil is unmasked. Darth, can your Taco Rangers help in this situation? BTW, I know very little about computers, but why can't we just turn these borgosoft off, re-wire them to be on OUR side, then send them back to microsoft with evil intent?

Allow me to lend my evil abilites to save Port Mike so I can take it over next month.

Private Richard, Open hailing frequrncies.

(A large and overly complex piece of machinery move in to position with a telephone on one end.)

Private Hurtz, turn on the thought manipuation device with the countdown timer that dosen't work to good. (Hurtz presses a button and a time starts.)

30:00
12:h7
00:07
12:00
12:00
177 (The device turns on)

Borgosoft, why have you come to assimilate this puny little planet? It is quite useless to you. Do you not see the Fourth Planet of Giant Bodyless Brains?

Borgosoft: NO.

Of course you didn't, they just make it look like a dry wasteland. They are much more sophisticated than you, you should assimilate them.

Borgosoft: YES, WE SHOULD ASSIMILATE THEM.

(Ccabe's ET Turns of the communications machinery with a small yellow button on his chair.)

That should distact them long enough to set my overly complex plan into motion.

Muhahahahahahhahahahahahhahhahahahahahah!

WERE YOU NOT LISTENING? WE DO NOT ACCEPT ANY FORM OF MEDIA THAT COMES FROM THIS TIME PERIOD. THEREFORE WE DID NOT INSTALL YOUR "AUDIO DRIVER." ALSO, WE CAN DETECT AND NEUTRALIZE ANY VIRUS. AND UNLIKE THE REAL BORG, WE WOULD ADAPT AND SEND MORE SHIPS IF THIS ONE WERE DESTROYED BY YOUR PRIMITIVE "VIRUS."

AFTER WE TERMINATED COMMUNICATIONS WITH YOUR SHIP, WE SCANNED THE FOURTH PLANET. THERE ARE NO LIFE-FORMS AND THEY HAVE NO TECHNOLOGY. PLUS, WE ONLY ASSIMILATE TECHNOLOGY ANYWAY. AS PUNISHMENT FOR DECEIVING US, YOU SHALL BE DESTROYED.

*Searing beams blast out of the Borgosoft ship and utterly annihilate Ccabe's Evil Twin's ship.*

NOW, WHERE ARE RACHEL AND HER TACO RECIPES?!?!?!?!

*Seventy-four drones beam down to Port Mike and begin the search for Rachel. And they assimilate some Macintosh PowerBook G3s too, just for the heck of it.*

Hah! You have assimilated the virus! Because if you had not, you would have detected the beings on the fourth planet!

Now, how can I save Port Mike from CCabe's Evil Twin and his evil plan?

Will the person posting as Borgosoft, please take it over to the Phantom Returns board, where that brand of juvenile "We destroyed you!", "No you didn't!", "Yes, we did!" garbage is more fitting.
This is a Soap Opera board and it works best with individuals and actions, not badly written omnipotent concepts.

And just what is wrong with Borgosoft? It makes sense to me. It just exagerates a few of Microsoft's features. They are contributing to the search for Rachgd and the tacos. I think you need to just relax and go with the flow.

Megan! Tacoman! Snap out of it! There is no Borgosoft! It's all an illusion cast by the Dark Side to confuse you!

(tendrils of blackness form behind Darth)

Snap out it! You have to... What the... No!

(Darth finds himself enveloped by the darkness)

I won't go back to the Dark Side!
Noooooo!
Meeeegaaaaaaan!

(his voice fades to nothingness, as his tacosaber clatters to the floor, the only thing left to show he existed... on the Light Side)

RACHEL AKA rachgd, is the reason this board exists, thou shall have no posts above hers, none are more insiteful, more humorous, or more intelligent and worthy of your time. Until this changes(possibly it may in a few thousand years), honor thy Rach Goddess. Amen.

(Megan weeps, cradling the tacosaber in her arms) Darth...Darth...Darth...my sweet Darth. Where are you now? Oh, the regret! All the things I should have said that I never said, all the things we should have done that we never did...oh, that's Kate Bush. The sentiment remains the same, however. We never...even...(sob)...kissed...

(straightening up) Okay, Tacoman, I want you to divert this ship and find the white witch so I can discover what I must do to save Darth from being reabsorbed into darkness.

Pattie, attempt to contact the white witch!
Recall our rescue team back to the ship!
Rachel still needs to be rescued, but I've just lost a good officer!

