We have recieved complaints that the "James and rachgd's soap opera" boards ae getting too Phantom Returns-ish. Therefore, I have created this board as an actual soap opera between racgd and James and whoever chooses to participate within the confines of a soap. The original boards will remain the receptacles of wackiness that they always were.

Mwahahahahaha! I'm glad this new board is up. I didn't think that all that other stuff was soap-operaish. Now, along with CCabe's Evil Twin, I can steal rachgd's secret taco recipes, corner the taco market, make a fortune, and become the secret power behind the city council of Port Mike!

I shall, of course, use rachgd's pregnancy, or non-pregnancy to blackmail her into giving me the taco recipes without her calling the police.

Did I get enough traditional soap opera plot items in this post?

Also, if you are the moderator, Mpatterson, perhaps, you could prune as needed to make sure this stays soap opera, and not Phantom-ish.

Wish I could, but Ben Jackson will have to do that.

I, for my part, will be an independent villain bent on stealing the taco recipes for myself, using them to conquer Fiji, and impressing rachgd so that she will fall in love with me. james isn't the only suitoe out there…

So now we have two boards in which to rescue the fair and lovely Rachel?

I'll try to clip and cut here and there to make sure this doesn't turn into Phantom Returns. I am only available four days out of every week, though, so it might get a little hectic. Any Off Topic Post will be taken care of as soon as possible.

Ben Jackson

P.S. May the taco be with you!

My role will be as the Mysterious and Enigmatic Ruler of Port Mike known only as The Moderator, who will offer to help people only if it is in his best interest and will get him re-elected to his position as Mysterious and Enigmatic Ruler.

Re tacoman, asking questions: Yes! Two! Now you can save her here, while advancing the plot with typical soap opera twists and turns, and there, while, um, just saving her!

In otherwords, oh Mysterious and Enigmatic Ruler of Port Mike known only as The Moderator, no super-powers, right????

We will be here to make sure that none of you villains violate any anti-trust laws.

Then doesn't the DOJ fall under super-powers? Deus ex machia? Something?

Zo, zis is the famous Port Mike? ja. Soon very soon I shall put forth my evil master plan and the Heroes of port Mike will be powerless to stop me. Mwhaaaaaa

Hey Siegfried, take a number. This is my town, I will be doing the evil plots in this town. You will only advancing plots when I allow you to.

No. We're from the government and we're here to help you!

Hmm.. Ahh.. this is an alternate universe then, am I right?

So, CCabe You say you are the resident evil. {blatent video game Reference} What if you and I were to join forces, Ja Those insepid heroes would fall beneath our might. I understand you have been outsmarted By Tacoman while I am old sparring partners with that masked fool, Inspector Mystery. It would Be our our own Acts of vengance {blatant comic book refernce} Mwhaaaaa

So, am I still trapped in that dumb old abandoned mine shaft on this board?

If so, I need an attractive man here, pronto! What is a trapped-in-a-cave storyline without the sexual tension? I plaintively requested such a person in the Mirror Universe, but only got visited by Monok and Qvvnk (who left together!)

I intended this to be a clean slate. No continuity from the other board will be used. Characters that are regular humans from the other board may cross over, however.

Having said this, forget all about me because I'm supposed to be a villain! Let's just say that you're back at your taco restaurant in Port Mike…

Rachel, I have something to confess...something that may destroy our friendship...I swear I never meant for this to happen. I was drunk - he was plying me with wine and roses. Rachel, I think I may have told Ccabe that you are pregnant and that he may be the father. What if he tells James? Oh, I don't know that I'll EVER be able to forgive myself. (Runs from room)

Ahh'll 'ave anothrrr one, thanksss, misssterr Barrr tenderrth. *sighs long and loudly*

(a handsome mustached man wearing a black suit, and gold chains and rings approaches Megan.)

Hello, lovely lady. Can I buy you a drink? My name's Garth.

(as she looks up, he smiles and the light sparkles off his gold tooth)

(rudely) wadda yew want? Ah'm not lovely. Ah'm a baaad friend. You can buy me a drink, though (sick of trying to write with a drunken slur, take it for granted). Corona, and don't forget the lemon. Hey (suspiciously), a drink is just a drink, right?

Right.

(Garth smiles, & listens, & buys her drinks, until she passes out, then he carries her to his car and drives off)

Alright, in this universe, I help Rachel run a taco stand. I am, of course, the resident superhero in this small, lovely town.

(In a Poice Station a young woman waits when in walk two men in suits. The younger of the two slaps her record on the table.)

Gary: So, Pattie, quite a record, prostitution, theft, drugs...

Pattie: Those were my boyfriend's drugs. When do I get my phone call?

Ace: Oh, you haven't been arrested... yet. How would you like your record erased?

Pattie: Who do I gotta do?

(Ace lays a number of photos on the table in front of her): These are some powerful, possibly dangerous, men. We need someone to get into their inner circle and find out what they have planned. If you can get us information that will convict any of these men, you'll get a new identity, and no past.

Pattie: And how do I meet these men? Hitchhike?

Ace: They are all expected to attend a party this weekend in Port Mike...

Pattie: Never heard of it.

Gary: Doesn't matter, toots. We can get you there. Make it look like you belong there. And give you some ironclad credentials.

Ace: Don't rush into this. Take your time thinking it over...

Gary: Yeah, we won't leave for another five minutes.

Are Ace and Gary ambiguously gay?

(To self): Hmmm… I've got to think of a plan to steal those taco recipes! I know what I'll do!

*Walks up to Rachel's taco restaurant.*

Excuse me, miss? I was wondering, do you need some help with your taco outfit? I'm good with numbers, I could keep the books, or I could assist Mr. Tacoman with the cooking. SO will you hire me, nice beautiful lady?

Watching Matthew at work perhaps I should be watching this guy..

Ah, another beautiful day in Port Mike. Time for some evil..hehe..oh, I mean, um, Political Competitiveness..hehehe. First, I will use my political genius to make it appear that the President was selling nuclear weapons to South Africa, then, when he is impeached, the Vice President will be so bad that he will be voted out of office, and I will be campaigning for the next Presidency, and when I win, I will secretly declare war on our enemies, and when they are destroyed, I will declare war on our allies, and when they are gone, I WILL RULE THE WORLD!

Oh, wait, I guess that isn't very practical. Oh, I'll just kidnap some fair maiden and then pose as the President and threaten to kill her if all the tacos in the town aren't delivered to the Port Mike docks at midnight on February 30. And then, I will demand to have of her taco recipes or all the tacos go into the ocean! HAHAHAHAHA!

Re inquiring mind: My only super powers are my political genius and my ability to exploit people. Oh yeah, there's also the flying, x-ray vision, and destructive beam things that I do, but I don't see their uses.

