The horror began in December of 1993, when a Computer Science freshman at Radford University decided to try his hand at writing Star Trek fan fiction. Inspired by the aptly-named TNG fifth-season episode "Disaster", Ratliff made the children in that episode his central characters. He then proceeded to conceive one of the most absurd premises in the history of Star Trek fan fiction: namely that the pre-teens of the Enterprise had gotten together and formed a unit called the "kids crew", commanded by twelve-year old Marissa Flores, a crack command team which can take over the Enterprise in times of emergency. Marissa's qualifications for command? It turns out she has a twenty-one minute time in the Kobayashi Maru simulation test, more than any other regular command officer (again, if you don't believe me, read the stories for yourself). After Marissa's security guard parents are both conveniently killed off in the first story, she becomes adopted by none other than Captain Picard. The stories, underscored by Mr. Ratliff's . . . um . . . rather creative spelling and grammar, only get zanier and zanier as the series (currently numbering some eighteen mini-epics), treats us to such mind-boggling events as a war-torn planet named "Sobnia", a doomed redshirt named "Ensign Throwaway", the revelation that Marissa is actually a royal princess, and a time-travel romance between Wesley Crusher and Chelsea Clinton (don't ask). The stories contain many laugh-out-loud moments and just as many moments that are profoundly disturbing. Mere descriptions or summaries cannot do this fanfic series justice. The saga was made more palatable once the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 discussion group got a hold of them, and wrote full-scale "mistings" with all of the regular MST humans and robots providing their usual running commantary. Although nitpicking these stories is not unlike kicking a cripple, certainly they provide much fodder for discussion and commentary, perhaps in the format of a support group for traumatized readers.
(See also the discussion on the "Disaster" board for more details)
I highly recommend not reading these stories unMSTed. There's a link to the MSTings on the "Disaster" board.
More of the unsettling features, quirks, and horrifying moments of the Ratliffverse:
Everyone loves to introduce themselves to one another, over and over and over again. When they've run out of introductions, they name starships.
You can wipe out an entire fleet by flying between two stars really, really fast.
Half the Kids' Crew ends up married to the other half by the time they turn 20.
Marrissa's "drills": psychological torture and strawberry juice. (Oh yeah, Marrissa's strawberry fetish is all part of the legend...)
Ensign Ro's trial in "Premier Ma[r]qui[s]." And Ratliff's reworking of the Declaration of Independence" (don't ask).
Marrissa's skinny-dipping expedition. The horror...the horror...
The endless horse-racing scenes (again, do not ask). Sadly, this seems to be the only time that I get the impression Ratliff knows what he's talking about.
The Kids' Crew singing Disney songs. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
The "slaughter of Romulans" motif that recurs throughout the stories. It's how Marrissa celebrates her wedding, for God's sake!
The story in which the Pope comes to the rescue in his super-duper Popemobile.
And of course, the immortal words, "I was beaten by a bunch of kids."
*shudder*
You know, this is really kinda cathartic... :-p
Don't forget Marissa casually telling her father how she "had a tough time keeping my virginity last night". I screamed. I really did.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I'd been trying to repress that memory! Thanks a LOT!
Oh, and let's not forget the infamous "pink panties" scene. Not quite as horrifying, but still repulsive.
I need a shower now.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
That's one I'D been trying to suppress! Now we're even.
Oh, the heart-rending trauma and mental anguish of it all!
Hold me, Lea . . . (uncontrollable sobbing)
You guys are having a lot of fun, aren't you? :-)
Anyway, I love the MSTed versions of these stories and simply can't believe why good ol' Steve just keeps cranking them out if they're so tremendously BAD. I'll have to take a jaunt over to his website and take a gander at the un-MSTed ones. Although this could be like deliberately sticking my tongue on a mousetrap. I haven't read the Pope story yet, which one is that? Or were you just making that one up? (Athena Prospects was bad enough...)
(sniffle, sob) It's all so horrible... (hugs Todd)
Too much fun, Jack. This whole thing gives credence to my suspicion that I'm really a closet masochist...
Oh, and the Pope shows up in "A Royal Mess part 2," and also in "All the King's Horses," along with his gender-changing acolyte Father Francis/Frances. I know way too much about this stuff...
The scary thing about Athena Prospects is, though Time Speeder was ludicrously bad, the revision is just as awful, though in different ways! Although it at least omits the line about Star Trek being a 100% accurate version of the future. *shudder*
And has anyone seen the Godawful Trek Fic site?
http://internettrash.com/users/godawful_trekfic/
No Ratliff, but plenty of awful, awful fanfic -- Mary Sues by the dozen, juvenile P/T stories, and any other fanfictional tripe you can think of.
Thanks Lea. I needed that.
To think that, back when I was a senior in high school I was accepted to Radford and almost went there . . . of course, I probably would have graduated before the infamous one arrived, but still . . .
We forgot to mention the most classic Ratliff line of all, the very first one in the very first story: in his introduction, he tells us "All spelling errors are to be INGORED."
After reading some of the stories on the "Godawful Trek Fanfic" site, I'm starting to think that maybe Ratliff isn't that bad after all . . . that story by Kattz, "Origin of the Telepathic Children Invaders" can cause permanent damage. I don't think I was supposed to look directly at that one.
There's also a series of Star Wars fanfics by someone named Claire Moseley, who is just as bad in her own way as Ratliff. My greatest fear is that Ratliff and Moseley will meet and get married and become a husband-and-wife writing team . . . the thought wakes me up at three a.m.
Also on nearly the same level as Ratliff is a series of X-Files stories written by someone named J. Ackerson. They are also quartered in the mistings archive at Web Site Number Nine. These stories have come to be known as the "Celine Dion Files" because Ackerson in every story takes a Celine Dion song and attempts to relate it to Mulder and Scully's relationship. In the first of these stories Scully asks Mulder out to . . . you guessed it, a Celine Dion concert. As the two of them listen to that Titanic song, we are treated to an interior monologue of Scully's thoughts, which more resemble those of a fifteen-year-old teenybopper than a crack investigative agent. Really horrifying stuff . . .
Along the same lines, and even worse, is an X-Files story called "Spice Up Your Life". I can't remember the author of this one offhand. In this absolutely ridiculous fiasco, Mulder and Scully are assigned to chaperone the Spice Girls to see if their strange public behavior might somehow be due to alien mind control (I really do swear I am not making any of this up). "Spice Up Your Life" appeared, I think, in 1998; and deserves the award as the worst fanfic of that year. Perhaps only "Time Speeder" can compete on its level.
I've seen a couple of MSTings of Moseley's stuff. It is indeed scary.
You know what's really frightening, though? Ever seen those MSTings of Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic? I'd really rather not ponder the fact that someone would want to write fanfic about Sonic the Hedgehog. Especially horrifying are the works of one David Gonterman, who writes about an all-powerful author avatar with deep-seated angst toward minorities. I think I'll be telling a therapist about that one someday. (And I only read it in MSTed form! The riffing is funny, though.) Speaking of college-related coincidences, he goes to the school my parents graduated from (Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville)...