Who do you think passed on the ESP genes to Rachgd, Megan? Also, I definitely don't remember giving birth to Rachdvl! Maybe she's a clone or a robot or another character in disguise? Now, I will definitely not be reappearing, honest.

But, I thought Pattie was the white witch?

Did someone mention needing a new crew member? I'd be happy to take the job of "Captain's Assistant!"

Alright, Pattie, we need your skills as the white witch to help Megan get Darth back!
Naomi, Welcome back to the ship. Would you like to join the search for Darth? Maybe you could help to find a way to get to the Darth Side, or maybe you could help eridicate this computer virus.

No problem! Everyone knows that when all else fails, the kids will find a way to save the day, despite the fact that they've had no training whatsoever!

*Fiddles around with a computer terminal.*

Okay, the computer is programmed to scan for and take us to sources of dark side energy… and, uh, one trip to the toy store because I want the new Barbie doll.

As for the rachdvl virus, I'm stumped. Perhaps it's related to Y2K?

Naomi, are you somehow related to Marissa from the Ratliff stories?
sigh fine, we travel to a toy store first.
Alright, how's this for a plan? we have backups of all systems just before the virus hit, so if we erase all virus infected systems and then load in the backups, that should take care of our virus problem. Any questions, comments, ect?

Hello! I am the Moderator! I am now in control of all!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!!! All will bow down before me, er, if you feel like it, y'know. Uh...................................go about your business!

No! I actually rule all, you fools! HAHAHA! The Moderator isn't evil! He's good! I am the true Evil Moderator! MWAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

AJFADJSDAJDJSdhafkjKkKLklKLD LD LSJKLIDKLAHIUKSD LAFDKL;GSAKFDLAaaaaaaaaaAAAfksagjdkl@! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Great Scott!!! A traid of evil moderators has invaded this board, I must use all my resources to find out who the true evil moderator is so Port Mike can be safe from all neer do-wells.

The Borgosoft have fallen for my evil plan. (Just wondering, since Tacoman and I have similar immedate goals: Saving Port Mike, is it truely evil?) In the 0.68 seconds it took them to scan Mars, I used an evil time machine (which I borrowed from my father's old roomate) and traveled to the year 5047 AD and obtained a super-virus compatable with Borgosoft.

Muhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahaahahha!

I will upload the virus as soon a I come up with an evil plan to go along with the Rachdvl virus, Version 1 Kajillion Billion.

Muhaahahhahahahahaahhaahahhahaahhahahahahaha!

I would hold Port Mike for ransom, but that seems to simple and mundane.

Hey Inspector, need some help? I have this nifty high powered computer in my HQ here..
and who was your father's old roomate, CET?
speaking to crew Alright, as soon as we get the ship fixed, we can go on exciting adventures!
I think this board might become a sci-fi adventure, since hopefully pure Soap opera board is up..

why yes tacoman I could use some assistance. Great scott,its my dangerometer. Holy cow my old arch enemy Seigfried is on the loose somewhere in Port Mike. Hmmm I thought he was killed years ago. Buts that another story. Tacoman round up the others tell them we may have trouble on our hands that makes Wolf 359 look like A bowling trip.

The Dark Side is a dangerous place, Tacoman. I can use my powers to protect myself, but not the ship. You continue the rescue of rachgd, I will go and try to find out if Darth is still alive.
Remember his warning that Borgosoft is just an illusion and ignore them.

(aside to Megan)
BTW if you're really lonely for Darth, well, those tacosabers have some additional uses. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

::Tossing and turning, disturbed by nightmares, unable to awaken from the horror::

Help! Help me!

(Darth is held prisoner in front of a council of evil beings)

Sleazy Producer Type: Darth, baby what were you thinking, turning your back on the Dark Side?

Renal Refusal: Why did you break the curse and give the Taco Rangers properly working equipment?

Darth Gates: If you hadn't spilled the beans, people would have believed that Borgosoft had conquered the world, and when they believed, it would have become true. Why did you do it?

Darth Tom Servo: Why didn't you kill Tacoman before he shot me?

Darth Crow: Why did you put a stop to all your evil plans?

(Darth looks from face to face before finally answering) For Megan

Darth Nixon: Bah. Did you honestly believe that you could be part of the Light Side? (He waves his hands and Darth's helmet flies off) You're nothing, but rapidly fading dark ectoplasm.

rachdvl: You will receive the ultimate punishment. (Some of the council members gasp in horror.) You will have to listen to all of the jokes of Keith Alan Morgan.

