There's a board like this in the Voyager sink, where everyone speculates as to what Voyager would be like if some of their favorite authors wrote for the show. It's lots of fun, so I thought the DS9 board could use one too! :-)

Some examples...

If Olaf Stapledon wrote DS9, the whole thing would be about Sisko's time in the wormhole. He'd get to see everything there is in the universe, and it would be really confusing.

If Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote DS9, Kira would have to wear a scarlet "A" for having an affair with a Vedek, but eventually everyone would learn to love her anyway. Bareil would be really torn up about the whole thing, but he'd keep his mouth shut so as not to risk his chances of becoming Kai.

If Edgar Allan Poe wrote DS9, Dukat would avenge Ziyal by promising Damar that he'd give him a drink from his best vintage kanar, which is in a cask deep within the bowels of the station. They'd go through a long, elaborate, creepy labyrinth, and then Dukat would seal Damar inside the wall. (Damar: "For the love of God, Elmo!")

If H.G. Wells wrote DS9, the Dominion would lay waste to much of the Alpha Quadrant, and then they'd be felled by the common cold.

If Lewis Carroll wrote DS9, Ezri would come to the station by falling down a rabbit hole. Rom would run around moaning that he's late, Sisko would sit on a mushroom blowing smoke rings, Bashir, O'Brien, and Worf would sing about "Beautiful sooooouuuuup," Ezri would attend a very strange tea party with Dukat, Weyoun, and Damar (who can't stay awake), Garak would sit in a tree appearing and disappearing (grinning the whole time, natch), Kira and Jadzia would be oversized chess pieces who talk in riddles, and the Female Changeling would go around yelling "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"

If Homer wrote DS9, Sisko would come out of the wormhole after ten years, and spend the next ten years having outlandish adventures. When he returns to DS9, he finds that Kasidy is being plagued by a band of obnoxious suitors, who've been waiting around the whole time. He then proceeds to kill them with the help of Jake and Joseph.

If Edith Wharton wrote DS9, Keiko would notice that Kira and Miles had a thing for each other, and threaten to get Kira transferred. Miles and Kira decide to commit suicide by crashing their shuttlecraft, but it doesn't work. All three live miserably ever after.

If Isaac Asimov wrote DS9, a group of super-geniuses would predict the imminent fall of the Federation, and... oh, wait. That actually happened.

If William Shakespeare wrote DS9, Dukat would conspire with Weyoun to give Kira a love potion to make her fall in love with something nasty, because she won't hand Ziyal over to his custody. Meanwhile, O'Brien, Garak, Quark, Rom, and Morn are rehearsing a play in honor the wedding of Sisko and Kasidy, and Kira ends up falling in love with Quark thanks to the love potion. Worf, Jadzia, Bashir, and Ezri would have a magical night of girlfriend-swapping and catfighting thanks to the interference of Weyoun and Dukat. Sisko, Kasidy, Worf, Jadzia, Bashir, and Ezri all pair off properly, and everything turns out all right in the end, even though O'Brien and Co. put on a hilariously bad play.

If Orson Scott Card wrote DS9, Jake Sisko, with help from Nog and Molly would win the Dominion War by detroying the Dominion Homeworld and killing off all but the female founder.

Somehow Jake, Molly and the female founder would survive 1,000 years, along with a holographic projection of young Molly, except that she would have the mind of the DS9 computer grid.

Then Jake would accidently create clones of himself and Molly, and his soul and the "holo-Molly's" "Soul" would move into them. Meantime, Kai Winn and the Borg will raise separate threats, until Jake, the two Mollys and the female Founder turn them against each other and assimmilate the Federations communication matrix.

If JRR TOLKIEN wrote for DS9- Sisko would have the Forbidden text of the Kostor Amojan in his hands. Sisko and Jake would go to the Fire caves to destroy the book and Dukat would bite his finger with the book. Worf and Dax would go to Qo'nos with Martok, where Gowron commits suicide, Martok reveals he's the Heir of Kahless. Kira and Quark (Shortest crew members) join the Federation and Kilgon Armies. The Dominion is defeated when Odo throws the cure into Mount Changeling. Sisko goes to the Wormhole, the rest of the characters return to the Station where Weyoun has taken over and is killed by the Falot Kor.

If C.S. LEWIS wrote DS9- Kira, Bashir, Dax and O'Brian enter a holosuite. after talking with Garek, Quark , Morn and a couple other Weird people. The Female Changling would her hold on the Delta quadrent broke by the return of Sisko from the Wormhole.

Two Pah-Wraiths send letters to one another, about the war with the prophets.

If Homer SIMPSON wrote DS9... Sisko would spend endless episodes at Moe's... I mean Quark's.

Homer J. Sisko: Mmmmmm... Baseballs!

Lea: Why restrict this to favorite authors? It's more fun to pick on the bad authors.

