Well, the first board was an invigorating shakedown cruise, although a few people seem to be unable to shake the superhero/sci-fi stuff. Also a few plot lines were fumbled and nobody seemed willing to try to pick them up. Still we're expecting great things from this second board.

And now with just a few seconds to go before the new board officially opens, I'd like to ask, How many people have enjoyed Rachel's cupcakes?

Wow, that many. James, you only need to raise one hand.


All right, the players are starting to rush onto the field, so let's have a great second board, and take it away!

Drat. 1:30 am. Time for bridge! Lance, Megan, and rachgd, I assume you play? We can set aside our differences until after the second rubber.

Then, I will continue my plan to become the secret power in Port Mike.

Deal me in. Watch out for Rachel, she's a card sharp. Tea for anyone?

Colour Announcer, I like your style.

Well, I've never played bridge, but I'm willing to learn.
Sure I'll take tea.
By the way Megan, how's the weather in Australia? here in America, especially the midwest, have had really warm temperatures..

Cupcakes, anyone? Free samples today for the grand opening of Mark's Cupcake Shack! Come on down and see us, we're at 1298 Forrester Drive.

I hope nothing goes wrong at the opening of the cupcake shack. That would be terrable if it caught on fire. Lousiana sugar is sooo flameable. It's almost as flameable as gasoline.

Muahhahahaahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah!

[editor's note - the actor who plays ScottN is still in meetings today. His stand-in will try to do better than he did yesterday]

Mmmm... cupcakes... DOH!

*In annoyed poster/moderator mode.* Can somebody please prevent Ccabe's Evil Twin from doing all the deus ex machina stuff and ruining all of my schemes before they even get started? I mean, really, how much am I expected to take?

*Back in character.* And we are NOT a cupcake SHACK!!!! We are a store, thank you very much! A store like any other respectable establishment dedicated to putting rachgd out of business. (Oops, did I say that last bit out loud?)

(to Ccabe's Evil Twin)
The tests are positive. You are Matthew Patterson's natural father.

Rachel, I have an idea.. now that we're stuck in Port Joel, perhaps you could open a branch of your taco business here.. that would stop Patterson from being to competitive in Port Mike.

But I like Port Mike better than Port Joel!

(Sorry, Joel fans, but Mike's so cute!)

And, hey, I have to question Matthew Patterson's plan to put me out of business. I mean, is it likely that people will start enjoying cupcakes for lunch and dinner, instead of my crunchy Mexican delights?
I think not.
Besides, the cupcake recipes do not contain any kind of secret formula, unlike the taco recipes. All he seems to be aiming for is to hurt me, and not to discover the path to world domination.

I don't know that I think much of Matthew's evil ambitions.

Ccabe's Evil Twin and ScottN (even ScottN's stand in) are a little more ruthless and, dare I say it, villainous.

Oh, Matthew, why do you hate me so?

You really want to know? I'll tell you. I've been in love with you for years. But did you ever notice me? No. You only had eyes for that James. Even after he abandoned you, you never gave a thought for anyone else. I slaved for years at that little taco stand, alongside that idiotic Tacoman, in hopes of winning you. No more. I'm sick of this. If I can't have you, nobody will. I'll run you out of town and have my revenge!

And who says I have to put you out of business with the cupcakes? All I need is money and a connection in Japan… (and this has nothing to do with Sailor Moon, folks!)

[editor's note: the actor who plays ScottN is finished with his meetings at work. We apologize for the inconvenience. We now return to the soap opera in progress with the bridge game between ScottN and his erstwhile hostages...]

So that's seven no trump, vulnerable, redoubled, making. That's, er.. uh, ... darn, you're a good player Lance.

But now back to my evil plans! I need those secret taco recipes, rachgd! I care nothing for your cupcakes! Or shall I tell the world about your prediliction for coconuts?

[editor's note - anyone who finds a double entendre there is hereby sentenced to listen to twelve straight hours of Keith Alan Morgan's jokes]

Also, rachgd, you forgot to tell Mpatterson that both CCabe's evil twin and I have better evil laughs than he does!

Mwahahahahaha!

This is starting to get utterly bizarre.. I think I'm going to drive back to Port Mike and open a pizza place...

Hey! I like my evil laugh! I got it straight from Scott Adams, thank you very much! Now, I just need to make enough money so that the Yakuza will be interested in this dump. Buwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Coming Next season on K-NIT, TV-47! Two girls, a guy, and a Pizza Place, Starring Lance Pepperman, rachgd, and Megan!

[looks off screen]
uh, what's this? A subpoena from ABC's lawyers?

Ok, we won't have that series then!

Which Scott Adams.. the Dilbert one or the Scott Adams of text games fame?

It looks like K-NIT will not be doing a TV show about Pizza. Perhaps my friends, Mr. Atomic and Mr. Bomb, could persuade them to do a show about... tacos. Muhahahahahahahahaahahah!

(in annoyed Evil Moderator mode: Matthew, about the double-crossing stuff, it's not personal it's something we evil villians do to keep things interesting. If it were in charater to do so, I would wish you luck with you cupcakes.)