Oh, and Ratliff's "ingored" line pretty much sums it all up, right there.
I've tried reading one of Ratcliffe's stories but the MySTie dialog and numerous misspellings were just too annoying for me to enjoy it. A little bit of the dialog was funny, but only a little. If I want to read fanfic I want a straight story with no disruptive dialog of characters not involved in the story.
BTW, does anyone remember where I posted the question of naming 3 actors involved in both ST and Dr. Quinn? I've completely forgetten and keep trying to find it. I may as well post the answers here, cuz upon reading about the Marissa stories reminded me of it cuz one of the answers is Erika Flores, who played Marissa in Disaster and Colleen Cooper on Dr.Q. The other two are Chad Allen (Jono, Suddenly Human and Matthew Cooper on Dr. Q), and of course, Barbara Babcock (Mea 3 in A Taste of Armageddon, Philiana, Plato's Stepchildren, and the voices of Trelane's mother in Squire of Gothos, Isis the cat in Assignment: Earth, and Commander Loskene in The Tholian Web. Thanks to the Star Trek Encyclopedia, since I couldn't remember all that on my own.
If y'all are looking for some of these "gems," here's a URL for Shinji's Anime MiSTings:
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/
It has some Gonterman items, including a link to what seems to be his worst, "Sailor Moon: American Kitsune." If something in it doesn't offend you, you are truly a king among men ...
Ratliff's stories are there, too, along with a host of links and other bad stories, MiSTed for your safety!
Take it and run!
MarkN I believe that was in Stump The Moderator in Religious Musings.
I think it's pretty obvious that Todd & Lea have never read any of the story boards here at NitCentral (James & rachgd's Soap Opera, Port Mike, League of Intergalactic Cosmic Champions, and some of the Phantom Returns boards). As much as I enjoy reading and contributing to these, they do have their moments of bad writing, ridiculous plot contrivances, changed premises and horrific spelling. (Darth Armus is a much worse speller than Ratliff could ever be.)
Although the bad stuff in JARSO, PM, LICC & Phantom Returns is usually the result of too many cooks, while Mr. Ratliff has to stink all by his lonesome.
Thanks, KAM. It looks like it was taken away. I wonder if anyone guessed my answers while it was still up cuz I kept forgetting to go back and post them. Oh, well.
Actually, I've read those, but it's not really the same thing, because round-robin stuff is always bizarre and outlandish, and those boards are a lot more spontaneous -- if one is going to take the trouble to post fanfic to ASC and everything, one could at least take the trouble to proofread...
Oh, and MarkN -- I believe Colm Meaney was also in the Dr. Quinn pilot.
Besides, the people on the soap opera boards are trying to be bizarre and outlandish. What makes Ratliff (and Errante, Moseley, Ackerson, et al.) so hilarious is that they actually believe in their own minds that they are writing decent stories. It gives their kitsch an autheniticity that can't be duplicated by someone who's trying.
Thanks, Lea. I thought there was at least one other person associated with ST and Dr.Q but I couldn't remember who. What role did Colm play? I've also noticed he's been in quite a few films since NextGen went off the air, too, as well as that sorry excuse for a leprechaun movie on NBC, although he was kinda funny in that.
He played the dentist
The guy who played Preston Lodge was in DS9's "Covenant". And Helene Udy was in DS9's "Rules of Acquisition."
But what if someone were to salvage some of the Ratliff stories? They would only have to change most of the charactors, the plots, the dialogue, the... nevermind, at that point it is an entirely new story. I guess they are unsalvagable.
What are some other choices people have for their absolutely worst fanfics? I've already listed a few of mine (Time Speeder, CivStory, River Deep - Mountain High, Spice Up Your Life) does anyone have any others?
Yes, I suppose Ratliff's stories could be salvaged somewhat with extensive rewriting . . . but in God's name, WHY?
Earl, I went and traumatized myself by reading that "American Kitsune" MSTing (through part 8), and I think that in many ways it's even more odious than Ratliff's fics (and when Ratliff looks good, you know you're in for sheer pain!) But at least Ratliff doesn't go off on a right-wing rant every third paragraph for no good reason, or spend half a story talking about the evil of CDA protestors, or make one of the villains an "Afrocentric history teacher," or feature a scene in which a gay villain is "reduced entirely to an HIV virus," or introduce an incest subplot featuring his self-insertion character and Sailor Moon...oh, God, it's too horrible... sobs uncontrollably
I've just discovered another doozy of an X-Files fanfic. This one like the rest is archived at Web Site Number Nine's mistings. It's "Slipping Into Death's Embrace" by Daniel Hernandez. When I first read from the summary that this was going to be an X-Files crossover with various movies I knew it was going to be bad. But this story is far, far worse than what I expected. This reaches all new lows in characterization, plotting, grammar and exposition. This is worse than Ratliff. THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST FANFICS EVER!!! No misting could possibly do it justice. The plot is that Mulder and Scully are kidnapped by an omnipotent being called "The Knower" and are forced to battle with and against various characters from action-adventure movies a la Trek's "The Savage Curtain" or Marvel Comics "Secret Wars". This story contains such remarkable lines as "The Terminator grabbed a bazooka and fired at Juanito. He ducked out of the way, but the villians didn't know that." I think we definitely have a candidate for the worst ever.
Oh, and by the way, in case you need to know the link to Web Site Number 9's Misting Archive, here it is: http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/mistings.shtml
GYAH!
I'm just back from an extended stay re-reading some of the Ratliff MiSTings. And I can sum them all up in one word ...
hunh?
My very serious question to everyone here is: Does Mr. Ratliff know his basic concept is flawed (in the same way a nuclear strike is a bit of an inconvenience), or do you think he really finds this a credible plot device?
I mean, if anyone under the age of 10 can serve in Starfleet, why bother with the Academy? Why worry about promotion from within, just grab more kids! And isn't it amazing that Marrissa hasn't been hoisted by her own Picard (ha!) by some younger kid by now?
I'm sorry for venting, but the sheer "what were you THINKING!" factor is getting to me here.
Anyone that hasn't read these, or that has read them un-MiSTed, should check out the ones on Shinji's site (see URL in a previous post).
So, comments, criticisms, suggestions on which asylum I should be committed to?
Take it and run.
Even more difficult to swallow than the fact that there are a bunch of kids running the starship are the flimsy plot devices Ratliff uses to establish this. In the first story, the Enterprise is going on a mission where they need to use a cloaking device. But for some reason Wesley Crusher can build one that can cover the main body of the Enterprise, but not the saucer section. This means that the Enterprise is going to have to leave its saucer section behind. Surely a starship of this complement must have capable reserve officers who have actually completed Academy training to man the saucer, right? No, Picard elects to give command to a bunch of kids just because one of them has lasted a longer time on the Kobayashi Maru than anyone else. (Ratliff seems to think for some reason that the goal of the Kobayashi Maru simulation test is to survive as long as you possibly can. Silly me, I thought the point of the Kobayashi Maru was to test how the potential commander reacted to inevitable destruction.)