Darth: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Pattie, I suggest you try to save our friend Darth somewhat soon and fast. I fear that he may not stand up to the bad jokes forever. I'm only glad that the Darth Servo and Crow didn't take in into their minds to show terrible movies to Darth.
Inspector, I'll round up the crew, have them assemble in the meeting room, and then you can speak of the trouble to come.

And Pattie, try to come back safely. Not only are you a good crew member, but you're also a great friend and lover.
giving Pattie a passionate kiss
You're welcome to take any piece of equipment that you might need.

Ahem! Have you forgotten that there are CHILDREN present?!?! I thought we were going to the toy store! I WANNA GO TO THE TOY STORE NOW!

Ahem! Have you forgotten that there are CHILDREN present?!?! I thought we were going to the toy store! I WANNA GO TO THE TOY STORE NOW!

So sorry, it appears that Naomi has been tampering with Discus' systems. Apparently she takes pleasure in humiliating me. The issue will be taken care of shortly.

*Sounds of someone spanking Naomi are heard in the distance.*

Thank you for your patience. We now return to our regularly sceduled programming.

Hmm.. it seems some of us take on multiple roles..
Fine Naomi, or whoever you are... take a small shuttle and go to the Port Mike. INspector, Go with her as her adult guide.

Moderator: I will kidnap rachgd and hold her ransom for...

Evil Moderator: Oh, shut up. You're not evil enough to do that. I will kidnap her and hold her ransom for...

Crazy Moderator: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Evil Moderator: Oh, be quiet! Can't you see I'm planning an evil plan. Any way, for (dramatic zoom in) ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!

Hey, are there any SANE moderators up there?
Don't make me come up there!

Obviusly, the Evil Moderator is new at the evil business, or he would hold he ransom for a larger sum like ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS. (It was my dad's roomate's lucky number at Evil Medical School.)

Tacoman, I'm going to save Darth, too. I may be a bimbo but it's something I have to do. I can't leave it up to Pattie. She doesn't care for Darth the way I do and so her mission will not have the same sense of urgency. I'm not afraid. I've got this Tacosaber and (grimly) I've seen the Dark Side before. I'm no stranger to evil. Can I please take one of the two remaining shuttles?

Actually, this ship operates under "Voyager" physics, meaning that any lost shuttles are automatically regenerated in the shuttlebay. So take as many as you need!

There's no need for a shuttle, I'm a witch remember?

(she takes Megan's hand and they both disappear in a puff of smoke, along with Tacoman's wallet)

(aside) Hey, he said take anything & creatures on the Dark Side are more susceptible to bribes, okay?

CCET, do you want to know why you're not on the Council Of Evil?
It's because you're not evil enough.
You're the Diet Coke of evil... Just one calorie, not evil enough.

Hmm.. Luckly she took the money wallet and not the wallet with my identification, library card, drivers liscense, and other good stuff..
to the air where the were just standing good luck, my friends. You'll need it.
Alright, while the Darth and Namoi plots were taking place, my troop of repair droids, Ooompa-Loompas and smurfs were repairing the damage to the ship. I believe that they are almost finished. So, who's left around here?
Hmm.. Pattie and Megan are gone, the Inspector and Naomi are gone for now, not many people left.. Maybe Wesley and\or Hamburgermeister can return an d join the crew.. I still have no idea where rachel is at the moment.. her being lost in the mysterious interconnected caves and all.

(a poof of smoke and Pattie reappears)
The Taco Rangers are still around and just use your scanners to search for rachgd's ruby slippers or a pack of flying monkeys.

Oh, and here are the condoms from your wallet. Bye.

(she disappears in a puff of smoke)

Hey Pattie, if you need the help of the ship, don't hesitate to call!
Tacoman to Taco Rangers, report to my headquarters. you may bring your Zord, but leave it outside.
computer, scan the caves for either ruby slippers or a pack of flying monkeys.
Judging from Pattie's fake email address this time, I might guess her alter-ego is from Australia..

Pattie, Pattie, Pattie. Oh, Tacoman, darling, what does she have that I don't?

Moderator: Hey! I have an idea!

Evil Moderator: Ah, you're not evil enough to have an idea.

M:Yeah! Let's steal a nuclear weapon and kill everyone off!

EM: No, that just..HEY! I have an idea! Let's get a nuclear device and kill everyone!

Crazy Moderator: I know what'll kill the people: TACOS!

EM: That's just crazy talk! Go back to your nonsensicle jabbering!

CM: Okay, dafksdlafdjkjadsifeisakdfjakdlsfa

M: I don't know. Maybe if we poison the tac..