Coming soon to the Port Mike Improve, the comedy stylings of Keith Alan Morgan!

Yes, bring your tomatoes and your coconuts because he makes a great target!

And Friday is Taco and Cupcakes night!

Dooby dooby doo… Still marking tome at the cupcake store… doing good business… waiting until I can build up enough cash to pay the Yakuza… nothing much happening here…

*Out of character.* How can it be double-crossing if we were never allied? Although now that I think about it… nah. You'll do anything as long as nobody else succeeds. Maybe I'll give the Yakuza another target.

Where on the West coast is Port Mike? It has to be west coast, or else it would be W-NIT TV-47.

talking in my sleep Tacos..Pizza..coconut taco pizza.. Tacoman away.. Megan, I love you.. Oh Megan.. right there.. yeah..tribble earmuffs?

Port Mike is situated on the east coast between New Orleans and Augusta, Maine. It is near Metropolis and Gotham City.

New Orleans is not on the East Coast. It's on the Gulf Coast. The East Coast starts at the tip of the end of Florida. So there.

On the other board Port Mike was said to be in the state of Confusion, which sounds like a good description of California to me.

To the Nitpicker, I was trying to point out that K-NIT-TV could be as far west as New Orleans. BTW, they would throw me out of the unhelpful teachers club if I gave accurate infomation.

BTW, this will be on the test.

It doesn't matter if they would throw you out. You're still wrong. I live to torture teachers. Buwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

[screen fades. A masked figure appears]

We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin!

rachgd has got a lovely bunch of coconuts!

Further details will be forthcoming unless rachgd surrenders her secret taco recipes!

Look.. isn't it about time to get back to the story?
Is there a plane back to Port Mike?

*On the phone.* Arigato, Takeuchi-san. I will greet your men at the Port Mike airport on Friday. Thank you for being so generous with your time.'

My evil plan has finally come to fruition! Using the money I took in from the wild popularity of my cupcakes (Port Mike desperately needed a good snack shop), I have hired two Yakuza agents to wipe Rachel and her little taco stand off the face of the Earth! (They owed me a favor anyway.) Buwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lance, I think perhaps that we're already back in Port Mike, (in the State of Confusion). I know, it's kind of weird, since last thing I recall, we had this whole impending death thing happening, followed by a really rousing game of cards. Oh, yeah, you all owe me money! I am a card sharp, after all.
Nevertheless, please accept our sudden and unexplained change of venue. It's very authentically soap opera-y.
Okay?

So, to Port Mike...

I'm back in my luxurious apartment.

(Suspicious, isn't it? I only hope that darned masked T.V. station taker-overer doesn't find out who's paying for it...unless he/she already has found out, and is blackmailing our heretofore unseen Mayor about it!)

What was that? Hello? Is someone there, trying to break in to my house? Hello?

::Two black-clad ninjas, who look like they're either Foot from TMNT, or Putties from MMPR, break through the French doors.::

Oh. My. God.

Um...help?

"Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into spiderwebs, leave a message and I'll call you back. A likely story, but leave a message and I'll call you back."
*Beeeep*

"Uh, Mr. Stone? We got the package and have been waiting for you at the site for two days.
Are you all right?"

[knocks on the door, hears a ruckus inside...]
[draws a gun, breaks down the door]

rachgd? What are these ninjas doing?

[shoots at the ninjas and misses, but the ninjas leave anyway, to come back and do their dirty work later]

rachgd, now that those clowns have left, I need those taco recipes now, or the whole world will know about the Mayor!

[thinks: hmm... maybe I can blackmail the mayor as well, to become even MORE powerful in Port Mike]

*Listening to a bug placed in the hall outside rachgd's apartment.* Hey, those weren't my ninjas! They weren't supposed to be here till Friday! What's going on here? Is this another one of Ccabe's Evil Twin's plots? Cause it's not funny!

Matthew talks to bugs!
What kind of bug talks?
Tell me the species...I gotta get me one of them!

We now return you to our regularly scheduled soap, already in progress...

An electronic one, that radios conversations to my cell phone. But what's with those ninjas?

perphaps I should wander over to Rachgd's apartment to see how she's doing..
but first, swordfight practice.. with several different swords..
knocking on Rachgd's door
Rach.. it's me, Lance.. can I come in? I just came to see how you were doing..

Hmm... my plan was a success. Rachgd's Frech Doors were oblitereted. Now I shall send the Ninjas to the Mayor's Mansion, where that shall destroy all of the French Doors in all of Port Mike. I wonder if anything interesting will happen while the ninjas are at Mayor's house.

Muhahahahhhahaahahahh!

Alright, Pepperman, come on in, but don't try any funny stuff, especially those Keith Alan Morgan bits! I'm here to get the taco recipes, and nothing is going to stop me!

Boy, did I pick the wrong disguise.

Wow, cool, stand off. I have the recipe books, ScottN has a gun, Lance has some swords, Matthew's got his cute little creepy crawly, and Cc'sET has some major door issues.

Of course, back to ScottN with the gun, people! You didn't think to bring one, Lance? Instead, swords? You Errol Flynn, now?

However, there is something that none of you know. You see the recipe books are...are...cough, cough, what the...?