Even more ridiculous, in one of the earliest stories, the young boy Jay Gordon is deemed qualified to be a shuttle pilot because he has a high score on a video game (!) simulating shuttle flight. Hoo boy.
Apparently, Ratliff takes his own stories and the concept of a Kids Crew very seriously. Apparently some others, incredibly enough, do as well. At least two other authors have written stories which take place in the Ratliff continuity. One of these authors, in her intro, even used the adjective "excellent" to describe the Kids Crew stories!
I just read the mistings of several rather ghastly
Ratliff works, and I will say this: If it were not
for Mike, Tom, and Crow, I would not have survived. After reading this stuff, I am certain that taking Ratliff straight, rather than MSTed, would cause severe psychological trauma.
The MST versions, however, caused me to laugh my arse off. Now I can't stop coming back to Web Site #9, because this Ratliff stuff is so freakin'
hilarious! Those MST people just rip Ratliff up good.
I almost hyperventilated during "Field Trip" and "Enterprized." At some points I had to stop and regain my composure before continuing. The Bots' comments to the inexplicable appearance of the word "Trp[" in "Field Trip" was just too much. ("Even blind lemurs can't misspell that badly!")
"Ratliff-A-Go-Go" was a riot, with the Ratliff Fan Club on board the Sattelite of Love ("Um, do we really need to know everyone's name and fan club rank?" "But how else can we keep track of who we are and what position we hold??").
Ratliff's "There is nothing like a dame," a musical version of "Trouble with Tribbles" based on music from South Central is absolutely horrid. "Moondusting" where Marrissa is Sailor Moon is an abomination.
Now even though Ratliff writes some of the worst, and, dare I say it, Stup¡d stories, I am a big supporter of the old adage "Laughter is the best medicine." So, even though everyone's going to think that I've read too much Ratliff and cannot think coherently, I just have to say this:
RATLIFF RULES!!!
There is one thing that I have to say... DO NOT READ "ROYAL WEDDING" IF YOU HAVE EATEN ANYTHING IN THE LAST 20 YEARS OR IF YOU EVER PLAN ON EATING ANYTHING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There, now that I've gotten that out of my system. The whole virginity discussion between Marissa and Picard (barf, gag). Maybe I missread that but Picard's reaction to his what, 16 year old daughters comments seem to be, "oh well". Is there anyone out there who would react like this if your kids said this to you at that age? I know I wouldn't.
I do agree with SWM that the Ratliff MSTings are great. One of the good things you can say about Ratliff (one of the few good things) is that he's a really good sport about it, which is part of the reason his stuff is such a phenomenon.
Hey Todd, if you want horrific plot devices, don't forget the infamous Ratliff Gas, the sine qua non of Ratliffian McGuffins! For the uninitiated, the Ratliff Gas appears in the incomprehensible "Premier Ma[r]qui[s]," in which the Maquis manage to seize a starship by using a gas that, convienently, only affects adults, allowing its Kids Crew (in Ratliff's world, Starfleet thinks the concept is a GOOD idea, so all ships have them) to save the day.
Also, I have a MSTing recommendation for all of you. It's a really horrible pre-DS9 fanfic called "Stolen Memories", in which we learn how a teenage, dumb-as-bricks (or dumber) Julian Bashir finds true love with an anthropomorphic cat, until her evil sister shows up and many bad things happen. Features an extended harem scene, several main characters who aren't named, a very flexible fellow called the Sensualist, warnings about safe sex, science that flies in the face of Darwinism, and a creature called a "wilderbeast." Among other things.
I should also warn you that the original fic is rated NC-17, and has something to offend absolutely everyone. But the MSTing is really hilarious. Still, don't read it all at once.
(I like the sketch where the Bots try to forget the fanfic by reminding themselves of the good old days of Trek... :-) )
Oh, and I've also wondered just what was in Ratliff's head when he wrote those stories. But I've decided I don't want to know. Especially now that he's entered into the wonderful (heh) world of Treksmut -- he wrote a porn fic starring (brace yourselves) Marrissa and WESLEY CRUSHER!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
You may not be able to find out what was going through his head, but Ratliff does provide a brief history of this series in "All the Kings Horses."
You know he wrote "Enterprized" in Study Hall back in High School? Makes you wonder what High School was like for Ratliff. In fact, I'm sure flipping through his HS's 1993 yearbook would be quite interesting.
Anyone remember that one part in, well, I forget which story, but Mike and the Bots start chanting the Litany Against Fear from the Dune books ("I shall not fear, fear is the mind-killer...") while reading a Ratliff? That really cracked me up.
By the way my last name is pronounced "COON."
Long U sound.
"who previously posted under the name SWM"
is what that was supposed to say.
Has anyone noticed that there is a seperate category for Ratliff stories at WS#9?
I think the Fear Litany is either in the scene where the kids sing Disney songs in "The Field Trip," or in the infamous Marrissa skinny-dipping scene. (For the love of God, WHY?)
And yeah, I've noticed that. There are a few other authors who have them, but I *think* Ratliff is the only fanfic writer among them.
Variations on the "Ratliff Gas" differ throughout the different stories of the series, although the end result is the same. For instance, in "Who Q? Where Q?" Q sends all the adult crew members into the past, but leaves the kids alone to command the ship.
I did read "Moondusting", but I can't remember anything about it. I must have blocked it all from my memory.
There's also a story in which Ratliff in the introduction thanks just about every single one of his principals and teachers through high school; all of whom must be cringing in mortification, especially his english teachers.
Francis/Frances the clergyman(woman?) isn't the only gender-switching character. Patterson Supra also confusingly flip-flops between genders during the series. I can't remember offhand what he/she was supposed to be originally.
One of Ratliff's "authors revenge" stories reveals the fact that he actually relies on next-door-neighbor children for his story ideas. Is anyone surprised?
Wonder if Stephen himself will ever stumble across this site?
He has a 'counterpart' in TRANSFORMERS fanfiction, too - WARendfeld (just thought I'd chuck that in). Parodied to death, not understood, yet strangely appreciated.
I'm way behind in reading those MSTs of Ratliff... dang, I'm even thinking about catching up, that's what this board's done for me...
I think Patterson was one of the three "Disaster" kids, and therefore a guy. Though he seems to have disappeared from the Ratliffverse in the later stories. Which makes him a fairly lucky guy. :-)
I may have read "Moondusting," but I don't remember it either. But I've never watched Sailor Moon, so most of it would be lost on me anyway.