If Harlan Ellison (City On The Edge Of Forever) wrote an episode of DS9
For years to come he would complain about how how they ruined his script and turned it into garbage.

If Paul Levitz (Legion of Super-Heroes) wrote DS9
Young fans would swear that his version is superior to all previous versions. (Hmmmm, that sounds familiar. ;-)
Long established personality traits would be rewritten.
Kira and Dax will be strongly indicated to be a lesbian couple.
Bashir will fall in love with a woman, who later turns out to be a man using the transporter to alter his sex. Bashir will stay with him despite this revelation.
Sisko will use an Orb to view several different futures of DS9, then vanish without a trace.

If Keith Giffen, Tom & Mary Beirbaum (Legion of Super-Heroes, Lobo) wrote DS9
The visuals would look awful and you would have trouble telling which character is which.
There would be a 5-year gap, where events are hinted at, occasionally contradictorally.
The characters would suddenly be a bloodthirsty lot and charging off on a war against the Borg.
The Dominion will have a very strong voice in Federation matters and insist that several Jem'Hadar, Vortas & Cardassians accompany our heroes.
Worf would become psycho and be spun off into his own series where he drinks a lot, beats people up for no good reason, is hunted down by his many offspring and is granted immortality after beating up God.

If Vince Russo Wrote DS9:

Sisko Faction would fight Changleing faction. Worf would drink beer and give the Finger. It would all finish in a big pay per view where Worf and Jem' Hadar first would fight. Sisko, Bashir and Dukat would fight a changling, Jemhadar and Vorta. Bashir, would be taken out by a run in with the Real Bashir, Kira and Dax. Sisko would be doubled crossed by Dukat but they would still escape.

If Harry Turtledove wrote DS9:

The Federation government would oddly resemble that of the Byzantine Empire in some way. The story arc would take at least 4 to 8 episodes and cover the Federation-Dominion war, during which events would be told from the point of view of various characters in various situations on both sides. In the end, Sisko would win a duel with the female changeling during a dramatic showdown in the final battle, after which the Feds would barely defeat the Dominion. A new Dominion leader would arise who would declare both sides could live peacefully after all.

If Stephen King wrote for DS9, He would have the Voles on the station go on a bloody rampage killing everyone but Martok and Leeta who use a previously unknown alien mind control device to make the Voles act like Lemmings, and jump out the airlock!
If Tim Burton wrote for DS9....God only knows.

Yes, and it gives me the willies.

If Brannon Braga wrote for DS9, Sisko would be stuck in a time loop and repeat the last seven years of his life over and over again.

If Gervais de Bus wrote an episode of DS9...

Kira would be a 12th century French author (Gervais) narrating the episode. The Dominion would send in the Female Changeling (Fauvel) disguised as a horse to corrupt the Starfleet crewmembers (Monks and Nuns), making them blaspheme, disregard the Prime Directive and attempt to influence alien civilizations. These station crewmembers would then be executed on the orders of the Admirals Ross and Nechayev (The King of France) whilst Sisko (The Templar) looks on in horror and sings sad songs about it with Odo and Dax (Knights). Then, the Female Changeling would fall in love with Worf (Fortune) and try to seduce him, only to fail miserably despite singing a long and complex lai. Worf would offer her Quark (Vain-Glory) instead and there would be a huge feast on the station to celebrate their wedding. Having thus gained a foothold in the Alpha Quadrant, the Changeling would bring in the Vorta and the Jem'Hadar (Vices) to hold a tournament with the Bajorans (Virtues). The Bajorans would win through with their pure spirituality and banish the Dominion to wander unfriended and alone, savouring their bitter defeat until they perish. Then the Female Changeling and Quark would produce lots of little Quarks with the ability to shape-shift, and all would bathe in the Fountain of Youth and set off on a permanent existence of attempting to corrupt the Federation with latinum.
Kira would then loudly declare that she's had enough of telling the story and wants a drink, whereupon Morn, Quark and Rom (Boozy people) would lead the station crew in a raucous drinking song.

Tim Burton writing for DS9...there's an idea. :D A frightening one, but a not-too-bad one.

If Anne Rice wrote for DS9...well, I haven't gotten very far into my first book of hers yet. So I'll hold off.

If Harold Pinter wrote for DS9... let's just say each episode will be preceded by the now-familiar "This episode contains strong language" motif seen on many a TV show.

If I wrote an episode for DS9...both Dax & Kira would wear bikinis at least once per episode.
Then, one day, they accidently choose the same color and get into a catfight about choosing the same outfit. (like some women on Earth do if they go to a party and see a woman there who has the same outfit as they do.)

Handbags at dawn, people!

