For those who don't want to go back and actually read what happened, here is a breif rundown of recent events.
Garth Stone - created the Coconut computer, which got everyone in Port Mike addicted to the Internet. He was attacked and declared dead by Dr. Jack B., but later, unbeknownest to everyone but Morgan Nightshade, Garth stumbled out of the Morgue and was picked up by persons unknown.

rachgd - kidnapped by Mpatterson, then rescued by Megan. Hasn't been seen lately.

Megan - discovered that she was married to Garth Stone while in an alcoholic stupor, rescued rachgd from Mpatterson.

Sarah Jane Stone - Garth's first wife believed dead, but recently discovered alive.

Lance Pepperman - along with Will Nightshade and their various relatives, believed they discovered the site where the Coconut computer was being built, at an abandoned French Door factory, where Lance's cousin Louie died saving Lance's life.

(OK, there are some other characters, but hey, I didn't feel like going back and rereading all the stuff either.)

Anyway, these are the continuing days of Port Mike.

(Music swells, Roll credits)

Have you considered changing the name of this town to Port Frank?

At this point, Dr. Jack B. is having an uncomfortable reunion with former love interest Sarah Jane (they were together before she met Garth Stone). The Peppermans and the Nightshades are nearby, trying to stop the Coconut Computer. Also, Morgan Nightshade left, so Garth's return will be a surprise for all the characters.

ok, i've changed my mind. this is a pretty boring town... and now that everybody's fixed their french doors, nobody wants any!

Um, things don't really change in this town. I'm back from exams (exams exams always exams) and coconuts and french doors are still high on the agenda. Hello, everybody!

Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
M, I, G, H, T, Y
M, E, G, A, N

Mighty Megan!

Sarah Jane!

Mighty Megan!

Sarah Jane!

Forever raise your glasses high, high, high, high!
Grab a bottle, drain it dry, wake up in someone's bed!

M, I, G, H, T, Y
M, E, G, A, N!

Beer bad!

?

Reference to an episode we haven't seen yet, Meeg. Not till next year. Darn it.

Wouldn't you know it? All it took was a mention of Buffy to get me back to Port Mike!

I wonder if this place is on a Hellmouth? That would explain where I've been all this time, wouldn't it? Among other things...

When I had Morgan sign over all of his holdings except for the pizza stands to Rachgd.Did she in turn sign them over to Mpatterson while still under hypnosis?

It is the ruling of this court that the marriage of Garth and Megan was illegal as Megan was too drunk to give her consent.
Sarah Jane Stone is the rightful heir to Garth Stone's estate.

At least I'm not a vampire or other form of undead yet..
Hey... best I can think of for now.

Here, wear this target over your heart, just in case.

*being dragged, kicking and screaming from the courtroom* You haven't seen the last of me yet! That money is mine! Mine! Mine!

who is that attractive, yet obviously insane woman?

Could you be more specific?

Few posts.Cold.So very cold.

Let me warm you up.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

the one kicking and screaming about the money...

Oh! That's Megan.

Port Mike has a lot of attractive, but obviously insane women running about.

Matthew Patterson is the greatest person in the world. Matthew Patterson is glorious and wonderful. We should all bow down in worship before the majesty of Matthew Patterson. All the money I have in the world I turn over to Matthew Patterson. The codes for all of my Bank Accounts are...

There is a snap of someone's fingers.

Wha - gosh, I'm sorry doctor, did I fall asleep again? I do keep doing that, don't I? I can't imagine what is wrong with me. Is Matthew here to pick me up yet? I am so glad he suggested I go into therapy to try to deal with all of the turmoil of these past months. The loss of my fortune was particularly hard...

Oh, well. At least I'll always have Matthew to rely on. He's such a good friend to me. Like a brother, really. What would I do without him?

Wonder what I've been doing? I've been driving around the city thinking...
And yes... this city seems to be full of attractive, insane women.... That's why I love this city.

*Note*Victor's living with his brother untill he can find a new house or apartment.