Have you guys seen those Ratliff fics that consist almost entirely of horse racing? I wonder if he thinks there's ANYONE who'd actually want to read about that? Though one of the horse-racing sequences did contain one of my all-time favorite typos: when he refers to a horse called "Loin at the Helm, from Kirk Stables." Talk about your Freudian slips... :-)
I think the reason Ratliff likes horse racing so much is because its the one sport in which the announcer is always constantly listing the names of the horses, and their positions.
Transformers fanfiction??? I hope it's not of the slash variety.
Megatron: Bend over and take it like a Decepticon.
And from that day forth that Transformer was called Starscream.
Is there anything that doesn't have someone writing fanfiction?
If I surf the web enough will I stumble across fanfic for the cartoon version of Fantastic Voyage, Crusader Rabbit, & Lidsville??? (Although the slash version would probably be called Condomsville.) I hate to think what The Kids From C.A.P.E.R. are up to in someone's twisted imagination.
I've finally compiled my own personal list of the top ten worst fanfics ever written (that is, out of the ones I've read). Keep in mind that I usually read most just Star Trek and X-Files fanfic and thus there may be stuff just as bad in other genres I'm less familiar with. I've also limited this list to stuff that has been misted and put at the Web Site No. 9 archive, for purposes of easy reference. Anyway, here are my personal choices, starting from No. 10 and counting all the way down to the No. 1 worst fanfic . . .
10. "A Star Wars Christmas" by Clare Mosely. (Star Wars) We learn that Christmas was still celebrated a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away in this ridiculous spin on Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" using the Star Wars characters.
9. "The Eye of Argon" by Jim Theis. (Generic Fantasy) A stinker of a sword-and-sorcery tale by someone whose either read too many Conan the Barbarian books or participated in too many D&D campaigns (probably both). Contains some of the most hysterically dumbfounding uses of grammar and vocabulary.
8. "Civ Story" by Michael Errante. (ST:TNG) Next to "Time Speeder", this is the most absurd TNG time travel tale ever spun. Q sends various members of the Enterprise crew back through time in an exercise based on author Errante's misunderstandings of the ideals of Karl Jung. Barry Manilow is revealed to be as important a historical personage as Shakespeare, Van Gogh and even Julius Caesar, whom Worf saves from assassination thereby disrupting the time stream and eventually causing the Enterprise to be destroyed at the end of the story. It doesn't make a whole lot more sense in the actual reading than it does in my summary.
7. "Enterprized" by Stephen Ratliff. (ST:TNG) The camp classic that began the worst of all fanfic series. While this initial dropping is not nearly as funny or mind-boggling as most of the ones that would follow, it is too much of a classic to leave off a list like this. And of course, seeing that this is Ratliff, it's anyone's guess whether the mis-spelling in the title is intentional or not.
6. "Coruscant / Earth" by Clare Mosley. (Star Wars) That this is a Star Wars / Sliders crossover is all that needs to be said about the worst story by the worst of the Star Wars fanficeers. Ratliffian in its gawd-awfulness.
5. "River Deep, Mountain High" by J. "Writing Machine" Ackerson. (X-Files) What is it about all these X-Files fanfic authors that they feel compelled to make Mulder and Scully fans of their own favorite music groups? If I read one more story in which we hear how much Mulder likes Nine-Inch Nails or Scully can't get through the day without listening to Courtney Love and Hole, or . . . well, you get the idea. But if the author of an X-Files story just happens to be a Celine Dion fan, as is Ackerson, then you know that you are in for some DEEP HURTING, even if Dion's music isn't made the sole motivating factor and plot point of the story. Which it is in this case. That's right, there are no investigations of alien abductions or poltergeists or freaks of nature like you'd expect in a normal X-Files tale. The entire plot is that Scully, behaving much more like a high school teenybopper than a crack FBI agent, takes Mulder to a Celine Dion concert. That's it. And it's much, much more horrifying than it sounds.
4. "Revenge of the Romulans" by Alex Buchanan. (ST:DS9) Imagine what Ratliff, who many feel already writes at a third-grade level, might have written while actually in the third grade, and you'll have something pretty close to this mess. The romulans attack DS9 for some reason which is never quite made clear, and both they and the space station engage in battle tactics where each display the military intelligence of doorknobs. The storyline reminds one of the plots very young children conceive on the spur of the moment while playing with their Star Trek action figures.
3. "Spice Up Your Life", author unknown (X-Files). Yet another foray mixing the realm of the X-Files with that of popular music. This one has Mulder and Scully hired by the FBI to chaperone the Spice Girls. After reading this story, I really wanted a couple of shots. And I don't mean alcohol, I mean actual shots from a gun.
2. "Time Speeder", by Stephen Ratliff. (ST:TNG) A classic. Marissa goes back in time to preserve the timeline of an alternate universe only peripherally similar to our own. In this alternate universe corresponding with our late 1990's, Bill Clinton is a respected and honorable world leader as well as a big Star Trek fan, NASA is an organization whose dissolution would leave millions unemployed and on welfare, and John Warner and Chuck Robb are one friendly terms with each other. Such a spin on the reality of American history hasn't been seen since Phillip K. Dick's Man In The High Castle. Boy, what an imagination the guy has . . .
AND THE NUMBER ONE WORST FANFIC OF ALL TIME:
drumroll please
"Slipping Into Death's Embrace" by Daniel Hernandez. (X-Files)
And you'll wish for the sweet release of death after reading this absolute festering pile of manure which is basically a crossover between the X-Files and a hodgepodge of characters from various action/adventure movies, all arranged by an omnipotent being known as "The Knower". I'm sure even such an all-seeing and all-knowing entity would have trouble finding a worse story than this one . . .
Here's my little list. Ready for some Deep Hurting?
BTW, these are from all sorts of fandoms, since I'll read just about any MSTing. I'd never read an unMSTed Sonic the Hedgehog story for any reason at all, otherwise. (Besides, most of these are really well-known.) Most of these stories are available at WS#9, except for "American Kitsune." Earl Allison's post has a link where you can find that one if you really want to, but I'd advise against it (this particular MSTing generally isn't funny enough to make it worthwhile).
First, the Dishonorable Mentions:
I Am Chakotay's Bed Pillow, by L.R. Bowen (Voyager). An icky vignette told from the perspective of Chakotay's pillow, which falls in love with him because it thinks he named it Kathryn. I trust we can all understand why he did that, no?
The Rangers of NIMH, by David Gonterman and Paul Lapensee (Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers/The Secret of NIMH). I think that tells you pretty much all you need to know. Though this one has one thing on Gonterman's other stories, which is that his unique political views don't come up too often.
Premier Ma[r]qui[s], by Stephen Ratliff. The Ed Wood of fanfic shows us all the wrong way to do courtroom drama, as Marrissa is assigned to defend noted Maquis Ro Laren in court, and uses a typically ridiculous strategy (successfully, natch). Noteworthy for its reworking of the Declaration of Independence, the attempt to parse the word "Maquis," and the infamous Ratliff Gas.