EM: Okay, look. We are an evil empire. You aren't evil enough to run this, and he's just crazy and dumb, so it is left up to me. I run this place. We are stealing a nuclear weapon and that's final!

Computer, I'll tell you what she has: a body. who programed you anyway?
Where did these strange moderators materalize from? Be careful, or you will be visited by me.
Tacoman to Inspector Mystery, how is the shopping trip coming along?

It goes well. {Naomi, will you quiet down I'm talking to Tacoman And no you may not go tothat store called the 3ms} oh yes no where was I. She seems quite behaved today since we've been out. she hasn't said a word about being the Captain's assistance. by the way, have you noticed an awfully lot of flying monkeys around here lately? have to go she's starting to go into another store. Mystery out.

While I'm wiating to find a use for the Rachdvl virus, version 1 kajillion bazillion, I shall terrorize the Diet Coke factory in Atalnta. I shall put a substance in it which shall ruin it. I will add SUGAR to all the diet cokes. The will NEVER call me the Diet Coke of evil again.

Muhahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahaahh!
Private Richard: Mwhaahahhahahahahahah!
Private Hertz: Mwhahahahahahahahahah!
Ccabe: Buhahahahahahahahahahahhahaahha!
Scott: Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!
Rachdvl: Grahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah!
Cigarette Smoking Man: Muwahahahahahahahah!
Ccabe's evil twins cat: Meow!

Flying monkeys? computer, scan the city and display all flying monkey activity.
Hmm... strange.. the number of soaring primates seem to be on the rise..
Tacoman to Taco Rangers, we have an infestation of flying monkeys. take care of them please.
Meanwhile, I need to stop the Evil Twin from doing his evil plans.
teleporting to Atlanta Greetings, Evil Twin.
I shall now use my latent Force powers..
Evil Twin, you will abandon this particular plan. you will give me your sugar supply.

Okay, Pattie, here we are, lurking in the shadows of the council of evil. I'm trying to keep a cool head about all this...:O There's Darth - he looks like he's floating apart!

Fortunately we won't be overheard because the Council Of Evil is wearing earplugs. And hearing those NextGen golfing jokes I don't blame them.
Here, slip on the Sith Lord robe and nonchalantly get Darth's helmet, while I distract the Council.

(Megan gets Darth's helmet, while Pattie adopts another disguise)

Albatross! Get your albatross here!

(tapping the Council members on the shoulder they turn to see the treats she offers, as well as the albatross.)

(aside) It's a very lowcut dress.

(Megan runs to Darth and gives him his helmet to block out the atrocious jokes. Pattie dramatically flips over the Council...)

(to narrator) Hey, I'm flipping in the air over the Council. Don't make it sound like I'm attracted to them. Although Darth Gates has a very impressive wallet.

(then in a dramatic flash of light... again with the dramatics)

Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it.

(they disappear from the Dark Side and reappear in some caves under Port Mike)

M... man and chicken walk into a bar...

(Pattie slaps his helmet several times and he hears a familiar voice call his name)

Megan? Megan. I'm free. Oh, thank you.

(He hugs Megan)

Thank you too, white witch.

Is that fresh albatross?

Darth...Darth...how glad I am to have you in my arms again. But you're still not of the human flesh. Will we EVER consumate this increasingly frustrating romance? I hate to sound sex-driven, but this situation is intruiging. No man has ever remained cool in the face of my charms.

Anyway, since we're together again and Pattie is here as well, presumably to hold your bad jokes in check, should we be getting back to Tacoman to help him find Rachel once and for all?

Yes, and we had better find her quickly before her isolation turns her into a crazed, babbling, madwoman trying to make tacos from rocks and sand.

Why look, there are monkey feathers on the ground.

In the distance, is that a lone ruby slipper?

Tacoman to rescue team, glad to know you've returned.
As for the problem with Darth, I have been in contact with some of the best scientists in Port Mike, and the assure me that they can get to work on it as soon as they can.
Fully functional android body, perhaps..
Hmm.. if Renal Refusal is sending out flying monkeys, maybe she is allergic to water..
transporting a gallon of water from a waterfall and beamimg it right over Renal's head so it falls on her

And oh.. a couple other things..
1)Pattie, the ship's computer seems to be envious of you. and 2) could you bring back some albatros?