Victor calls Lance:Hi Lance.Any word on the Coconut computer?What!?Speak up!I'm getting some heavy static!

hmmm... what's this headline in the port mike weekly world enquirer-globe? "rachgd's got a lovely bunch of coconuts!" "rachgd may or may not be pregnant, and ccabe's evil twin may or may not be the father?" is this what passes for news in this one horse town?

That's old news, mate.

Port Mike Inquisitor. Page 1. 70c. 19/11/1999

RACHGD DECIDES TO LEAVE PORT MIKE.

rachgd, one of our town's most visible and controversial members, has decided to depart Port Mike in a move that some describe as "far too long in coming."

Ms. gd, who's taco empire has been crushed by the mighty arm of Stone Holdings, Ltd. had this to say:

"It will be hard for me to start life anew. I love Port Mike, just as I have loved my time here. But the day has come. Too many memories -- bad, bad memories -- haunt me. Kidnapping. Injury. Betrayal."

In even more shocking news, Matthew Patterson, one time employee and trusted friend of Ms. gd, has been indicted on charges of Attempted Kidnapping, Larceny and Fraud. Patterson is accused of embezzling millions from Ms. gd and attempting to control Ms. gd by hypnosis. He is also accused of a rash of thefts from local anime stores.

Mr. Patterson's lawyers were not available for comment.

rachgd has been a frequent, if erratic, contributer to this town's social life, has provided intrigue and speculation, and has been dogged by persistent suitors. She will be missed -- at least by the town's medical community.

"We are expecting to have to lay off a number of personel," a spokesman for Port Mike General annonced in the wake of Ms. gd's decision.

And so a bloodied but unbowed Ms. gd leaves us for parts unknown, and, despite all her hardships, still retains what passes for a sense of humour: "At least I still have the formula for cold fusion to take with me," she quipped.

And in one final note: Ms. gd states unequivocally for the record that she is not pregnant.
__________________________

The End is near! The End is near! Port Mike is doomed!

Victor? I think I can hear you now...
No.. nothing new on the Coconut computer.. Bye.
Turns back to his new Coconut Computer
Wow... look at the features this thing has..

With Rachgd leaving Port Mike,Garth Stone's takeover of the town,Victor losing his house and no new news on the Coconut computer.Victor and Will move back to their home town of Port Joel.

Morgan's (out of work.) henchpeople find where the coconut computers are being made by accident.But the rangers beat the holy carp out of them (Why the henchpeople had a religious fish with them is not known.) and the henchpeople are never seen or heard from again.

(Entering room where Lance is working on his computer)

Oh, hello sir. How are you? Have you been up all night. (Dusts Lance) Oh, dear. I guess I'll just have to buy you some Depends when I go to the store. Have a nice day, sir.

(Leaves room)

looking up briefly Did somebody say something?
resuming playing on the Coconut Brand Computer
Coconut....Coconut....Coconut....
Must go to the French Door Factory....

Hospital layoffs? That's bad. I hope I survive.
Thinks for a moment
Wait...was I ever actually on the staff?

--Out of Character--
rachgd is leaving? That is _very_ bad. I'm going to ask the pressing question...Why?

She's all out of ideas! She cannae give ya anymore, Cap'n!

But... how will MPatterson get the secret taco recipes?

What if rachgd has an affair with Garth Stone?

(An earsplitting scream, emanating from Australia, circles the globe)

Hee hee hee hee

French doors burn so easily.

Hahahahahahaha!

Do Spanish people laugh like this?
Ja ja ja ja ja ja!

Shimatta! I mean, uh, curses! (Must cut down on the anime.) I've been caught! I'm innocent, I tell ya! I didn't do it! It was my evil second cousin! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *The camera pulls away through the bars of the cell door. Fade to black.*

Oy, and vhat does an outfit have to do vith it all? That's vhat shmata means, boychik!

Uh, no? Not in Japanese.

Hard to believe all the excitement this old town has seen, and now it's all so quiet. Intrigue, bombs, death threats, murders, plots to take over the world & tacos.

It's all quieted down now, though.

rachgd left. Some say she moved to Coober Pedy Australia and became an opal miner. Others say she became an exotic dancer in Port Joel. Although, I haven't seen her at any of the club's I visited.

