Is this the place for religious humor? I got this e-mailed to me and i think it is hilarious:

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do

These were taken from The Onion horoscopes.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You always knew you'd go to hell in the end, but no one mentioned you'd have to sit next to the proud inventor of Post-It Notes.

Drinking, drugs, and casual sex? Yes! It looks like being an Aquarius is finally gonna pay off!

Jesus, Moses, and an old guy are playing golf. The hole is a par three with lots of water hazards.

Moses tees off first and hits a long drive right into a water hazard. He walks up to it, holds his club over his head and the waters part. Among all the golf balls he finds the ball he was playing and chips onto the green where it bounces three, yea, three times and goes in the hole for a birdie.

Next Jesus tees off. The ball takes the same path as Moses’ but instead of sinking it floats on the water. Jesus walks on the water out to it and chips it onto the green where it bounces three times, yea verily, three times and goes in the hole for a birdie.

Next the old guy tees off. The ball takes the same path hit the water and sinks. Suddenly a fish with the ball in its mouth goes to the surface. Then an eagle swoops down and starts to fly off with the fish. Then a single cloud suddenly appears out of nowhere and a single lightening bolt strikes the eagle. The eagle drops the fish and the fish drops the ball. The ball falls on the green and bounces once, twice, and yea verily, three times before going in the cup for a hole in one.

Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot, Dad."

VERY OLD JOKES:

Where is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
When God gave Moses two tablets.

What time of day was Adam created?
Just a little before Eve.

What was Adam's first words to Eve that can be spelled both backwards and forwards?
Madam, I'm Adam.

To which Eve replied, "Eve".

The Abortion board is disappearing or my computer is messing up.

How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends. Although they do not personally believe the light bulb needs to be changed, they feel that each person in a dark room must make that decision him or herself.

How many pro=lifers does it take to change a nightclub?

None. The LORD our GOD says the bulb does not need to be changed and that is good enough for them and you too.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.

However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Some priests and nuns are playing softball. One partiulcar priest goes out on three strikes. "Ah, God! I missed them!" yells the priest.
"Father," said the nun pitcher, "... do not use the Lord's name in vain!"
In the sixth inning, the same priest goes out on three swings again. "Ah, God! I missed them!"
The nun points at the priest, "Father, if you use the Lord's name in vain one more time, you will be struck dead by lightning."
In the eighth inning, the priest goes down again on three swings. "Ah, God! I missed them!" he screams.
Clouds move in and the sky darkens. Striking from the sky is a bolt of lightning. However, the lightning strikes the nun. A deep voice then resounds from the heavens, "Oh, God, I missed him."

This might get deleted, but I'll give it a shot.
What does the Catholic Church and J.C. Penney's have in common? They both have little boys' pants, half-off.

SainSteven,

It is nice to see Michael Jakson jokes being reworked instead of dying (as in bleached skin) out.

You want a deleted joke? A Priest, a Mullah, Jimmy Swaggart, and a Rabbi...

taken from the Onion:

Atheist Swayed By Claymation Story Of Christ
GRAND ISLAND, NE—Atheist Marcia Prewitt was converted to a life of devotion to the Lord following Sunday's viewing of the claymation movie The Miracle Maker. "I'd heard a lot of preaching and teaching about Christ throughout my life," Prewitt said, "but it took a clay-animated, Ralph Fiennes-voiced portrayal of Jesus to make me realize just how good and how wonderful He really is. I just wish everyone with confusion and strife in their heart could discover the healing truths of this cartoon."

A Priest and a Rabbi are each driving in separate cars and then meet in a horrible car accident. Both cars are totaled but both men come through without a scratch.

"It's miracle," says the Rabbi.

"Yes," agrees the Priest, "it must be the will of the Lord."

"Perhaps he meant us to meet," says the Rabbi.

"Yes," says the Priest, "so we can see He loves us both and we should forget our differences and rejoice in the love of the One true GOD!"

Then the Rabbi remembers, "I had a bottle of Manichevitz in the trunk."

They open the Rabbis trunk and the bottle is unharmed.

"It a miracle it survived," the Rabbi says.

"Yes," says the Priest. "The good Lord obviously means for us to celebrate our good fortune." He opens it and drinks. He then hands the bottle to the Rabbi. The Rabbi puts the cap back on.

"Aren't you going to drink?" asks the Priest.

"I'll wait until after the police arrive," says the Rabbi.

http://www.inflatablechurch.com/

And it even has an organ you can pump up in public.

(There. I said it. So sue me.)

A variation of my favourite religious joke:

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi to represent them in the debate. The Rabbi, however, could not speak Latin, and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.


On the day of the great debate, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

Finally the Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."


Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"Finally I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"


Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around the Rabbi, asking what happened."Well," said the Rabbi, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours!'

"Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews... we stay right here!'"

"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, I took out mine."

This was supposedly true, but could be an urban myth.

A trainee priest had to give a sermon at an unfamiliar church. As he stood in the pulpit, he was very nervous, and, as you do, wanted something for his hands to do. His fingers found a loose bolt to play with.