A Day in the Life..., by David Sutton (Gen Trek). This is a lovely little slice-of-life story about a Gorn (!) officer named "Ptzzrr Frageilux." And no, I'm not making this up. It also features an extended mouse-eating scene.
A Meets D: The Wrath of Spock, by Steve Tonner (TOS/TNG). A truly painful attempt at parody, in which the TOS and TNG crew play stoopid practical jokes on one another. Everyone throws up a lot, Chekov and Scotty play Wayne's World, and Spock attempts to explain getting a wedgie.
And now, the top ten:
10. A Royal Wedding, by Stephen Ratliff. Marrissa gets married to her loyal right-hand eunuch, Jay Gordon, while resident Kids' Crew nerd Clara Sutter marries Alexander. The Romulans show up, but Marrissa slaughters them, as is her wont. And of course, Marrissa's virginity is a major plot element. God help us all.
9. The Eye of Argon, by Jim Theis (Gen Fantasy). This is something of a legend in SF/F fandom. Indeed, there are contests at cons to see who can read the most without completely cracking up. (I can't read much of it...) It includes a "hero" named Grignr (!), a leading lady who is alternately slender and busty, more mouse carnage, and the longest "kick in the groin" scene ever. Bob Saget would be proud.
8. Enterprized, by Stephen Ratliff. The story that started it all. "I was beaten by a bunch of kids" -- the motto of the Ratliffverse.
7. Star Trek TNG: Episode 666, by Ryan Landek. An even more painful parody than "A Meets D," in which Picard chops off his own toe and repeats himself a lot, Riker gets mutilated in various ways, Worf kills redshirts, and many other resoundingly unfunny things happen, which the author attributes to his "wacky brain going nuts."
6. Down the Drain, by Sforzie (Voyager). The Voyager crew gets sucked down the titular drain, and complain a lot. All that really needs to be said about it, though, is that all the characters are represented by odd-looking smileys. Here's Janeway: &:)
5. Time Speeder, by Stephen Ratliff. Todd's already hit many of the highlights of Ratliff's uncontested worst opus. One other thing needing mention: the fact that Ratliff himself regrets posting it. That says a lot.
4. Stolen Memories, by Red Skye and Mission Ops Productions (DS9 -- well, pre-DS9). Young and dense Julian Bashir finds true love with an anthropomorphic cat, until her evil sister gets the hots for him and subjects him (and us) to a really icky gang-rape scene. He eventually escapes (after a long and painful harem sequence) and runs around in the woods for a long time, and his girlfriend saves his butt repeatedly. Then it ends. (Not soon enough!) Also includes the longest hut-building sequence ever written, and an endless parade of ludicrous euphemisms for the genitalia.
3. Blood and Metal, by David Gonterman (Sonic the Hedgehog). Another infamous author among MSTies. The author's self-insertion character is magically transported to Sonic the Hedgehog's planet after having his arm blown off in a riot. You see, in Davey's world, all African-Americans are murderously bitter about slavery, and for some reason they've singled him out and are going to make him pay for it. Anyway, Davey goes to Sonic's world, gets a cybernetic arm, does lots of supposedly "cool" stuff, and annoys the hell out of the reader, and finds he's the son of the nefarious Dr. Robotnik. Whatever. (He also throws up a lot and sings "Hotel California," which impresses the characters to no end.)
2. Artemis' Lover, by Oscar Allias (Sailor Moon). A tender love story between a teenage hermaphrodite and a cat. Commence screaming now.
1. Sailor Moon: American Kitsune, by David Gonterman (Sailor Moon, and some other things). Another masterpiece from Gonterman. I'd mention the plot, but it was completely incomprehensible. Features the same style of political ranting as in "Blood and Metal," only far more so, and adding a few more prejudices to the mix. There's a scene in which a gay character (apparently, Davey-kins thinks gay people tried to recruit him [yeah, right] and ruined his reputation) is reduced "entirely to an HIV virus." There are snarky remarks about the bombing of Hiroshima. We also learn that MSTies and especially people who oppose the CDA are almost as bad as Afrocentric history teachers (don't ask). Of course, this defender of purifying the Internet is perfectly comfortable writing an incestuous subplot between his character and Sailor Moon (!!!). I really can't express the full extent of my loathing for this story.
"Episode: 666" is one that just barely missed my final cut. There's nothing quite so painful as an unfunny parody. Here are some of the situations in the story Mr. Landek seems to think that we will find uprariously funny:
* Picard saying "Make it so" and "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." over and over again, even in the same passage.
* Riker being continually injured in a variety of ways and screaming in pain each time.
* Picard ordering the ship to go to warp 9.999999999 only to be told the engines can't manage a speed higher than 9.999999998.
* Picard stealing Geordie's VISOR, wearing it, and mocking his blindness.
* Picard and Worf having a contest to see who can wantonly kill off the most of the Enterprise's junior officers by phaser.
* Picard paging Dr. Crusher and telling her there's a medical emergency in a certain section of the ship. After she gets there, he pages her again and tells her there's a medical emergency in ANOTHER part of the ship, etc. . . .
* Picard dumping his Earl Grey tea into the aquarium for no apparent reason. When someone tells him his fish may be dying because of this, he tries to give them mouth-to-mouth.
As Lea said, "resoundingly unfunny."
Whoever said "truth is stranger than fiction" never read any fan fiction.
I would be remiss if I did not here say a word about one notable interactive misting of a very bad text adventure game. Matt Barringer's "Detective" is the game taken to task by Mike and the bots, and Barringer proves himself to be the Ed Wood of game design. In this game you play a detective who is trying to solve the murder of a mayor. At least that's what you're supposed to be doing. What you actually do is wander aimlessly through a number of pointless locations featuring doors and avenues that disappear after you go through them, objects you can still see on the ground after you pick them up, and objects that you can see but can't pick up. This latter doesn't matter much, since none of the objects, except perhaps the gun, are relevant to the game at all. Some of the highlights of this adventure include a piece of wood which the game describes as "wooden wood"; the mayor's house, which is full of seemingly endless hallways and closets and in which you can't pursue your investigation in some parts because there is remodeling going on; a bar called "The Murderer's Longue" which caters exclusively to a clientile of murderers; a drunk who gets in your face and tells you to "Boycott FDR"; and a "dazed-looking guy" in a Music Store who attacks you for no discernible reason. After all this senselessness, the game informs you that you knew where the killer was hiding out all along and you are able to identify him by going through a stack of drivers liscences because one "stood out" and finally . . . is any of this making any sense at all? No? Well, it won't when you play the game either. Anyway, the full misted game can be downloaded from here: http://www.escape.com/~baf/if/e_mst3k1.html
Barringer definitely deserves consideration with the authors already discussed here.
Actually Todd, I thought the 'can't go faster than Warp 9.999999998' was slightly amusing. Not enough to make me want to read the story it was in, but nicely absurd.