Hmmm. It looks like I will have to lurk in the shadows for the time being. manipulating events from behind the scenes bringing my master plan closer to fruition MWHAAAA

[A hole appears in the cave wall where rachgd is trapped]

Hello, rachgd! I have come to demand your taco recipes! If you don't give them to me, I will tell the whole world that you may or may not be pregnant! [sinister blackmail music plays] Also, I will fill in this tunnel and leave you here in this cave!

Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, she doesn't live in a cave! She works at a taco restaurant with Tacoman and me! Get with the times, man, this is a separate universe!

Cave? I thought Rachel was here with me in our Taco stand.. Unless that is..
Oh No! not Rachdvl!

(wakes up with a thumper of a headache and a very queasy stomach) Uggghhhrrr...where am I? (sees a man wearing too much jewellery) Who are you? (shivers) Why am I only in my underwear? Don't tell me, I threw up all over my clothes again, didn't I? (groans) Oh, don't bother answering those questions until you find me some bacon and eggs, or something greasy. I can't concentrate while I'm feeling so rotten. Oh no! (sits bolt upright which sends colours flying across her mind's eye) There's a huge party in Port Mike and I HAVE to be there. You can't keep me here. Well, you can, but I don't think you know what you'd be getting into. If I don't make it to that party I'm going to be grumpy, VERY grumpy.

There was something very important I was going to tell James, if I could just find him. I wonder where he is.

It is only moments before my evil plan comes to its final phase! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! There they go! All the tacos into the ocean! HAHA.. Wait! Those are hamburgers! Darnit! And I even forgot to kidnap rachgd! Ah, man! Now I have to start all over. Okay.

time passes

AHA! Finally! I now know where your taco stand is, rachgd! Now to get there...

More time passes

Oh, no! Driver! It's at 87th and Taco Drive, not 287th and Taco Drive! Turn around!!

I'll bet your getting tired of all this time passing, but, oh well.

Finally! I have found your taco stand, rachgd! And Tacoman is no match for my team of lawyers and my cabinet! Get 'im boys!

If you think that a certain message belongs in the other board and not here, just say so. I will delete it.

In this universe is Tacoman a superhero, a powerless masked vigilante or just an escapee from a mental hospital? (For that matter what's The Moderator's backstory? A little too much LDS, perhaps?)

(after feeding and clothing his guest, Garth Stone sends her off in a taxicab)
Oh, Megan, why does anyone trust their secrets to you?
Now that I have the information I need it's time to make a few deals.
Ha ha ha ha haaaaa.

Drat. Foiled again! I'll get you yet, Tacoman!

hmmmmmm.. AHA! I've got it! TACOS!

(With Richard Nixon Mask on) Um, *ahem* hi. I'd like *cough* one of them tacos. please. Here's $2000

[reads headline out loud]
"rachgd may or may not be pregnant. Father may or may not be CCabe's Evil Twin"

Mwahahahahahaha! My evil blackmail plan is going according to plan!

Hello Mr. strange man with a strange mask! for $2000 you could buy the entire building! but for now, here's a bunch of tacos.
As for our confused and clueless friend, that's for me to know for now.. laughing in a hysterical way

(thinks:) Hmm… while Tacoman is busy with President Nixon, I'll just take the taco recipes!

*Tiptoes over to rachgd's safe.*

Drat! Can't pick the lock. Will try later.

What has happened to rachgd? And why does everyone want with her taco recipes? Is rachgd pregnant? What happened to all of Megan's clothes?

Stay tuned for the next installment of Port Mike.
Now this word from our sponsor...

And if Rachgd or Megan are pregnant, could I be the father?
It also appears that the new super secure locking mechanism I put on the safe is helping..

Tacoman must be insane. Muhahahahahahahahaahahah! He allowed the Nocutriv locking Service instal a new lock. This will be quite useful to me in the future. Muhahahahahahahahahahahah!

Ccabe's Evil Twin, that's an impressive maniacal laugh!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Rachel, I have something else to confess...if our friendship is not yet destroyed, this will surely be the cruncher. I...I...I think I gave the secret of your taco recipes to another guy who plyed me with alcohol and dazzled me with his gold tooth. Ah! I fear this may be too much for you to forgive, dear Rachel. If only there were blood between us, stronger than the sometimes fragile bond of friendship.

Ah, Fluffy, thanks to the information gained from Megan's drunkan ramblings, I have begun the process of taking over this town. Then I can bleed the town dry to acheive my ultimate goal... a mouth full of gold teeth!
Muhahahahaha!

*Click of a gun being cocked.*

Hand over the taco recipes or the poodle gets it! I'm sick of trying to break into that safe while Tacoman is away! There's something funny about that guy… HEY! HANDS UP WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! Now gimme those taco recipes!

*One last shot of the tense standoff. Then, cut to commercial.*

Why do you think the poodle has the taco recipes?

Uh, I don't, brainless! I think you have them! I'm just employing the poodle as a threat against you. But if you insist… *Shifts aimpoint to Garth's chest.* Now give me those taco recipes or you're gonna meet your great-great-grandmother!

Hmm.. thousands of somewhat angry ferrets, rabbits, and other cute, furry, and dangerous creatures have just decended upon our fair city..

This is a SOAP OPERA. It's supposed to be full of sexual intrigue, bed-hopping, partner swapping, bad business deals and even worse close-ups. Children are supposed to age ten years while a conversation between two other characters is yet to be resolved. Enemies discover that they are related, particularly juicy if those enemies shared a drunken night of passion. Someone is supposed to be impotent. It has also been brought to my attention that this opera needs a fashion house that designs appalling clothes yet is somehow respected and successful. Now, there is a huge party in Port Mike in a couple of days and everyone is invited, and those who aren't are planning on how to gate crash. There should be someone evil making plans to blow up the building where the party is being held, or to poison the food or something. Someone else should be planning to stop this. I can't - I'm too busy choosing a suitably dazzling gown in which to seduce my next sugar daddy on whom I can cheat with the handsome young gardener. Or maybe I'll accidentally fall in love and mend my ways.

Why should I have any taco recipes? I don't cook.
I was more interested in other things. Who's cheating on their spouse, who's in need of quick money, who runs the bootleg Sailor Moon racket...
(looks behind Patterson)
oh, hello boys & girls.
(looks back at Patterson)
Have you met the youth group I sponser, well, some call them a street gang.
Rangers, this is the man who wants to shoot me and keep me from buying you all those toys you like.

(behind Patterson are six tough looking teens weilding a variety of bats, crowbars, chains & guns)
Pepper: Well, that's not very nice.
Red: Not nice at all.
Fry: If that were to happen we'd have to get medieval on you.
Slice: Mr. Stone's been like a father to us.
Crunch: Even better than the father I killed.
Spicy: So, what're you gonna do, punk?

Oh Megan, care to go to the party with me?
I just think i'm a superhero, but I'm just an ordinary guy. or am I?

D'OH!!!!

Sorry, case of mistaken identity there. Say, you guys want a chance to take over Fiji? If this works out, the fair and lovely rachgd could be ours!

Hey, who cares about Fiji when I could go to a party with a lovely lady like Megan?

