Lance,lets watch my tape first.

Puts tape in machine.Eats popcorn.

[Tape starts.]the Coconut.........instantaneous hookup..internet...downloads....low price......people online for hours.....GARTH RULES!.......[After the Rangers wreck Victor's camera the rest of tape is static.]

MY. GOD!

Well, at least it didn't have Celine Dion singing the theme song.

*hears a noise and jumps through the window. Catches a taxi to the hospital and goes in to see Garth*

So, Mr Stone. We meet again. I bet you never thought that the drunk you picked up in a bar one night would one day possess the most intimate details of your life while you lay in a coma, unable to...oh, man. I had this whole speech and i'm wasting it on a guy who can't even hear me. Well, that calls for a drink. But, Mr Stone, just in case you CAN hear me, I'll be back. *leaves*

Wow.. Garth tried to control the Internet industry..
You know.. I have an urge to reveal myself..
removing the Lance costume
Greetings. I am Jon Wade. I am, of course, Tacoman on a couple other boards. I described myself in the Phantom Returns board.
I just wanted to get that off my chest.. and boy, what it heavy :)
puts the Lance costume back on
Hmm.. I wonder where Megan is... Well, since we're at my house, we can't know where she is, right?
calling megan on her cell phone Megan? this is Lance. I havn't heard from you in a while and was starting to get a bit worried that you might do something rash.

Lets see.
First we need to wait for Megan to get here.
Second we've got to take care of those Rangers (Garth as well,if he comes out of his coma.).
Third we have to disconect the Coconut computer so people won't get on the internet as much as they are now.
Fourth start rebuilding all of Port Mike back to the way it was (More or less.Depends on how badly all the different areas of the city are damaged.).Not to mention taking on all the various bad guy's in town while we're doing all of the other things.

Rachgd.We'll make them pay for this.

Lance.Start calling people in the police and your private henchpeople.Make sure they're people you can trust and that they don't get on the internet (If they aren't on it already.).

I'm here, and I've got the good on Stone. He's toast. And, hey, I picked up this dress on the way here *holds it up against herself*. What do you think?

Hmmmn....it may be time for the introduction of a new character....

::Meanwhile, at the accountant's office::

What? it's all gone? But..but..how can that be? I know I had millions in the bank! My trust fund alone - ! No, no one else has access to these accounts. Well, I mean, of course, Matthew does, for when we need more tortillas and such, but I know that my dear Matthew would never -! Why, he's devoted to the business! I trust him so much, I have even willed it to him, in the event of what I had previously considered my highly unlikely premature death.

Excuse me? No, of course he doesn't know that! How could he?

No, no, you must be mistaken! I know Matthew, and he's so trustworthy, so loyal! He'd never...

What's that? Fiji? Sailor Moon? I..er..whatever do you mean?

Victor, I know a few construction companies here, Port Joel, Lake Crow, and Servoville. I happen to know that I can trust most of their workers. I'll give them a call.
calling the various companies, each time explaining the situation. As a favor, they decide to do the job
Well, reconstruction has been handled.
So how do we disconnect the Coconut computer? I guess we should first damage or destroy the plant so no more get made... find customers...

Lance, can you do me a favor. Make sure the construction crews don't disturb the old abandoned French Door Factory at the edge of town, or there will be coniquences.

*Talking to a hypnotist…*

Yes, Doctor. Thank you so much. You'll have your check for *puts finger to lips in Dr. Evil manner* one MILLION dollars as soon as you've brainwashed rachgd into being my servant.

*out of character* Whatever happened to James?

Victor, is there anybody we could send to see if the old French Door Factory is really abandoned? Perhaps that's where the Coconut computer is being made...
opening a window and whoever's throwing things through my doors, please stop. it's getting expensive, since I have to import a door from another town.

Other than ourselves,I don't know of anyone we could send.

Um

Er...

Is it about time to wrap this thing up, folks?

Lets go see if the french door factory's abandoned ourselves.

There,I said it.I'm proud I said it.And I'm not sorry I said it.But I might regret having said it later.Anyway lets get some supplies and go!

Sounds like a plan, victor.
Alright.. flashlight... dark clothing...video camera...
heavy weapons, just in case we need them.

Meanwhile, I shall go to the French Maid Factory. It's not as dangerous, but certain to be more fun.

*Two thugs in a black car drive up in front of rachgd's house. They bust down the door and carry a screaming rachgd outside. The shove her in the car and drive off into the night.*

I thought rachgd was at Lance Pepperman's house? Or is it really rachgd's evil twin?