I wonder if the actress who played Marissa, or any of the kids, know about these stories, and what do they think about them?
I've managed to get throught the first 2 MiSTed stories. 2 riffs that stand out for me are,
Captain cloaking device.
Hey, where'd Picard go?
& when Ratliff mentions the trouble he had posting a part of his story
Oh, those brave computers. They tried to stop it, but he got one past them.
Here's a segment and riff to make you cringe in pain ... culled from "Falling Into Command."
"here were 26 children over the age of 5, which was the minimum age for kid's crews."
TOM: *Five*? FIVE?!?
CROW: But they were thinking about making an exception for an eight-month old who had a really kick-(censored) Kobayashi Maru time ...
*****
Famous to me for the sheer GYAH! factor if nothing else. You all know 5-year olds, imagine them in control of a starship, something that, at least in TOS, was considered a phenomenal responsibility (see the comments to Kirk before his trial in "Court-Martial").
How did we fall from comments along the lines of "a hundred decisions a day, and all of them right," and "only one man in a million can do what you did, command a starship" to Marrissa's absurd battle tactics of turning ships upside-down in battle?
*Homer Simpson voice* Urge to kill rising ...
Take it and run.
In response to KAM's comment: I caught a rerun of "Disaster" the other night, and was amazed by one thing: of the three kids in that episode, Marrissa seemed the least evil. Weird.
I did enjoy the battle between Riker and the Romulans in "The New Generation" Apparently he destroys one Warbird, Then fakes battle damage, then destroys another one, and finally blows up his own ship while leaving himself in the tender care of Romulans. You deserve to be captured and tourtured for something like this. (or writing something like this)
I just realized on rereading "666" again that the 9.99999998 line was a riff (part of the misting) and not part of the actual original story. That explains why it is amusing.
Oh, and KAM, that Transformers slash scenario is hilarious! "Take it like a Decepticon" -- LOL! :-)
I've tried to read the American Kitsune mistings, really I have, but I find the stories almost completely incomprehensible.
Don't bother, then. The story is so utterly vile, and the riffing generally isn't funny enough to make it worthwhile. I indulged my masochistic side and read the whole thing, but as a rule I wouldn't recommend it. (If you want a sample of Gonterman's work, try the MSTing of "Blood and Metal" instead -- it's also a foul story, but the MSTing is hilarious.)
Here's a fun pastime for all those of legal age . . .
THE STEPHEN RATLIFF DRINKING GAME!
Note: This game is not meant to be an endorsement of the consumption of alcohol. That being said, no one can be condemned for resorting to such libations to ease the pain of a Ratliff fic.
Drink each time that one of the following happens ---
* All the characters present introduce themselves.
* Marissa recites her names, titles, and/or accomplishments.
* Marissa's Kobayashi Maru time is mentioned.
* Another character falls all over themselves praising Marissa and her abilities.
* A list of the starships and their commanders is given.
* Ratliff describes a room the characters are in, or the clothes they are wearing, in excruciating detail.
* Ratliff spells a word or the name of a character differently from a way in which he spelled it previously.
* A character or planet is introduced whose name is a silly anagram.
* Strawberry juice makes an appearance or is mentioned.
* All the adult officers on board the starship are removed or incapacitated.
* Every time Marissa kills a Romulan or a Traecke officer.
* A character from another series (TOS, DS9) makes an appearance.
* Marissa appoints someone to a position or an assignment on her crew for an absolutely ridiculous reason (they have a high score on a video game, they have their eyes crossed and tongue sticking out in their picture, etc . . .)
* A reference is made to Marissa's virginity, menstrual cycle, or undergarments.
* Someone calls Marissa "Risa" and she tells them how much she hates that nickname.
* Picard chides Marissa about not being able to keep her room clean.
* Marissa's little friend Shanya Sachs plays a practical joke on someone.
* While reading "The Captain and the Doctor", every time Ratliff uses the phrase "The Captain and the Doctor."
* Ratliff thanks a former teacher or dedicates a story to him or her.
* Ratliff compares his work with that of Mark Twain.
* You read any part of a Ratliff story which causes you to scream in abject horror.
Good God, man! A reader will be a hopeless alcohalic by the time they're a third of the way through the story!
Yeah, some of those could result in some really nasty cases of alcohol poisoning!
But here are some more entries...
* Every time the word "congraduations" appears
* Whenever any of the Kids Crew members is characterized as an anhedonic workaholic
* Every time there's a pointless horse-racing sequence
* Ratliff demonstrates a less-than-firm grasp of political situations, whether Earth-bound or intergalactic
* A character with a really silly name appears (Jackson Johnson? Ensign Throwaway?)
* Antagonists who are intelligent and competent in canon appear in the Ratliffverse and prove themselves to have the IQ of a clod of dirt (e.g. Dukat, Eddington)
* Corollary to the one about Marrissa's titles: When Marrissa complains about disliking titles
* Whenever someone uses really silly science as a plot contrivance
* When a character switches genders for no good reason
* When there's a long and pointless slice of mundane life inserted (poker, dinner, Catholic mass [!]...)
Finish your drink when...
* Marrissa does/shows concern for something that's normal for someone her age
* Jay stands up for himself
* One of Ratliff's original characters dies and isn't resurrected (void if you're reading "Hail to the Queen")
How long do you think it will be before he has Marrisa team-up with Naomi of Voyager?
(Be afraid! Be very afraid!)
Oh yah, there's Transformers fanfic out there. I know, I wrote some. (And some TREK. And some crossovers of both. But I digress.) And, yes, [sigh] also out there, there is Transformers slash/erotic/lemon/whateveryacallit. It can get a bit painful (but as with many across the genre, unintentionally hilarious).
(Whew! None of mine on that top ten!)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!
I have just made the terrible, terrible mistake of taking a peek at Ratliff's new "M&M" story . . . I was just curious as to what a Stephen Ratliff NC17fic would be like and now I am very, very sorry I was. I only caught a glimpse of just a few lines but those few lines were enough to permantly psychologically scar me . . . I warn you, I beg you, I implore you, do NOT read this story . . . do not even GLANCE at it. Consider it like the Medusan in "Is There In Truth No Beauty". If you see it coming, run for your life. It will take years to erase this horror from my mind.
CURSE YOU RATLIFF!!!!
You know something? Have you ever noticed that if
someone tells you not to do something it's kind of hard not to do that thing?
Yes I read "M&M." At least part of it. I stopped
partway through the first chapter. I figured that
after all this Ratliff stuff I've read in the past, I would have some kind of immunity built up.
If I do, I don't know. Ratliff is an abomination, and this story was just too much. It was only my quick reflexes which saved me this time.
As I read the part that I did read, I must say that it took a bit of willpower to scroll down most of the time. Then I got to this one part of the story and in a lightning-fast action, my right hand, which was holding the mouse, quickly moved the pointer to the top right corner of the screen and clicked the "X" button to close the window. I'm never ever going back to that evil place again.