Boy, does this guy have a massive ego or what? No, you idiot, I was talking to the approaching street gang that's coming to get me unil I do something fast!

Say, I wonder if rachdvl will ever make an appearance here.

Hey, what's this strange, glowing goop?
tasting the goop hmm.. it's taco stuff, but it's slightly radioactive. better pick it up with this metal bar..
overhead a storm breaks Aw geeze.. a storm, and here I am standing in the middle of a puddle of radioactive taco fillings..
suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes the metal bar I've been holding
AARRG! The goop is being energized by the lightning! I'm being engulfed! GLUB, GLUB, GLUB

Thankyou! It was about time someone got rid of this guy!

*Slipping out of character and into "Soap Opera Police" mode.* Of course, if this glowing goop turns him into a superhero, we'll have to ax his post.

*Back in character.* So what do you guys say? Fell like ruling a tropical country with a beautiful woman in a bikini at your right elbow and platters of tacos at your left?

(drooping like a wilted flower) Oh, Rachel Rachel Rachel...what have I done? How could I have been so foolish as to let slip all of your secrets? Well, not all, I suppose, I didn't tell anybody about that affair you had with the Mayor of Port Mike, but I might as well have. Funny, though, how alcohol makes the secrets of others drop from my lips like black pearls, while my own past remains a mystery to all.

Hmm... Looks like we might have to file some lawsuits against the villains here. They are all plotting ways to illegally monopolize the taco market. And if there's one thing we hate at the DOJ, it's an illegal monopoly! By the way, we will probably be sending a Gray Flannel Suited Laywer (GFSL) to the party.

Pepper: Can't you see three of us are girls, or are you calling us lesbians.
Red: And what's the deal with tacos?
Fry: Yo quero Taco Bell.

(taking advantage of the distraction, Garth grabs his gun)
Tell you what, Mr.... whatever your name is, I'll give you a five second head start and if you can survive till midnight, I'll forgive you for trying to shoot my wittle puppy-wuppy.
Starting now. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Hi. I'm new in town and looking for a mansion. I tried to buy one in Florida, but Disney refused to let me buy their Haunted Mansion..
I also understand that there is going to be a party soon... noticing Megan
Well, hello beautiful.

Eek. *Hops into a nearby car. Peels out and zooms away at 120 mph.*

I'l be back someday! You can't stop me! I'll get those tacos or die trying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Stepping into moderator mode.* DOJ, give it a rest! This is not the Phantom Returns.

Hmm.. this house on the hill looks rather nice..
getting the grand tour of the mansion
I'll buy it!
now to explore the town.
wandering into the bar that Megan is at
addressing megan
Well, hello beautiful. can I buy you a drink?

I'm afraid I can't make it to the party... I have ... um... er... ah... other plans. Yeah, that's it, other plans. I mean, it's not like I'm going to plant a bomb at the party or anything, no siree, not me!

Anyways, everyone have fun at the party, I'm sure it will be a blast! Yeah, that's it, a BLAST!!!

Mwahahahahahahahahah!

Of course, *I* have to crash the party, even if I were invited. Because, is isn't really a party if nobody crashes it.

Buhahhahhahaahhaahhahahahahaahhahahhh!

Ccabe's Evil Twin, that should be *asterisks*, not asteriks.

(raising head and looking at this stranger with weary eyes) Mister, I don't have any more secrets to spill about Rachel and her silly taco recipe, so there's no point wasting your money buying me drinks if that's all you're after.

No, no.. I don't know who this Rachel is. I just moved here. Would you care to show me around this beautiful town? I also understand there is a party soon. would you like to join me at the party?
As I was walking down the street, I happened to notice a small coffee shop. Want to go and talk?

Actually, I have to get going. I don't want to be bleary-eyed for the party tomorrow night. (assessingly) You bought that mansion on the hill, didn't you? (not wanting him to see her dive in the valley) How about I just meet you at the party and we take it from there? I believe it begins at 8pm. You'll have no problem getting in - just say that you know me.

We still need someone to foil ScottN's plans. Everybody remember, you are ALL invited to the party tomorrow night.

*sigh* I'm growing so tired of milking men for their money. Will life ever present something true and worthy to me?

Hmm.. lets's see what I can wear..
Ahh.. my best suit, good pants, and casual shoes.
One of these days I'm going to have to apply for that job at the hospital.. seeing as I'm a struggling doctor.

Hmmmmm, should I wear my crown to the party?
Nah, I should blend in with the commoners and make them think I'm one of them. At least until I take over.

Hmmm... I need some place to hide from the Spelling Poilce. I supose I could retreat to the spelling-proof bunker and write about skjdskd sdkjgrg ksfgrfsgjreg. But, on the other hand, the best place to hide would be at the party. No one will see me there. Muhahahahahahahahahhahhaahah!

Well, it's been long past Garth's deadline. Guess I'll head over to that party and try to think up a plan to steal the recipes.

I wonder whatever happened to Tacoman? Oh well. With him out of the way, there's no way I can fail!

Ah! The scent of affluence. What a crowd...everyone's here. Hang on a minute! Is that the guy who kidnapped me a few nights ago? (looking and trying to prod her foggy memory) I think it is! (picking her hem off the floor and striding over) Hey, Mister! Who did you think you were messing with when you tricked me out of that taco recipe? I'm onto you, buster!

Ah... The party's starting. Now to put the first part of my plan into action...

[slips a tape into the VCR for the big screen TV at the party]

[tv comes on. A masked figure is shown on the screen... volume is cranked up]

---

Quote:

ATTENTION EVERYONE ATTENTION! I have some important news!

rachgd may or may not be pregnant, and the father (if she is) may or may not be Ccabe's evil twin!

If rachgd wants these announcements to stop, she must turn over her secret taco recipes. Details will follow!

---

Megan, darling, who are all these strange peoples? and who is this Tacoman that was mentioned?

Sitting On top of A telaphone pole Watching

Megan, you dance divinely.

Good Lord, what has happened, who Has disrupted the party so soon. I was in a single period.
I was Planning to get married next week again.

HOW DID SUCH A LOVELY PARTY TURN OUT THIS WAY.

Wow! Whoever this masked guy is, he seems to have it going on! Maybe I should join up with him… but do I want to give up the rulership of Fiji? On the other hand, this would give me the fair and lovely Rachel's hand… oh well. I'll conveniently bump into him at the secret meeting point. Maybe we can strike a deal.

Tick tick tick tick...

happens to walk right by the ticking package
hmm.. that's an unusual sound..
It could be a bomb, then again, it could just be a small clock.. but this being a party and all, I'll favor the bomb idea.
hmm.. a convinent window, with a view of the port.. hmm..
constructing a hastily made slingshot, placing the package in it, and leting it fly into the port
there.. the party will never know of the ticking package..

Curses, Foiled Again!