It must be Rachgd's evil twin.Rachgd's over there at Lance's mansion.I saw them go in.

I thought Rachgd left to go to the bank and found out she's broke.

Lance,I thought Rachgd was supposed to be back from the bank by now.What's going on.Where is she?

[Morgan buys failing radio station K-MJN.]
Muwahahahahahahahaha![Makes call to have the radio station turned into a doughnut factory by next month.]Maybe I'll buy the tv station next and have them say nothing but good things about me,how my taking over my cousin's french door factory and the radio station actually helped generate more jobs than it it eliminated.

I have no idea... she could be wandering the streets or something... when we stake out the factory, we'll look for her, too.

Hello, young lady... Why are you wandering the streets at this hour?

Hello? Perhaps you did not read my post earlier, where my ninjas CAPTURED her and took her away for BRAINWASHING! But back to the story…

*Rachgd is tied to a chair securely. A doctor with a crystal on a pendant is seated in front of her waving the crystal about.*

The taco business in town belongs to Matthew Patterson. You are not the owner. ScottN is Satan incarnate and must be destroyed. Matthew saved you from a life on the streets. You must obey him in all things. The taco business in town belongs to Matthew…

What's that? You say your name is Muffy, and you came from Port Joel looking for fame? Look, kid, Port Mike can be a dangerous place with villains like Mpatterson [ed. note: nyah nyah nyah], Morgan Nightshade, ScottN, or CCabe's Evil Twin running loose... Why don't you go to this shelter?

[hands Muffy a card]

Good luck, aaarrrrggghh...
[falls to the ground as a piece of a shattered french window grazes him on the head]

ATTENTION NITCENTRAL RESIDENTS! AUDITIONS FOR THE PART OF MUFFY, THE NAIVE KID FROM PORT JOEL ARE OPEN NOW. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED SOAP OPERA.

Matt,I read your earlier post.I was expressing concern about the fact that she hadn't come back.Which indirectly refers to your post.That's what I get for trying to be subtle.

Lance,I think Rachgd is in danger.What happened to all the other good guys around here?We seem to have very little manpower now.We need Dr. Jack B. at least so we can go into two groups.One to look at the factory and the other group to look for Rachgd.[Slaps hand against head.]Geez,I'm slow sometimes.I'll call my brother.[Calls Will Nightshade.]You'll be here in a few minutes?GREAT!

Hi!I'm here.You must be Megan and Lance.Lance you got a snooty butler dude.He almost didn't let me in.What's up?

*Megan has been clinging around Rachel's stomach under the large black coat Rachel was wearing at the time of her capture. Precisely WHAT Megan was doing there in the first place is irrelevant*

Rachel! Quick, while they're watching Ricki Lake! If I wriggle out you could probably slip free, too. Mmmm, but it sure was cozy for a moment there, huh?

Hmmmm, seems like something that might turn up on the Port Mike slash fiction page.

Is there something Megan and Rachel aren't telling us?
Victor, I suppose I could call in a few of the construction people...

Lets see...who's the next patient...It's the friendly cop, who's always helping people. What happened, officer?

Friendly Cop tells Dr. Jack B. about Muffy

I see. Well, I should be able to fix you up in a few minutes. It sure has been busy here at the hospital since Garth took over.

ATTENTION. WE ARE NOW AIMING PORT MIKE AT THE MALE DEMOGRAPHIC 18 TO DEAD. IN KEEPING WITH THIS NEW MARKETING, MUFFY WILL NO LONGER BE A NAIVE YOUNG GIRL FROM PORT JOEL, BUT WILL BECOME A SEX KITTEN IN VARIOUS STAGES OF UNDRESS (see megan for an example). WE ARE STILL HOLDING AUDITIONS. THANK YOU.

[Answers the phone]
Yes, this is the Mayor pro-tem for-life, how can I help you?

[suddenly a shot rings out]


AA
A
A
ARGH!

Morgan listening in.Well it wasn't my henchmen who shot him.They weren't going to do that untill tomorrow (Lousy union.).

Make fun of my sense of humor will you?
Muhahahahahahahaha!

I call Dr. Jack B. at the hospital on the phone (I looked up the number.OK?) and explain that Garth's toast (Megan told me and Lance about that earlier remember?) and Lance,my brother Will and I need his help to look for Rachgd and to check out the abondoned french door factory.