::Looks down to see a seemingly inexplicable gaping wound in her chest that strangely, however, doesn't ruin the tone of her outfit. Falls to floor, gasping weakly::

Gasp. Gasp. Oooh, the room is spinning. Quickly, Lance, quickly. Come closer and I will tell you about the secret of my taco recipes...cough...cough...

Ace: No one has seen Pattie after she left the Starbucks.

Gary: She's clearly run away.

Ace: Now then...

(a noise outside attracts their attention, Gary looks out the window)

Gary: Ninja! Surrounding the house, disguised as a hedge!

Ace: Ingenious!

Rachel...Rachel...tell me what you have to say. What? Say that again? I can't quite hear you...oh, get my knee off your chest?

Alright.. let me get a pen and paper.. now, tell me..
Recepies.. secret formula... eliminate disease...new energy source...go to the mayor...go to any official...not in evil hands...loves James...gurgle...gurgle..gurgle..
Megan, she's not saying anything anymore..
feeling Rachel's wrist I think she's dead..either that, or we need to get to a hospital right away..
I not only have swords, I have a small knife..
finding more small knives around the apartment
Hey ScottN..
{tossing the knives at ScottN, they pin ScottN to the wall he was standing by}

Wait a minute! I thought Lance Pepperman was a DOCTOR!
Couldn't he save rachgd, or at least stabilize her, so she stays in the hospital in a coma, while the producers either offer the actress more money or hire some clothing optional bimbo to play rachgd?

*Turns off the bug.* If this is true, then my time is short. *Hits the speed-dial.* Takeuchi-san? Yes, this is Sailor Moron. There's been a slight change in plans and I need those ninjas here right away. If not, the secret of the tacos could fall into the hands of ScottN or Ccabe's Evil Twin or Lance Pepperman or one of those bozos. *Listens.* Yes. Yes, that will be fine. Arigato, Takeuchi-san. *Hangs up.* At 7:00 tonight, those ninjas will be here. Then I can find the true secret of the recipes, or at least find them and take over Fiji, as was my original plan. Still, tis a shame rachgd had to die… but we all gotta go sometime.

Where is CCabe's Evil Twin's good twin (i.e. CCabe)? It's kind of useless having an evil twin if the good twin never shows up!

I'm on the show! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Yah Hoooooooooo
(Two cops come over and trie to subdue him)
No! You cant do this I have my rights! Hey! Get your had off there! Hellllllllllp!!!!!!

Hi all!I'm back from africa! Boy a lot has gone on since 1995! This is like a soap opera. Well I'll start off by saying that I have secretly pattented a cookie recipie that no one will be able to resist. Try and stop me!

Wait.. she's in a coma right now..
Megan, take her to my car.. it's parked outside.
I know of a good hospital that's down the street.
driving to the hospital
Yes doctor.. she was watching a stand off between myself and a gun wielding bad guy when she suddenly discovered that she had a major wound in her chest. While the audience wasn't looking, i managed to slow down the bleeding and bring her here.
By the way, can I have those recepie books she's holding? thanks.
What? time to go on my rounds.. alright...
Megan, here's the recepie books. take care of them.. put them in a safe place...

Try a cookie Lance. Muahahahahahahaahahaah!

Mwahahaha! Unfortunately for Lance and Megan, I pulled free while he was attending to rachgd, and I took the books and put fakes in her hands!

Mwahahahah! Now I have the secret Taco Recipes!

[looks into the books]

Wait! These are coconut recipes! ARGH! Who would want them? I MUST get those secret taco recipes!

I'm not in right now, I've gone to visit my father, who has food poisioning from some cupcakes he got in Port Mike. Leave a message after the beep. Beeeeeeep.

Does rachgd even have any taco recipes? So far we have found cupcake, cookie, and coconut recipes.

Stay tuned for more Port Mike after these messages!

I happen to know where some pretty good pizza, cake, and insect recepies..

You know, Matthew, for someone who has been planning to conquer Fiji all for the love of me, you are taking my supposed death pretty well.
Humph!

But, oh, just a minute, I'm in a coma! How can I be speaking? Plus, Matthew's not even in the room. I must have psychic powers...
No, that was on the other board!

Okay, being quiet now...

sitting on a hospital bench, drinking coffee and reading the script
Let's see.. Hmm.. Rachel in a coma.. offers of cookies.. strange recepie books..
looks up OH! tossing the script offscreen
I'm sorry.. was I on?
Ahem.. well, my rounds for the moment are over, so I have some time to visit Rachel.
entering the room, looking down at her
If I had entered with a gun instead of those silly swords, I might have gottent to ScottN faster.. must have been a magic bullet of some sort..
Don't worry.. Megan has the recepie books and is putting them in a safe place...um...Maybe it IS time to worry a little...Oh dear..

Look, lady, you can't pay a bar tab with recipe books!

Miss, if I might interrupt, I am a collector of rare taco maunscripts and I would like to purchase them from you. I can offer you $100
billion dollars for them.