I've seen that one, and it's so horrible I didn't even mention it, for fear that others might be curious and look at it anyway, because that's exactly the sort of thing I would do...anyone know where I can find a good therapist?
(This one is listed in the coming attractions at the Ratliff MSTing archive, btw. I think even Pearl Forrester would have second thoughts about sending it...)
And I think building up an immunity to standard Ratliff stuff won't help when it comes to his NC-17 fic. (Unless you've been playing the Ratliff drinking game.) I mean, the NC-17 ones feature ridiculously written sex between pubescent kids, a hideously overdone extension of Marrissa's narcissism, and (at least in the one) Wesley Crusher!
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings oblivion...
Hey, Tom, maybe next time you'll believe me when I warn you not to do something! :)))
Actually, after I posted that, I relaized that that's exactly what people would do, and I honestly intended that as a geniune warning, not an inducement to curiosity. I should have just not said anything, but I had to express my horror and disgust in some forum.
I honestly wish I'd never seen that. I'm better now, but some of the fun of Ratliff has gone out of it for me. Before, I could look at him as just another bad fanfic writer with an amusing fascination. Now, I'm wondering if he isn't really a sick puppy. That story is really, REALLY evil and twisted, it's hard to believe that he actually wrote it. And that's just the little bit I read, who knows, the rest might even be worse! The misting sites used to call Ratliff's web page "The Lair of Ultimate Evil", now that designation is no longer a joke. I think the best policy to adopt is to pretend that I never saw "M&M". Yeah, that's it, it was all one bad horrible dream. Remember, we're all here for each other . . . (group hug)
LOL, Lea, the fear mantra was exactly what I said to myself after I saw that!
This board's getting big . . . maybe time for a new one?
After recently reading a MiSTed Marrisa story, I happened to see the Brittney Spears video, "Ooops, I did it again."
Frightening.
I think she may be the living embodiment of Marrisa.
*shudder*
I think some of the MiSTers miss a number of good jokes. In Who Q, Where Q, there's a line about '50 foot soldiers'. I was expecting a riff about giants stomping on Romulans. There were others in other stories, but that's the one missed opportunity that I remembered.
There was an interesting comment in the MiSTing of Royal Mess 2. Mike and the bots referred to The Nitpicker's Guide to Stephen Ratliff. Hmmmmm... I can't shake the feeling that it has some connection to something near & dear to the hearts of us here at NitCentral. But gosh darnit my brain turned to mush and I can't think what that might be. ;-)
Wow. And I thought the 'New Zorro'/'Highlander' crossover was bad...
Question: Does Ratliff actually believe, Ed Wood-like, that his stories are masterpieces? Or does he have a sense of humour about them? (He better, that's all I can say, 'cause after just reading you guys' descriptions of the stories here, I want to inflict serious damage on the man!)
Is Lea Frost still around? If so, have you seen a MSTing which I believe has only recently appeared on Web Site Number 9 called "Encounters"? There's a line in there which could have been written by you! It goes:
Riker (Speaking to Admiral Picard.): Admiral Picard, please give the word.
Crow [as Picard]: The word is tapioca. I don’t know why.
I wonder if the authors of this MSTing have visited NitCentral ...?
Callie,
If you check the "Prophecy" board under Voyager's seventh season (it's the most recent episode), you'll see that Lea has posted there and includes her e-mail address. That may be the best to find her if she doesn't check here.
By the way, I went to WS9 and checked the only story there called "Encounters" I could find, but didn't see the passage you mentioned. Did I get confused somehow?
And to anyone who's interested, I've been reading Ratliff's MiSTed stories off and on for several weeks now, and they're a hoot. I can't remembered the last time I laughed as hard as I have at some of the passages. And for the most part, what sets me off isn't the wise-ass comments from Mike and the Bots, but rather something that Ratliff wrote which didn't turn out the way he intended. The stories are truly ... amazing.
I might post back later as I read more.
It definitely is "Encounters". Did you look in the right part? Click here for part 3 of the story where the magic word appears!
As the person who first used the word, I'm hanging my head in shame with pride. ;-)
Tricorder, if you like Ratliff, you MUST also read some of the other stories by other authors that I mentioned earlier on this board, like "Civstory", "Revenge of the Romulans", and ESPECIALLY "Slipping Into Death's Embrace". Although nothing can quite match Ratliff, these stories are all unintentionally hilarious in the same way. Plus, all are Misted to help buffer the pain and all are readily archived at WS#9.
Thanks, Callie. I found the right story, but I believe I clicked on the wrong version (or something like that). Thanks for the link.
And thanks to you as well, Todd, not just for the recommendation, but for introducing me (and others, I'm certain) to the Ratliff MiSTings. I'm still immsersed in the Marrissa stories, but I imagine I'll be moving on to other "authors" eventually. I'm reading the Ratliff stories out of order, so there are some loose ends I've yet to see tied up. For example, I've been reading the story in which Chelsea Clinton comes to the 24th century, but I've not found out how she becomes married to Wesley Crusher.
Oh my gosh, did I just write that sentence? I need professional help.
As a public service (?), I point out there's a new Ratliff MiSTing as of this month. It's for "Winning Love by Daylight" at WS#9.
From what I've read so far, it's Steve-o's second attempt to make Marrissa seem less like a goddess and more like a real person.
The first attempt I read was "The Walls of Jellico," in which Jellico became the first person ever to resent Marrissa. Of course, Jellico was an amoral liar who sent people under his command to their deaths and tried to cover it up, so that made him a less-than-credible source.
This story, by contrast, features Marrissa having nightmares and pyschobabble that would make Troi proud. Oh, did I mention the out-of-the-blue anime crossover in which two Sailor Something-or-other characters start blasting away at a water monster in a diner?
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.
It's not new. I don't know why it's dated February 2001 - I've had this one on file since last June!
Shame though - I've been waiting for a new Ratliff MSTing for far too long, and I know that there are at least two of his that haven't appeared on WS#9 yet.
Arrggh!!! He’s rewriting “Enterprized”!!!!! I made the fatal mistake of going onto Ratliff’s website and he’s rewriting his first (and possibly worst) story!! Tragically, though not unexpectedly, there’s no improvement at all, and I look forward to the MSTies getting hold of it. Classic lines like:
Deep in the caves of Romulas, Ambassador Spock was showing the log to his wife, Starfleet’s Chief of Intelligence, Admiral Saavik. “Is that all, Spock?” she asked.
(As this story takes place during the time of the Enterprise-D, clearly TPTB forgot to mention this marriage during Unification!)
Quote from a Romulan: “Sub-commander, go jump in a lake,” Sardok replied.
Yar is rescued from the past: “So who’s Security Chief?” Tasha asked.
“Lieutenant Worf, is,” Data responded.
“I’m not familiar with the name,” Tasha replied. “Tell me about him.”