Alright.. I'm going to place a few calls to some people I know who can help.
on phone
Yes.. Louie "chilie" Pepperman please? Thanks.
yeah Louie.. It's Lance... yeah, still living in Port Mike.. you heard about Garth's takeover, right? good. here's what I want you to do.. make your way over here with you company, because we have people to find and places to search, and we're short on people.
Yes..Yes...No.. So how's mom? great, glad to hear it. See you soon. Bye.
hanging up phone and turning to Victor
Louie is a cousin of mine and happens to run a small construction company. In fact, his company was one of those hired to rebuild the city. He said he will help us, and that he will be here pretty soon.

?

rachgd: As far as I can tell you, or a like-a-look, have been kidnapped and hypnotized by Mpatterson.

Megan somehow hid under your coat and is trying to rescue you. (Personally, I think she was drunk and just dreamed she was hiding under your coat.)

ScottN has been shot (yay!) by m... um, persons unknown. We'll probably never know who shot him, so we shouldn't even bother trying to find out.
He will probably end up sharing a room with Garth in the hospital. Where we can hear lots more of those hilarious hospital announcements. (yay!)

Lance and Victor have called in some relatives to help them find out what's going on.

ringing a doorbell, a door opens revealing Lance's snooty butler yeah.. Is Lance around? tell him it's his cousin, Louie. Sorry for the small bulldozer parked in the driveway, but that was the only vehicle I could find.
Hey Lance, it's Louie, your favorite cousin!
What can I do to help?

The name of course should be louie "Chilie" Pepperman. Form some reason, the username didn't accept the quotes...

I wholehearted deny commiting the assasination of Mayor ScottN. However, you never know what your evil twin is up to.

Yes, Garth Stone is dead. But I was talking about a different Garth...

Hey, dude. Party on, Dr. Jack.

tacos... rachgd... mpatterson... mysterious shooter... help...

hmmmm. So, ScottN has been shot?? Eh. Now he will never be able to win MY MONEY!!!!! Everything goes according to plan. Mwhaaaaa.

With all the potshots ScottN took at people, it was only a matter of time before someone took a potshot at him.

Slice: Mr. Stone's dead? (breaks into tears)
Crunch: Bummer.
Red: What do we do now?
Fry: Find whoever did it and make them pay.

TV Newsman: This just in Mrs. Garth Stone, who was believed to have died in a private plane crash has just been found alive.

Pepper: Oh, wow! What a plot twist.
Spicy: Do you think she likes kids?

turning to Victor
Hello. you must be Victor Nightshade. Lance has told me a bit about you and your problems. What do you want me to do? Who's on the team to rescue this Rachgd, and who will go stake out the factory?
And why would ScottN win Ben Stein's money?

My brother and Lance will find Rachgd or her double (wichever).You and I have to go and stake out the abandoned french door factory.And I don't know why ScottN would win Ben Stein's money.

*Note to Dr. Jack B.*I wasn't talking about the other Garth who took over the hospital.I just thought you might not have known about Garth Stone,which is a moot point now.Since I caught the news bulletin about him being alive.

*Thinking to self*I wonder what Morgan's up to.

I wasn't drunk : )

Alright Victor, when do we start?
noticing Megan wander into the room
Well, hello beautiful. Allow me to introduce myself.. I am Louie Pepperman, Lance's cousin.

A Note on the Garth confusion:
What? As far as I can tell, there were two Garth's, Garth Stone and Garth Algar. Garth Stone died at some point, after being in a coma. Garth Algar, known for being on Wayne's World, was just in the hospital for a quick joke. Mrs. Garth Stone is alive, however.

Also, I seem to remember a post somewhere in which ScottN said he was going to go on Win Ben Stein's Money. I may be wrong.

You're not the only one who's confused. Garth Stone was just in a coma until Dr. Jack B. said he was dead.
(Boy, I ask the producers for a little time off to do a one-man show, they promise to have my character come out of the coma at the end of the run and now I'm out of work and have to go back to being a waiter. Sheesh!
I wonder if Phantom Returns is hiring? I could play a superhero.)

*Fishes out a certificate - stolen from Garth's safe - from her bra* I (consider that bolded - I've forgotten how to do it and can't be bothered looking it up on the other board) am Mrs Garth Stone. I told you he was toast. He must have married me that night when he was trying to get his hands on the taco recipes. How far will a guy go?

Turned to the camera, as if explaining to the viewers at home

Victor called me up earlier and told me that "Garth's toast". He most likely meant Garth Stone, because he was the only Garth in town at that point.

Turns slightly, with the camera moving so that Megan is now in the shot

Megan, while your revelation is very surprising and soap-like, I would like to point out that a recent news report suggested that Mrs. Garth Stone was believed to have died in an air crash. I don't recall that having happened to you. Doe this mean that there are now two Mrs. Garth Stones?