If Victor Hugo wrote an episode, Quark, from the isolation of his bar, would fall deeply in love with Kira. Sisko, who is in charge of Quark, and the religous emissary would fall in love with Kira too, but he would be confused with all these new emotions. Quark tried to carry off Kira, but Odo as the captain of the Guard saves her. Kira finds Odo charming and falls in love with him. Sisko, Jealous of Odo, stabs hims, but Odo survives but hides that fact from everybody and tries to put the whole matter behind him. Kira is on trial for the murder. Quark saves her from execution by carrying her into his bar and yelling, "Drinks are on Me!!!"

If Luigi Novi wrote DS9... every scene would have a title.

If ScottN wrote DS9... the characters would spend the episode plotting various ways to bash Bashir's head in.

If KAM & Lea Frost wrote DS9... tapioca everywhere.

If the writers of LICC wrote DS9... people would complain when the stories become too serious, then people would complain when there was too much humor & jokes.
Captain Sisko would become obsessed with Tacos.
Jadzia would wear even tighter outfits, when she wasn't wearing cheese or sunbathing, and would enter & exit by making dramatic flips. She would be replaced by a very quiet character who would disappear for long periods of time & no one would miss her.
Kira would be surrounded by herds of adoring fans.
Worf would fight using a cow catapult.
Armus from TNG's Skin Of Evil would show up, but everyone would ignore him.
The station would gain 2 more pylons & be called Deep Spider 9.

If the writers of The Knights Of Silvercliff wrote DS9... every alien & planet would be a music pun.

If the writers of Voyager wrote DS9... Rene would kill himself.

LOL, KAM!

Actually, If I wrote DS9, I'd write an episode where a Italian-American aspiring illustrator comes to the station, and gets a burst of inspiration after a weeks-long menage a troi with Kira and Ezri.

Hey, I can dream, can't I?

What was it the Prophets said? You are the Dreamer & the Dream.

Also if the writers of LICC wrote DS9... the Wormhole Aliens would be drunk most of the time.

If Lea Frost wrote DS9, General Martok would be obsessed with Tacos.

If Clive Barker wrote for DS9:

A quartet of blue demonic aliens (one of whom would have several short iron nails stuck into his head) would appear on the station whenever someone accessed an Orb, and go looking for Garak.

Whenever Sisko felt lonely on the station, all he would need to do is shout his son's name five times into a mirror - and old Jake would appear, his hand replaced by a hook. The same thing would happen to Worf if he was looking for his brother.

Someone saw Hellraiser last night.

They'd also be on the lookout for Dax, the main character of the third Hellraiser films. (Did the DS9 writers start at the Hellraiser movies when looking for all their actors?)

Peter.

If Dafydd ab Hugh wrote for DS9: Well, just read "Fallen Heroes". That guy is really fucked up. He usually screws up established characterization completely. I'm still not sure if he's a horrible author or a genius.

If god forbid, Steven Ratliff wrote an episode of DS9.

Marissa comes aboard DS9. Sisko is so impressed he gives her command of the entire station, she becomes a patronising and rather disturbing figure entering the gamma quadrent wiping out the dominion except for Weyoun where she,ll have a tough time retaining her virginity in his presence. she then goes on to defeat the borg who now address themselves as "We are the borg we were beaten by a bunch of kids". Then Marrissa returns home where she is given every compliment and flattery known to man by Picard whilst being crowned queen of the entire universe"

Be warned folks this COULD happen in fanfic land. You have been warned.

If Raymond Chandler wrote a DS9 episode:

Sisko and Odo would be missing because they were Bashir killed them to end their blackmail. Kira would figure it out and try to bump off Quark. Jadzia (or Ezri) would get Miles to slowly (very slowly) figure it out while Bashir drugs him. After Miles gets disgusted with everything he crawls into a bottle at Quark's. Then Worf would kill everyone except Garak. (I just wanted to add that last line myself.)

If Terry Pratchett wrote DS9:

Quark: Come get your sausages! Inna bun!

If Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant wrote DS9:

The show would be set in a Slough space station which had recently been accepting staff from their rival branch in Swindon... I mean Bajor!
O'Brien would, every week, try to remind his co-workers that, despite his rank as Chief Operations Officer, he is in fact "team leader" and had, in the past, spent a period in the battlefield.
O'Brien and Bashir would be at odds with each other over who stole the stapler.
Bashir would also try to chat up Dax, who in this version is a short blonde receptionist.
And the station's commander would be an incompetent twit who tries to evade disciplinary action from his superiors, thinks he's the funniest person on the station (his heroes are Milligan, Cleese, Everett), the best dancer (clearly a lie), and a philosopher to rival Descartes. He also wears a goatee beard. Oh, hang on...

... Sessions!

If Edward Everett Hale (The Man Without A Country) wrote an episode of DS9.

At his trial for being part of the Maquis, Eddington would state that he wished he would never hear the name United Federation Of Planets again. The judge grants his wish, sentencing him to be shuttled from ship to ship and the crews would be forbidden to speak of the UFP or home while he was on board and any information related to the UFP would be removed from any padds he gets. He would spend 56 years regretting his rash decision.