Lance, That was too easy. You know that doesn't happen in soap operas! The party has to go into a panic, along with several "we're going to die" romantic liasons before the alleged bomb is defused with 2 seconds to spare (or turns out not to be a bomb). Do try to get it right next time!

Hmm... I'll just leave this SILENT package here among all the party favors, and nobody will notice until its (almost) too late! (PAY ATTENTION TO THIS PLOT POINT LANCE PEPPERMAN!)

[leaves the silent package, and then leaves the party area again]

Mwahahahahahahah!

Hmmm... Rachdvl is spending far too much time putting on her makeup. I'll go crash the party with out her. I hope that no one else is planning to be villianous at the party.

Alright, how about this? some evil character anticipated the box being tossed out, so he or she put something to make the box bounce into another window, a window where the party is taking place.
Or is that to wild an idea?

Arrr, What be this that landed ere. What is ticking sound. arr a bomb.
(Blows up)

Hmm that waiter looks suspicious. After all why would a waiter place a package amoung party gifts. But two bombing attempts in one night, Immpossible

Hey… that's not a waiter… that's ScottN! Hey! Wait up! I got a question I need to ask ya!

*Runs after ScottN, failing to notice a shadowy figure following the both of them.*

Tacoman, Lance, bears an uncanny resemblance to you. Hey! You trod on my dress. I'll just dash to the ladies' to fix the damage. (walks after a shadowy figure following Matthew and ScottN)

(thinking to self)
'Well, here I am at the party. I don't see the Cabe twins yet, but there's Garth Stone, and Matth...'

(bumps into man)
Oh, sorry about that. Say, is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Well, hello beautiful..
You say your name is Pattie..
Strange, I have the strangest feeling I've seen you before..
Hmm.. Megan thinks I look like Tacoman.. interesting..

Seen me before? Not in this lifetime.

(thinks to herself)
'And if we have met it would have been when I was a prostitute. Unless I have some kind of twin sister.'

(PS Soap had an an alien in it and All My Circuts had robots)

So do we have a pack of killer robots invade the party or something? a few aliens?
Anyway.. So Pattie, what do you do now? you mentioned that you were once a prostitute..

Mwahaha! Everything is going according to plan! In just a little while, that second bomb will explode and the whole party will be destroyed.

[editor's note - it's just about time for someone at the party to notice the bomb, so that we can have those "We're going to die!" moments]

Now rachgd must give me the taco recipes, or her secret shame or lack thereof will continue to be made public! Soon I will control the taco franchise here in Port Mike!

Hmmm... according to standard soap opera procedure, here is where I would go meet my (also evil) girlfriend, and we would share a romantic moment gloating over my evil plan! Unfortunately, I haven't found a girlfriend here yet!

[editor's note: ScottN's wife would kill him if he had a girlfriend on one of these boards!]

hey, what's that ticking sound?
tracing the sound to a small package in the party favors
Hmm.. this package is ticking. Did anybody bring a clock of some device and leave it here?
Should I open this small, brown, ticking package?
opening the package
Oh my dear lord! A bomb! Run everybody! there's a bomb on the table!
no, not the really bad movie on that table, the small ticking bomb!

ScottN! Glad I finally caught you! Listen, let's strike a deal. We both want rachgd's taco recipes, right? How about we team up and get them? I work in her taco stand. If you can get me some sort of safe-cracker, I'm sure I could get those recipes. Then we could take over Port Mike, then Fiji! (Oh, and while we're at it, how about Upper Patagonia as well?)

So whaddaya say?

We're all going to die! And I will never see my beloved Rachdvl again! (pause)

On the other hand, allowing the bomb to go off will wipe out most of my rivals in Port Mike. Thus, I shall win either way. I think I'll just stand at the bar until this little bomb crisis is resolved. Perhaps I should introduce myself to Pattie Burger while I wait.

Suddenly, a skylight breaks, and a lone figure drops down. could it be?
Yes, it is I, Tacoman, protector of the innocent..
Oh.. hello Lance.

Aw geeze Link, what are you up to now?
turning to audience Party goers, this is my brother, Link. he was always the strange one in the family.
Last I heard, he was at the town of Lake Joel playing superhero. There, his name was Ice Cream Guy.
Here Link, do something with this package, will you?
tossing the bomb to Tacoman, who runs out with it and prompetly explodes

(thinking to herself)
'Oh, jeez, how did Pepperman know what I was THINKING about my past? Is he psychic?'

[author's note. I will now put Pattie's thoughts in italic. Please don't react to them as if they were dialogue.
BTW ScottN, why don't you have your wife play your girlfriend?]

The current plot

ScottN has begun his extortion plot against rachgd. Meanwhile, a fabulous party has been thrown, but ScottN tried to blow it up. Meanwhile, Mpatterson wants to take over Fiji, while Ccabe's Evil Twin is looking devilishly handsome in his italian designer suit.

Lance, who may or may not be psychic, is escorting Pattie Burger to the party, when his crazy brother, Link, bursts in, claiming to be Tacoman. Lance gives Link the bomb that ScottN planted, and Link runs away, and promptly explodes, like the Lonely Fisherman did.

During all this insanity, there is only one question on everyone's mind... Where is rachgd?

Pattie went to the party alone and bumped into Lance there.
Lance may not be psychic, but rather remembered having gone to a prostitute who looked like Pattie, or he's just incredibly clumsy at opening lines.

Now, where is my date Megan? I hope she didn't escape through a bathroom window.
Anyway.. Pattie, would you like to dance?

I must admit, this has been one long party.

Curses! Tacoman has ruined my evil plan, despite the fact it was to wait in the bar. (Admitedly, It wasn't my best plan. However, it would have destroyed half of Port Mike.) I will make him PAY! Then, I will forclose on his house. Muhahahahahahahahahaha!

Ah, good! Rachdvl has arrived and she has brought my opera glasses.

It is so hard to move. The smell of tacos is overwhelming. I forgot what I was going to do!! I guess I'll buy a taco and think of another evil plan...Maybe involving Megan's party.

Oh my God, they're going to take over Port Mike. (rounding the corner and confronting Mpatterson and ScottN) Matthew, oh Matthew, Rachel trusted you. I may be a blabbermouth but I would never do to her what you are planning to do. How could you?

Hey Evil Twin, I just happen to know where you can get really good chocolate chip cookies!
what are you going to do now? send in a pack of killer alien robots?

Ok, megan, now we have to take you hostage! Come on, Mpatterson!

[pushes megan into a waiting car and drives off to his secret hideout, after Mpatterson gets in]

Now I can use megan to help further my evil plans!

Mwahahahahahahahah!

So, Megan, you want to know how I could do this? I'll tell you. I love Rachel. I've loved her for years. But did she ever notice me? No. She only had eyes for that *James.* Even after he abandoned her, she never gave a thought for anyone else. I slaved for *years* at that little taco stand, alongside that idiotic Tacoman, in hopes of winning her. No more. She will be mine. I will take over Fiji and *make* her see my greatness.