*Speaking fast Japanese. Badly dubbed English translation kicks in after a moment.* Where is the girl with the taco recipes? Sailor Moron told us to find her and bring the recipes to him. *Burst into bar.* Ah, there she is! Let us make sashimi out of that guy trying to buy the recipes. *Words stop, but lips keep moving for a second. Soon, a proper brawl is in progress. They grab the recipes and dash out, leaving a badly beaten Ccabe's Evil Twin and slighly shaken Megan behind.*

Yes, I See!

I don't know why those guys took off with my diary. It's empty. I mean, I tell everybody everything, so there's no point writing it down.

Now, Sir, you were talking about the taco manuscript. I'm sorry, but I've changed my ways. If Rachel dies, it will be all I have left. So, I'm keeping it close to my heart.

hey Burr.. a prediction..
you will be in a fight with a large scaley monster and a couple of strange giant lab mice..
calling Megan's cel phone
Hello Megan.. It's Lance.. yeah.. no change in Rachel.. I hope the recepie books are safe..offered money for them..squad of ninjas...change of heart..
Well, put them in a safety deposit box or somewhere else safe.
Thanks. Bye.

[after eavesdropping at rachgd's hospital door]

Hmmmm... I'd better sneak over to the bar where Megan usually hangs out and follow her to get those taco recipes.

[nearly trips over 2 lab mice, one of whom is tall and skinny and the other is short with a large head]
What are those mice doing here, anyways?

[goes out to follow Megan]

And why do I have this overwhelming urge to say "Narf"?

Ah, what an interesting city.
[Looks around Port Mike, spots a person selling hot dogs]
Why hello, sir. I just got into town. Has anything important happened in the past few months?
[The hot dog vendor rolls his eyes, preparing to tell the very long story]

Several hours later...

Wow, that much? Hey, how does a hot dog vendor know all of this? Oh well, that's not important right now. I'm off to the hospital to see if I can help rachgd (that's an interesting name), being a semi-wealthy doctor and all.

at a gift shop near Rachgd's room
let's see what they have here...
Ah.. today's paper..
Hmm.. new semi-wealthy doctor in town to help Rachgd...
Rachgd still may or may not be pregnant..
infamous taco recepie books in somewhat safe hands..
Small explosion at the taco factory involves two mice..
Intersting things in the news today it would seem.
Vendor: Sir.. this is not a library. either buy the newspaper or put it down.
Oh.. sorry.. buying the paper

*Reading the book the ninjas brought.* You idiots! These aren't the recipes! This is just her diary! Hmm… "…I decided to put the recipes in the bank, for safe-keeping…" Maybe this isn't so bad after all. But, which bank? The First National? The Second National? The Forty-seventh National? The Port Mike Dow Employees Credit Union? I'll have to read more to see if I cn figure it out. But stand ready to rob a bank!

*talking to underpaid henchmen* Lance knows of our plans involving the scaley monster on the lab mice. He must be eliminated, but don't kill him. bring him back to the lair and we shall kill him in some overly comlex manner. If you do your jobs well, I might promote you to Fincially Secure Henchmen.

Coming this fall, Mad About French Doors, starring Paul Reiser!

finding a seat and still reading the paper
hehe.. that garfield.. what a card..
hmm.. how to get out of overly complex evil plans.
suddenly a bunch of henchmen storm the hosiptal and kidnap me
Where are you taking me? I don't wanna go!

rachgd's got a lovely bunch of coconuts

What an interesting hospital. I'm only here for a few minutes and already someone was abducted my evil henchman. Oh well.
[Addressing the receptionist]
Hello. I'm Dr. Jack B. I think I may be able to help rachgd. What room is she in?
[The nurse stands up and points down the hall. The room at the end of the hall is presumably rachgd's]
Thanks.
[Dr. Jack B. rushes down the hall and bursts into rachgd's room. He says to the nurse...]
Nurse, get me 14.7 cc's of Machina Duesex. I have a woman to save!
[The nurse does this, despite the fact that at this point she shouldn't know Jack B. is a doctor]
Rachgd, you're going to live!

I am Tom Doninstoks, a skilled assasin. I've been hired by someone to kill rachgd! I have made a bomb to blow up and kill her in five posts! I have planted it in rachgd's hospital room! Ha Ha Ha!

Meanwhile, I Lance Pepperman, has been knocked out by my abductors.
slowly waking up, Lance is stapped to a strange table, covered in goo and coconuts
Why am I covered in goo?
Where am I?
and why am I being fed cookies and pizza by furbies, tribbles, and strange scaley lab mice?

*In the official Moderator Mode, even though he doesn't moderate this board.*I think this is going too far with the fantasy sci-fi stuff. So cool it.

OK, everybody stay calm. I know there's a bomb that's going to go off in two more posts, killing rachgd (who still, unfortunatly, is in a coma). The first thing we need to do is move rachgd to a different room. I believe room 474 is open. I have already contacted the bomb squad. They should be here very soon. And avoid unneeded posts. We don't have much time!

Sorry, what did you say? I'm afraid I wasn't paying attention.

Hey! There is too a person in here and I value my privacy, thank you very much!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that takes care of that problem.

Alllll righty, now. I guess I shouldn't have had so many tacos. Let the room air out before going in there. Wooooooo!

