Hello, I am Andy Lerch. These are my cinematic awards for this year. Some may ridicule me for my choices, but I stand alone as a beacon in the heart of civilization. Challenge me if you dare.

BEST PICTURE: I have chosen J.R.R. Tolkien's delightful film adaptation, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. I thought that Viggo Mortensen was dashing and daring and just plain cool. This was a much better film than anything that Breckin Meyer has produced.

BEST ACTOR: Colin Farrell, despite being Irish, unattractive, and alcoholic, can contribute a good performance. I thought in Phone Booth that he was whimsically entertaining. He made me laugh and cry and feel entertained.

BEST ACTRESS: Uma Thurman has a really dumb name. I think it's short for something. In Kill Bill, despite not killing Bill, she did a fine performance. I was enthralled by her passion and energy. When I see the whole film, maybe I will like it better.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Orlando Bloom has really white skin. He could be an Aryan. I'm not saying he's a Nazi or anything, but the man can act. He was very fine as the elf person in Lord of the Rings and as the English person in Pirates of the Caribbean.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Laura Linney is a very good actress. In The Life of David Gale, she did a good performance as David Gale's lady friend. By friend, I do not mean that in the Biblical sense. This film was a stirring expose of the death penalty, and while even though I think that every prisoner convicted for murder should fry, I found the film entertaining anyway.

BEST SCORE: I think that a good score is one that you sing while in the shower. Because music isn't music unless you're naked. By that standard, I give it to Lord of the Rings.

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: I'm told that orcs do not really exist, so Lord of the Rings' stirring creation of these disgusting creatures ensures that they win this award. Unless they find a real orc. That is a joke.

BEST FUNNY MOVIE: I was a member of a fraternity back in the day, so I found Old School delightfully hilarious, bringing back memories that should not see the light of day.

BEST ACTION MOVIE: Some have called Matrix Revolutions ••••. I found it to be not ••••. Matrix Revolutions, like every third film in a trilogy, is awesome. Think Return of the Jedi meets Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Those are undeniably awesome films.

BEST SCI-FI/FANTASY: Lord of the Rings wins this award in a heartbeat. I thought that Peter Jackson was just superb in making this trilogy. I though it could never be done accurately. And it wasn't. But it was still good.

BEST DRAMA/SUSPENSE: Identity is a film in which John Cusack is brutally killed. It's got to be good. If only it had Breckin Meyer.

STUPIDEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Johnny English, you stand alone. And that's odd because Rowan Atkinson is usually hilarious. I wanted more ••••• humor in this film. There wasn't enough ••••• or Abba music.

WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Is there a more repulsive actor than Tommy Lee Jones? There perhaps could be (like Breckin Meyer), but Mr. Jones' annoying personality has inefected many a film. Mr. Jones ruined the classic Batman Forever with a ham-fisted portrayal of Harvey Dent, a.k.a. "Two-Face," and then proceeded to make the thrilling U.S. Marshals unwatchable. Here, by playing the role of goofy Indian wannabe, he makes The Missing into a not-so-good film. I don't recommend this to anyone.

MOST DISAPPOINTING: I think that Daredevil is a good comic because it shows that blind people are people. I used to think that blind people were retards. Now, I know better. Now, whenever I see a blind person, I hit them in the head with a stick because I know they know kung fu. The film was disappointing, though because Ben Affleck is not really blind. He was faking it. This is a travesty. Ben Affleck should have been willing to go the extra mile and douse himself with radioactive acid.

BEST KIDS MOVIE: Finding Nemo is a good film for kids even though it promotes single parent families. Disney has become very liberal. At least this film does not have narcotic usage by apes. I heartily recommmend capalert.com.

It's amazing. Even though I agree with some of your opinions, like Finding Nemo being good and Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, you STILL manage to come off like a complete jerk. Honestly, some of the things you said were very rude and not in the least in the spirit of the Secondary Directive of the Guild. That whole "in good cheer" thing, remember?

I think it's a joke, Brian.

I hope so Mike, but with some of the people I've met on-line these past few years, you just can never tell.

I, Andy Lerch, would like to say that Mike Cheyne posted this as me...

All those picks are mine, but the motivations/comments are not.

Sorry, Andy (you can delete this thread if you like, it's sort of an inside joke).