(Ummm, has Ratliff never seen the first season of TNG?!)
“Very good, Commander,” Spock commented. “They will think we blew up.”
“That’s what I’m hoping, Mark,” Riker ordered.
This had been the first time} (Riker) had to inform anyone about the death of their parents. He thought it had gone rather well.
All above quotes © Stephen Ratliff. For the full story (if you can stand it unMSTed!) click here
I recently finally got around to reading "Hail To The Queen", another of the stories set in the Ratliffverse and written by a Ratliff pasticher named Rob Tounts. This guy had Ratliff's style down perfectly, this story could have been written by the master himself; right down to the mind-numbingly inane battle scenes. Consider this segment:
"The Federation Fleet attacked, with the unfortunate effect of being set adrift by electromagnetic beams. Soon only the Enterprise was operable, but loosing (sic) shields. Marissa took a lucky guess and managed to destroy the cube formerly made out of warbirds, by breaching their warp core. This victory was ruined when they recalled the six other cubes had taken out the shields and were beaming aboard."
Of course, what is truly Ratliffian about this epic story is the plot. Jay finally seems to be about to get up the nerve to stand up to Marissa, only to have the Borg attack the Enterprise. Marrissa is captured and assimilated as the new Borg queen. Allowing her latent vindictively destructive impulses full reign, she embarks on a campaign of genocide so fervent that even the rest of the collective begin to wonder what's up with her. In the ensuing battle with the Enterprise, most of the kid's crew perishes or is assimilated, and it begins to look as if only a ridiculous plot contrivance worthy of old Setve-o himself can save the bacon. Tounts does not disappoint! Jay short-circuits Marissa by telling her he loves her, this simple sentiment naturally over-rides all the Borg collective control over her mind. Handily located in the Borg queen control room also happens to be a time portal (one wonders why the Borg didn't make use of this handy device instead of the more complicated procedures they used to travel through time in First Contact), which Jay takes Marissa back through to a time before any of this stuff ever happened! The story ends on a final note that will first cause you to drop your jaw and then agonizingly groan, and the author actually honest to god had the temerity to write "The End (or is it?)" after this conclusion.
On the plus side, the misting of this story is very witty and clever, with host segments that ring true to life.
Marissa took a lucky guess and managed to destroy the cube...by breaching their warp core.
"'Very good, Commander,' Spock said. 'They will think we blew up.'"
Here's a 'lucky guess' of my own:'Stephen Ratcliff' is really the pen name for a fairly clever kindergarten class whose teacher happens to be a Trekkie.
Otherwise...well, let's just file him under what 'Sports Illustrated' calls 'This Week's Sign That the Apocalypse is Upon Us.' 
Tricorder, as a public service you tell us of a new Ratliff story? Sort of like how the Inquisition was doing a good thing by torturing unbelievers? ;-)
Callie, in the NextGen ep Sarek Picard mentions that he first met Sarek at his son's wedding. While Spock is not specified, it is the most likely assumption.
Todd, thanks for spoiling it. I hadn't read that one yet. ;-)
I wonder if Ratliff is responsible for the bad translation of Zerowing that's being quoted over the web a lot lately?
"What happen?"
"Somebody set up us the bomb."
"All your base are belong to us."
I'm still here! I just don't post quite as often as I have in the past.
Haven't seen "Encounters" yet -- I should go check that out.
BTW, the group MSTing of "Winning Love et cetera et cetera" is hilarious. I look forward to the MSTing of the revised "Enterprized" -- hey, that rhymes, and there's something icky about that...
Lea, we're waiting for your DS9 Trekouplets!
Recently read "Winning Love By Daylight"
Re: The Sailor Moon scene - what the heck was that all about? Random-non-sequitor-crossover-character-insertion city. My theory is that the Heart of Gold was passing near the planet on improbability drive.
And of course there's more of Ratliff's penchant for, just when our guard is down, smacking us in the face with an icky pseudo-erotic image . . . read this story, especially the final reunion scene with Marissa and Jay, at the risk of your own psychosexual health.
I don't like the way Web Site Number 9 has rearranged the stories. They used to have the Ratliff stories in internal chronological order, but the last time I was there they changed to an alphabetical order.
Go to the Ratliff archive - they still have them in chronological order.
Thanks, Todd.
If I surf the web enough will I stumble across fanfic for the cartoon version of Fantastic Voyage
Well, I haven't actually found a site that has any, I did come across a board where a gal was talking about writing FV fanfic.
She even mentioned an idea for a crossover where the CMDF sends Voyager (the ship in the cartoon) to examine a strange ship that appeared in Earth orbit, the Enterprise (no bloody A, B, C, or D;-).
Okay, I'm scared now.
I think the first MiSTed fanfic I read was a Gen-13 piece. Which is amazing since I have no desire to read the actual comic. (And does anyone actually read Gen-13 or do they just look at the pictures?)
Lot of good comments, including
he painted pictures of her,
in the nude
he created sculptures of her,
in the nude
he wrote poems about her
in the nude
I just realized that the last bit is actually a pretty good description of Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy.
I've seen Land of the Giants fanfiction, so little surprises me anymore.
After recently reading a MiSTed Marrisa story, I happened to see the Brittney Spears video, "Ooops, I did it again."
Frightening.
I think she may be the living embodiment of Marrisa.
No!!! Do not mention her!!! NONONO!!! I can't take it!!! AAAAARGHH!
Runs around, screaming, throwing things and people, squishing things and people against the walls, dicing things and people with a big knife, knocking down the place
I have only myself to blame.
For what?
Maybe JD is responsible for Britney being a star?
(Actually, no one seemed to mind my using Britney as a villain in LICC. Maybe it's because I killed her? Or, more likely, no one read those posts.)
I thought that was where the name "Bryt'ni" came from. Also, we have a mention of Britnii in TKOS.
The person who does Ratliff MiSTings is obviously a fan of G&S, given the mention of a ship full of orphans being safe from the Pirates of Penzance. Rather appropriate given the scene in Disaster don't you think?
Well, I introduced you to Ratliff, Paddy. Or did I? Can't remember. Mental block is restricting any mention of Rat...what was I saying?
Maybe Ratliff is doing a prank... possibly even leading up to something. The Internet is full of hoaxes. Has anyone heard of the infamous Kaycee Nicole (Swenson)?
Blimey those battle scenes Ratliff writes had me on edge! "One minute the starship Whatever was there and then the romulans blew it up.". Really exciting stuff.
Ratliff has nothing on Daniel Hernandez when it comes to writing inane battle scenes. It is the greatest injustice in the world that "Slipping Into Death's Embrace" never won a Golden Hamdinger award. I've searched the web in vain for other works of Hernandez, I guess he's just one of those artists whose lot is to be limited to one masterpiece.
And that amazingly idiotic line in Premier Maquis:
"Secondly, as to obeying orders, you are to obey all the orders
>> of those ranked above or positioned above you.