Your greatness? Ha! You would be nothing...NOTHING...without your asterisks.

(feverishly trying to think of a cunning plan - any Blackadder fans here? - stalling for time)
Now where are we going and is there the possibility of getting a beer there?

Shouldn't James be in these stories at some point?
Oh yes.. MMMEEEGGGAAAANNN! Bring back my date.. bring back.. oh, hi Pattie.

Thinking:
Hmm, if I could just steal the asterisks from ScottN and MPatterson, or better yet, have them surrender them to me, I'd have two of the three keys to the Sacred Alter of Port Mike! This half-eaten taco is the first key. Now I need to get those asterisks! Once I have those, it's just one more step to greatness. Then I will have the greatest power in the world!

Lance, there's Amy's Bakery at 47 Crow Street, near the abandoned Warehouse district. The make the best cookies I have ever had. They also make good donuts. Tell the Vic the Knife sent you.

Hmm.. perhaps I can call out for cookies.. hey, in this town, i've discovered that anything is possible.

Lance Pepperman... You.... Tried..... to......blow......me........up.........I.......Will.......hurt.......you.......But not for 10 chapters or so.

letter written to fisherman
Dear Fisherman, I apologize for your condition, but I wasn't aiming at you. you just happened to be where the bomb landed. But since this is a soap opera, I need an enemy or two..
Lance Pepperman

have you or any one else you know ever been the victim of a malicious soap opera villian. Have you ever been in the path of a ticking time that wasn't meant for you and suffered grievious injuries. then I'm the man for you. I'm Attorney Edgar Roberts and I can get you the money you deserve yadda yadda yadda.

Shouldn't James be in these stories at some point?

No, that's on "James and rachgd's Soap Opera". "Port Mike" is a spin-off.

Jumping in dramatically in front of Mpatterson and ScottN from off screen

I have a proposition for you, gentlemen. You give up your asterisks to me, then find me the head of a radioactive fish, and I will be able to get the best taco recipes this world has ever seen. We will put the Taco Stand out of business, and then we will head the taco market. We could even have our own mascot. A talking chihuahua, perhaps. Then, after we own the taco market, we will own the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

::Waves farewell to the assembled glitterati of Port Mike, in the aftermath of the bomb scare, and chats with her limousine driver, blissfully ignorant of the recent news reports regarding her possible pregnancy::

Oh, what a delightful evening this has been! Well, there was that whole near-death thing, but even that cannot take the sparkle from my eyes. What a divine party! I could've danced all night.

Of course, it was odd that so many people stared at me so intently. And asked me if I was expecting! Expecting what, do you think? I mean, I suppose I am expecting a tortilla shell delivery on Monday, but aside from that...

<A discreet cough, not untouched by malicious glee, is heard from the front. The driver indicates a recent edition of "The Port Mike Enquirer" lying on the back seat.>

::Glances over involuntarily, but without much interest.::

Oh, the "Enquirer"! What is this doing here? Who reads this trash? I mean, really! It is always filled with nothing but fiction, complete fabrications about Port Mike's elite...Oh. My. God.

::Reads::

"rachgd may or may not be pregnant. Father may or may not be CCabe's Evil Twin"

How did they know?!?! I mean, I only ever told one person that I may or may not be pregnant, and who the father may or may not be....

MEGAN!!!

Oh, have I been betrayed? But..but, no! Megan would never do such a thing! Why, she'd become a..a..raging alcoholic, and go home with a mysterious, mustachioed stranger before she'd ever tell my secrets!
She has always been so trustworthy! She has even kept the secret of my super special tacos for..oh..for as long as I can remember!

<Ominous music, as realisation dawns>

Um...hasn't she?

(Having gotten away from Lance, Pattie heads into the bar and nonchalantly sits next to Vic Cabe and after a few moments, pretends to notice him.)

Say aren't you one of the Cabe twins?

No, don't tell me, let me guess... You're the cute one, right?

Hmm.. I struck out with Pattie and Megan.. perhaps I could gave Rachel a try..
and if I can't I'll just start running away from the crazed fisherman for the rest of my life.

Yes, Pattie, I am the cute one. Let's go to the coffee house around the corner called Starbucks. It belongs to an old friend of my dad's.

You know what? If i were a completely evil person, I would either construct or attempt to locate a really large spider robot thingy..

Lance, if you're being chased by a crazed fisherman, does that mean that he knows what you did last summer?

dum dum de ladaaaa dum dooweeboodee doooo

Megan, STOP TWIDDLING YOUR THUMBS AND HUMMING! It's really annoying! Now I will take you to my secret hideout at 4747 Nitpicker Lane, and explain my evil plan to you.

[ shifts car gears while talking ]
I have told the whole world about rachgd, and unless she gives me her secret taco recipes, so that I can corner the taco market and become the real power behind the scenes here in Port Mike, I will tell everyone else too! Mpatterson is just an annoying wannabe villain, and I will find a way to dispose of him (I might just ship him off to Fiji...).

Mwahahahaha!

HEY I AM BACK, AM I WELCOME HERE IN PORT MIKE? AM UNABLE TO POST IN THE REGULAR SOAP TONITE. JOANNE CLOSED THE RELIGIOUS BOARD!!!!!!! I VERY MUCH WNATED TO ADD TO RACHEL'S THOUGHTFUL POST THERE. SIGH, OH WELL. HAVE RACHEL AND I BEEN REUNITED YET?
IS THE TACO RECIPE WIDELY KNOWN YET? HEY MR MODERATOR, I NEED A QUICK SYNOPSIS OF THE STORY SO FAR OK? AND HOW ARE THE NITTIE AWARDS VOTING GOING? I WANT MY NITTIE!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE TO RACHEL

Hey James, I noticed that the other soap board isn't working too.. Bring it back up so Tacoman can complete his mission!
And as for Visitor, as soon as this summer becomes last summer, the crazed fisherman will know..

Hey! i was listening to that post, ScottN! I don't appreciate your tone of voice! I don't care what you do with the tacos here, as long as I get the recipe and get to Fiji and win the fair and lovely Rachel's hand!

Hey, I can the lady's hand for you. Just me and my big knife.

No that way, you idiot! Why can't I get an intelligent henchman?!?!?

Good Morning. Today on "Good Morning, Port Mike", we have received a letter that we feel that we should broadcast.

"rachgd, leave the secret taco recipes in the old abandoned warehouse at 3000 Mystery Science Road, or be prepared for more shocking revelations".

If you are watching this show, rachgd, please call in and tell us "How do you feel?"

That's it for the news. For the rest of the "Good Morning, Port Mike" news team here on K-NIT TV 47, have a pleasant day.

I see that nobody has noticed the pun in my name.

Hmm.. well, there is a Stone Phillips..

When is the other soap opera going to be up?

As soon as my evil trolls leave.

PS To Thug #13, Would you be interested in working for my evil empire. I'm offering you a job because I like the cut of your jib.

PSS Are Evil International villias allowed to add PS messages to their letters.