I demand to know who has kidnapped me!
Whoever you are, release me at once!
I'm not happy about this.

Welcome to my evil lair, Mr. Pepperman. If you really know as much about the future as you claim too. You already know that I kidnnapped you bacause you know all about my evil plan to eliminate those who killed Rachel. I'm so sorry about the overzealous henchmen. Let's discuss our plan later, after you've had a chance to excape from my incompetent and underpaid security guard.

That was a BIG explosion! Good thing I had managed to get rachgd out into the hallway. We barely survived. Within a few days I should have her out of her coma, as well.

What evil plan? Was it about the taco factory explosion? I can't help it if evil people have similar plans..
Underpaid security guard, eh? Hmm.. evil people like to talk and make easy traps to get out of..
Oh guard.. I had a large bribe for you if you release me...

That dumb Dr. Jack B. I was almost able to kill rachgd! Now I'll just have to blow up the hospital! The bomb will go off when I flip the swich! HA HA HA! The only thing is I dropped it and now I don't know where it is!

Where...where am I?

If it comes to that, who am I?

Er..hello? Is anyone there? I can't see!

And...why can't I feel my legs?

Because I'm feeling them.
Nice muscle tone.
Do you work out?

Having been released by the not very smart guard, I make my way to the entrance of the evil lair.
opening a door hmm.. small weapons storage..
grabbing a small gun that should help..
ah.. a map.. looking at the map hmm..control room...vehicle storage..nuclear reactor...laboratory...torture rooms...guard storage...ah.. here go.. exit.
making my way to the exit
Hey Taxi! hospital please.

rachgd, can you hear me? Are you OK? Yes, she's awake!
[Looks towards the end of the bed]
Get out of here, Bill!

getting out of taxi Thanks. paying driver
Why is there a lot of fire equipment.. police...bomb squad...government agencies...hanging around?
Excuse me officer, but what's going on? Explosion on the 4th floor...
4Th floor? that's the floor Rachgd's on!
running up the stairs to the 4th floor
Rachgd, are you here?

(The secutity guard who let Mr. Pepperman excape walks into the room.)

Welcome to my evil lair, Mr. Darnell. Have a seat. You must be tired after guarding the prisioner all day. Have a drink, I had a the chef prepare it especially for you.

(Security guard Darnell falls to the floor.)

(CcabeET turns to another henchman) He's dead, Jim.

Henchman #2: Don't call me Jim. My name is Jennifer. And don't call me a henchman, either. Do I look like a man to you, especially in this tight little mini-skirt?

Only because you have a rolled up pair of socks tucked in front.

Thug, it's bad enough that I have to wear this •••••• mini-skirt and now you insult my socks. This is the last straw, thug. If you ever cross me again, you end up like J.R. Ewing.

::Tossing and turning, caught in a nightmare::

No! No! Noooooooo!

::Gasping, sits bolt upright in bed::

What? Who is it? Who's there?
Ummm....who's rachgd?

noticing Dr. Jack B.
Ah.. greetings sir. You must be the semi-wealthy doctor I read about in the newspaper. I am honored to meet you.
glancing at Rachgd Hmm.. It would appear that we may have another problem on our hands.

I suggest we show her cheesy movies, the worst we can find, and while she sits and watches them, I'll monitor her mind.

Rachgd! I'm so glad you're all right! Don't you remember me? We were engaged to be married! Doctor, what's her condition?

looking at Rachgd
She's in bed, Jim!

[muttering to himself] Darn, you go away to San Diego to let your evil plots simmer, and everything goes to heck in a handbasket! Now I will have to deal with that upstart Mpatterson again!

How will I ever get those secret taco recipes and corner the taco market, becoming rich beyond my wildest dreams?

I mean, can't we villains even take a short vacation without you do-gooders messing everything up?

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?????

Oh...just one more thankyou

Character Roll Call!
Lance Pepperman (right by Rachgd!}
Anyway... If anybody asks, yes, I do know Jack.. Dr. Jack B., anyway..
Announcer, perhaps its time for another character briefing...

What, Lance, you want another monster post detailing the characters in Port Mike, along with a short biography of their lives?
I'm sorry, but we here at the network, following the inexplicable cancellation of "JARSO", right after "The Retrospective" aired - hosted by the acclaimed Susan Lucci - have decided to put any such projects on hold until such time as we consider "Port Mike"'s position in the Discus pantheon as secure.
Besides, it's only on it's second board.

Of course, if you meant one of those little "Will MPatterson ever reveal his Sailor Moon outfit to the town?" or "Will Megan be forced into selling herself for another bottle of gin?", then I leave you to the mercy of the alleged "Announcer".
Amateur.

Will Megan sell herself for another bottle of gin? Will anyone think she's worth a whole bottle?

Will rachgd remember who she really is, or just who people think she is?

Will Ccabe's Evil Twin ever say, "MPatterson, I am your father."?

Will we see Garth again?

Will the Fisherman get revenge on Lance Pepperman?

Will ScottN get the secret Taco recipes or will he be forced to go on the Professional Bridge tour, senior division?

Megan, Rachgd, Jack.. I have an idea.. how about a nice cruise?