Mpatterson is hoping to be paroled.

Megan found religion, stopped drinking and became celibate. She later admitted that it was the hardest 20 minutes of her life.

Don't know what happened with Lance Pepperman & his brainwashed butler. After the French Door Factory burned down and the recall notice for all those Coconut computers, Lance didn't seem to have a reason to stay in town, especially with that revenge-seeking fisherman on the loose.

Sarah Jane Stone is running her late husband's empire. She recalled all the Coconut computers, then discontinued the line. She also turned the Rangers around, some say with the help of Prozac, and helped them to get into college.

Will anything interesting ever happen in Port Mike again?

Only time will tell.

Merry Christmas.

Aaargh! I'll never be a-gettin' me revenge against that Lance Pepperman!

I wonder if the Y2K bug will hit in Port Mike...
My goodness, this place has become a ghost town...

I'm still here. I was just compiling footage for a clip show to mark rachgd's departure.

Uh, where is everyone?

all right, where's my insurance agent? somebody needs to pay me for my burned down french door factory! where's the police? i suspect arson!

and why was everyone in this town obsessed with rachgd and her taco recipes?

They're just that good.

(Meanwhile, at a travelling religious revival tent where Garth has been staying)

Reverend Frank! Sister Faith! I... I think I remember my name.

Frank: That's good my son, what is it?

Garth... Garth Gilooly.

...And Port Mike's New Year's celebration went off without a hitch, except for that mishap involving Louis Pepperman's fireworks display which accidentally blew up a fishing boat.

And now for sports...

Correction: It was not Louis Pepperman's fieworks display. It was Lance Pepperman's Memorial Fireworks display for his late cousin Louis 'Chili' Pepperman.

The Fisherman is currently recuperating in the same hospital room as George Harrison.

Dr. Beat. The rhythm is gonna get you.

Dr. Hook, Dr. John. Do you know where your careers are?

Arrgh! Me legs are still a-broken, but I'll be a-gettin' that Pepperman fer sure!

I'm back!

Good. Turn out the lights when you leave.

Ok.

Dr Kidd please report to pediatrics.

My house is finally rebuilt. (My relatives helped out.) Hmmm. There's that fisherman who keeps trying to kill Lance. Victor calls an ambulance for the fisherman, but the fisherman refuses to get inside it.

Arrrr! I can be a-walkin' to the hospital meself!
I'll be a-crawlin' if'n I have ter, ye never know what that Pepperman'll have a-done to that thar ambulance!

PEPPERMAN! [Ed. Note, sounds like KHAAAAAAN!] I'll be a-gettin' even wi'ye if it be the last thing I'm a-doin'!

Will someone PLEASE disconnect that speaker?

Dr Pepper please report to urology

Someone just knocked over Dr. Pepper, and then injured their back trying to throw him over their shoulder.

Doctor Guru report to CMDF HQ.

Dr. J. report to the foul line.

Dr. Who report to UNIT.

Dr. Ho report to the orphange.

Doctor, Doctor, give me the news. I've got a bad case of loving you.

Anyone have ideas for new adventures?

Hi... have people been looking for me?
Lance sees the Fisherman coming after him, and retreats back to his mansion
Never mind...
Butler, if an angry fisherman comes to the door, tell him I'm not here. I'm going to find a place to hide.

Oh, very well, sir. Good luck.

Oh, by the way, there's an Mr. Angry Fisherman here to see you.

Arrrgh! I be a-lookin' fer Mr. Pepperman! He's the one who was a-givin' me the here wooden leg.

{shakes his peg-leg at Lance's K&C Butler.}

I'm here to be a-takin' me revenge!

Arrgh! Curses! I was a-fergettin' the "i" before that thar "{" to make those cursed italics! Arrgh!

While Victor is returning Lance's car he borrowed on an earlier board, he accidently hits the angry fisherman when the brakes go out.

Mr. Pepperman, sir, a Mr. Nightshade is here to see you.

He's returned your car... onto the front porch.

Shall I notify the repair shop?

He's added an angry fisherman as a hood ornament.