Wooohooo! I'm glad we decided to leave the Super Salsa Ultra-Mega-Zord behind and go after these Flying Monkeys by ourselves!
Yeah! It's fun shootin' 'em out the sky!
Hey guys, I just got 47. I'm in the lead!
So what do we with all these dead Flying Monkeys?
Let's have a barbecue!
Loser cleans off the fur and feathers!

Ooh, yuck. I've been doused with water.
(sniffs self)
Oh, no. I smell... clean.
You'll pay for that Tacoman! Make rachdvl's computer virus a bigger threat! (throws wand)
Tacoman's ship shakes and alters to take on the exact forma of rachdvl.

So, darling, what do you think of my body now? Mwahahahaaha!

Muhahahahahahahahhahahahaahhaah!
I will abandon this particular plan. I will give you my sugar supply.
Muhahahaahahahahahhahahaahahahhah!
While I distracted Tacoman in Atlanta, Pvt. Hertz uploaded the Rachdvl virus, version 1 kajillion billion into Borgosoft. I can't believe Tacoman fell for it.

(Flips open cell phone) Rachdvl, lock on to my location and beam up Tacoman.

Muhahahhahahahahahhhahahhahhahahah!

Uh oh..
Well.. I'm inside the head of this thing, I don't have control of the controls, but I do have control of my own communications device.
Tacoman to anybody good, especially Megan, Pattie, Inspector Mystery, and even the Taco Rangers...
Somehow, the ship has taken the form of Rachdvl and is being beamed into parts unknown. I suspect that the Evil Twin, Rachdvl, and other evil people are taking me..
To make a long story short, I will probably need rescuing sometime soon. Luckily, I happen to have a homing device on me.

Oh, darling, I can't protect you if they can find you. Now that I have you all to myself... Mwahahahaha!
(mechanical grabbers come out from the walls removing Tacoman's gimmicks and frisking him for more)

Ooooh, that's not your tacosaber is it?

Oh, darling, have you ever thought of coming over to the Dark Side of the Taco? That way we can be together forever.

Super Taco Rangers unite!

(The Super Taco Rangers return to the Super Salsa Ultra-Mega-Zord and fire 47 rounds at the converted tacoship)

That was a warning shot! Return Tacoman, and whoever else is still in there, or we'll get nasty and really fry your chips!

(Darth, Pattie & Megan sneak through the cave and come upon rachgd surrounded by Flying Monkeys)

I think we made it just in time. She's trying to fold a rock and fill it with sand.
On the count of 3 we attack.
3!

(the battle is fast & furious and they reach rachgd)
Pattie can you get us to the surface?

(a flash of light and they vanish from the caves to appear on the surface. A little too close the battle. They run for cover, but Megan trips as she gets up Darth sees the Salsa Zord's foot coming down over her.)

No!

(Darth runs and pushes her out of the way and gets squished.)

(As Megan screams, Pattie smiles)

Well, that's lucky.

The third thing he had to do was to sacrifice himself for another. Now he can be converted to the Light Side.

Your mascara's running all over the place Megan. He's ectoplasm, girl, that's very hard to squish.

(As the UltraMegaZord steps away a dark mist rises from the flattened costume. Pattie casts a spell and Darth is changed from ectoplasm to a handsome Human male)

Ooops. I guess I should have included some pants in that spell.

Well, I'm still stuck in the now evil incarnation of my ship.. But wait! I have an escape pod!
Even if i can't escape, I could always hide..
Somehow avoiding traps,rushing to the escape pod and opening the hatch
now, where is it's new position?
Somewhere inside the nose.. hmm..
I certainly hope that the computer doesn't find that android body that's stored in the hold..

{suddenly, from out of the blue comes Inspector mystery leading a combined fleet of Xwing fighters and Apache Helicopters Each of them fireing at Tacoman's zord's weak spot which is a classified secret so the enemy won't know what it is. This causes the computer to focus so much energy on defence that the computer does not notice tacoman escaping thru an escape hatch in the zord's left nostril parachuting safly to the ground.] AS I.m.: that was even more exciting than the car chase from lethal wedding day 4.

Thanks Inspector. Now we've got a rogue taco ship with a sentient computer that's obsessed with me.. and no one at the controls except for that computer.
Hi Megan, Pattie and... Rachel!
who's the new guy.. looking at the new guy more closely Say, is that Darth?
I may have emerged from the nose of a large robot, but I'm not a Spaceball.

I can't believe that we're all together and safe and (looking at Darth suggestively) free to do whatever we want tonight without the obligation to go around saving people. Darth, do you like my dress?