*TV Commercial*
Just sit right back and enjoy one of our luxurious three hour cruises. Yes the S.S. Minnow is ready for chartering if you just want to get away from your troubles for a little bit.

This is really annoying! I might just have to blow up the cruise. This Lance guy will make killing rachrgd really easy. Then I can go get my money and leave this dumb place. I wonder what happened to the bomb at the hospital.

What are you talking about, Lance? I am responsible for the safety of rachgd and I won't allow you to take a badly injured woman on a cruise! *Looks around.* Hey, where did she and Matthew Patterson go?

I hope Patterson didn't take up Grumby's offer..
Oh well.. anybody else for a cruise? I happen to know that Port Mike is a launching spot for a number of cruise ships, and if we don't want that, I happen to have a large ship myself. And perhaps Dr. Jack has his own vessel..

*Back in rachgd's room. Why these people were out in the hall all this time is beyond me.* I'm so glad you're all right! When I heard that bomb go off, i feared the worst! Oh well. The doctors tell me that you'll get some of your memory back, but that you might never remember who I am or who you are. But that's okay. As soon as you're well enough to leave, we'll go and start up our taco business again with your family's wonderful recipes. *Thinking.* Heh heh heh…

We interrupt our regular programming to bring you this news bulletin...

Rachgd may or may not be pregnant.
CCabe's Evil Twin may or may not be the father.
Rachgd was never in business with Matthew Patterson

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program, "All My Coconuts"

I may or may not be a father. I may or may not pass out cigars to celebrate.

Could I or not be some relation to all this?

Quite probably. In soap operas, everyone winds up being related to everyone else somehow.

I think I'm related to Jack. We might have had the same mom.

Lance, I would like to go on acruise, and no, I don't have my own ship. I don't spend very much, except for stock in taco companies... Do you think we can any women to come along?

[Out of character]Lets see...a cruise means life threatening situations and several steamy nights of passion, like me and Megan, rachgd and the Captain, that assasin and a bartender, etc.

Well, Megan can come along.. I don't know about Rachgd..
Maybe we can move the entire cast to a cruise ship or something... we can all sing at high pitches and have adventures on the high seas..

While Rachgd is on a cruise, this will give us an oppertunity to interact with a few supporting charaters and get some (dramatic pause) tacos!

Muhahahahhahahahahahahhahahahhahaahah!

I'm going on a cruise?

No, you're not! We're going back home to rebuild our lives and our successful taco business! *To self* And get those taco recipes to take over Fiji… heh heh heh.

A man walks into a very seedy bar.

Hey,isn't your name Megan?I met you years ago in Port Joel.What do you mean you don't remember me?I remember you.And as I recall,you couldn't keep secrets when you were this drunk.

Bartender?Here this should cover her tab.WHAT?!It's how much?!OK,OK I'll pay (Hands bartender very large sum of cash.).Sheash.

(Notices TV ad for a sea cruise.)Hmm.You say you want to go on that cruise and you don't know why?Well.....alright I'll take you (Carries Megan to his car scince she can't even walk straight.).

My name?Why it's Victor Nightshade (Dramatic music plays as Megan vaguely recalls the name.).

{Victor having second thoughts,drives Megan to the hospital for observation instead of on a cruise and runs into Matthew Patterson,Rachgd,Dr. Jack B. and so forth.}

Who are all you people and what happend to the hospital?Did a bomb go off or what?And why are you talking about going on a cruise?And you sir (Talking to Patterson.),can't you see that woman (Pointing to Rachgd.) needs proper medical attention?Why are you even considering taking her home?

(Gets out of car.)Who am I to be telling you this?I'm Victor Nightshade,an old friend of Megan's.Why?*To self*Why are they looking at me and Megan like that?Do they know her?Or is it because she's drunk?

Matthew! Put rachgd down! She's not going anywhere until she give me those secret taco recipes!

Stay away from my fiance! We're going home to rebuild our lives! (BTW, Victor, the doctors said we could go. So there.) *To rachgd* Don't pay any attention to that guy, he's just a psycho who wants to buy out the business.

I'm not a psycho.Don't listen to him rachgd!
(Victor is distracted by a sound behind him and turns around.)

Megan that was new upholstery in my BMW!

I meant ScottN. You're just some guy I've never met before.

Well, it looks like I'm not the only psycho in Port Mike. I think I'll go mountain climbing in Kansas for a while, then when my enimies get thown in jail, I shall run this town and destroy all the French Doors.

Muhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahah!

Look people.. I can arrange to get on a cruise with first class hospital facilities. I've called a helicopter pilot to fly my private helicopter to this very location, and then all the good guys who want to go on the cruise can do that.. Yes, good guys, because the bad guys have to find their own ways.
Jack, do you have any way to restore Rachgd's memory?

It'll probably slowly trickle back as she sees familiar things. Returning to her apartment might help. However, she is pretty weak, and shouldn't move around a lot. Those wounds will probably heal a few days in to the cruise.
And Lance, if you don't mind, would you please call me Dr. Jack?

Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fein, Dr. Howard.