What's a "villia"?

Hey, Mpatterson, once we get the secret taco recipes, and you go to Fiji, you won't need a henchman!

Mwahahahahahahaha!

Yeah, but until then, I need someone to break thumbs for me.

Mr. Cabe, I accept your offer of employment.

It'll be a relief not to have to watch those Sailor Moon videos that Mr. Patterson keeps playing.

<The phone rings>

Hello? Who is this? I'm sorry? No, I'm not watching anything. Oh, alright, then.
::Switches on television::

"...leave the secret taco recipes in the old abandoned warehouse at 3000 Mystery Science Road, or be prepared for more shocking revelations. If you are watching this show, rachgd, please call in and tell us 'How do you feel?'"

::Drops phone in surprise::

My taco recipes? Well, okay, but, who would want them? There are some strange people in this town!

::Picks up phone again::

Hello, are you still there? Who are you? Why did you call? Are you trying to help me?

Hello? Hello?

::Chews lower lip thoughtfully::

Should I deliver the taco recipes? Mystery Science Theatre Road is on the wrong side of town! Well, at least they didn't tell me to deliver them at midnight or something! But, still...what to do?

ScottN, I admire your plan (rolling eyes discreetly) but I don't quite understand what I'm doing here with you. Sure I overheard you and MPatterson, but I was completely blotted out of my mind and wouldn't have remembered a thing. Now that I'm sober, however, you've told me the whole bloody thing and I'm stuck here with you and your dimwitted henchmen. AND I have to listen to you and MPatterson squabbling. Well, I have one thing to say: "Are we there, yet?"

walking along a cliff, stepping on loose stones, and starts falling
OOF! AARG! EEFF!
ooohh.. who am I and what am I doing here?
happens to wander into the old abandoned warehouse
hey, what are all these people doing here?

I'm starting to get sick of Megan. Anyone got any chloroform? *Spies Lance Pepperman.* Eek! A spy! Thugs, get him and knock him out! *A minute later, Lance is bound and next to Megan.* Well, well, well. Two hostages. The plot thickens, no?

(On the telephone)
Hello, Mr. Mayor. Garth stone here.

Yes, well, I called to tell you that I know it is you who is paying for rachgd's palatial apartment because of... well, we both know why.

I don't care if you believe I know or not. If the fact that your rachgd's sugar daddy comes out there'll be an investigation and your career will be ruined. Anyway I have a building project in mind, but I lack the money to buy the property.

Where? Oh, well, I figured I'd just tear down those abandoned warehouses on Mystery Science Road.

Thank you Mr. Mayor. Pleasure doing business with you.

OOHh.. becoming conscious again The only thing I remember at the moment is that my name is Lance Pepperman.. great, I'm tied and bound. what next?
spying the woman next to me Well, hello beautiful.

Okay, let's go over the plan one more time to make sure everyone knows what to do. Rachdvl will go to Fiji and wait for Mr. Patterson to arrive. Be sure to watch out for Truman Burbank, too.

Thug #13, Welcome to my evil empire. It is your job to collect my evil trolls from their vcurrent where abouts and deliver them to the Troll-proof bunke to be used in Project Mimi.

Privates Hertz and Dick, It is your job to set up Project Mimi and help store the evil trolls.

My evil plan is in motion. Muhahahahahahahahahhahahaahhaahhahhahahahah!

What happened to the other board

Everybody hates the other board now. Go figure.

Because it was too phantom-ish.

Hold on.. I'm starting to remember more.. I remember that I'm somewhat rich..
Hey, if anybody evil is listening, I can finance you and your evil plans..
I can get you more weapons and interesting devices that you can ever dream about..
I was good for a while, but in all good soaps, the good guys sometime turn bad..

If you're getting sick of me (are we there yet? are we there yet?) why don't you just let me go? What can I do if I'm abandoned on this lonely and dark road? I can hardly outrun your car. Seriously, boys, I've got better things to do than sit here watching you two muddle your way through your joke of an evil plan.

Hold on.. I thought you were tied up here with me in this warehouse..

You are kidding, right Megan? Then you'll go back to town and reveal our evil plans to everyone. I think both of you will be coming with us for the duration. And our plan is NOT A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, do you want to further anger the guy with a gun?

Sorry, I had to go work at my day job at the taco shell factory, but I'm back now.

Pardon me, Mr. Patterson, I happen to have a small amount of money on me at the moment.. I'll gladly give you some and possibly help you if you release me..
Think about it.. plenty of money to carry out your evil plans..

For the last time, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!! But I will take your money. Now let's all sit back and watch The Young and the Restless.

OK, Mpatterson, here's the plan. We'll wait here, laughing maniacally, and wait an hour or two for rachgd to bring the secret taco recipes. If she doesn't, then we'll have to release some more shocking revelations...

[takes mask out from a drawer]
Quite a becoming mask, isn't it, Pepperman?

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ScottN- I could think of a better plan sitting on my toilet. Muhahhahahahahahaahahhaha!

If I weren't busy taking over Port Mike from behind the scenes, I would take you under my wing and show you how to be a real villan.

In case you hadn't noticed, I have been relying on alcohol to get me through the days since I betrayed Rachel and was callously used and discarded by Garth Stone. Is there anything to drink here? Some beer? Perhaps some wine? How about spirits?

What about methylated spirits? (for the Americans, methylated spirits is the same thing as rubbing alcohol - I think)

How did you get a mask of my face, Mr. Scott?
Megan, I might join you in a small drink or two.. whispering to megan You see, my request to help the bad guys money wise or help wise was only a trick to get us free.. shame it didn't work...
Do you happen to have a somewhat sharp object on you?

Megan, if you can somehow get to my right jacket pocket, you will find a small bottle of whiskey..

Mpatterson, I find Lance and Megan to be annoying. Would you, or one of your thugs please gag them? How can I laugh maniacally when they are yammering like that!

MWAHAHAHAHAH!

*Megan reaches into Lance's pocket and, although tempted to drink the contents, kicks Lance Pepperman hard on the shin. When he yells out in pain, she smashes the bottle on the ground and saws the rope that binds her. ScottN and Mpatterson have been too busy complaining and don't notice until she is before them, waving the broken end in a menacing way. She pats them down and, finding a knife in ScottN's boot, and a revolver in Mpatterson's inside pocket, relieves them of all concealed weapons. She orders ScottN to tie Mpatterson up and, after she checks that the bonds are truly secure, ties ScottN up herself. She does not undo Lance's bonds because she doesn't trust him anymore since he offered his services to the bad guys*

Righteo, fellas, let's just settle down and finish watching The Young and the Restless while waiting for Rachel to arrive, eh?