Anything on you looks beautiful.
(takes Megan in his arms and kisses her)

Well, we've rescued rachgd and I think the Taco Rangers can handle that giant, metal woman, so I think we can take the night off.

Of course, there are still those villains to be stopped and we'll probably find out that James has been kidnapped, but that can wait till tomorrow.

Rangers, don't damager the ship to much. It's still a good ship. Of course, if you destroy it, I happen to have a spare in my headquarters.
And Darth, you're right. we've completely forgotten about James
Oh, by the way Inspector, where's Naomi?

Don't worry old friend I left her safe and soundback at taco headquarters where she is watching a video of "trained attack zombies IV."

Good.. Alright, here's a plan..
On the former tacoship, there is an android body, complete with emotion chip.
If the computer discoveres and takes control of the body, the computer can make the body female.
Now, I can get back into the ship, make love with the android\computer until it's exausted, then plant a bomb in the body, go to the computer core, and change computer personalities.
Or is that to complex of a plan?

No.

(Private Hertz hands Ccabe's Evil Twin a piece of paper. Which Ccabe's ET begins reading immediately.)

Hmmmm... Facinating. (pause) So that's what the secret ingedient is. (Picks up overly complex commications device.) Private Richard, bring me some green peppers. It's time to make some tacos.

Muhahahahahaahahhhaahahahahahahahahahhahahahah!

Psst.. Rachel.. did the recepie call for the secret ingredient to be love?

(whispering) Darth...it was worth it.

Meanwhile, as a contingant backup, Inspector Mystery, The Taco Rangers and the combined fleet of X-wing fighters and Apache Helicopters are standing by. As I.M.: Good luck Tacoman and may the Force be with you.

I've been rescued!
Thank you.
That's all I have to say.

Good bye, cruel board.
What is my life without James in it?

Does anyone else think that perhaps he got caught in the Las Vegas floods?

Oh, James, where are you?

*somewhere in Las Vegas*
Ya know, James. It's not smaht ta gamble wit money ya doesn't have.
Pour da cement, boys!

Well.. time for action..
walking up to the ship Oh computer, I'm ready for you now!
mechanical arms emerge from the ship, grabbing me and pulling me into the ship
several hours later, a small explosion is heard, and I am seen emerging from the ship, tired and ragged, but alive
wow.. what an experience! it took a while, a lot of diffrerent ways, but it worked. I also changed the personality chips in the computer core.
Now to transform the ship pushing a remote control button, in a flash the ship turns back into the classic tacoship

Muhahahahahhahaahahhahahaahahahahahhh!

Well, my main crew is back, Rachel is rescued, and my ship is back in one piece.. What now?
Travel the universe, save James, save the town from the forces of evil.. who knows..
glancing from face to face of my friends and loyal crew, then towards the tacoship
It's been a good ship, got us through lots of problems and potential disasters.

James - flirted with rachgd

rachgd - flirted with James, admitted relationship with Wesley Crusher

Hamburger Pattie - flirted with James, flirted with Tacoman, got kissed by Tacoman

Tacoman - flirted with and kissed Hamburger Pattie, may have had sex with an android

Darth - flirted with, gave ectoplasmic kiss and finally had sex with Megan

Megan - flirted with, received ectoplasmic kiss and finally had sex with Darth

Ccabe's Evil Twin - revealed attraction to, laughed and made tacos with rachdvl

Qvvnck - attracted to rachgd, kissed Monok and they are now living in San Fransisco

Monok - kissed Qvvnck and they are now living in San Fransisco

Renal Refusal - admitted attraction to Sadam Hussein

Y2K, the millennium bug - admitted attraction to rachdvl's computer virus

Ship's Computer aka rachdvl's computer virus - flirted with Tacoman, may have consumated relationship in android body

(The James & rachgd Orchestra begins playing 'Isn't It Romantic' as all the happy couples begin dancing.)

I wonder.. would it be worth it to destroy Renal's moon base?

Maybe you could seduce her?

I Believe It is time old friend, to have our final confrontation with Renal Refusal and eliminate her evil from the universe. do you concur, Tacoman?

I think I've been post-coitally (is that a word?) deserted.

I do indeed concur, Inspector.
geeze.. seduce one android, and you get a reputation..
Oh Moderators, I understand that you have a spare nuclear weapon on your persons?

Deserted? I've been trying to find a pair of pants to wear.
What do think? They seem a little tight to me.

My men and I would like to join you in glorious battle, it seems that our mutual enemy , the acursed Renal Refusal has stolen our taco supply and we have been reduced to eating Ferengi cusine which by Klingon standerds tastes discusting.