A man with fiery red hair gets out of a taxicab, and talks to the cabbie

So this is Port Mike. What a dump! They told me over in Port Joel that this was the place to be. I'll have to sue my travel agent and career counselor.

Listens to the cabbie explain that there has been some, errrrr... umm.... "civil disorder", yeah that's the ticket, "civil disorder"

Yeah, maybe. I hope this will be a good place to open a Coconut juice bar.

I think I'll go by what Megan and Dr. Jack B. said and accept the fact Garth Stone's dead (She said he was toast back on September the 18th before Dr. Jack B. said he was dead.)Garth Stone's dead!Mrs. Garth Stone is indeed alive and she also happens to be Megan.

Rachgd,you were kidnapped by Mpatterson (who tried to have you hypnotized) and you were saved by Megan who was hiding under your coat (Why she was under there I don't know).So Rachgd you're either back here at the mansion or at your apartment (You decide.).

ScottN was shot by person's unknown.And is in a coma.

Morgan has been buying up Port Mike piece by piece.

Lance and I have called in relatives to help out.

Garth Algar was here for a quck joke by the actor who plays Dr. Jack B.(It backfired.).

To the good guys and girls in this soap,lets all go to the abandoned french door factory.OK?

[Victor looking at the camera.]I hate it when people post while I'm typing up a post myself.

Ok,we might have two Mrs. Garth Stones since I don't remember Megan being in a plane crash either.

Villians marrying more that one woman is common.But which one did he marry first if there are indeed two Mrs. Garth Stones?

(in the morgue)
Wait a minute! This man isn't dead!

(police enter)
Police: Excuse me, Doctor Morgan, but your licence has been suspended pending investigation and we would like to ask you a few questions.

Uh, look behind you!
(police turn, Dr. Morgan runs out of room followed by the police.)

(Suddenly, the person on the slab groans and gets up, with no memory of who he is or what he's doing there and staggers out of the room.
Dramatic music plays: Duh duh DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!)

Suddenly Morgan's henchmen show up in the morgue and shoot and toss hand grenades at the moving person on the slab after just as Dr. Morgan and the police leave and then detonate explosives,leaving the whole hospital nothing but a ruined mess.They stay and shoot or blow up everything that moves under the rubble.Just to make sure they call in an airstrike and blow it all up again.

And yes they made sure the amnesiac guy who staggered out of the room died first.

(Meanwhile Garth Stone, who had staggered out of the hospital before Dr. Morgan discovered that another patient was still alive, is picked up by a friendly person, who has no affiliation with Morgan Nightshade, and drives away into the night.)

Who said I was trying to kill you?You aren't my only enemy in this town.

This still doesn't explain how both Megan and Dr. Jack B. could be wrong.Did Garth take a drug to simulate death?

Morgan's group of henchwomen who had been staking out the hospital watch Garth as he gets into the car and follow him.And contact the henchmen join them in the pursuit.

Hello Megan,I'm Will Nightshade.Now before we leave for the abandoned french door factory.Where did you leave Rachgd after you saved her?And might I add you look incredible,fantastic,unbelievable and cute too.

Um, I don't know where I left Rachel - in her loungeroom watching 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', I think.

I don't think I said Garth was dead. I said he was toast, which meant that I had information that could cause major troubles for him - now revealed to be the fact that we got married. But about this other Mrs...mein Got! (is that German for My God???) He's a bigamist! BTW I'm a Ms. and I kept my own name : )

If the first Mrs. Stone was legally dead when Garth married Megan, he would not be a bigamist.

Either Garth had gone into a cataleptic state when Dr. Jack B. pronounced him dead, or Dr. Jack B. is just a bad doctor. I lean toward the latter theory, myself.

To the person who posts as Morgan Nightshade: How would you like it if someone played God with your characters? Play fair with other posters or get out.
Also completely destroying a hospital and bringing in an airstrike is above and beyond the bounds of a soap opera.

KAM,I've seen an two entire buildings get destroyed on a real life soap opera (Days Of Our Lives).So in my opinon that's not out of bounds.

But,you are right that I shouldn't have brought in an airstrike.That was way out of bounds.

I apologize to everyone on the board.Lets just say Morgan's henchmen messed up the hospital morgue real bad and Morgan just dreamed that the hospital was totally destroyed.OK?

You know, a place like this can't use a Coconut juice bar right now... Maybe I'll go into business making French Doors. I wonder if there are any French Door factories for sale?

searches Port Mike Inquirer classifieds

Hmmmm... Looks like there's an abandoned French Door factor for sale... Maybe I'll go check it out.