(sitting alone in Starbucks, thinking to herself)
I guess I've lost my touch. Vic Cabe went to make a phone call and never came back.
(gets up and starts to leave)

Sigh.. such is the life of Lance Pepperman..
Wait.. a hot lamp! and a good sized piece of glass!
using the piece of glass to amplify the light of the lamp, causing the ropes to burn Well, I'm free.
Pardon me, tied up gentlemen, but do you happen to have a car or other vehicle that you're not going to be using for a while?
a small number of thugs approach and attack, I subdue them with a number of well placed kicks and hand chops

This is terrable! Lance subdued my thugs with only a few hits. One day, I shall have my revenge upon Mr. Pepperman and his little cookies, too.

Buhahaahhaahahahahhaahahahhaha

hey, quit talking about my cookies like that..
Hmm.. a variety of interesing cars. Come Megan, let us "borrow" one of their cars for our escape.
picking a car, popping and removing the tires from the rest of them

::Arrives at Myster Science Theatre Road, clutching a recipe book in one hand, and her heart with the other::

Er, hello? Hello? Blackmailers? Are you there? I..I..I'm frightened. I'm only a pathetic, pitiful girl, you know, and it's dark here.
Come to think of it, why is it dark? Isn't it only 3:34 in the afternoon? I don't understand this town.
Why, why must you do this to me?

Rach?I like your Tacos, and have never shared the secret, wanna runn off with me?????? These posts will go on without us my dearest Rachel.Off to a secret location to watch the final episodes of DS9 in peace..... luv Ya Rach :=))))
JAMES

suddenly a good sized car pulls up in front of Rachel, the windows come down, revealing the faces of Lance and Megan
Hey Rachel..For the moment, the bad guys have been tied up. Need a ride?
Or, we could all bow down to the inevvidible and become bad guys ourselves..
By the way, here's a plastic bag for your heart. I don't want blood getting on the seats.

**** you, Megan! *Uses a blade concealed in the large ring on his finger to slice his and ScottN's bonds.* Oh good! Rachel's here! Yoink! *Takes recipe book right out of her hands before Lance and Megan can react.* On to Fiji! See ya later, suckers! *Both zoom away on motocycles hidden behind a fingerprint-activated door.*

Nobody takes me prisoner while I'm away from the computer and gets away with it!

to self Yoink?
Did I hear him say something about going to Fiji? how will we get there?
suddenly a hidden glove compartment in the car opens, revealing an airplane schedule to Fiji
Bingo. We're off to the airport! But first, do you ladies want or need to pack anything? I'd be happy to drop you off at your respective residences, and then get some things for myself.

*On the plane. Speaking quietly. Too quietly for anyone else to hear. I'm not a total idiot!*

It's all coming together. These tacos will be so wonderful, they'll hypnotize the Fijisi government into making me their leader.

*Announcement.* Due to a hurricane, this flight has been routed to… *shuffles some papers.* *muffled.* What? Where the hell is that, anyway? What do you mean, the mike's on? Oh,… *louder* this flight has been rerouted to Port Joel. We will be landing at the Port Joel International Airport in one hour. Please make other travel arrangements. Thank you for flying MST Air.

(on the phone)
You've managed to get the plane diverted to Port Joel? Good. I'll have my associates pick up the package.

Still driving the car
let's see what's on the radio..
Radio: Greetings Lance, my name is Tacoman, your counterpart in another dimention. I contact you because a dangerous bad guy named Furbitoman and a clone of a woman named Hamburger Pattie have escaped into some version of Port Mike. Since there are several dimentions that feature Port Mike, I have taken the liberty of contacting a couple that Furbitoman might escape to..
Your dimention is one of them. Tacoman out
turning to Rachel and Megan that was an odd message.. Alright, on to Fiji.

Unfortunately for Lance and Megan, their escape from ScottN and MPatterson's clutches was simply Megan's alcohol induced hallucination.

Now we pause for a commercial break.

I really need a drink. I might run into Megan at the bar. Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahah!

In that case, where am I now?

My question also. Perhaps we can defy the will of the Announcer this time..

Now, Megan...let's talk about those rumours that half of Port Mike seems to be aware of...
Only one person knew that I may or may not be preganant!
And, you know who that one person was, don't you?
YOU!

So, what's your story?

arriving at the airport
What do you mean all flights to Fiji have been cancelled? Oh.. they've been rerouted through Port Joel..
consulting a map let's see.. Port Joel.. Port Joel..
Ah.. past the Servo River, right by lake Crow.. 10 miles away..
So ladies, want to go to Port Joel?

Free Shuttle bus to Port Joel airport!
Free Shuttle bus to Port Joel airport!

Alright Megan and Rachel.. we have a few choices...
we can drive the car to Port Joel, enjoying the sights along the way.
we can take the free Shuttle bus, which may get us there or lead us to doom.
We could take a plane.
I vote for the car, which is probably a safer choice.

Free Shuttle Bus to Port Joel Airport!
Especially useful for those people with four slashed tires on their car!

Hey, Mr. Moderator...

How about a second board? This one's getting too long.

I hope they don't remember meeting my henchperson, Rebecca last week or my plan will fail. and I won't get that scholarship to evil medical school. Muahahahahahahhahhaahahahhahahahah!

getting out of the car, looking at the tires By golly, they are slashed. how did that happen?
looking down the street, noticing the trail of well placed sharp things Hmm.. somewhat suspicious..
Just to be on the safe side, I'll select a few choice from this car.. a couple of weapons.. a small computer Padd, a map..
Alright, since we have no other choice, I guess we travel by Shuttle bus.
boarding the bus

Ah! Excellent! A flight to the Bahamas leaving in fifteen minutes! I'll just use my Visa cad to get
me a ticket. First-class, since I'm going to be the ruler of an island paradise soon. I must get
into the role. (Uh oh, did I just say the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud?)

line eat

I'm sorry, sir, but weapons are not allowed in this shuttle. Company policy, you know.

[relieves Lance and company of all weapon-like items]

Please come on in.

[Lance, Megan, and rachgd board the shuttle bus, and it drives off. Suddenly, all the doors lock and the seatbelts tighten around their arms. - hey, if Megan and Lance can deus ex machina me, I can do it to them! The Anonymous Shuttle Bus driver takes one hand from the wheel, and pulls off his fake groucho glasses, revealing his true identity.... ScottN!]

Mwahahaha! I have recaptured you. Now we will all go to Fiji, where I will get the secret Taco recipes from that traitor Mpatterson. I shall then corner the taco market, and become disgustingly wealthy, whereupon I shall become the true power behind the city council of Port Mike! I will, however, strand you all in Fiji, so you cannot interfere with my plans!

Mwahahahahahahaha!

*Locates a Xerox machine.* Hmm, since ScottN has apparently decided to dissolve our
partnership, I'd better make some copies of these. just for safekeeping. *Makes 5 copies of
the recipes, leaving 1 on the machine where any old passerby could get their hands on it…
hint, hint!*

line ea

(meanwhile in a clever plot twist Matthew has been recognized)
Slice: Hey, you're the guy that was gonna shoot Mr. Stone!
Crunch: That's not very nice, ya know.
Spicy: I've got an idea. Hehehehehehe.