Dr. Seuss, Dr. Seuss!
Your patients are loose!
Mr. Dribble is running down the up stairs!
Mr. Mott is fuming tearing out his hairs!
Old Mr. Goose believes he's a moose!
Quickly Dr. Seuss, bring the tranquilizer juice!

Here's an idea Dr. Jack.. perhaps we can get her a room that resembles her apartment... or course, we need stuff from her apartment, but that shouldn't be too much of a problem...
Any other clever things on the speaker?

Dr. Pepper, your patients are thirsty.

When the helicopter gets here Lance I'll help you with Rachgds' things.Dr. Jack...could you take a look at Megan,she's starting to sing something about a turtle named Tibby.

I went to the hospital. I had herd a bomb went off there. It sounded a lot like the work of Tom Doninstoks. He must be here at Port Mike. I will finally be able to stop him.

Dr. No, there is a James Bond waiting to see you.
Dr. Demento, a patient has overdosed on really good music.
Dr. Dolittle, you are in the wrong hospital. The animal hospital is just down the road.

Oh, and Dr. Forrester...movie sign!

Well, I suppose a cruise is all right… this is a soap opera after all… but I insist on helping rachgd recover her memories.

Well, then, I think I'll come too. Lance, Megan, and rachgd need a fourth for bridge.

[to himself] Besides, I need to keep an eye on MPatterson so that he doesn't steal those taco recipes while I'm not looking! You know, "Matt Overboard!" has quite a ring to it! Mwahahahah!

Dr. McCoy, the elevator is broken. Please report for escalator duty!

Dr. McCoy, we need some bricks laid.

Dr. McCoy, the magic show is in five minutes.

Somebody turn those bloody speakers down.I can't hear anything over that racket!

Lance,when is your helicopter getting here?

Scott I'm coming on the cruise too,after Lance and I get some things from Rachgd's apartment for her cabin.So I'll be the fourth for bridge,not you.

*To the person playing Dr. Jack B.*The scene is taking place partly in the hall and partly outside since there is a HUGE HOLE IN THE BUILDING!

Dr. Who, do you know what time it is?

Dr. Destiny, it's time for you dream therapy session.

Dr. Welby, we're out of coffee.

Dr. Pulaski, report to geriatrics.

Dr. Crusher, your son has just rewired the MRI, PET & CT equipment. Report to OR, PDQ.

Has anyone seen Dr. Selar, lately?

Ah.. here comes the helicopter now.. and just in time, those speakers were starting to give me a headache..
The copter happens to be large enough to take a good sized apartment with it inside.
I was just thinking, if this soap took place in the future, we could then add a few science fiction things.. flying cars, aliens, spaceships, that sort of thing.

I was just thinking, if this soap took place in the future, we could then add a few science fiction things.. flying cars, aliens, spaceships, that sort of thing.
Lance, go next door to JARSO.

Attention, the Peeved K-NIT viewer has been liqidated for being insolent. Muhahahahahhahhaahahahahahahahahahh!

Now I must become a recurring character, with the mission to hunt down Vcabe and bring him to justice!

Dr. Banner please report to radiology

This is getting rather Phantom Returns-ish. Back with the main plot!

[Getting onto the helicopter with everyone]
So, where is this cruise going to, anyways?

[thinking to himself]I hope one of the places has rather loose extradition laws so that we can do some "Matt Overboard"! MWAHAHAHA!

Actually, I think it's either an around the world cruise or a cruise to the Caribbean or Alaska or something. I know some of the people who own the cruise company, and they owed me a few favors, so I got my choice of ship. We get to decide where we want to go, and we get to keep the copter.

All in favour of the Caribbean over Alaska (I mean, Alaska?!)say "aye!"

And, hey, everyone keep an eye out for Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. If they're anywhere near the ship, I am out of here!

[Victor gets Megan out of the BMW and calls some of his friends on his car phone to get his car.]

There,Megan is strapped in snug between me and you Lance.I vote we go to New Zealand it's just south of Fiji as I recall.

On second thought,we should just go to wherever Rachgd wants to go.

Sounds good to me Victor!!

Welcome to the Pacific Princess.
Gopher get their bags.
Isaac get them a drink, non-alcoholic for Megan.
Just give the ladies medical records to the Doctor.

Hmm.. the Caribbean first, and then if that's successful, maybe New Zealand.
We could go to bermuda and face the famed Bermuda Triangle, but that would make the plot more complex and silly.
Captain, can you find some place for our copter too? Who knows.. we may need it someday.

So, Captain, do they serve.... tacos... on this ship?

Lance. My name is John. I think rachgd is in grave danger. There is an assasin on this boat. He is trying to kill rachgd. Someone on this boat hired him but I don't know who.

Thanks agent John. I'll tell the others to help keep an eye on Rachgd. I'll try to find the hired killer, whoever he or she might be.
Tacos sound good. Pizza sounds good. Even cupcakes sound good.

We're from the Government and we're here to help you.

Ahhhhh, the Caribbean. It's so relaxing and peaceful. Takes my mind off the fact that I have to escort rachgd to her "room" in a few minutes. I wonder what Victor and Megan are doing. They might be able to help.