To Morgan, Will, Victor, etc. That's fine with me.

I did not mean to imply that just blowing up a hospital was over bounds. I guess my sentence wasn't as clear as I meant it to be.

I can't say what they do on Days Of Our Lives as I feel that is the worst written thing on television. Even worse than Pokemon. I can't stand to even listen to a few minutes of it's so-called dialogue.

Megan: "do we have to be in full share mode?"

Um...so where am I, again?

From what Megan said Rachgd,you're at home watching 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' in your loungeroom.

If it's Buffy, The Vampire Slayer, shouldn't she watch it in her Lunge Room?

Buffy's a good show. I'd Stake my reputation on it.

Some of those heartwarming moments just get me right here. (taps chest)

Well, time to go. I could use a bite.

Port Mike, My kind of town.

*Talking to the hypnotist on the phone.* And you'e sure you got the mental conditioning set up before she escaped? Good. *Hangs up.*

*To assorted cats.* Buwahahahahahahahahahaha! At the sound of my voice, rachgd will instantly serve my every whim! Buwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

[Victor and Will go outside and wait for the others.]I don't know why we talked for so long.We have to go to the abandoned french door factory.

Just wait a minute, mate! Days of Our Lives is a great show. In fact, all of those soaps are great shows. Not great in the sense of 'Betty Blue' or anything like that, but great in that they have found ways to sustain single storylines for years and years.

Seriously, sometimes the best thing to do (for me, so don't anybody jump down my throat) is to be thought-less. I'd go mad from thinking if I didn't have forms of escapism such as crappy tv, books and magazines. I mean that, too. So shows that fill the niche for those who need NOT TO THINK surely cannot be judged by the same standards as shows that seek to stimulate thought.

Alright, everybody to a vehicle. We're going to the factory.
Louie and I will go in his bulldozer.
You're all welcome to use any vehicle that I have in my garage.
We'll make this like the movie
"It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world," with all sorts of vehicles headed for one goal.

[pulls up in front of the abandoned french door factory]

Hmm... this is the address in the ad... why are all these cars pulling up?

Ooooh, I'll take the amphibious car.

*Out of character* Well, KAM, it must have been that Garth had gone into a cataleptic state, because in the soap, Dr. Jack B. is a fine doctor. Or maybe we can just blame this on an equipment malfunction. I realize that doesn't really make since, but let's ignore it, shall we?

Victor and Will get into a Messerschmidt Two Seater (It was made after World War II.But was not very popular.).

Uh... this is getting too JARSO and Phantom Return-ish

Maybe after we check out the factory, we can race all these vehicles.
getting a phone call
yes.. yes.. what do you mean all the cars in town seem to be headed for the abandoned French door factory? Oh.. just that.. Ok.. thanks for the information. Bye.hangs up phone
Alright people.. I just got a phone call from an informant of mine.. It seems that the good people of Port Mike are congregating upon the french door factory, or at least their cars are.

Megan: Yours is the best explanation for why Days Of Our Lives is still on that I've ever heard. I shall begin dumbing down my posts now.

Oooooh, shiny objects!

(sitting on a plane talking to the passenger next to her)
...I used to be a journalist, but then I met this doctor, and we travelled all over the place, which caused me to miss deadlines, or the story would be squashed by this top secret organization he was affiliated with. Eventually we went our seperate ways, although he did give me a nice dog. A few years later I met Garth and he...

Passenger: Why are you telling me this?

It's exposition, darling, it has to go somewhere. Now where was I?

Passenger: Stewardess, I'll have the largest glass of the strongest drink you have.

Stewardess: We're called Flight Attendents now, and you'll drink what I give you.

At first Garth and I were happy, but after his accident he started to become more and more erratic, and I think he was trying to kill me...

Keith, you sound like a magpie : )

Weren't Heckle & Jeckle magpies?

I thought that it was the ravens and crows that stole shiny objects.
Don't Magpies imitate things?

When making Magpie, always be sure to buy the freshest Mag you can find.

[hits Julia Child with a meat tenderizer]

BAM!

Magpies are black and white (and incidentally, the emblem of the football (Aussie rules) team that I barrack for). Um, you're right - Ravens are the ones that steal shiny things. I think cuckoos do too (trying to remember her Enid Blyton). When Rachel comes on, she can clarify. Rach, do magpies steal as well?

Getting into various makes of autos owned by Lance and driving them to the abandoned french door factory is

---

Quote:

getting to JARSO and Phantom Return-ish.