Alright... let Mr. Nightshade in, but leave the fisherman outside... perhaps he would be happy near the pool.
Hey Victor... come on in.. glad to see ya. Can I get you anything?

How about some root beer? I don't drink alcohol very much. I think the fisherman's angry at me now as well.

Arrgghhh! I'l be gettin' that thar Pepperman and Nightshade too. Just as soon as I git outta this here pool.

To the director-How was that?

thanks his stand in, and gets in the pool, and starts thrashing about

Arrrrgh! I'll be a-gettin' that thar Pepperman and Nightshade too. Just as soon as I get me outta this here pool! Arrrgh! 'Tis lucky for me that me wooden leg floats!

Suddenly, and without warning, a black sedan pulls up in front of the house two men with guns kick down the door, knock the butler unconscious and go after Lance & Victor

Victor, this way...
Lance and Victor run through the house, the men following them all the way. Our heros manage to shake loose the men for a minute or two, giving Lance and Victor time to enter a secret passage
Victor, down here. this is where I keep my vehicles. They shouldn't find us here.
Hey, what's a soap opera mansion without a secret passage or two?

Lance, Maybe we should pick a fast getaway vehicle in case they do find us.
Lance and Victor start looking over the vehicles.
I think I recognized the one with the tan coat. He was there that day at the bar when I ran into Megan for the second time in my life and payed her huge bill.*

The second Port Mike board.

Let me consult the master list...
Ok... we've got a tank, a motercycle with sidecar, an airplane or two, and several other things.
Here, take a look yourself.

A TANK?! How did you get that!

Very carefully.
rim shot

Suddenly a real shot rings out as the two thugs find the secret entrance!

looking up Oh geeze...
Ok.. first... Lance presses a button, shutting the door to the car and motercycle area, in which our heros are now
That should slow them down, and as extra precaution, that closes the rest of the areas too.
Alright... which car, which car....
Ah... the nondescript van over there should do.
Lance and Victor pile into the van, and with a flick of a switch, a door to the outside opens, and our heros leave the garage area
And away we go.
I wonder what they wanted with us...

I don't know. My cousin Morgan's still reformed and my brother has nothing against me.

Mpatterson paroled from prison.

French Doors smashed all over town. Is Ccabe's evil twin behind it?

Recent Prozac shipment found to be tampered with. Will Rangers revert to old behavior patterns?

(Reading newspaper.) AAAHHHH!!!! Villains on the loose! We need to ditch the guys who are after us and get help.

Hold on... I don't know if we can go faster than those odd black cars, but we can try...
Lance drives the car to Forrester Lake, taking the backroads all the way
Forrester Lake... somewhat unknown town and spot of one of my homes... when I want to get away from it all

I haven't been to Forester Lake before. Any dangerous animals?

Just a neematoad.

Welcome to Forrester Lake

Watch out for crows

Welcome to Forrester Lake

Watch out for crows

Just ask Tom Servo

Puns he knows!

Burma Shave - a subsidiary of Coconut Computers

*Victor gets a call on his cell phone.*

What?! Morgan and Will are dead? Food poisoning from some pizza that Morgan's Pizza stands make? Are you sure? Ok. Bye.

*Victor rides the rest of the trip in silence.*

Author's note:Yes this was an authorized killing. I decided never to bring them back again.

(On the phone)

Yes, sir. They left the house and headed out of town. My men are searching the house for the object now.


Forrester Lake, I believe. Is it important?


I do have some men following them, just in case the object isn't here.

Wow! That's a long trip to Forrester Lake. Of course I mean in real time. In soap time its been maybe 10 minutes at most.

Hey, you know those windy, twisty backroads. Makes everything seem longer.

My god... it seems like everybody's biting the dust around here...
Anyway... here we are. My house.
Hey... what's this in the back of the car? Looks like a strange object of some sort...

Hi! I'm a 30 second bomb!
Hi! I'm a 29 second bomb!
Hi! I'm a 28 second bomb!
...

You are in a maze of twisty little backroads, all different.

Victor grabs the bomb and tosses it with all of his might into Forrester Lake.

Lance! RUN!!

