Well, I didn't create this board, but I'll chip in here. Someone very, very close in to me in my family died a while back, and it shook my faith to the point of almost not believing there's a God. The death seemed so pointless (it was natural causes), and hurt me and everyone in my family intensly.
It's left me with the opinion that while there is a God, he doesn't care for us as much as I thought.
Comments?

Alex D.,

You may welcome comments, but on a board titled "Grief" I know I would post the wrong thing. ("Your mother wears army boots," "My mother died after valiantly fighting cancer you heartless so and so.")

I can't speak for anyone else, but I assume you will be deafened by the silence.

Only when a person can get past the initial intense grief, can a person say anything that the mourner will really listen to in the first place.

Perhaps, but there has to be tact as well, because some people mourn for longer periods than others, so that should be taken into consideration. And of course it helps to know the person quite well, too, to know just how tactful one can be.

That is also why it is wise not to say anything at all until they appear to be feeling better or start talking on their own to you.

Wrong. Having recently been through this myself, simply an expression of "Hey, I'm thinking about you" during a tough time can mean a lot. You don't need it as much when you're "feeling better".

Um...he's talking about the 'God doesn't care' comment.

http://www.biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Revelations+21%3A1-4&NIV_version=yes&language=english

Revelation 21


The New Jerusalem

1Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Grief is a reaction, not a ritual. If you feel it, you feel it. If you don't, you don't.

Grieving itself is a process.

I think technically, Matt's right, but I can also see what Jwb and some others are getting at, so I'll clarify this a bit.

I think -- by definition -- grief is just the emotional state you're in after something traumatic happens (in this case, the death of a loved one). The healing process that you're speaking of is what constitutes mourning.

(however, I could very well be wrong about this -- I'm sure I've heard of grieving and mourning as two seperate terms, but I may have the definitions wrong [I don't have a dictionary handy right now]. If someone can correct this with reasonably strong proof, I welcome them to do so)

Steve, whenever you're online you won't need a dictionary if you go to Merriam-Webster's site. And if you misspell a word it'll give you several choices to choose from, from the actual spelling to other similar words it assumes you may have otherwise meant. There are other dictionary sites, of course, but this is the only one I use.

Thanks for that tip, Mark. I'll keep that in mind.

I had a revelation about a month ago. Thanks to some much needed guidance by a very good friend. Three very close family memebers passed away within a six month time span nearly four years ago. My beloved aunt, my father and my grandmother. I was numb from my aunt's death when my father passed away. I didn't really grieve for him because my mother needed me. So I couldn't grieve. I just pushed my feelings away down deep and in the back of my mind.

My friend sat me down and made me talk about my father and circumstances surrounding his death. This was the first person in many years who had the courage to talk to me about father to me. Most people I know just tap dance around the subject because they know it is hard for me to talk about him. After we got done. I was raw with grief and crying because talking about him forced me to admit to myself that I hadn't healed. The next day I went out to the cementary and stood there and talked to my father for nearly two hours. It helped a great deal.

I also lost most of my faith and my friend has also helped me start to reconnect with God. I pray everyday now even if it is only five minutes in the morning while getting ready for work. My advice to anyone if you know somebody who lost someone TALK TO THEM about that person because sometimes you have to force the subject. Otherwise that person may not be able to move on because they feel stuck in those memories. Afraid of forgetting that person and what they meant to them.

I didn't really grieve for him because my mother needed me. So I couldn't grieve. I just pushed my feelings away down deep and in the back of my mind.

That happened to me several times. Once when my younger daughter was born... She had to stay in NICU for three weeks (she was preemie, she's 13 and fine now). Going home without your newborn is among the hardest things. I couldn't (or wouldn't let myself) cry over it, so that I could be there for Mrs. ScottN.

Happened again about 10 years ago when my stepfather-in-law died. Couldn't grieve 'cause I needed to support Mrs. ScottN and TrekGrrl.

I told myself, "I'll let it out later, when there's time". The problem is that when "later" comes around, it's too late. You've got it bottled up without any way to let it go.

I guess my point is, don't be "there" for people if you need to grieve too. You won't be able to do so later.

You're right ScottN. When it came out to wasn't pretty. Fortunately I have a couple of great friends who were there to catch me when I did let go. Trust me is wasn't an easy process but I needed to do it because I felt like I was reliving it over and over again. What made it so much harder with Dad was he had the heart attack the day before my 24th birthday and then he died on my parent wedding anniversary 4 days later.

Afterwards I never really celebrated my birthday and Mom gets depressed every year around that time. This year my friends got together and made me celebrate it and it was wonderfull. They suprised me gifts and insisted on taking me out for lunch. By doing that made me realize that I need to get on with my life and to quit living in the past. It was hard because I still miss my Dad because he and I were a lot closer than my Mom and I ever have been.

Since I let myself grieve I remember more of the good times and not so much the bad. I needed to let him go. Part of this process was allowing myself to believe in God again. To realize there was a reason my Dad died. It was his time to go home and I will see him again.

Life isn't easy and obstacles are always in your path. But God created us not to always have an easy life but a fullfilling one. That's my motto to find my place in this world where I belong. Who knows I still could become famous.