---

a) Magpies do steal shiny objects.
b) Heckle and Jeckle were not magpies.
c) Magpies do not, to the best of my knowledge, imitate things.
d) Port Mike is getting kinda JARSO-ish...but that's okay. No superheroes yet.
e) Everyone sing: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Jaaaaames...happy birthday to you!
f) Hip hip hooray!

Perfect!I now own most of the businesses around the city limits of Port Mike but unfortunately I own only five busninesses in the city itself (Morgan decided not to buy the tv station.).Hmm...Garth seems to own a good deal of the rest.And what's this [Reads the current Port Mike Inquirer].Ahh!The story I planted about Victor was printed.Soon dear cousin Victor you will pay for what you did to me.Two wounds for two wounds!

Muwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Heckle & Jeckle were also known as The Talking Magpies, which was also the name of the 1946 cartoon that introduced them.

Now that ScottN is not going to get MY money [salutes], I wonder what I should buy?

I would suggest that TV station Morgan passed up. You could start out with Win Ben Stein's Money and Turn Ben Stein On, then develop more diverse programming, such as All of Ben Stein's Children or i{Ben Stein-feld}. Well, bye.

Dr. Jack B. hangs up the phone, but continues talking as if somebody could hear him

Hey, that dog over there looks like the one I gave to a girl long ago. What was her name? Susan or Sasha or something. What a time we had. But I was weird, and told her I was part of all these conspiracies (which I'm not), and she believed me. I wonder what ever happened to her...

I would suggest that TV station Morgan passed up. You could start out with Win Ben Stein's Money and Turn Ben Stein On, then develop more diverse programming, such as All of Ben Stein's Children or Ben Stein-feld. Well, bye.

Dr. Jack B. hangs up the phone, but continues talking as if somebody could hear him

Hey, that dog over there looks like the one I gave to a girl long ago. What was her name? Susan or Sasha or something. What a time we had. But I was weird, and told her I was part of all these conspiracies (which I'm not), and she believed me. I wonder what ever happened to her...

I would suggest that TV station Morgan passed up. You could start out with Win Ben Stein's Money and Turn Ben Stein On, then develop more diverse programming, such as All of Ben Stein's Children or Ben Stein-feld. Well, bye.

Dr. Jack B. hangs up the phone, but continues talking as if somebody could hear him

Hey, that dog over there looks like the one I gave to a girl long ago. What was her name? Susan or Sasha or something. What a time we had. But I was weird, and told her I was part of all these conspiracies (which I'm not), and she believed me. I wonder what ever happened to her...

speaking to the entire group via cell phone conference call
Look.. I can see the factory just up ahead.
Louie, see what's happening at the factory through these binoculars.
Louie looks at the factory through binoculars
Louie: Strange.. more cars are pulling up, and the people are waking zombie-like into the building chanting "coconut"

Dr. Jack, could you repeat that, please? I didn't quite get it the first three times : )

I really am going to have to sue that business consultant! What kind of looney place is this Port Mike?

Nah, what's up, doc?

It has come to our attention here at K-NIT 47 that most people aren't watching "Port Mike" anymore. To combat this, we've planned a special episode. We call this episode...The Port Mike Just-Before-Sweeps Special! We are carefully spreading rumors right now, but we will say this:

-The episode will have a thrilling climax in the French Door Factory

-the episode will include all major and minor characters, including Muffy, Sarah Jane, Red Floyd, and the hypnotist.

-We've filmed several scenes that won't be in the episode, so we can show you these clips:
Dr. Jack B. steps into a closet with Muffy
A crowd of coconut-chanting people close in on Lance Pepperman
Morgan Nightshade steps into a closet with Megan
The French Door Factory explodes
The Government Agent beat up the Hired Assasin
Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar pull reveal the #2 spot on their "Top Ten Babes" list (Kim Bassinger)
ScottN steps into a closet with one of the Rangers
...and more! Watch it!

I'm gonna be there!

You missed a scene.. and this one is rather tragic..
The death of Louie Pepperman... he tries to protect his cousin and gets cocoanuts thrown at him, killing him.

Well, of course, no has been watching. The show's been on hiatus while the network runs specials like Pro Football: Behind The Linebackers, When Anime Attacks! & Who Wants To Be A Magpie? hosted by Regis Philbin.

I hope it's a female Ranger...

"I'm not a villain, but I play one on TV..."

I just remembered... It is the mockingbird that imitates things.

Since your wife doesn't want you to have any online girlfriends, we've cast Crunch as the Ranger who'll go into the closet with you.

Don't worry. It's just acting and he's promised, no tongue.