Hold on..
Lance puts the pedal to the metal and drives away from the lake at a very, very fast speed. The bomb explodes, causing a rain of fish to fall all around the small town
We may be in a maze of backroads, but at least we won't encounter Trolls with large axes... I don't think...
I don't think I've ever seen a 30 second talking bomb before...and with it's grating voice, I would call it annoying, too.

Actually, we were at the beach area of my summer home. Luckily, I have a caretaker living here and well... taking care of the place.
Unlocking the door, entering, and discovering a comic book on a nearby table
Hmm... he must be a comic book fan.. I wonder which one it is... The Adventures of the LICC?
Have you heard of this series, Victor?
Lance sits down to look through the comic book, eventually becoming interested in the story.
Wow... this Tacoman is quite interesting.

Yeah I've heard of it Lance. Have they saved Cmdr. Milkshake yet?

(Lance's caretaker enters carrying a banjo)
Not yet.

I wish they'd bring back that Hamburger Pattie.

Big mistake to give her magical powers though. Her multiple entendres, gymnastic abilities and the way she filled out a costume were more than enough.

If I'd a known you were coming and bringing company, Mr. Pepperman, I could have prepared the guest room. (Glances back & forth from Lance to Victor) Or will the main bedroom be enough?

Um... the guest room should be enough, thank you.
Trips to the 64th century, battles with black-hole beings, and ending up in the wrong dimention, as Adon would put it... what a comic book... Oh.. I mean "Graphic Novel"

[On phone to Thug #13]
It's not at Pepperman's house? Well, where is it? My sources said that Pepperman has the booby.* When the Captain died in Istanbul, all of his possessions went to Lance Pepperman. Which means that he must have the Gold Booby! The Captain may have disguised it. Maybe painting it or hiding it inside something.
[pause]
You smashed everything large enough to hide it, eh? Well, maybe he took it with him?

*It's a bird.

To whomever posted as the caretaker. Please do not make any more implied homosexual comments about Victor and Lance. It adds absolutely nothing to the story and wasn't funny to begin with. If being funny and not S T U P I D was indeed your intent.

About your great-uncle's stuff...

(Suddenly a shot rings out and the Caretaker falls down dead, crushing his banjo, and dropping a key to a storage locker.)

After several minutes of silence Victor goes and looks outside. He finds the casing for the bullet that killed the caretaker but not the gunman. He goes back inside where he finds Lance examining the key the caretaker dropped.

Lance, This is all I found. He hands the casing to Lance. I couldn't find anyone. The person who did this could be anywhere.

Hmm... I wonder what he was going to say about my great-uncle's things...
I don't even know which storage locker this is for. Perhaps we should check the caretaker's room for clues.
I didn't know him as well as my butler, but he seemed to be a good man.
*Sigh* I wonder what Captain Tacoman would do in a situation like this...

Lance take a closer look at this. The casing doesn't look like it's for a normal gun. It's handmade. See? Just what is going on around here?

taking the casing from Victor
I have no idea, my friend. I know a couple of gun shop owners in town. Want to come with me and see if they know anything about the casing?
You know... I don't think I've ever seen what my great-uncle left me.. I think the caretaker took care of that too... and now he's been taken care of himself...

I think we should remain in hiding for a little while longer first. But we need to find a safer place to hide out in. Then we can try to figure out what that key your uncle left you belongs to and who's after us.

Also,I wouldn't be surprised if that bullet was meant for me. The people who are after us may have meant to force you to go to the location where the thing or things your uncle left you is at.

Here's a thought. Lets look in caretakers room, we may find a clue or something as to what your uncle left you.

He would probably have either Cdr Milkshake or Inspector Mystery do an anylsis of the gun.

Except they don't have the gun for analysis. They only have the bullet casing. Besides this isn't LICC,JARSO or the PHANTOM boards. This is more or less just a plain soap opera board.

Alright, we search the room and then take the casing to gun dealers. There are at least 3 dealers in this town....
Victor, the only other place I own is up in the mountains, rather far from here... I suppose we could go back to Port Mike and hide out in the old French Door turned computer company...
We could rent a car and blow up either the van or this house in such a way that the bad guys would think we're dead.. We could enlist the help of any of the other irregular regulars on here... I don't know...