Hmmmmm, those clouds coming up look bad. Nimbostratus, if I'm not mistaken. I hope that we aren't sailing into a storm...

Hey Lance,Megan went to her cabin to shower,change clothes and get some sleep.

Whispers to Lance-So far no one has caught on to the fact that I'm working for you.I've been watching Megan and Scott like you wanted.Megan hasn't said where she hid the taco recipes only that they're in a safe place.And I saw Scott writing "YOU WILL DIE MATT.OH YES,YOU WILL DIE!!!MWAHAHAHA!",into a small notepad on the flight to the ship.I don't think he noticed me reading the reversed reflection of the words in his mirrored sunglasses.*To self*It's a good thing I can read reflected words.

Is there anything else I can do?

(Studying the cloud formations)
I don't like the looks of this. I'm afraid we've drifted into the dreaded Port Mike Taco Triangle.

1st Mate: Is that dangerous, sir?

Those who've survived have reported terrible storms, murder attempts, lovers spats and hallucinations involving old TV characters.

1st Mate: Wow!

But don't worry, it's usually just the passengers who suffer.

1st Mate: Wooo. That's a relief, sir.

Wow! It's getting cloudy. I'd better take off my (flat black, non-mirrored) sunglasses!

Hey Lance,I see Scott switched glasses AFTER we landed on the ship.Then took them off.He must have TWO pairs.

**A Moment of Reality **

Megan has exams coming up, assignments due, that kind of real-life stuff that prevents her spending her time in Port Mike. (I know. What is she thinking?)

For the moment, I think we should just give her a major case of mal de mer that will confine her to her cabin for the duration.
She has a very weak stomach, you know.
Of course, the real reason for her retreat from society will be a drinking binge...like you couldn't guess.

** End of reality **

Sounds like a good plan, Rachgd.
Hey Scooby! time to solve this case. Where is that bad old ghost?
Welcome to the ship, Mr. and Mrs. Flintstone.
Could it be that ScottN is wearing danger-sensitive sunglasses? the kind that turn dark when danger is near?

Hmmm... It seems that Mpatterson and ScottN are on a crusise together. One will likely eliminate the other, thus leaving me only one villian to compete with. In the event they don't eliminate one of them, I shall blackmail them both. Muhaahhgahahaahhahahahahahahhah!

Hmm.. with most of the good and bad guys on this cruise, that would leave Port Mike open to any villin that wanted the city...

Victor is shot from behind and collapses on the deck.Who did it?

To James,One man..can make a diference Michael.Prepare the car for him Devon.Hi Bo,Luke.Where's Daisy?,falls out of consciousness.

why am i on this ship? arn't I supposed to be in Cleveland?

My friends, we have to get him to the ship hospital right now!
with help, I carry Victor down to the hospital
Doctor, this man has been shot and needs help!

So, ve haf der Control zpy! Shtocker!

Oops... wrong series!

We'll fix him right up. Gopher, go find me an attractive nurse to help me!

HA HA HA!

With Victor hurt like this they will worry about him and forget about rachgd. When that happens I can kill rachgd and get my money.

HA HA HA!

Ok.. here's the plan.. Dr. Jack will stay with Victor because of his being a doctor while the rest of us go back and take care of Rachgd.
I'll be on the first shift while the rest of you enjoy the ship.

**Brief moment of reality**

I forgot to say this earlier.THANK YOU RACHGD!

**End of reality**

Hello Rangers.
If you're wondering why I look different, it's because I had plastic surgery, after being attacked by ninjas.
But it seems you have all had a makeover as well. You now look like the kids on one of those teen dramas like Seventh Creek or Dawson's Heaven, instead of a street gang.
Spicy, take your tongue out of Red's ear, while I'm talking.
Anyway, here it is, the device that will allow me to conquer Port Mike and then the world.
[takes off cover to reveal a sophisticated looking computer]
The Coconut!
This computer has instantaneous hookup to the Internet and downloads like a dream. And the price is unbelievably low.
The Internet is the ultimate drug, nude pictures, bootlegged music, and lots people talking about Star Trek.
This will make it easier for people to get their fix. They'll spend hours online, neglecting school and work, and not paying any attention as I take over.
Muhahahahahahahaha!

I have one good idea and it will not work!

::Clutching at her stomach, looking a little green::

I'm feeling ill. Oh, my! This ship is being tossed! I hope the crew is fearless and courageous, or The Pacific Princess may be lost!

I think I'll join Megan in confinement until the storm passes.

Hmm… while everyone else is disoriented and vomting, I'll just pop off to the hospital and get some lovely drugs to slip in the cupcakes so I can control the government of Fiji. (If rachgd would just give up the tacos, all I'd have to do is promise to share the profits of cold fusion with them.)

Still obsessed with Fiji, are we?
Rachgd, are you suggesting that we let the hired assain get near you?

It's official then. Tacos and cupcakes are now illegal, and anyone who brings any in will be executed on the spot.

All passengers will shuffle when playing shuffleboard.

Anyone caught doing the 'Titanic' flying scene will be keelhauled.

When found all stowaways will become castaways.

Because we are out of port the left side of the ship will now be referred to as ripple.

There are no toilets on the poop deck.