Sincerely, the Casting Director

Yeah.. but wouldn't you then have a problem when it's time for the two of them to come out of said closet?
Heck.. I'd voluntere to go into a closet with any female character... Any takers?

If that's the case, I don't want to go into the closet! I'm happy, though that Crunch the Ranger will be coming out of the closet.

Remember, folks, PAL!

"I'm not a villain, but I play one on TV!"

You'll never get out of soaps if you're not prepared to do more than ripple your muscles and look manly.

Would it make you feel better if Crunch just beat you up in the closet, instead?

Victor and Will pull up beside Louie and Lance.

Will:I heard what you said on the cell phone Louie.This is not good.

Victor:Well,I sure wasn't expecting this.

I'd only be in the closet with Megan to kill her.Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!Muwahahahahahahahaha![Deep breath.]Muwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

watching the crowd
No.. this is not good at all.
Suddenly the crowd notices the Peppermans and the Nightshades. They start to react by reaching for their coconut weapons and start throwing them at the heros
Louie: Lance, Nightshades, what out!
Louie positions himself and his bulldozer in front of the other good guys, and in the process is pelted with several dozen heavy coconuts, severly wounding him
Lance: LOUIE! NOOOOOOOO! Is there a doctor aroud here?
Louie: Please.. no medical help... remember, this was fated by the previews.
Louie Pepperman coughs up a little blood and dies in the arms of his friends. meanwhile, sad music plays from nowhere in particular

Louie, Louie
Oh Whoa!
We gotta go
Wow wow wow wow woooooow!

My client refuses to go into the closet with Crunch.

finishes wandering around the old abandoned french door factory.

well, maybe this dump can be made operational again, so that i can sell french doors...

looks out of an upstairs window.

what the **** is going on out there? Why are people throwing coconuts?

Mwahahahahah! I snuck in and put that capital "W" into red floyd's post! I am now out of the hospital, thanks to a miraculous off-screen cure!

Doctor 1: Well, that cure certainly worked wonders on Mayor ScottN. By the way, I should have asked this earlier, but what were the side effects.

Doctor 2: An uncontrollable desire to break out into show tunes whenever someone says Coconut.

Doctor 1: What are the odds of that happening in Port Mike?

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!
What do you think about this controversy involving the Coconut computer?

[takes out a straw hat and cane, and starts dancing like Michigan Frog]
Hello my baby! Hello my darling! Hello my rag time gal!

Morgan goes straight and signs over his mansion and all his holdings to Rachgd (except for the pizza stands.Because he loves pizza.).

Morgan stops his henchpeople from following Garth,fires them and suggests they try working for Mpatterson,Garth or ScottN (once he stops singing show tunes.).

Morgan calls Megan on her cell phone and says he's sorry about the wine that turned to vineger that he sold her.

[I see you're all stunned.Well here's more.]Morgan has the story about Victor retracted.Then he leaves Port Mike never to be heard of again.

sigh

I think the guy who wrote last night's Angel episode must be from Port Mike because some of Kate's lines sounded like things Megan would say.

[finished with his song, now addressing the Pesky Reporter(s)]

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press, I'm here today to announce that, not only may rachgd be or not be pregnant, but she's got a lovely bunch of coconuts.... oh no!

Hello my baby! Hello my Darlin'! Hello my ragtime gal!...

What, "sigh"?

ScottN, can't you sing another song? What about, 'On the Street where you live'. That's a lovely tune.

Ooooh! Or 'Hello, Dolly' or 'Summertime'. Actually, I love the latter, so sing that one, pleeeeease.

Victor:Calm down Lance,I'm sorry but we have to leave if the others don't get here very soon.

Will talking on Lance's cell phone to the others (and dodging coconuts):Louie's already dead and we might be next!What's taking you all so long?We need HELP!

Voice over:The crowd at the french door factory moves ever closer.What will happen to our heroes next?

You put the lime in the coconut
you drink it all up

(The sound of machine gun fire is heard over the crowd.)
Thought you would be in over your head. Fortunately my old batallion just happened to be in town for a reunion. We were known as the Battling Butlers.

(To the suddenly quiet unruly mob.)
All right, drop those cocnuts and put your hands in the air, or we'll treat you as if you were a Falkland sheep!

Thanks, faithful butler.
Falkland sheep? I didn't know you were that lonely.

I H*A*T*E that song!
[pulls out gun and shoots ScottN in the head. ScottN is DEAD DEAD DEAD]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

[men in white coats come and take him away]

Yes, that was an authorized killing.

And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain...