Ummm.

Narf... um... poit.

Some good ideas Lance.

1.We'll blow up the van.

2.We'll lie low in the other place you own around here and you contact some of the irregular regulars.

3.We'll have some of the others check out the bullet casing for us while we find out what the key your uncle left you goes to.

What do you think?

Sounds like a good plan. I wonder if we should go to a new board...

[a sheriff's car pulls up in front of the cabin and the sheriff walks up to the door]
Hello, there's been a report of gunfire around here and...

Is that ol' Zeke lying in a pool of his own blood?

[turns to the car]
Call the coroner, Deputy Torgo, there's a dead man here!

Look Victor, the police are here and the ivy is getting worse. It's growing around the speedboat by the water.

Lance and Victor explain the situation to the Sheriff and hand him the bullet casing.

Sounds pretty fishy to me, Sheriff Frank. Do you want me to run them in?

Whispering to Victor
At least this Torgo has somewhat normal knees...

Whispering to Lance

Yeah I noticed that too. He doesn't stutter either. Think we can get someone to vouch for us?

You two! Stop whispering, and don't make fun of my artificial knee! You know, my cousin, the Angry Fisherman, has a wooden leg.

At the mention of the Angry Fisherman, Lance and Victor trade glances, much in the same way as kids trade lunches
Excuse me Deputy, would the Fisherman's wooden leg named Smith?

Excuse me.. I mean BE named Smith. I was so amazed, I had trouble talking for a minute there..

Well, you boys are gonna have to come on down to the station while we check out your stories and let the forensic team examine the area.

Looking at Sheriff Frank's pistol Victor notices it's not police issue. And seems to be custom made.

Rushing the sheriff and the deputy. Victor and Lance grab their guns and tie them up. Victor checks the bullets in the sheriff's pistol and they are exactly like the one that killed the caretaker.

Alright, who are you two, and why did you kill my caretaker? This has something to do with my great-uncle, right?

Actually, he's not so great.

Start Talking!

What's wrong sheriff? Cat got your tongue? Speak up! Oh, you have a gag in your mouth. Sorry. Victor removes the gag.

You don't know what kind of trouble you're in. Just hand over the Booby and we'll let you go free.

Victor looks at Lance. Lance, what does he mean by Booby?

I'm not sure... He's either talking about parts of a woman's anatomy, or a bird of some sort.
to Sherrif Frank
what Booby are you talking about?

Deputy Torgo is right. Victor's Great-uncle isn't really that great!

You don't know about The Booby?

There are several legends about it.

Centuries ago the Knights of Servo constructed the Booby.

Some say out of gold plundered during the Crusades, others say that they merely covered a giant Booby shaped pearl with gold leaf, and one or two say that it was created to hide the world's greatest taco recipe.

To fool theives they covered the Booby with black paint and created 46 copies. After that the Boobies disappeared, some say stolen by a gypsy.

Over the centuries many people have been trying to track down the Boobies.

Finally your great-uncle, the Captain, believed he had found the real Booby, but he died before anyone could confirm this and all his belongings had been shipped to you.

Whispering to lance-That must be what the key's to. The place or object were the Booby is hidden!

Oops. I mean "where". And the v in my name should be capitalized. That's what I get for rushing a post.

Whispering back to Victor You think? We don't even know what the key goes with...

Whispering to Lance-Lance, I can tell by looking at it that it's not a car,motorcycle,house or boat key. So that narrows it down somewhat. What else could it be for? And if I'm wrong we'll find out soon enough.

Whispering to Victor, yet again There's a small airport here in town... And I think they have lockers... We could always check the caretaker's safety deposit box at the bank..
I still think a search of his room might reveal something..

Victor goes into the room and checks it out and finds a letter addressed to Lance, but no storage locker.*

Victor also calls a few friends in the state police to take Sheriff Frank and Deputy Torgo away as well as a coroner for the caretaker.