(staring at her pictures of Saddam Hussien)
Oh Saddam, when will we finally be together?
You promised to come to me after I sent you that undectable batch of anthrax, but then the UN clamped down and trapped you in your bunker.

(videoscreen beeps, the image of Darth Gates forms)
Darth Gates: Renal! We've just learned that Tacoman is planning to blow up your base with a nuclear missile.

Oh don't worry, Bill. The only way someone can destroy my moonbase is by pushing the self-destruct switch in my bedroom.

Alright, as we all know, the caves in the area can lead us to the moon. I propose that Martok attack Renal's moon base in order to distract her from the fact that I will be leading an attack team through the caves to her moon base.
We get through the flying monkeys and whatever else she has up there, and then we will plant either a nuclear bomb or a small photon torpedo, rig it to explode, and get the heck out of there while her base explodes in a spectular fireball.
The Taco Rangers can either be part of my team, or they can be part of Gen Martok's attack.

Will you be needing that combined fleet of souped up Apache helicopters and X-wing fighters?

Unfortunately, Renal's defenses are very good. We'd need enough firepower to obliterate half the moon, and that could be environmentally bad for the Earth. All that moon dust, moon rocks bombarding the Earth, etc., etc. Even then Renal would just return to the Dark Side and set up a new base somewhere.
Attacking the caves is good, but if she's reestablished her force field you'd never get through.
An alternate plan would be to for someone to disguise themselves as someone she would let through the force field, like Saddam Hussein. Once inside that person could distract her while he shut down her defenses, or...
Well, that would take the bravest of heroes...
(looks around at the waiting faces)
Well, like all arch-villains, Renal has a self-destruct switch in her base. However, it's located in the safest part of her base possible... In her bedroom. Not even the Forces of Evil would think about going in there. Also she wears the key to the switch somewhere on her body.
Of course that would only be necasary if the disguised person were unable to shut down her defenses.
So Tacoman, do you want us to destroy half the moon, or sneak into her moonbase disguised as Saddam Hussein?

ALright, I'll do it.. I seem to have the reputation of a ladies man..
Alright, do we know exactally where the switch is?
How long after I activate the switch will the self destruct option turn on?
Will it ensure a run through the base, escaping at the last minute, or will i have a signiling device that will allow a waiting ship to transport me as soon as I activate the device?

If necessary, I can get a hold of a decent sleeping potion, so if Renal and I have drinks, she will be knocked out. of course, I will have the antidote in my mouth if a} she decides to switch drinks for some reason or b} I put the potion of both drinks..

If necessary, I can get a hold of a decent sleeping potion, so if Renal and I have drinks, she will be knocked out. of course, I will have the antidote in my mouth if a) she decides to switch drinks for some reason or b) I put the potion of both drinks..

Alright, here's my idea for doing this..
I happen to have a rubber suit with a small pack at its belt. pulling out suit
This happens to be a very advanced holographic system. I put it on, switch on the pack, and I can become any person I choose. watch..
switching on belt, suddenly I become Hamburger Pattie, saying, in Pattie's voice
Features include voice, eyeball, and fingerprint identification, tissue and blood samples if necessary.
switching off suit Now, another thing is that if I'm to fool Renal, I need to nearly become Hussein, meaning that I need his memories of Renal.
So, I can pose as a large weapons dealer, get Hussein to come over, we "borrow him" for a while, I have the computer scan him for memories, blood, tissue, and anything else we might need, and feed that into the suit. Another thing that does it keep Hussein out of the way so he doesn't try to call up there and ruin the plan.
Also, Darth, do you have blueprints or is their sensor scans of the base so I know where go up there?

And you think this is going to work?

I for one think it's a great idea. at last we can finally end the threat of Renal Refusel forever.

I'm sorry, Darth Gates, but we have just obtained a court order requiring you to give up your moon base.

That is, of course, unless you surrender your monopoly AND give us Park Place as well!

While Tacoman and company are busy knocking out Rental Refual, I shall put my evil plan into motion. Muhahhahahaahahahahahhahahah!

(Of course, due to the Fairness in Super-Villany Act of Sd 7812.9, It has to take long enough to allow the heros enough time to defeat Rental Refusal then twart my plan. Curses!)

Nitpicker, I don't know if it will work, but it should be interesting. what flaws do you see in the plan?
Just how many moon bases are there anyway?

Just be careful not to blow up my moonbase. 1999 is our big year in Space.