The sermon went very well, and the congregation seemed enthralled by the priest's performance.

Afterwards, the verger commended the priest, and said that he had done very well, considering how nervous he had been.

"How did you know I was nervous?" asked the priest.
"Simple," replied the verger, "the crucifix on the front of the pulpit was spinning round like a propeller!"

copied from "The Onion"

Christ Returns For Some Of His Old Things
JERUSALEM—After being away for nearly two millennia, Jesus Christ triumphantly returned Monday to pick up some of His old belongings. "I realize this isn't exactly how the world's Christians were imagining it, but I left a really comfortable pair of sandals in Galilee, and I wanted them back," said Christ, who died for our sins. "Also, I'm pretty sure I lent [Apostle] Simon Peter my best goblet at the Last Supper." This marks Christ's first return since 76 A.D., when he thought he'd forgotten to turn off his coffee pot.

God decide Jesus should get a job. He told Jesus there was a job on Earth for $45,000 a year and one on Venus for $30,000 a year.

Jesus thought about it and decided to take the job on Venus.

God was surprised, "My son", He sayeth, "Doest thou not know that the Earth job pays $15,000 more?"

Jesus said, "Don't go getting your self in a whirlwind, Pops. Last time I was on Earth I was hammered by tacks." (For English as a second language people "tacks"/"tax" pun.)

A Rabbi sees a U.F.O....an alien comes out & says, "I'm a TRID! And I want you to kick me!"

The Rabbi shrugs his shoulders and kicks the alien who then starts laughing hysterically.

The Rabbi then says,"Hey, that looks like fun. Somebody kick me!'

The alien replies, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for TRIDS!"

Two men at a bar look out a window & see a Buddist Monk enter a house of prostitution.

One man says, "It's so sad seeing a man so devoted to his religion fall like that."

Minutes later, A Rabbi enters the house of prostitution.

One man says again, "It's so sad seeing a man so devoted to his religion fall like that."

Finally, a Catholic Priest enters the house of prostitution.

The other man says, "One of the nuns must be ill."

http://www.no-god.com/game/wrath.swf

Heh-heh.

The Brick Testament. Pay attention to the rating scheme.

LOL!

Cut from the horoscopes in the Onion.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Jesus will finally speak to you this week, but His message of love will contain such filthy language that your faith will be shaken forever.

And, of course, a non joke joke, in which only the first line needs to be said, since it implies that the rest of the joke is funny or strange... for example:

So Michael Jackson decides to enter the priesthood...

I have my "My Yahoo!" page set to show me headlines from certain news sources and on certain topics that I like to follow.

One of the sources I have it track is the parody newspaper The Onion. One of the headlines this week is "Vatican Tightens Nocturnal Emissions Standards"

I have not read the story. There is almost no way it can be as good as the headline.

A lot of the times The Onion doesn't even have a real story to follow up a headline. They just let the headline stand as the gag on its own.

And a lot of the times when they do have a story it's just overkill, driving the joke made by the headline into the ground.

Oh wow. The current "issue" mentions a Taco Bell in "Millcreek Mall" that's not that good. Could this be the Mill Creek Mall (two words) in Secaucus, NJ, near where I live? (If the accompanying photo were accruate, then it couldn't be.) I actually think that's a pretty darn good Taco Bell, since they always put lots of cheese in their Gordita Crunches.

Ship of fools is voting to find the 10 funniest religious jokes. (Because the Brit. govt. wants to pass a law that limits offensive remarks about religion, meaning they could no longer make fun of their own religion.

While you're there, check out the columns, or the gift shop, or the fruitcake links...

All very funny, informative, and some maybe even thought-provoking.

Just read this in my email, and wanted to share:

. Different Heaven

A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."

He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path that went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.

The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"

St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."

"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"

Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."

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Copyright 2005 - Ampere Media LLC, All Rights reserve

(Though i think that last sentence was a mis-type and should read: "God doesn't like being told what She thinks.")

With a thumbs-up + a hug to MachikoJenkins, our resident pagan here as far as I remember

this is a funny link about how to become (and be) an Atheist.

That is funny and somewhat true on the arguments page.

Not sure if this belongs here or on the "Sex and Religion" board.

Found in the cygwin Fortune file:

---

Quote:

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."

---

Priest: Why was your baby crying so loud in church?

Mother: He was teething.

Priest: I see. But, why was your husband crying?

Mother: He was tithing.

What do you get when you cross LDS and LSD?

A high priest.

So I was in San Diego this weekend, and we were at a stoplight behind a plumber's van.

It said "Serving San Diego and Jesus Christ".

Now I know who Jesus calls when his toilet backs up!

Was the company called Golgotha Plumbing, or something?

(Fans of Dogma will get that reference.)

MODERATOR'S NOTE: I moved this post from the Atheism board because it is not really about atheism, but is rather a humorous look at religions, and religious people (especially extremists and hypocrites) from a Rationalist perspective.

Atheists Shame.

I really enjoyed the clip. I only moved it because I thought it fit better here.