Lance, I found this (Handing him the letter.).
What does it say? Does it tell you where the key goes?
*Note to the person who plays Lance-I reread the earlier posts about the key and it goes to a storage locker. But since our characters don't know where this locker is, I thought I'd let you decide.

Hmmm... the letter says...
To Lance,
If you are reading this, it means that I am dead. I also assume that you know a bit about the Booby and the key. The key is for a storage locker in the Port Joel Airport. It is locker 47 near the Alpha airlines gate. Good luck, and don't let that bird get into evil hands.
This cottage's caretaker,
Zeke.
Victor, get in the car. We're going to Port Joel.

Victor gets in the car followed by Lance.
The quickest route to the airport is from Murphy Blvd. It takes roughly 5 minutes off the trip once we're in Port Joel. You have to get to it from Pearl Ave.

Victor, you drive. You know about the city more then I do. I'll just read the newist LICC comic book.

Within 20 minutes Victor has them at the airport.

Buy a flower for the Church of Religious Consciousness?

Jews for Jesus?

No thanks, we gave at the office.

*POW*
punches Church of Religious Consciousness guy

*POW*
punches Jews for Jesus guy

*POW*
punches Save the Whales guy, who was late the the Port Mike taping and never got to say his line

Alright Victor, if the information in the letter was accurate, the locker should be right around here... Look, there it is!
Lance uses the key to unlock the locker, and then he opens it
Well, what do you know, there's the bird...

Suddenly Lance and Victor each feel a gun in their respective backs. There are two generic thugs standing behind them, looking like something out of a bad mafia move --- wide lapels, fedoras, white ties, etc...

All right, Pepperman, hand over the boid!

Whispering to Victor At least he didn't ask us to give him the bird...

Pepperman, just because I'm from Joisy don't mean I don't hear so good. So hand over the b-i-r-d.

Alright, alright... just let me..
With a sudden flash of movement, Lance pulls out his keys and tosses them through the nearest metal detector, causing it to go off. In the confusion, he hits the thug's gun hand with the bird, and then hits him in the stomache
Victor, RUN!

But the elections aren't until November.

What's a stomache?

Eeeeeeh, thassa what you stom do when it get hit, you stom ache.

Woulda you like to buy some coconuts?

Lance! Other way! Follow me!

Victor and Lance lead the thugs on a wild chase all over the airport, the likes of which you normally only see in a Jackie Chan movie. Finally they get away and go to Victor's old friend Gerry's house.

Hi Gerry. Where's Sylvia?

I understand that there has been a UFO sighting here at this house.

Me hear that great Thunderbird spotted at this house.

Oh, hey there. I'm Jay Leno from the Tonight Show. I collect old cars and I've been told you have a real Supercar.

I've got canned ham down my pants.

Excuse me, but what the heck is going on here?
By the way... My pants are MADE of canned ham.

Excuse me, I heard a UFO was spotted in this area?

The report was made by a 'Captain Scarlet' who was reporting an invasion of 'Mysterions' from Mars.

Greetings Mulder and Scully. What do you know about a statue known as "The Golden Booby?"

For those viewers who are confused, Gerry & Sylvia Anderson were TV producers who were responsible for shows like UFO, Thunderbirds, Supercar & Captain Scarlet And The Mysterions.

Lance, Mulder and Scully seem awfull quiet. They might know something.

(flashes her badge)

Excuse me, Mr. Pepperman, but we're with the FBI and we'll be asking the questions here.

(Lance & Victor notice that Dana's hair looks like a bad dye job & the FBI on her identification looks suspiciouly like it was drawn with a magic marker)

Who are you and where is this 'booby' you mentioned?

You know.... we were about to ask you who you are, too..
Victor, we could bean her with the Booby...
We have to discover the secret of the bird...

*suddenly a man in a black oufit, wearing glasses, and speaking with a German accent, appears from behind the bushes*

Flick ov ze Ges... German Police. Vut do you know of ze Fallen Madonna vit ze big boobies by Von Klomp?

Dude, she's like, on MTV!

Stay tuned for tomorrow's exiting episode of "Port Mike"!!!

Dramatic Music

Credits roll