What have you done?
Why have you done it?
Where are you taking us?
Who are you?
When will we get there?
What...er, no, I've done that one already.

You're not after my taco recipes, are you?
What is it with the people in this town and my taco recipes? Sure, they're amazingly delicious, and really low in calories, but, they're just tacos! It's not like the recipes for them actually contain some hidden, secret code which reveals the chemical formula for cold fusion, or anything!
I mean, please!

Rachel, my love, it was the alcohol...it's always the alcohol...

looking at Megan in suprise Rachel, my love? is there something that you two aren't telling me?
Hey, I was the one who wanted to drive to Port Joel, but then THIS had to happen...
Rachel, did you ever think of having more than one copy of the recepie? maybe a few in safe storage?
Wait a minute.. I just thought of something.. I seem to remember that there were several spare tires in the trunk of the car.. or, I could have removed the tires from the Shuttle Bus.. Oh well.

By the way Rachel, you forgot:
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Ect, Ect.. Until ScottN gets tired of it..

[editor's note - you know, some of us actually have to work for a living and do this during our coffee breaks!]

Oh, ****! Guess I'll have to take another plane. *While the Taco Rangers are scheming, whips
out the ever-present Visa and gets on a flight to Springfield.* Surely Springfield will have a
flight to Fiji that I can take! (They have everything else there.)

rachgd, I have your taco recipes. And nobody's getting them except me (and anyone who
walks by the Xerox machine.)

line ea

So ScottN, can I interest you in a bribe or a tip?
I wonder which Springfield Patterson is planning to go to..
If memory serves, doesn't our great Chief Nitpicker live in Springfield Missouri?

As I said, you can have your free trip to Fiji. I just want to control the Port Mike city council, and I need those taco recipes to do it!

attempting to struggle against the seat belt
So are almost at the airport?

Ok. Here we are at the airport... What's that sign say? "All flights to Fiji are cancelled. Try Springfield Airport". Well, it looks like all of us are going to take a little trip to Springfield.

Remember, if anyone says anything, I'll spill even MORE of rachgd's secrets!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ah, in-flight movie, champagne, leg room, … this is the life! Now, let's just see if the
Springfield airport has a flight leaving for Fiji! *Pulls out a laptop with wireless Internet
access.* Excellent! There's one leaving not an hour after I'll be there! *Taps a few things onto
an onscreen form.* …and we're done!

Oh stewardess? Can I have a pillow?

line ea

excuse me, but are there drinks on this bus?
Well ScottN, It seems we have plenty of time to chat.. What part of the evil plans havn't we heard about yet? what's the obsession with taco recepies?

[Author's Note - You did all notice the whole "secret formula for cold fusion in code" thing, right?]

You know, Lance - by the way, have we met? - it's funny that the villain who thought he stole my recipe book has yet to realise that I had, infact, brought along my infamous cupcake recipes to the rendezvous, and not the taco recipe book. You'd think he'd have figured out his mistake by now, and tried coming after us again, wouldn't you?

And, Megan...don't you "my love" me. I am shocked by these revelations! Shocked, I tell you! Oh, the alcohol-induced spilling of my confidences is regrettable, yes, but can be forgiven. But...but you throw away books!

[Author's Note, Supplemental - Sorry, everyone not Megan. Private joke!]

*In moderator/annoyed participant mode.* Wait a minute! You did that to me twice! Can't I call
a foul or something?

*In character.* Darn these cupcake recipes! Oh well. I'll just slip some drugs into the cupcakes
and get the ruler of Fiji to obey my every word. Then I'll use their military might to steal the
recipes, invent cold fusion, and rule the world!!! Muwahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!! *To
other passengers.* What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen an evil geinus before?
Come! Laugh with me! Muwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

line

(on an overpass outside the airport, the Rangers [not Taco Rangers] are waiting for the plane with Garth's package to arrive)

Pepper: Shame that weasely guy got away.
Red: Yeah. It would have been funny to see him wear this outfit and run around the airport pretending to be Sailor Moon.
Fry: Hey, look! Here comes a bus!
Slice: Where are those coconuts we swiped.
Crunch: Here they are.
Spicy: (as the bus drives under the overpass) Bombs away.

(the coconuts crash through the windshield, knocking ScottN unconscious and the bus swerves out of control)

See, ScottN! That's what can be done with coconuts!
Garth's Rangers must have their own professor.
Er...they're not those double entendre kind of coconuts, are they? 'Cause that would be gross.

Meanwhile...oh, great, now we're gonna die!

ROTFLMAO!

Are to accept our death? I think not..
Look.. ScottN fell of some controls.. I wonder what they are..
suddenly, the seatbelts release Oh.. I guess that was what they controled.
Time..to..drive..the..bus..
pushing ScottN out of the way, attempting to control the careening bus, noticing and pressing the brake pedal Lucky for us the bus stopped.
Hmm.. there's still a coconut here.. Rangers were here?
Anybody got any lime? handed a lime thanks. I'm going to put the lime in the coconut.. and well, you know..
Well, Rachel, cupcakes are good too.

In the immortal words from the song, "Charlie Brown"...

"Why is everybody always pickin' on me?"

Curses! All right rachgd, I shall have to tell more of your secrets to the world, including the fact that you've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!

Mwahaha!

*Still on the way to Fiji, in case canyone is interested. The flight will land in seven hours.*

(bzzt/static)Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, we will be encountering some turbulence (bzzt/static), uh.. Please fasten your seatbelts.... (bzzt/static)the flames coming out of our portside engines are perfectly normal...

(shouted)WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE LOST THE OTHER ENGINE?

•••• the deus ex machina! Oh well. Sayonara, suckers! *Grabs his parachute/backpack and jumps out the nearest emergency exit.* Oh, ****! Don't tell me I'm winding up back in Port Mike! I've had it with this, I'm gonna run a cupcake stand and put rachgd and Tacoman out of business.

Steve, I want you to buy controling intrest in the Farrand sugar company for me.
(pause)
It's the only sugar factory in town, Nitwit. Without his precious sugar, Mr. Patterson will be unable to enjoy Rachel's cupcakes.

Muhahahahaahahahhaahhaahahhahhahahahahahah!

I didn't go to evil stockbroker's school to be called a nitwit, thank you very much.

ScottN, don't make me bean you with another coconut. Hey, who's that approaching? Looks like an everyday street gang... with a bunch of coconuts...

What? No sugar!?!?!?!?! Grr… I guess I'll have to call in a few favors from my friends in the Louisiana sugarcane industry…

*Several hours later.* Ah, very good. Sugar's on its way. And Ccabe's Evil Twin (who is starting to get on my nerves with his godlike manipulations) has no idea how it's getting into town! Excellent. Now, I just need to find an appropriate evil assistant.

[editors note... the actor who normally plays ScottN is stuck in a staff meeting at his work. Here we have his stand in, trying to act evil]

Uh, nya-ha-ha? No, wait, that's not it...