Very droll, sir.
Almost as hilarious as the multiple entendres quipped by that Internet character that Mpatterson thinks is written by rachgd.

why is there an army outside of this french door factory? and who is this young naive looking young lady, wearing a sweatshirt that says, "Muffy" (it's ok to capitalize that, it's a quote)? what is this obsession everyone in port mike has with tacos, coconuts, and french doors?

i am definitely going to sue my business consultant... anyone know a good lawyer?

Who is Lnce, and is his snooty butler related to Lance's snooty butler?

H h, you rrognt bstrd.

One of the keys on my keybord isn't working nd I hven't hd time to get it fixed.

nymore smrtlc remrks nd you cn kiss my ss.

Is it time for a new board yet?

(Suddenly, after his last post a group calling itself the PC Patrol kidnap Lance's Snooty Butler, and brainwash him into being a more Polically Correct individual and return him. In an incredibly short period of time.)

Oh, hello there. I am now Lance's Kind & Courteous Butler. So sorry about that last post.
Can I get anyone a drink?

I could definantely use a drink.

Well, Evil Twin, we have plenty of coconut juice...

so who are all you people, and why are you at this abandoned french door factory that i was going to buy? what is with this town anyways?

I'm Victor Nightshade and this is my brother Will.That's Lance Pepperman,his late cousin Louie,his formerly snooty butler and the butlers' old batallion "the Battling Butlers".And that sinister man there is Ccabe's evil twin.*To self*When did Ccabe's evil twin get here?

We're here to disconect the coconut computer and destroy the factory making them,which we think is hidden here (the coconuts the crowd threw at us and their coming here seem to support this.).If we're wrong about the factory and computer being here,then all of this was for nothing.

What do you mean "what is with this town anyways?"?

well, you all seem like a bloody bunch of loonies!

So, Victor, Will, is there anything I can do to help. I parked your amphibious car over there, in that...um...wall. Hey, there's someone over there! Get away from that car, you. Wait a second...it's you!

Victor:Yeah there is Dr. Jack, help "the Battling Butlers" keep the crowd at bay.

Will:Red,If you don't like it here with us "loonies",you can leave.We aren't forcing you to stay.

Victor:*To self*Where's Megan?Getting drunk again?

[talking on cell phone]
yeah... i'll take it... with the weirdos around here labor should be cheap... transfer the money from my swiss account.

[hangs up the cell phone. raises voice to address crowd]

o.k. all you people out there... this is now *my* french door factory, and i'd appreciate it if you'd leave... unless you'd like to apply for a job at red floyd's famous french doors.

Excuse me, but according to the accountants, ownership of this factory was transferred to my husband before his death.

Hold on.. are there computers being manufactured in the factory or not?
I'm kinda confused.

i thought this was an abandoned french door factory, and since it had a big "for sale" sign out front, i just now bought it... it is now red floyd's famous french doors.

Crunch: The computers are being made in...mmmph, ggglll (Pepper puts her hand over Crunch's mouth)

Pepper: Gee Mrs. Stone, I think you misread the street number.

Fine we'll go.
[Victor and Will leave.Not noticing Pepper and Crunch.]

Luckily, I noticed Pepper and crunch
What was that you said, Crunch?
Picking Crunch up by his jacket collar Care to repeat? I happen to know of a variety of angry people carrying coconuts that might like to meet you

What Lance doesn't seem to realize is that Crunch, as the name would seem to imply, is the size of a football player. Also he has a very short temper, especially when people grab him by the jacket collar. Now let's watch what happens, shall we?

Crunch growls incoherently slams into Lance, causing him to lose his grip. Just as he's about to clobber Lance Mrs. Stone says from her limo: Crunch! It's time to go.

Crunch leaves Lance on the ground and quickly climbs into the limo, which then leaves.

getting up Well, that was ••••••..
Alright, what's next?

The angry mob doesn't know it yet, but we've secretly replaced their coconuts with Folger's Crystals^TM. Let's see if they notice.

Ummmmm, Sarah, this might not be the best thing to say to an old flame who I haven't seen in years, but ... technically the factory would be owned by Megan, considering how you were legally dead and your husband remarried. But didn't he turn out to still be alive? Whatever happened to him?

Doctor?
(Sarah Jane looks closely at Jack B.)
You've changed again.
Is this your 7th or 8th face lift?

Sarah, I've never had a face lift in my life. Maybe you should change your contacts. You can't wear Single Use for two weeks!

I AM JAMES!!!!!!!! that is all I have to say.........lol

We really REALLY want a new board. This one takes too long to load.