There's no place for a bimbo in this plotline. I've got nothing to do except look admiringly at Darth in those tight pants (looks admiringly at Darth in those tight pants)

You could always stand around making snide remarks, like me.

Or better yet, I've got all these $1 bills from Tacoman's wallet. Let's head to the local Chippendale's while the boys blow up the bad guys and we wait for another plot line to start.

Alright, if my first plan doesn't interest anyone, how's this one..
I disguise myself as a flying monkey and sneak into the base, find environmental controls, release a sleeping gas into the air, search Renal, try and find her self destruct, and who knows else...

Perhaps A. Nitpicker was planted here to place doubt so that our plan would fail. Hmmm I have a theory. {and so the bave inspetor walks up to the nitpicker, grabs a.n.s mask and rips it off, revealing underneath a flying monkey. I.M then boiks it on the head, knocking it out} now maybe we can get on with our plan.

Okay, Pattie, get into your tartiest gear. We're going to the Chippendales where we can get really drunk and yell out things like, "Bend over, luv".

BTW, Darth, I don't think those hulks could light a match compared to you (continues to look admiringly, etc), but I'm going because it's a cliched thing to do.

Tacoman et al., good luck and join us when Renal Refusal has been vanquished for celebratory drinks and stuffing of $1 bills down g-strings (is the male version of a g-string called that? If so, what is a jock-strap?).

I AM WEASEL!

I believe that it is still called a g-string..
So Inspector, which plan do think would work better?
And ladies, have a good time.

Tartiest outfit?
(a flash of light and Pattie's original costume appears on her)
This things so skintight it makes 7 of 9's outfit look baggy.

(kisses Tacoman on the cheek)
Good luck in seducing the hag, Tacoman, and don't forget your condoms.

(to Megan & rachgd)
Now let's get there before Sailor Moon hogs all the good hunks.

Alright, time to put this plan into motion..
calling Hussein
Ahem.. Hello Mr. Hussein, I am a large weapons dealer, and I have some weapons that you may be interested in..
yes, here's the cave you have to travel through.
Good bye.
an hour later, Hussein emerges through a cave entrance in taco headquarters
suprise! knocking him out and dragging him to the medical computer
comptuer, begin deep scan of the patient.
computer: Scan complete. all data downloaded into pack.
computer, scan his memory, and download that data into the pack.
Computer: scan complete.
putting on the pack, switching it on
now, how would he visit Renal..
AH.. calling Renal
Saddam Hussein to Renal Refusal, are you there beautiful? I wish to visit your moon base. what is the best way to get there?

Oh, Saddam, finally!
(she shows a diagram of the cave system)
I'll be waiting for you with bells on
(she holds up some neglicee, covered with bells)

Hmmm. Perhaps I should warn Rental Refusal that someone is posing as Saddam Hussien. (Filps open his phone.)

Voice of Rental Refual: I'm not at my moonbase right now. If you will please leave a message after the beep, I'll get back to you shortly.

Ccabe's Evil Twin: I guess the don't call her Refusal for nothing.

In taco HQ Let's see what I've got..
Sleeping potion.. check
Antidote to the potion.. check..
sleeping gas... check...
antidote to sleeping gas... check
printout of cave system... check
Hussein's wallet with condoms.. check
alright..
entering cave system, eventually reaching Renal's moon base
Oh Renal, your Saddi is here!

Bend over, luv!

So, Pattie, you're a very versatile woman. You remind me so much of someone...a male friend of mine, actually. That's it! You remind me of Darth! How strange. It must be because you're both supernatural beings, or at least, Darth once was. I hope he never regrets the choice he's made. :o Does that guy on stage look familiar to you? It looks like CCabe's Evil Twin, but it can't be, so it must be CCabe! How did he break free from the prison and why did he end up dancing with the Chippendales instead of wreaking revenge on his brother?

while tacoman is on his mission, I better moniter for any transmissions to her headquarters because I have a bad feeling about this. hmmm. this record shows that CCabe's evil twin sent a message to her machine. great Scott!! he's on to us. I better use this message scrambler so that he wont be able to reach her and our plan can go on flawlessly.

While I'm waiting for Renal to appear, I might as well see what I can find..
Ah.. Computerized map. that should come in handy..
downloading map into my pack
alright.. let's see what we have..
communications room.. computer core.. environmental controls.. Renal's bedroom... flying monkey storage..
what a large base this is...
getting the attention of a passing flying monkey Excuse me, can you tell Renal that her beloved Hussein is here? Thanks.